begin again.....

The descent from the jagged cliff, where I plunged into the deepest ocean of agony that I've ever known, to riding the waves of sorrow, as they crushed, and assaulted my shattered heart. I survived the next eighteen months until I finally found myself on the distant shores of the most horrific tragedy I'd ever known, waking up to a life of which I could have never imagined, nor ever wanted.   Crawling on my hands and knees, struggling to stand, I kept reaching up, until one day I was finally able to stand.  Upon standing I quickly realized that in order for me to move I had to be willing to take a step, and that would require TRUST for HIM.  In my heart I knew..... my life, the old me, when we were seven life was over, and if we were going to move beyond living in the aftermath, I was going to have to be willing to begin again.

Begin again.... the very thought sends me into a tailspin of emotions, both of elation, and fear.  Elated because that means that I'm moving farther from the devastating loss of my son, the most horrific week of my life, and the more time that has passed, the more HE has healed my aching heart.  Fearful because I have this precious little girl who is rapidly becoming a full fledged toddler, and her mannerisms, her personality is much like that of her older brother Seth.  I find myself living in dejavu moments with her, that take me back to precious memories of when life was simple, agony didn't exist, and my heart wasn't shattered.  It is in those moments where fear grips me so tight that I can hardly breathe, that I cry JESUS please help me, as its all can manage to say, as the tears flow, and the what if's try to invade my every thought.

What if HE lets my heart be broken again?  What if HE asks for Joy back?  What if I don't trust HIM, what will happen to me?  So many thoughts and so many questions wreck me, and leave me exhausted.  So much I find myself begging HIM for relief, knowing full well that it's going to take effort from me to receive such relief.   The thought I struggle with most in begin again is knowing that HE is rebuilding me, and strengthening me to be fearless, and what if...... that means HE's asking me to risk it all again?  Will I survive?

For a while now I've been hanging around the base of the mountain of TRUST with HIM, for HIM, as I'm terrified to even climb, as the fall terrifies me.  Even a stumble these days can throw me into a day of tears, that hurt.   I know that every morning when I wake up, I know its going to take a tremendous amount of effort, and TRUST in HIM and for HIM for me to get through the day.  With each new day I am met with a choice.  I can either choose HIM or I can choose my flesh,  and most days I choose HIM, but on the days that I choose my flesh instead of HIS SPIRIT, oh those are my hard days.  The worst part is sometimes my hard days turn into a hard week/weeks. 

Begin again.... if I'm being honest angers me.  I am angry because I would have NEVER chosen this plan for my life, after all it certainly wasn't a part of my plan.  My plan was to raise my children together with my husband, and SEE how HIS plans would be lived out for each of their precious lives.  My plan was to pray, hope, and dream for my children, their future spouse, and families of their own.  My plan was to teach them all about HIM and how JESUS is their best friend.  My plan was to make a lifetime of memories with each of my children, so that when I die they could hold tight to their precious memories of our time together.

When I think about my plans, I also couldn't have imagined Joy to be apart of them.  After all when Seth was born, D and I were on opposite sides when it came to wanting more children.  I was willing, and he was tired.  He was worried that we wouldn't be able to give enough love and attention to each of our children, and wanted to be the best daddy to our then crew of five.  My plan was never to be sitting in a restaurant on our 16th wedding anniversary with tears streaming down my face, as just five short days earlier D and I would stand in HEAVEN's doorway and give back our son, and place our TRUST in HIM that Seth would be cared for until...... we would meet again.  My plan was never for D to hold my hands and ask if I would be willing to have another child with him, did I think GOD would bless us with another child? So much would happen that week that was NEVER a part of my plans.

The idea of begin again was placed on my heart last night as I was crying that life was hard.  I was crying because when I look back on my life, it is filled with a lifetime of hurts, and no matter how much I let go, and let HIM, there is yet another layer to be peeled back, to reveal lies that have trapped me, that have kept me from living HIS TRUTH about WHO I am, what I've been through and how I don't have to be sorry or apologize for how messy my life is.  Rather I can live with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that my circumstances don't define me, but the measure of my FAITH is found when it is revealed how I deal with my circumstances according to HIS word, HIS will, and HIS way.

Begin again frustrates me as each day I struggle to overcome my fears, and try my best to embrace this new life, this new normal that I am forced to live, to accept..... to embrace.  My new normal of my son, Seth Daniel did indeed die, he is in HEAVEN wherever that is, and whatever that means.  The idea of HEAVEN brings me to my knees, as I used to feel as if though I lived in HIS KINGDOM, and felt as if though I were living my life as a representative of HIS KINGDOM, when honestly now..... HEAVEN seems so incredibly far way, ,as that is where my child is, and all I have is this promise......... that because I BELIEVE and choose to live as HIS follower I know that one day I will be reunited with my son.

 Begin again challenges me to lean in, press into HIS word, and really understand that it's not for me to understand, but rather to TRUST that HE knows, and even though I can't HE can.  I am challenged to speak HIS TRUTH boldly into the lies that the enemy has been taunting me with and that just as the sweet gentle woman from church said to me today, "you tell Satan to go to hell in JESUS name!"  I am challenged that instead of giving into the fear that grips me, release the vice grip of my hands, and open them to receive HIS love as HE will pour HIS strength in me, over me, and through me to be able to move beyond the fear in my heart.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Begin again today means that instead of being upset that I am having to relearn concepts that HE has taught me a million times, I'm not angry that I'm learning, rather I am grateful, I am thankful that HE is relentless in HIS pursuit to fill me with HIS unfailing, unconditional, endless love.  I am thankful that HE knows how much I am needing love, and support in this difficult journey I am on, and as my dear friend M said just yesterday "look up my dear friend and see that the race that you are running, there are people their loving you and cheering you on.  You can't just look at the ground when you are running your race, because you will miss those people, who they too are running their own race"

So my dear friends my prayer today is this, look up my sweet friends, run your race, look around you and SEE all the people WHOM HE has sent to love, support, and encourage you to run your race.  I pray today that if you are tired, rest in HIM as HE is there for you.  I pray that in your time of rest you will feel HIS love for you, and that when you are ready, you too can begin your next chapter of begin again.

Always with so much love, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

fearing loss.....

Okay, I'll be honest in telling you that I check on my daughter Joy at least three to four times a night.  Each time I approach her crib with caution, I hold my breath, and "try" to prepare myself for what is to come.  As if I could really hold it together if something were wrong, that somehow because I survived finding Seth lifeless in his bed,  that somehow I would be able to handle finding Joy.  It all seems to absurd to me that I would even think this way, however when child loss becomes your reality, you tend to fear what you know, and for me that is fearing loss.

I didn't realize just how much I have been fearing loss that is until..... I found myself crying in my doctors office in realizing that my fear of losing Joy has allowed me to pull myself away from her. I realized that the older she is becoming the greater my anxiety has become in not wanting to allow myself to become too attached, as I don't now how long I will have with her. Because lately, when I look at her and she is doing something Seth did, panic rises in my throat, and I can't breathe, and I can't even cry.  All can do is think about how she is growing closer to turning two, and I'm terrified.  I am fearing loss.

This past week has kicked my butt, and knocked me down.  So much that yesterday I completely broke down, and cried from all the pressure, the stress, the everything and anything that was wrong in my life.  I broke down in my doctors office as she explained to me the benefits of the medication I had been taking, and why I should continue to take it.  I cried in realizing that my journey dealing with the mess from my childhood is far from over, the words that I was conditioned to speak of about myself, and believe about myself are wreaking complete havoc on my life.

After three hours of crying, and feeling sorry for myself, I began to pray that I would SEE HIM in all of this, and that I would SEE HIS hand at work in my life.  It wasn't until last night that I felt HIM speak to me.  HE let me know that the words I used to describe myself earlier in the day as "high maintenance" is NOT who I am, however since HE loves me so much, HE is letting me SEE that the work HE is doing within me is to change the words I speak and believe about myself.

HE let me know that what better way to teach me that I am NOT "high maintenance" than to bless me with a job, so I can earn the money I am needing to pay for the things that I deem "high maintenance" in my life.  However I am leaning into HIM, and waiting for HIM to calm my hurting heart about why it is that HE created me with the love language that I have.

It's embarrassing to write that it is words of affirmation, that of which I hardly ever received growing up, and now because I am an adult, I crave....... so much that I find myself craving what people have to say about me or to me, than I do HIM.   In HIM revealing to me that I am this way, I am crushed, as  please LORD  tell me why I was created this way.  Not only that but because I don't experience it as often as I "think" I should, it creates massive anxiety within me, as I begin fearing the loss of friendships, and relationships. As if somehow because I don't experience it the way I see other's do, I think there is something wrong with me, and I am to blame for my own sadness, and fear.

This is so hard for me as what I am learning about what I went through in my childhood has changed me in ways that whenever there is conflict, I automatically take the blame.  This is all derived from being told repeatedly I was "the spawn of Satan" and that whenever someone was sick, my mom's bleeding ulcer, and my granny's pacemaker, our families problems, and the abuse that I suffered from the time I was 4 until I was 15 was my fault, I was to blame, and if the person who hurt me would ever get into trouble it would be all my fault.

Fearing loss began at a very young age for me, as even though I was being abused, I was conditioned and manipulated into believing that he was the only one who would ever truly love me, and that if I ever told, no one would  believe me and what little I saw of my family, they would shut me out for sure.  Knowing what I was told over and over I was terrified, so much that I learned to avoid doing anything that would prompt him to say that to me.

Just as when I went to school and he would berate me everyday afterwards, now knowing and realizing he was making sure I didn't tell anyone what had been happening to me..  Very early on I learned how to disconnect from trauma in my life.  This I know is how I survived finding Seth.  It is how I was able to call the ambulance and not completely lose it to the point where I needed to be hospitalized.  It is also the reason why I was able to be with my son, and get to say all the things I needed to say to him.  Disconnect has helped me survive.

However, PTSD, is a whole other monster, and strikes when I least expect it to, and stops me in my tracks, as find myself every single night.... standing at her crib....... hoping..... praying......... gently placing my hands on her chest to see if she is still breathing.  Holding my breath and looking away when she smiles that sweet drool filled grin so much like her big brother.... so much that no matter how hard I "try" I struggle to keep the fear from taking up permanent residence deep with my heart. 

All of this fearing loss leaves me weary, tired, and broken.  I am completely exhausted from having to be transformed, renewed, rebuilt, and restored.  It all hurts, every single  bit of it, however because HE loves me HIS words are being over me, in me, and through me. 

"GOD can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing.  All you need it FAITH." Joel 2:25

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you too are in a difficult season of growth, being rebuilt,, and restored, I pray that you will know it is so you can look back and SEE how far you have come from the lowest time in your life.  I pray that you will SEE that and you will know that just as HE has brought you though that, HE also has amazing plans for your life.  I know how hard life is, especially when everywhere you look there's annoyingly happy people everywhere..  I pray right now that you will be flooded with HIS peace and that your hurting hearts will be held and healed.  I pray that you will receive comfort and grace from HIM as HE sustains you through this difficult maybe even devastatingly time in your life.  And if you have found my blog because you too are living in the aftermath of loss, and you find yourself fearing loss, my dear friends, hold on, I know the waves are crushing you and assaulting you,   but I promise you that HE is there and HE will help you make it to shore and HE will give you all the time you need to stand again.  Grace and peace  be with you all,

with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

everything and nothing less.....

After all the tears that I've shed the past two days, I woke up feeling relieved that I wasn't crying.  That is until I found myself sitting in church listen to my pastor speak about welcoming people in my life, who may or may not be CHRIST followers, and if they are I am to reaffirm to them that I SEE CHRIST in them, and if they are not a CHRIST follower, I am to pray and want that for them.  The message continued on to what that would look like, which literally brings me to my knees, as what he said next is something that I've been struggling with for a long time.

I still remember the day that HE let me know that I am good at loving people...... well lovable, easy going people that is.  However, as good as I love those whom I feel deserve love, when it comes to loving difficult people, well that is where I fall short.  I've known this about myself for quite some time, but never have I had to struggle so much even loving the people who have  been so easy for me to love in the past. 

HIS DAILY Teachings today is letting me know that HIS message for me is really a part 2 to HIS lesson intended for me to be humbled.  Once again I found myself sitting in a chair, listening to someone speak HIS word into my heart, and I felt that familiar pull inside.... the pull that says, and tells me.... asks BIG of me.  I say BIG because what HE asked next of me brings me to my knees, in both embarrassment and shame.  HIS voice was loud and clear, "I want you to apologize to him, I want you to admit that you pushed them away, that you were jealous, and I want you do this BECAUSE I love you.  I want you to obey ME because you TRUST ME enough to obey me."

As the message was coming to a close, I knew what I had to do, and I was trembling as I made my way to my pastor.  I fell apart as he hugged me, and I told him how very sorry I was for pulling away, and pushing him and his loving wife away.  He was in Haiti the night Seth died, yet still took the time to call me, to be there for our family, to pray for us in those first few hours of shock, and she was the first person I called from our church.  She came right away, with two other women from our church, and stayed well into the night with us as the shock and horror was realized as reality, and not just a dream.

As the tears streamed from my eyes, I told him how much I've struggled to be happy, as I saw their family happy, and making memories, as my own once happy family was coming apart at the seams.  He hugged me once more and told me how much their family loved ours, and led me to receive prayer from someone who knew my story so well.

She welcomed me with open arms, as I fell apart in her arms telling her of what I was struggling with, and wrestling with HIM about.  The more I spoke, the harder I cried, and the more I cried the worse I felt, because why after all this time, thinking about, reliving..... going through those first moments, the enormity of our tragic loss.... why oh why does it still break me so badly that I can't even stand.  When there are other times that I am able to share my story, my families story of the trauma that we incurred on that fateful day.  Tears of shame, regret, and deep hurt poured out of my eyes, as she gently held my hands, and listened to my hurting heart.   Gently she spoke of how it's so understandable that I would hurt the way I do, because of what we went through.  Not just losing Seth, but in the tragic horrific way we lost him.  The trauma that each of us went through that day, and how it has changed us all irrevocably. 

For the next fifteen minutes she shared with me how when she plays with her grandson who is only months apart in age from Seth, how she is always reminded to pray for me and my broken heart.  Instead of trying to fill my heart with hope filled promises, and things to hold onto, she acknowledged, welcomed, and was completely accepting of my aching, weary, heart.  Her words were so soothing to me, as she said she knew that I was so incredibly grateful for everything our church did for our family in helping us through the trauma of losing Seth.  She said that she knew how much I appreciated all of their love and support....... yet none of it...... as it was NEVER intended to be........ would ever be enough. 

She went on to explain to me how deep wounds are healed, from a nurses perspective, and it made complete sense to me as to why it has hurt so much for him to heal my wounded heart.  She let me know that even though other's may not see how deep the wound once was, only because at the surface you can only see a scar, I would know, I would remember just how deep down the wound is, and how much I have gone through to heal, and all that HE has asked of me in the process.

I hugged her a million times, and thanked her over and over for her continual love and support, and amazing HOLY SPIRIT led advice, and wisdom.  She let me know how much she loved me and how proud of me she is.  I am so incredibly thankful that she took the time to speak to me, and pray for me as I was feeling the heaviness of my sins.  I am so thankful that I followed HIS commands today in letting go, and letting HIM.  I am so thankful that as I sit right now and type I am able to breathe even more than I could before this weekend.

HE is wanting me to remember that HE isn't ever going to ask little of me, as anything little, is something I can always do on my own, but rather HE is going to ask of EVERYTHING of me, BIG of me, and HE has let me remember this with a song of worship that we sang in church today. 

Everything and Nothing Less by JESUS Culture

Humbly I stand, an offering
With open hands, Lord I bring

Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song

I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all

Lord take control, I trust You
I'm letting go, to give You

Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song

I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all

Everything and nothing less, I give You
Everything and nothing less forever
Everything and nothing less
Oh, my life is Yours
Completely Yours

Just singing this song in my head right now, LORD take control, I TRUST YOU.... scares me.... I wish it didn't but because HE has asked so BIG of me, for everything and nothing less.... I'm terrified of what HE will ask of me next.  I struggle so much with climbing this mountain of TRUST with HIM.... for HIM..... that when it comes to my relationships, my friendships, I struggle immensely with TRUSTING people with my pain, my sadness, my struggles.... I struggle with being authentic, and being humble.  The thought of being hurt, getting hurt, becoming hurt.... anything and all things to do with hurt....... terrifies me.  I am afraid for them to SEE the real me, the ugliness, the sin, the unholy thoughts, the less than honoring words I use about my life, and people in it.  I am afraid, and I am ashamed.

HE is reminding me of a point in my conversation with the gentle woman at church of how she wants me to know that though I am coming to that altar once again..... with the same chains..... the same struggle... though I can look back and SEE the chains I am dragging, HE is wanting me to know that HE doesn't SEE any chains that I am dragging, as I've already been forgiven when I came to HIM the times before now.  HE wants me to know that HE is only interested in the present moment where I am broken, and repentant.  HE is telling me that I need not be fooled by the enemy in allowing myself to think that I am dragging a huge chain of sin full of mistakes.  HE is telling me that the enemy, will try and shake imaginary chains, through my shame and embarrassment that I will hear them, and through her words today she told me that HE has taught her to change that ringing in her ears to HIS word, HIS message, HIS promise, so whenever the enemy comes lurking, trying to lure me back into the horrific tragedy full of agony, heartache, sorrow, unimaginable loss, trauma, and pain.... I Heather, HIS Daughter, HIS light, HIS messenger of HOPE, must remember WHOSE I am, and because of that HIS power is within me, to resist, and rebuke the lies of the enemy. 

Today LORD JESUS I give you everything and nothing less forever.  Everything and nothing less, my life is YOURS, completely YOURS.  Thank you for loving me so fiercely, so intently, so relentlessly, so abundantly, so perfectly.  Thank you for sending your messengers of HOPE to give me HOPE that I am not alone in this journey, that you have sent people to walk with me along the way, people of whom I can share my heart with ,who won't run away screaming or somehow feel as if I am hurting their feelings, like their friendship isn't enough for me.  Thank you for reconciliation of friendship that I have missed, and for healing of hearts to receive my apology in seeking forgiveness of my sins.  Thank you for shining your light in this dark walk as I try to accept and embrace that losing Seth has happened to me, and the aftermath is real, and that the journey towards living again is going to be a struggle, a battle....but that YOU will be there with me, helping me, holding me, teaching me, leading me, and guiding me every single step of the way..... Everything and nothing less I give you LORD, always, Your faithful follower, ~ Heather

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh friends, how my heart hurts for each and everyone of us.  How I wish so badly I could heal your pain, heal your hurting hearts.  I can't but HE can.  So I pray today that you will be able to surrender all, that you too will be able to give HIM everything and nothing less.  I pray that you will know that no matter what it is that you are going through, HE understands your pain, and HE is there for you.  I pray that you will come to know and begin the journey of TRUST for HIM and with HIM you too will be able to begin to SEE the plans that HE has for your life.  Oh my friends, how thankful I am for each and every single one of you.  How I hope you know, or will someday come to know how much HE loves you.

Always in love, compassion, prayers, and so much understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

humbled

 ^"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good..And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micha 6:8

So many new changes are occurring in my life right now.  The first being that I, Heather am going to be re-entering the workforce after an almost 14 year break.  A  plan that I hadn't ever thought of, but yet HE has planted so deeply within my heart.  The second being that I am slowly joining the land of the living with the people of whom I did life with before I lost Seth.   The third being that for months now I have been relinquishing my plans for my life, and have reached out for help for not only myself, but for my children as well.  All which have led me to placing two of my children in public school, and only homeschooling my oldest two.  All plans of which I NEVER wanted, or asked for... however because HE loves me so much, HE saw, HE knew exactly what I was going to be needing, and HE has given me just that.

Yesterday I drove up to join my dear sister's in CHRIST at a Winter Retreat.  The theme of the weekend away was "Better Together."  It was all about friendship, and why HE designed friendship, companionship, what keeps us from being authentic GOD honoring, CHRIST LED friends, and where in HIS word TRUE FRIENDSHIP is modeled within HIS word.

If I am being honest HIS Daily Teachings began yesterday at 3pm as I was driving to the retreat  I had been praying that I would somehow be a blessing to the women of whom I was going to spending time with, and that our conversations would be blessed, and that I wouldn't feel jealous of their seemingly happy lives.  I should have prepared my heart for what I was going to hear next, as I know it was HIM speaking deeply into my heart.  HE was asking me to apologize to one of my sister's in CHRIST, someone WHOM I was deeply jealous and avoided like the plague, as I couldn't bear to see how happy she was with her family of 3 precious little boys.  She was moving up in our church, in the world, and the more I looked, the more the enemy spoke into my ear.  "See all she has and you don't have, GOD didn't trust you and that's why HE took Seth away from you.  See all that you will NEVER have, and she's gloating to you, with her smile."  I am so ashamed when I think about how much I allowed the enemies words to creep into my heart,  and how I made agreements  based upon the assumptions that I had made about her.

Which brings me to the moment that I heard HIS voice, and felt HIM leading me to apologize.  I froze, I cried, I denied, and I said. "no.... no way, I'm not sorry, I will NOT apologize, I'm the one who lost her son, I am the one who has had to struggle living my life.  I am the one who has had to watch everyone live their happy oh so freaking blessed lives, forget you, NO WAY..... NO HOW..... pick someone else, I am NOT doing it.

The closer the retreat I got, the more I felt HIS insistence on me apologizing and admitting to my jealousy, my anger, and my resent.  All of which led to complete and total discontentment, and comparison,  both of which led to a breakdown, and downfall of our friendship.  Over and over I "tried" to reason with HIM, I "tried" to negotiate with HIM, as if to say, "nope NOT gonna happen, I will be nice, I will be friendly, but apologizing NO, I REFUSE!!!!"

Feeling satisfied in my justification as to my telling HIM no, I "thought"  I know I made the right decision for me, as I'm the one who's hurt, hurting, and will continue to be hurt for the rest of my life.  Foolishly allowing myself to believe that I was really in control of my life, and that I, Heather knew myself better.... you know even more than the ONE WHO created me?!?  I laugh now, but I wasn't laughing last night.

At 7pm my dear sister in CHRIST K spoke a message that began with what Better Together looked like,  but when we allow the lies of the enemy to creep into our hearts, how quickly our friendships can change, and our hearts can be hardened.  Again I felt HIM prompt me, go to her and apologize, and I sat straight up into my seat and said, "NO."  By this time I was sure it had to be the enemy setting me up for a fall so I pushed the voice aside and began to reason WHY HE would NEVER ask that of me, as I wasn't wrong, I have  been hurt, am hurting, and will continue to hurt.  My life will never be any easier when it comes to living without my son, and though the waves of grief will lessen, they will never go away, and it won't be until I am on the bridge into forever, that I will see my son, as he will be waiting for me.

Well if I had any doubts the entire time she was speaking, at the end of her message she was talking about those of us who NEEDED HIM, to release, restore, renew our hearts, and our friendships.  Again, I heard HIS voice, "go to her and apologize."  It was then that K spoke and said, "we're going to do an altar call, and we will have people up front to pray for you if you need prayer." 

One of the blessings of the retreat was having some of our talented sister's in CHRIST from our church lead us in worship.  The words of the song began to register in my head, and my tears began to flow. Before I knew it, my tears came pouring out of my eyes, and this ache, this longing this need, this urgency began to rise up into my throat.  Again HIS voice spoke, "go to her, she is right there, I have placed her there ON PURPOSE, go to her and apologize, let ME love you, let me HUMBLE you, let go and TRUST ME."

"Are you hurting and broken within
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ" O Come to the Altar "Elevation Worship"

Finally after a break in my tears was received, the push, the urgency was heard, "go."  With that I quickly moved straight into her arms, where I collapsed and cried with all the pain in my soul of how very, very sorry I was for hating her, for being jealous of her, and allowing all of my animosity to come between us. I sobbed deep into her chest, as if I were crying deep into HIS chest..... (I almost positive I left some of my face on her shirt.... sorry M :(  My tears fell violently from my eyes, as if HE opened the floodgates of all my pain, sorrow, and anguish in losing our friendship in the past year.  I cried so hard to her, all of my sins, and all of my thoughts, and struggles in "trying" so hard to survive losing my son, and how everywhere I went I was horrendously reminded that Seth is gone, he is just gone.  There's nothing to see, hold onto, other than memories, he is just gone. 

I don't know how long I cried, all I know is when we reached our hangout time for the evening, I had to go back to my room to wash my face, as I had cried most of it off. As I was in my room trying to regain my sense of self, I felt this huge release, a relief, HIS gift to me.  I realized it was because I allowed myself to be humbled, HE blessed me immensely with the much needed release and relief of tension that had built this massive wall between us.  As I made my way back into the meeting room, I was able to look her in the eye and have a conversation with her, without feeling upset.  I also saw my therapist, and she told me how proud she was of me, as she watched me walk over and fall into her arms.  My therapist told me that I was very brave to do that, as she knew how much my heart desired for us to reconcile, as I couldn't stand that we weren't close friends anymore.  However, I didn't want to be hurt every time I saw her, as the enemy loved, and loves NOTHING more than to torture my already tortured soul.

This my friends leads me to this, today here and now, I'm standing up and I'm saying that even though it may not seem popular, I CHOOSE to be humbled, I CHOOSE to BE CHRIST LED, I CHOOSE HIM, as I know HE loves me more than I could possibly imagine.  This is not to say that I'm somehow living in this dream-like euphoric state, please, I am human, and I am emotional, and I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to make agreements with the enemy whether I realize I have or not, but the one thing that keeps me anchored to my FAITH is HIS constant and abundant love and grace for me.  


I am confident more than ever that HE will STOP at NOTHING for me to feel HIS love for me, even if that means that HE is wanting for me to BE humbled by HIS teachings.  I am confident, that I will make mistakes, but that HIS grace will be enough for me.  I am confident that I won't have a moment where I won't be reminded of all that I have lost, yet I will be reminded that forever is waiting for me.  I am confident that each new day brings a new set of challenges, however HE is in it, and has already walked through my day ahead of me, and all I need to remember is to open my hands, my eyes, my ears, and my heart to receive ALL that I am NEEDING to live today.  I am confident that HE is indeed doing a good work deep within me, for a greater purpose that I can't even begin to fathom.  I am confident that I am mess but I'm HIS mess, I am perfectly flawed, and through HIS deep endless love for me, with HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me, I will climb this mountain of learning to TRUST not only HIM again, but the other perfectly flawed people in my life.

My dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my humble prayer that you will let go, and let HIM open the floodgates of your pain, that you will allow HIM to release you of your struggles, and your sin.   I pray that in my sharing another part of my story you will know that you are not alone, and whatever it is that is holding you back from standing up and going to where HE has called you, I pray that you will know that for as long as it takes, HE will speak straight into your heart, and when you do, HE will be there with arms open wide.  HIS invitation to you all today is this, "O come to altar, the FATHERS arms are open wide, FORGIVENESS was bought with the precious blood of JESUS CHRIST."

always with so much love, respect, understanding, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

Cake and Roses.....

For much of my life I have had this longing for days of Cake and Roses.  What I mean is because for as long as I can remember each day of my life has been filled with tests, trials, and storms.  Some of which I didn't ask for, yet found myself in a Tsunami of pain, and Hurricane's of tears all designed to wipe me out.  At every turn, every year of my life I struggled, and when the glorious day came that I realized HE has been with me all along, I began to SEE HIS JOY in the midst of the pain, tests, trials, and storms.

Slowly HE began to build HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE in my heart, as HE planted HIS word so deep into my heart, that I soaked, and meditated in HIS word daily.  So much that HE grew strong roots of FAITH of which would BE my ANCHOR in the most devastating storm I would ever have to endure.  All of this because of how much HE loves me.  However, as I am human, my FAITH hasn't been enough, HIS promises haven't been enough for me, as all of this turmoil, strife, anguish, pain, and sorrow have left me begging.... pleading for HIM to please, please, please relieve me from any more tests, trials, or storms.  As if to say to HIM, "LORD please, why can't my life just be Cake and Roses?"  

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HIS Daily Teachings actually began this past Friday night as I was out with one of my dearest soul sisters.  It was during one of our more serious conversations that we began to talk about our struggles, and how I came to realize that being on the other side of my grief and agony, that I am now re-entering back into a  life full of stupid problems.  What I mean is, problems that don't break me, or shatter me in complete agony.  Problems that in the grand scheme, you know HIS Plan, won't really matter next year, or sometimes even a week from now.  So much in fact, that because I am human, I tend to lose sight, and forget WHO HE is, and WHOSE I am, and how though something may "seem" insurmountable, Nothing, NOTHING can begin to even compare to how excruciatingly painful it was for me to have to give Seth back to HIM.  Therefore, no matter what life may throw at me, what stupid problems I may encounter, the rest of my life would be "cake" compared to what I've already gone through, suffered, and survived.

In knowing this however, because I am a selfish, needy human.... aka.... slooooow learner I am left feeling, asking, wanting, and pleading for a life of Cake and Roses.  Because HE loves me HE is wanting me to understand that though I am dealing with my life's stupid problems, that aggravate me relentlessly, and endlessly.  HE is wanting me to remember, that it is HE that has gone before me, to walk this journey and there is a good plan for me to survive my life's aggravations and stupid problems.  HE is wanting me to understand that though I may not SEE it, HIS goodness is everywhere, and when I seek HIM I will be able to taste the Cake, and smell the Roses in my life.

Ahhhh there it is, my old friend.... humble pie..... yes eating a HUGE slice of it right now, as I come to realize that there is a REASON why HIS word is constantly replaying in my mind, my heart, and my soul.... TRUST IN THE LORD GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART.... LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.  YIKES!!!  This leaves me feeling foolish, and repentant as how often I allow myself to be caught of up in my life's lame and predictable stupid problems.... designed specifically to grow me strong in HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that even though the enemy "think's" it's what will finally draw me away from HIM, HE will use it for HIS good, and HE will teach, lead, and guide me to know and understand so I will be able to LIVE out HIS plans for my life.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,    and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

This relieves my weary achy heart, as the very thought of NOT doing what it is that HE wants me to do, and wondering where, how, and when I will ever understand, or put to work HIS word in my life, HE is filling me with HIS promises that HE is there, HE knows how much I struggle, HE knows how much I hurt, and HE is leading me up the mountain of TRUST in HIM and for HIM, that when I seek HIM with all my heart, love HIM enough to let go of my way, HE can, HE will, and HE does lead me to exactly where I need to be.  

Once again HE is reminding me that even though I may not understand, I was designed specifically on purpose for HIS purpose to be fierce, to be tenacious, to be determined, to NEVER GIVE UP, not because of self pride, but rather because HE has always intended for me to BE HIS LIGHT in this dark and broken world.  HE is reminding me once again that I was created on purpose to BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, that when all seems lost, in finding yourself shattered like you've never been before, and the life you once knew in a billion pieces on the floor, so full of tears that when you cry, your tears pool as oceans at your feet, and you literally feel completely engulfed in waves of sorrow.  HIS MESSAGE of HOPE is this, the sorrow, the pain, the agony.... HIS goodness will prevail.  ALL WILL BE FOR HIS GLORY, though unimaginable, unfathomable to you, and your weary, broken, shattered heart, HE will rebuild you, you will be rescued from the ocean, and brought to shore.

HE is wanting me to share HIS message through my story, that at 4pm on October 13, 2014 I was HIGH on the mountain of TRUST, and HEALING with HIM, when I was violently and viciously shoved off a cliff, finding myself falling into the deepest, darkest ocean of pure agony and hell surviving blow after blow.  Assault, after assault on my shattered weary heart, begging and pleading for relief... while the waves came crashing over my soul, crushing me to the point where I felt I would die at any moment from the hellish nightmare that had become my reality.  Finally after what seemed forever.... over two years later I found myself washed upon the shore.... battered, broken, and bruised.  Afraid, afraid to step, to speak, to pray, to ask, to seek.  Afraid of what would be asked of me if I stood up, with arms held high and heart abandoned.  Afraid of what was to come, and what would never be.  Afraid, all the while hearing HIM, pulling, tugging at my heart, to TRUST HIM.  Slowly, like a fawn learning to walk for the first time, HE lead me back to my feet.  Slowly I took baby steps, wiped out, fell flat on my face, cried out in agony once again, as learning to walk again was unbearable, and was one of the biggest assaults on my heart, as that meant I was moving away from the tragedy, the loss of my son, all leading to me living without my precious son Seth Daniel.  Steps that would break my heart, yet would strengthen my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that as long as I remember where I once was to where I am now, somehow, someway HE would help me, and I would be able to overcome living in the aftermath, and begin to THRIVE once again in my life.  Baby steps which lead me to the base of the mountain of TRUST where HE would ask of me once again, "TRUST ME DEAR HEART, TRUST ME AND KNOW THAT MY PLANS ARE SO GOOD FOR YOUR LIFE, AND TRUST ME THAT WHEN YOU HURT, I AM THERE, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AND ONE DAY ALL WILL BE REVEALED TO YOU.  TRUST ME DEAR HEART."  Baby steps up the mountain of TRUST for HIM, that even though I am now back in the land of the living, dealing with, and struggling through life's mundane stupid problems, (things that don't really matter, yet to me they do, because I am human) HE is there, and when I look hard enough, seek HIM, and HIS will, ask for HIS vision, I will SEE the cake and roses that are waiting for me to enjoy.  

All of this my dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS is HIS JOY in Heartache that is of my life.  Today my dear friends, I pray that if you too are struggling with immense sadness, sorrow, agony, anguish, and pain, I pray that you will be able to seek HIM to ask for HIS peace,and that you will be so flooded with HIS peace, that for one moment the assaults on your own weary, achy, shattered hearts will cease.  I pray today that my story, as HIS living testament will be that though right now your life's problems seem insurmountable, unimaginable, and unfathomable, I pray that you will know that HE is working everything out for your good.  I also wanted to say that I in no way am saying that missing my son has gotten any easier, it will NEVER be easier, I'm just learning to live with this excruciating pain.  I am learning to manage through the struggles life brings, and the struggle that I face daily in seeking HIM to help me be honoring in my grief.  I pray that you will understand that even though we have HIM, it doesn't make us exempt from the pain, however because of how much HE loves us, HE will gives us what we need to get through to the next moment.  I pray that today is the start of your baby steps, that HE will lead you back to your feet.  And as always my sweet friends, please know that loss is loss, and no one can tell you how to grieve, so grieve dear ones, grieve, trust and know, that one day HIS promise will be TRUE for our lives that there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain.

Always with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

when I don't understand........

For the past few weeks I've struggled with coming to terms that my broken heart has always been a part of HIS plan.  I've struggled to understand how HE has stayed true to HIS promises to me.  I've struggled to SEE HIS goodness in the aftermath of our shattered lives.  I've struggled to accept that this relentless ache that I feel is something I will live with for the rest of my life.  I've struggled with the truth that my son, my sweet little Seth is gone.  I've tried so hard to accept that he is in HEAVEN, but the truth is..... I just don't understand.  I'll never understand, and not being able to understand has left me so full of things left unsaid, that I want so much to tell my son, to experience with him, and each time another reminder of losing him hits me, it leaves me breathless as I've survived yet another assault on my heart.  

Last week was full of assaults on my broken weary heart.  Leaving me so worn out, that I was bedridden at the beginning of this week.  Everywhere I went I was bombarded with constant reminders of what I've lost, and will never have again.  I struggled to swallow my tears, to keep things in perspective.  To seek JOY, to BE full of HIS HOPE.  So much I exhausted myself, and by the end of the week I had come completely undone.  In coming undone, I was devastated, and upset with myself as to why couldn't I just get a grip......why couldn't I just accept. A thought that seems so absurd, but let me tell you when you go through your heart being shattered, and then survive continual assaults on your heart, it leaves you breathless, and begging for relief.  

Surviving finding Seth.... surviving the traumatic events of that day..... surviving being told "I'm so sorry we did everything we could to save your son."  Those words... forever tear right through my weary achy heart.  Surviving the few moments we were given to see our son for the final time before leaving him with strangers.   Surviving kissing his sweet little hands, and rubbing his cute little chubby feet.   One last glance, one more kiss, one more, oh Sethie, please please please come back.  Surviving walking out of that room forever changed.  Surviving the deafening silent ride home, to where we would have to tell Seth's siblings, his 3 other mama's and big bruver Ikik..... the moment I stepped out of our truck, seeing the front steps of our home, Surviving our oldest saying, "Seth oh Mama please please please NOOOOOoooooooo...  her voice breaking, as her heart shattered right before me.  Surviving collapsing into my mother in laws arms...... tears of hellish anguish and agony poured from my eyes, my heart, my everything, "my baby oh GOD my baby..... not my baby.... my Sethie...."  Surviving each moment we opened the door to our home to let someone in who had been HEAVEN sent to be with us in those unfathomable moments.  Surviving calling my best friend to tell her my son died..... to her responding... "what?  wait..... what... what.......?"  Surviving climbing the stairs to our home, making the long walk down our hallway.... one that was full of panic, and tragedy, just 8 hours before.  Surviving our first night without Seth............I remember looking out our window all night long, staring at the streetlight, wondering GOD where in the HELL are you?  I just don't understand..... why.... how..... OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD..... the tears pouring from my soul, crying with the deepest groans of pure anguish I've ever known.  Surviving.... that is what I have been doing since the worst day of my life that began at 4pm on Monday October 13, 2014.

As I sit here typing that all out, it hits me all over again just how much I haven't thought about that day.  Mostly in fear of the emotions that will erupt from me, fearful that I will start crying again.... that endless, relentless agony so full of sorrow, that I will find myself deep in the ocean of pain, sorrow, and anguish.  Fearful that I won't be able to stop crying, and that I will be stuck again.   Avoidance of my grief, is something I've "tried" to do, but it never fails as the harder I "try" to swallow the emotions building within me, I fall apart.  I fall apart no matter where I am, mostly I fall apart in my car, at stoplights.  I cry so much at stoplights that I began to pray, "LORD please, let me get through this drive without crying."  Last night I pray that very prayer, and foolishly I "thought" I was actually going to make it through one drive without crying, that is until...... a song came on that I had never heard before.....and it wrecked me.  Left me sobbing, breathless, and completely at the end of myself, and I fell hard into HIS arms.

Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott spoke deep into my heart, a promise, a message that I needed to remember in this journey of oceans, shores, cliffs, and mountains.  

"I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear... So I followed through, somehow I ended up here..... I don't wanna think, I may never understand..... that my broken heart is a part of your plan.... when I try to pray, all I've got is hurt, and these four words..... THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE, THY WILL BE DONE."

This song speaks the words that I've struggled with so much, and what HE is wanting me to remember, HIS promises to me, and all I need to remember as I'm struggling when I don't understand.

HE is reminding me that HE hears my cries, HE SEES my tears cover my face, as each memory streams from my eyes.  HE knows the betrayal that I feel from HIM asking so big of me, to let go, let go of Seth.... HIS son, HIS child that HE entrusted to me for such a short time, but then.... called him home.  Oh how I struggle to understand how..... why that would be a part of HIS plan.  I've struggled immensely with accepting and embracing, and HE is letting me know that HE knew I would , and that HE has a plan, and it's good, and one day I will understand, but for now, right now in this very moment where the river of pain runs so deep into my soul, HE is wanting me to remember, soak in, meditate on, and press deep into that I need NOT to lean on my own understanding of how, or why, or when, but rather TRUST HIM, and know that HE will reveal what I need to know in HIS timing, as HE is SOVEREIGN.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I've struggled with knowing HIS word, and then falling flat on my face as I "try" and live it with this unimaginable heartbreak.  HE is telling me that HE SEES me and hears me, and HE knows my heart.  HE knows that whenever I hear someone say, "oh GOD needed him more....."  oh how those words make my blood boil, as it is the most absurd thing anyone could say to a grieving Mama.  HE knows how much in my own tiny, human understanding I "think" that there is no better place for Seth to be than with his Mama, but because HE is SOVEREIGN, HE knew more, knows more, and loves both Seth and I more than I can even fathom or even begin to understand. 

HE is wanting me to know that HE is right there in the middle of my cries as I "try" so hard to understand why I must endure more assaults on my weary, broken heart.  Why it is that this world doesn't SEE me, SEE the pain I'm in, like didn't they know, "Seth Daniel Foote age 1 year died on October 13, 2014 and his mama Heather Foote age 36 found him lifeless, and in those moments that she realized her son was lifeless, as she placed her hands on his chest and knew he was gone, that when she realized his heart had stopped beating, the very first assault on hers would begin. Seth's heart had stopped beating, and Heather's kept on beating, but in a foreign way that she would forever struggle to understand how or why."  All of those thoughts leave me, full of immense sorrow, pain, and pressure to BE how the world tells me to be.... to get over, get through, move on..... all the assaults on my heart.... how is it LORD that people don't SEE.... oh how I don't understand.

I am slowly making my way through my 38th year, and soon will be 39, and all I can think is.... 3 years...... 3 long, agonizing years of assaults, on my weary achy heart, as I try as I might, I still fall apart, don't understand, and feel like a HUGE burden to those who love me, and who have been there for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much of a burden I feel like to those around me, and wants me to know that HE is still doing a good work in me, and it's okay to fall apart, it's okay to cry, it's okay to not understand, as it keeps me falling deep into HIS arms, as I sob deep into HIS chest.   HE is letting me know that in the moments that I am soaring through life, HE is there, and HE is beaming with pride, as all HE wants is for me to feel loved, wanted, and cherished.  HE is reminding me of those moments, so when the darkness tries to hide HIM from me, I will be able to see HIS light, a glimmer of HOPE that though deep sorrow is being felt once again, HE is there, HE is making a way, a path for me to walk, and HE goes before me and knows what I will face next.

HE is telling me that when I don't understand HE is there to fill me with HIS peace as HE works in me and through me, through my struggles so that in HIS timing I will be able to understand.  Until then, all HE asks of me is to remember THY WILL BE DONE.

"He pulled away from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed, “Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?” At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. He prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face." Luke 22:42 The Message Bible

My Dear Brothers, and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray right now if your heart is aching, and you can't SEE past the pain, I pray that you will know that HE hears you, and HE is there for you, waiting for you to fall deep into HIS arms, and sob deeply into HIS chest, even if not falling into HIS arms, but rather screaming at HIM, asking HIM why, and where the hell are you?  Do it, HE can take it, HE's bigger than the pain that your feeling, and wants to soothe your weary achy hearts with HIS endless peace, amazing grace, and unfailing, unconditional love.  I pray that you will SEE my story, my life, as HIS living testament that it is possible to BE HIS follower, and still struggle with doubts, question HIM, scream at HIM and struggle trust in HIM, and live boldly for HIM.  I pray that you will SEE throughout my blog that I am a work in progress because HE loves me, and HE loves me enough that HE gives me enough courage to write about the tragedies and triumphs I've experienced in my life.  I pray right now that if you are feeling lost, lonely, broken, or a heavy burden to those around you, I pray that you will feel HIS arms wrapped tightly around you, and that you will be flooded with HIS peace, as HE drenches you in HIS grace.

always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

waking up.....

I could still feel him in my arms, as the tears seeped to the corner of my eyes.  This past week was the first time since Seth went HOME to JESUS that I would SEE him, hear him, and hold him.   The dream started out like any other, random, and filled with people I didn't really know.  One minute I was in a room full of strange people, and the next I stepped into a familiar place, although I didn't recognize it as having been there before.  I stepped into the next room and there he was.  I looked right at him, and said "Hi Seth."  I scooped him into my arms, as he snuggled his sweet little face into my chest.  In the next moment the glorious sound of his sweet sing songy voice rang through.... "Hi Mama."  Sadly as soon as I heard him, I opened my eyes.  It felt as though I was still holding him, only to realize it was just my pillow. 

For the past week I've wished, prayed, and hoped that HE would give me another dream filled with HOPE and PROMISE that HE is there, and that I would SEE Seth again.  Night after night, I prayed, please let me SEE Seth again, and with each night passing, I became more saddened that I wasn't SEEING him.  That is until today that I realized that much like waking up from my dream of Seth, HE has brought me to the other side of grief.  In a sense I am waking up.

Waking up from the most horrific nightmare I've ever had.... only to open my eyes each day knowing full well that I would have to endure another day without my son.  Knowing that pain, sadness, sorrow, and anguish was to not only be my present, but surely my future. Pain leaving me so weary and desperate for relief from the tremendous grief that poured out of me for my son, that it was all I could manage to cling by my fingernails to HIS promise that one day.... somehow, HIS way I would wake up.... I would SEE color again.  Wanting so desperately to BELIEVE HIM, but too afraid to TRUST fully, as anything was possible with HIM, but that could go either way.  Either HE could bless me immensely with healing, and recovery, or......  the unthinkable.... unimaginable....... indescribable..... happening again..... a thought so terrifying that I didn't dare say anything out loud, as my fear was growing stronger and  stronger.  

In waking up I can tell you that though the pain.... the gigantic hole in my heart is most definitely still there, it has lessened.  Two years ago I would have punched someone in the face if they told me that over time, in HIS timing my pain would lessen.  Words that assaulted me to my core as to how in the world could I ever, would I ever not feel the overwhelming pain and loss of my sweet Seth Daniel.  I can tell you that though the road hasn't been easy, waking up has been so refreshing to my weary soul.  Not crying daily, but rather in moments, not the entire day, or even if the entire day, not days at a time.   Moments of grief pouring from my eyes, and pooling as oceans at my feet, as a mere wave washing over me.  Grief washing over me, but not crushing me, knocking me down, or paralyzing me.  Things that I have prayed for from the first moment I realized that Seth was really gone... he wasn't coming back.... and the one whom I trusted with my whole heart..... shattered it.... and crushed it to the point where I came completely undone, and to the end of myself, where all I could do was cling to the very essence of HIM.  HE was my everything, and HE took it all, my anger, my rage, my hateful hate filled, hate fueled words.  HE held me tighter, as I wrestled even harder with HIM, and HE loved me more and more, and in a deeper way that I could have ever imagined.

In waking up I am seeing color once again.  What I mean is my world isn't foggy, or black and white.  For that I am thankful, as living in a world without color was draining.  Or if by some miracle I saw a glimpse of color it seemed so foreign to me, that I fought it, and felt so guilty for even wanting a second glance.  Concepts that in my head I knew were absurd... but my heart..... had been terribly brutalized over and over to the point where I begged HIM to take me.  Not that I would give up willingly.... my way.... but rather if it was HIS way....then surely HE would relieve me... rescue me..... save me...... from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.

In waking up I am able to look back on these past two years and SEE HIM and ALL that HE has done for me, with me, to me, and through me.  I know without a doubt that I couldn't have survived losing my son without HIM.  I know that it has been only through my FAITH in HIM, that HE was, is, and always will BE everything that I am needing.  I struggled to TRUST HIM... I doubted HIM, yet I clung to HIM.... desperate as the thought of letting go terrified me more than hanging on for whatever was to come next..... even if it would shatter my heart all over again.

In waking up I've come to know, trust and truly BELIEVE that HE is indeed a GOOD GOOD FATHER, because it is MOST DEFINITELY WHO HE IS.  I know that I am deeply, unconditionally loved by HIM, because it's WHO I am, because I know WHOSE I am.  In losing my son, I entered into an unfathomable nightmare..... off the steepest cliff.... plunging into the deepest, darkest ocean.... where the waves crushed me to the point of all I could do was pray for strength to ask for more strength.  To finally be washed ashore..... yet dragging myself onto land..... following a stream of HIS living water.... as it soothed my weary... achy.... soul.  All to be brought to the base of the mountain of TRUST.... where slowly... step by step HE is leading me on HIS path, that is HIS way, for HIS purpose.  I know HIM, I BELIEVE HIM, I TRUST HIM fully and completely, and I no longer shake in fear, as my FAITH in HIM is louder than any fear that is in me.  I know that HE WHO is in me is most definitely greater than he who is of this world.  

"You are from God, little children, and have conquered them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Today I am overwhelmingly blessed to realize and know that through HIS amazing, unfailing, unshakable love, I have survived, and with HIM I will THRIVE. I will soar with HIM in this life, because that is HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life. I will accomplish, and do great things in HIS honor, in HIS name ALL for HIS glory BECAUSE that is WHO I was created to be, and what I was created to do. Today I am thankful that I have been CHOSEN by HIM, to know and understand that HE heard my cries, and has answered my prayers by gently nudging me in telling me "Open your eyes Dear Heart, I'M here, it's time to wake up, you did it, I love you, and hold tight as the adventure of your new begging is here. Welcome back Dear Heart, I love you."

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that in sharing my struggles, and my pain, you will get a glimpse of WHO HE is.  I pray that a spark will ignite deep into your heart to seek HIM, so that you will come to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  I pray that you know that there isn't a right way or a wrong way when it comes to opening the door of your hurting, wounded heart.  I pray that you will take a chance in choosing to BELIEVE that HE is most definitely worth the risk.  Take a chance my dear friends, take a chance, a leap of FAITH and let HIM, let HIS love lead you, rescue you, and renew you.  I pray that when you do, you will SEE that it is HIM waking you up from your own living nightmare.

Always, in love, with so much compassion and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

when grief speaks

I remember being ten years old, and swinging on our disc swing.  In the challenge to be daring, I remember pumping my legs as hard as I could so I would go higher.  Round and round I spun on the disc, and I remember feeling so free, so empowered, so ALIVE, that is until....... the next thing I would remember would be lying flat on my back, gasping, struggling to breathe.  It was in the next moment that I remember my Dad racing towards me, and scooping me up off the ground and cradling me in his strong arms.  Softly he spoke to me, "its okay, you're alright, I'm here, I've got you.  You fell off the disc swing, and got the wind knocked out of you, just breathe Heather, just breathe."

Last week while feeling apprehensive about the impending Christmas Season I felt so weak.  I had cried out to HIM days earlier..... how.... why???? when will celebrating feel right again?  I was feeling completely and totally dismayed by the lack of HIM NOT answering me.... that is until........... HE met me right where I was and completely blew me away with HIS powerful, and mighty UNFAILING love.

Through HIS blessed gift of my most recent memory of my earthly dad holding me, and telling me he was there, it was HIS loving reminder that HE is there, and that just as I had the wind knocked out of me on that day, the gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart shattering, life altering pain, sorrow, and anguish that would implode my family.... the love of my life.....  my precious five.... and would steal the very life, and light, our precious Seth away from us with only a mere few feet away.  

Thinking back to that day.... how it started out with empowered confidence, feeling so ALIVE, and daring.... seeking, THRILLED to BE HIS, I was ALL IN.... and I was ON FIRE, and was willing to do whatever, whenever, no matter what...... soaring, flying higher into HIS arms, feeling the earth leave my feet, and well quite honestly the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.... and even greater than that, the most peaceful I had ever known. 

Then.... 4pm October 13, 2014 happened, and the soaring, flying, feeling ALIVE came to a crashing halt, as I was shoved off the highest cliff I have ever known, and plunged deep into the ocean of anguish so hard that I hit the bottom where all I could feel was the crushing weight of pain, so indescribable, that I couldn't even speak.  I couldn't even cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything, but that didn't matter because without even knowing I began to cry out the deepest guttural groans of agony in desperate pleas...... "please help me.... oh GOD please help me, my son..... my son......  mmmmmy son.

It was then that I remember collapsing in my driveway, flat on my face in the mud, rain, and in my white socks.  Looking up at the Heavens as the rain beat down on my face..... my voice completely gone.... I screamed from deep within, "WHY GOD, OH GOD, OH PLEASE.... NO NOT MY SETH... PLEASE NOT SETH...."  The next few hours would be a blur..... until D and I found ourselves sitting in that "family room"...... the words... every parents can't even begin to think about it nightmare..... "I am so sorry... we did everything, we couldn't save your son."

Falling........... clinging...... desperate for relief..... crying for days, weeks, and almost an entire year.  Tears of the most immense sorrow I have ever known.  Pain so excrutiating I felt I would surely die from.  Anger that would explode out of me, causing me to flee.... run.... hide..... delete... unfriend.....that became the absence of me.... to those who love me, know me, pray for me, care for me..... who once knew me.... the me.... Heather..... before grief.... before loss..... before..... oh how I longed for before.

Finally when I couldn't take being angry or jealous any longer I fell to my knees in desperate please for HIM to please take this all from me.  I pleaded and begged HIM to spare me of anymore pain, sorrow, or anguish.  I came to the end of myself, and allowed HIM to speak into my heart once again.  In doing so HE began to reveal the next chapter... phase to this  part of my life known as grief.

I wish I could say that whenever HE speaks to me, I listen, and I remember what HE teaches me, and then, well everything goes according to HIS word.  HA!  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You see, HE lets me know that just because I hear HIM, and I "think" I understand what I am to do..... when it comes to actually applying what HE teaches me to my life..... well  as I have already established a million times over... I, Heather am indeed a sloooooooow learner.   Much to my dismay, as I am tired... have been, am, and probably always will be of living a hard life..... a "normal" hard life is hard enough...... but adding grief into the mix, when grief speaks.... ugh.... it's unbearable.

On Christmas Eve my brother called me, and I was in a very foul mood.  Stupid, happy, joyous, joy filled, festive, oh Merry Merry Christmas nightmare people were EVERYWHERE.  Happy festive Have a Holly Jolly Christmas songs played, everywhere I went.  If that all wasn't enough.... EVERYWHERE I looked little boys..... blond hair, blue eyes.... sweet little faces..... everywhere...... and everywhere I went tears fell, as grief began to take over my entire life once again.  All I can say is my poor, sweet, caring, meant well brother.... well he got the not so nice, crappy version of me.  It was at one point in our conversation that I realized I was being nasty to him, and not just about life, that he reminded me about..... well things that I couldn't have cared less about knowing, because Damn't knowing doesn't help when FEELING the grief as grief speaks and takes over all of you.

Honestly I will say this, I don't know how, or what I would do if it weren't for JESUS being in my life.  For knowing HIM, and being flooded with HIS grace, and drenched in HIS peace.... I just can't even imagine.  Living with HIS HOPE of everlasting life with HIM, where there will be NO more sorrow, sadness, or pain.  The very thought of never having to cry EVER again... YES!!!! OOooohhh ooooohhhh ohhhhh pick me pick me, THAT!  that is what I want.   Oh Dear JESUS, please please please say that my time will be soon and very soon, and if not, as I am terribly impatient... please give me everything I am needing to just get through this moment..... this hour... this day.... one day at a time.  

After hanging up with my brother, the tears poured from my eyes, tears of defeat, foolishness... as I surely can't do what HE is telling me to do, and how in the world am I ever going to be able to survive this for the rest of my life.... and ugh..... with tear stained face, hands trembling, voice quivering... I fell to my knees once again, I repented, and I sought HIS forgiveness.  It was then that HE spoke deep to my heart, that while I hate that its a part of my life, the idea of when grief speaks, is my challenge.....however it is HIS story, my story to share to tell to SHINE HIS light on the world unknown, untouched, or even just afraid, and avoiding grief.  To SHINE HIS light that says that though the days are long, and the nights even longer, and when sorrow, sadness, and pain flow like rivers and streams into your life, HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE is this, "no matter what HE will be there, HE will pick you up into HIS arms, draw you close, and let you know that HE is there.  HE WILL hold you and let you know that HE has you, and won't let you go.  HE loves you, is there for you, and when you cry, HE cries.  HE will shower you with HIS unfailing, endless love and mercy as you pour your heart out to HIM.  HE will love you even more when you tell HIM you hate HIM, and that you don't trust HIM.  HE will hold you tighter and tighter, to prove HIS amazing love to you, and HE will prove that HE is trustworthy as HE takes you back into your past and shows you where HE was, in reminding you of all the blessings HE has bestowed upon you.  HE will patiently wait for you to open the door of your hurting, shattered heart, so that HIS living water will be poured deep into your wounds, as HIS words, HIS promises, HIS love begin to rebuild, and heal you from the inside out. HE will let you know that it won't matter to HIM how long it takes for you to know HIM, to trust HIM, HE is there for you, without pressure.  HE loves you, no matter what you do or say, NOTHING absolutely NOTHING can keep you away from HIS love.  HE will hold you as long as you need to be held, and in and through HIS timing HE will set you back on your feet, and shield you under HIS mighty wings, as you bravely, and courageously choose to put on HIS armor, to BE HIS LIGHT, to tell HIS story, of how HE rescued you, redeemed you, refined you, and renewed you.   HE is waiting, for you for as long as it takes, you are HIS, and HE loves you."

HE is teaching me that when grief speaks that is because my grief, is my deepest form of love for my son Seth.  However, I must never forget that the enemy would like nothing more for me to feel defeated, and retreat into the worldly aspects of grieving, through addictions, and sins.  HE is telling me that I can choose to allow grief to speak in my life in an honoring way that shows the world, tells the world, brings all the glory to HIM through me, that even though I suffered through every parents worst nightmare, survived the worst day/week of my life, I am still standing, I am here, I am fighting, even if it just for strength to ask for me strength.  I am NOT giving up, giving in, by allowing the enemy to manipulate my thinking, my heart.  Rather I am choosing to allow grief to speak, to show this broken, fallen, and lost world that HE is our Savior, HE is HERE, HE is ALIVE, and HE is waiting.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

if you too are hurting... grieving.... know that you are not alone, and I am praying for you.  I pray that you will know that it doesn't matter what type of loss you have experienced, loss is loss, and it hurts.  Loss creates a void within you... a void that bleeds pain when touched.... a void that only HE can soothe, and heal around so that when touched though you will still feel pain, you won't feel immense sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I pray that you will open your heart to trusting HIM with your life, to know that HE has a plan to make right all the wrong that has been done to you. I pray that you will allow HIM to work in you and through you, so that you will receive HIS TRUE HEALING as you will know WHO HE is, and WHOSE you are.  Friends, I pray for you aching, wounded, lonely hearts, that you will know that you are CHOSEN... HE is there....HE is waiting.

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather