the miracle

Will you say YES to JESUS?  No matter what?  Even if.... do you even know what that means?  I can tell you that on the morning of October 13, 2014, I had no idea what I was saying yes to.   It was up until that day at 4pm that I lived in a world of oblivious living.  Where deep pain was in my past.  I thought I had survived the hardest moments I'd ever have to face.  I thought in giving my life to CHRIST that I would be covered.... protected... safe from harm... until....

Saying YES to JESUS put me on the front line of the battleground.  Saying yes put me front and center at the table with my enemies.  Little did I know who my enemies were, let alone did I understand how to fight.  It would be years later before I would be strong enough to even think of saying YES again.

This past April I served at the women's conference at my church as a part of the welcoming team.  This was the 1st time in almost 13 years that I had served in hospitality for a church.  It was the first time in almost 12 years where I was healed enough to be there for other people, rather than my being in constant and continual need.  While serving I had the opportunity to hug and love on several women who just needed BLESSED ASSURANCE that they weren't alone.  I was able to pray over them and listen to their hearts and what was going on in their lives.  I was able to just be, to just listen, to just pray, not try to fix, or solve anything.  I didn't feel pressure to perform or appear a certain way.  I was healed and I knew it; I could feel it.

Still... the enemy didn't let up.  It was during the afternoon session that a dear friend was interviewed for the traumatic event that transpired just six months prior with her precious 3-year-old.  On the day of the traumatic event, I was actually gathered at our church for a volunteer celebration.  As the call to prayer came out, and people boldly stood in the gap to pray for her 3-year-old son, I stood, tears streaming pleading to ALL of Heaven to please save her son HERE, NOT there.  I prayed on her, and her husband's behalf to please give them the miracle they were praying for.  To please not break their hearts the way that our hearts were. The tears continued throughout the day and night.  Each night after receiving updates that were promising and uplifting, it was apparent that ALL of Heaven was listening and they were getting their miracle.  Now in this very afternoon she was sharing HOW GOD WAS MORE THAN ABLE to do MORE than any of us could have prayed for or imagined.  Ephesians 3:20. 

My heart was so elated for her, but sadness was creeping as the enemy began to taunt me.  "You'll never share your story, because there is NO miracle to be found."  It was in that exact moment where I heard to strong steady voice of the HOLY SPIRIT, "That's because YOU'RE THE MIRACLE."  HE let me know that though we didn't get the answer to our prayers the way we had hoped for, we've SEEN miracle after miracle in our family, and as lovingly and gentle as HE has always been, HE began to walk me through just how much of a miracle I have witnessed of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS.  HE reminded me on our time spent together.  Where I would cry deep into HIS chest, where HE would lead me beside the still waters, and have me rest in the greenest pastures, as HE would RESTORE my soul.  Psalm 23 

Truly, I am THE MIRACLE, as the enemy attacked me over and over again, starting at the tender age of 2.5 in distorting the TRUTH, so that I would swallow the lies that were being breathed into my soul.  Lies that I couldn't trust anyone, that abandonment, betrayal, and jealousy would be a running theme in every single relationship of my life.  That one day, even after having lost my son, the comparison, the lies would begin to play as the broken record of my life.  In that moment JESUS would step in and rescue me and declare that I AM THE MIRACLE.  So, this leaves me where I am today, saying YES daily to JESUS.  Saying YES to HIS will, HIS way for my life.  Surrendering the pain and letting HIM into the grieving parts of me.  Allowing HIS soothing balm of HIS LIVING WATER to RESTORE me.  Saying YES has changed my life, has challenged me, strengthened me, and revived the once dead and buried PROMISES and TRUTH within me.  Perhaps this is HIS DEEPLY PERSONAL INVITATION that is just.for.you.  Maybe the miracle you've been praying for, waiting for is actually you.  The Renewal of your mind and the transformation of your heart. 

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

It's not what you know... It's WHO you know~

Very early in my walk with JESUS I learned the importance of not being spoon fed.  I didn't look to a Pastor or leader to teach me about JESUS, yet when I would read my bible, I would struggle to understand it.  For years I struggled to read HIS word consistently, all the while believing the lie that it wasn't really for me, that I would need someone to teach me. 

This was a theme that followed me for the first decade of my walk with JESUS, that is until I found myself in need of a breakthrough.  I wanted a mind, body, and soul transformation.  I remember where I was when I prayed for that, and I still remember that early morning on May 25,2013 when HE answered my prayer and thus my first round of heart work began, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was received.

In my struggle to understand how to apply GOD'S word to my life, I began to share my struggles openly online.  The response I got was overwhelmingly pointing me towards writing a blog to share what I was learning.  After praying and waiting a few days, HE set things in motion, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was born.  I remember typing my first post, wondering if it would make any difference at all.  Did I really have anything to contribute to the world when it came to sharing my faith.  Quite honestly, I was just beginning to learn what my faith was.  It's where HE began to create in me HIS FIRM FOUNDATION, it's where HE became the Cornerstone of my faith, and I began to learn HIS PROMISES.

Sixteen months later my faith would be tested to the maximum, and ultimately, I would be leveled, clinging only to HIS PROMISES unsure if I would even survive.  Looking back now all those years ago, I see the starting point at which HE met with me to teach, lead, and guide me.  Where HE filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE of WHO HE is, and that I was HIS.  TRUTH that I would cling to as the Tsunami of sorrow and grief ripped apart our families' lives.  Every relationship would be tested, as the lens of pain was the only thing I could see through, and as time move forward, I would learn just how far back that lens of pain went, and how it skewed my perception of pretty much everything I had ever known or thought to be true.

Still, no matter where my grief took me one thing remained, JESUS was steadfastly faithful to me.  HE NEVER left my side, I could cry out to HIM at any moment that I was hurting, and HE would answer, "I know I'M with you."  It was through my tears of the deepest sorrow where HE taught me to TRUST HIM, to depend ONLY on HIM.   It was in those moments of raw grief that I cried deep into HIS chest, and HE taught me I could lean back into HIS arms, as HE was ALWAYS with me.  I could turn my face into HIS chest as HE would wrap me safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS, and if all that weren't enough for me, HE would lead me right to HIS word and show me where HIS PROMISES were for me.  That I could apply ALL OF HIS PROMISES as HE so lovingly and patiently taught me that HIS PROMISES are indeed HOLY.  HE remained and proved to me over and over again that HE was my ONE TRUE CONSTSANT, that HE was the ONLY LIVING GOD in WHOM I could TRUST.  In WHOM I could truly depend on.  HE taught me how to not only TRUST in HIM, but also to forgive those who had seemingly failed me.  Whether it be in my grief, or even more in my childhood.  

Each morning, I was awakened to HIS mercies being made new as HE continued to fill me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE taught me how to TRUST HIM and show me how to "cast my cares upon HIM," and how "Come to ME all who are weary," could be applied to my life.  It was in those times of the deepest pain and sorrow that I learned WHO JESUS was and is for me.  HE loved me in a deeply personal way that only I could understand.  HE taught me how to pray in the SPIRIT, seek HIS wisdom, and how to receive discernment and what to do with it.

These days whenever I hear someone talk about GOD'S word, I'm keen to hear what isn't known, and most of the time it seems as though it's only knowledge of HIS word that seems most important to the flesh, when really, I've learned it's not really about WHAT you know... it's WHO you know.  I've learned that knowing GOD'S word isn't enough, that knowing JESUS is everything.  It's through your deeply personal relationship with THE MESSIAH, LORD and SAVIOR where you begin to understand the NEED for repentance.  It's where the desire to BE LIKE JESUS, LOOK LIKE JESUS, and LOVE LIKE JESUS is cultivated.  It's where I'm no longer interested in proving how much I know, rather being an expert witness of WHO I know HE is.  For I know full well I would have died so many times in my life had it not been for JESUS.  I would have given up after so many people of the CHIRSTIAN FAITH failed to love and support me like JESUS.  I know that had HE not taken the time to teach, lead and guide me to know HIS PROMISES are HOLY, how to cling to them as INFALLIABLE TRUTH, and how to apply them to my life I surely would have lost ALL HOPE.

Knowing JESUS has taught me, I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, HIS name is JESUS.  HE IS my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my LORD, my SAVIOR, my EVERYTHING.  TRULY I am living proof that THE LORD IS INDEED CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, Psalm 34:18

May you TRUST the LORD with ALL your heart, may you SEEK HIM, and may you find HIM- HE is waiting for you, to teach, lead, and guide you in a deeply personal way.  All you have to do is say, "JESUS please help me." and when you don't understand, well, HE has a plan for that too....

ALL FOR HIS GLORY~ 

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather

Surrender~

How did I end up here?  In this place where peace that surpasses all understanding is prevalent.  Where grief and joy co-exist.  Where I've finally accepted, well my heart has what my mind already knew.  Seth is gone; he now lives in Heaven and has since the worst day of my life.  Still when I think about that day, I realize it was Seth's best day, because it was his Homecoming, the day where our almost 2-year-old took the greatest journey with Angels and met JESUS face to face. It was the day that Seth stepped into HIS GLORY.   Oh yeah and that's new too.  We no longer dread the week of Seth's birthday, as it's now known as Seth's Homecoming.  For the past 5 years we've been celebrating his precious little yet larger than life.  We celebrate our sweet little Seth Daniel.  For me as Seth's Mama my compassion and empathy for those who are heartbroken has deepened.  It's been a journey for sure, one that took me into the deepest abyss of sorrow and pain.  Where I was plunged into the darkness, and found the sweetest peace and mercy, where I would be rescued and revived in a cascading waterfall of HIS endless grace.  It's where JESUS remained, steadfastly faithful and HIS Daily Teachings continued to flow in me, over me and through me.

Four years ago, this month I stepped into HIS calling for my life to devote my time, talent, and treasures to a ministry known as The Wellsprings of Freedom Ministry.  This ministry would prove to be instrumental in helping JESUS resurrect what died in me on October 13, 2014.   It's where I would receive immense healing and freedom to be HIS LIVING VESSEL to reach the brokenhearted.  It's where I would be equipped with HIS ARMOR, where I would learn "who" I was fighting, how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, and to remain FREE.  Daily I'm reminded to go into HIS word in Ephesians 6:10-20 and put on HIS full armor so that I will be able to withstand the evil day.  It's where JESUS met me in the mess of emotions and lies, I was in from the deep unexpected loss of my son.  It's where I would learn there were lies that were breathed into my soul from the time I could remember, known to me as the reoccurring "broken record" in my life.  It's the lies that had followed me around since.... well forever.  It's where I would learn that the enemy's greatest scheme and tactic to keep me trapped in a prison of his lies was to cultivate that same group of lies that had kept me bound and gagged for all of my life.  It's where I would break FREE from being held captive in plain sight.  It's where JESUS met me in the lies of betrayal abandonment, loneliness, sadness, sorrow, pain, guilt, shame, people pleasing, worthlessness, powerlessness, worry, doubt, envy, pride, anger, apathy, greed jealousy, and the list goes on.  It would take four years, and four personal Freedom Sessions just for me to set younger, innocent, traumatized me FREE.  In four sessions I met JESUS in a new and tangible way.  I received a new name, which I now write personally to HIM every single day.

One year ago, I came to a crossroads with my health.  I was suffering from the unhealthiness in my body, and as much as my mental health was improving, I was still attacked every single day with food noise, and every single day was a battle.  Through much prayer, support, and encouragement from both my doctor and my husband I decided that I would accept the tools of support for weight loss.  I'm now one year out and can say I'm 78lbs. down, I'm continuing to learn to how to eat for fuel. I'm learning the imperativeness in understanding consumption.  Not just through food, but through what my eyes see and my ears hear.  I'm learning that if it's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, then it isn't making me HOLY I'm learning that the only thing I NEED to consume is HIS DAILY BREAD, through the reading of HIS word, and praying to HIM in ALL things through ALL things.

Losing 78lb.s has been so freeing, but that isn't the most amazing part.  I'm also seven months medication free.  I no longer suffer from CPTSD, fibromyalgia pains, joint and muscle pain.  I no longer sleep with weighted blankets.  I no longer sleep in a trauma response fetal position with tight fists.  I no longer sleep for two hours at a time, I sleep the entire night and wake up feeling well rested and peaceful.  I have the most energy I've ever had in my life.  I'm actively serving within my church, attend regularly and enjoy this life I've been given.

For the past seven months I've been flooded with tangible reminders of HIS goodness, HIS steadfast faithfulness to me that HIS promises are HOLY.  That HE has remained with me; HE has caught and kept every single of my oceans of tears that I've cried because they are so very sacred to HIM.  HE'S reminded me over and over again, that HE is with me always, right there in the middle of my mess.  HE is making a way even when I can't SEE it.  HE has taught me how to pray, how to trust, how to speak, and most importantly how to wait.  TRULY I have SEEN, WITNESSED, EXPERIENCED, and LIVED HIS GOODNESSS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING Psalm 27:13-14

Surrender has brought me to the hardest heart work I've ever faced and that is a HOLY RESPONSE, learning to pray about what angers me, NOT vent what angers me. Surrendering my desire for revenge and want for JUSTICE in the way I "feel" is JUST.  I'm learning to TRUST HIM in ALL things, through ALL things, that VENEGENCE is TRULY HIS and HIS alone.  Surrender is a DAILY CHOICE I'm being given, never rushed, and just loved through.  HE knows what hurts me and why, what has been said.  HE knows what I've endured, and in my humanness, HE meets me, covers me in HIS grace, showers me in HIS mercy's sea, and LOVES me more than I could possibly imagine.

Finally, I'm learning that Salvation is a deeply personal choice given to each of us.  That JESUS will never rush, only remain steadfastly faithful to remind each of us in a deeply personal way that HE is for us, HE is there for us, and has amazing plans for each of us.  That the only question each of us has to answer is "will you trust JESUS, and allow HIM to be THE LORD AND SAVIOR of your life?"

ALL FOR HIS GLORY is why I write, why I've come back to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS blog.   

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

waiting for the moment to pass....

One of the hardest parts of going through child loss and learning to live life in the aftermath is how hard everything is.  Being five years in, I'm not struggling to breathe anymore, or worrying if I'll ever smile again, or whether or not I'll ever stop crying.  My struggles are dealing with the mundane while living with such deeply immense emotions about well basically everything.  Its as though what used to hurt me a little, rips away the scars that I have from losing my son.  What used to not really offend me can easily throw me off the deep end of my emotions. When that happens, it takes everything within to just keep holding on... waiting for the moment to pass.

Last night after pouring my heart out into my writing my heart was aching.  I was missing Seth something fierce, and to be honest I was angry in the missing.  I was angry that no one understands what it's like to miss your child who lives in heaven, well that is unless your a parent whose child lives in heaven... and in that case, my heart bleeds for yours as this pain is the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to go through, and I wouldn't wish this type of pain on even my worst enemy.

So much I hate that this pain that I live with daily is now a part of me, and I've learned to adapt to it... well for the most part that is.  However, there are times where the pain from the grief comes rushing at me in the form of agony, as I cry so much I feel myself splitting in half.  Crying to the point where I am sure that my chest will cave in at any moment.  Those moments I dread, I avoid... I hide from, and pray that they become less and less a part of my story.  Those moments crush me and lead me into the ocean of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  Those moments are where I am most vulnerable, and where my enemy preys on my weakness, and if I am not diligent, will take over my thoughts and lead me into the a sea of hopelessness.

Last night this is exactly what happened, and as I was driving to work this morning I began to walk through the truth of it all with HIM.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has led me to understanding, in being able to SHINE HIS LIGHT on the brokenness that I experience when the waves of agony strike.  HE has shown me what the enemy of my soul does in those moments where I can't think, or see beyond the loss... the missing, the desperation to just hold my son even for a moment longer.  HE has met me in my brokenness, sat in my grief with me, and cried tears of agony with me as I try in all of my capabilities to understand how... or why.  HE has assured me that HE is with me in all of it, leading me through the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the words, and the tears.  All for HIS purpose, for me to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to SHINE HIS LIGHT on child loss that even in that HE is still good, and when I choose to TRUST HIM HE WILL lead me to new life, full of new beginnings.  HE has also drenched me with HIS grace that sometimes it's not about me being strong in the grief, rather just breathing, and waiting for the moment to pass.

So much since this horrendous journey began I've wanted to be done.  I've wanted my time of suffering to end.  Even more so for my children's suffering to end.  As a little more of me dies having to watch each of my children mourn their brother.  How whenever we are together for family celebrations, vacations, and moments its still so painfully obvious that one of us is missing.  They know how much their Mama cries for their little brother and don't know what to say, how to pray, or how to help, so they just sit beside me... waiting... for the moment to pass.

D and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on the 17th of this month.  21 years of saying yes, that no matter what, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, we would love each other.  Through good times and bad, sickness and health, no matter how hard things would get we would still choose each other.  Both D and I wear new wedding rings as life has taken a toll on each of our health, and our original rings no longer fit.  My rings that I now wear mean more to me than the original rings, as it's been in the trenches, and surviving the aftermath of life's tough blows that we've decided, we've chosen to keep choosing each other.  It has been through navigating through child loss, the hardest thing parents will ever face in their marriage, that we have learned what our marriage vows really mean.  Through our promises to HIM and to each other that we will get through it, no matter what.  Yet at times, both of us coming undone, unsure how we can possibly survive another blow.  It's in those moments where we press in, deep into our FAITH, remember HIS promises, HIS FAITHFULNESS, breathe... all while waiting for the moment to pass.

So much I wish things were different.  I wish that Seth could be here, that pain and sorrow wouldn't be known to us.  However, I am grateful that we don't have to go through it alone.  I am thankful to know, to live, to experience that HE is indeed close to the broken hearted.  I am grateful that HE is making a way each new day that we are given, and we have the unique ability to sit with those who mourn, and mourn with them.  I am thankful that I have been given the gift to speak about child loss, and what walking with JESUS looks like all the while struggling to TRUST that HE does have my best interest at heart.  I am thankful that I have been created SET APART to be transparent in my FAITH, in sharing my struggles as well as my triumphs.

So much Dear One's my prayer for you today is that if today finds you drenched in sorrow, that you will breathe and know HE is with you.  I pray for courage for you to stand, to walk the narrow path no matter how hard it may be.  I pray for you to be drenched in HIS grace that if you need to sit down to be able to breathe, you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that it's okay to not be okay, and sometimes the only way through the hard parts of life is to just rest... and wait for the moment to pass.  My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, today I pray for you to press deep into your faith, proclaiming HIS PROMISES for your life, and that you will come to know HIM as I have, and that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather



  

healing through tears....

So many tears have been shed today as I have sought HIM to be broken open so that HE would be able to SHINE HIS light on my shame that has been buried in the darkest parts of my soul.  Shame that was first placed on me at an age where I couldn't even possibly express myself.  My earliest recollection of abuse is from when I was 2.5 years old.  Abuse that lasted until I was four years old, only to leave one abusive home, and be led straight into hell on earth.

By the time I was four years old, all of my innocence had been stolen.  The abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather began, that would carry through till I turn fifteen years old.  Yesterday while sitting in my therapists office, I recalled when it all began.  How I felt, what my emotions were like, and in the safety of her office, I found myself sitting in the bathroom on that dreary, rainy afternoon.  

I will never forget how confused I felt, and couldn't understand his praises to me, praises that would teach me, would show me, that unless I was all the things that he wanted me to be, I was bad.  Praises that led me to see myself as worthless, bad, and a disappointment until I did what I was told.  Praises that set the tone for my self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of belonging for the rest of my childhood, and into my adulthood.

Lies that brought about massive self-destruction in my life, destroyed any confidence in people, and  destroyed relationships with those who truly did love me, and ultimately led me straight into death's vice grip.  Thankfully as you know HE stepped in and rescued me, through my two precious little girls when I was just 23 years old.  I couldn't fathom leaving my little girls behind, but all I knew was I needed help, and clung desperately to the hope that I would find someone to help me.

Two short years later, through a devastating miscarriage of my third child, HE radically changed my life, and on my 25th birthday I gave my life to JESUS.  A decision that I have yet to regret.  A decision that has redeemed me from the guilt of wanting to give up my life to this world, to die, to leave this world that has wrecked me.  HE saved me from death's evil clutches and blessed me with four more children.  

Through each season of growing I went through unbearable heartache, change, and growth ALL for HIS glory, to ultimately HE had me forgive my step-grandfather for abusing me from the time that I was four years old until I was fifteen years old.  Forgiveness that set me free from bitterness, lies, nightmares, and flashbacks.  Freedom in HIM was my story.  

I began to share my story of freedom in HIM, convinced that was my time of suffering.  Throughout the next ten years HE would lead me on a journey of forgiving, and rebuking lies from many people in my life.  Each time bringing me closer to HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me that HE was indeed trustworthy.  With each new step of obedience that I found myself taking with HIM, I was convinced that I was doing all that HE had intended for me.  

The more I soaked in HIS word, the more I was convinced that my family and myself were protected under HIS blood, as I was Faithfully serving, following, and obeying HIM.  All the way until the morning of October 13, 2014 where I stood in my office with my son, where I pledged my life to HIM, I stood arms held high, heart abandoned, ALL in.... no matter what.

Looking back to that moment, it wasn't hard for me to give HIM ALL of me, as HE had proven HIMSELF trustworthy to me.  I didn't doubt HIM that HE was for me, and I couldn't wait to SEE to experience what HE was going to do in me, through me, and for me.  I was honored to BE HIS living vessel, HIS messenger of light.  I was so sure that I understood what HE was asking of me..... until....

I found myself drowning in agony.... in the darkest ocean of despair, feeling so incredibly and overwhelmingly hopeless, and helpless.  I was shattered beyond recognition, I couldn't even breathe, my soul cried out for me, I didn't even have to try, I trembled with pain... tears of immense sorrow pooled as oceans at my feet, drowning me to the point where I couldn't even hold my head up anymore.  

For months I was barely hanging on, I was drowning, dying from weariness, sorrow, pain, and the most overwhelming grief I had ever known.  I was done living for HIM, I had given into the life of surviving and had given up that any relief would ever come.  Until HE reached down, lifted me out of my pit of despair, brought me to the shore.... and had me rest for almost a year.   Medication that would shut down my brain to keep it from thinking, from feeling, from doing anything but resting.  Rest that caused me to sleep... a lot..... to cry a lot.... to stare off into nothing a lot.  Rest that would keep me from living life as a Mama of six beautiful blessings.  Rest that would hinder me from being able to read HIS word, to journal my feelings, and my devastating reality.  Rest that would eventually lead me to feelings of "restless"  a longing was crying from my soul.  Longing for life to be lived, to be experienced.  Longing for any semblance of who I used to be.

A longing that has led me straight to where I HE found me today.  I have begun the next chapter of my journey in learning how to THRIVE in my life, through FREEDOM in CHRIST JESUS, all because JESUS DID, and HE IS.  Reading Christine Caine's Unashamed is as if I were looking inside the soul of my 4, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 26 year old self.  The lies that were repeatedly whispered into my soul.  Today in JESUS name I rebuked those lies of shame as HE lovingly began to break open the hidden wounds of my soul, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my hidden shame.  

I have spent the entire day reading only the inside cover, introduction, and first chapter.  penning my thoughts, pouring my heart out as memories came flooding out, lies of shame, bondages that were made long before I could even begin to understand what I was agreeing to.  Today has begun a journey of the little girl wounded being rescued by her REDEEMER.  Today I have begun to take the steps to learn, as HE takes me on a journey of learning to LIVE in HIS FREEDOM which will ultimately lead me to THRIVE in this one life that I have been given.

Today I have so much healing through my tears in learning to let go, letting out all the pain, sorrow, and shame that I've buried, kept hidden for so long.  I have ugly cried for my younger versions of myself as HE has lovingly broken me open to receive HIS healing grace.  Today I have come alongside of my younger self as a loving Mama and loved those broken parts of me.  Pieces of me have come to the surface, memories of the most defining moments of my life, that have shaped me, that have given me the vision of who I am.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

10/27/19- I wrote this last year, feeling as if though I shouldn't share it, as it was just me feeling sorry for myself, as I now know this was just the enemy keeping the shame on me, and today I'm lifting the shame off me. ~ I truly believe when we pray for a breakthrough, HE will take us through it, I've seen HIM move mountains, and I believe I WILL SEE HIM DO IT AGAIN.

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather

Back to Where it All Began....

So much has happened in the last 1.5 years.  September 2018 I started working full-time for the first time in 15 years as a stay at home mom.  Unsure if I was taking the right steps, HE began to lead me through my first year working full time.  Steps towards healing that revealed a huge source of deep pain for me.  In the same time my second oldest moved out of our home.  Another step in forced change.  Forced to accept, and embrace, and left me feeling as though my broken heart was exposed once again.  I struggle to even write what this past year has been like, as I'm not in a good place right now.  To be brutally honest, I am hating life right now.  I'm hating how difficult it's all become, and though I can still SEE that HE is good, and how far I've come, I am crushed by my reality.  My crushing reality that my now almost four year old doesn't ever want Mama, and only wants her siblings, and her daddy.  I am crushed that I had to fight so hard to come back as Mama, and now that I have I don't feel like there is a place for me within our family.   I'm struggling at being Mama. I'm struggling at being content.  I'm struggling to even just be.

This past week we went back to TN for a family vacation.  I had been praying for family resolution, and for relationships to be restored.  I was praying for a breakthrough as Mama, for my purpose to be revealed.  For my soul to be set on fire once again, to be filled with passion to share HIS word, and was found sitting on the edge of a mountain, drenched in tears as I was anything but content, or on fire, or feeling any sort of purpose at all.  My heart was aching for my son, as it's now been five years, too many to still be crying according to this world.  Five years of missing a part of me, five years that I've struggled to survive.

This past year has been a massive struggle to TRUST to know... to believe... to press into my faith.  In February D and I drove with our crew to GA to say goodbye to my dad as he wasn't doing well.  A month later he went into Hospice care.  April came and was almost over, and our youngest became extremely ill, and had to be rushed to a Children's Hospital in severe respiratory distress.  All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as the doctors and nurses fought to save her.  Tears too afraid to even fall, welled up in my eyes, as words failed.... I cried out to HIM, "JESUS , JESUS, JESUS, JESUS" for over an hour.  Thankfully she was healed.... here, and I survived another test... another trial through the fire... to hold on, and press into my faith.

One week later in  May we had to say goodbye to my dad.. as another piece of my heart went to heaven.  My last words to him were, "Kiss Seth for me, hug him for me daddy."  I struggled to breathe the night the phone call came, as I knew... I cried myself to sleep, and got up and went to work the next morning.  Going to work as if nothing had changed, nothing was hard, nothing hurt, and I was fine.  When inside I was screaming from the pain, as the crushing reality set in, my Dad, like Seth... was now gone.... gone.... until my time for forever would begin.

After my Dad's celebration of life, I struggled to keep moving forward, mostly because I was hating how things were in my life.  I wanted to call my dad, and cry to him, like I had done when Seth died, and was brutally ripped from our lives.  I went back to work, and tried my best to keep positive thoughts, and push through the hard.

For months I've struggled with feeling like a failure that even though I know how much good HE has done in my life, I'm still hurting, and unable to keep moving forward believing for more in this life for myself.  So much this afternoon I was reading how to survive feeling as if there is no purpose for your life only to merely survive.  As tears streamed from my eyes, the words, "no one cares" spilled from my lips... and brought me straight into HIS waiting arms.

Grief and Loss have taught me that no one is really ever equipped to handle all of your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your agony, your doubt, your disbelief.... well no one except HIM.  So all of this leads me to here right now, me sitting at the computer I haven't sat at since Seth died.  Typing on the same keyboard that birthed this blog.  Spilling out my feelings into words, in hopes that what HE is telling me will sink deep into the darkest spaces of my heart.  Writing what life after loss is really like, and how JESUS will be enough to help you get through to the next moment.  How HIS breath in your lungs will enable you to breathe when your breath is taken away.  How praying won't just make everything better, but will open the gateway from your head to your heart to where heart work will take place.  How when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE is with us.  HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT for us to SEE... to survive, and to eventually THRIVE.    I have learned that grief and love go hand in hand, as where there was deep love, there is an even greater loss because it is love that has nowhere to go.  Loss that has to be... needs to be healed.  Loss that only when your heart is willing to admit, to feel, can be healed from the inside out.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has awakened my soul once again in leading me back to where it all began.  A day much like today, where feelings of failure, and no purpose, as if my family would be better off without me.  A day where I was desperate for a breakthrough.  Desperate for purpose, for passion, for life giving change.  The song "Reckless Love" plays in the background:

"There's no shadow YOU won't light up
Mountain YOU won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall YOU won't kick down
Lie YOU won't tear down
Coming after me

Once again HE has captured my heart, and has met me in the brokenness of child loss.  HE has caught my tears as I've cried to the end of my soul asking once again... "how could you break my heart so badly?  How all of this change, struggle, and pain really be a part of YOUR plan.  How will you mend this, make this for good, restore this, how LORD... and please LORD help me with my unbelief.  Give me the passion, the courage, the determination to keep stepping out, stepping up, and SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS WHO YOU ARE."

Dear One's,

Grief and Loss have changed me, and HIS love has healed me enough... to do what I need for this moment.  I pray that if you too are struggling through grief and loss that you will know that you are NOT alone.  I pray that you will feel yourself being wrapped in HIS mighty wings and will hear HIS voice speaking HIS promises to you that HE is indeed making a way.  Hold Fast Dear Hearts, HE'S in this with you.  HE can handle your anger, your hatred, your disbelief, your jealousy, your bitterness, all.of.it.  HE can handle, and is in it with you, and will help you.  So much my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS I pray that you will come to know HIM as the GOD of COMFORT, WHO comforts us, so that we may comfort others.  Breathe and know Dear One's that you are loved.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather

New blog

New life... SEE HE'S doing a new thing.... new perspective.... heavenly perspective.....

www.survivorsshore.blogspot.com

This is life as I know it.... on the survivors shore.

tremble....

As I picked up my pen this morning and began to pour my heart out to HIM, I couldn't have imagined what HE had prepared for me today to experience.  Even as I wrote LORD JESUS YOU have all my attention.  I just want to be with YOU.  Fill me with YOUR peace LORD, I need YOU always, I'm astonished in the way that HE has led me today.  I am overwhelmed by HIS endless mercies, and relentless pursuit for me to experience HIS unfailing love.

The weather here in Chicago is that of winter today.  An ice storm to be exact, and to be honest when I looked outside and saw that it was snowing once again, I was overcome by sadness.  Longing for new life, Spring, and to top it off it wasn't just snow, rather ice too.  Almost two inches of ice on our cars to be exact.   Enough ice for D to be questioning whether or not we should be driving on the roads, and that would mean missing church.

Determined not to let even the weather keep me from hearing HIS word today, I chose to RISK it all for HIM.  I knew I needed to be at church, but I didn't quite know why.  Well I can tell you now that I'm home and have just finished 30 minutes of crying, I am so thankful that I decided HE was worth the RISK.  

As I made my way to my seat, I was stopped by several people hugging me, and letting me know that they were proud of me for sharing my story on Friday night.  Humbled by what HE is doing in my life, I thanked them, and secretly just kept saying, "thank you JESUS."  Finally I reached my seat, and no sooner was I seated, my dear soul sister J came to give me a hug, and congratulate me on my bravery.  She too is on a journey of discovery her story as a part of HIS story.  After another hug the band came onto the stage and began to play the first worship song.

The second song we sang was of course "Cornerstone" and instead of tears, I was overcome by just emotion that made my knees weak, as gratefulness, and thankfulness poured out of my heart.  The next song though... took my breath away, and opened the floodgates of complete awe.  "Tremble" by Mosiac MSC leveled me.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness tremble, JESUS JESUS YOU silence fear"  I was lead back to the darkest moments of my life, and in remembering those moments the next part of the song made my tears fall like rain.  "YOUR NAME IS A LIGHT that the shadows can't deny, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME.  YOUR NAME IS ALIVE, FOREVER LIFTED HIGH, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME."  I was crying so hard, I could hardly hold my arms up anymore, as I couldn't reach high enough in my PRAISE and thanks to HIM for all HE has done for me.  Just to be in complete awe of all HE has done, is doing, and knowing, and expecting HIM to keep doing through me, in me, and for me, all for HIS purpose.  It's all so overwhelming.

The message at church today was the second of the series called "valleys."  Today was focusing on our posture in the valley.  How the apostle Paul shared about he celebrates in his weakness, for when he is weak that is when he is strong.  Meaning that in his own weakness, he's in the perfect posture to receive GOD'S amazing grace, and through HIS grace he is given the LORDS strength.  This for me is so very true, as I can tell you that even the simplest of tasks have become so tremendously difficult for me, as I have been so weakened in this valley that I am walking in.  

Ocean living completely obliterated all strength that I once had, and HE had to rebuild me, starting with teaching me how to breathe.  In my darkest hours, I even forgot how to breathe, as the agony I was in took my breath away, and if let up to me I wouldn't have breathed again, as holding my hand on my son's chest to see if he was breathing was enough to make me want to die.  The pain was unbearable, but HIS love was greater than the devastation, the agony that I was feeling, and in was in that moment that HE breathed into my lungs again, to help me cry out for help.  I struggled to find my voice in those first few moments, so much that my children didn't really think anything was wrong, as my breath had been stolen out of me.  HE gave me breath when the darkness surrounded me.  HIS love OVERCAME the darkness, reached into me, and gave me the will to keep living.

I was taken back to those moments this morning while singing this song.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness TREMBLE," and I was so overcome with emotion in realizing just how far HE has brought me out of the darkness.  Throughout the message I could feel HIM filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows exactly where I am, and what I am struggling with.  The fears that I have in my heart, that I'm even too afraid to admit to.  One being, asking for a vision of my son in Heaven.... for a word of what life is like for him now.  Without me even asking, or breathing a word, a desire, HE met me, and filled me with TRUE HOPE that HE is in the details of every single step I am taking. 

Today HE took me back to Seth's birthday, the day that we planned his celebration of life service, and we chose James 1:17 for the verse to celebrate Seth's life.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

In a conversation with a new sister in CHRIST JESUS S, and my dear soul sister V we were discussing Seth's headstone.  Which I am in the process of designing with V, as her sweet family have graciously offered to purchase for us.  Their family have overwhelmed us all with HIS unfailing love and support.  V was the person chosen to walk with me through this next step in healing and recovery in visiting Seth's grave.  She has a gift, HIS vision to SEE beauty in the eternal life that we can celebrate in cemeteries.  Not only that, but she has been given the ability to speak of HIS overwhelming PEACE that meets us in the quiet and stillness of visiting our loved one's grave.  Honestly at first I was totally freaked out about viewing Seth's grave, but overtime, I know that it has been through HIS amazing love that I too have been given the wisdom as to WHY Seth's grave needs a headstone.

HE knows that my greatest fear is Seth being forgotten by this world.  HE knows that it pains me to my core that Seth's name is rarely spoken, and for even the people who knew him, I fear that they too will forget him.  HE is letting me know that just as I was chosen to be Seth's Mama in this life, I've also been entrusted to let his name be made known, his story be made known in this world.  

HE knows how much the darkness of sadness that keeps me from taking steps, and HE has ensured that I will know that I am never alone, HE is always with me, and HE has aligned all of the support, love, and help that I am needed to take each of these tremendously difficult steps in healing and recovery.

Finally I was completely overwhelmed by HIS goodness and mercy as my new friend S gave me a prophetic word from her friend, (as she told her about me, my story, and my sweet Seth Daniel.)  When I received her friends word for not only me, but for Seth too, I cried as hard as I did the day that I lost him.... the type of cry that you feel the end of yourself.  You feel as though you may break in half.  The only difference today was a healing cry, a cry of relief, as HE has stepped into the darkness that has kept me locked in fear, and has made that darkness tremble.  

"Seth, one that sees me as I truly am all truth and all love has been revealed to him.  HE walks in the garden of my love and my grace where all things contain the light of his God and his King.  I say all the beauty and splendor of his God and his King for behold I make all things new and all that resides deep in his heart now belong to the Father of Lights I say. And I say he is full of all I am yes, my child all."

This all leaves me feeling, and knowing that HE truly is in all the details.  HE knew we would choose the verse of James 1:17 and HE knew the prophetic word we would receive, and HE knew what that would mean for me.  HE knew that ONLY in HIS timing, even though I "thought" I was ready before now, HE knew better for me.  HE met me right where I was today, in ALL of HIS SPLENDOR, GLORY, and GRACE, and let me know that HE was then, and still is now, "JESUS JESUS YOU MAKE THE DARKNESS TREMBLE."  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, dear ones, I pray for your hearts in this very moment that JESUS JESUS is with you always.  That the fear that has gripped your heart, HE knows, HE cares, and HE is there ready to silence all of your fears.  I pray my sweet friends that you will lean in, press in, and allow HIM to lead you in whatever valley you have found yourself in.  I pray that if you too are in the ocean of sorrow, cling to HIM dear one, HE'S got you, HE will hold you steadfast in HIS mighty hands.

Always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather