fast forward

Today...... I'm struggling....... yesterday...... I struggled..... in all of it, HE was there, is there, and will continue to be there.  As I sit here in my new office, I realize I have now have the most beautiful view of HIS beautiful creation.   When I think about my last office, I remember that my desk was against a wall..... the wall...... that I stared at for days, weeks, and months on end feeling helpless, hopeless, angry, bitter, heartbroken, shattered, and lost.  

Walking through grief has proven to be my greatest struggle.  It used to be that whenever I was struggling, as soon as I applied HIS word to my life, I was able to recover quickly, and didn't have to struggle.  However, grief, as I have said in the past is the unwelcomed gift that keeps on giving...... and each time that  horrendous gift comes knocking at my door.... it knocks me down, and out, and......... it completely levels me.

This...... frustrates me..... grieving frustrates me.  Its as if though somehow, someway I should have already figured out how to deal with all of this.  It's like I tell myself a million times a day, "it's going to be okay Heather, Seth is with JESUS, and he's safe.  Your going to be okay, you have so much to be thankful for, and Seth hated seeing his Mama cry.  Hold tight to your memories, and press forward to make new ones with your babies.  Don't let the enemy win, FIGHT, and FIGHT hard, keeping running this race, it's going to be SOOOOOOO worth it!!!"  and then it never fails..... I fall hard........ and flat on my face. 

It never fails that I become overcome with sorrow, and tears pour out of my eyes.  Sometimes I'm crying so hard and the only way I know I am is because breathing becomes difficult.  For those who I am extremely close to they tell me ALL of the time, "you have to give yourself grace Heather, it's only been x amount of months.  Give yourself time, your way too hard on yourself."  

Truthfully I know they are right, but because I am a sloooooow learner, and I am so incredibly stubborn when it comes to healing and restoration for myself, I'm also a FIGHTER, and I FIGHT hard to get through my days.  It is as if though I am trying so hard to make it through each day, that I am "trying" to live my life on fast forward.

I know this isn't realistic, but until you have suffered immense pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish, anger, and cried oceans of tears every single day for the past almost 33 weeks, you too might want to press fast forward on your own life.   In knowing that this isn't what HE wants for me, I am struggling, as honestly I'm afraid.... afraid of what suffering, mourning, grieving means and looks like for the rest of my life.

Yesterday while running errands with my oldest daughter the thought occurred to me, that we are coming up on our first year without him...... and not only that, one day we are going to look back and say, "it's been 25 years since we lost Seth......."  This very thought brings me to my knees, as I honestly don't want to have to grieve my son for even another day.  

This is NOT to say that I want to be with him, but I do however want him to be here with us. Well that, and the fact that I beg JESUS to come back every.single.day.  It is a daily, and constant struggle for me to be accepting that this is the life that I have been given.....and I only get one life to live..... and no matter how hard it gets, HE will pour HIS strength into me, and HE is, and will build be STRONG in order to LIVE it.

Truthfully, knowing that HE is with me, sometimes.... well it doesn't even begin to soothe my aching heart, and weary eyes.  Sometimes.... nothing, but breathing, and waiting, and breathing, and waiting, and breathing, and crying, and waiting, and breathing, and crying, and waiting...... well I think you get the picture.  Sometimes, all I can do is wait, wait on HIS timing, and for HIS provision.  

I know eventually after I have been crying for quite some time, that HE will flood me with HIS PEACE, and that relief will come, but honestly when I'm in the middle of a horrific crying moment.....all seems lost, and the pain of losing my precious little boy is more than I could possibly bear..... it is in those times where life seems daunting, impossible, and completely unbearable.

HE has placed so many wonderful people in my life, starting with my amazing husband D.  D has been my rock in all of this.  He has been the one who has held me at night while I fell completely apart, and honestly I have felt so incredibly guilty for leaning so hard on him that these days, I try not to lean on him as much, and give him his own space, and time to grieve our precious little boy.  I guess you could say I try and fast forward through my openness with D in sharing with him how I am really doing.

Truthfully I'm afraid, afraid to grieve too hard, too long, to deep...... so onward I press, and keep pressing  fast forward on ALL the days of my life, and in the process completely forget that I only have one life to live.  Truthfully I am terrified on really living in each and every single moment, as I am only thinking in my "humanness" that there's no way I'm going to be able to live a lifetime with this grief.... and I question why HE didn't make my heart stop beating the moment Seth's heart stopped beating????

Truthfully that has been the hardest thing for me to accept is that contrary to what I used to say, from my oblivious world, I didn't die when my child died, I breathed, I screamed, I cried, I begged, and I pleaded...... and pleaded..... and pleaded...... to the point where I completely lost my voice in only ten minutes.......

When I think back on those first few moments.... it's so incredibly hard for me to relive them, and honestly I just want to press fast forward through all of it, and beyond and past the here and now, and present that I am living.  To be honest, sometimes I wish so badly HE would let me SEE the ending so I could understand how it is that HE has called me to walk this journey through grief.  

Unfortunately, or well at least in my "humanness" I view it as unfortunate, that is NOT HIS plan, and well that is when I lean in and press hard into HIS word, rely on my FAITH in HIM to carry me when I can't walk, or even stand, HE is there, and HE reminds me of HIS promises to me, and for me.  It is in those moments where HE teaches, leads, and guides me on my journey of walking through grief, and whenever I "feel" like running, HE holds tight to my hand and lets me know that this is NOT something that I can fast forward through.

In those moments HE lets me know that the times where I am pressing incessantly fast forward in my life, HE is wanting me to remember that ALL HE has ever asked me to do is just "Be still...... and know that HE is GOD" Psalm 46:10  Even knowing that, knowing HIS word.... I still struggle.... as that means being in it, ALL of it, tears, sorrow, pain, anguish, grief, mourning, suffering, laughing, sleepless nights, ALL of it, being in it, and TRUSTING HIM completely that in HIS timing and through HIS provision HE can, will, and does relieve me from that horrendous pain, and when I allow HIM to work in me and through me, I will SEE that it's much better to live in each and every single moment I am given, as HE is the ONE WHO created me, and HE created me to BE STRONG enough to live this life.  

Today is a new day that HE has made, and blessed me to live, therefore I'm surrendering once again, and saying I'm all in, even when it hurts, even when the pain is unbearable, and life seems so incredibly unfair.  Today I am choosing JOY in HIS presence, and trusting that HE has my life written perfectly, and knows and loves me best.  Today I am NOT going to wish my day away, rather I'm going to soak in each and every moment, so I don't miss a thing.  Today I am releasing the fast forward button on my life, and TRUSTING HIM that HIS timing is indeed perfect.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that you will be encouraged by my transparency that even knowing HIM, and knowing of HIM sometimes isn't enough.... but what is enough is waiting....... even for a 1,000 sleepless nights, waiting on HIS timing and for HIS provision is worth it.  I pray that if you too are in horrendous pain, suffering, sorrow, mourning, or waiting..... for what seems as if though forever.... I pray that you won't give up, I pray that you will continue to TRUST and know that HE is in the details of your life, and is waiting for you too to release the fast forward button in your life.

Always with love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Reprogram

Yesterday morning I prayed for opportunities for HIM to be made known in my life.  I prayed that HE would be obvious in everything that I was doing.  I prayed that I would SEE HIM, and NOT focus on all the wrong that has been done unto me.  I prayed that my focus would be set solely on what HE is saying to me, and calling me to do.  I guess you could say that yesterday was the start of being able to Reprogram my thoughts, so that my heart would be made clean, and would be in right standing with HIM.

I have known for quite some time that I was in desperate need of a Reprogram, however I wasn't sure what that meant.  For the past month I have known that there was a battle waged for my mind.  I have known that I haven't always fought that battle the way that HE intended, and that it because mostly I was so completely and utterly heartbroken and wrecked.  

Today however is a new day!  Today is the day that I allow HIM to Reprogram my thoughts, so that my heart will be made right.  Today is the day where I let go of ALL that has happened to me, both in the loss of my son, and the struggles I have faced since losing him.  I am relieved to know that HE does indeed know my heart, and knows whats best for me.  I am relieved to know that my SAVIOR has come once again to rescue me from the fall of this world. 

It has been daunting for me to wake up each and every morning knowing that my son is no longer here.  I think about him all day long, and wonder what he would be like today, and what he would be doing.  Each time we make a new memory as a family, my heart breaks into two.  By the end of most days, my mind is completely spent, and my heart is a complete emotional wreck.   

Daily I have struggled with this new normal that my family is living, and to be honest, I have fought it every single step of the way.  While I may appear to be okay with all that is different, my insides are burning, and screaming from the anguish that I feel.  Daily I have had to watch each of my children cry, as they too are consumed by their own sadness.  This in of itself absolutely breaks my Mama heart. 

Thankfully today HE is HERE and is speaking straight to my heart!  Today HE is letting me know that HIS Daily Teachings is all about what Reprogram means for NOT only me, but for my family as well.  Today HE is taking me on yet another journey of learning to LIVE this life that I have been given well.

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I have struggled to accept, and move forward with all that has happened to our family.  HE is telling me that HE knows that my greatest fear is that we will somehow forget Seth as we settle into our new lives.  HE is wanting me to know that I NEVER need to fear anything, as HE CHOSE me to be Seth's Mama for a reason, and that is because HE knew how deeply I would love and care for Seth, and HE knew that HE would create in me a heart that would be willing and able to share with this world WHO Seth was, and still is.  

HE is telling me that today is the start of a Reprogram that HE has intended for my life, as HE knew I was completely leveled by this massive loss of my precious son.  HE is wanting me to know that this Reprogram isn't so that I will be free of pain, or won't feel the sting of the loss ever again.  HE is wanting me to know that this just means that I will be able to deal with the pain of losing my son, and missing him in a way that doesn't paralyze me every time I am living through another first without him.

HE is wanting me to know that though HE doesn't promise that my life will be easy, it will however be possible.  HE is wanting me to remember that HE is with me always, and HE is the ONE WHO pours ALL the strength that I am needing to get through yet another moment that is so unbearably painful.  

 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Before I lost my precious little boy, I used to say things like, "GOD won't give you anymore than I can handle."  I think I truly believed this to be as some sort of safety net, in thinking well I could never handle this or that, so surely HE will NEVER give me something like that.   That is until..... well the worst day of my life happened, and I was leveled, and my heart was shattered into a gillion pieces.  I was so completely and utterly heartbroken and wrecked,and couldn't fathom how in the world HE ever thought I could possibly handle any of this.

That is until it was the revelation that HE does indeed give me more than I can handle, as I am human, flawed, sloooooow, and a sinner, in desperate need of a SAVIOR.  HE is calling me to LIVE my life in such a way that I will know and show other's that I couldn't possibly take a single step without HIM there to lead, teach, and guide me.  I have learned in this painful journey of walking through grief just how much I need HIM and I know that this is because HE has continually poured HIS amazing GRACE, unfailing, unending, and relentless LOVE into me, all the while flooding me with HIS PERFECT PEACE.

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins,  in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath." Ephesians 2:1-3

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

" Before the entire congregation of Israel, Solomon took a position before the Altar, spread his hands out before heaven, and prayed,

O God, God of Israel, there is no God like you in the skies above or on the earth below who unswervingly keeps covenant with his servants and relentlessly loves them as they sincerely live in obedience to your way. You kept your word to David my father, your personal word. You did exactly what you promised—every detail. The proof is before us today!" 1 Kings 8:22 The Message Bible

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I prayed to HIM, and thanked HIM for the day.  I thanked HIM for the opportunities that HE had given to me to speak HIS word, and to be HIS light.  I thanked HIM for HIS wisdom to be able to know that HE was calling me to speak HIS word, therefore speak HIS life to this broken and fallen world.  I thanked HIM and PRAISED HIM for the opportunities that HE is placing in my life to BE HIS LIGHT, to SHARE HIS LOVE in a way that is contagious.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you—  I whom you have delivered." Psalm 71:23

" For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:6

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12

Today is me surrendering and saying: "LORD I'm ready, Reprogram my thoughts LORD so my heart will be made right.  I pray that LORD that YOU will be extremely apparent in my life, that others will look at me and SEE YOUR LIGHT.  I pray that YOU will bless me with more opportunities to speak YOUR words and to LIVE this life that YOU have blessed me with to the fullest.  I pray LORD that today I let go of my past hurts, and hangups, allow YOU to transform and renew my thinking so that I will be in right standing with YOU.  LORD I pray that today I will be YOUR messenger of HOPE, as YOU continue to make me BRAVE and COURAGEOUS to share my story of what YOU have done, are doing, and will do in my life.  Today LORD that I will be YOUR HOPE in this broken and fallen world.  LORD today I give my life to YOU in all that I am.  Today I'm ALL in LORD, send me, make me, mold me, shape me into be the woman that YOU have called me to be.  In JESUS mighty and powerful name! Amen! "

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

" We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,   I pray for your broken hearts today.  I pray that the pain that you are feeling, won't even begin to compare to the JOY that is coming in your life.  I pray that HE will be made known in each of your lives, as you continue to seek HIM, and SEE ALL the right that HE is making through ALL of the wrongs that have been done unto you.  I may not know your pain specifically but I do know that HE does.  HE is in it, ALL of it.  I pray today you will have the courage to seek HIM, and trust HIM to allow HIM to Reprogram your thoughts, so that your heart will follow.  I pray today for freedom from the lies of the enemy in CHRISTS JESUS HOLY name.  Today I am claiming that there is POWER in the NAME JESUS to BREAK EVERY SINGLE CHAIN in  your life.  Today I pray that you too will surrender and say; "LORD I'm ALL in.  Transform and renew my thoughts so that my heart will be made clean."

With love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Thankful

Why is that whenever things are going great in my life, I find myself just saying over and over, "Thank YOU JESUS, PRAISE YOU for the many blessings that YOU have poured over my life."  Yet, during the hardest portion of my  journey, I am struggling to even SEE JOY in just a sliver of my life.  Though I know that HE has done great things in me, through me, and for me, I struggle.  I struggle to be thankful.

Since my son Seth's Homecoming..... choosing JOY has been an uphill battle for me.  Though I know that HE has instilled in me the tools that I needed in order to choose JOY, I have struggled to even put them to use, as my heart is so incredibly overwhelmed by sadness, sorrow, and pain.  For the past 32 weeks now I have been having to fight tooth and nail to keep my eyes FOCUSED on HIM and all that HE is doing.

This morning was no different.  Last night D and I attended our last life group as we are now on summer break.  The question that was asked last night was, tell about the good things that HE has done in you and through you this past year, in other words your blessings.  As we went around the table, and the next person spoke, I realized that I didn't really know what I could say.  What I mean is, on one hand, our forever home, my hearing aids, our little rainbow baby just to name a few, sure I could talk about those blessings, yet even though I knew ALL of them.... I struggled, and sure enough when it was my turn to talk... all I could think was, this was the worst year of my life.... this is the worst year of my life..... I pray to JESUS that I won't have to EVER endure another year like my 36th year.  

Thankfully because HE lives in me, and I have learned to allow HIM to speak through me, I was able to share how this year has been an incredible year of restoration for not only myself, but for my family as well.  I was able to share ALL of even the smallest of things that I am so overwhelmingly thankful for.

The truth is, this year I have been leveled...... in every single area of my life.  from my FAITH in HIM, my marriage to D, and being Mama to my precious soon to be six.  Even before Seth slipped away during his nap on that rainy dreary day in October.... I had been struggling.  

In February of 2014 D and I were at a crossroads in our marriage.  We were struggling to SEE why we were even together.  After months of fighting, and not SEEING eye to eye, with one of the most dreaded holidays looming.... Valentine's Day..... D went above and beyond anything he had ever done in our 15 years of marriage, and 18 years of living this life together.  

D took me to an amazing little restaurant where he proceeded to shower me with gifts, and a beautiful card that professed his love for me.  He made promises to me that night, promises that I have clung to during this most horrific time of our lives together.  That night as we drove home I was so incredibly thankful that HE heard my cries for help, and HE blessed me for my obedience, in waiting for HIS timing, and NOT trying to force my own agenda.

Never would I have imagined that almost 8 months to the day later D and I would find ourselves sitting at that same restaurant celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary.  Only this time, it wasn't because we were starting over, getting a fresh start.... it was because we were living the beginning of every parents worst nightmare.  

I remember sitting at that table, ordering our food, and looking around at all the smiling happy people. D held my hand from across the table, and looked deep into my aching, shattered eyes, and said, "I know this is so hard, but we have so much to be thankful for. I know its not going to be easy, but I still BELIEVE that HE has amazing plans for our families life."   The next sentence that he spoke made me practically fall out of my chair when he said, "do you think that GOD plans for us to have more children?"  Tears fell from my eyes, as I looked at my broken, yet so incredibly strong handsome husband, and I with all the strength that I could muster I said, "I hope so."

I couldn't believe that D was saying these things to me, as just 8 months prior we weren't even sure how we were going to hold onto our marriage.  I was in complete awe that even though we had a rough year prior, HE was giving D HIS vision to SEE that HE was, is, and would continue to be doing amazing things in us and through us.  HE was pouring into D that even though we were so incredibly heartbroken, shattered, and leveled..... we still had so much to be thankful for.

Somewhere in the middle of dinner, I laid my head on the table and cried...... tears poured out of my eyes, as the harsh reality that our precious little one was gone...... it was in that moment where it started to really hit me that my little Seth didn't need his Mama anymore.... through my tears I cried out to HIM "Oh GOD how do I live without my baby, my sweet baby love?"

Three weeks after our anniversary dinner, we sat down together as family and began to talk about all the GOOD that HE is doing, has done, and was going to do for our family.  We talked about our prayers, and what we were wanting.  D looked at each of the precious broken hearts of our children and asked them if they would be okay to have another sibling.  

It was during that time that HE lead us straight to HIS word in the book of Joel.  As soon as I read it, I couldn't believe that was HIS message to us, but in knowing the awesome power of prayer, I began to pray circles around HIS word, and as a family we ALL began to pray for HIS promises for our families life.

"Rend your heart  and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

Valentine's day of 2015 was so incredibly bittersweet, as I could look back on the past year and SEE all that HE had done in my marriage to D, and tears of hatred, anger, bitterness fell violently from my eyes.  Though I knew HE wanted to me to seek HIS JOY, by just being in HIS presence....I was angry.... I was mad... I was lost.... I was heartbroken....I was shattered..... I was leveled.... and most definitely I wasn't thankful.

After all how could I possibly be thankful that our lives had been shattered, and that our family was in the most horrific pain that any of us had ever known.  Daily I struggled with my anger, and often times I cried out, "How GOD how in the HELL could you do this to our family???  How could you hurt us this badly....where in the HELL is YOUR freaking JOY?  I think it's gone, there's NO way that its here..... YOU have wrecked me beyond repair... I will NEVER be the same..... I hate YOU for what YOU did to me.... I'm done, I'm done being all in.... I REFUSE to have a target on my back anymore....."  

Thankfully those tears of anger only flowed for about two weeks, as HE began to prepare my heart for the next chapter of our families lives.  It was within those two weeks that HE would lead me through a massive breakthrough that would open the door to my heart once again, so that I would SEE all the good that HE is doing, and that is when HE let it be known that our prayers had been answered.  

Within the second week of March HE began to prepare our families hearts that we would indeed be starting at new chapter as HE would be leading us to our forever home.   If that blessing wasn't enough to be so incredibly thankful for, HE blew us all away on March 25th when HE made it known that HE was keeping HIS promise to us for a RAINBOW after the massive storm that "tried" to wipe out our family.  HE made it know that our Rainbow, was news that a new precious little life would be joining us in November..... a year after we began to pray fervently for HIS promises for our families lives.  

I am so incredibly Thankful that I can write about ALL of HIS blessings, in even the smallest of details.  I am Thankful that I am able to share my story, of how even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, anguish, suffering, and pain...... HE is still good.  I am so incredibly Thankful that I am able to be HIS light in showing this broken and fallen world that anyone can PRAISE HIM when life is good, but does anyone still PRAISE HIM when life is so incredibly heartbreaking, unfair, and cruel....... well I can tell you that I have learned that you most certainly can, and HE is most definitely STILL good.  I am so incredibly Thankful to have been CHOSEN to live this life, as I can look back on ALL of the tests, trials, and storms that have prepared me to not only survive this massive storm, but Conquer this massive storm.

I am so Thankful to know that even in my cursing at HIM, and telling HIM I hated HIM, HE loved me..... HE loved me because well.... HE loves me........ and no matter what I say or do that is wrong, or hateful.... HE is waiting for me to spill it all out to HIM, so that HE can pour HIS soothing truth into my weary, and aching, heart and soul.   I am so incredibly Thankful to say that even though I may be a hott mess..... I'm HIS hott mess... and when I seek HIM, HE will work in me and through me, and the beauty that will rise from the ashes will be HIS beautiful message.

Though my days are yet to be pain free, sorrow free, I know HE is with me, and HE has CHOSEN me to be the face of a Mama's broken heart, and HIS voice to speak deep into a Mama's broken heart, that though I would have NEVER CHOSEN this journey to be my life, HE did, and when I surrender HE can, will, and does SHINE HIS light, and pour out HIS love for this broken and fallen world that is FULL of the last, the least, and the lost.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that you will know that no matter what you have gone through, are going through, HE is doing a good work in you and through you.  That even when you fall flat on your face, and scream at HIM in anger.... HE loves you.... unconditionally.  I pray that you will know that HE is always there for you no matter what, and when you surrender HE can and will do amazing things in you and through you.  I pray that if today is an incredibly hard day, I pray that you will be able to look back at your life and SEE all the good that HE has brought to it.  Today I pray that instead of focusing on all the wrongs in your life, you will be able to choose JOY and BE Thankful.

Always with so much love, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather 

battlefield

So this past week has completely kicked my butt.  I have cried more than I have in the last two months combined, and that says a lot.  Tears have fallen so much, so often, that I don't even realize I am crying until I sense my shirt is wet.  Tears fall as each day passes that we are slowly unpacking and making our new house our home.  Tears fall as each of my children's closets are being filled with their clothes, and the reality hits me that we have extra children's hangers, as there is only one set of boys clothes hanging in my son's closet.  

Tears fall as I unpack toys, and find homes for all of them, realizing that they are toys that Seth wouldn't be able to play with, and I don't have to put them up, and keep them out of sight, as there isn't a little toddler running around putting everything into his mouth.  Tears fall as each and every night that we set our families table for dinner.... a place is missing.... tears fall all the time.

The harsh reality has really begun to sink in that though we know where Seth is, and WHO he is with, the fact remains that Seth is NOT here physically with us.  The fact of the matter is that ONE of us is missing.  In my truck my children sit two and two, and no longer three and two.  There is now only one car seat in my truck.  When we go out to eat we say 6 please, where it used to be 7.  

Tears fall as we were 7 and for those who don't know us, will never know that unless we begin shouting it out loud for all the world to hear.  YIKES!! Can you imagine?  I would think that would be incredibly awkward for the people of whom we encounter.  Tears fall as I walk through this life feeling empty, feeling lost, feeling heartbroken, living in agony that my son is no longer living here.... with me to hold, and hear his sweet little sing songy voice saying "hi Mama......"

Tears fall as though I know ALL that I feeling, and experiencing, I can't help but be angry at this selfish world..... a world that I too once lived in, oblivious to those WHO are hurting, and suffering ALL around me.  Tears fall as my eyes are being opened to a whole other side of this world that we are taught needs to be kept private.  Tears fall as the reality is that this world can't handle anyone who is grieving, and because of that we are made to suffer in silence.

Feeling angry, bitter, and resentful in realizing that, I have struggled with talking to people lately.  Their helpful words of advice have been the strike that has lit my match, and let me tell you has left me burning hot inside full of rage towards people full of helpful advice.  Tears fall in knowing that I have struggled immensely with anger, bitterness, and resentment towards people who truly do mean well.   Tears fall because not even realizing it, I have allowed my mind to be taken over by the enemy, and instead of focusing on HIS truth, and being HIS light, I have allowed myself to be burned from deep within.

After crying myself to sleep yet once again last night, I woke up this morning feeling desperate to be relieved from this struggle.  I was feeling so incredibly broken, defeated, and spent.  I text my best friend, and she called me.  As I spilled out all the ugliness, sadness, bitter feelings of defeat, she listened...... she took a deep breath and said, "I think you need to know that this is a battlefield of your mind.  A war has been waged for your mind......"

It wasn't until just a few moments ago where I realized why she said that to me.  HE made sure that I heard that this morning, as HE is taking me back the very first leg of my journey with HIM that began almost three years ago.  This morning HE is bringing me back to the basics, of my first dose of HIS Daily Teachings.  

HE is wanting me to know and understand that my mind is most definitely a battlefield. This means that when I shift my focus from HIM onto myself, or other distractions such as my pain...... well that is the opening of the door to my mind, and which eventually will lead straight to my heart for the enemy to invade, seek, and eventually destroy.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

HE spoke through me this morning in reminding me that I am indeed a sloooooow learner, and because of that HE is going to make sure that I fully understand what it is that I am needing to know and understand in order to be able to walk this portion of my journey with HIM.  This portion being walking through grief.  

I can tell you that this portion, has been the hardest portion of my entire life.  Never before and so often has my FAITH in HIM and for HIM ever been tested this much.  Never  has my mind been attacked, and my heart shatter, broken, and crushed.  In the past now 13 years I have NEVER had to struggle so much to SEE HIS goodness in something so tragic.  NEVER have I had to question whether or NOT I would really LIVE for HIM, especially knowing that HE has called me to this journey of walking through grief.

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21

My breaking point was the other day, when I learned of another family who have found themselves stuck with this nightmare membership to the most  horrific club you couldn't possibly even imagine.  My heart sank as one of my soul sisters reached out to me...... Heather, a broken hearted Mama WHO knows and understands the sorrow, pain, sadness, and anguish felt when losing your precious child..... for words of wisdom, for advice as what to do, what not to do, how to act, what to say... how to pray..... all of it..... brought me to my knees.

Towards the end of our conversation I felt HIM speaking to me that HIS good that will come out of this horrific tragedy of our family losing our sweet baby Sethie is that HE will use each of us, to be intercessor's for prayer for other families who they too are suffering the same type of loss. 

"I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people" 1 Timothy 2:1 NIV

"The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. " 1 Timothy 2:1 The Message Bible

Upon hearing this my heart broke even more as I thought about our journey thus far of walking through grief, in how the reality hits you so hard every single day that as soon as the new day comes, it will be yet another day that you have to walk.  Just knowing that this sweet families journey is just beginning..... breaks my heart..... and my heart aches for them.

Through my aching, and breaking of my heart, I have allowed myself to shift my focus off of HIM, and deep into my pain.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I am hurting, how deep my pain runs, and the agony that I am living in daily.  HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I have to wonder whether or NOT HE is there, but TRUST and know that HE is, and that HE has NEVER left me, nor will HE EVER leave me.  HE is telling me that in the moments where I am so full of agony, HE is there speaking HIS truth into me that NOTHING I am feeling is unbeknownst to HIM.  HE is telling me that the enemy would like nothing more than for me to believe his lies, his vicious cruel lies of death that breathe NOTHING but death and destruction into my life.

"For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4

" Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

HE is letting me know that HE is sharpening my mind today with HIS truth that I am HIS, I am CHOSEN, I am COVERED, I am LOVED, I am WANTED, and I am PROTECTED.  HE is telling me that it's time for me to tell Satan to SHUT UP with all of his ridiculous lies, and to shut him out, and shut him down with HIS TRUTH!!!!  HE is wanting me to know today that HE is calling me to FIGHT the good fight with HIS TRUTH, HIS words, HIS love, HIS light, against the darkness that lurks, that seeks to kill, and destroy everything in its path.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12

HE is wanting me to know that today I am on the battlefield but I must remember that I am NOT alone, HE is with me, and HE is pouring HIS strength into me, and giving me the courage to face ALL of the pain, sorrow, sadness, anger, and agony.  HE is telling me that GONE are my days of being a victim!!!  Today HE is telling me that with HIM and through HIM I will be victorious!!!

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great." Psalm 18:35

I am learning that this doesn't mean that because of HIS truth, life won't be hard..... oh how I wish that were the truth, when in reality the TRUTH is that this life IS hard.  It's supposed to be hard, and my family and I have been called to do the hard.  HE is reminding me once again that when I live out HIS calling for my life to do the hard, that is when HE is growing and strengthening me.  HE is reminding me once again that it has been in those times of growing deep in the trenches of this life is when I have grown by leaps and bounds in my FAITH for HIM and in HIM!  

"Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them."  1 Corinthians 7:17

I am in complete awe at how much I have heard from HIM this morning when I chose to shift my focus off of my sorrow, sadness, pain, agony, and anguish, and set them completely and solely on HIM.  HE has once again blown me away with HIS goodness and mercy as HE flushes out the lies that have been attacking my mind, and trying hard to invade me heart. I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for HIS relentless pursuit of my heart and mind, to know HIM, and know HIS character, so that while I am on this journey of walking through grief I will know that anything that is NOT like HIM, is NOT from HIM, and therefore I will know that I have HIS power and authority living in me, to SHUT DOWN, SHUT OUT, and SHUT UP the enemy that is lurking.

"I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." Luke 10:19

Today I am reclaiming HIS TRUTH for my life, and declaring that HE has the last word, and HE isn't finished with me.  I am choosing to stand firm in my FAITH and boldly declaring that HE is the AUTHOR and PERFECTER of my FAITH, and HE is the ONE WHO has written this story, my story just a small portion of HIS story of WHO HE is ALL HE has done, what HE is doing, and what HE will continue to do.  Today I am seeking HIM for courage to face this journey of walking through grief.  Today I am choosing to BE HIS BRAVE WARRIOR on the battlefield.

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God,so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,  for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:10-20

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

My Dear Brothers and Sisters, I pray today that if you too are hurting, oh my dear friends, I pray that you will know that you are NEVER alone.  I pray that you will feel HIS presence and HIS love washing over each of you.  I pray that you will know that the tears that you have cried, are crying, or will ever cry will NEVER be unbeknownst to HIM.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS strength to give you the courage to be HIS BRAVE WARRIOR on the battlefield.


with much grace, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather