out of the pit...........

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." 
 Psalm 40:2

For the past two weeks I've fallen deep into the pit of despair once again.  Starting on Friday June 12, when one of our most beloved Christian you tube, VOICE contestant singer Christina Grimmie's life was cut too short at the tender age of 22.  My heart broke instantly for her family, for the life altering change that they were enduring, and the trauma of losing someone so young.  As if my heart weren't aching enough, Sunday morning I woke to the news that 50 people lost their lives in  a senseless mass shooting at a popular gay nightclub in Orlando.  Once again my heart broke for the families of those who lost loved ones and who's lives were forever altered.  I dropped to my knees, and prayed for each and every parent, brother, sister, family member, lover, and friend of each of the precious souls that were lost.  I also prayed for the shooter's family, in both shootings, and the loss of their own children. My heart was immensely broken knowing full well that another family was having to endure this horrific journey of loss. 

On Monday I was wiped out from crying, as I tried desperately to focus on HIS goodness.  However Tuesday morning I woke to horrific news that a precious 2 year old named Lane Graves, was snatched at the Grand Floridian Resort at Walt Disney World by an alligator, while wading with his Daddy at the Seven Seas Lagoon.  Immediately tears fell from my broken and weary heart.  Prayers of tears flowed like streams and pooled at my feet as oceans.  As I cried for the boys parents, and older sister, and through my tears I began to relieve my grief and my sorrow took over and threw me right back into the pit of despair that we were in the moments of losing Seth.  I was consumed with RIGHTEOUS Anger for the trauma we endured in losing Seth, and the trauma that they too endured in losing their precious son Lane.

On the day that we lost Seth..... I quite literally lost my mind.  To this day I can't process things as easily as I once did, and yet I find myself with a much deeper understanding of WHO HE is, and how HE is the CREATOR of the HEAVENS and the Earth, and that means that no matter what plans I have for my life, or my families life, HIS WILL is what will be DONE.  Even if it means that my heart is going to break beyond all human comprehension..... and I won't be able to hold my head up anymore, and I will struggle to pray, instead I will groan in agony as I begin to face each and everyday after our devastating loss of our precious Seth Daniel.  

In feeling the need to be transparent, I can tell you that I've been so desperately broken in trying to pick up the pieces of my life, my children's live's and my marriage.  I have struggled immensely to do life with people, and have struggled to even leave my house to go anywhere I wouldn't be able to keep oblivious to this world that I am so desperately broken.

The truth is this world..... is so desperately broken, but yet continues to strive to "pretend" that life is really okay, and that even though bad things have happened, are happening and will happen HE is still good.  I will be the first to tell you that statement is TRUE, however being desperately broken, is so painfully unbearable, and the feeling of failure is immense when you know HE is with you, and yet the pain is so overwhelming.  It is in these times that I find myself deep in the pit of despair once again, because each and every step I take hurts, with a pain unimaginable, and all the while I'm clinging on to HIS HOPE by my fingernails, tears streaming down my face...... choosing to TRUST HIM..... knowing full well HE is the ONE WHO allowed my heart to be so tremendously broken.  

It is in the pit that the enemy, my enemy..... Satan attacks me....... and he doesn't let up..... not for even a breaths time.  When I am in the pit, my mind is flooded with thoughts of anger, anxiety, bitterness, jealousy, and hatred towards anyone and everyone who is living their lives.  Suddenly I'm bombarded by precious two, three, and four year old boys.  I'm constantly having my heart stab with with visions of all that we are missing out on.  When I am in the pit..... so are my children.... as they are the ones WHO are looking to me to guide them to HIM.... to LIVE out HIS HOPE for them.  To speak, and proclaim HIS promises for our families lives.  When we are all in the pit..... life is.......  horrendously unbearable.  Our relationships suffer, and our words, actions, and thoughts are everything but GODLY.

It pains me to know that I am responsible for these precious lives, and here I am wasting time being angry and allowing the enemy to knock me down and out.  This past week however, I reached up and out of the pit for help.  I cried out to HIM, and HE placed on my heart the people of WHOM I was to reach out to, HIS people WHOM HE has strategically placed in my life to SPEAK HIS truth to me.  Just today one of my soul-sisters spoke HIS truth to me about how HE will walk this journey with me, but HE won't walk it for me.  She lovingly reminding me that at some point in my journey of grief, as devastatingly hard as it is, I, Heather HIS WARRIOR MUST get up, PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and walk, FIGHT, and RUN with ENDURANCE.

Upon hearing this I knew she was right, however the very thought of walking through this pain, with this pain, and everything in between felt so daunting.  However if I've learned anything in the past almost two years of this journey of grieving and suffering is that HE promises to provide me comfort and rest when I can't stand anymore, however that doesn't mean that I will be allowed to NEVER walk again.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is reminding me that HE is with me ALWAYS, and that when I come to the end of myself, HE is there waiting for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE has been waiting for me to get out of my own way, so that I would be able to HEAR HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurting, and how much I so desperately fear being hurt EVER again...... HE knows..... and that is WHY HE is reaching down with HIS hand, and pulling me up OUT OF THE PIT.

I am thankful that HE loves me so much that HE won't allow me to remain in the pit for long before sending HIS messengers of HOPE to reach out, and SHINE HIS light for me to SEE, filling me with HIS reminders of WHOSE I am, and WHO HE IS in me.  I am thankful that I am living proof that with HIM, and through HIM you can rise up OUT of the PIT.  I am thankful for my life, my story, and for HIM giving me the amazing opportunity to advance HIS Kingdom in this broken and fallen world.

I still fully BELIEVE HIS promises that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and that in and through HIS TIMING I WILL BE brought back to my feet, to BE HIS LIGHT, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, a SPEAKER, and TEACHER of HIS WORD, a SHEPHERD to other grieving parents, just as HE has placed those people in my life, to SHEPHERD me to straight into HIS arms, to BE filled with HIS LOVE, STRENGTH, MERCY, GRACE, PEACE, HOPE, and LIGHT.

Today I read this quote on another grieving Mama's blog..... we will run like horses.... risking the ocean..... telling all the world about JESUS.  This my dear friends, is my prayer for not only my life, but yours as well.  I pray that we all will grow closer to HIM the more we are in HIS word, and seek HIM to SEE all that HE is doing in our lives.  I pray today that each of us will be a blessing to someone in need...... I pray that like me, you will know HIS light is in you, and it's your time to SHINE for JESUS.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

always, with love, grace, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

grieving with grace...

Its never been a challenge for me on whether or not I believe in GOD.... it has been a challenge for me in whether or not I believe GOD.  See here's the thing, grief........ challenges you in such a way that you couldn't possibly be prepared for.  Thankfully that's where HIS grace is essential, and well because HE loves us all so much, HE gives us an abundance of it.

For months now I've sat silently in my home, tears sometimes streaming down my face as each memory of life with Seth and reality of life without him becomes more real.  With each passing day I'm faced with the daunting task of moving forward..... towards accepting and embracing....... I struggle to even write that because how do I ever accept that losing Seth has always been a part of HIS plan?  Grief has left me in its dust, shattered, broken, angry, bitter, jealous..... and so desperately missing my sweet little Seth.

With each new day I wake up, I pray and ask, "will today be the day that I begin to heal?  Will today be the day that accepting and embracing won't hurt so much, and be so tremendously hard?  How LORD, how do I live this life?  How do I carry on with my life, forever changed after this unimaginable loss?"  As I sit with my sweet baby girl in my arms, I wonder how it is that I am to TRUST the ONE WHO loves me more than anyone else ever possibly could...... when after all that I have been through in my lifetime..... HE chose, HE allowed this heart wrenching loss in my life?  How could HE possibly break my heart so badly, level me, and challenge my FAITH at every level?  How will I ever be able to trust HIM again?

So they say there is fives stages of grief, and one of them being anger...... I hate that one..... ugh.... I cry at the thought of being angry anymore.  I cry because this life just says, "choose happiness...."  and yet at every turn reality is slammed in my face, and my heart is wrenched even further as I am taunted by what I won't have, and what I am missing out on.  UGH.... grief is exhausting, and if I am not careful, I can get lost in my emotions, and caught up in the enemies lies that are designed to destroy me.

Sometimes...... I cry.... I give in, I curse, I yell, and I shake my fist at GOD..... at people..... at life..... and when my tantrum is over..... I fall apart..... repenting, seeking forgiveness..... all the while placing another brick to the wall of self loathing.  It's a vicious cycle, one of which HE has been letting me know is NOT a part of HIS plan for my life, in reminding me that HE can take it, ALL of it, even when I am so angry, mad, and pissed off at HIM for wrecking my life, my children's lives, my husbands life, for wrecking, and leveling, and forever changing our family..... ALL of it HE can take..... and HE will until HIS grace covers EVERY single feeling of emotion with sorrow, sadness, pain, and loss is said, and felt.

Grieving with grace...... is something my therapist has been helping me understand.  Loving me, why because HE loves me.  Even when I'm angry, sad, upset, and screaming at HIM how much I HATE my life, and how could HE do this to me..... even when angry, bitter tears of betrayal, bitterness, and jealousy fall like rain as I drown in oceans of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE loves me, HE chooses me still.... in the midst of it all.

HE is wanting me to open my eyes and seek HIM so that I will SEE that HE is doing something new, HE has amazing plans for my life.  HE wants me to remember that HE hasn't forgotten me, or my family, HE'S there, HE'S in the details of it all.  Covering each of of us in HIS grace, shielding us, protecting us, and flooding us with HIS peace.  HE is there, weeping with us, catching every singleso badne of our tears.

HE is telling me that HE hears every single one of my cries for my children.  Tears that scream, "what about my child, why doesn't he/she matter?"  HE is telling me that just as HE loves me the more than anyone ever possibly would, or could, so does HE love each of them.  (I forget that..... I NEED to be reminded)

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how I lost my mind in the moment that I realized Seth was lifeless in his bed..... HE was there as I struggled to comprehend, and even utter a word..... HE was there as I screamed Seth's name over and over..... and cried for help.  HE was there flooding me with HIS peace so that I was able to dial 911 and give our address five times, only to be told they couldn't find us..... HE was there.  HE was there as I ran down the stairs screaming....."Oh my GOD, Oh my GOD Seth's dead..... he's dead......"  scaring my already frightened children.  (That is something that I have struggled to forgive myself about....scaring my sweet babies)

HE is telling me that HE knows the thoughts of regret that rush through my mind, as I try desperately to find the right formula where the outcome wouldn't be losing Seth.  The thoughts of "if only....." HIS grace covers those too, and lovingly and gently reminding me that HE is SOVEREIGN, and that no matter what I may have done sooner, or whatever.... the outcome would still be the same.

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much my heartaches every time I see brothers playing together, and hear of a precious little one turning two.... three..... and soon to be four..... HE'S there, and HE wants me to remember that.  HE wants me to be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows, HE cares, and HE isn't angry or upset, or frustrated, or mad, or any other thoughts of self loathing I have towards myself.

Today HIS Daily Teachings is simply this, "be gracious to yourself Dear Heart.... I am with you.... I will show you the way, lead you, and guide you through this life's challenges of grieving with grace.

My dear sweet friends, thank you so much for your continued prayers of support and love, and for faithfully reading my blog.  I pray that my journey will be a comfort for those who are hurting, that in the midst of your pain and suffering HE is there.  Reach out to HIM, and know that no matter how much you think you are failing HIS grace covers it all.

Always in love, and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Joy in the Heartache

Months....... of silence...... here on the blog........ my heart........ my mind......... peaceful...... restful..... but mostly fearful, fear filled, and fear fueled silence.......... until....... a faint familiar awakening deep inside my soul was felt.  After months of wondering.... crying....  praying.... that I would, or could ever hear from HIM again..... truthfully giving into pure defeat that I was shattered, broken, and would never, nor could I ever be the same again.  

A new attitude of I'm just going to survive each day the only way I know how, avoidance.  To which led to staying home from anything and everything.  Which led to not really living, but merely surviving even within the walls of my home.  Even within the walls of my heart...... afraid..... fearful to ever TRUST HIM fully with my heart ever again.

Until...... HE pursued my heart and mind so intently in the only way I could possibly hear HIM above the deafening silence of fear through HIS amazing blessing of songs.  Hearing HIM as I sat with my almost three month old precious daughter Joy listening to music to calm her, a song, one of which I had never heard before came on.  The lyrics spoke so deeply to my heart of a time where all I could so was beg and plead for HIM to do.

HIS Daily Teachings is simply me sharing my thoughts of my journey with HIM, through songs that HE has lovingly placed in my heart.  The first song being one I heard for the first time this morning.  Upon hearing it, I grabbed my new journal with a cover that reads "Life is short ENJOY the journey" and wrote what it meant to me.

"Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts 

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With everyone it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

LORD JESUS ~ from the moment of 4pm on October 13,2014 a part of me died.  A piece of me went to Heaven with  You.  My arms ached, my heart and soul bled..... I begged and pleaded and cried out to you desperately in sheer agony to PLEASE wake me up from this horrendously.... horrific.... unbearable..... living nightmare.  Slowly and surely in YOUR timing I was awoken by YOUR Joy in the Heartache.  Precious Joy Abigail has awoken a part of me that I thought had died.  YOU LORD have awoken me to this journey, by showing me the journey I've been on, showing me all the steps I have taken with you, all of which have been needed in order to continue this journey with you <3

"Let it Hurt"  by Rascal Flatts

So let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want, but it's what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do it's work
And let it hurt

LORD JESUS ~ after months of the most intense unimaginable heartache, and excruciating agony and pain...... a loss so unimaginable :'(  Months of missing... hurting.... longing..... NOTHING I did, or anything anyone said helped.... I learned I had to just let go... and let it hurt.... Through immense feelings of sorrow, sadness, pain, and pure agony..... the much needed at the time time blessing of numbness and shock began to wear off.... in letting go and letting it hurt, YOUR love, TRUE LOVE came in and rescued me <3

"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts

Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain 
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

LORD JESUS ~ the first few months I relived every single second of that day starting at 5:45 a.m. every single Monday.  Reliving the last moments with sweet Sethie.... every Monday my tears fell like rain, and pooled as oceans at my feet.  YOU were there LORD as I felt as though I were drowning in immense sorrow :'( never ever in my life had I felt more helpless, lost, broken as I was being tortured of the sounds, sights, and memories of that devastatingly tragic day.  Tortured as in my memory began to replay over in my mind all that happened... finding Seth.... screaming...... collapsing........ crying out to YOU..... OH GOD OH GOD... I know YOU cried in that moment as the rain was falling on my face right there in the driveway in the mud.... in the rain...... in my socks....... YOU sent YOUR loving arms to me in that next moment through the kindness of that female police officer even calling me Mama <3  Reliving the hardest most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to do was draining me, and when I couldn't do it anymore on my own, I let go and YOU moved in, and loving held me up as I began to take the much needed steps towards acceptance and embrace <3 The journey to acceptance and embrace came because of YOUR loving STEADFAST embrace <3

"Forever" by Rascal Flatts

Sometimes I get so mad, I scream, I swear at this
cause this isn't how we planned it.
I sit here in a cold room
prayin', waitin' on you,
to run back through that door,
to the way it was before
you left
LORD JESUS ~ it wasn't long enough..... our time.... my time being Seth's Mama here on Earth..... wasn't long enough..... how LORD?????  Violent, sorrow filled tears flooded my eyes each time I listened to these lyrics.  Staring at the walls of my office.... shattered..... how????? YOU LORD knew... YOU knew that though our time with Seth would be short, it would be memorable.  LORD I was so mad at you, I yelled at YOU, I cursed YOU, I shook my fist at YOU, I hid from YOU..... I hated you..... and through it all you LOVED me <3  YOU knew LORD, YOU knew the break through YOU had planned for me <3  YOU knew <3 I cling to my sweet memories of Seth, and I hold tight to YOUR promises that in the end we will all end up in forever <3 with YOU and our precious Seth Daniel <3

"I will not say goodbye"  by Danny Gokey


Sometimes your world just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping

I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
And I don't wanna feel better
And I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying,

If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
And I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

I will curse, I will pray, I will re-live everyday
I will show through the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye

LORD JESUS ~ only YOU LORD know and understand what this was like for me to go through these feelings.  Feelings of utter disbelief shock.... which eventually became anger after months of staring at the walls..... tears falling.... no longer caring to wipe them away...not wanting to feel better.... or forget anything..... even though it hurts like hell..... holding tight to every single memory.... even the worst of them..... time wasn't my friend... oh how I hated time.... oh how I hated a new day.... a new week..... I loathed Mondays.... I loathed happy people..... smiling people.... oblivious living people.... I hate this awful club.... I REFUSED to embrace or accept ANYTHING.  My heart was shattered into a gazillion pieces.... these days however through YOUR amazing grace, and endless peace I still remember with tears at times.... but more often with smiles and laughter because of WHO Seth is <3

"Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

LORD JESUS ~ always what I NEED right when I NEED it.  Live again.... breathe again.... my story isn't over... YOU LORD, this I know and TRUST have amazing plans for my life <3 My chapter with Seth has ended, but a new chapter of HOPE has be born..... a new life of JOY in the Heartache has begun <3

 It has been through my journey of letting go, and letting HIM lead me, in losing Seth, I have found HIS TRUE JOY in the Heartache <3

My dear sweet brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ it is my prayer today that my transparency in sharing with you my story, my journey will encourage you, and be LIVING proof to you of HIS Amazing GRACE, Unfailing LOVE, and Endless PEACE <3  I pray that if you are hurting you will have the courage to just look up, and know that even when you can't hold your head up, cry out to JESUS as HE truly does love and care for you <3

Always, in love and prayers,

Blessings,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather 

not my journey

This journey that I have been on with HIM.... has been one where I have been high on the mountain, and led back down into the valleys, the rivers, and streams, that have led me to the deepest ocean I have ever been in.  This ocean that I have come to know as my humble place, the place where HE reaches into the deepest part of me.  

Deep calls unto the deep..... I read that last week, a week that was FULL of darkness.  A week that leveled me once again, yet because of WHO HE is in me, HE has lifted me up and out of the pit of despair, and poured HIS unfailing LOVE, amazing GRACE, and perfect PEACE into me, to show me, to lead me, to guide me with HIS SOVEREIGN hand that NOT only am I going to survive this unthinkable..... unimaginable..... unfathomable....loss of my precious son Seth, I, Heather HIS PRINCESS WARRIOR, BELOVED, CHOSEN, BEAUTIFUL in HIS EYES, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS LIGHT SHINER, am going to conquer with HIM.  

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;all your waves and breakers
  have swept over me." Psalm 42:7
Deep calls unto the deep...... each and every single morning when I seek HIM, I find HIM, deep in the deepest part of me, speaking straight into my heart, HIS truth, HIS promises, HIS love for me.  HIS purpose, HIS plan, HIS calling for my life.  HIS mission has become my mission, and that mission is to know HIM even more than I already do.  To surrender fully to HIM, so that HE will renew, refine, transform, and redefine WHO I am in the world's eyes, because of WHOSE I am and this is HIS.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Deep calls unto the deep..... and even though HE pours HIS promises and truth into me every day, I forget..... I forget that there is another path that is out there, one that is full of anxiety, anger, despair, jealousy, bitterness, and comparison.  A path that runs almost identical to the ONE that HE has CHOSEN specifically for me.  I know this because this past week, has been another dark week in my journey.  One of which that has leveled me, and rocked me to my core  Made me question so much of HIS promises, and seek HIM even more that I have already done.  A path that I had accepted as part of my journey....... that is until...... HIS truth was revealed to me that this subtle movement, shift in my path, has actually been a premeditated plan to trap me set forth by my enemy.  HE let me know that I didn't SEE this trap set before me, because I have been doing the best that I can in dealing with the overwhelming feelings of loss in this horrendously hard journey of walking through grief.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

What started out as HIS message coming to me LOUD and what should have been clearly received yesterday, HE made sure that I would HEAR HIM LOUD and clear this morning at 3 a.m.   HIS message to me is simply this..... STOP...... STOP looking at everyone else's life, as their lives are NOT my journey.  Now I'll be honest when I first heard HIS message I was angry, bitter, and upset that it was so insensitive.  

For you to understand what I am saying, I should take you back into my day yesterday, and well really into what last week looked like for me.  Everywhere I went I was bombarded by sweet, adorable, precious, little ones.  Little one's who had mannerisms much like my sweet Sethie.  Whose hair might have looked like his, who said, "Mama" just as he did, who pointed their finger and said "look at that, what's that?"  to "look at me!!!"  I can tell you the more I encountered the harder I fell into the sorrow that was "trying" to overtake me.  I couldn't escape,and yesterday...... well between social media, and real life, in person encounters I had reached my breaking point.

D found me laying in our bed yesterday afternoon sobbing.  Concerned as to what had upset me so much, he asked me what was wrong.  I spilled out all of the bitterness, anger, jealously, and hatred I had towards anyone and everyone WHO was experiencing what we should have been.... could have been.... might have been..... had NOT our worst nightmare come true...... had our precious son Seth NOT been taken, and if only......... Sobbing, in agony of having to be happy for others seemed such a cruel punishment for my broken, shattered Mama heart.

" But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic." James 3:14-15

D looked right at me, and spoke the harshest TRUTH..... HIS TRUTH..... he said, "this is WHY you are in counseling.  Let your counselor help you deal with YOUR memories of Seth that wreck you, DON'T look at someone else's life and compare.  Don't let their lives become YOUR journey.   STOP focusing on what is NOT your journey."   To which I responded with even more tears, and feelings of nonacceptance to grieve the loss of our precious son.  I was angry with D, being another person who just didn't understand..... WHY LORD, WHY doesn't anyone understand how hard I am trying to accept and embrace this life, but these reminders.... these glimpses....... are breaking me even more... this world is cruel, harsh, and I hate it.... please JESUS please come back and rescue me from all of this suffering.  When LORD when will my time of suffering be over??????

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:50

"Look on my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law" Psalm 119:153

I went to bed last night feeling so incredibly defeated, feeling as if though I weighed a thousand pounds, treading water in this ocean of pain, sorrow, sadness, and anger.... the ocean that I dreaded. Tears fell silently as I prayed, LORD JESUS though I don't understand YOUR plan, I TRUST YOU LORD, please help me, please relieve this pain from my aching, shattered heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

After HIS loving message awakening the deepest part of me this morning, I now know that HE was preparing my heart to hear HIS next message to me as to what the next steps of my journey are to be. HE made sure that my heart was ready to hear that hard work that would be needed to be done on my part.  Through a guest speaker at our church today, HE let me know that in my life, this path, HIS plan, my journey is going to be filled with events that I am NOT going to be able to control.  However, HE is going to give me the tools, and resources so that I will be able to control my response to the events that are designed by HIM to build me even stronger, but that my enemy is hoping will destroy me.

" However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” the things God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9

The more I seek HIM, HIS will, HIS way, HIS plan for my life I know HE is building me stronger.  The more I soak in, meditate on, and breathe in HIS word, the more I am learning WHO I am, because I am understanding WHO HE is.  The harder I press in, lean into HIM, the more I am learning what HIS heart looks like, how HE loves, how HE helps me in my times of need, and just how amazing HIS grace truly is.  

"For Ezra had devoted himself to the study and observance of the Law of theLord, and to teaching its decrees and laws in Israel." Ezra 7:10

I can tell you that I only knew HIM a fraction of what I know HIM now before I lost my son.  Losing Seth has broken me, shattered my heart into a billion little pieces... and slowly but surely HE is restoring, repairing, renewing my heart.  HE is filling me with HIS promise that even though I will always have a hole in my heart in the shape of Seth, HE will expand and grow my heart to hold even more love than I could possibly imagine.  I know this to be true, as HE has been preparing my heart to love, care for, and train up HIS daughter Joy Abigail.  My daughter in this world.........another precious child to call mine.  

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court." Psalm 127:3-5

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27

I am overwhelmed by HIS amazing, unfailing, relentless LOVE for me.  I am astonished by HIS plans for my life, and the path that HE is taking me on.  I am thankful to know and SEE that someone else's life is NOT my journey.   I say that because I really love knowing, and learning with each time I seek HIM just how and WHY HE created me the way HE did.  I am thankful for HIM leading me straight to a wonderful Christian counselor who is helping me learn to cope with, and honor myself and HIM in my grief.  I am thankful for a diagnosis of PTSD as I know it's NOT a life sentence, but rather a challenge to be proactive, as even though I couldn't avoid the event that happened in my life to lead me there, I can CHOOSE to FIGHT, with ALL that I am as HE WHO IS IN ME IS FAR GREATER THAN he who is in this world.  I am thankful that even when I am too weary to walk, to hold my head up, HE is there.  HE is helping me every single step of the way.  HE is setting me back on HIS path HE has CHOSEN specifically for my life, and through each new step I am taking HE is sharpening my mind, to know to SEE ALL that HE is doing, has done, and will continue to do in my life.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Gone are my needs for acceptance of this world.  For people to fill me with HOPE, with peace, with happiness, as with each new step I am taking in FAITH with HIM I am learning even more WHO I am because HE is instilling me a GREAT CONFIDENCE of WHOSE I am.  I am thankful to know that when the sorrow comes, as it will, as I have been called to walk a horrendously hard journey.  I have had an enormous calling placed on my life to BE HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWER, HIS MESSENGER OF HOPE, HIS AMBASSADOR, even when it hurts like hell.  I am thankful to know that even on the days where sorrow is ALL I know and can SEE, HE promises to SHINE HIS light BRIGHT for me to SEE in the darkness, so I will know that even though I "feel" as if though I am ALONE, HIS promises to me are TRUE, and that is that HE WILL NEVER leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

" For Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” Romans 9:17

I am so incredibly grateful to know, declare, and SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that HE is MINE, HE is my LORD and SAVIOR, HE IS FAITHFUL, HE IS TRUSTWORTHY, HE IS my PEACE and calm in the waves of life, and with HIM, I CAN, and will walk this journey, as with HIM I can do ANYTHING.  I am thankful to know that NOTHING that happens to me, no matter what my life's circumstances may bring to me, NOTHING can SHAKE me, NOTHING can take me from HIM.... FOREVER, ETERNALLY.... words that I cling to..... words that I can't wait to HEAR and SEE spoken from HIS loving lips when I meet HIM face to face.

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.  With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh my dear friends,, it is my fervent prayer that if you too are suffering that you will open your heart to HIM and allow HIM to speak HIS truth into your heart that you are NOT alone.  I pray that if you are wondering how or WHY you are where you are right now, I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and that HE will show you where to walk, how to walk, as HE is pouring HIS strength, and HIS peace into you, and leading you with HIS amazing grace.  I pray that if you are feeling as if no one understands how hard your life has been, what you have been through, and what your struggles are, and have been, I pray that you will open your heart to HIM, and let HIS perfect peace flood your weary, aching heart.  I pray that you will come to know HIM, and SEE others a blessed, and when you do, you will SEE how you too are blessed, and that you will seek HIM and allow HIM to show you how someone else's life, though they may have what you want isn't your journey.  I pray that you will let go of bitterness, angry, and comparison, so that HE will show you what your own version of not my journey looks like.

Always with much love, grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

"The Highchair"

Saturday night I went to bed, soaked in tears, and drenched in sorrow.  Dread was all I could think about when it came to getting up on Sunday morning to go to church.  Dread as I didn't want to cry in front of anyone, I didn't want to feel this pain anymore and I most certainly didn't want to hear any more advice, or even talk about how I am doing.  I went to bed, pulled the covers up over my head, and hid with every intention of remaining that way for well..... the rest of my life really.....

As soon as I opened my eyes Sunday morning however, HIS message to me came in loud and clear.  Courage Dear Heart.  HE was letting me know that HE would be supplying me with ALL the strength and courage I was needing to LIVE through my day, and that all I had to do was TRUST HIM.  Well when your so deeply wounded that is far easier said than done.  However, since HE has proven HIMSELF to be TRUSTWORTHY more times than I can count, I knew that HE had some great waiting for me.  

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

" And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does." Psalm 145:13

Immediately I began Desperately Seeking JESUS, thirsting for the entire toolbox not just Sunday's tools, but ALL of my days tools, as I am so desperate to NOT have to live with, or in this pain anymore.  However, since HE knows me so well, HE stopped me in my tracks and let me know that the tools I would be receiving would only be for today, and that the rest would come on their appointed days.  Feeling frustrated, but also curious, I quickly got ready, and "tried" my best to prepare myself as to what it was that HE was going to teach me.  

"Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them." Proverbs 4:5

Walking into the Sanctuary at church there was a table on the stage, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what I was about to hear...... nothing short of HIS courage and strength that HE continued to pour into me.   Throughout the message my Pastor spoke, my heart began beating faster, and more alive that it had been in months.  My mind was being sharpened, and my rebellious spirit was being challenged.  I was coming alive, from the inside out.  

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." Galatians 5:16

I left church knowing that the message I had just heard was a life changing message, ONE of which I would NEVER forget.  I have four other messages heard from different Pastors that were life changing, game changers that have led me on the most amazing journey of TRUSTING and knowing HIM, HIS ways, and building, and creating a deep desire within me to be much more like HIM, and so much less about me. 

Yesterday's message however, was like air for me, so needed.  It was THE MESSAGE HE had been preparing my heart to hear.  NOT only to hear, but to meditate on, soak in, and press deep into, so that I would be transformed in my thinking so that I could BE WHO HE has always intended me to BE.  Yesterday as I looked at the table, HE took me through the timeline that it took me to go from one chair to the next.

Chair 1 ~ NOT FOLLOWING JESUS ~ In late summer of 2002 I was at the end of my rope in my marriage, my mothering, and living life.  Thoughts of suicide consumed me, but fear of scarring my children drove me even further into the pit of despair.  I was desperate for answers as to WHY I was still here, and WHY all the pain in my heart... none of it made any sense.  Until one Sunday morning, the day before D and I were going to file for a divorce together, as we didn't know what to do, or how to do anything separately, and all we had was debt, and two sweet precious little girls.  I will NEVER forget that Sunday the Sunday where JESUS made HIS presence known in my life, and my life would NEVER be the same.  Walking into the Lakeside Auditorium at Willow Creek Community Church, the life changing, game changer MESSAGE came in LOUD and CLEAR. "Lay your sorrows at JESUS' feet and HE will take them from you."  This led to a massive ugly cry from both D and I as we wept, and sobbed as neither one of us had EVER experienced anything like this before.

We went home that day with our precious two girls, and promised ourselves, each other, them and JESUS that we would give it our all to work through everything and if at the end of it, we couldn't make it work, then at least we could honestly say that we tried.  For the next nine months HE began a good work deep within each of us, and I arrogantly "thought" oh we're all better now, so why not have a baby?  After all, didn't we deserve some happiness? On February 14, 2003 I gifted D a positive pregnancy test.  When he opened his gift and saw the test, a sadness was seen throughout his face, and what I now know as anguish filled his eyes.  Heartbroken, I prayed that the LORD would soften his heart and show D was a blessing this was for us.  

Our pregnancy would only last a little past 10 weeks, where we would receive the devastating news that our precious little one was no longer with us.  Devastated I sobbed, I cried, I begged,I pleaded, as D sat there with relief washing over him.  I was angry, bitter, and felt so incredibly alone.  Then in May of 2003 Randy Travis sang his song Baptism at Willow, and something deep within me came alive.  A desire, a desire to know, to love, to be like JESUS. So on June 22, 2003 my 25th Birthday D and I gave our lives to CHRIST and were baptized with almost 800 other people in Willow Creek's Lake.  A day of which I WILL NEVER forget as when my life truly began.

I sat in chair 1 for 9 months before HE prepared my heart to take the journey, the next step to Chair 2.

Chair 2 ~ NEW BELIEVER, or as I we were called back then Baby Christians.  Just learning to walk, eager, and willing to DO whatever, whenever, we jumped into serving, loving and being a part of a community of fellow CHRIST FOLLOWERS.  D and I were on fire.  We were getting out of debt through the blessing of Willow Creek, and were expecting our 3rd daughter.  Life was good, and we were determined to make it great!  Shortly after our 3rd daughter was born, people began to tell D and I how we were missing out on the benefits of being home owners.  In forgetting to be LIKE HIM, we abandon all of which HE was doing and working within us, and set out to achieve the American Dream.  We prayed diligently...... however, we prayed ONLY for what we wanted, we pushed, we begged, we pleaded for HIM to please let us have what we wanted.  

Arrogantly when the door opened to us purchasing our "dream home" we jumped at the chance and were so easily and quickly led into one of the darkest times of our marriage and our families life.  A journey that would last 10 years before I would finally understand, grow, and know WHO HE is would lead to me understanding WHOSE I am, and WHO I was created to be.

I sat in chair 2 for 10 years before HE prepared my heart to take the journey, the next step to Chair 3.

Chair 3 ~ Mature Believer, I was ON FIRE.  My heart, my desire to know HIM, ALL of HIM, to be JUST like HIM blew up over night.  I began making time every single morning dedicated to HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on this journey towards wholeness.  I began speaking HIS word, reading HIS word, and LIVING HIS word.  HIS word was all consuming in my heart, soul, and mind.  I couldn't get enough of HIS word, I was thirsty, hungry, and inhaled as much as I could each and every day.  Thus this is when the blog was born.  I now know the significance of sitting in Chair 3 was to prepare me for the hardest part of my journey, the deepest most agonizingly painful loss I had ever experienced in my entire life.  I couldn't have possibly known that moving to Chair 3 and allowing myself to become teachable to take a seat at the table in Chair 4 would mean that I would suffer the unimaginable, unfathomable, unthinkable...... that it would mean I would have to give HIM back one of HIS precious children gifted to me, I would have to say goodbye forever in this lifetime to my precious son Seth. That HE would take me on a journey where I would be leveled, crushed, and shattered, and slowly because HE is SOOOO GOOD, HE would rebuild me, renew me, refine me, and restore me to BE WHO HE has always intended for me to be.  I now know and understand that this journey has always been about HIM, and NOT so much about me, and HIS mission for this world, and my part in HIS mission as HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWER.

I sat in chair 3 for 3 years before HE prepared my heart to take the journey, the next step to Chair 4.

Chair 4 ~ Leadership, is a scary, but exciting adventure.  A seed of thought planted in my heart two years ago, HE has been preparing my heart for this part of my journey with HIM.  Preparing me in ways that keep me in total and constant awe as to how I could live through, survive, and rebuild after such a massive loss.  How I could still be HIS light, and HIS ambassador as HIS living vessel WHOM HE would build strong to SPEAK, THINK, ACT, and LIVE out HIS word to be one of HIS bus drivers to show this world that even though bad things happen, our pasts do NOT define WHO HE IS, or WHOSE we are.  This journey has taught me that I am HIS, I am chosen, I am loved, I am safe, I have a place, and because of that, a deeply immense,intense desire has been created deep within me to BE more and more like HIM, and so much less and less about me.  This journey has led me to where I am now, and that is giving up my ways, my life my dreams, my hopes, my plans, to seek and know what HIS ways, HIS plans are for my life. As that is where my dreams will come true, as HE is the creator of my dreams. HE is where my HOPE is found, and I have made it this far only because I have remained anchored in HIS hope.  

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

" You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

So, while I am excited to be moving into Chair 4, HE opened my heart, ears, and mind to another chair that is away from the table, and that is "The Highchair."  Currently "The Highchair" in my life is my grief.  HE is letting me know that I allow myself to be led away from the table when my grief becomes all consuming, and all of my thoughts, words, and actions become more about me, and less about HIM.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

To be honest, this frustrates me as aren't I the one who is grieving?  Am I NOT the one who lost her precious little son?  Am I NOT Sethie's Mama?  Am I NOT the one who found my sweet precious little one lifeless in his bed?  Am I NOT the one dealing with the aftermath of the massive trauma our family endured that day, and for the past almost ten months?  Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this my life?  Am I NOT the one who is hurting, and so unbearably, unbelievably heartbroken? Am I NOT the one who receives so much "helpful" advice on a daily basis?  Am I NOT the one who deals with people being offended by the way I am grieving, and whom question and continually say they are worried that I am grieving too hard?  Am I NOT the one who deals with insensitive people whom don't even realize how painful that is for me? Am I NOT the one who is having to forgive people for not knowing what they are doing, and forgiving them so I can move forward, and not live in bitterness, anger, and rage?  Am I NOT the one WHO is being transformed, and renewed, in this exhausting journey of walking through grief ? Am I NOT that one?

HE is letting me know that the answer to ALL of that is YES, YES I am that one, however in it, through it all I must remember WHO HE is, and remember that ALL of this pain, sorrow, anguish, and tears serve a purpose, HIS purpose to teach me how to be HIS light, to show other's that even when it hurts, HE is still good.  To show them that even when the unthinkable happens HE is still good.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how badly I am hurting, and TRUST HIM that HE is with me always.  HE is wanting me to TRUST HIM with and in my pain, that HE has a plan, and it is amazing.  HE is telling me that HIS plan for my life doesn't include me staying in the grief forever, but rather to press through, work through, accept and embrace, cope with the pain, so that HE can expand and stretch my heart so that I will be able to BE WHO HE has always intended for me to be. 

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

This morning HE is letting me know that the ONLY way I can ensure that I will stay out of "The Highchair" is by keeping my eyes, ears, heart, and mind focused solely on HIM.  HE is telling me that this means I must choose to be led by HIS HOLY SPIRIT and NOT by the flesh.  HE is reminding that in choosing to be led by the flesh that is when I am led straight back into the pit of despair, and locked in my own prison with a key.  HE is telling me that in order to remain in my chair at HIS table, I must choose to be led by HIS spirit, and not by my flesh.  HE is wanting me to know that HE hasn't brought me this far to make my life all about me, but rather to sharpen my mind, and renew my spirit to make my life, to surrender my life to BE ALL about HIM.  

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," James 1:19

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

Looking back over the many years of my life with HIM, I can SEE through HIS vision where I have allowed, and how I have allowed myself to be placed in "The Highchair."  I can SEE why its taken me so long in this journey with HIM to get to where I am now.  I can SEE how and why I struggled for so long with PTSD the first time around.  I can SEE how I felt defeated the other day when the same diagnosis was placed upon me as I could remember how long it took me to get through that same diagnosis almost eleven years ago.  Ten years of heartache, pain, and struggle was daunting to me, and to have to go through that again, seemed impossible, and unbelievably unbearable.  However because HE is WHO HE says HE is, and I know that HE has been, is, and will continue to work deep within me.  I know that through HIM, and with HIM I am strong, I am much stronger than I was ALL those years ago.  I know that my mind is much sharper in being able to identify what is from HIM, and what is not.  Through soaking in, meditating on, and breathing in HIS word daily, HE is preparing me, preparing the way in to which I am to walk, to think, to breathe, to speak to act.  HIS way for me to LIVE, truly LIVE my life with HIS True Confidence, as I am walking in HIS True Freedom as I know and TRUST HIS word to be TRUE.  I know and understand as HE has proven to me time and again that HIS word is TRUTH!  I am no longer living in a prison without a key.  I am recovering so much faster from spin outs, and setbacks than I ever have before. 

" I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." Joshua 1:8

"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.  That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff  that the wind blows away.  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalm 1

Therefore I must choose to remember that the greatest way I can be led by HIS HOLY SPIRIT is to T.H.I.N.K. before I speak.  I must ask myself is it true, honest, inspiring, necessary, or kind?  I must choose to speak HIS words, words that breathe life, and NOT death.  I must choose to surrender ALL of me so that I will become more like HIM.  I know that through my surrender that is how HE will renew and sharpen my mind, and will avoid that trap that my enemy has set in placing me right back into "The Highchair."  

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that each time, each day you seek HIM, and HIS will and surrender yourself to HIM, that you will know that HE is giving you the tools that you need just for today.  I pray that you will know that with each new tool you are given for your own toolbox, that you will know that is HIM preparing you to move to the next chair.  I pray today that if you too are hurting, instead of lashing out in anger, despair, and anxiety, I pray you will give it all to HIM.  HE knows you are hurting, HE is holding you, HE wants to take it from you, and pour HIS living water into your aching and open wounds.  HE wants to bind them up and heal you, so that you too can walk with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE, as you too will be living in HIS TRUE FREEDOM.   I pray today that you will choose to live in HIS TRUE FREEDOM, and choose to forgo "The Highchair" your enemy has set to trap you.  

" You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

always in love, support, understanding, grace, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather