Built for TRUTH...

Built for TRUTH... has been all consuming in my heart lately.  HIS DAILY BREAD for me today is HIM filling me with discernment that I've only received through surrender.  Letting go of my judgements, perspectives, letting down my walls of pride that have kept me from SEEING HIS TRUTH.  Surrender of the feelings of unforgiveness that I feel rightly to have.  HE is letting me know, that the very unforgiveness that I am holding onto is keeping me from the healing HE has for me.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is revealing the importance for me to have open-hearted faith so that I will be readily available to do the very things HE has planned for my life.  HE is letting me know the pre-requisites to having an open-hearted faith are a willingness to let go, to surrender, to be ready to love as JESUS loves, and to allow HIM to soften my heart (even when I disagree).  

Pride, well that has tripped me up for so long.  This is because of the layers of self-protection I have worn since I was 2.5 and didn't take off until I turned 48.  Self-Protective layers that I needed at the time but don't serve any purpose for me now in the chapter of my life I am living with JESUS.  In letting go and allowing HIM to open my spiritual eyes to SEE (open-hearted faith) I am reminded of why HE has so lovingly taken so much time preparing me every step of the way through learning and understanding of the imperativeness of a HOLY RESPONSE in the conflict, confusion, and division in my life.

I am learning, and well my awareness is increasing daily that I'll be learning until either JESUS comes back, or I am called HOME to BE with JESUS, Philippians 1:6.  That if I am waiting for the moment for heart work to cease in my life, well that just isn't going to happen, for as long as I am breathing, I NEED JESUS.  I NEED HIM not only to BE my SAVIOR, but my LORD.  I NEED HIM to help me understand that I was built - created for HIS TRUTH.  HIS TRUTH IS:  ALL OF HIS KIDS- you, me, we were ALL BUILT for TRUTH, NOT to swallow the lies of the enemy, Ephesians 2:20-21

HIS TRUTH IS reminding me once again that I was NOT given a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND, 2 Timothy 1:7.  The enemy schemes ALL of the time to take me out.  To trip me up in pride, judgement, animosity, bitterness, jealousy, anger, hatred, and unforgiveness.  This is because relationally for most of my life that same lie that was breathed into my soul, was cultivated over and over again in every season, every stage, every chapter of my life.  It's where I can look back on my life and the villain's I "thought" I had, all have the same characteristics, same personality, and a common theme of the attacks came in the same manner.  Attacking my self-esteem, self-worth, increased the intensity of loneliness, being forgotten, unwanted, unworthy, unlovable, too much, and not enough.  In the attacks, the schemes the enemy successfully tricked me into believing isolation was the ONLY way to avoid another level of betrayal in my life.  

I spent most of my life until 4 years ago swallowing lies, and it wasn't until HE began to teach me how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR did, I learn to fight.  Did I learn WHO I was fighting.  It wasn't until then that I learned the upmost importance and power in PRAYING in HIS MIGHTY and HOLY name, JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH.  In putting on HIS ARMOR daily HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over my life, cutting out the lies at the root, as people pleasing was one of the deepest-rooted lies in my life.  As part of my self-protection was NOT to draw unwanted attention to myself, do my absolute best to stay under the radar.  To avoid conflict at all costs.  That is until my eyes were opened to SEE the lies that I was swallowing daily, that skewed my perspective for living and kept me from SEEING with a FRESH HEAVENLY PERSPECTIVE, which has ALWAYS been HIS TRUTH.

Conflict has invaded my everyday life, even in my own family.  Division, destruction and estrangement have become our reality.  That the attacks against me weren't enough for the enemy, he began to target my family.  Those whom my heart bleeds for in their loss, their grief, their struggles, their storms of life.  I'm watching from the sidelines, praying, waiting for HIM to rescue those who have fallen prey to the enemies lies and schemes.  All the while praying to keep my eyes opened to SEE, to never just assume, but to prayerfully seek HIS TRUTH always.  Even so boldly praying that HE would help me to accept HIS TRUTH even if it's devastating, even if it's hard.  Praying daily to have, to keep my resolve for a HOLY RESPONSE, that even when it hurts, even if it isn't true, not reacting, rather giving HIM ALL my emotions, feelings of anger, hurt, and overwhelming sadness.  

Life hasn't gotten easier; I've just gotten stronger because of JESUS.  Because of HIS strength poured over me, in me, and flowing through me.  It's because of HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE, HIS HOLY PROMISES that HE has kept steadfastly faithful to me, for me.  It's because I am learning I was Built for HIS TRUTH and am never expected by HIM to swallow the lies just to keep the peace.  Rather to speak boldly HIS TRUTH in love, to step way, stand aside, take a HOLY RESPONSE posture of grace and humility.  To wait for JESUS, to allow HIM to lead me.  As HE is after all the Author and Perfector of my FAITH, Hebrews 12:2

Dear Ones,

HE knows, HE understands why, what happened, what was said to you, gossiped about you.  HE knows the slander against you and what you have slandered in response to theirs.  HE knows what's transpired and has heard all the conversations that you weren't privy to.  HE knows the healing, the apologies that you long for.  HE knows the restoration, the renewal, the redeeming HE has planned for your life.  HE knows who you are missing, how much your heart is hurting.  HE knows, HE cares, HE is with you.  HE has NEVER left you, nor has HE ever forsaken you.  You, Dear One, are NOT alone, your name is etched in HIS hands, HE has you, HE has good and amazing plans for your life.  

HOPE HAS A NAME, HIS NAME IS JESUS

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With much love, compassion, kindness, humility, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

FREE

 For as long as I can remember I longed to be FREE from painful rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, CPTSD, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, people pleasing are just to name a few.  A few.... just typing them out I can remember how battle weary I was.  I can remember the tears I cried, the prayers I prayed, and how helpless, powerless, and hopeless my feelings were that I tried so hard to fight through.

I remember attending church as an observer, not participating in anything other than worship.  Honestly, I remember sitting in my seat week after week silently loathing anyone that was happy or smiling.  I loathed the "helpful" people as I was beyond depressed.  I wanted so badly to be FREE from suffering.  I longed to know a life outside of TRAUMA.  I would leave week after week feeling worse than I did when I arrived, and eventually I had banked up enough terrible rotten, no-good Sundays, and just ordinary days that I gave up on being with people outside of my family and small circle of people who I could trust.

My days consisted of sarcasm just to cope with the harsh reality that was my life.  Binge watching TV that wasn't anything like my life became my focus.  I took my medication like clockwork and gave into the realization that my life was as good as it would ever get, I was trapped in a cycle of the highest of highs in the rare moments, and when I would crash, it would be through self-destruction.  

It never failed that I would have a good few days, then every once in a while, weeks, and then I'd find myself on the battlefield fighting for my life.  What I didn't realize then was the only way I was able to have a "good" day was through avoidance.  Being absent from my own life was the only way I knew how to survive.  I wanted so desperately to understand the meaning behind my story, and more than anything I just wanted to be FREE.

Seven months ago, I became medication FREE, and little did I know at the time that HE was up to something BIG.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized just how BIG.  For the past seven months I've been set FREE from CPTSD, hypervigilance, rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and people pleasing. It was during a moment of intercessory for someone else in need to be set FREE did I realize that HE set me FREE from far more than I could have ever hoped or asked for.

HE revealed to me this morning HIS TRUTH, that HE knew just how timid and afraid I was to ask to be set FREE from all of those things, so I stayed small on my list of need to be set FREE from.  HE let me know that HE will NEVER grow tired of meeting my needs.  HE pulled me even closer still, wrapping me up in HIS arms, and there I remained.  Safe in the shadow of HIS mighty wings.  This was a deeply familiar place for me to be.   As it was there that I received the most life changing comfort in the deep loss of my son.  It was in HIS arms that I learned I could TRUST HIM with my tears, and I could cry deep into HIS chest.  

This morning HE reminded me that even though I've been set FREE from so many lies of oppression, HE knows that I still NEED HIM.  HE reminded me that I was created on purpose to NEED HIM.  That it was never the plan for me to do anything by myself, That HIS plans for my life include even more moments of me being set FREE by HIS TRUTH.  HE wanted me to know that when I discover even more of HIS truth for myself, HE'S grinning from ear to ear as HE is so proud of me.  HE is reminding me of my new name HE gave me, Ravah (immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT) is a constant continual tangible reminder for me to remember HE is for me, NEVER against me.  That HE is my ABBA, my GOOD SHEPHERED, my FATHER OF GOOD GIFTS, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my CHAMPION, my LORD and SAVIOR, my LIVING HOPE, my JESUS.

My JESUS story is how I was set FREE to pray, to intercede on behalf of the souls I encounter who too are being held in bondage through lies of oppression.  To pray on their behalf because I recognize the lies, and the emotions wrapped up in lies.  The self-destruction, confusion, division, and isolation that takes over a battle-weary soul.  It is an honor and a privilege to sit with someone whose story feels too much, or not good enough.  To someone who has gone their whole life feeling unseen, unloved, unknown, and unwanted, is so very battle-weary, on the battlefield unsure of what they're even fighting for.   

This was me; I knew how to put on the ARMOR OF GOD, I just didn't understand who or what my enemies were.  It was JESUS fighting for me, setting me FREE that has empowered me to speak boldly, to pray earnestly, and ceaselessly for myself and others. It's where I've learned how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Ephesians 6:10-20 It's where I've learned about HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for DIVINE PROTECTION, Psalm 91.

Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if any of this resonates with you, my prayer is that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM.  If you are unsure of your relationship with JESUS, cry out to HIM, "JESUS PLEASE HELP ME."  HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to set you FREE, to heal you, to help you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE, Jeremiah 29:11.   I know you may be thinking, "Heather you just don't understand."  You might be right, but what I do know is that even when the people in our lives fail us, JESUS NEVER will.  HIS plans are so good.  HE is kind, compassionate, and gentle.  HE won't rush you, HE will help you understand, and in the times where you are struggling to understand, or you're mad at HIM, well Dear Ones, HE has a plan for that too. TRUST HIM, HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, that indeed then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE, John 8:32,36

As always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

catch.... release....

So much I just miss my son.  So much I miss not hearing his name in this world.  My world was silenced in the most deafening way on October 13, 2014.  Not hearing his voice, seeing his smile, his footsteps running into my room... his little hands reaching for me.  It wasn't long enough for me to outgrow his little hands.  We didn't get the time together to prepare my heart for him to not need me anymore.  He left before my heart knew, my arms knew how to be without him.  

Soon it will be 12 years since my son was ripped from my arms and my life. 12 years of crying and missing him.  Wondering what he would be like.  How tall he would be.  Would his hair be long like his big brother??  What would life have been like raising two rambunctious little boys?  I was ready for that; I was so excited to watch my boys grow up together.  It was fall and the boys were so excited for Halloween, trick or treating, and fun family days at the Amusement Park.  Our family fun days came to a sudden halt.  Tears replaced smiles... silence replaced laughter... the light in our family was gone.  Total devastation was all there was to see.  The more time went by, the more real the pain was felt.  The more the shattering of each of our hearts was made known.

12 years and I still dread grief triggers.  12 years and every time the grief bubbles up and the tears pour out of my eyes, I brace myself.  I pray, cry, and wait for the grief wave to level out.  But in the aftermath, the pain is still there.  There isn't a moment of better when it comes to missing Seth.  There isn't any at least moments to be found.  Because for the rest of my life Seth will be in Heaven, and I'll cry, grieve, and miss him fiercely.

Grief Triggers have become the hardest moments of giving myself grace to cry.  I struggle to not be triggered when someone speaks about Suffering in what I perceive as lame.  As the suffering that I've endured has been life altering.  Changing every single thing I ever knew how to do... even breathing.  Irrevocable change has forever scarred each one of OG family.  And to those who joined our family n the aftermath, well I so desperately wish they could have known Seth.  Especially his little sister Joy.  And then that leads me to another moment of catch... release... knowing that had we not lost Seth, we wouldn't have Joy, and I want both and it isn't fair to have to choose.  The thought of losing them both, is unbearable and makes me cry.  

Forgiveness towards those who've said hurtful things pertaining to my grieving Seth over the last almost 12 years has proven to be a tough challenge.  Every single time I "think" I've finally let go of unforgiveness; it's always revealed there is residual pain that lingers.  It's in those moments that take me right down to my knees, where I'm so angry all over again, and all I can do is to "let it hurt."  Let the pain out, so that HIS healing can come in.  It's in those vulnerable moments where I've let my guard down, and my strength is depleted.  It's where HE has taught me to cry deep into HIS chest because HE knows how much I am hurting.  HE knows how desperately I am missing Seth.

It's not lost on me that the new school year starts next month, and fall will follow shortly thereafter.  I wish so badly that I could say I'm finally done grieving, but then as a loving sister in CHRIST JESUS reminded me then that would mean I don't think about him ever and that would be even more tragic than me losing him.  Missing Seth is the hardest thing I've had to learn how to do.  Continuously living my life not knowing my son anymore and having to tell the world about him.  When really all the world just wants me to forget, to move on, and just be content with knowing he's in heaven and I'll see him again one day.  To that I say, "well that's crap." As if you'd allow yourself to imagine not seeing your child anymore.  That your time with them would just be over.  That all your hopes, dreams, and prayers were just over... with nowhere to go but through your tears.  Your tears would become your food, everything would change, even your breathing.  That everyone in your world just expect you to just accept your child's death and move on.  Your life will feel like the worst dream, a living nightmare that you can't wake up from.  That you'll be the newest member of the most horrific club that is every parent's worst nightmare.

If only has become the cry of my broken mama heart.  If only I had known how that day would end up.  If only I had known what I would have done differently.  If only I had known, I'd memorize his little laugh, his sing songy voice... his smile... his hands.  Oh, his little hands, how I miss his little hands... and then it hits me he wouldn't be little anymore, and I have to capture the anger in those thoughts, give them to JESUS, and let HIM comfort me in the sadness of deep loss.  Catch.... release.... when the pain hits, the thoughts flood, the missing is fierce... I let JESUS in... and release all the emotions tied to my thoughts. 

Today has been a day of reflection of the past few days of tears.  My heart is aching, the missing just hurts... so much...  just miss Seth... my son... Mama's Teff... my sweet Seth Daniel.... I grieve for the years I've cried, and I then I thank JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me.  For if not for JESUS I surely would have died from my broken heart.  HE TRULY is CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, and every single day HE meets me, gives me my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD and comforts me in only a way HE can. 

Life after loss.... I'm learning is full of moments that take my breath way, and all I need to remember is catch.... release....

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Speak Boldly

Long before the dawn HE calls from within the HEAVENS for me to rise and meet with HIM.  Sometimes it's just so that I will receive the opportunity to pray for someone that HE places on my heart, and other times it's because HE wants me to awaken to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  It's in those times where I make my way to the HOLY QUIET PLACE where HE has taught me to begin our time together with me praying the way JESUS taught me.  Through the LORDS prayer, Matthew 6:9-13, in a deeply personal way that pertains only to my testimony, my relationship with JESUS. Then HE leads me to putting on HIS FULL ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20.  

It has been through HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me to why it is imperative that I PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily, that I am learning more about Saul who became the Apostle Paul.  In Paul's own words he asks for prayer for the LORD'S message to be given to him.  For him to receive the LORDS message whenever he speaks, and for him to make known with BOLDNESS the mystery of THE GOSPEL.  I'm learning the reason Paul prayed for this very ask was because he was an ambassador in chains, meaning he was imprisoned for sharing THE GOSPEL for CHRIST JESUS.  He needed strength, and courage to speak boldly even though he was imprisoned for that very reason.  

In the past four years my prayer life has increased.  I've experienced HIS steadfast faithfulness to me and started to SEE my life, THROUGH MY FATHER'S EYES.  I've witnessed miracles that I can't explain in any other words but the GRACE OF GOD.  I've watched HIM level mountains, and empty oceans in my life just to reach me.  I've walked beside HIS STILL WATERS, and I've rested in HIS LOVING ARMS in the GREENEST PASTURES.  Truly HE has restored my soul, Psalm 23:2-3.  So much that I've become bolder in writing my testimony, in sharing my JESUS STORY.  

I remember years ago when HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was about TRUE CONFIDENCE.  I remember thinking and feeling discouraged if I'd ever get to the point where I could share my JESUS story, and that was because I didn't understand the difference between my personal story and my JESUS story.  Well I can confidently say and speak boldly HIS TRUTH, that my personal story is reserved for only a few people whom I will encounter in this life.  However, my JESUS story, well that is for everyone to hear to know.  In knowing that I've felt led back to writing and posting on this blog.  Not so that I may boast, rather to speak boldly... ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

In order for me to speak boldly I MUST first take EVERY single thought captive.  I must PRAY for DISCERNMENT and WISDOM to speak ONLY when HE calls me to speak.  I am learning that at every turn the enemy is scheming to trip me up.  To keep me bound and gagged.  To keep me upset, angry, bitter, jealous, and to keep me seeing through a lens of comparison.  This is especially true whenever someone else is speaking about something I've suffered though.  Where true pain has inflicted, not just an uncomfortable feeling or struggle has ensued.  Rather true suffering such a deep loss, where the only way through is to grieve. To feel to cry, to come completely undone.  To have gone through the deepest loss where you know the only way you survived was through the amazing grace of GOD.  The kind of suffering where the pain is all consuming, and you can't cry enough, pray enough, or outrun it.  This became very apparent to me when the day I realized that I could fly to anywhere on the planet and Seth wouldn't be there.  That no matter where I went my son would still be in heaven, and my heart would still be so broken.  I would still have to miss him for the rest of my life, and that was the unbearable truth that I was forced to accept.  

To speak boldly about suffering here is what I will say.  I don't know how, or when, I only know WHO.  JESUS is the ONLY one who can and will make a way.  I don't understand it, I can't really explain it, but somehow, supernaturally one day you'll wake up and the pain will be different.  HIS grace will be sufficient enough for you to endure the pain of deep loss, 2 Corinthians 12:9.  HE will remain steadfastly faithful to you.  Catching and keeping every single tear of the oceans that you cry HE won't rush you through your healing.  HE will give you the time and space to grieve.  HE will slowly bind up your wounds, healing you from the inside out, Psalm 147:3.  HE will let you know that HE understands how badly you want to go back to before... to life before deep loss showed up and shattered your heart.  HE will keep HIS PROMISES to you as they are indeed HOLY.  HE will give you everything you need to move forward in your life, pausing with you to cry, to mourn, to remember.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for ALL the days of your life, Jeremiah 29:11. HE will turn your mourning into dancing, Psalm 30:11, and HE will trade your sorrows for HIS joy.  

My brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS I don't know when or how, but I do know and can say with TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE is steadfastly faithful to remain with you.  To breathe in HIS peace that surpasses ALL understanding, Philippians 4:7.  HE will leave you speechless with HIS endless grace and tender mercies.  HE will renew you and restore you and help you.  HE will teach, lead, and guide you through your days, and HE promises that in TRUSTING HIM to be your LORD and SAVIOR, HE will prepare a place for you in HIS FATHERS HOUSE.  I can confidently say that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34:18.   HIS PROMISES ARE HOLY and HE keeps every single one of them.  For I have witnessed, learned, experienced, and lived out HIS HOLY PROMISES and TRUST and know them to be TRUE as my life is evident of this very thing.  Through the writings of the Apostle Paul, I am being strengthened by the LORDS vast strength to speak boldly about the mystery of the gospel.  I am being CHAMPIONED by ALL of Heaven, Hebrews 12:1

I'll leave you with one final thought to ponder, "do you live your life for HIS GLORY?  Do you speak boldly in such a way that even the LORD can't help but notice your resilience?" (This was the final question in my devotional today)

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

the miracle

Will you say YES to JESUS?  No matter what?  Even if.... do you even know what that means?  I can tell you that on the morning of October 13, 2014, I had no idea what I was saying yes to.   It was up until that day at 4pm that I lived in a world of oblivious living.  Where deep pain was in my past.  I thought I had survived the hardest moments I'd ever have to face.  I thought in giving my life to CHRIST that I would be covered.... protected... safe from harm... until....

Saying YES to JESUS put me on the front line of the battleground.  Saying yes put me front and center at the table with my enemies.  Little did I know who my enemies were, let alone did I understand how to fight.  It would be years later before I would be strong enough to even think of saying YES again.

This past April I served at the women's conference at my church as a part of the welcoming team.  This was the 1st time in almost 13 years that I had served in hospitality for a church.  It was the first time in almost 12 years where I was healed enough to be there for other people, rather than my being in constant and continual need.  While serving I had the opportunity to hug and love on several women who just needed BLESSED ASSURANCE that they weren't alone.  I was able to pray over them and listen to their hearts and what was going on in their lives.  I was able to just be, to just listen, to just pray, not try to fix, or solve anything.  I didn't feel pressure to perform or appear a certain way.  I was healed and I knew it; I could feel it.

Still... the enemy didn't let up.  It was during the afternoon session that a dear friend was interviewed for the traumatic event that transpired just six months prior with her precious 3-year-old.  On the day of the traumatic event, I was actually gathered at our church for a volunteer celebration.  As the call to prayer came out, and people boldly stood in the gap to pray for her 3-year-old son, I stood, tears streaming pleading to ALL of Heaven to please save her son HERE, NOT there.  I prayed on her, and her husband's behalf to please give them the miracle they were praying for.  To please not break their hearts the way that our hearts were. The tears continued throughout the day and night.  Each night after receiving updates that were promising and uplifting, it was apparent that ALL of Heaven was listening and they were getting their miracle.  Now in this very afternoon she was sharing HOW GOD WAS MORE THAN ABLE to do MORE than any of us could have prayed for or imagined.  Ephesians 3:20. 

My heart was so elated for her, but sadness was creeping as the enemy began to taunt me.  "You'll never share your story, because there is NO miracle to be found."  It was in that exact moment where I heard to strong steady voice of the HOLY SPIRIT, "That's because YOU'RE THE MIRACLE."  HE let me know that though we didn't get the answer to our prayers the way we had hoped for, we've SEEN miracle after miracle in our family, and as lovingly and gentle as HE has always been, HE began to walk me through just how much of a miracle I have witnessed of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS.  HE reminded me on our time spent together.  Where I would cry deep into HIS chest, where HE would lead me beside the still waters, and have me rest in the greenest pastures, as HE would RESTORE my soul.  Psalm 23 

Truly, I am THE MIRACLE, as the enemy attacked me over and over again, starting at the tender age of 2.5 in distorting the TRUTH, so that I would swallow the lies that were being breathed into my soul.  Lies that I couldn't trust anyone, that abandonment, betrayal, and jealousy would be a running theme in every single relationship of my life.  That one day, even after having lost my son, the comparison, the lies would begin to play as the broken record of my life.  In that moment JESUS would step in and rescue me and declare that I AM THE MIRACLE.  So, this leaves me where I am today, saying YES daily to JESUS.  Saying YES to HIS will, HIS way for my life.  Surrendering the pain and letting HIM into the grieving parts of me.  Allowing HIS soothing balm of HIS LIVING WATER to RESTORE me.  Saying YES has changed my life, has challenged me, strengthened me, and revived the once dead and buried PROMISES and TRUTH within me.  Perhaps this is HIS DEEPLY PERSONAL INVITATION that is just.for.you.  Maybe the miracle you've been praying for, waiting for is actually you.  The Renewal of your mind and the transformation of your heart. 

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

It's not what you know... It's WHO you know~

Very early in my walk with JESUS I learned the importance of not being spoon fed.  I didn't look to a Pastor or leader to teach me about JESUS, yet when I would read my bible, I would struggle to understand it.  For years I struggled to read HIS word consistently, all the while believing the lie that it wasn't really for me, that I would need someone to teach me. 

This was a theme that followed me for the first decade of my walk with JESUS, that is until I found myself in need of a breakthrough.  I wanted a mind, body, and soul transformation.  I remember where I was when I prayed for that, and I still remember that early morning on May 25,2013 when HE answered my prayer and thus my first round of heart work began, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was received.

In my struggle to understand how to apply GOD'S word to my life, I began to share my struggles openly online.  The response I got was overwhelmingly pointing me towards writing a blog to share what I was learning.  After praying and waiting a few days, HE set things in motion, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was born.  I remember typing my first post, wondering if it would make any difference at all.  Did I really have anything to contribute to the world when it came to sharing my faith.  Quite honestly, I was just beginning to learn what my faith was.  It's where HE began to create in me HIS FIRM FOUNDATION, it's where HE became the Cornerstone of my faith, and I began to learn HIS PROMISES.

Sixteen months later my faith would be tested to the maximum, and ultimately, I would be leveled, clinging only to HIS PROMISES unsure if I would even survive.  Looking back now all those years ago, I see the starting point at which HE met with me to teach, lead, and guide me.  Where HE filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE of WHO HE is, and that I was HIS.  TRUTH that I would cling to as the Tsunami of sorrow and grief ripped apart our families' lives.  Every relationship would be tested, as the lens of pain was the only thing I could see through, and as time move forward, I would learn just how far back that lens of pain went, and how it skewed my perception of pretty much everything I had ever known or thought to be true.

Still, no matter where my grief took me one thing remained, JESUS was steadfastly faithful to me.  HE NEVER left my side, I could cry out to HIM at any moment that I was hurting, and HE would answer, "I know I'M with you."  It was through my tears of the deepest sorrow where HE taught me to TRUST HIM, to depend ONLY on HIM.   It was in those moments of raw grief that I cried deep into HIS chest, and HE taught me I could lean back into HIS arms, as HE was ALWAYS with me.  I could turn my face into HIS chest as HE would wrap me safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS, and if all that weren't enough for me, HE would lead me right to HIS word and show me where HIS PROMISES were for me.  That I could apply ALL OF HIS PROMISES as HE so lovingly and patiently taught me that HIS PROMISES are indeed HOLY.  HE remained and proved to me over and over again that HE was my ONE TRUE CONSTSANT, that HE was the ONLY LIVING GOD in WHOM I could TRUST.  In WHOM I could truly depend on.  HE taught me how to not only TRUST in HIM, but also to forgive those who had seemingly failed me.  Whether it be in my grief, or even more in my childhood.  

Each morning, I was awakened to HIS mercies being made new as HE continued to fill me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE taught me how to TRUST HIM and show me how to "cast my cares upon HIM," and how "Come to ME all who are weary," could be applied to my life.  It was in those times of the deepest pain and sorrow that I learned WHO JESUS was and is for me.  HE loved me in a deeply personal way that only I could understand.  HE taught me how to pray in the SPIRIT, seek HIS wisdom, and how to receive discernment and what to do with it.

These days whenever I hear someone talk about GOD'S word, I'm keen to hear what isn't known, and most of the time it seems as though it's only knowledge of HIS word that seems most important to the flesh, when really, I've learned it's not really about WHAT you know... it's WHO you know.  I've learned that knowing GOD'S word isn't enough, that knowing JESUS is everything.  It's through your deeply personal relationship with THE MESSIAH, LORD and SAVIOR where you begin to understand the NEED for repentance.  It's where the desire to BE LIKE JESUS, LOOK LIKE JESUS, and LOVE LIKE JESUS is cultivated.  It's where I'm no longer interested in proving how much I know, rather being an expert witness of WHO I know HE is.  For I know full well I would have died so many times in my life had it not been for JESUS.  I would have given up after so many people of the CHIRSTIAN FAITH failed to love and support me like JESUS.  I know that had HE not taken the time to teach, lead and guide me to know HIS PROMISES are HOLY, how to cling to them as INFALLIABLE TRUTH, and how to apply them to my life I surely would have lost ALL HOPE.

Knowing JESUS has taught me, I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, HIS name is JESUS.  HE IS my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my LORD, my SAVIOR, my EVERYTHING.  TRULY I am living proof that THE LORD IS INDEED CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, Psalm 34:18

May you TRUST the LORD with ALL your heart, may you SEEK HIM, and may you find HIM- HE is waiting for you, to teach, lead, and guide you in a deeply personal way.  All you have to do is say, "JESUS please help me." and when you don't understand, well, HE has a plan for that too....

ALL FOR HIS GLORY~ 

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather

Surrender~

How did I end up here?  In this place where peace that surpasses all understanding is prevalent.  Where grief and joy co-exist.  Where I've finally accepted, well my heart has what my mind already knew.  Seth is gone; he now lives in Heaven and has since the worst day of my life.  Still when I think about that day, I realize it was Seth's best day, because it was his Homecoming, the day where our almost 2-year-old took the greatest journey with Angels and met JESUS face to face. It was the day that Seth stepped into HIS GLORY.   Oh yeah and that's new too.  We no longer dread the week of Seth's birthday, as it's now known as Seth's Homecoming.  For the past 5 years we've been celebrating his precious little yet larger than life.  We celebrate our sweet little Seth Daniel.  For me as Seth's Mama my compassion and empathy for those who are heartbroken has deepened.  It's been a journey for sure, one that took me into the deepest abyss of sorrow and pain.  Where I was plunged into the darkness, and found the sweetest peace and mercy, where I would be rescued and revived in a cascading waterfall of HIS endless grace.  It's where JESUS remained, steadfastly faithful and HIS Daily Teachings continued to flow in me, over me and through me.

Four years ago, this month I stepped into HIS calling for my life to devote my time, talent, and treasures to a ministry known as The Wellsprings of Freedom Ministry.  This ministry would prove to be instrumental in helping JESUS resurrect what died in me on October 13, 2014.   It's where I would receive immense healing and freedom to be HIS LIVING VESSEL to reach the brokenhearted.  It's where I would be equipped with HIS ARMOR, where I would learn "who" I was fighting, how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, and to remain FREE.  Daily I'm reminded to go into HIS word in Ephesians 6:10-20 and put on HIS full armor so that I will be able to withstand the evil day.  It's where JESUS met me in the mess of emotions and lies, I was in from the deep unexpected loss of my son.  It's where I would learn there were lies that were breathed into my soul from the time I could remember, known to me as the reoccurring "broken record" in my life.  It's the lies that had followed me around since.... well forever.  It's where I would learn that the enemy's greatest scheme and tactic to keep me trapped in a prison of his lies was to cultivate that same group of lies that had kept me bound and gagged for all of my life.  It's where I would break FREE from being held captive in plain sight.  It's where JESUS met me in the lies of betrayal abandonment, loneliness, sadness, sorrow, pain, guilt, shame, people pleasing, worthlessness, powerlessness, worry, doubt, envy, pride, anger, apathy, greed jealousy, and the list goes on.  It would take four years, and four personal Freedom Sessions just for me to set younger, innocent, traumatized me FREE.  In four sessions I met JESUS in a new and tangible way.  I received a new name, which I now write personally to HIM every single day.

One year ago, I came to a crossroads with my health.  I was suffering from the unhealthiness in my body, and as much as my mental health was improving, I was still attacked every single day with food noise, and every single day was a battle.  Through much prayer, support, and encouragement from both my doctor and my husband I decided that I would accept the tools of support for weight loss.  I'm now one year out and can say I'm 78lbs. down, I'm continuing to learn to how to eat for fuel. I'm learning the imperativeness in understanding consumption.  Not just through food, but through what my eyes see and my ears hear.  I'm learning that if it's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, then it isn't making me HOLY I'm learning that the only thing I NEED to consume is HIS DAILY BREAD, through the reading of HIS word, and praying to HIM in ALL things through ALL things.

Losing 78lb.s has been so freeing, but that isn't the most amazing part.  I'm also seven months medication free.  I no longer suffer from CPTSD, fibromyalgia pains, joint and muscle pain.  I no longer sleep with weighted blankets.  I no longer sleep in a trauma response fetal position with tight fists.  I no longer sleep for two hours at a time, I sleep the entire night and wake up feeling well rested and peaceful.  I have the most energy I've ever had in my life.  I'm actively serving within my church, attend regularly and enjoy this life I've been given.

For the past seven months I've been flooded with tangible reminders of HIS goodness, HIS steadfast faithfulness to me that HIS promises are HOLY.  That HE has remained with me; HE has caught and kept every single of my oceans of tears that I've cried because they are so very sacred to HIM.  HE'S reminded me over and over again, that HE is with me always, right there in the middle of my mess.  HE is making a way even when I can't SEE it.  HE has taught me how to pray, how to trust, how to speak, and most importantly how to wait.  TRULY I have SEEN, WITNESSED, EXPERIENCED, and LIVED HIS GOODNESSS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING Psalm 27:13-14

Surrender has brought me to the hardest heart work I've ever faced and that is a HOLY RESPONSE, learning to pray about what angers me, NOT vent what angers me. Surrendering my desire for revenge and want for JUSTICE in the way I "feel" is JUST.  I'm learning to TRUST HIM in ALL things, through ALL things, that VENEGENCE is TRULY HIS and HIS alone.  Surrender is a DAILY CHOICE I'm being given, never rushed, and just loved through.  HE knows what hurts me and why, what has been said.  HE knows what I've endured, and in my humanness, HE meets me, covers me in HIS grace, showers me in HIS mercy's sea, and LOVES me more than I could possibly imagine.

Finally, I'm learning that Salvation is a deeply personal choice given to each of us.  That JESUS will never rush, only remain steadfastly faithful to remind each of us in a deeply personal way that HE is for us, HE is there for us, and has amazing plans for each of us.  That the only question each of us has to answer is "will you trust JESUS, and allow HIM to be THE LORD AND SAVIOR of your life?"

ALL FOR HIS GLORY is why I write, why I've come back to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS blog.   

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather