saved by grace

I remember when I was ten years old living out in the middle of nowhere with my grandparents..... thinking about that time I often cry, just because I mourn what I never had. I remember riding my bike as my only form of escape from the living nightmare that was my life.  For hours I would ride the quarter of a mile I was permitted to ride.  During those rides, I would dream.... dream of a life without sadness or pain.  Dream of a life with people who loved me, who didn't hurt me...... the summer I turned eleven it was all I could dream of was a time where someone would figure it all out and come and rescue me.........

Sadly that would NOT be the case, and I would endure another four years of hellacious torture at the hands of my step-grandfather.  If you were to ask me if anything happened to me ten years ago, I would have denied it, however since it is coming up on the tenth year that I am now celebrating with HIM, as it was when I was 26 that I would be saved by grace.

I had absolutely no intention of writing the blog this morning.  Though I have been awake since 3 am, and it's just now 6 am.  However, as I am learning with every other aspect of my life, its not my plans HE's interested in.  Unsure of what HE was wanting me to write about, I played mindless games on facebook, turned off the worship music I was listening to, and started listening to the songs that I played over and over as young girl, all of which I coveted in wanting so desperately to be my reality.  

It wasn't until a half hour ago, that a song by Whitney Houston came on that HE really spoke to my heart.  Sitting in the quiet of my office, wanting, longing, to desperately be taken out of this pain that I am in learning to walk again, as I am being forced to live without my precious little boy.  I can tell you most mornings where I am struggling with that concept, the last thing on my mind is writing anything.  However, this morning was different.  As the song began to play, it took me back to my summer of being eleven.... riding my bike, and swinging on the tire swing in the back yard...... knowing..... I was being watched........ knowing what would be waiting for me when my time of respite was over.

"Everybody searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to, I never found anyone to fulfill my needs.  A lonely place to be, so I learned to depend on me....."  Greatest Love of All, by Whitney Houston

Though I couldn't really sing I remember belting that song out.  I remember the more I sang, the more the lies of the enemy spilled like venom from their lips, poisoning my mind a little more with each word that they spoke.  They being my grandparents, and particularly the most evil man I have ever known.  A man who himself was tortured soul.  A man that in being saved by grace I was able to forgive him.  A man of whom when I learned of his horrific death, I mourned....... 

This morning as I let the lyrics sink deep into my heart, I asked HIM, "why, how LORD, how could I have possibly mourned him?  I know I forgave him, but I did that for YOU LORD.  If it were up to me, I would have spit on his grave, and shouted obscenities at him..... why LORD, why did I shed tears for him?"  The more I thought about it, the more I asked the hard questions, of how and why was I able to forgive the seemingly unforgivable of so many offenses against me........... HIS answer met me right where I was, and spoke deep within my heart of questions, and overwhelming desire to be made clean and pure heart.

"I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow.  If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believed.  And no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity.  Because the Greatest LOVE of all is happening to me.  I found the greatest, LOVE of all inside of me."

Tears fell from my eyes when I knew this was HIS message for me today.  I am learning that HE knows me far better than know myself, and HE knows of my worries and my doubts, looooong before I do.  So it doesn't surprise me that on a morning where I was adamant that I wasn't going to write anything, HE has captured my heart once again in remind me of what it means for me to have been saved by grace.

HIS Daily Teachings today is purposely taking me back to show me that in my worries and my doubts, WHY it is that I am where I am today, and HOW I got to where I am.  HE is telling me that it has NEVER been by my own decision, other that to say YES to HIM, as HE is the ONE with the PLAN, and its HIS strength that was, is, and will be poured into me to ensure that HIS plan will be lived to the fullest by me.  HE is wanting me to know that the world see's things differently than HIM, and that SATAN banks on that to try and trip me up.  Even after all these years, HE is telling me that I still don't TRUST HIM completely.  

" Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

That is hard for me to know, as I want so desperately to TRUST HIM completely.  I so desperately want EVERY single word that are on my lips to be PRAISING HIM, HONORING HIM, and WORSHIPING HIM.  However, since I'm human I know that my words are so often less than that.  I know that just like this morning, I run away from HIM, I refuse to do the things HE's asked me to do.  

Yesterday one of my soul-sisters wrote about how HE chose to parent me.  I remember the day that I first realized I was HIS daughter.  HE is telling me that is when HE began to teach me, to show me, to guide me HIS ways.  HE knew, I didn't, how much time I would take for me to get from where I was then, to where I am now.  HE knew all of the tests, trials, and storms that I would have to endure.  HE knew of the total destruction, and devastation that I would NOT only survive, but learn to walk again, as I am choosing every single day to LIVE with HIM.  

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

HE is reminding me that it has only been because I have been saved by HIS grace that I am able to still stand in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how cheated I feel, how angry I am that all those years ago, when I was ready to give up, I gave in to HIS perfect love, and was rescued, redeemed, and rebuilt STRONG. HE is telling me that HE knows how angry I am that I have come so far, only to be hurt in the worst possible way.  HE knows, and HE hurts right along with me. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. " Palm 34:18

What I am learning about being saved by grace is that is the only way I am able to endure this life without my precious little boy.  I know that it is truly by HIS grace only, that on the worst day of my life, where I screamed, and cried, and begged from the depth of my soul of the most agonizing anguish I have ever felt.  Laying in my driveway, cast down, begging for HIM to please, please, please GOD oh GOD oh GOD oh GOD save my SON.... my Sethie..... my baby..... oh GOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

Reliving that means tears pouring out of my eyes, as I still can't believe that really happened, I really survived that.  My other four children survived that.  My fourteen year old daughter's best friend survived that.....and the man who tried desperately to save our son, Seth's Daddy, my loving husband D, left in death's aftermath..... so horrendously....... heartbroken......

In being saved by grace is how I am able to breathe, and live, and get out of bed every single morning, and be present with my precious four children.  It is being saved by grace that D and I haven't let go of our marriage, as we were left heartbroken, shattered, and so completely alone, as we were both grieving so differently.   It is being saved by grace that we are able to go out as a family of six in the worlds eyes, and when people look at us, they see that emptiness, that sadness, a MASSIVE hole in each of our hearts in the shape of our precious little Seth.  It is being saved by grace that I am able to share the ugliness of grief, and loss.  It is being saved by grace that I am an inspiration. (a word that I am trying my best to graciously accept)  

Most of all it is being saved by grace that I am able to stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, to TRUST HIM, to BELIEVE HIS promises to me.  It is being saved by grace that I am able to share to openly and candidly about what my life is like in the good times, and in the bad times.  It is being saved by grace that I am able to be HIS living vessel, as HIS messenger of HOPE to this broken, full of darkness, lost, lonely world.  It is being saved by grace that I am able to let HIS LIGHT SHINE in me and through me for ALL the world to SEE, that even when the unthinkable, the unimaginable happens, HE is still GOOD.  Most importantly it is truly being saved by grace that I am able to remain in HIS presence, experiencing HIS JOY, while soaking in HIS PEACE, all because I am LOVED by HIS unending, unfailing, unconditional, relentless PERFECT LOVE.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" Luke 1:45

" There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  it is my prayer that if you have yet to experience being saved by HIS grace that you will have the courage to let go of all of what you've known, and seek HIM, ask HIM to come into your heart, as all it takes is ONE loving touch from HIM, to completely turn your whole world around.  I pray today that if you have been saved by grace that you will remember when that was in your life, and HOLD TIGHT, and FAST to that knowledge, as that is HIS guarantee that just as HE worked things out for your good then, HE is truly do the same right now in your life.  I pray today that you will SEE HIS light shining brightly for you, HIS light which is leading you down HIS path of the GLORIOUS FUTURE HE has planned for you.

Always with love and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

behavior modification

As of yesterday it has now been five months since sweet little Seth's Homecoming.  During the previous months of the 13th day I cried, grieved, and was so incredibly angry.  Not only was I mourning the loss of my precious little son, I was also mourning my families life as we knew it.  In an instant our whole world stopped, and yet somehow....... life kept going.  

I remember those first few days, where we all walked around in a daze, and each time someone would come visit us, or bring food, or call, it was as if though we just apart of the most horrific horror film any of us had ever seen.  

By the time we hit the sixth week mark, visitors stopped coming as regularly, and the food, and support stopped pouring in.  It was as if life was moving on without us, and cruelly was telling me that I especially needed to do the same.  In knowing that, I became angry.  So angry that I could hardly SEE anything that was good in my life.  So angry that I began to say things, and give into feelings and emotions that I had prayed that I wouldn't have to battle in coping with the massive loss of my precious little love.

By three months in I was saying "I hate everyone, and everything, I hate life, I hate that Seth died, I hate that this has happened to our family.  I hate happy families, I hate seeing happy, JOY filled people.  I hate that I'm missing out on my life.  I hate...... I hate..... I hate...."  It was as if though I were trapped in this living nightmare, and even though I knew, and TRUSTED HIM that HE had amazing plans for my families future..... I couldn't SEE beyond the HATE, the ANGER, the RAGE that I felt because I was being FORCED to deal with something, that I had absolutely NO say in what so ever.  

To be completely honest, I was so incredibly angry with HIM.  Over and over I relived the week before, the day before, I racked my brain as to how could GOD do this to me?  I was HIS, I am HIS FAITHFUL follower, I speak HIS words, I speak HIS truth, I was ALL in, do you HEAR ME GOD, I WAS ALL IN????????"  Questions plagued my mind,  as the anger and animosity towards anything HE was calling me to do began to consume my every thought.  

I would have days where I could SEE HIS HOPE in front of me, and could SEE and experience HIS GREAT LOVE for me.... those were the good days.  Then there were the days where I was so beyond devastated, angry, and dare I even say pissed off that this was really my life.  So angry that I couldn't SEE beyond the blinding pain, and couldn't begin to speak in a positive way...... those were some of the darkest days of my existence. 

Then a week ago today I had the most endearing heart to heart talk with D, that we have ever had in our twenty years of doing this life together.  In one morning's time, HE had me open my heart up to the brokenness, the ugliness, the hatred, the animosity, the hurt..... the flood gates opened, and the result would be one of the most PEACE filled, HOPE filled, JOY filled weeks of my life, since the day my world....... stopped. 

So much good has come out of this past week, and being on the now 8th day of relief, as I have been set FREE from the pit of despair.  As I sit here typing, and thinking back to everything that has transpired this week, I can smile, and even laugh at some of the things that I witnessed, and experienced.  I can tell you it is because HE has captured my heart in the most LOVING way, HIS way, and today HE has asked me to share with you how HE did it.

HIS Daily Teachings today is teaching me that the only way I was able to climb OUT of the pit of despair, was by choosing to TRUST HIM completely, and by seeking HIM and waiting on HIS timing to teach, lead, and guide me in how to do just that.  HE is wanting me to know today that it wasn't that I just begged HIM to HELP me.  HE is telling me that the only way I have been able to experience, and feel HIS TRUE JOY, and TRUE PEACE is because HE has taken me through a complete Behavior Modification.  

"But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression." Psalm 19:12-13

Two weeks ago at church we sang a new song, well new for me anyways, and it was basically Psalm 51:10-12.  As we sang the songs few verses over and over again.... something began to awaken deep within me.  I could feel HIS HOPE rising up.  Over and over we sang, and the more I sang, the more HOPE filled I began to feel.  

"Create in me a clean heart Oh GOD, and renew a right SPIRIT within me.  Create in me a clean heart Oh GOD, and renew a right SPIRIT within me.  Cast me NOT away from THY presence Oh LORD, Take NOT THY HOLY SPIRIT from me.  Restore unto me, the JOY of THY Salvation, and renew a right SPIRIT within me."

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12

The next day was Monday, another mark, another cruel reminder that another week has passed that we lived this life without our precious little one.  Determined that I would NOT be despair filled, I "tried" to just accept that life was changing.... in the determination, I was resolved to NOT cry.  As the day wore on, my emotions began to spill out of me, and tears, anger filled tears, despair filled tears began to pour from eyes, and pool as oceans at my feet.  I felt as if though I couldn't cry had enough.  I was filled with total anguish in knowing that no matter how hard I cried, as soon as I would experience even an ounce of PEACE, another ocean of tears was waiting to pour out from my weary aching eyes. 

"My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long,"Where is your God?” Psalm 42:3

Somehow, just as all the other Monday's prior, I made it through that day.  The next day I sang Psalm 51:10-12 and wanted so desperately wanted to know what that looked like for me.  Over and over I sang it, and yet NOTHING was happening.  My anger towards HIM was rising up, and was reaching its boiling point.  I was brought to the brink of saying GOD seriously... if you don't rescue me now, I'm going to STOP speaking YOUR words, as I'm NOT going to have this target on my back anymore."  

" Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes." Ephesians 6:11

A week ago Saturday is when I reached my boiling point, and even though all I could SEE and feel was anger, as I was so deep with the pit of despair, HE knew, and HE was about to lead me through a series events of yet another loving, and soul capturing rescue for my life, my heart, my body, and my mind.  It was on a Saturday morning, where I found myself still in bed at 10 am, with NO plans of EVER getting out of bed.  Through several talks with each of my family members, and ending with my talk with D..... HE spoke, HIS words were heard, and felt, and that is when I know that HIS plans for my much needed  Behavior Modification began. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is letting me know that I didn't coming up with the word challenge all on my own.  Rather HE put that word in my mouth, in my mind, so that when I felt the urge to say how hard things were, as that is a death filled word, HE then replaced it with HIS HOPE filled word.  HE is letting me know HE did this because as HE has been teaching me for the past 12 years now, that through every single test, trial, and storm they were filled with challenges that grew my FAITH in HIM, my TRUST in HIM, and my HOPE in HIM.  

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. " James 1:2-5

HE is wanting me to know that the only way to grow in my life, is when I accept the challenge that each day brings.  I can tell you that in just that small Behavior Modification of ditching the word hard, and replacing it with the word challenge, something within me began to change.  

I went to bed that Sunday night, praying "LORD whatever YOU are doing within me now, please DON'T STOP, fill me with YOUR Strength to be able to accept and complete the challenge that tomorrow will bring.  Shower me with YOUR grace, and flood me with YOUR peace."  That night I went to sleep with HOPE restored.  

In thinking back to this past Monday all I can say is ONLY GOD, ONLY HE could work the miracles in my life.  This past Monday with HIS HOPE restored, D and I received the most amazing news, and received the most astonishing answer to our prayers that HE was blessing us with a new home to rebuild our families lives.  With just two phone conversations, we began to SEE glimpses of HIS plan for our family, and JOY was felt, experienced, and PEACE was all around.  It was as if though I was floating throughout the entire day, and even when thinking about Seth, I was sad, but yet so was so incredibly HOPE filled.  

" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I was almost afraid to fall asleep that night as I didn't want this incredible HOPE filled state of being to end.  Much to my surprise, and HIS JOY I woke up that next morning feeling the same as I did the day before.  HE is letting me know today that is because I allowed HIM to teach me to let go of saying despair filled, by replacing it with HOPE filled  HE is wanting me to know that in changing those two words, was the next step in my much needed Behavior Modification.  

"weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Yesterday was the mark of 5 months of living this life missing Seth, and learning to cope, and learn to live my life well while still having to miss Seth.  This new knowledge HE is teaching me is the next step in my Behavior Modification.  With this next step I was able to do something yesterday that was much needed in order for my family and I to allow HIM to teach us how to rebuild our family.  Yesterday morning my four precious children and I went house shopping.  We had prayed that HE would lead us straight to the HOME that is waiting for us.  We prayed that HE would promptly close ALL of the doors on the houses that weren't for us.  Last night we did a 2nd walk through with D, and this weekend we have begun the process of becoming home owners once again.

" Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45

I can tell you had I not experienced Behavior Modification I wouldn't have been in the right mind set to hear HIS words, as HE has been speaking them to me all week of the GLORIOUS FUTURE that HE has planned for each of our lives.  This past week I have the most endearing, heartfelt talks with each of my children in talking about their futures, their failures, and was able to share HIS amazing grace, overwhelming peace, and relentless love for each of them.  I know that had I NOT chosen to let go..... and let HIM take me through HIS plan of my Behavior Modification I wouldn't have been able to speak HIS truth to each of my children.  

Today I am overwhelmed by HIS amazing grace, overwhelming peace, and relentless love that I know, love, and experience daily.  Today I am in complete and total awe of HIS plans that HE is revealing to me one step at a time, in teaching me, showing me, and proving to me once again that HE truly does love and know me best, and that HIS plans are for GOOD, and that even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, pain, anger, and anguish, HE is there, HE is working it all for GOOD, and HIS plan is for me to NOT only know, but to experience HIS plans for my life, that are for GOOD.  It has been through total Behavior Modification that I am once again able to speak HIS words of life, and SHUT DOWN, SHUT UP, and SHUT OUT, the lies of the enemy, the death filled words of evil, and CAST out ALL feelings of fear, as I know that though I may feel fear, I don't have to worry whether or NOT HE will be there, as HE is already there, has been there, and when I seek HIM, and share my fear with HIM, HE will fill me with HIS power and authority by filling me with HIS strength to overcome every single one of my fears.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  It is my prayer today that if you too are in the pit of despair, hold fast dear ones, as HIS help is on the way.  I pray that you will know that HE truly does catch and collect every single of your tears, HE knows your pain, and HE wants to release you from the anguish that you feel.  I pray that you will know that though NOTHING in this life will ever be easy, it is possible with HIM.  I pray that through HIM, with HIM, you too will overcome the fears in your life, as you being the process of your own Behavior Modification.

Always in love and prayers, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

learning to walk again.....

Well here it is Monday again, and this time it's oddly unfamiliar as I'm not drowning in total sorrow, and drenched in tears as my heart tells me how long its been since I held Seth.  Instead, I am sitting here in my office, after almost an hour of journaling, without shedding one tear.  Instead, I've had a good morning walking and talking with HIM, as HE has begun to teach me what it means to fully TRUST HIM.

HIS Daily Teachings today is me learning to walk again.  HE has been preparing my heart, soul, mind, and body for this transformation for a few weeks now.  I could feel the urge to overcome the awful sorrow I was feeling, but didn't know how.  To be honest the thought of ever being able to feel safe again, or to smile again seemed like it was impossible.  Yet as each day passed me by, things were happening, life was happening, and finally when I had enough of living in the pit of despair, I cried out to HIM to please rescue me, show me what it is to fully TRUST HIM, so that I didn't have be suffering though this immense pain anymore.

For almost a month now I have struggled with just being Mama to my four children here.  What I mean by that is, we have all been under attack by the enemy, and many horrible things have happened to each of us. The more bad things were happening, the more I felt the target on our backs growing.  Almost as if the enemy were keeping a tally on his destruction of our lives.  As though he were receiving some sort of sick pleasure in watching us fall apart, and flee from everyone and anyone that was even remotely happy.  

Last week, I had, had ENOUGH, I wasn't going to take it anymore.  I wasn't going to lie flat on my back, completely cast down, and DIE right where I was.  Yet I didn't know how to even stand, but knew that I needed to.  Well because HE loves me so much, HE made sure that HE placed all the right people in my life to encourage me to stand.  

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,  my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

Today however is different, its not just about standing, rather its about me learning to walk again.  Today HE is pouring into me the image of what it looks like for me to be able to do just that.  Today HE is taking me through scenarios of common occurrences in our home.  Today HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to prepare me to be able to stand, and to walk. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Today HE is teaching me just how to get back on my feet, so that I am able to NOT only be Mama, but to LIVE out loud, my FAITH, my TRUST, my HOPE in HIM, so that I will be able to teach and model for my children what it means to stand, and what it looks like when your learning to walk again.  In all of this, through all of this, HE is wanting my children to remember that when their little brother Seth went HOME to live with JESUS, that is when Mama clung to JESUS, HIS promises, and even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, pain, anguish, and anger, still was able to SEE HIS light, and after a time of rest, learned to stand, and after standing, began to learn to walk again.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HE is telling me that in order to walk again, I must choose to TRUST in HIS timing.  This is a struggle for me, as well I'm a control freak.  When it comes to the happenings of my life, and my families life, I like to be prepared, I like to have a plan, in other words I HATE surprises!  Especially those that level our family, or cause deep pain, or inflict horrendous pain on our lives.  However, with all that being said, HE knew I would be like that, and HE knew how patient HE would need to be with me to teach, lead, and guide me to the place of where that TRUST exists.  I can honestly tell you that in learning to walk again I can finally begin to understand what that looks like.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
6 

"But I trust in you, Lord;  I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies,from those who pursue me." Psalm 31:14-15
   HE is wanting me to know that HE SEE's how much I am struggling with the circumstances of my life, and my families life.  HE is telling me that HE has a plan for our lives, and to TRUST HIM, but not only that HE is telling me that I CAN, therefore I must choose to rely on HIS promises.  This is hard for me as well, as growing up many promises were made to me, and were broken.  To be honest, standing in my office on the morning of Seth's Homecoming going all in, and having my heart shattered later that after noon, well to be quite honest, I have struggled with relying on HIS promises, as I "thought" I understood HIS promises to me.  

For almost two years I read my daily devotional about spiritual warfare.  Each day I would read, I gained this confidence that I was in right standing with HIM, and that meant so were my children.  I foolishly "thought"  that because of my FAITHFULNESS to HIM, and my willingness to being ALL in, that somehow we would all be exempt from having to suffer any evil attacks from the enemy.  That HE would come in a save us just in time.  NEVER once did I ever even consider that the challenge was accepted, and the enemy was planning his most cruel and horrific attack on my family and myself.  NEVER once did I ever forsee us having to suffer.... that day was the darkest most scary, heartbreaking, tragic moment of our families lives, as the enemy "tried" to wipe us all out by taking the precious little one sleeping safely in his bed.  

Looking back, and knowing all of HIS promises, and going from what I knew then to what I know now, it's like I've received a new set of eyes.  No longer do I live so carelessly and foolishly in "thinking" that NOTHING bad would ever happen to me, or my family.  Rather my reality is that bad things do happen, the enemy attacks, but HE is SOVEREIGN.  What this means to me is that I CAN TRULY RELY on HIS promises as HE didn't promise that we wouldn't have to suffer, rather HIS word says that because of HIM suffering for us, we must suffer for HIM, for HIS Kingdom.  In other word's GOD's kids don't get an easy life, but they do get a Blessed Life, and do so when finally learning to RELY on HIS promises.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,   for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers,  for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matthew 5:3-11

" But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Right now D and I are in a Season of waiting for HIS answers to our prayers.  We have very specific prayers that we are praying each day.  One prayer being our new home.  We know that HE has a new home already picked out and planned for us to move into.  We TRUST HIM, but waiting is so hard.  The hardest thing that I am currently waiting for is being brought HOME to HIM, so that I will be able to SEE Seth again.  The hardest part about being apart from Seth is  missing him.  Longing to hold him, empty arms....... is excruciatingly hard.... yet I pray and BELIEVE that HE is going to answer my prayers for HIM to fill my arms once again.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God,
 for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love,
 and he relents from sending calamity.Who knows? He may turn and relent
 and leave behind a blessing—" Joel 2:13-14

I know that I am able to BELIEVE in HIS Miracles as I have experienced them many times in my life.  It is because of my HISTORY with HIM, that I know that I CAN TRUST, RELY, DEPEND, and BELIEVE that HE will do what HE says HE will do, because HE has, is and will continue to do so.  This I BELIEVE because HE has taken so much time to prepare my heart, soul, and mind to SEE and know, LIVE and experience that HE truly is SOVEREIGN, and HE TRULY does know and love me best.

" Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28

This past week I crossed over into a threshold of grieving and that is to be able to REJOICE in HIS GOODNESS in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I am able to do this because HE so lovingly took the time to teach me about HIS Perspective, and what that looks like, and how to seek HIM, and HIS vision so when the darkness hovers and threatens to block out HIS light, I would be able to STAND FIRM and RELY on HIS promises that even though everything seems to be going wrong, HE is truly doing a good work in me and through me, and that I can REJOICE in knowing that HIS good will OVERCOME the evil and I will be able to SEE all the good that is coming out of the bad.  I am truly living a life of triumph over tragedy, and beauty from ashes.

" Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. I have suffered much;   preserve my life, Lord, according to your word. Accept, Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law. The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts. Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end." Psalm 119:105-112

HE is wanting me to know that one of my biggest struggles is resting, even more so learning to RELAX in HIS presence, as being someone WHO has hard a pretty hard life, I've always been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living my life, walking a tight rope, waiting for someone to come along and cut the line.  Well when Seth slipped away, that is exactly what happened, only I didn't fall to my death, rather I was caught safely in HIS arms.  I didn't fall apart, I didn't lose my mind, in fact my mind was kept intact, so that I would be able to answers the detectives questions about the happenings of that day.  I know that is is by GOD's amazing grace that our family is safe from any evil that was trying to make its way in to upset the peace that we have all received in knowing that HE is truly in the details.

It has been through HIS power and authority given unto me that I am able to stand and fight with my words against the evil that is "trying" its hardest to wipe out our family, and even more so me.  I know the enemy hates me, and I'm okay with that.  I'm a tenacious fighter, and the one thing that everyone will know when they read or hear my story is that I NEVER GAVE UP, and that is because with each new test, trial, and storm, no matter how big, or how bad, I know that HE is there, and HIS timing, through HIS provision, HE will lead me back to my feet, and with each new step I take towards HIM, and HIS plan for my life, I will be learning to walk again.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"I will go before you and will level the mountains I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2

" By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night." Exodus 13:21

"The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes" Deuteronomy 1:30

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  not by my own doing, but only through HIM have I received such PEACE about having to live my life without Seth.  Not by my own doing but through HIM, with HIM, am I able to STAND, and TRUST and know that HE will in HIS way, NOT mine, teach me to walk again.  I pray that you if you too are struggling in grief, pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish, or anger that you will know that HE is there, and when you are ready, HE's been ready, and HE will help you take your first step as you too will be learning to walk again, as you choose to TRUST in HIS timing, RELY on HIS promises, WAIT for HIS answers, BELIEVE in HIS miracles, REJOICE in HIS goodness, and RELAX in HIS presence.

much, love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather