New

Yesterday was unlike any other day I've experienced since the loss of my precious one year old son Seth.  Yesterday I woke up feeling as though HE were telling something so incredibly important, but was going to make sure that I was fully understanding what it is that HE was telling me.  Yesterday HE made sure that I walked exactly where HE planned for me to walk, and I experienced the entire day just as HE had planned.

" For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

My day started out with a long conversation with D about my hurt "feelings."  He lovingly reminded me of how dangerous it is to be "feelings" led when it comes to make decisions, and thinking about HIS plan for me.  The more D spoke, the more my heart softened to those who have hurt or offended me, and the more I thought about them, the more I began to SEE them through HIS eyes.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

Our conversation took me back to a time where HE asked me to forgive people for far worse offenses in my life, and how eager and trusting I was to do just that.  D looked at me with love in his eyes and let me know that this isn't any different.  Well in a way it is, as these offenses were far less offensive than what I have already forgiven people for.  At the end of our talk, I felt clarity, peace of mind, and knew that by the end of the day, I would be on my way to a New vision, heart, perspective, and forgiveness.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

At 10am I left with my four children and my oldest daughters best friend for a day of shopping.   We were shopping for my second oldest daughters graduation party.  We visited several stores, and ended up at the mall.  I had said to D that morning that I felt HIM wanting me to go to the book store for some inspiration for the ministry that I am to be starting in the next few weeks.  

As I made my way to the Christian Life section, I was drawn to look at the bibles.  It has always been a dream of mine to own a soft bible, and very quickly I picked one up, took one look at it and knew that it was to be my New Bible.  I began to pray about what HE was wanting me to know, and began praying for yet another breakthrough.  HE answered, by leading me straight to a New Devotional called "JESUS Calling" by Sarah Young.  The more I walked around the store, the more I prayed to HIM and well in my humanness asked if HE was sure that I am supposed to be starting this ministry.  To which HE answered by leading me straight to a New Journal that had a beautiful flower on it, and simply said "His grace is sufficient for me."  

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

HE reminded me of my talk with D earlier that morning, as doubts had been creeping in about whether or not I was the right person for the job.  After all, I'm so young, well at least I "feel" like I am.  D assured me that age didn't matter, but Life experience did.  He reminded of why the blog is being followed, and read so much and that is because I write about my Life experiences, and share how HE gets me through each and every single test, trial and storm.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

“See to it that you complete the ministry you have received in the Lord.” Colossians 4:17

With my New purchases in hand I made my way to the register, of which I simply heard "Happy Birthday."  Tears began to well up in my eyes as I knew HE was speaking straight to my heart, in the most loving way, a way that specifically showed me just how much HE truly does love and care for me.  

Yesterday was a New day, a New beginning, a New breakthrough, for the New me who had been blessed with a New perspective, New vision, with New eyes, and a New heart so that I, Heather, HIS daughter could continue on this path, HIS plan, full of HIS purpose to be my purpose to LIVE this life that I have been given knowing that I'm made right through HIM, and because of that NOTHING NOT ONE thing can STOP what HE has planned for me to do. 

"The Lord of Heaven’s Armies has spoken—  who can change his plans?
When his hand is raised, who can stop him?” Isaiah 14:27
This morning I woke up feeling lighter, and more free.  I couldn't wait to journal my thoughts, and when I did, HE answered me in the most loving way that ONLY HE my loving FATHER in HEAVEN could.  As I poured my heart out about how it is my greatest hearts desire to be walking so closely to HIM, that there isn't anyway I would EVER miss a single word that HE speaks to my heart.    I praised HIM for being TRUSTWORTHY, and for FORGIVING me.  I praised HIM for loving me so perfectly, and for showing me that ALL I ever NEED to do is ask HIM, and HE will give me my hearts desire when it aligns according to HIS will.

" Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." Ephesians 1:11

"And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

The more I journaled, the more I felt HIS PEACE wash over me, and my breathing became lighter, and the sorrow, the sadness, the anger, the everything began to wash away.  The more I continued to seek HIM, the more all of the darkness that was clouding my vision, and my heart, was washed away by HIS blinding bright light.  HIS truth, HIS plan, HIS purpose for my life, were set before me once again, as HE spoke straight to my heart about what HIS plan for the New chapter would require of me.  

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations" Psalm 33:11

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

HE really blew me away in answering a thought I was pondering last night in a conversation with D.  It was based on a picture, a post of facebook.  A picture of a bench, over looking an ocean, the question was, "if you could spend an hour on this bench with someone alive or already passed who would it be?"  Immediately I thought of my sweet Sethie, but the more I thought about spending an hour with him, I knew that wouldn't be long enough.  The more I thought about it the more I knew that I would choose to spend that hour with JESUS, as sort  of a progress check.  

What I mean is, it would be extremely encouraging for me to know how HE thinks I'm doing with ALL that has been happening in my life.  Sometimes I long to understand to know, to SEE past the circumstances of my life.  Most definitely when it comes to grieving the loss of my precious little boy.  I could almost imagine us sitting there, me laying my head on HIS shoulder as the tears fell as I spilled my heart out to HIM about how ALL of this is affecting me.  

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;  he heard my cry for mercy." Psalm 116:1

"I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me." Psalm 120:1

I held tightly to that image as I began to think about Seth last night.  As you know yesterday was yet another Monday, and well to be honest, this Monday was different, as tears weren't flowing but an extreme amount of PEACE was felt.  I posted a picture on social media, with a love note to my sweet Sethie.  I told him that I am TRUSTING HIS plan, and that I was clinging to HIS promise that I would SEE him in my future where we would spend eternity together.  Afterwards I had yet another conversation with D about the days happenings, and went to sleep...... tearless...... and slept...... till 4am...... which for me is incredible.

"Hear my cry, O God;  listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you,  I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." Psalm 61:1-3

When I finished journaling this morning, HE spoke straight to my heart, that placed me on that bench right next to HIM.  HIS words spoke to deeply  to my heart this morning.

"Don't let your hurts cloud MY vision for you.  Hold tight to MY promises to you.  You my child have asked for a progress check, so here it is.  You, Heather NEED, MUST, FOCUS on MY LOVE for you. You NEED, MUST, FOCUS on MY word, soak in it, breathe it in, and LIVE it.  You NEED, MUST FOCUS on MY TRUTH as that is ALL that matters.  You NEED, MUST, FOCUS on MY light that will OVERCOME the Darkness that surrounds you.  You NEED, MUST, stay on MY PATH, by focusing on ONLY MY plan for your life.  You NEED, MUST, LIVE your life according to MY purpose for you.  Don't let your hurts keep you from ME.  Your hurts matter to ME, you, Heather matter to ME.  Remember that just as you matter, so do the people WHOM I have brought into your life to share MY love for them with.   When things seems to hard, or too much just remember MY grace is sufficient and will guide you every single step of the way."

Ahhhhhh I can breathe again, really truly breathe again, there it is right there.  HE knows how badly I am hurting by the things people do and say.  HE cares for my hurts, but doesn't want them to get in the way of HIS good works that HE is doing in me and through me.  HE is wanting me to keep my eyes focused on ONLY HIM, and know that HE promises to make ALL of the wrongs done unto me right in HIS timing, through HIS provision.  HE is giving me HIS perspective, my New perspective that no matter what happens in this life, it can't begin to compare to the GLORY that will be revealed when the time is right.  HE is wanting me to keep my EYES set on HIS GLORY, for my next life, of spending Eternity with HIM.

" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

The more I think about what that means for me, I can't wait to get to HEAVEN as I know a HUGE party is going to be thrown for me, as I NEVER gave up, and I NEVER gave in.  I NEVER stopped sharing HIS message of HOPE, and I NEVER stopped being HIS ambassador.  I am learning with each New test, trial, and storm that I, Heather am truly anchored in HIS hope, and the more the enemy realizes that the harder he comes at me.  The more I SEEK HIM and HIS truth, the more I SEE the lies the enemy tries to get me to ingest.  

"If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra;  you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him;  I will be with him in trouble,  I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:9-16

Today however, I'm throwing those lies right back at Satan and his minions, and I'm saying that I am NOT going to listen to anymore of his lies, that I the DAUGHTER OF THE KING, I am MADE RIGHT in CHRIST JESUS, and I have HIS power in me to REBUKE any and ALL lies that have ever been spoken to my heart.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

Today is a New day my brothers and sisters.  I pray today that you too will know that today is the day that you to can begin again.  I pray that if you are hurting you will know that HE cares for you, and wants you to experience HIS love as HE heals your hurts.  I pray today that my transparency in my writings will give you HOPE, inspiration, encouragement, and understanding that HE doesn't expect us to understand it all, all HE asks of each and everyone of us is to TRUST HIM.  I pray today that today is the start of the New You.

With love, grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

HE cares

Tonight I am filled with so much emotion from the happenings of the last eight months.  Emotions not only of losing my sweet little boy, but emotions from happenings since then.  Confrontations, conversations, all of which have brought me to a place of brokenness.  Tonight as I'm struggling to hold my head up.... I know HE'S speaking straight to my heart...... HE cares.

Yesterday I woke up with a HUGE heaviness on my heart as the realization that it will be a year without our sweet Sethie in just four short months.  The mark of the eighth month without him has brought me to my knees.  A desperate Mama's plea for relief.  Relief from this horrendous sadness, sorrow, anguish, and pain.  A plea for life to presume livable.... not unbearable.  A plea for this heaviness, this reality to NOT be true anymore.  A plea to wake up from this dream.... this horrible awful, heartbreaking, life altering dream...... that sadly, and most painfully is my reality.

Sitting in church this morning the message was spoken.... GOD forgave us, so we can forgive others. There it is right there..... forgiveness.  As the message continued I began to sink further down into my seat, as I could feel HIM speaking to my heart.  NOT wanting to be confronted on what I had been feeling, and facing lately, I "tried" my best to avoid, and "think" of anything other than what was being said.  To be honest, forgiveness isn't even on my radar right now, as I'm hurting so tremendously bad right now, that I can't imagine taking on anything else to my already overflowing, overwhelming plate of life.  To be completely transparent I was so incredibly angry, and well to put it bluntly... pissed that HE would ask me to forgive anyone who's offending me, or blatantly hurt me.  

UGH!!! I can't even type right now, as my blood is still boiling that I'm to forgive people who continue to hurt, and offend me...... I don't know why this comes as a shock to me..... this idea of forgiveness..... when in reality I've forgiven so many people for so many offenses, and yet when it comes to the loss of my precious little son Seth... well I'm just ALL out of GRACE.

There I said it, I admit.... I'm human, I Heather, am human just like everyone else, and in my humanness I struggle immensely with my sensitive feelings.  Being around people who don't, won't and just plain refuse to acknowledge my son, well honestly I avoid.... at ALL costs.  I know this is hard to hear, but I can tell you that when ALL you know is the unbearable, unfathomable pain that strikes your heart to it's core..... honestly it consumes you...... the pain, the anguish, ALL of it consumes you.

No matter how hard I try and keep my thoughts focused on HIS truth....... the harder the enemy attacks with his lies.... this makes my blood boil.   It is when I wave the white flag, and beg and plead for my suffering to end.  For my sweet little one year old to come back through our front door, smiling, laughing, playing as if no time has passed.  The darkness creeps up, and creeps in on me as reality strikes  that the one thing I'm longing and aching for WILL NEVER HAPPEN........ and leaves me in its dust, broken, shattered, leveled, and utterly heartbroken.

HIS truth is what I crave, need and plead for at every single moment of my life these days.  HE is all I need, and want in this life.  I am so desperate for relief, comfort, peace, and constant grace.  Needing HIM consumes me even more than this pain does, as I know the only relief I will ever find in any of this is found in HIM and HIS truth.

Today in the midst of my brokenness, and mess of tears, HE found me, HE spoke straight to my heart, and let me know that even though the world doesn't seem to care....... HE cares. As the tears fell violently down my face, I cried the the deepest part of my soul, right there in a room full of people, I broke down, and cried out all the bitterness, anger, resentment, and hurt that I had been keeping in.  Trying so hard to be BRAVE and keep it all together.... I fell apart, and came completely undone.  

If that wasn't enough, HE made sure that I heard HIM, as when I walked out into the lobby HE made sure I would have an encounter with my soul sister J.  Right there in the middle of the lobby surrounded my so many people, I proceeded to fall apart again.  Right there in the midst of my brokenness HE met me once again through her words.  

I left feeling horrible, embarrassed, angry, and exhausted that it felt as though HE was asking me to do the impossible at every single turn, on every single level.  I kept going over and over what HIS word says, and what I've learned on my journey of forgiveness thus far.  I felt like a complete hott mess, and failure that I couldn't forgive people for NOT understanding my pain, or my needs.... ugh stupid human emotions..... I silently prayed HE would take those away...and then recanted as I love my human emotions when it comes to LOVE.  Ugh.... feeling trapped in my thoughts as soon as we got home, I went upstairs and went to bed..... hoping and praying for clarity, for peace to know to understand how... how all of this is possible..... I closed my eyes and whispered, come LORD JESUS, please come.

I wish I could say that when I woke up I felt better, had more clarity, and felt ready to take on what HE was asking of me.  Sadly that wasn't even close to how I felt, and to be honest, the more I thought about what was being asked, the harder I cried.  This seemingly impossible journey, load, task whatever you want to call it.... was, is killing me.  

This is a journey that is hard.... painful, and downright unbearable... but because I believe HIS word to be true, I know that it's possible with HIM.  Today's writing is more of me sharing the ugliness that is within right now, the battle of my mind and heart, that HE has already won.  Today this is me sharing my raw bleeding aching heart that knows HIS peace is coming, and HIS grace is more than enough for me, that HE can handle whatever emotions, thoughts, or words I throw at HIM.  HE knows I'm angry, and HE wants me to know that in ALL of this HE'S crying with me, because HE loves me so very much, and HE cares far more for me than anyone else ever would, or ever could. 

Tonight I'm clinging to HIS promises that HE will make a way, HE will make this bearable, HE will heal me, HE is there, HE loves me, and HE has NEVER nor will HE EVER leave nor forsake me.  Tonight HE is meeting me in my brokenness, and for that I am thankful.  As tears fall I know HE catches every single one of them, and I know that tonight when I sleep HE will renew and restore my heart, soul, and mind, and HIS mercies will be new in the morning.  

This weekend has been extremely difficult...... I am broken, I am angry, I am hurt, and I am in NEED of my SAVIOR.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4


Seeking HIM in it ALL.... I ask for prayers for strength to continue to seek HIM in this journey of walking through grief.  

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

bus driver

I have reached a point in my life, in my walk with HIM, where I am standing up and saying that I am tired of being run over by the bus of life.  What I mean is, I'm tired of being a victim to the bus of life, that every time I turn around I'm being either thrown under the bus, or being run over by the bus.  So much in fact that for the past few weeks, HE's been preparing my heart and mind to get me ready to be a Bus Driver.

HIS Daily Teachings has been a culmination of teachings for the past few weeks, preparing me to know and understand what this means for my life.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how badly I have been hurt, am hurting, and will continue to hurt in my lifetime.  This however, does NOT mean that I can't still do HIS good works.  After all, it is because HE loves me that HE has been teaching, leading, and guiding me to know and understand that even during pain and affliction, I, Heather am in RIGHT STANDING with HIM, therefore I can think, act, and speak right because I, Heather have the RIGHTEOUSNESS OF CHRIST JESUS in me.

" God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21

Whew!!! Friends I don't know about you, but man that just really FIRES me up.  I must tell you when HE first placed this idea deep into my heart, I was terrified.  Terrified that somehow, if I were to continue doing HIS good works, that somehow I would forget about my son.  What I have realized, through HIS teachings is that Satan would LOVE NOTHING more than for me to think that my purpose in this life is to MOURN the loss of my precious son Seth.  Don't get me wrong this is a part of my calling, but friends, I must understand that my calling is far GREATER than just being in mourning!  Friends, my calling is to know and understand that I am TRULY BLESSED because I am mourning, and while I'm in mourning, no matter how long I'm mourning, HE is there, and HE is comforting me!!!!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Okay, so I know what your thinking, Blessed to Mourn, really???  I know, I struggled at first too, but what I can tell you is this.  When I first lost Seth, which will be eight months ago tomorrow.  I was devastated, leveled, shattered, destroyed, heartbroken, you name it, I was it.  However, the more I grew in mourning, the more I began to understand what it meant for me to be blessed to mourn, as I looked around, and met several people WHOM don't have HIM in their lives, who don't know where to find comfort, and honestly that broke my heart even more.  Because NOT only were they mourning the loss of their precious child, their hurt was ongoing, and unending, some for even over 30 years. 

The more I read blogs, stories, comments from people WHO have been in mourning for over half their lives, and felt that life was meaningless since their child left..... honestly a RIGHTEOUS ANGER began to grow from deep within me, and it was then and ONLY then that I realized that I, Heather, bereaved Mama to Seth have been called to DO HIS good works, so that I would be HIS ambassador to share HIS message of HOPE to those WHO are in Mourning that HE is there, and HE will comfort them, if and only when they choose to call on HIM.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

The more I walk in this journey of grief, I am learning that I, Heather, GET TO BE the face, the voice of a Mama's loss.that is ANCHORED in HIS HOPE through my FAITH and complete TRUST in HIM.    The further I get in my journey with HIM, I am learning that HE is equipping me to help other bereaved Mama's and honestly just women WHO are hurting in general.  So much in fact that ALL I have heard HIM speak straight to my heart for the past few weeks is, 

"NOW is the time, NOW is the time for you to put MY PLAN into action.  NO more talking about it, thinking about it, hiding from it, NOW is the time to do MY good works, as I have prepared for you to do so."

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

By now I'm sure your asking yourself, well what are HIS good works that HE'S calling you to do? Honestly friends, had HE NOT placed this on my heart two years ago, I would think I was going crazy, as I would have NEVER dreamed that HE would call me to do something in the midst of mourning the loss of my sweet precious son Seth.  For the past few weeks, HE has had me purchase several items that are KEY components to continuing HIS ministry in me and through me to reach HIS broken and lost children.  HE has been preparing me to open my home to broken and lost people, to come into my home, HIS precious gift to me, so that they may know and experience HIS great LOVE for them.  HE is preparing me to be HIS light in such a way, that even I am surprised, as I NEVER dreamed HE would ask anything like this of me, especially now.  

" But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

However, since I know HE is SOVEREIGN and HE directs my every single step, I know that because I am feeling unsure, and uncomfortable, then it is surely HIS calling for my life, as HE NEVER calls me to do something that is easy, much less comfortable.  In the next few weeks HE is having me open the doors to my home at least three days a week, for women to gather, in a place where they can be prayed for, prayed over, and lifted up to HIM no matter what they may be going through, or have gone through.  This ministry to what HE is leading me to has been given the name of "Cup of Grace."

"See to it that you complete the ministry you have received in the Lord." Colossians 4:17

HIS message to me today is LOUD and CLEAR that I, Heather am NOT here to just be, Mama, wife, friend, daughter, sister, neighbor....... NO my JOB here is to do HIS good works, by LOVING ALL of those people, including people WHO are most difficult to LOVE, as they are the ONES WHOM HE is going to use my story to reach.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12

Today I'm ALL in, I've decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back for me!  Today I am seeking HIM with ALL that I am, and allowing HIM to work in me and through me, to prepare me, to fill me with HIS word, HIS power so that I am able to do what it is that HE has called me to do.  Today HE has set a FIRE so deep down in my soul that it's time, time for me to FIGHT back to KICK the DEVIL in the teeth, and let him know that I'm NOT going down with this, my life is NOT over, NO it's just begun, and I'm NOT going to sit back, and allow myself to be RUN over by this bus anymore, NO I'm going to pick myself up, I'm going to stand, I'm going to DO what it is HE'S called me to do, no matter what the cost, no matter what I may lose, or have to give up, I know that HE  has something amazing planned for me, and I TRUST and know that HE is going to BLESS me in my obedience, and I know that HE is going to use me to be a world changer, and frankly that thought terrifies the devil!!!!

Today I am NOT afraid, I am NOT going to SHRINK BACK, I am NOT going to LIE DOWN anymore!!! Today I know HIS power is in me, the same power that ROSE JESUS from the dead that overcame death, and conquered the grave!!!!! HIS power is in me,and through HIM and with HIM HE is going to make me, create me, shape me, mold me to be A WOMAN OF GOD a STRONG, FIERCE, BRAVE, COURAGEOUS WOMAN OF GOD WHO will do HIS good works!!! Today I am applying ALL of HIS teachings from the past few months that have been HIS way of equipping me for this moment in my journey, that in order to do HIS good works, I must put my work boots on, and for me that also means that I must get ready to DRIVE THE BUS, as I have been called to BE THE BUS DRIVER!!!! 

It is within EVERY single fiber of my being that I want to BE THE WOMAN WHOM gets out of bed every single morning, and SATAN cringes, as he knows that I'm up, and I'm ready.  I've got my work boots on and I'm ready to BE the BUS DRIVER.  My greatest hearts desire is to be made RIGHT and NEW in HEART and in SPIRIT EVERY single morning with HIM.  I desire to have a clean heart about ALL things, and to ONLY SEE through HIS vision this world, and everything in it.  It is my desire to grow and learn EVERY single day what it means to truly be in this world, and NOT of it.  It is my desire to grow and know WHO HE is in my life, in ALL ways, and to acknowledge HIM in EVERY single area of my life.  It is my desire to NEVER forget WHOSE I am and to STAND FIRM that I am WHO I am, because of WHOSE I am, and that is HIS Daughter, the Daughter to the KING.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,  and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

" Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,   I pray today that you too will come to know that you are HIS, you matter, HE loves and cares for you deeply.  HE has amazing plans for your life, and if you too are mourning, hurting, or are in pain, HE is there, and HE is the ONLY source of comfort that you will EVER need.  I pray today that if you are caught in the trap of hangups, and hurts from others, that you will LET go, and LET HIM free you from the pit of lies that the enemy has been feeding you.  I pray today you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to work in you and through you, so that your TRUE PURPOSE will be revealed, as HE takes your greatest hurt, and turns it into HIS message through you.  I pray today that you too will STAND UP, STAND FIRM and say that you too will NO longer be a victim to the bus of life, and that with HIM and through HIM, you too will become a BUS DRIVER.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Always in love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Monday's tears........

Well today is Monday..... and it has found me in tears.  Tears of remembrance of my sweet little Seth.  Tears of agony as the pain of losing him, can't begin to compare to the pain of missing him.  Tears of anger, of feeling cheated, defeated, worn out, and wishing so badly that I were all cried out.  Tears of heartbreak as I realize that it is indeed Monday once again.... a mark, of another week of living in this world without my precious little boy.  

As I sit here, looking out at HIS creation, my mind drifts to where my son is, where a HUGE piece of my heart is.... tears fall as I can still hear his sweet little voice, and seeing his sweet little smile.  His blue eyes, oh how I miss those beautiful baby blues......... how I long, and ache to hold him.  

Bitterness as another Monday is here, and has me wrecked in memories.... bitterness that I'm still grieving.... anger knowing that no matter how hard I cry, scream, beg, or plead..... this is it.... feeling so incredibly heartbroken that memories are all I have to hold onto in this moment...... 

Tears..... angry tears pouring from my eyes, as I so desperately want to just be okay.... whatever that means.  Tears..... that somehow, someway HE will navigate me through this journey of grief...... angry as the only way through it is to walk....... wanting to desperately to be able to run, jump and leap to the other side.  To where pain and heartache don't exist, where my heart isn't broken anymore.

Tears.... angry tears that I have been called to live this life in this heartbreaking way..... angry tears knowing that I, nor will my family ever be the same.  Tears..... realizing that my plan, our families plan wasn't even close to HIS plan.  Tears..... knowing that I have been avoiding visiting my son's grave, as I can't even begin to fathom seeing that horrendous place again.

Tears...in remembrance of what should have been his 2nd birthday, D and I instead had to plan his celebration of life... on a day that should have been celebrating our precious little one turning two.  Tears.... in remembrance of sitting in that cold office, looking at books that were filled with ideas for funerals..... choosing a casket..... anger, bitter, biting, maddening tears....... tears in wanting to desperately for my memory to be erased of this pain.... yet terrified that if I no longer hurt, he'll be wiped from my memory..........

Tears in knowing that I couldn't possibly EVER forget him, yet grief.... grief tears you apart from the inside out.  Tears in knowing HIS promises and clinging to them...... trusting....... oh so desperately trusting........ as my life depends on it.  Tears.... as the very thought of taking even one step without HIM, terrifies me..... All in this moment.... these are the tears that fall......

Soon... however, HIS peace will flood me, HIS grace will be more than enough for me, and I will pick myself up, shift my focus back to here and now, and SEE HIS amazing creation, and this life that HE has blessed me with.  The BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT in my life is HIM.  HE is there for me every single step of the way, guiding my EVERY step.  It is HIS breath that is in my lungs, and HIS strength is what allows me to stand, to hold my head up to SEE HIS light.  HE is there, HE is SOVEREIGN, HE is FAITHFUL, and HE is helping me through each and every single step of this hard journey of walking through grief. 

Now realizing, that I have been called to do HIS good works.  I have been called to work through tremendously difficult and hard things, but knowing that HE has equipped me for ALL of it.  Realizing that it's time to put to work all that I learned at the Original Conference in moving past the wishing, means that I, Heather must put my work boots on and get to work.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Work, means HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life.  Knowing full well that HE has been speaking straight to my heart this morning, in letting me know that HE knows all about how I am feeling, and is and will ALWAYS be my comfort.  However, now it's time to get to work, and allow HIM to work in me and through me, so that I will continue down the path of ministry.  

"See to it that you complete the ministry you have received in the Lord.” Colossians 4:17

Today is a day of planning, and listening to HIM, as HE teaches, leads, and guides me to know which steps I am to take next.  HIS plans  for my life are amazing, as HE begins to reveal each and everyone to me.  I can honestly say that I am excited, elated, and also a bit apprehensive about ALL that HE is preparing me for, but I TRUST HIM, completely and I know HE is going to take me far in this endeavor.  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters today has started out rough, but just as HE promises, HE is making ALL things new, including my perspective.  It is my fervent prayer for you to know that FAITH isn't without tears sometimes, and TRUST is even harder especially when you've been hurt.  I pray that you will know that HE will NEVER leave you nor will HE EVER forsake you.  TRUST and know my dear friends, that HE has amazing plans for your life, even when you find yourself drowning in Monday's tears.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Always with love, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

setbacks.....

For the past few weeks an extreme heaviness has been felt in our home.  Heaviness as each new first is experienced without Seth.  Our hearts break all over again, as we go through each new first with the realization that forever in this lifetime we will be making new family memories without him.  It never fails that as soon as that realization hits..... I fall...... hard...... and flat...... on.my.face.

To be honest this past few weeks has been rough for me, as each of my children have begun to openly grieve the loss of their little brother.  Through their tears they have shared their anguish from their own realizations of what forever in this lifetime looks like for them.  My oldest said through tears the other day, "Mama he's not going to be at my wedding...... I'm going to have to tell my husband all about him..... and one day Mama I'm going to have to tell my children about their awesome uncle Seth that is waiting to meet them in Heaven."  This conversation leveled me as the tears streamed from her eyes, and I could feel her anguish in each of her words that she spoke.

For months D and I have struggled watching each of our children suffer immensely from lack of sleep.  Not because they weren't trying to sleep, but because they were so incredibly frightened to sleep.  For months we have prayed over them every night, and on the nights were they have actually slept.... they were met with terrifying nightmares.  Some of which relived the worst day of our lives, and torments of sights, sounds, and feelings from that day.  

I can tell you as their Mama I have never felt more helpless then to see the fear in their eyes as they relive these nightmares, and see the look of unbearable, unfathomable pain and anguish on each of their precious faces.  Never in my life have I struggled so much to keep it together, to be strong for each of them as they fall apart in mine and D's arms.  Never have I been so tested in my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that even though we are literally walking through hell right now, HE is, and will make ALL of this turn out for HIS good.  

I have struggled immensely with keeping my heart and mind right, as I have prayed so intently for HIM to keep my eyes focused on only him.  However, since I am totally human I have failed miserably each time that one of my precious four fall apart.  It never fails that no matter how strong I may be feeling on that particular day, as soon as the attacks begin on my children.... this Mama..... oh this Mama, comes completely undone.

That is until........ yesterday.  Yesterday was a life changing moment for me.  The night before I reached on out social media and asked for much needed prayer.  I pour my heart out of all the things that we were struggling with as a family, and with tears streaming down my face I typed, "LORD JESUS, please come."

"He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." Psalm 91:15

Feeling so completely depleted yesterday morning, I began to pray and ask for guidance, wisdom, and strength.  I watched Joyce Meyer preach about having a good attitude during trials, tests, and tribulations, and  prayed that I too could have a good attitude.  My best friend had spoken some hard truth to me that morning, and I knew it was HIS message sent specifically for me.  I prayed the entire day, that somehow, someway, I would just finally get it.  That somehow I would be able to surrender ALL of my fears, sorrow, anguish, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, and bitterness to HIM. 

"Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

"That, however, is not the way of life you learned  when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

I had just about given up ALL HOPE that HE was going to lead me to freedom when I had reached my breaking point, and slowly climbed our stairs to get ready for bed. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, I could feel HIM speaking straight to my heart.  It was in that very moment that I heard HIM say to me:

"I know how much you are hurting from losing Seth.  I know how much you are struggling from everything that you have gone through in the past.  Don't you know that Seth doesn't live in the past, HE lives with me, and with you in the FUTURE, he's waiting for you, with ME, in Eternity, and the ONLY way for you to get to there from where you are is to LIVE.  Live this life I have chosen for you.  Live this life to the fullest.  Live this life with TRUST for ME, that you know that I have amazing plans for your life.  Don't let the SETBACKS take precedence in your life, rather keep your eyes focused on MY truth that I am with you always.  Keep your eyes, heart, and mind focused on ME and what I have called you to do.  Open your heart, and eyes to this wonderful new little life I am sending to be with you.  TRUST ME, I have EVERYTHING worked out, I love you, I've got you... let go of the SETBACKS, and SEE ALL the good that I am doing in your life.  Move forward with GREAT EXPECTATIONS that I am doing a good work in you and through you.  TRUST ME and know that your mess WILL be your ministry.  ALL this is for MY purpose for you.  TRUST ME."

In hearing ALL that HE had said to me, it started to sink in as I began to soak in ALL of HIS words. I knew that it was indeed HIM, as it ALL aligned with HIS word, and it was in that very moment that I felt much needed relief wash over me. After an hour long conversation with my best friend, I climbed into bed and prayed. "LORD JESUS, I surrender..... ALL..... all pain, heartache, anguish, pain, animosity, resentment, bitterness, fear, sorrow, ALL of it..... I surrender LORD this is a burden that I can no longer carry.... LORD take all this heaviness off of me, and please LORD bless me with peaceful sleep. Bless me with much needed peaceful, uninterrupted sleep."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Today has been a new day entirely as I have now shifted my focus from setbacks to LIVING in the here and NOW.  HIS perspective has given me a renewed sense of confidence that HE loves me, and HE has a unique and amazing plan for my life  Today HE is filling me with HIS true confidence that NOT only did I survive the worst day of my life, I am surviving this living nightmare, and that HE is creating in me a NEW JOY that is changing this living nightmare to becoming  known as today I am living a truly Blessed LIFE.  

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today has been the first day in quite some time where I can truly SEE HIS plan and purpose for my life.  Today HE has placed the desire deep into my heart to grow HIS ministry in my life once again.  Today HE has taken me on a journey of preparation and planning to begin this next phase of my purpose.  Today HE has reminded me that I am FOREVER anchored in HIS HOPE, HE loves me, and HE CHOSE me to BE the woman that I am today.  Today I am SEEING this life that I have been given through a new set of lenses.  Through HIS eyes, I am SEEING HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life.  Today I am being made strong to know that I am LIVING this life the way that HE has always intended.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you." John 15:16

Today I feel like SHOUTING from the ROOFTOPS, I have decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back!!!! Today HE has set me FREE from the bondage's, and lies of the enemy that I will always been in tremendous pain, that I will NEVER escape.  Today I am LIVING in HIS truth that my precious one year old son Seth is waiting for me, and when my time on Earth here is through, I WILL meet him on the bridge into forever, and I will hold him oh, so tight, and know that I will NEVER EVER have to let him go.  Today "goodbye" is being made temporary,  when I think of FOREVER it is in terms of Eternity, and NOT this life.  Today I am letting go of the setbacks and focusing on HIM, and moving forward.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,  who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:3-9

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that you too will come to the understanding that HE doesn't want you to hurt from the setbacks in your own life.  I pray that you will know that HE NEVER intended for you to keep living in your past, and holding onto grudges, and hangups from wrongs that others have done to you.  I pray today that you will know that TRUE FREEDOM can ONLY be found in HIM, in HIS truth.  I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to speak HIS truth straight to your heart.  I pray today is the day that you too will refocus your eyes from setbacks to HIS promises, and start LIVING each day with moving forward in HIS plan, and HIS purpose for your life.

Always with love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather