Cake and Roses.....

For much of my life I have had this longing for days of Cake and Roses.  What I mean is because for as long as I can remember each day of my life has been filled with tests, trials, and storms.  Some of which I didn't ask for, yet found myself in a Tsunami of pain, and Hurricane's of tears all designed to wipe me out.  At every turn, every year of my life I struggled, and when the glorious day came that I realized HE has been with me all along, I began to SEE HIS JOY in the midst of the pain, tests, trials, and storms.

Slowly HE began to build HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE in my heart, as HE planted HIS word so deep into my heart, that I soaked, and meditated in HIS word daily.  So much that HE grew strong roots of FAITH of which would BE my ANCHOR in the most devastating storm I would ever have to endure.  All of this because of how much HE loves me.  However, as I am human, my FAITH hasn't been enough, HIS promises haven't been enough for me, as all of this turmoil, strife, anguish, pain, and sorrow have left me begging.... pleading for HIM to please, please, please relieve me from any more tests, trials, or storms.  As if to say to HIM, "LORD please, why can't my life just be Cake and Roses?"  

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HIS Daily Teachings actually began this past Friday night as I was out with one of my dearest soul sisters.  It was during one of our more serious conversations that we began to talk about our struggles, and how I came to realize that being on the other side of my grief and agony, that I am now re-entering back into a  life full of stupid problems.  What I mean is, problems that don't break me, or shatter me in complete agony.  Problems that in the grand scheme, you know HIS Plan, won't really matter next year, or sometimes even a week from now.  So much in fact, that because I am human, I tend to lose sight, and forget WHO HE is, and WHOSE I am, and how though something may "seem" insurmountable, Nothing, NOTHING can begin to even compare to how excruciatingly painful it was for me to have to give Seth back to HIM.  Therefore, no matter what life may throw at me, what stupid problems I may encounter, the rest of my life would be "cake" compared to what I've already gone through, suffered, and survived.

In knowing this however, because I am a selfish, needy human.... aka.... slooooow learner I am left feeling, asking, wanting, and pleading for a life of Cake and Roses.  Because HE loves me HE is wanting me to understand that though I am dealing with my life's stupid problems, that aggravate me relentlessly, and endlessly.  HE is wanting me to remember, that it is HE that has gone before me, to walk this journey and there is a good plan for me to survive my life's aggravations and stupid problems.  HE is wanting me to understand that though I may not SEE it, HIS goodness is everywhere, and when I seek HIM I will be able to taste the Cake, and smell the Roses in my life.

Ahhhh there it is, my old friend.... humble pie..... yes eating a HUGE slice of it right now, as I come to realize that there is a REASON why HIS word is constantly replaying in my mind, my heart, and my soul.... TRUST IN THE LORD GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART.... LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.  YIKES!!!  This leaves me feeling foolish, and repentant as how often I allow myself to be caught of up in my life's lame and predictable stupid problems.... designed specifically to grow me strong in HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that even though the enemy "think's" it's what will finally draw me away from HIM, HE will use it for HIS good, and HE will teach, lead, and guide me to know and understand so I will be able to LIVE out HIS plans for my life.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,    and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

This relieves my weary achy heart, as the very thought of NOT doing what it is that HE wants me to do, and wondering where, how, and when I will ever understand, or put to work HIS word in my life, HE is filling me with HIS promises that HE is there, HE knows how much I struggle, HE knows how much I hurt, and HE is leading me up the mountain of TRUST in HIM and for HIM, that when I seek HIM with all my heart, love HIM enough to let go of my way, HE can, HE will, and HE does lead me to exactly where I need to be.  

Once again HE is reminding me that even though I may not understand, I was designed specifically on purpose for HIS purpose to be fierce, to be tenacious, to be determined, to NEVER GIVE UP, not because of self pride, but rather because HE has always intended for me to BE HIS LIGHT in this dark and broken world.  HE is reminding me once again that I was created on purpose to BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, that when all seems lost, in finding yourself shattered like you've never been before, and the life you once knew in a billion pieces on the floor, so full of tears that when you cry, your tears pool as oceans at your feet, and you literally feel completely engulfed in waves of sorrow.  HIS MESSAGE of HOPE is this, the sorrow, the pain, the agony.... HIS goodness will prevail.  ALL WILL BE FOR HIS GLORY, though unimaginable, unfathomable to you, and your weary, broken, shattered heart, HE will rebuild you, you will be rescued from the ocean, and brought to shore.

HE is wanting me to share HIS message through my story, that at 4pm on October 13, 2014 I was HIGH on the mountain of TRUST, and HEALING with HIM, when I was violently and viciously shoved off a cliff, finding myself falling into the deepest, darkest ocean of pure agony and hell surviving blow after blow.  Assault, after assault on my shattered weary heart, begging and pleading for relief... while the waves came crashing over my soul, crushing me to the point where I felt I would die at any moment from the hellish nightmare that had become my reality.  Finally after what seemed forever.... over two years later I found myself washed upon the shore.... battered, broken, and bruised.  Afraid, afraid to step, to speak, to pray, to ask, to seek.  Afraid of what would be asked of me if I stood up, with arms held high and heart abandoned.  Afraid of what was to come, and what would never be.  Afraid, all the while hearing HIM, pulling, tugging at my heart, to TRUST HIM.  Slowly, like a fawn learning to walk for the first time, HE lead me back to my feet.  Slowly I took baby steps, wiped out, fell flat on my face, cried out in agony once again, as learning to walk again was unbearable, and was one of the biggest assaults on my heart, as that meant I was moving away from the tragedy, the loss of my son, all leading to me living without my precious son Seth Daniel.  Steps that would break my heart, yet would strengthen my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that as long as I remember where I once was to where I am now, somehow, someway HE would help me, and I would be able to overcome living in the aftermath, and begin to THRIVE once again in my life.  Baby steps which lead me to the base of the mountain of TRUST where HE would ask of me once again, "TRUST ME DEAR HEART, TRUST ME AND KNOW THAT MY PLANS ARE SO GOOD FOR YOUR LIFE, AND TRUST ME THAT WHEN YOU HURT, I AM THERE, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AND ONE DAY ALL WILL BE REVEALED TO YOU.  TRUST ME DEAR HEART."  Baby steps up the mountain of TRUST for HIM, that even though I am now back in the land of the living, dealing with, and struggling through life's mundane stupid problems, (things that don't really matter, yet to me they do, because I am human) HE is there, and when I look hard enough, seek HIM, and HIS will, ask for HIS vision, I will SEE the cake and roses that are waiting for me to enjoy.  

All of this my dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS is HIS JOY in Heartache that is of my life.  Today my dear friends, I pray that if you too are struggling with immense sadness, sorrow, agony, anguish, and pain, I pray that you will be able to seek HIM to ask for HIS peace,and that you will be so flooded with HIS peace, that for one moment the assaults on your own weary, achy, shattered hearts will cease.  I pray today that my story, as HIS living testament will be that though right now your life's problems seem insurmountable, unimaginable, and unfathomable, I pray that you will know that HE is working everything out for your good.  I also wanted to say that I in no way am saying that missing my son has gotten any easier, it will NEVER be easier, I'm just learning to live with this excruciating pain.  I am learning to manage through the struggles life brings, and the struggle that I face daily in seeking HIM to help me be honoring in my grief.  I pray that you will understand that even though we have HIM, it doesn't make us exempt from the pain, however because of how much HE loves us, HE will gives us what we need to get through to the next moment.  I pray that today is the start of your baby steps, that HE will lead you back to your feet.  And as always my sweet friends, please know that loss is loss, and no one can tell you how to grieve, so grieve dear ones, grieve, trust and know, that one day HIS promise will be TRUE for our lives that there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain.

Always with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

when I don't understand........

For the past few weeks I've struggled with coming to terms that my broken heart has always been a part of HIS plan.  I've struggled to understand how HE has stayed true to HIS promises to me.  I've struggled to SEE HIS goodness in the aftermath of our shattered lives.  I've struggled to accept that this relentless ache that I feel is something I will live with for the rest of my life.  I've struggled with the truth that my son, my sweet little Seth is gone.  I've tried so hard to accept that he is in HEAVEN, but the truth is..... I just don't understand.  I'll never understand, and not being able to understand has left me so full of things left unsaid, that I want so much to tell my son, to experience with him, and each time another reminder of losing him hits me, it leaves me breathless as I've survived yet another assault on my heart.  

Last week was full of assaults on my broken weary heart.  Leaving me so worn out, that I was bedridden at the beginning of this week.  Everywhere I went I was bombarded with constant reminders of what I've lost, and will never have again.  I struggled to swallow my tears, to keep things in perspective.  To seek JOY, to BE full of HIS HOPE.  So much I exhausted myself, and by the end of the week I had come completely undone.  In coming undone, I was devastated, and upset with myself as to why couldn't I just get a grip......why couldn't I just accept. A thought that seems so absurd, but let me tell you when you go through your heart being shattered, and then survive continual assaults on your heart, it leaves you breathless, and begging for relief.  

Surviving finding Seth.... surviving the traumatic events of that day..... surviving being told "I'm so sorry we did everything we could to save your son."  Those words... forever tear right through my weary achy heart.  Surviving the few moments we were given to see our son for the final time before leaving him with strangers.   Surviving kissing his sweet little hands, and rubbing his cute little chubby feet.   One last glance, one more kiss, one more, oh Sethie, please please please come back.  Surviving walking out of that room forever changed.  Surviving the deafening silent ride home, to where we would have to tell Seth's siblings, his 3 other mama's and big bruver Ikik..... the moment I stepped out of our truck, seeing the front steps of our home, Surviving our oldest saying, "Seth oh Mama please please please NOOOOOoooooooo...  her voice breaking, as her heart shattered right before me.  Surviving collapsing into my mother in laws arms...... tears of hellish anguish and agony poured from my eyes, my heart, my everything, "my baby oh GOD my baby..... not my baby.... my Sethie...."  Surviving each moment we opened the door to our home to let someone in who had been HEAVEN sent to be with us in those unfathomable moments.  Surviving calling my best friend to tell her my son died..... to her responding... "what?  wait..... what... what.......?"  Surviving climbing the stairs to our home, making the long walk down our hallway.... one that was full of panic, and tragedy, just 8 hours before.  Surviving our first night without Seth............I remember looking out our window all night long, staring at the streetlight, wondering GOD where in the HELL are you?  I just don't understand..... why.... how..... OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD..... the tears pouring from my soul, crying with the deepest groans of pure anguish I've ever known.  Surviving.... that is what I have been doing since the worst day of my life that began at 4pm on Monday October 13, 2014.

As I sit here typing that all out, it hits me all over again just how much I haven't thought about that day.  Mostly in fear of the emotions that will erupt from me, fearful that I will start crying again.... that endless, relentless agony so full of sorrow, that I will find myself deep in the ocean of pain, sorrow, and anguish.  Fearful that I won't be able to stop crying, and that I will be stuck again.   Avoidance of my grief, is something I've "tried" to do, but it never fails as the harder I "try" to swallow the emotions building within me, I fall apart.  I fall apart no matter where I am, mostly I fall apart in my car, at stoplights.  I cry so much at stoplights that I began to pray, "LORD please, let me get through this drive without crying."  Last night I pray that very prayer, and foolishly I "thought" I was actually going to make it through one drive without crying, that is until...... a song came on that I had never heard before.....and it wrecked me.  Left me sobbing, breathless, and completely at the end of myself, and I fell hard into HIS arms.

Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott spoke deep into my heart, a promise, a message that I needed to remember in this journey of oceans, shores, cliffs, and mountains.  

"I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear... So I followed through, somehow I ended up here..... I don't wanna think, I may never understand..... that my broken heart is a part of your plan.... when I try to pray, all I've got is hurt, and these four words..... THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE."

This song speaks the words that I've struggled with so much, and what HE is wanting me to remember, HIS promises to me, and all I need to remember as I'm struggling when I don't understand.

HE is reminding me that HE hears my cries, HE SEES my tears cover my face, as each memory streams from my eyes.  HE knows the betrayal that I feel from HIM asking so big of me, to let go, let go of Seth.... HIS son, HIS child that HE entrusted to me for such a short time, but then.... called him home.  Oh how I struggle to understand how..... why that would be a part of HIS plan.  I've struggled immensely with accepting and embracing, and HE is letting me know that HE knew I would , and that HE has a plan, and it's good, and one day I will understand, but for now, right now in this very moment where the river of pain runs so deep into my soul, HE is wanting me to remember, soak in, meditate on, and press deep into that I need NOT to lean on my own understanding of how, or why, or when, but rather TRUST HIM, and know that HE will reveal what I need to know in HIS timing, as HE is SOVEREIGN.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I've struggled with knowing HIS word, and then falling flat on my face as I "try" and live it with this unimaginable heartbreak.  HE is telling me that HE SEES me and hears me, and HE knows my heart.  HE knows that whenever I hear someone say, "oh GOD needed him more....."  oh how those words make my blood boil, as it is the most absurd thing anyone could say to a grieving Mama.  HE knows how much in my own tiny, human understanding I "think" that there is no better place for Seth to be than with his Mama, but because HE is SOVEREIGN, HE knew more, knows more, and loves both Seth and I more than I can even fathom or even begin to understand. 

HE is wanting me to know that HE is right there in the middle of my cries as I "try" so hard to understand why I must endure more assaults on my weary, broken heart.  Why it is that this world doesn't SEE me, SEE the pain I'm in, like didn't they know, "Seth Daniel Foote age 1 year died on October 13, 2014 and his mama Heather Foote age 36 found him lifeless, and in those moments that she realized her son was lifeless, as she placed her hands on his chest and knew he was gone, that when she realized his heart had stopped beating, the very first assault on hers would begin. Seth's heart had stopped beating, and Heather's kept on beating, but in a foreign way that she would forever struggle to understand how or why."  All of those thoughts leave me, full of immense sorrow, pain, and pressure to BE how the world tells me to be.... to get over, get through, move on..... all the assaults on my heart.... how is it LORD that people don't SEE.... oh how I don't understand.

I am slowly making my way through my 38th year, and soon will be 39, and all I can think is.... 3 years...... 3 long, agonizing years of assaults, on my weary achy heart, as I try as I might, I still fall apart, don't understand, and feel like a HUGE burden to those who love me, and who have been there for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much of a burden I feel like to those around me, and wants me to know that HE is still doing a good work in me, and it's okay to fall apart, it's okay to cry, it's okay to not understand, as it keeps me falling deep into HIS arms, as I sob deep into HIS chest.   HE is letting me know that in the moments that I am soaring through life, HE is there, and HE is beaming with pride, as all HE wants is for me to feel loved, wanted, and cherished.  HE is reminding me of those moments, so when the darkness tries to hide HIM from me, I will be able to see HIS light, a glimmer of HOPE that though deep sorrow is being felt once again, HE is there, HE is making a way, a path for me to walk, and HE goes before me and knows what I will face next.

HE is telling me that when I don't understand HE is there to fill me with HIS peace as HE works in me and through me, through my struggles so that in HIS timing I will be able to understand.  Until then, all HE asks of me is to remember THY WILL BE DONE.

"He pulled away from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed, “Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?” At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. He prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face." Luke 22:42 The Message Bible

My Dear Brothers, and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray right now if your heart is aching, and you can't SEE past the pain, I pray that you will know that HE hears you, and HE is there for you, waiting for you to fall deep into HIS arms, and sob deeply into HIS chest, even if not falling into HIS arms, but rather screaming at HIM, asking HIM why, and where the hell are you?  Do it, HE can take it, HE's bigger than the pain that your feeling, and wants to soothe your weary achy hearts with HIS endless peace, amazing grace, and unfailing, unconditional love.  I pray that you will SEE my story, my life, as HIS living testament that it is possible to BE HIS follower, and still struggle with doubts, question HIM, scream at HIM and struggle trust in HIM, and live boldly for HIM.  I pray that you will SEE throughout my blog that I am a work in progress because HE loves me, and HE loves me enough that HE gives me enough courage to write about the tragedies and triumphs I've experienced in my life.  I pray right now that if you are feeling lost, lonely, broken, or a heavy burden to those around you, I pray that you will feel HIS arms wrapped tightly around you, and that you will be flooded with HIS peace, as HE drenches you in HIS grace.

always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

waking up.....

I could still feel him in my arms, as the tears seeped to the corner of my eyes.  This past week was the first time since Seth went HOME to JESUS that I would SEE him, hear him, and hold him.   The dream started out like any other, random, and filled with people I didn't really know.  One minute I was in a room full of strange people, and the next I stepped into a familiar place, although I didn't recognize it as having been there before.  I stepped into the next room and there he was.  I looked right at him, and said "Hi Seth."  I scooped him into my arms, as he snuggled his sweet little face into my chest.  In the next moment the glorious sound of his sweet sing songy voice rang through.... "Hi Mama."  Sadly as soon as I heard him, I opened my eyes.  It felt as though I was still holding him, only to realize it was just my pillow. 

For the past week I've wished, prayed, and hoped that HE would give me another dream filled with HOPE and PROMISE that HE is there, and that I would SEE Seth again.  Night after night, I prayed, please let me SEE Seth again, and with each night passing, I became more saddened that I wasn't SEEING him.  That is until today that I realized that much like waking up from my dream of Seth, HE has brought me to the other side of grief.  In a sense I am waking up.

Waking up from the most horrific nightmare I've ever had.... only to open my eyes each day knowing full well that I would have to endure another day without my son.  Knowing that pain, sadness, sorrow, and anguish was to not only be my present, but surely my future. Pain leaving me so weary and desperate for relief from the tremendous grief that poured out of me for my son, that it was all I could manage to cling by my fingernails to HIS promise that one day.... somehow, HIS way I would wake up.... I would SEE color again.  Wanting so desperately to BELIEVE HIM, but too afraid to TRUST fully, as anything was possible with HIM, but that could go either way.  Either HE could bless me immensely with healing, and recovery, or......  the unthinkable.... unimaginable....... indescribable..... happening again..... a thought so terrifying that I didn't dare say anything out loud, as my fear was growing stronger and  stronger.  

In waking up I can tell you that though the pain.... the gigantic hole in my heart is most definitely still there, it has lessened.  Two years ago I would have punched someone in the face if they told me that over time, in HIS timing my pain would lessen.  Words that assaulted me to my core as to how in the world could I ever, would I ever not feel the overwhelming pain and loss of my sweet Seth Daniel.  I can tell you that though the road hasn't been easy, waking up has been so refreshing to my weary soul.  Not crying daily, but rather in moments, not the entire day, or even if the entire day, not days at a time.   Moments of grief pouring from my eyes, and pooling as oceans at my feet, as a mere wave washing over me.  Grief washing over me, but not crushing me, knocking me down, or paralyzing me.  Things that I have prayed for from the first moment I realized that Seth was really gone... he wasn't coming back.... and the one whom I trusted with my whole heart..... shattered it.... and crushed it to the point where I came completely undone, and to the end of myself, where all I could do was cling to the very essence of HIM.  HE was my everything, and HE took it all, my anger, my rage, my hateful hate filled, hate fueled words.  HE held me tighter, as I wrestled even harder with HIM, and HE loved me more and more, and in a deeper way that I could have ever imagined.

In waking up I am seeing color once again.  What I mean is my world isn't foggy, or black and white.  For that I am thankful, as living in a world without color was draining.  Or if by some miracle I saw a glimpse of color it seemed so foreign to me, that I fought it, and felt so guilty for even wanting a second glance.  Concepts that in my head I knew were absurd... but my heart..... had been terribly brutalized over and over to the point where I begged HIM to take me.  Not that I would give up willingly.... my way.... but rather if it was HIS way....then surely HE would relieve me... rescue me..... save me...... from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.

In waking up I am able to look back on these past two years and SEE HIM and ALL that HE has done for me, with me, to me, and through me.  I know without a doubt that I couldn't have survived losing my son without HIM.  I know that it has been only through my FAITH in HIM, that HE was, is, and always will BE everything that I am needing.  I struggled to TRUST HIM... I doubted HIM, yet I clung to HIM.... desperate as the thought of letting go terrified me more than hanging on for whatever was to come next..... even if it would shatter my heart all over again.

In waking up I've come to know, trust and truly BELIEVE that HE is indeed a GOOD GOOD FATHER, because it is MOST DEFINITELY WHO HE IS.  I know that I am deeply, unconditionally loved by HIM, because it's WHO I am, because I know WHOSE I am.  In losing my son, I entered into an unfathomable nightmare..... off the steepest cliff.... plunging into the deepest, darkest ocean.... where the waves crushed me to the point of all I could do was pray for strength to ask for more strength.  To finally be washed ashore..... yet dragging myself onto land..... following a stream of HIS living water.... as it soothed my weary... achy.... soul.  All to be brought to the base of the mountain of TRUST.... where slowly... step by step HE is leading me on HIS path, that is HIS way, for HIS purpose.  I know HIM, I BELIEVE HIM, I TRUST HIM fully and completely, and I no longer shake in fear, as my FAITH in HIM is louder than any fear that is in me.  I know that HE WHO is in me is most definitely greater than he who is of this world.  

"You are from God, little children, and have conquered them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Today I am overwhelmingly blessed to realize and know that through HIS amazing, unfailing, unshakable love, I have survived, and with HIM I will THRIVE. I will soar with HIM in this life, because that is HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life. I will accomplish, and do great things in HIS honor, in HIS name ALL for HIS glory BECAUSE that is WHO I was created to be, and what I was created to do. Today I am thankful that I have been CHOSEN by HIM, to know and understand that HE heard my cries, and has answered my prayers by gently nudging me in telling me "Open your eyes Dear Heart, I'M here, it's time to wake up, you did it, I love you, and hold tight as the adventure of your new begging is here. Welcome back Dear Heart, I love you."

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that in sharing my struggles, and my pain, you will get a glimpse of WHO HE is.  I pray that a spark will ignite deep into your heart to seek HIM, so that you will come to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  I pray that you know that there isn't a right way or a wrong way when it comes to opening the door of your hurting, wounded heart.  I pray that you will take a chance in choosing to BELIEVE that HE is most definitely worth the risk.  Take a chance my dear friends, take a chance, a leap of FAITH and let HIM, let HIS love lead you, rescue you, and renew you.  I pray that when you do, you will SEE that it is HIM waking you up from your own living nightmare.

Always, in love, with so much compassion and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

when grief speaks

I remember being ten years old, and swinging on our disc swing.  In the challenge to be daring, I remember pumping my legs as hard as I could so I would go higher.  Round and round I spun on the disc, and I remember feeling so free, so empowered, so ALIVE, that is until....... the next thing I would remember would be lying flat on my back, gasping, struggling to breathe.  It was in the next moment that I remember my Dad racing towards me, and scooping me up off the ground and cradling me in his strong arms.  Softly he spoke to me, "its okay, you're alright, I'm here, I've got you.  You fell off the disc swing, and got the wind knocked out of you, just breathe Heather, just breathe."

Last week while feeling apprehensive about the impending Christmas Season I felt so weak.  I had cried out to HIM days earlier..... how.... why???? when will celebrating feel right again?  I was feeling completely and totally dismayed by the lack of HIM NOT answering me.... that is until........... HE met me right where I was and completely blew me away with HIS powerful, and mighty UNFAILING love.

Through HIS blessed gift of my most recent memory of my earthly dad holding me, and telling me he was there, it was HIS loving reminder that HE is there, and that just as I had the wind knocked out of me on that day, the gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart shattering, life altering pain, sorrow, and anguish that would implode my family.... the love of my life.....  my precious five.... and would steal the very life, and light, our precious Seth away from us with only a mere few feet away.  

Thinking back to that day.... how it started out with empowered confidence, feeling so ALIVE, and daring.... seeking, THRILLED to BE HIS, I was ALL IN.... and I was ON FIRE, and was willing to do whatever, whenever, no matter what...... soaring, flying higher into HIS arms, feeling the earth leave my feet, and well quite honestly the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.... and even greater than that, the most peaceful I had ever known. 

Then.... 4pm October 13, 2014 happened, and the soaring, flying, feeling ALIVE came to a crashing halt, as I was shoved off the highest cliff I have ever known, and plunged deep into the ocean of anguish so hard that I hit the bottom where all I could feel was the crushing weight of pain, so indescribable, that I couldn't even speak.  I couldn't even cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything, but that didn't matter because without even knowing I began to cry out the deepest guttural groans of agony in desperate pleas...... "please help me.... oh GOD please help me, my son..... my son......  mmmmmy son.

It was then that I remember collapsing in my driveway, flat on my face in the mud, rain, and in my white socks.  Looking up at the Heavens as the rain beat down on my face..... my voice completely gone.... I screamed from deep within, "WHY GOD, OH GOD, OH PLEASE.... NO NOT MY SETH... PLEASE NOT SETH...."  The next few hours would be a blur..... until D and I found ourselves sitting in that "family room"...... the words... every parents can't even begin to think about it nightmare..... "I am so sorry... we did everything, we couldn't save your son."

Falling........... clinging...... desperate for relief..... crying for days, weeks, and almost an entire year.  Tears of the most immense sorrow I have ever known.  Pain so excrutiating I felt I would surely die from.  Anger that would explode out of me, causing me to flee.... run.... hide..... delete... unfriend.....that became the absence of me.... to those who love me, know me, pray for me, care for me..... who once knew me.... the me.... Heather..... before grief.... before loss..... before..... oh how I longed for before.

Finally when I couldn't take being angry or jealous any longer I fell to my knees in desperate please for HIM to please take this all from me.  I pleaded and begged HIM to spare me of anymore pain, sorrow, or anguish.  I came to the end of myself, and allowed HIM to speak into my heart once again.  In doing so HE began to reveal the next chapter... phase to this  part of my life known as grief.

I wish I could say that whenever HE speaks to me, I listen, and I remember what HE teaches me, and then, well everything goes according to HIS word.  HA!  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You see, HE lets me know that just because I hear HIM, and I "think" I understand what I am to do..... when it comes to actually applying what HE teaches me to my life..... well  as I have already established a million times over... I, Heather am indeed a sloooooooow learner.   Much to my dismay, as I am tired... have been, am, and probably always will be of living a hard life..... a "normal" hard life is hard enough...... but adding grief into the mix, when grief speaks.... ugh.... it's unbearable.

On Christmas Eve my brother called me, and I was in a very foul mood.  Stupid, happy, joyous, joy filled, festive, oh Merry Merry Christmas nightmare people were EVERYWHERE.  Happy festive Have a Holly Jolly Christmas songs played, everywhere I went.  If that all wasn't enough.... EVERYWHERE I looked little boys..... blond hair, blue eyes.... sweet little faces..... everywhere...... and everywhere I went tears fell, as grief began to take over my entire life once again.  All I can say is my poor, sweet, caring, meant well brother.... well he got the not so nice, crappy version of me.  It was at one point in our conversation that I realized I was being nasty to him, and not just about life, that he reminded me about..... well things that I couldn't have cared less about knowing, because Damn't knowing doesn't help when FEELING the grief as grief speaks and takes over all of you.

Honestly I will say this, I don't know how, or what I would do if it weren't for JESUS being in my life.  For knowing HIM, and being flooded with HIS grace, and drenched in HIS peace.... I just can't even imagine.  Living with HIS HOPE of everlasting life with HIM, where there will be NO more sorrow, sadness, or pain.  The very thought of never having to cry EVER again... YES!!!! OOooohhh ooooohhhh ohhhhh pick me pick me, THAT!  that is what I want.   Oh Dear JESUS, please please please say that my time will be soon and very soon, and if not, as I am terribly impatient... please give me everything I am needing to just get through this moment..... this hour... this day.... one day at a time.  

After hanging up with my brother, the tears poured from my eyes, tears of defeat, foolishness... as I surely can't do what HE is telling me to do, and how in the world am I ever going to be able to survive this for the rest of my life.... and ugh..... with tear stained face, hands trembling, voice quivering... I fell to my knees once again, I repented, and I sought HIS forgiveness.  It was then that HE spoke deep to my heart, that while I hate that its a part of my life, the idea of when grief speaks, is my challenge.....however it is HIS story, my story to share to tell to SHINE HIS light on the world unknown, untouched, or even just afraid, and avoiding grief.  To SHINE HIS light that says that though the days are long, and the nights even longer, and when sorrow, sadness, and pain flow like rivers and streams into your life, HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE is this, "no matter what HE will be there, HE will pick you up into HIS arms, draw you close, and let you know that HE is there.  HE WILL hold you and let you know that HE has you, and won't let you go.  HE loves you, is there for you, and when you cry, HE cries.  HE will shower you with HIS unfailing, endless love and mercy as you pour your heart out to HIM.  HE will love you even more when you tell HIM you hate HIM, and that you don't trust HIM.  HE will hold you tighter and tighter, to prove HIS amazing love to you, and HE will prove that HE is trustworthy as HE takes you back into your past and shows you where HE was, in reminding you of all the blessings HE has bestowed upon you.  HE will patiently wait for you to open the door of your hurting, shattered heart, so that HIS living water will be poured deep into your wounds, as HIS words, HIS promises, HIS love begin to rebuild, and heal you from the inside out. HE will let you know that it won't matter to HIM how long it takes for you to know HIM, to trust HIM, HE is there for you, without pressure.  HE loves you, no matter what you do or say, NOTHING absolutely NOTHING can keep you away from HIS love.  HE will hold you as long as you need to be held, and in and through HIS timing HE will set you back on your feet, and shield you under HIS mighty wings, as you bravely, and courageously choose to put on HIS armor, to BE HIS LIGHT, to tell HIS story, of how HE rescued you, redeemed you, refined you, and renewed you.   HE is waiting, for you for as long as it takes, you are HIS, and HE loves you."

HE is teaching me that when grief speaks that is because my grief, is my deepest form of love for my son Seth.  However, I must never forget that the enemy would like nothing more for me to feel defeated, and retreat into the worldly aspects of grieving, through addictions, and sins.  HE is telling me that I can choose to allow grief to speak in my life in an honoring way that shows the world, tells the world, brings all the glory to HIM through me, that even though I suffered through every parents worst nightmare, survived the worst day/week of my life, I am still standing, I am here, I am fighting, even if it just for strength to ask for me strength.  I am NOT giving up, giving in, by allowing the enemy to manipulate my thinking, my heart.  Rather I am choosing to allow grief to speak, to show this broken, fallen, and lost world that HE is our Savior, HE is HERE, HE is ALIVE, and HE is waiting.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

if you too are hurting... grieving.... know that you are not alone, and I am praying for you.  I pray that you will know that it doesn't matter what type of loss you have experienced, loss is loss, and it hurts.  Loss creates a void within you... a void that bleeds pain when touched.... a void that only HE can soothe, and heal around so that when touched though you will still feel pain, you won't feel immense sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I pray that you will open your heart to trusting HIM with your life, to know that HE has a plan to make right all the wrong that has been done to you. I pray that you will allow HIM to work in you and through you, so that you will receive HIS TRUE HEALING as you will know WHO HE is, and WHOSE you are.  Friends, I pray for you aching, wounded, lonely hearts, that you will know that you are CHOSEN... HE is there....HE is waiting.

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

beautifully broken...

For the past six months I have struggled with deeply rooted anger.  Anger that Seth is gone, anger that my son, and daughters grieve, anger that our family has fallen apart.  I have been so angry that I have hated, and pushed away so many people that love and support us.  I've hidden deep within the walls of my home, trying desperately to just wait it out.  Wait out the pain, wait out the grief, fearful that anyone knowing, or seeing that I'm still falling apart..... tears would fall violently from my eyes as each new day would assault my heart, my mind, my memories fading all the while the most tragic of memories replayed over and over, louder and louder, deafening any joy, any happiness shutting out the light that had been pouring in.  Tears would fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet as I "tried" desperately to just keep moving.

Three days ago I reach my limit.... a limit of crying out to HIM that I couldn't do this anymore.  I couldn't cry hard enough, hate deep enough, scream in anger, frustration, and bitterness.... enough.  I cried my heart out to HIM, drenching myself in makeup, snot, and tears.  Angry words spilling from my mouth as to "why in the hell did this have to happen?!?1? and for what purpose?!? and now what the hell am I supposed to do, how in the hell am I supposed to do this..... live this horrendously sad, awful life for the rest of my days here on this earth?"

I was so angry, that I told HIM that I didn't trust HIM or believe that HE even cared about our family anymore. That it was HE that dropped us in this deep..... dark...... ocean full of the most overwhelming sorrow any of us have ever known.  I was so angry that my faith had been shaken, and ripped apart at the seams.  I was so angry that GONE was my contentment that even if things weren't where I wanted them to be, PRAISE the LORD I'm NOT where I used to be.  GONE, was any and all feelings of peace, love, grace, anything, I mean absolutely anything that gives PRAISE HONOR and GLORY to HIM.

On my worst day I told HIM how much I hated so many people..... that afternoon I saw my therapist and fell apart in her office.  Feels of guilt, and condemnation flooding my every thought, as to how could I possibly LOVE GOD and hate so many people?  How did this happen.... when did I allow such evil to take over my heart, soul, and mind?  Furthermore, how would I survive this?  Would I survive this?  If by chance I did, I surely didn't want to, as this life as I knew it sucked it the worst way, and I would much rather be dead in HEAVEN with HIM and my sweet son Seth that to have to live here, and suffer with my family.  I would rather BE at PEACE without tears, and LIVING fully in HIS presence.

Ahhh I can only dream of that day.... for now, that's all I can do, as I began to pray those feelings of defeated, and giving up away, by speaking HIS promises and HIS truth to myself, over and over until I was sick of hearing me, let alone hearing it from anyone else.  I annoyed myself to tears, and without realizing began yet another chapter in grieving with grace, in healing from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.  A journey of which HE would align perfectly with my imperfect self, to show me, to shower me with HIS love, grace, peace, and mercy in taking me through yet another lesson of just how beautifully broken I am.

Today found me sitting in a restaurant with my good friend who I met just weeks before our sweet Seth was called Home.  Tears of frustration, and exhaustion poured from my eyes as she sat quietly listening to my words, all the while praying, and waiting for HIM to speak into her and through her so that I would know that just as HE's always been in my life, HE is most definitely IN THE DETAILS.  After about ten minutes of my crying and sharing my hardships she spoke.  In such a profound way that challenged me, her words were simply this, "Heather if you are looking to feel differently then you have to be willing to make a change."  She spoke hard truth to me, the same truth that was spoken to me the other night by another dear sister in CHRIST, only that night, I wasn't ready to hear them, however after hearing almost the same message coming from LOVE from HIM, I knew that the answer I had been waiting for..... praying for..... was here.

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM leading me back onto the path of HIS plans that I have jumped off of, because of fear, jealously, bitterness, and anger.  HE is letting me know that HE isn't mad at me that I've jumped off, but rather that HE understands and knows how overwhelmingly hard this journey has been.  HE is wanting me to know that its not for me to figure out each new step I am to take, but rather to take HIS hand that HE has reached out to me, and TRUST HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again every single step of the way.

HE is telling me that the reason WHY HE taught me before I lost Seth how to reach out to HIM, how to TRUST HIM, is so that when I would hurt in ways that I couldn't even describe, I would have PROOF that HE is there, and that HE does indeed love me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE understands how I've struggled being so broken, but wants me to know that if I choose to follow HIM, and allow HIM to, HE can and will fill in the cracks of my shattered, broken, heart.  HE is telling me that being broken isn't a bad thing, and I shouldn't be angry, or embarrassed by it, but rather know that HIS plan and HIS purpose for me is to LIVE for HIM, as HE pours HIS light into, through, as the world watches it flow out of me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE didn't break me just to destroy me, but rather because HE knew that I would be obedient and transparent in sharing my story of heartbreak and grief.  HE knew that I Heather, would be HIS Ambassador of HOPE in sharing HIS message of HOPE to this lost and broken world so full of darkness.  HE is reminding me once again that HIS GLORY is and has been made known in me and through me.

As far as the struggle that I am having in forgiving people, and seeking contentment, HE is telling me that in HIS timing just as before, HE can and will lead me to victory through those struggles.  HE is telling me that HIS story, my story, is a part of something far bigger, and more purpose filled than anything I can even begin to understand, dream, or ask for.  Once again, I am floored by HIS goodness, and awed by HIS strength in me to help me OVERCOME that of which I was almost certain would destroy me for good this time.

HIS loving reminder to me today is this, "when it hurts to much to cry, here is there for me."  HE is filling me with HIS word FULL of HOPE and promises that clinging to HIM, HE will lead me through the rough waters, HE will lead me beside the still waters, and HE will give me the rest that I am needing, by flooding me with HIS peace. On the days where I fall flat on my face, as I "think" I'm okay to run ahead of HIM, as if I magically have figured everything out.... though I will feel foolish, HIS grace will be there for me...... enough for me.  Mostly on the days where I forget, and jump off the path again, HE will be there, reaching for me, leading me back, carrying me in HIS loving arms, all the while telling me, "I know Dear Heart, I know...... I love you, trust ME that MY plans for you are amazing."

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, trees planted by the Lord to reveal his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

As always my Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though I may not know your pain, I do know that pain at any capacity is so terribly difficult to live with. I know that HE is a loving, and caring GOD, WHO knows your pain, and if you let HIM, HE will help you, heal you, rescue you, and restore you to BE WHO HE has created you to BE. Always my sweet friends, I'm praying for each and every soul that reads this blog. TRUST dear ones, HE's in the details.

Always with HOPE, love, and prayers,

Blessings,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather

soon

While I had no intention of writing today, HE had other plans for me.  While cleaning my bathroom and listening to music, the song "Soon" came on.  Instantly I stopped what I was doing to listen to the lyrics.  HIS loving message to me.  "Hold tight Dear Heart, soon and very soon."  

A few months ago I was reading what another bereaved Mama had wrote, and I noticed that she wrote "soon and very soon."  I figured it was just something private within their family, but still I kept thinking about what that meant.  The same Mama talked about risking the ocean to tell the world all about JESUS.  To be honest I was frustrated as to why I couldn't have that same mindset.  After all my mindset was focused on the immense pain, heartache, and struggle that I had been facing and living with for the past two years.  Not only that, but watching my husband and my children struggle as well.  Seeing their tears, made mine fall even harder, angry, bitter tears as to why didn't my children matter?  I mean sure hurt me, test me, put me through the storm.... but why them?  Why my precious son who is just seven.  Who at the tender age of five kissed his little brothers face for the last time on October 19, 2014.  Why LORD Why?  

Clinging to HIS promise that one day I would understand, and that I just needed to HOLD ON to HIS HOPE, I kept searching for answers, and kept reading other parents stories of losing their precious children.  Though each loss so different, on thing remained.  Their FAITH in HIM, their TRUST in HIM, and HIS words flowing with HOPE out of their mouths.  Again all of this left me in bitter tears, as to WHY LORD?  WHY can't I figure this out?  WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp.... to embrace.... to accept?  How LORD?  How in the world am I to do this for the rest of my life here?

Soon and very soon kept playing over and over in my mind.... and well because we've already established in my other posts that I am indeed a sllllllooooow learner.... it wasn't until today that HE prepared my heart over the past few days to HEAR HIS WHISPER straight to my heart today.  "Soon and VERY SOON Dear Heart"

Sitting here now, I am in complete awe of HIM as I've been praying and crying so much the past six months as to when LORD, when will I be writing again?  When will I feel like me again?  All the while not realizing the me I have been searching for is  a new me...someone who I don't recognize because I've been through a total transformation, given new HOPE, new precious life, and now a NEW Message to share that goes deeper than HIS message that I was called to share before.  

In order to fully embrace this new life that I have been given, this new purpose to LIVE out, HE is giving me HIS words to hold onto.  Listening to "Soon" over and over HE is speaking to the deepest part of my weary soul.  Though no longer shattered, still broken, but in CHOOSING to TRUST HIM with EVERYTHING HE is building me stronger.  Today I am clinging to this very thought.  

"I will be with the ONE I love, with unveiled face I'll see HIM, then my soul will be satisfied, soon and very soon"  

HE is wanting me to always remember that "soon" in HIS timing not my own, which isn't for me to understand, but rather to TRUST.  This is difficult for me, as I am an extremely impatient person when it comes to wanting to be done with a test, trial, or storm.  More than ever I am clinging to my FAITH FULL of HIS HOPE of HIS PROMISE of FOREVER that is waiting for me.  In clinging to "soon and very soon,"  HE is pouring HIS STRENGTH into me to go another day.  Write another post, BE HIS light, all the while HE is flooding me with HIS PEACE that through troubles will come my way, as they always do, HE is right there with me, and when I CHOOSE to TRUST HIM in my journey towards wholeness, I WILL one day meet HIM face to face, and HE will say the words that I have longed to hear "WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT."

Today though I may NOT SEE all that HE is doing, HE is once again filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that "soon" I will SEE ALL that HE is doing even when I don't SEE HIM.  Today I am thankful that HE has once again heard my cries of "Where are YOU?"  HE is filling my weary achy heart with HIS promise and flooding me with HIS unfailing LOVE and abundant GRACE.

"In my distress I called to the Lord;I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ JESUS,

I pray that you will know that though you may feel as if no one understands, or that you're all alone in this world.  I pray that you will open your heart and mind to HIM and allow HIM to drench you in HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace, and HE showers you with HIS unfailing love.  I pray that if you feel as though you've made a huge mistake, or many mistakes in your life, I pray that you will know that HE already knows, and HIS grace is enough for you.  HE loves you HE is your Savior, and HIS promise that HE has spoken through me today is for you.  I'm so sorry my sweet friends for your hurting hearts, your broken spirits.  Lean into HIM, press into HIM, cry deep into HIS chest, HE cares, HE is there.  I pray that in my transparency today that you will SEE HIS goodness and mercy that is waiting for you.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Always with so much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

strength to forgive.....

My life has been a series of test, trials, and storms all teaching me, leading me and guiding me on HIS path of forgiveness.  HE has called me to forgive so many people in my life, and well I have.... that is until..... ugh.... now.....

Today while driving to pick my oldest up from work I felt a huge lump in my throat as I struggled to pray out, praise out the ugliness that was buried deep within.  I spent a better part of my day looking up snarky, and sarcastic, and down right mean meme's that explained exactly how I felt.  The meaner they were the more I laughed, and the harder I laughed the more pull I felt from deep within my soul.  Wanting so desperately to share, post, text, and write about how angry, jealous, and just ticked off I am at the world, and all its shiny happy, my life is so great, and amazing people..... ugh..... ugliness.  

It wasn't until during a worship song that the singer praying and said , "HE IS A GOOD FATHER, WHO LOVES us,  not because we are good, but because HE is good."  Immediately my tears flowed, ugly, bitter, angry, hate filled, heartbroken tears fell from my weary eyes.  All I could think of was, "great I am in the ocean..... again......"  With a trembling voice, I approached HIS throne, and said, "I know YOU'RE good, and YOU are perfect in ALL of YOUR ways.... it's just this struggling.... this immense ocean of grief and sorrow.... the suffering.... the heartache... the tears...... all of it is too overwhelming."  

Heart wrenching tears fell onto my shirt, and clouded my eyes to the point where if I didn't stop crying, I would surely have to pull over till my eyes became clear again, In trying so desperately to understand and accept that this journey that I am on is HIS plan that I am called, was CHOSEN for on PURPOSE to embrace, to LIVE, to BE HIS LIGHT as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.... I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Heather I know I've hurt you, disappointed you, and wrecked you with all of this.  I'VE led you on a journey of forgiveness to teach you, show you, how when the time came that you would be ABLE to forgive ME for what I have allowed to happen in your life.  No matter how hard it may seem or become I am asking you to FORGIVE ME."  With that I sobbed out the words.... "LORD JESUS please give me strength to forgive."

"He gives strength to the weary  and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me, leading me, and guiding me to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, disappointed me, and let me down.  Not only to forgive people, but most importantly forgive HIM so that HE will be ABLE to lead me down HIS path of forgiveness where HIS grace abounds, mercy is new, and peace flows.  The written path for my life for which I am on this journey towards wholeness to BE HIS CHOSEN BELOVED LIGHT SHINER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, to share, to speak, to LIVE out fully HIS love for not only me, but for the last, the least and the lost.

" But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16

HE is wanting me to know that it has been HIS plan for others to SEE me, hear me, and know me as HIS CHOSEN ONE WHO TRUSTS HIM FULLY with EVERYTHING no matter what happens. This cross that I am called to carry, to be HIS follower is one that I am stumbling all over the place with, but HIS grace is abundant in picking me back up when I stumble, HE is letting me know that I NEVER need to worry about how I will be able to forgive as it is HIS strength that HE will, has, and continues to pour into me in order to BE WHO HE has created me to BE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

This for me is overwhelming, and yet soothing all at the same time.  Overwhelming as I dread at times what the next test, trial, or storm will be in my life, and soothing as HIS loving reminder that I am NOT alone, HE goes before me ALWAYS gives me immense comfort and relief to know, to LIVE each day I am on this earth for HIS purpose, all for HIS glory, honor, and praise.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

Even in understanding all of that, there is one major problem....... I, Heather am so freaking human.  What I mean is, I think, act, and speak like a human more often than I should, and well to be honest, in doing all of that I get sidetracked from doing HIS good work, and my enemy, Satan laughs all the way to my downfall.  So many times I am fully aware that what I am saying, doing, or thinking isn't honoring, yet I don't care.  Why?  Because I am tired..... I am so sick and tired of being treated horribly, judged, and hurt by other peoples words, and actions.  I am tired of being let down.... hurt, and left in tears by people.  I am tired of saying, "well they just don't understand.... "and allow their words to sink into my mind, and flow into my heart.  I am just plain tired, and worn out.... I'm done with people, with life, and well.... this my dear friends is your invite to my pity party.  

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Now I know what you're thinking... uh, Heather get in line.... doesn't everyone?  Sadly, yes, however since my desire to do what is HIS best for my life, far outweighs.... well honestly, hating on, and speaking terribly of people.  Therefore, I am confessing, repenting, and seeking HIS forgiveness to cleanse me of this hate filled, jealous, angry, bitter heart.  Today I am seeking HIM with arms held high and abandoned in choosing to TRUST HIM that HIS plan is so much better for me than the ugliness that is brewing, festering, and cultivating deep from within my heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

Once again I caught up in HIS grace, and so incredibly blown away by HIS endless pursuit for me to know HIM, TRUST HIM and love HIM as HE loves me far greater than I could EVER comprehend.  I am so thankful to know that HE is walking with me, even when I don't feel HIM with me.  I am thankful that I am truly living out and experiencing HIS promises that HIS word is TRUE that HE is with me, and will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  I am thankful that HE has wrecked me heart in the best way in rescuing me from myself, and showing me the better way.... HIS way.

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that even if you feel alone, I pray that you will come to know HIM and HIS word to be true.  To know that even though your in an ocean of immense struggle, difficulty, and pain,I pray that you will come to know that  HE is there.  I pray today that you will open your heart to HIM, seek HIM, and allow yourself to be caught up in HIS grace, and flooded with HIS peace, and showered with HIS love.

Always, in love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather