vital

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"When you base your life on JESUS, when you dig deeply into HIS word, you will find HOPE on the hardest days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

My hardest days have been the mundane Tuesdays of my life.  It's been the days where nothing and everything is wrong.  The days where I can't explain or describe why I feel the way I do.  The days where tears well up in my eyes and fall like rain.  Days where something as simple as a sock can cause a tsunami of grief triggers to come crashing all around me.  Those are the days I loathe and make me homesick for heaven.  Those are the days where I cling to JESUS because my life truly depends on HIM.

I still remember the first time I learned of HIS HOLY PROMISE of Jeremiah 29:11. To be honest it created in me a surface level faith.  As I was oblivious as to what I just might have to face or go through.  This is because I "thought" the reason all the horrible things that had happened to me was because I didn't know HIM then.  Well now (when I was 26, I was walking with CHRIST so everything would truly work out for my good.)  

Little did I know that living with oblivious understanding to HIS TRUTH would level my faith.  As 10 short years later, I would learn in the hardest of ways, that we aren't promised tomorrow, and that suffering was inevitable for everyone.  I learned in the hardest of ways just how vital a relationship with JESUS would be so that I would survive the worst day of my life.

Looking back to 12 years ago, there's so much I didn't know, that I couldn't' possibly understand Living in oblivious thinking, and understanding created in me a false sense of security.  I had some deep roots, understanding of WHO HE was, and I was starting to grasp WHOSE I am.  Still, I wasn't prepared for what would happen during the darkest, hardest season of my life.  Nothing could have prepared me for the excruciating agony I would endure.  Nothing and no one could have saved me from the overwhelming sorrow I would feel.  No one could have met me in my blinding anger of feeling betrayed by GOD, as how the hell could Seth dying, my son dying be a part of the plan?  Quite frankly GOD where the hell are you?

I was beyond heartbroken, but even more I was so angry at GOD, as I couldn't SEE how anything would ever be good again.  The angrier I let myself get, the closer HE pulled me to HIM.  Even as I beat my fists into HIS chest, crying over and over, begging and pleading for HIM to please come back, please give me back my Sethie, my baby.  I didn't know how to pray anymore, I couldn't read my bible, I could only pour out my ocean of tears soaking into the pages (I ruined an entire bible) of which I kept as living proof that HE catches and keeps every single one of my tears.

I wanted to give up on HIM, and HE wouldn't give up on me.  Instead, HE met me right where I was, HIS grace was like an avalanche that encompassed me.  HIS peace flooded every part of me, and HIS tender mercies were made new for me each and every morning.  I was battle-weary, I was worn out, so tired of crying, and I hated living with a broken heart.  I struggled to keep my head up and felt myself falling further into the pit despair.  

Still, I clung to JESUS - as I knew HE was vital for my survival.  I clung to HIS PROMISES as HIS word was what HE planted deeply, firmly, and cultivated for 10 years before I would have to truly depend on it.  Those deep roots are what kept me clinging to what was vital to keep me from giving up on my life.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up, still I clung to JESUS, and I waited.

Seven years into suffering I would TRUST HIM enough to surrender even more, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again.  I would learn to fight, with HIS WORD which is the sword of HIS HOLY SPIRIT Ephesians 6:17 by putting on my helmet of Salvation, so that my mind would be protected.  I would then learn how to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  I would learn just how vital my total dependence and TRUST in JESUS was for my life.  

"GOD has a plan only you can fulfill.  HE has a task specifically designed for you to undertake. And HE promises that HIS plan is for your good, to bring you peace and hope in your days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

I am HIS LIVING VESSEL, HIS tangible proof of HIS goodness.  As I have experienced this very TRUTH, as I have learned just how vital it is for me to know (mind) understand (heart) TRUST (out of your heart) HIM so that I am able to do what HE calls me to do.  I am living proof that there is HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING even while living a life after child loss.  I've survived the unimaginable loss because of JESUS.  Because HE has been my everything.

I have not only just survived, but also I have learned to live to THRIVE because HE has been so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to REMAIN with me, even when I was angry.  Even when I pushed HIM away, even when I hated HIM, even when my words were so far below honoring to HIM.  HE remained, HE held me, and let me cry deep into HIS chest, HE took all of my anger.... all of my tears.... which at times I was certain I would bust in half from the intensity of crying to the end of my soul.  HE remained when I wanted to end it all, as all I wanted was the pain to end.  Through it all, no matter how I felt, HIS TRUTH stayed the same, HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE had a plan for all of it, even when I refused to TRUST HIM, well HE had a plan for that too.

I couldn't fathom the life I am living now, well that is until I HE takes me back and reminds me of the many prayers I prayed in asking for the life I am living now.  The only difference is, the plans HE has for each of my children, well HE didn't consult me on those, and HE is asking me TRUST HIM with ALL of it.  So instead of being angry that I'm not being consulted, I know, understand and TRUST to pray for my children.  To pray that they too will know, understand and TRUST just how vital their deeply personal relationship with JESUS is for each of them.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows the plans HE has for your life.  Plans that are deeply personal and just.for.you.  Plans that require your willingness to submit, to repent, to surrender to HIS will for your life.  Dear Ones, HE knows your apprehension, and why you have it.  HE understands, and HE has a plan for that too.  Nothing is unbeknownst to HIM, even when your angry with HIM, even when and WHY you don't TRUST HIM.  HE was there then, and HE is there now, for ALL the days of your life.  HE was there when you stopped praying, when deep loss entered your life and your suffering began.  HE knows, and HE loves you.   I pray you will seek HIM and ask HIM to be the LORD and SAVIOR of your life.  I pray that you too will know, understand and TRUST that HE is vital for your faith, and your life., 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, understanding and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

in the midst

"because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake.  You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit."

1 Thessalonians 1:5-6

The WORD does something to you deep down inside, stirring up the SPIRIT within you, linking it to the power of GOD'S SPIRIT.  It touches your heart, changes your mind, inspires your soul.  Within GOD's WORD you find GOD. You get to know HIM.  You begin to understand things in a way you never could before." 

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

Through HIS word I have found HOPE in the midst of despair.  It's where I have found joy in the midst of sorrow.  It's where I've found a supernatural peace that I couldn't explain or even know to pray or ask for in the midst of the most excruciating pain of agony, sadness, and overwhelming grief. It has been through HIS word where I have discovered that HE is indeed the Son of Suffering.  That NOTHING I was suffering through was unbeknownst to HIM.

Finding HIM in HIS word has been life giving to me.  Finding my life in between the scriptures has filled me with HIS TRUE PURPOSE for my life.  It's where I've received an exchange for all that burdens me, where I've learned to release that of which hurts me, to take on HIS yoke, which is so much lighter than that of which I struggle to maintain within my life.

Letting go of the burden to manage my grief, my suffering, and releasing the years of tears swallowed in my attempt to maintain an okay status as to not offend or cause anyone around me to be uncomfortable in my grief.  Letting go of wanting to save face, rather letting out all that has crushed me in the unrealistic expectations placed upon me, or that I agreed to take on so that I wouldn't be too much for anyone to be around.

For the longest time I believed that I couldn't possibly be used as HIS living vessel as I was so horrendously broken.  My heart had been shattered, and no matter what good was happening in my life, the truth was that my son had died, I was suffering the deepest loss I've ever known.  I was irrevocably changed, and no one truly understood what that meant to me and for me.  I struggled to pray, to hold it all together and maintain the image of, "I'm fine, Seth died, but I'm alive and I'm okay."  When really that was the furthest from the truth I coiuld have been.

Quite honestly, I'm saddened that it's taken me so long to uncover HIS TRUTH about where HE is in the midst of my suffering.  I annoy myself in the "trying" that I have put myself through, as to feel bad for needing even more grace.  When truthfully my problem wasn't that I couldn't or wasn't suffering, it's I was trying to suffer on my own.  Because that's what the world teaches us from an early age.  We learn at an age that we couldn't possibly advocate for ourselves, so instead we try our best as tender age children to reconcile to why things are not going well.  And when we've exhausted every effort to understand, and can't seem to place blame on anyone else, we end up placing the blame on ourselves. 

For the longest time I felt as though it was my job to just survive my life until I died.  This was a lie that I believed, began to live, and eventually spoke out loud.  It was the lie cultivated by the enemy that kept me trapped, not realizing that JESUS was there in the midst of suffering with me.  HE was working ALL things out for my good.  Yet, I had no clue what HE was doing behind the scenes.  

Today I am reminded of where HE was and has always remained in the midst of my suffering through yet another song, and for that I am grateful. As I am able to hold my hands up to PRAISE HIM, to give HIM ALL THE GLORY, HONOR, and PRAISE, as if it weren't for HIM, I would have surely died from a brokenheart.

"When I should have lost my mind.... YOU showed up right on time... and carried me through the valley.... all the way on the other side.... and when pain tried to take my joy... is when I felt YOU more.... and now I've got to testify.... GOD, YOU kept my heart alive... I didn't know that I'd survive... I gave up so many times.... but YOU kept my heart alive... when LOVE once came to die.... YOU NEVER left my side.... and YOU kept my heart alive" For My Good by: Maverick City ~ Chandler Moore

Truly I am a living testament to this new song that HE has placed in my heart.  HE has awakened a new level of faith, of understanding in the midst of suffering.  Through the power of HIS HOLY SPIRIT through HIS WORD, I have been awakened to HIS great purpose for my life.  Where HE has shown me, proven to me that HE won't waste a single one of my tears.  That HE is with me, even if.... even when.... even though.... in the middle of the storm.... even in the midst of suffering. 

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE TRULY is in the details of every single moment of my life., Even in the midst of suffering.  HE is with me ALWAYS, ready and waiting to teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand, to TRUST that HE is indeed working ALL things out for my good.  

This has been the hardest thing to accept, as I couldn't fathom how the plan of Seth's homecoming would ever be seen as a good thing.  Well, my tears say otherwise, however the deep well of empathy that HE has created in me, well I know that was only made possible in the midst of immense suffering.  For I know full well that I wouldn't have been able to dig deep enough into my faith, to have HIM create in me a heart like HIS, one that is willing to mourn with those who mourn.  To BE someone who doesn't run away, or turn away the hurting, the brokenhearted, and the downcast soul.  To BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to hold space for the brokenhearted has been an honor and blessing.  A calling that I hold very graciously, and humbly.  

Precious Dear Ones,

It is my fervent prayer that you will know that in the midst of whatever it is that you are going through, whatever you are enduring in this very moment of your life, that you will know you aren't alone.  I pray that you will feel the comfort of HIS peaceful presence.  I pray you will know that NOTHING you are facing is unbeknownst to HIM.  I pray that you will accept HIS invitation to BE with you in the midst of your suffering.  I pray that you will know that suffering looks different for everyone and should never be compared. (This I am learning, as my eyes are being opened to SEE that suffering is different for everyone) I pray that you too will come to know HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR, so that you will TRUST and know that HE is indeed working ALL things out for your good.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

mirror

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:12-14

I always have the best day whenever I spend it in HIS word.  When I don't have to converse with people, or leave my house   Then it never fails, life calls, and I have to leave my home, my office, and I have to do life with people.  And, well lately its become very peoplely out there.  I'm not even sure if that is even a word, but I do know this, HE wants me to strike it from my vocabulary.  As HE is wanting me to not only read HIS word, HE wants me to meditate on it, and allow HIM to work in me and through me of WHY I NEED to understand the imperativeness of not only me understanding the importance of living this way, but TRUSTING HIM with the WHY, and doing it ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

Well, I feel as if though I should reintroduce myself once again.  Hi, I'm Heather, and I love people who are nice and agreeable.  I get along with most people.  However, because I am so very human, I struggle immensely with difficult people.  Lately it's as if though I have been bombarded by seemingly rude people.  To be honest I had a feeling that HE would be addressing this very issue that has become a common theme in my life as of lately.  So here we are, I'm ALL IN once again, and ready to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is letting me know that I was created ON PURPOSE to mirror CHRISTS JESUS attributes.  For me this means whenever I encounter someone rude, or mean, I am to treat them the same as someone who is lovely, gracious and kind.  HE is wanting me to know that I am to be dressed for success in clothing myself in all the things that HE has been for me.

Clothing myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience is usually not too difficult to do, well that is until someone is combative or argumentative.  As it is then where I fall short of HIS GLORY, and my flesh takes over.  It's as if though the angry 15-year-old who was deeply wounded and so tired of being treated so unfairly, that part of me in a tender part that HE is healing, and redeeming in my story.  Well healing requires obedience, and discipline, as I am to die unto myself, and my selfish ways.  This I am learning is so much more complex than I could have possibly known.

To mirror CHRIST for me is my greatest desire, it's my hearts cry, to BE HOLY, HONORING, and PLEASING to HIM in ALL that I say and do.  As much as that is my hearts cry, there's still so much more for me to surrender to HIM, as this goes into the category of surrendering that of which I don't know or understand.  However, since I TRUST HIM, I know that HE is pulling this out of me, to REDEEM me for HIS GREAT PURPOSE for the plans that HE has for my life. 

Then comes the most daunting part in my human thinking, which is forgiveness, as why would I have to forgive someone for hurting, or offending me?  That is when HE pulls me even closer still, and speaks to my heart, "Dear Heart, you are able to forgive, because I have forgiven you.  You are able to give what you have received, and because I love you and know what's best for you, I want you to TRUST me that I know what is best for you, and for them."  Hearing HIM speak so gently, and tenderly to my hurting heart, is when I begin to SEE the situation and the person through HIS eyes.   As I am reminding of the many chances HE has given me to repent, to seek forgiveness, and ALL the grace that HE has extended to me.  I am lovingly reminded of how many times I've had to repent for the same offenses.  For this very reason, I'm surrendering once again that of which I don't know or understand when it comes to the "why" someone is rude, argumentative, combative, or offensive.

Grace that is sufficient for all the times that been the one to have been the one who offended, was combative, or argumentative towards others.  Grace for all the times where I flat out refused to forgive, and HE remained, STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, with me, for me.  When I think about ALL the chances HE'S given me, I am so grateful to have receive every single one of them.  So when I think about myself, HE opens my eyes with discernment for those who I am called to forgive.  HE shows me that there are things I don't understand, I don't know, and I should NEVER just assume.  As I am reminded of ALL the times where I've fallen apart, and fallen short of HIS GLORY, I have reacted and responded in a less than GOD honoring way..

~ Part 2~

I started writing this blog post yesterday, and had to leave before I could finish it, and post it.  Well as the day would go, man did I fall short of ALL the things HE was teaching me about.  Having just learned the importance and imperativeness of clothing myself in CHRISTS ATTRIBUTES, well let's just say as the day lingered, so did my thoughts.  Which led me to be careless in my responses, and in muttering careless words.  I allowed myself to be led by my emotions and dictated by my feelings about circumstances.  Most of which weren't even about me, however I had a strong opinion about. So as the day progressed so did my disdain for people and the situations in which I found myself.

We didn't get home until late last night, and as I got ready for bed, the heaviness took over, and a deep sense of remorse washed over me.  Having to repent for how I chose to face the day.  How I failed spectacularly at being a mirror for CHRIST.  I tossed and turned for quite some time, unable to settle myself, to calm my mind, to silence my racing thoughts.  

Finally, exhaustion took over, or perhaps it was HIS peace that surpassed ALL my understanding, and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep.  I was awakened to HIM speaking to my heart, "Rise Dear Heart, we have much to do together today."  HE knew what I needed, which was to begin my morning routine, by getting ready for the day.  HE knew how bad I felt by what transpired yesterday, and HE knew that I so desperately needed HIS HOLY REMINDER that indeed HIS MERCIES are truly made new each morning, just.for.me.

As I sit and wait for HIS HOLY SPIRIT to lead me to type out the rest of this post, I am encompassed in HIS LOVE.  I am feeling more peace than I felt yesterday. I am filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE is truly IN THE DETAILS.  I am reminded of when HE first began to teach, lead, and guide me.  That HE didn't rush me then, and HE isn't rushing me now.   HE knows just how much I NEED HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  HE knows how it takes me a bit to not only learn what HE is teaching me, but how to apply it, and then the obedience to follow through. HE knows how hard I struggle through the discipline to get me to the point where I let go of my fleshly ways.  As I'm reminded that it's written in HIS word about how I do the things I shouldn't do, and I don't do the things I should do.  

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do"

Romans 7:15

This for me is HIS loving reminder that I am not so far gone that HIS word doesn't understand me.  Truly every single thing I struggle with, is KNOWN.  For that I am deeply grateful.  I am so very thankful that the mistakes I make are not used against me, rather to pull me even closer still to HIM, so that I can, and when willingly surrendered, submitted, HE will indeed teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand, to TRUST HIM with what I need to do, because I will understand what I NEED to know.  Truly HE has remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, a sinner, HIS BELOVED CHILD, worthy of HIS love, even when the world says differently to me.  HE whispers, "Dear Heart, I have you, I know you don't understand, I know why that hurts you, I know you are sorry, and I love you.  No matter what, even if you never change, I will love you always, no matter what.  You, Ravah, my Precious Dear Heart, are MINE."

Precious Dear Ones,

May today be a day where you too learn that HIS MERCIES are made new, just.for.you.  No matter how bad things went yesterday, or even this morning, no matter what has happened.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE knows your heart.  HE knows why you respond and react the way you do to the stress and struggles in your life.  HE knows how unfairly you've been judged, or mistreated.  HE knows why you're angry, why you've all but given up.  HE knows the sleepless, restless nights where you've cried endlessly.  HE knows why you've shut down and isolated yourself away from people.  HE knows why you don't trust anyone, especially HIM.  HE knows the moment when you decided you couldn't and made a vow to NEVER TRUST HIM again.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has a good and perfect plan for you to experience HIS love, HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to you and for you.  HE has a plan to set you FREE from that which hurts you.  HE will help you to forgive, to let go of what hurts you, as HE will teach you to release it to HIM.  HE has good plans to teach you to fight to get FREE, to be FREE, to stay FREE.  Truly restoration, healing, and redemption is ALWAYS HIS plan.  May you have the courage to open your heart to HIM and allow HIM to do abundantly more than you could ever think to pray or ask for.  May today be the beginning of your adventure with HIM, that will create in you a desire to mirror CHRIST.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, understanding and deep compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

search and discovery

" Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God"

Colossians 3:1-3

The more I seek HIM, the more I find HIM, the more I can't wait till the next search and discovery that HE leads me through.  I love whenever I SEE my life fall between the scriptures that HE places on my heart.  Whenever I feel HIM cultivating the already deep roots that HE planted all those years ago. I also smile whenever I realize that I've reached the next level of understanding, as I know that is HIM delighting in me, and my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is strengthened.

I am so grateful to have this heavenly perspective as I can still remember a time not so long ago where I seriously doubted whether or not HE truly was for me.  I felt so lost, afraid, abandoned and confused.  The betrayal was piercing to my soul, and I cried until I was certain I was emptied of tears, only to reach the next deep well of endless tears.  I was tired, worn out, cried out, and my faith was dwindling.

Two months ago I worried that those feelings were creeping back in, only I didn't have the same fears, or believe the same lies, I was just eerily calm, and quiet.  More than that, HE was quiet, or so I thought.  What I now realize it that I was filled with a supernatural peace from HIM, that HE was pouring over me to prepare me for this next season, which I am now in.  A season of writing, speaking, and sharing all of the search and discovery moments I am having with HIM through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.

I know I have reached a new level of learning and understanding that could only happen because I started out with a very basic knowledge of WHO HE is.   What began as a simple request, "JESUS I want to know you, I want to understand what I don't know, and I NEED YOU."   HE met me right there, in the beginning.  The beginning of my breakthrough on May 25, 2013, I still remember that morning.  An early 5am rise, journal, pen, and bible in my hands I made my way to our living room.  I remember the soft glow of the lamp, as I put pen to paper and penned those exact words.  I will NEVER forget when I first heard HIS voice.  I will NEVER forget how it felt to begin to know that HE was meeting me right where I was.  

Through search and discovery, HE began to teach, lead, and guide me by first giving me the layout of what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS would consist of.  That I didn't need to worry how, that HE knew exactly what I was needing, and HE was faithful to always provide.  Those early days, I now can look back, and SEE were preparation for my days to come.  Each morning, I would rise before the dawn, before anyone else was awake, and I would meet with HIM.  I would ask questions, and I would begin to learn to read HIS word, soak in HIS word, and ruminate in HIS word.

Days that lead me through the first month, then second month, all the way to my first year.  Not skipping a single day I journaled, prayed, read, and met with JESUS for almost 18 months before the worst day of my life happened.  Even after that day, I still met with HIM, I still journaled, prayed, only now I cried to the end of my soul, I didn't understand the plan, and I struggled to keep my head up.

Two years later I found myself face down in a pit of despair.  I had hope for heaven, but zero hope for living.  I had been suffering the loss of my son for two years, and I couldn't even be a person, let alone a warrior for CHRIST, a wife or a mother.  I was broken, confused, my soul was so downcast, and I couldn't function.  I cried daily, all day, and when I wasn't crying, I was stuffing.  To numb the pain, to try and fill the void of the profound absence of my son's life.  The silence was deafening as our family had been irrevocably changed.  

I found myself trying so desperately to do what I once did, I tried to write, to pray, to read HIS word, and I found myself unable to even open my bible.  My tears were wordless prayers, as I knew HE was with me, and was catching ALL of my tears.  As there was a time for almost a year that every time I would go into my room I would cry and say, "JESUS I hurt," and HE would respond, "I know I AM with you."   I would cry tears of agony for my Sethie, my baby, my Sethie, please JESUS, please come back, please help me, pleaaaassssssse." 

Just writing about that time in my life, causses tears to well up in my eyes.  One because it was so deeply painful, lonely, and isolating.  Two because now I can look back and SEE HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me to remain no matter what.   Three because I can now SEE that from the beginning of the first day where I met with HIM at 5am, I can now SEE HE was preparing me for this very moment where I am now in my life.

If ever I begin to question whether or not HE is truly for me, all I need to do is look back over the past 13 years where I have intentionally met with HIM, even when I was angry with HIM.  Even when I told HIM I hated HIM for what HE allowed to happen.   Through ALL of my anger, bitterness, jealously, and envy HE held me, helped me, and poured HIS peace over me, and ensured that I experienced HIS grace that is truly sufficient enough for me.  Through it all, no matter what HE has filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HIS MERCIES were indeed made new for me each morning.  

I am learning that HIS plan, HIS purpose is only found, through a deeply personal invitation for me to know HIM, for HIM to reveal just how much HE knows me.  I am truly living proof that the life I was created for, to live is hidden within HIM.  I am learning the true value of meeting HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE as that is where the life, the healing, the restoration that I am NEED of is truly hidden in HIM.  I am experiencing HIS delight in me and for me, as each morning I embark on another adventure of search and discovery with HIM.

I am continuing to learn that is imperative that I continue to seek HIM, to keep my eyes fixed on HIM, to look up, to keep my ears open to hear ONLY HIS voice.  To NOT be distracted by all the circumstances of my life, and the ways of this world.  I am learning WHY I must remain alert, and BE of sober mind, taking each and every thought captive as to not get tripped up by my enemy.  This I have learned in the hardest of ways, as the enemy is always at my heels.  Trying to trip me up through relationships with my loved ones.  As the hardest strongholds I have had to learn to release, and fight through has been people pleasing.

For me this was in the way I managed my grief and my suffering, so as to NOT offend or make others feel uncomfortable.  This I have just learned of these past few weeks, and just yesterday HE let me know that often times I do things because of condemnation and mistake it for conviction.  Yikes!  That made me cringe, as I don't want to do anything, or focus on anything that HE doesn't want for me or hasn't called me to do.  In trying to do what I thought I should be doing, HE is setting me free from the unrealistic expectations placed on me by others, and even more so by myself.  

What I've learned and continue to find in my search and discovery is that HE isn't mad at me, or disappointed in me.  HE loves me, tenderly, gently, and endlessly.  HE delights in knowing that I am seeking HIM, to know, to SEE, to understand, to TRUST HIM even more.  HE loves when I surrender to whatever I don't know, and TRUST HIM to reveal to me whatever it is that I NEED to know.  HE loves when I choose to TRUST that if HIS timing isn't for me to know or understand, that I still choose to TRUST HIM.   Even when.... Even if..... Even though....

Precious Dear Ones,

Oh, my Dear Brothers and Sisters, HE knows.  HE knows what is hurting you.  HE knows why you're struggling to repent, to surrender, and to forgive.  HE knows and HE loves you.  HE has a plan for all of it; HE'S just waiting for you to choose to TRUST HIM.   HE wants to meet you right where you are to hold you, to help you, to free you, to restore you, to redeem you.  HIS plans for your life are so devastatingly good because even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain HE is still so very good.  If today should find you barely hanging on, feeling lost, alone, or angry, HE knows, and HE'S there and wants to help you.  May today be the day where you reach out to grab HIS garment, for HIS healing, HIS power, HIS peace, HIS strength to wash over you.  May you come to know HIM as I know HIM, may you have the courage to reach out, to pray, to cry out, to just say, "JESUS I believe in you, please come into my life, and be my LORD and SAVIOR, I NEED YOU.  May today be the beginning of your breakthrough, and may you begin your journey of search and discovery where you too find your life hidden with CHRIST JESUS.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, grace, compassion, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

waking in faith

I've always known the scripture, walk by faith, or live by faith NOT by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7. Well since September 2026 HE has been teaching me a new level of understanding how to do just that.  For me it's always been struggling to sleep at night, and even if I am able to fall asleep, I'm often times ripped from sleep several times a night.  Usually I give up sleeping, and just stay up, and take naps during the day. 

Well because I know of HIS deep love for me, I now SEE what new thing HE has been teaching me.  First waking me in the early morning hours, not for me, but to lead me to pray for those in my life who too are struggling to sleep.  Those whose lives have been so full of stress and strife.  Pain and heartache have moved in and taken up much of the spaces of their hearts.  HE has brought me to a place where as soon as my eyes open, I say, "Who am I praying for?"  Without fail, HE places their name or their face, or even sometimes their voice in my heart, and I immediately I am filled with discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT in how to pray.

Lately though, as I awaken, my first response is who, and HE lets me know, "Precious Dear Heart, I AM with you.  I have NEVER left you.  I have remained with you through ALL of this."  This morning at 2am, HE let me know that HE knew how much I cried yesterday for Seth's would be 14th birthday.  HE knew how hard I fought to NOT do what I've always done but just let the tears fall.  And, HE was right, I did just let my tears fall.  I let all the feelings of loss, and pain wash over me, and I released them right into HIS waiting hands.  I let the memories flow of Seth's birth.  I let the tears fall, and I felt the ache in my arms and hands that began on the afternoon of October 13, 2014.  I allowed myself to feel the deep longing of missing, and I released the ache to HIM.  I allowed HIM into the desperation of missing my son.  I allowed JESUS to BE enough for me.  

Last night began a new journey, waking in faith. This I know and understand is so that I am able to share HIS goodness, of HIS steadfast faithfulness for HIS kids.  This means YOU Dear Reader.  This means that YOU who is reading these words right now.   The nights where you've felt forgotten, so lost, and betrayed.  YOU, yes, YOU, HE SEES YOU.  

As HIS beloved child you NEED to know, HE is the miracle maker, a wonderful savior, a faithful friend, a fierce defender, a mighty protector, and an impenetrable shield.  HE is your champion, your ABBA, new life creator, HE is ALL of this and more.  With HIM, through HIM, ALL things WILL be possible.

Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking "yeah sure okay, but Heather, you don't know where I have been, what I've had to endure.  You don't know what I have done, and you would be right.  However, what I do know is, even though I don't, HE does.  HE SEES it ALL, HE'S been with you ALL the days of your life.  HE knows why you've struggled, why you don't trust, and why you toss and turn every night, fighting for just even an hour of sleep.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for your rescue.  HE knows and HE'S waiting for you to be waking in faith.

All I know is that I would have surely died from my broken heart in suffering the death of my son.  I would have succumbed to the devastation I endured from the desperation that took over my mind in missing Seth.  I was certain that I had NO hope for living and only had hope for heaven.  I spent my days and nights praying for the end to be near.  That I would close my eyes and wake up in paradise with JESUS.  What I didn't know then, and what I SEE now is that HE was preparing me for RESCUE.  HE was preparing me to know, to experience, to LIVE with HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.  Where healing would flow abundantly through me, so that I would be able to write, to speak, to share of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  

Writing my faith journey has been extremely healing for me, as I SEE it was, HE is turning my pain into HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life.  I now know FULL WELL this is the life that the enemy didn't want me to know anything about.  This is the moment for such a time as this that I was created for.  As HE knew I would one day be healed enough, to TRUST HIM even more.  That I would willingly surrender whatever HE was asking of me.  HE knew that I would SEEK HIM, over and over.  Constantly seeking HIS perspective, wanting and NEEDING HIS TRUTH.  HE knew that I would get in the driver's seat of the bus of life, and I would go out and pick up other people who they too had been run over by the bus of life.  

I went from falling asleep in despair, or just merely surviving to waking in faith.  Faith in HIM and for HIM, that even when I don't understand the plan, well HE has a plan for that too.  Faith that no matter what happens to me, or around me, HE is with me always.  That even if, even when, or even though, no matter the even's HE is with me, and HE has a plan, and when I choose to TRUST HIM, HE will always work things out for my good.  Because I know FULL WELL, I am HIS beloved child, I am the daughter of the KING, and HIS love for me in unconditional, everlasting, and endless. 

Perhaps, this has been HIS plan all along, for me to just know that HE is with me ALWAYS.  That no matter if I am crying, angry, upset, jealous, bitter, lost, or feeling betrayed, HE has a plan for my healing.  That NO matter how bad things have gotten out of control in my life.  No matter what relationships feel as seemingly irrevocably broken, NOTHING is impossible with HIM.  HE has a plan, for even more healing for me.  Plans to be LOVED by HIM, for me to walk with HIM, and to WAKE with HIM.  I am learning that I am truly experiencing HIS KINGDOM right here on earth as it is in HEAVEN.  That it's not an external seeing(circumstances), rather an internal feeling and even more SEEING (spiritual eyes opened).  This is truly HIS PEACE that surpasses any and ALL understanding. 

I am learning that waking in faith means that I can release whatever is laying heavily on my mind and heart.  That I can release any and ALL feelings that are tearing me apart.  I can lay my burdens down, and I can cry deep into HIS chest.  I can surrender, even when I am afraid, and I can be comforted by HIM, as HE truly is the ONLY ONE WHO can truly comfort me.  This pain that I endure, the suffering that I have invited HIM into is overwhelming, and so unbearably hard at times. and HE is right there to help me, to hold me, for me to feel HIS love, to know HIS love, to TRUST HIS love, as I am continuously learning that HE is indeed my anchor for my soul  

In waking in faith, I am experiencing a life I never knew before, but the ONE that I had always prayed for.  Everything that I had prayed for, waited for, and longed for, HE was there all along, working it ALL out for my good.  Waking in faith is teaching me total dependence and TRUST in the LORD with ALL my heart, and it gives me immense comfort as this is another tangible way of SEEING HIS GOODNESS, as HE is the ONE WHO kept my heart alive, when I lost my mind, when my heart was shattered.  When I walked through the valley of shadow of death, when my tears were my food, HE was the ONE WHO REMAINED STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to keep my heart alive, WHO strengthened my faith, WHO cultivated even deep roots, WHO stayed with me through the deep abyss of pain, agony, and sorrow.  

Truly I am SEEING my life in HIS word, as my life falls between the scriptures.  I SEE it, I know it, and I know that I am deeply LOVED, SEEN, HEARD, and KNOWN by HIM.  HE has continuously shown up, and restored my JOY.  HE has refined my faith by remaining with me in the fire.  HE has renewed my strength so that I was able to keep going.  HE has been my anchor, my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my SAVIOR, my JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows just how heavy your burdens are that you are carrying.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows how rough this past year has been for you.  HE knows just how deeply you are grieving the life you once knew.  HE knows how desperately you are missing the one whose deep loss you are suffering. HE knows how your faith has been leveled, and HE has a plan.  HE knows how much guilt and shame are weighing you down.  HE knows how impossible it all. seems to you.  HE knows why you are unable to trust or forgive, and HE has plan, a good, a deeply personal plan that is just.for.you.  Will you TRUST HIM?  Are you ready to repent, to surrender, to step into a new way of living?  Are you ready to surrender what you don't know, and TRUST HIM to help you through it?  Are you ready to fall into HIS arms, and let HIM help you?  HE is there, are you ready to give HIM your sleepless, restless nights?  Are you ready to live a life that is waking up in faith?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much compassion, understanding, empathy, and love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

12

Yesterday was the final day of the 12rh year of grieving my son.  It was his homecoming to JESUS day, and my family and I did our best to honor Seth's life and spent the day doing one of his favorite things.   We went to a pumpkin patch, as Seth loved Halloween.  He loved piders (spiders) and he loved people.   Every October 13th have always been a day that until this moment in time, I tried my best to just keep it together.  To not cry too much.  To not dwell on the fact that Seth had died, and that I still remembered so much of the worst day of my life.  

This I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still, as I fought to swallow my tears.  HE was letting me that HE meant what HE said when I was no longer to manage my grief, but to grieve with HIM.   HE made that very evident yesterday whenever I looked at my watch and saw the time.  Such as at the 11:30am time, I remembered was when I took my two daughters and their friend to the store for snacks.  I remembered Seth wanting to go and crying at the door.  I remembered backing out of the driveway, seeing his little face pressed against the glass and me saying, "oh I just love him."  Not knowing that day would be my last day to see him do that ever again.

Tears fell all throughout the day yesterday.  I cried with each moment that was a reminder, just like when a little girl was playing with her mama's necklace and wrapping her sweet little arms and her hands touched her mama's face.  I felt that, that moment where I stood at the microwave warming up lunch and Seth reached up to me to pick him up.  I remembered his sweet voice, "mama me me me, up up up."  I remembered his little arms wrapped around my neck, and his little hands on my face.  Him looking into my eyes, as if remembering everything he could about me.  We danced, and kissed JESUS (my cross necklace that he was fascinated with) a million times.  Then I set him down to serve lunch, and he climbed on his chair and laid down as he wasn't feeling good.  

Around the 4 o'clock hour I glanced to my right and saw an ambulance, and I was immediately brought back to the moment when I was collapsed in the driveway, and I felt the first responder jump on the grass with Seth in his arms.  I remembered watching the ambulance drive away, the sirens, I still hear them.  The pain of that moment hit the deepest part of my grief, and tears spilled out. Falling like rain.  Later I would see a Mama holding her sweet little boy on her back, and I watched him hold onto her neck, jumping and shrieking at the excitement of what he was seeing.  That is when my tears became too much for me, and I had to step away for a moment to just breathe.  

The rest of the day, whenever the time was remembered, I felt HIM pull me even closer.  HE knew how badly I was hurting.  HE knew how much I ached from missing Seth.  HE knew, and HE held me, and caught every single one of my tears.  HE knew how relieved I was to have made it through another year of honoring Seth.  HE also knew just how weary I would be this morning, as tomorrow is October 15th, and that is Seth's birthday.  This year, he would be 14.  An age where I feel so much further from knowing my own son.  HE knows, and HE is with me.  Holding me, helping me through the pain of missing him.  HE knows how much I hate this plan, how much I wish so badly that things could be different.   HE knows how much I wish people knew, and understood, but then that would be they too would have had to suffer just like me, and I wouldn't wish this on even the meanest person I know.  So instead, I just cry, and let the pain out.  I cry out all the words stored up, buried deep inside.  I weep with JESUS, for I know full well that HE weeps with me. 

This year I am learning to cry with JESUS, to not hide, but to let HIM into my pain.  I am experiencing what it means to have NO condemnation for those who are in CHRIST JESUS.  This I know, understand, and choose to TRUST.  For this very reason, I keep choosing to seek HIM.  I keep surrendering all that I don't understand, surrendering all that hurts me.  I keep crying out to JESUS to please help me.  I keep pressing in and through my deep well of faith that HE has created and cultivated deep within me.  I keep writing, and signing my name to HIM, as I pour my heart out to HIM.  Ravah (my new name given to me by HIM) means immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  For this very reason, I keep moving forward, asking to be transformed, renewed, and refined even more.  As at the end of this life, I want to BE KNOWN by my faith, that even when my son died, even when all that has happened to me, I still chose JESUS.  That if you knew me, encountered me, you would have SEEN JESUS in me.  You would have SEEN HIS LIGHT SHINING in me and through me.  So that ALL PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY would be HIS.  

There is still so much I don't understand, and I struggle to TRUST, but I've learned that HE has a plan for that too.  HE delights in me, and well if you're reading this, HE delights in you too!

Precious Dear Ones,

It's not if, it's when, as deep loss affects everyone of us.  While my grief is childloss, there is also, widowhood, orphaned, sibling loss, job loss, divorce, and even loss of a beloved pet (who to many are family) My fervent prayer is that my life is a reflection of HIS Graciousness towards all people.  That the same kindness, patience, and consideration are given to all of whom I encounter.  I pray that in sharing my story, it will be ALL FOR HIS GLORY

In the deepest love, respect, understanding and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

New Song

It would be so easy for me to give up when life becomes so overwhelming.  It would be easy for me to lay down and just check out with mindless tv watching.  It would be easy for me to stuff all the pain that I am experiencing, and just stuff until I am numb. It would be easy to self soothe, and to just do whatever makes me feel good.  Well, it would be easy, until the reality of how self-destructing all of that actually is.  This I've learned, and well if I am being honest, I am continuing to learn. 

Heartwork continues of consumption, and releasing my self-management role, over to HIM WHO Is more than capable of handling ALL of my life.  HE is my creator after all, the AUTHOR and PEFECTOR of my FAITH, the reason I am still alive, the WHY I survived ALL that I have.  And if I really think about what HE has been doing, and is continuing to do in my life, I am realizing more and more that surviving was NEVER the plan.  So, even when, even though, I am so overwhelmed by the next layer being pulled back, for me to shed, I am learning to know and TRUST that it is ALL for my good.  

This morning, HE has led me to learn a NEW SONG- "My Story Your Glory" By Matthew West

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In all things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One reason WHY I'm livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR Glory

ALL of me, ALL for YOU

Let ALL I say and ALL I do

Point to the ONE WHO changed my life

And let me speak the legacy I leave behind

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In ALL things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One Reason WHY I'm Livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR GLORY

Truly HE is in the details of my life.  Working ALL things out for my good.  Because HE is just that good.  My life is so drastically different from where it was just 10 years ago.  As 10 years ago I had just spent almost 2 years unpacking and processing the loss of my son.  This coming Tuesday will be 12 years, and WOW have things changed.  This I know to be TRUE as last night I was given the opportunity to sit amongst a group of my sisters in CHRIST as one of us shared, and shed tears of agony as she unpacked, and processed the loss of her own son.  Together with 15 other women we held space for this precious sister, and held her story, her tears, her agony, and called on JESUS and HIS ANGEL ARMIES to surround her, to help her, to flood her with HIS PEACE, to give her grace to grieve, space to grieve, to cry, to mourn.  Tears fell for her, and with her.  And I, well I was honored, to not only hold space for her, but was honored and blessed to pray for her, and to intercede on her behalf, because I knew those tears of agony.  I knew the questions of why, and how could this possibly be the plan.  Processing how it was that she is to live without her son.  I recognized her pain, her tears, and the deep sorrow that has now become a part of her.  And I prayed, and thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS that I knew HE was and will ALWAYS BE for her as well.

I guess you could say this is healing.  This is what it means to be alive. "To be among the BLESSED to Mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4, that quite honestly when I began my suffering journey, I felt everything but blessed.  I felt cursed, and betrayed, as the pain was excruciating.  I thought I would surely die from how bad the pain ripped through me Slowly over time though, HE rescued me from the deep dark abyss of agony, sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE brought me to the survivor's shore to recover, learning first how to sit up again, then to stand, then to walk, and after 7 long years of immense suffering HE began to teach me how to run again, how to TRUST again, how to speak life over myself and others again.  HE gave me my life back, brought me back to life, as I started not only seeing HIS goodness in the land of the living, but experiencing it for myself

With each new step HE took me, each new layer being revealed, HE sang a new song over me.  Sometimes it would be multiple new songs in a short time span, and other times, HE would have me meditate, pray about, and ruminate in whatever song HE was teaching me.  Suffering has been the hardest part of my journey that I have had to endure each and every day.  It's something that I haven't been able to escape or pray away.  I couldn't stuff it enough; I couldn't numb myself enough.  I couldn't outrun the pain, I couldn't hide from it, as I have shared in the past that the very moment, I realized that even if I were to get on an airplane and fly to the other side of the world, there I would still be, and my heart would still be so utterly broken, and I would still be desperately missing my son.  

I've come to a place of understanding, and well I guess you could say mostly peaceful that I won't know the answers to my questions until the day I step into HIS GLORY.  Until then, I will repent, surrender, ask, seek, knock, pray, and wait....... I will write, speak, and live out my faith for HIM.  I will face each day with HIM, walking hand in hand with HIM. I will keep my eyes open and focused on HIM, as to NOT miss HIS goodness that HE has for me to experience here in the land of the living.  Even if it means with tears in my eyes, and well as of right in this moment of time, i am flooded with tears daily.  

HE has been so merciful to me to teach me how to be honoring in my grief.  HE has lovingly held me in the deep sorrow as I take each new step with every milestone I am facing.  As just last night, I was ordering groceries for this next week, and on Tuesday we're planning on having Seth's favorite foods.  When it came time to order go-go squeezes, I couldn't find the flavor he loved, and I broke into tears when I realized the enormous variety that is now available.  The more I searched for his favorite foods, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more I felt HIM pull me even closer to HIM.  Even as I type the memories of our last meal with him, I'm crushed, as I didn't have any idea it would be our last. 

If only, I could go back, if only I could have known, I would have held him longer.  I would have said I love you a million more times.  I would have kissed JESUS with him a million more.  I would have held him so close to me.  I would have memorized everything about him.  If only.... for one more moment, one more dance, one more jump, one more up up up, one more mama me me me.  If only.... gosh 12 years, it's so unreal... seemingly a lifetime ago...... and so yesterday.  

Precious Dear Ones,

JESUS is near, HE is so very close.  HE is waiting for you to reach for HIM, as HE is right there ready to hold you, to help you, to heal you.  Lean back in HIS arms and feel HIM pull you even closer still. Your tears, your pain, your struggle, all that you have endured, ALL of it matters to HIM.  You, yes, YOU matter to HIM, and HE loves you with a deep everlasting love.  HE has good plans for your life, plans for healing and restoration for your JOY, HOPE, and PEACE.  HE is ALL of those things for you, and when you don't understand how, or why, well HE WILL show you, HE delights in showing you just how deeply loved and cared for that you are by HIM.  Dear Ones, with JESUS you are NEVER alone, NEVER forgotten, HE is there with you, singing a new song over you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time. JESUS loves you even when, and even though, no matter the evens HE loves you.  Do you hear HIM saying your name?  HE is, and HE is right there waiting for you, with open arms, without condemnation.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love compassion, empathy, and deep gratitude,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather