Thursday, April 17, 2014
the war within
In the past ten years there have been times where I have been in conversations or in groups with members of the opposite sex, and I have always felt uncomfortable. In fact I've even gone as far to say to my husband that they are creeping me out. The other night D reminded me of that during a conversation we were having, and I found myself completely floored by what he said to me. D said, "In this life there are going to be other men who are attracted to you, because you are a beautiful woman." He then went on to say, "you know I married up right?"
HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that until I am able to find peace within, the war within will continue to wage in me. In other words, until I learn to like, accept, and even *gasp* love myself, the war within will carry on, it will continue. More than ever I am hearing HIM loud and clear that HE wants me to be a peace with myself.
In my humanness however, I don't know how. I've tried, many times to be accepting of WHO I am because of WHOSE I am. Yet, even after being successful for a period of time, I find myself falling into old habits, and before I know it the war within has once again completely taken over my life.
This morning I knew that what has been happening to me when I read "Look Great, Feel Great" by JOYCE MEYER. She writes, "When the only physical experiences you have are of pain and discomfort, you learn to hate your body as the source of those feelings. You wish you didn't exist."
How comforting those words were to me this morning in helping HIM shine HIS light on why I feel the way I do about myself. This morning HE is telling me that the reason I have gained so much weight is so that other men won't find me attractive, and I won't be hurt by another man ever again in my life.
Though I haven't cried about the abuse in my past for so long, this really hit me hard this morning when the realization of HIS truth was revealed through JOYCE's words. "Even when you grow up and the abuse stops, your disrespect and disgust for your body remains." As the tears fall this morning, I know that HE is with me, and this is HIS loving way of showing me how Satan has kept me in my own prison without a key about myself, by keeping me locked up with insecurities, doubts, and loathing hate for myself.
It never occurred to me that the mere fact that I was astonished at what D said to me was NOT from GOD. In fact, I thought it was me being humble, and letting go of my pride. However, through HIS teachings today I am learning that all I was doing was holding onto my pride in thinking that if I ignore myself enough, eventually through all the quick fixes of making myself feel good would eventually dull and numb the pain that I have been living with for my entire life.
Whenever I look back at my childhood pictures, I see a ugly duckling. I had very short hair, awful glasses, boys clothes, and hearing aids. I wore a lot of my brother's hand-me-downs. When I think of junior high it makes me cringe, as I was so out of place. I didn't fit in at all. By the time I reached high school it was large enough that I sort of just blended in with all the jocks, preps, gang bangers, nerds, band geeks, and then the nothings like me. Nothing is exactly how I would describe myself to someone, nothing special, nothing important, nothing unique, just plain old nothing.
Today HE is wanting me to know that I am so much more than just a nothing. HE is wanting me to know that in HIS eyes I am beautiful, as HE is the ONE WHO created me. HE is wanting me to know that today I am to let HIM heal the wounds and scars of the deep rooted pain that I have lived with on a daily basis for most of my life. Today HE is telling me that it's time I come out of hiding, and let HIM build the love for myself, by letting HIM love me unconditionally. HE is telling me that it's time that I ditch the mere thought that I am worthless, to knowing and BELIEVING HIM when HE tells me that I am worthy.
A few weeks ago, I tried three times to write a blog about living a worthy life, and each time I felt a HUGE road block, and try as I might I couldn't get passed it. Little did I know HE was preparing me for something big. This morning that something was revealed to me that I couldn't write a blog about living a worthy life, because I didn't believe that I was worthy.
Through HIS Daily Teachings today I am able to confront myself, and all the demons that I have kept locked up in my own prison without a key. Today however, HE is my key, my key to HIS true freedom. Today HIS truth is being revealed to me that I am beautiful! I am worthy! I am cherished! I am chosen! I am wanted! I am enough! I am magnificent, and even as I read in a book, I am captivating!
This morning HE has captured my heart in showing me WHO I really am, by helping me see what has really been going on inside of me for all of these years. "Until you confront your feelings and find peace, you will be in a state of warfare with yourself, and experience the stress, trauma, and exhaustion that war always causes." JOYCE MEYER "Look Great, Feel Great"
HIS message to me today is being heard LOUD and CLEAR by me. What I am hearing is HE is wanting me to be at complete peace with myself. HE wants me to come out of hiding. HE wants me to be truly living, living my life as HE intended. HE is wanting me to rebuke those loathing feelings I have about myself, and start living with HIS true confidence of WHO I am, because HE has been teaching me for the past year of WHOSE I am. I so thankful that HE captured my heart almost a year ago, and began teaching me that I don't have to remain locked up in my own prison without a key anymore. I can live in peace with myself.
Knowing this is good, however putting it into practice for myself is overwhelming. Knowing how much I would struggle with trying to find peace within myself, HE is showing me ways to achieve that. Through JOYCE's words this morning HE spoke volumes to me: "Anyone who has a root of shame about who they are in their life will be poisoned from the inside out."
HE is wanting me to know today that HE is ready for me to replace that evil root in my life with HIS unconditional love and acceptance. HE is telling me that until I learn to really love and accept myself, the war within will continue to wage. HE is wanting me to know that though my flesh is weak, meaning I struggle making good decisions, HIS HOLY SPIRIT is strong. HE is wanting me to know that in choosing to follow and live out HIS truth for my life I will overcome! I must choose to say NO to myself, and say YES to HIM, so that I will then be able to truly live at peace with myself. I am learning that when I do, the war within will END!
HE is wanting me to remember that my body is the living temple for HIS HOLY SPIRIT. Therefore, I must choose to love and care for my body. HE is wanting me to know that when I love and care for my body, it is then that my hands will be HIS hands I must take care of my body so that my hands will be able to do whatever HE calls me to do. This means that my feet need to be HIS feet, so that I will be able to go where HE calls me to go. Lastly, my mouth (which is a HUGE struggle for me) must be HIS mouth! I must choose to speak HIS words, HIS truth, so that I will be able to live with HIS true freedom.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12:1
"Don't spend your life competing with an illusion" JOYCE MEYER
" But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29
"Don't live in the agony of unrealistic expectations." JOYCE MEYER
HE is wanting me to know that I was created in HIS image, therefore, I am exactly the way HE intended for me to be. I am learning that this means I must be willing to care for and be pleased with what I have been given, and do the best I can with what I have.
HE is telling me that what the world discards, HE cherishes. HE is wanting me to know that even though I was once discarded by the world, HE thinks the world of me. HE is wanting me to know that I'm NOT just another woman. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by HIM!
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14
Today I am so thankful that HIS truth has been revealed to me about how worthless I have felt. I am thankful that HE loves me enough to never let me stay in that mindset, and is moving me onto the life that HE has always planned for me to live. I am thankful that gone are the chains that once kept me in bondage with Satan's lies. Today I am choosing to live with HIS true confidence, and because of that I am living in HIS true freedom to be the Woman WHO HE created and continues to teach, lead, and guide me to be on my journey with HIM towards wholeness.
This weeks bible verse holds so much life, love, and meaning for me: "Taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who takes refuge in HIM." Psalm 34:8
Friends, I pray today that if you don't love yourself, that you will turn to the ONE WHO does love you. I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to reveal to you that you are worthy, and that you are loved. I pray today that you too will be able to END the war within when you seek HIM, and HE unlocks your own prison without a key. I pray today that you will seek HIM, as HE is the key for you to live with HIS true freedom.
Many blessing and prayers for each and everyone of you,