uncomfortable.....

Since the worst day of my life happened on October 13, 2014..... the day that will be forever etched into my memory as the day that my precious not even 2 year old son Seth slipped away.  An ordinary day, where our dreams were destroyed and our hearts were shattered.  The fateful day where D and I would learn that our children's days were indeed numbered, as well as our own.  The day where would stand in Heaven's doorway and hand our precious little one back to HIM, and TRUST that HE knew what was best. 

Since then it's been 30 weeks since we last held our precious baby boy, and kissed his little hands and face.  30 long weeks of sleeping without our precious 7th family member. Memories of having to plan his celebration of life on what should have been his 2nd birthday.  Walking into his room that morning, having to pick out his clothes that he would be buried in.  The Mickey Mouse pullover that had just been purchased the week before.  His little socks that he only wore a few times, and his new little navy blue pants that he loved, and would wear for only the 2nd time.  His little monster hat that he so adored, and his little fireman jacket that he was to wear for his 2nd birthday party, and Halloween that was just a few short weeks away. 

Having to plan his celebration of life was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It was the finality that he was really gone.  Sitting at the desk with the funeral home director as he had us sign a release form for the medical examiner office to release Seth's body to them to prepare him for his celebration.  Seeing my son's name for the first time with a dash...... the dash that would crush me, and level me all at once.  The dash that is forever etched into my mind that is now a part of my story.  My son's story..... the story of my son's precious not even two years of life.

In the past 30 weeks I have struggled immensely with my grief.  From anger, to jealousy, to fear, to depression, I've experienced it all.  Through it all I have learned the hardest part of grief and that is that it is the un-welcomed gift that keeps on giving.  I have learned that there is NOTHING I can do except walk through grief.  

For 30 weeks now I've been on this horrific journey of learning to walk through grief.  I have learned in the hardest of lessons that I can't go around grief, I can't go underneath it.  I can't go over it, nor can I get ahead of it.  Lastly I have learned that I can't stay behind it..... in the most heart wrenching way I have learned that the only way through grief, is to actually walk through it.  

I can tell you that since I began this heartbreaking journey of grief, I have learned that grief is something that makes people uncomfortable.  I have learned in this short walk of 30 weeks, that grief is NOT something that this world is comfortable with.  I have seen first hand just how uncomfortable other people are when they see my tears.  I have experienced some of the hardest trials of my grief, in knowing that this world teaches people that out of sight, well frankly out of mind.  Meaning that as long as I don't talk about Seth, I won't have to think about him.  Therefore they feel as long as they don't bring him up, or allow me to talk about him, somehow, someway that will make everything okay.  

Let me tell you that the most heartbreaking moments in my time of grief are those when people are too uncomfortable to even mention my sweet precious son Seth's name.  I miss hearing his name, I miss saying his name, and having him come running to me.  When we chose his name, we were in love with it, and when he was born, he definitely fit the part of his name.  My son Seth was such a JOYFUL little guy.  He was such a light to our family, and brought us immense happiness. 

Now that he is gone, our world is a little dimmer, our JOY is a little less, and our hearts have a HUGE gaping hole in the size of our sweet little Sethie.  Gone are the nights of staying up late with my little guy who just wanted to be with me.  Now my nights are spent staring at the wall of our new home, waiting....... waiting for a little hand to touch my face in the middle of the night..... knowing that will NEVER happen, at least not where my precious son Seth is concerned. 

D and I announced last week that our family is expecting once again, and that our precious little one will be joining our crew in November.  Since announcing well meaning people have said some pretty incredibly hurtful things to us.  Things like, well now that you have a new home and new baby you can focus on that, and you won't have to cry anymore.  Now that you have been blessed with a new beginning you don't have to grieve so hard.  

I wish so badly I could explain just how life altering grief truly is.  I wish I could put it into words how much words hurt.  I wish I could tell that person who feels uncomfortable that I would give anything to have that be my only problem.  I wish I could respond to those well meaning people who say "at least you have your four other children, and new baby on the way."  Sometimes.... my mind goes to the not so nice side, and longs to respond..... "really well go home and line up your children, and choose the one WHO you could live without.  Then tell me how at least you have your other children......"  Words hurt, and when your wounded, well frankly a paper cut could slice you right in half. 

Dealing with people who feel uncomfortable in my grief are exactly the people WHO I try my best to avoid.  I realize that today's post is NOT really what I usually have to say, but quite honestly these are feelings that I have been struggling with for quite some time now.  Dealing with the uncomfortable has given me a platform to speak the truth about what walking through grief is really like.

I can tell you that grief is selfish, quite frankly it doesn't care how you feel, as all I know is the excruciating, pain and agony that I live with daily.  I don't really care that it makes you feel uncomfortable to see me cry, as I'm the one who lives this life daily with out my precious little one.  Like I said, grief is selfish.

I can tell you that even though I deal with the uncomfortable on a daily basis, I can tell you that I know without a doubt that I am NOT alone.  I know that HE is with me, and HE is working hard on my heart daily to SEE the good in people, and NOT to react the way the FLESH is screaming at me that I should.  I can tell you that it is my FAITH in HIM that keeps me level headed, in NOT responding to what people say, well meaning, loving, giving, caring, thoughtful people say because they are uncomfortable in my grief. 

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

It has been through HIM, and with HIM, that I am able to withstand the questions, and constant advice.  I am learning that NOTHING anyone is EVER going to say is going to bring any relief to my weary, and aching, heart and soul.  I know that the only thing that EVER helps me is when people tell me they love me and that they are praying for me.  I know that it has been through endless prayers that I have survived this massive loss of my precious son.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

For the past few weeks HE has been working hard on my heart NOT to be angry with people, but rather SEE them through HIS eyes.  HE has gifted me the blessings of HIS perspective, with HIS wisdom, and through HIS provision I have been able to SEE past the flesh, and SEE ALL the good that HE is doing in me, and through me, by teaching, leading, and guiding me through the tests, trials, and storms in dealing with the uncomfortable. 

"For the Lord gives wisdom;  from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" Proverbs 2:6

I am thankful for HIS constant flow of GRACE, and HIS endless flood of PEACE that keeps me from coming completely undone whenever someone who is uncomfortable says something hurtful.  I am thankful that HE is ALL I NEED and that I know that no matter what may happen in this lifetime, HE is with me always, and HE will give me ALL the strength I need to endure what ever the storm may be.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2
I have learned this because I have been through the largest most horrific storm of my life.  I have learned that this is my story, and because I acknowledge that HE will speak to me and through me to reach the masses.  To share HIS message of HOPE, LOVE, GRACE, PEACE, MERCY, and FAITHFULNESS.  I am learning what it means to truly be HIS ambassador and how when I allow HIM to receive ALL the praise honor and glory in my story, HE can and will do amazing things, through me.  I know that is because I have CHOSEN to follow HIM daily, to stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, and TRUST HIM that HE knows what HE is doing, as I know without a doubt that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.  

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

"We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"he Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19
 

I know that even when the ugliness of grief comes spilling out of me, I know that HIS mercies are truly new for me every single morning.  I know that even though other people are uncomfortable with my grief, NOTHING that I feel, think, say or do is foreign to HIM.  I know that EVERY single one of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are KNOWN to HIM.  I know that HE truly is close the brokenhearted, as I have been that way for the past 30 weeks, and in just looking at today's date on my computer, I see that today marks seven months.... 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 The Message Bible

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;  therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;" Lamentations 3:22-25

Looking out the new beautiful windows of my office tonight, the sun is setting, and SEE HIS masterpiece.... I SEE HIS goodness, and I look down and SEE my growing stomach as I experience HIS goodness, and living out HIS promise for new beginnings, rebuilding, and new life.  Through tears, I thank HIM for my time with my precious son, and I thank HIM for choosing me once again to be Mama to another one of HIS children.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

It with HIS HOPE and tremendous JOY and PEACE that HE is flooding me with tonight, that I can SEE ALL that HE is doing in my life, and my families life.  It is through HIS promise of new life that I can smile, and know that HE truly does know what is best for me and my family.  Even in coming to terms with my precious son's passing I know have the PEACE that I have craved since the very moment Seth slipped away.  

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE loves me, truly, madly, and deeply, beyond anything I have ever known.  HE chooses me, HE died for me, and so now is my time to LIVE for HIM.  I know I am only given once chance to live this life I have been blessed with, and today I am choosing to LIVE it well.  It is my prayer that each and every morning that HE allows me to open my eyes to this LIFE that I will choose to LIVE it for HIM, and in honor of my precious son Seth to LIVE this life fully with tremendous JOY.  Today is a NEW DAY  with a fresh perspective, that even through the uncomfortable HIS light is shining, for me, and when I seek HIM, and HIS ways, HIS light with SHINE in me, and through me, and maybe just maybe those WHO are uncomfortable will SEE and know that it truly is a honor for me to talk about the precious life of my beautiful son Seth.

"The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad." Psalm 118:24

"Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17

"and don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 The Message Bible

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  It is my fervent prayer that you will know that NO matter what you may be going through you will know that HE is with you.  I pray that if you too are dealing with uncomfortable people in your life, you will know that HE has placed them their for HIS purpose to speak through you to share HIS message of HOPE.  I pray that if you are someone WHO is uncomfortable with someone else's grief, that my story will give you the courage to reach out, to seek HIM, to pray to lift them up to HIM, to be HIS hands and feet.  I pray today that your journey with HIM will take you from being uncomfortable to comfortable as you find yourself enveloped in HIS loving embrace.

Always in love, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

New Beginnings

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed.  That I would see the goodness of the Lord.  In the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

From the moment where D and I would learn that our precious one year old son Seth had gone home to LIVE with JESUS, our hearts where shattered, and slowly the reality of tragedy began to sink in. It was in the first few weeks that we began to realize that our hopes and dreams for him were gone, that they didn't matter as we would never SEE them lived out in the precious life of our sweet little boy.

I remember waking up those first few weeks, every morning being met with the deepest most excruciatingly raw pain I have ever known. My face ached, my eyes ached, my head ached, and my skin and nose were raw from constantly being wiped. I was weak, exhausted, and so completely heartbroken. I walked around in a daze those first few weeks, wondering how this could possibly be the plan.... how could this possible be for the best? Wondering how I would ever be able to experience JOY once again?

So many people prayed for me and with me, that I would be able to LIVE with HIS JOY once again, and honestly the more they prayed, the more I was filled with tremendous doubt. Yet something, kept me hanging on, and that was HIS HOPE, HIS promise to me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HIS word had been poured over me and into me for over two years to prepare me for this horrendous storm. THE STORM that was planned by the enemy to take me out once and for all. Little did I know, HE had a plan, and when HE started revealing to me what that plan was, honestly I was speechless.

At the end of this past November HE had planted a seed in both of D and my hearts, that we would be having more children. Most specifically HE placed HIS word deep into our hearts, and minds to meditate on, pray for, and soak in daily. In December I attended a MOPS meeting, and we made a Christmas banner. I made one that said JOY, and hung it up in our kitchen at home. I also made a banner of two names, Joel, and JOY and I wrote HIS word on those two banners. As soon as I got home I hung them up in my office, over my desk, and every morning that I would meet with HIM to pour my heart out to HIM, I would pray over that banner.

"Rend your heart  and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent  and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

Not long after making the banner, did I feel the urgency to really pray circles around the banner, and our forever home. I felt very strongly that HE was giving me HIS vision of what our families future was going to look like. I new it was going to be amazing, as HE had made sure that our families verse was exactly HIS message of HOPE for our family as we were now living in the aftermath of the most horrific tragedy of our lives.

Somewhere along this journey of the past almost seven months of grieving my precious Sethie, HIS word has given me the HOPE that I have been needing. As the days passed me by, my FAITH in HIM was growing stronger as HE was moving massive mountains in our lives, to ensure that we would truly be living HIS promise to us for a future full of HIS HOPE, and goodness.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

At the end of March it became very apparent that we were going to be moving into our forever home, and if that weren't promising and exciting enough, HE was just beginning with the blessings for our families future. On March 25th I was well into my first week of my weight loss journey. Most specifically I was down six pounds, and feeling encouraged. That afternoon, I began experiencing horrendous heartburn, and new that I shouldn't have been as I had been eating in such a way that would eliminate that problem.

That night as soon as D got home from work I told him I think I might be pregnant, almost too afraid to even utter those words, he said, "are you sure?" Honestly, after having five children, I knew something was up, and if it wasn't pregnancy, then it was a new level of grief, and either way I needed answers.

I will never forget the tears that I cried, and my kids cried when I told all of them that our sweet baby Sethie was going to be a BIG brother. It was in those first few moments that I felt as though Seth had spoken to this precious little one, and said, "your going to love Mama." That night I cried tears of JOY, and cried myself to sleep thankful, HOPEFUL, and yet still so incredibly heartbroken.

I would be lying if I said that I haven't been fearful in this pregnancy. There have been many moments already in this pregnancy where I have been so overrun by fear, that I couldn't do anything but cry out to HIM. The most fearful time being waiting for my ultrasound to determine my due date. Waiting to see my ob that day was nerve wracking. I had been waiting over an hour when she came into the room, and said, "how are you doing today? Are you ready for this Mama?" As I laid back and waited for her to begin, I began to cry out to HIM, "Oh please JESUS, please don't break my heart..... please LORD don't break my heart."

Then she spoke and said, "okay Mama take a look at your little one." I turned my head, and saw the precious little life growing inside of me, and most importantly the little flashing light of that precious little one's heart beating. In that moment I began to cry tears of JOY, and PRAISED HIM and thanked HIM for this precious little life growing inside of me. I cried oceans of tears in knowing that I had been chosen once again to be Mama to one of HIS precious children.

As the weeks passed by, the news of our forever home began to sink in, HE was really answering our prayers for a new home, a fresh start, for New Beginnings. As we began to pack up our house, we had the daunting task of packing up Seth's room. At the time I thought that packing up HIS room was the hardest thing, what I didn't realize was that leaving our home for the last time, would actually be the hardest.

In those last few moments in our home, I stood in his room, placed my hands on the wall that he used to kick, the wall where I found him lifeless, the wall that even though I hated, I still clung to, as that was the last place where he was in this life. I stood there with tears pouring out of my eyes, soaking in all of my precious memories of my two boys, brothers, playing cars, and trucks in their room. Sitting on my oldest sons bed playing mario, and hearing them giggle and run around.

I walked into D and my bedroom room for the last time, and could still hear his little feet running across the hardwood floor. I could hear him opening and closing our door and locking it, and saying, "uh oh" as he locked us both in the room. I stood there feeling as if though leaving meant, leaving him, and leaving all those precious memories behind.

Thankfully HE placed me heavily on my oldest heart to be by my side.  She stood next to me and said, "oh Mama we're not leaving him, he is with us.  Seth is with us, he wasn't this house, he was our family, he is our family..... don't cry Mama.... GOD knows what HE's doing, this house hurts you so much, it brings you so much pain, that's why HE's moving us, and blessing us with our forever home."  I wiped my tears with my shirt, and walked out of our home for the last time.  

As I sit here this morning typing in my new office, I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of HIS blessings that HE continues to pour over us and flood us with daily.  One of things that I notice this morning is that our home has so many beautiful windows, and is filled with so much wonderful natural light.  Our last house wasn't like that at all, and Seth hated that.  He was always trying to SEE outside, and so looking out my office window right now, I can't help but to smile, as I know that Seth would have loved to live in this home, and that brings me tremendous JOY in knowing that HE has blessed me with those precious memories of Seth's longings for more of outside. 

Today is truly a new day for our family, as it is the first normal day where D has gone to work and it's just the children and I in our new home.  Today is the day for New Beginnings as we learn what our families new normal is going to look like, and how we are at New Beginnings in leaving the aftermath of losing our sweet precious Sethie.  

I am truly overwhelmed by HIS promises for our family.  Though I am so incredibly heartbroken, I am learning that though the pain of losing my sweet Sethie will NEVER go away, HE is showing me by teaching, leading, and guiding me that with HIM and through HIM, I will make room in my heart for the pain, so I will be able to live with it in a way that allows me to also experience HIS tremendous JOY that HE has planned for me.

I am complete and total awe of how much HE loves me, and my family.  I am in awe of HIS constant flow of goodness, love, and light that HE has been flooding us with.  I am in awe of how HE has answered, is answering, and will continue to answer even the smallest of prayers, so that not only will we know how much HE loves us, that we will experience how much HE loves us.

Though I know our lives will NEVER be the same as they were when we were a family of seven, oblivious to the cruel reality of this world, I know that our lives as a family of soon to be eight come this November, are going to be even greater.  I say this because we have survived the most massive, tragic loss of our families lives, and our relationships are stronger, and that is because we are family strong, because we are marriage strong, and that is because we are FAITH strong.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer for you today to know that if you too are in a massive storm that you will know HE is with you.  I pray that you will know that HE hasn't left you, nor will HE ever leave you.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS promises with HIS message of HOPE for a glorious future for you.  I pray that my story, will show that even when the worst thing happens, NOT only will you survive with HIM, you will CONQUER the fear, the anger, the angst, the anguish, the sorrow, the pain, and the sadness.  With HIM it is possible to LIVE again, and when you choose to TRUST HIM, HE will set you on the path of your New Beginnings.

Always in love and prayers with much understanding, grace, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

BE BRAVE

If I ever even doubted for one second whether or NOT HE loves me, let me tell you about the past three days of my life.  Beginning on Thursday I was blessed to be apart of 2600 women WHO began to hear this amazing message from HIM about  Past the Wishing when it came to courage and bravery.  What began as what I "thought" as just an encouraging message, would soon break me in ways that I had yet to be broken in this journey of grief that I am walking with HIM.

On Friday the guest speaker was Singer/Songwriter Natalie Grant.  She sat down with her guitarist and began to sing an acoustic set.  She told the stories of how the songs that she was singing came to be, WHO they were about etc.  As soon as she began to tell the story of her friend whose two month old died suddenly in her arms with NO warning.... well the alarm bells began to go off in my head, as to say, "brace yourself Heather, your a goner....."  It was then she began to sing "Held."  

"Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence. Would take a child from his mother, While she prays, is appalling"

Before I knew it, the tears began to flow, and I found sixty women all praying for me, these women that HE so lovingly picked to be my soul sisters.  They all gathered around me, jumped over me to get closer to me, held my hands, my arms, my legs, my shoulders, every part of me was being prayed for as I sat there, drenched in tears, coming completely undone.

The tears didn't stop at that song, as she went right into the next song called "better hands" which took me even deeper into my tears, and out into the waves of sorrow.  Finishing off the set with "it is well with my soul"  where I slowly began to be able to breathe again, as my soul sisters were still beside me, holding me, praying for me, and over me.  Rows and Rows of women, my soul sisters  WHOM I would find out later that were all rallying around me. 

When the worship time was over, my soul sister N sat beside me, held my hand, and with tears streaming down her face she said, "you can't do this alone, you are SO loved, we love you.... you have to let us help you with this.  You have to let us carry this with you.  You don't have to do this alone."

While I was sitting there paralyzed in tears, and mortified that I was coming completely undone while sitting with 2600 women,  HE began to speak to my heart.  

"Do you know how much I love you?  Can you feel MY love?  You don't have to do any of this alone.... can you feel MY arms around you?  I'm holding you..... I know how much it hurts, I know how much you miss Seth....... I know how hard this is, and how broken your heart is.  I am here, I am always here, holding you...... you can BE BRAVE because I am with you, and I'm NEVER going to leave you."

I wish I could say that is ALL it took, however since we've already established in ALL of my other posts that I am indeed a sloooooow learner.  It took until late last night, as I kept thinking about every thing that I heard at the conference.  Asking HIM, what would it look like for me to move Past the Wishing in grieving the loss of my precious son Seth?  HE began to speak so clearly to my heart, by bringing me right back into the messages I have been hearing for the past year really.

It is of NO coincidence that that theme of MOPS this past year was BE YOU BRAVELY. That I would be given a courage key just three short weeks before I would lose my precious little one year old.   That a beautiful necklace representing my children and a another key that said "BRAVE" would be gifted to me so lovingly by one of my mentor mom's, and soul-sister.  I am NOT surprised that I was given a necklace yesterday that says "I am BRAVE."   Knowing full well that HE teaches me in themes I am NOT surprised that the message at church the past few weeks has been about "I've got this, not that I Heather, got this, but rather HE, my LORD and SAVIOR, GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, my CREATOR has got this.  This being ALL of my pain, sadness, sorrow, anguish, tears, suffering, grief, JOY, light, purpose, ALL of it, HE's got this!"

HIS Daily Teachings today is speaking straight to my heart about how with HIM, and through HIM, I can, and I will BE BRAVE.  Through a song we sang at this conference called "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Church.  HE lead me straight to the song on Youtube, playing it over and over again, till HIS message penetrates my heart, and shuts out, shuts down, and shuts up the lies of the enemy that I'm broken, NEVER to be fixed, rather I will always be depressed, sad, upset, and angry with HIM for allowing this tragedy to happen to my family.

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding tothe truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

HIS voice is coming in LOUD and CLEAR.  It's time for me to BE BRAVE.  To BE BRAVE in my tears, and NOT hide them from the HELP, HIS HOLY SPIRIT that HE is sending through each of my soul sisters and brothers  to help shoulder this horrendous burden of grieving my precious sweet baby Sethie.  HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE in my pain, NOT that I won't feel my pain, but so that I will know that my pain is for a purpose, for HIS great purpose, that it means something.  That though it seems so incredibly unfair in this lifetime, HE promises one day I will understand that everything that HE allows will be made right by HIM.  

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever" John 14:16

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

HE is wanting me to know that it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to celebrate HIS JOY in my life.  HE is telling me that HE knows how I've been holding back in celebrating, as I have feared in doing so, it's like forgetting that my son died, what our family went through, and that in choosing HIS JOY I am leaving my precious little Seth behind.  HE knows this very thought stops me in my tracks, and brings me straight to my knees. 

"May he be pleased by all these thoughts about him, for he is the source of all my joy." Psalm 104:34

HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to be brought to my knees.  That when I allow HIM to bring me to HIM, as when I'm on my knees, I'm in full surrender, as that is when I realize I can't do any of this without HIM.  HE is telling me that with HIM and through HIM HE will teach me to BE BRAVE enough to grieve.  Just thinking about what that means, breaks me even further, as truthfully I'm afraid to grieve anymore than I already have.

" I have cried until the tears no longer come; my heart is broken, my spirit poured out, as I see what has happened to my people; little children and tiny babies are fainting and dying in the street" Lamentations 2:11

"He is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trusted in him, and he helped me. Joy rises in my heart until I burst out in songs of praise to him." Psalm 28:7

HE is telling me that HE knows, and wants me to rend my heart to HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through my grief, so HE can speak HIS truth through my grief, so that I will feel HIS amazing love, and in feeling how much HE loves me, I will be filled with HIS strength....... enough strength to BE BRAVE.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing—" Joel 2:13-14

HE is wanting me to know that its time for me to move Past the Wishing that I could BE BRAVE enough to let others in.  The help that HE has sent specifically for me, to help me, so that I would have HIS constant reminder that I am NEVER alone.  HE is letting me know that HE knows how much I hurt when I am being put through the fire.  So much that HE sent my soul sister M to speak HIS words straight to my heart yesterday in reminding me of the process of refining a diamond.  The moment she spoke, HE took me back into my early days of my walk with HIM, in reminding me what my therapist taught me about how when we go through these really hard things in our lives, it's like the refining process of a diamond.

"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people, and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God." Zechariah 13:9

"For you, God, tested us;  you refined us like silver." Psalm 66:10

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."Isaiah 48:10

" These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

HE is telling me that today I can BE BRAVE enough to be put through the fire.  HE is promising that HE will soothe the parts that ache from the refining process, and that with each time I allow HIM to refine me, HE will strengthen and grow my FAITH in HIM, and for HIM.  HE is telling me that with each step I take deep into the fire, HE promises that I will emerge even stronger that I was when I was BRAVE enough to step into the fire. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:1-3

HE is wanting me to BE BRAVE enough to surrender ALL of me, so that HE can teach me to SHINE HIS light.   HE is asking me once again to be ALL IN with HIM, so that I will know that NO matter what happens in my life, HE will be there to help me.  HE is speaking straight to my heart in saying it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to face my paralyzing fear of loss.  

" Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.” Luke 11:36

HE is telling me that HE knows, HE SEE's how much I am struggling to TRUST HIM completely, as there is a deep and real fear of going ALL IN, as the fear of loss weighs so heavily on every decision I am making these days.  HE is reminding me that HE NEVER said I wouldn't have fear,rather that when I felt fear, felt afraid, I can be rest assured through HIS Blessed Assurance that HE is there, and when I seek HIM, HE will make me BRAVE as HE will give me the courage to withstand the storm, and will give me the patience to endure the suffering while I wait on HIS timing and HIS provision to bring me through the fire. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

As if the songs, the messages weren't enough at the conference, HE is reminding me of HIS word that was spoken in such a way that when I realized what I was hearing, I couldn't help but to smile, as it was then HE took me back into this past November and HIS vision, that HE placed deep into my heart.  A vision that I would begin to pray for, and pray over fervently for the past almost six months.  A vision that HE would place deep into my heart just one month into grieving the loss of my precious son.  A vision that in HIS timing I will reveal to you all, as I can't wait, as HE is just that GOOD, and it just solidifies how much HE loves me, and how much HE desires greatly for me to NOT only know of HIS love, but to experience HIS amazing, unfailing, unconditional, unending, and relentless love.  

"And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness

pointing to what’s coming.It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time." Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message Bible

HE is reminding me of the dinner I had Monday night with my soul sister S where she she lovingly spoke that the reason why I struggle so deeply  with being told that I am BRAVE, Strong, and an inspiration is because the reason I am ALL of those things is because I have suffered such tremendous loss.   HE is telling me that is HIS TRUTH, and in knowing that I am learning that I am ALL of those things because HE made me that way.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day." Psalm 139:14 The Message Bible

HE is the ONE WHO makes me BRAVE.  HE is the ONE WHO has called me into the ocean and allows the waves to crash over me, to teach me to depend on HIM fully.  HE is the ONE WHO teaches me daily that I am a mess, HIS beautiful mess.  HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I have to cringe at ALL that I am, as I am HIS, and HE made me,and allowed the things that HE did, so bring me close to HIM, so that HE could transform, renew, and refine me to be like HIM.

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers

 have swept over me." Psalm 42:7

HE is telling me that today is the day that I choose to let go..... to allow HIM to BE BRAVE enough to let HIM break me.   HE is promising that though I am broken, I am beautifully broken, and that HE is putting me back together.  In such a way that the more I am brought out into the ocean, the harder the waves will have to crash to even make me move.  

"The Lord of Heaven’s Armies has spoken—who can change his plans?When his hand is raised,  who can stop him?” Isaiah 14:27

Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to admit that I need HIM.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to follow HIM, as HE is my LORD and SAVIOR.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to be right where HE has placed me, and even though it's NOT where I want to be, I will praise HIM, as I am NO where near where I used to be.  Today I am writing this blog, HIS loving message to ALL of you WHO are reading this that it's time for ALL of us to BE BRAVE enough to TRUST HIM, to know that HE is AUTHOR and the Perfecter of our FAITH, and HE will NEVER fail us, NOT even once.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

" Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Roman 12:12

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  it is my fervent prayer that you will know that though the world may teach you that suffering is weak and that in order to be a "true Christian" all you have to do is have stronger faith, that somehow you have failed if you are suffering as you lacked in FAITH.  I pray that you will know that it is because of your FAITH in trusting HIM, and allowing HIM to put you through the fire, that HE is refining, renewing, restoring, and and transforming you.  I pray today that if you too are suffering you will know that you are NEVER alone and with HIM, and through HIM you will choose to BE BRAVE.

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

with so much love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather