12

Yesterday was the final day of the 12rh year of grieving my son.  It was his homecoming to JESUS day, and my family and I did our best to honor Seth's life and spent the day doing one of his favorite things.   We went to a pumpkin patch, as Seth loved Halloween.  He loved piders (spiders) and he loved people.   Every October 13th have always been a day that until this moment in time, I tried my best to just keep it together.  To not cry too much.  To not dwell on the fact that Seth had died, and that I still remembered so much of the worst day of my life.  

This I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still, as I fought to swallow my tears.  HE was letting me that HE meant what HE said when I was no longer to manage my grief, but to grieve with HIM.   HE made that very evident yesterday whenever I looked at my watch and saw the time.  Such as at the 11:30am time, I remembered was when I took my two daughters and their friend to the store for snacks.  I remembered Seth wanting to go and crying at the door.  I remembered backing out of the driveway, seeing his little face pressed against the glass and me saying, "oh I just love him."  Not knowing that day would be my last day to see him do that ever again.

Tears fell all throughout the day yesterday.  I cried with each moment that was a reminder, just like when a little girl was playing with her mama's necklace and wrapping her sweet little arms and her hands touched her mama's face.  I felt that, that moment where I stood at the microwave warming up lunch and Seth reached up to me to pick him up.  I remembered his sweet voice, "mama me me me, up up up."  I remembered his little arms wrapped around my neck, and his little hands on my face.  Him looking into my eyes, as if remembering everything he could about me.  We danced, and kissed JESUS (my cross necklace that he was fascinated with) a million times.  Then I set him down to serve lunch, and he climbed on his chair and laid down as he wasn't feeling good.  

Around the 4 o'clock hour I glanced to my right and saw an ambulance, and I was immediately brought back to the moment when I was collapsed in the driveway, and I felt the first responder jump on the grass with Seth in his arms.  I remembered watching the ambulance drive away, the sirens, I still hear them.  The pain of that moment hit the deepest part of my grief, and tears spilled out. Falling like rain.  Later I would see a Mama holding her sweet little boy on her back, and I watched him hold onto her neck, jumping and shrieking at the excitement of what he was seeing.  That is when my tears became too much for me, and I had to step away for a moment to just breathe.  

The rest of the day, whenever the time was remembered, I felt HIM pull me even closer.  HE knew how badly I was hurting.  HE knew how much I ached from missing Seth.  HE knew, and HE held me, and caught every single one of my tears.  HE knew how relieved I was to have made it through another year of honoring Seth.  HE also knew just how weary I would be this morning, as tomorrow is October 15th, and that is Seth's birthday.  This year, he would be 14.  An age where I feel so much further from knowing my own son.  HE knows, and HE is with me.  Holding me, helping me through the pain of missing him.  HE knows how much I hate this plan, how much I wish so badly that things could be different.   HE knows how much I wish people knew, and understood, but then that would be they too would have had to suffer just like me, and I wouldn't wish this on even the meanest person I know.  So instead, I just cry, and let the pain out.  I cry out all the words stored up, buried deep inside.  I weep with JESUS, for I know full well that HE weeps with me. 

This year I am learning to cry with JESUS, to not hide, but to let HIM into my pain.  I am experiencing what it means to have NO condemnation for those who are in CHRIST JESUS.  This I know, understand, and choose to TRUST.  For this very reason, I keep choosing to seek HIM.  I keep surrendering all that I don't understand, surrendering all that hurts me.  I keep crying out to JESUS to please help me.  I keep pressing in and through my deep well of faith that HE has created and cultivated deep within me.  I keep writing, and signing my name to HIM, as I pour my heart out to HIM.  Ravah (my new name given to me by HIM) means immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  For this very reason, I keep moving forward, asking to be transformed, renewed, and refined even more.  As at the end of this life, I want to BE KNOWN by my faith, that even when my son died, even when all that has happened to me, I still chose JESUS.  That if you knew me, encountered me, you would have SEEN JESUS in me.  You would have SEEN HIS LIGHT SHINING in me and through me.  So that ALL PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY would be HIS.  

There is still so much I don't understand, and I struggle to TRUST, but I've learned that HE has a plan for that too.  HE delights in me, and well if you're reading this, HE delights in you too!

Precious Dear Ones,

It's not if, it's when, as deep loss affects everyone of us.  While my grief is childloss, there is also, widowhood, orphaned, sibling loss, job loss, divorce, and even loss of a beloved pet (who to many are family) My fervent prayer is that my life is a reflection of HIS Graciousness towards all people.  That the same kindness, patience, and consideration are given to all of whom I encounter.  I pray that in sharing my story, it will be ALL FOR HIS GLORY

In the deepest love, respect, understanding and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

New Song

It would be so easy for me to give up when life becomes so overwhelming.  It would be easy for me to lay down and just check out with mindless tv watching.  It would be easy for me to stuff all the pain that I am experiencing, and just stuff until I am numb. It would be easy to self soothe, and to just do whatever makes me feel good.  Well, it would be easy, until the reality of how self-destructing all of that actually is.  This I've learned, and well if I am being honest, I am continuing to learn. 

Heartwork continues of consumption, and releasing my self-management role, over to HIM WHO Is more than capable of handling ALL of my life.  HE is my creator after all, the AUTHOR and PEFECTOR of my FAITH, the reason I am still alive, the WHY I survived ALL that I have.  And if I really think about what HE has been doing, and is continuing to do in my life, I am realizing more and more that surviving was NEVER the plan.  So, even when, even though, I am so overwhelmed by the next layer being pulled back, for me to shed, I am learning to know and TRUST that it is ALL for my good.  

This morning, HE has led me to learn a NEW SONG- "My Story Your Glory" By Matthew West

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In all things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One reason WHY I'm livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR Glory

ALL of me, ALL for YOU

Let ALL I say and ALL I do

Point to the ONE WHO changed my life

And let me speak the legacy I leave behind

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In ALL things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One Reason WHY I'm Livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR GLORY

Truly HE is in the details of my life.  Working ALL things out for my good.  Because HE is just that good.  My life is so drastically different from where it was just 10 years ago.  As 10 years ago I had just spent almost 2 years unpacking and processing the loss of my son.  This coming Tuesday will be 12 years, and WOW have things changed.  This I know to be TRUE as last night I was given the opportunity to sit amongst a group of my sisters in CHRIST as one of us shared, and shed tears of agony as she unpacked, and processed the loss of her own son.  Together with 15 other women we held space for this precious sister, and held her story, her tears, her agony, and called on JESUS and HIS ANGEL ARMIES to surround her, to help her, to flood her with HIS PEACE, to give her grace to grieve, space to grieve, to cry, to mourn.  Tears fell for her, and with her.  And I, well I was honored, to not only hold space for her, but was honored and blessed to pray for her, and to intercede on her behalf, because I knew those tears of agony.  I knew the questions of why, and how could this possibly be the plan.  Processing how it was that she is to live without her son.  I recognized her pain, her tears, and the deep sorrow that has now become a part of her.  And I prayed, and thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS that I knew HE was and will ALWAYS BE for her as well.

I guess you could say this is healing.  This is what it means to be alive. "To be among the BLESSED to Mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4, that quite honestly when I began my suffering journey, I felt everything but blessed.  I felt cursed, and betrayed, as the pain was excruciating.  I thought I would surely die from how bad the pain ripped through me Slowly over time though, HE rescued me from the deep dark abyss of agony, sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE brought me to the survivor's shore to recover, learning first how to sit up again, then to stand, then to walk, and after 7 long years of immense suffering HE began to teach me how to run again, how to TRUST again, how to speak life over myself and others again.  HE gave me my life back, brought me back to life, as I started not only seeing HIS goodness in the land of the living, but experiencing it for myself

With each new step HE took me, each new layer being revealed, HE sang a new song over me.  Sometimes it would be multiple new songs in a short time span, and other times, HE would have me meditate, pray about, and ruminate in whatever song HE was teaching me.  Suffering has been the hardest part of my journey that I have had to endure each and every day.  It's something that I haven't been able to escape or pray away.  I couldn't stuff it enough; I couldn't numb myself enough.  I couldn't outrun the pain, I couldn't hide from it, as I have shared in the past that the very moment, I realized that even if I were to get on an airplane and fly to the other side of the world, there I would still be, and my heart would still be so utterly broken, and I would still be desperately missing my son.  

I've come to a place of understanding, and well I guess you could say mostly peaceful that I won't know the answers to my questions until the day I step into HIS GLORY.  Until then, I will repent, surrender, ask, seek, knock, pray, and wait....... I will write, speak, and live out my faith for HIM.  I will face each day with HIM, walking hand in hand with HIM. I will keep my eyes open and focused on HIM, as to NOT miss HIS goodness that HE has for me to experience here in the land of the living.  Even if it means with tears in my eyes, and well as of right in this moment of time, i am flooded with tears daily.  

HE has been so merciful to me to teach me how to be honoring in my grief.  HE has lovingly held me in the deep sorrow as I take each new step with every milestone I am facing.  As just last night, I was ordering groceries for this next week, and on Tuesday we're planning on having Seth's favorite foods.  When it came time to order go-go squeezes, I couldn't find the flavor he loved, and I broke into tears when I realized the enormous variety that is now available.  The more I searched for his favorite foods, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more I felt HIM pull me even closer to HIM.  Even as I type the memories of our last meal with him, I'm crushed, as I didn't have any idea it would be our last. 

If only, I could go back, if only I could have known, I would have held him longer.  I would have said I love you a million more times.  I would have kissed JESUS with him a million more.  I would have held him so close to me.  I would have memorized everything about him.  If only.... for one more moment, one more dance, one more jump, one more up up up, one more mama me me me.  If only.... gosh 12 years, it's so unreal... seemingly a lifetime ago...... and so yesterday.  

Precious Dear Ones,

JESUS is near, HE is so very close.  HE is waiting for you to reach for HIM, as HE is right there ready to hold you, to help you, to heal you.  Lean back in HIS arms and feel HIM pull you even closer still. Your tears, your pain, your struggle, all that you have endured, ALL of it matters to HIM.  You, yes, YOU matter to HIM, and HE loves you with a deep everlasting love.  HE has good plans for your life, plans for healing and restoration for your JOY, HOPE, and PEACE.  HE is ALL of those things for you, and when you don't understand how, or why, well HE WILL show you, HE delights in showing you just how deeply loved and cared for that you are by HIM.  Dear Ones, with JESUS you are NEVER alone, NEVER forgotten, HE is there with you, singing a new song over you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time. JESUS loves you even when, and even though, no matter the evens HE loves you.  Do you hear HIM saying your name?  HE is, and HE is right there waiting for you, with open arms, without condemnation.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love compassion, empathy, and deep gratitude,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

waterfall

 "Who told you that?"  Genesis 3:11

It wasn't enough for HIM to FREE me, to REDEEM me from the lies that stole my ability to just grieve, to just cry, to just miss, to pour out the sorrow that has piled up in my soul.  No, HE had even more healing for me to receive, to feel, to experience, to live out, to thrive through.  Another level, a new layer, of sorrow, sadness, agony, and the deepest pain buried within me is being released.  

When I wrote manager last week, I thought the only thing I was managing was my grief for my son.  Well, that is until two nights ago when a moment, an unexpected conversation with D brought out the deepest pain that I've never spoken to anyone, not even my therapist.  Not in all the years, all the therapy offices of which I've poured my heart out have I ever spoken about what I endured, what was done to me starting at age 2.5 years old.  Where I was still a baby girl, who didn't have agency to make my own decisions, and I was at the mercy of the people who were put in charge of caring and nurturing of me.  

Without warning the hardest deepest pain began to pour from my eyes, as my chest felt so heavy.  I struggled to breathe through the sobs, as all the years of abuse that I endured at the hands of the person put in charge of raising me.  The horror's that I experienced and endured, the pain and agony that at age 4 I couldn't even cry.  I couldn't cry out, as I realized no one was going to come to save me.  I was alone, this was it, and it was all I could do to just survive.

D sat silently next to me handing me tissues, listening as the details that I had kept hidden, buried so deeply poured out of me.  It was as those I was standing under a waterfall of tears, only it was me I was the waterfall. The tears were releasing 46 years of traumatic events that occurred almost daily for me.  Lies buried, that kept me locked in a prison unable to escape, instead I became acquainted with my chains, I welcomed the security of knowing the boundaries of gagged tears, pain that what was once so sharp, became dull, and familiar, to where I just learned to accept it would always be apart of me.

The LIE- the blanket statement that I've made many times over the past decade or so of my life.  "I was raised by a pedophile from the time I was 4 until I was 15."  That's it, that's all I would say.  Just like I would say, "Hi my name's Heather and my favorite color is blue."  Just typing that out, I feel HIM pull me even closer still.  I hear HIS voice, "Precious Dear Heart, I never intended for you to just swallow your tears, to manage the worlds perception of how well you managed your pain.  I never asked you to just live with it or just get over it.  I never asked you to minimize your pain, so who told you that?"  

This was the question that awakened me from slumber this morning.  That while waking up singing "I know my REDEEMER lives."  I knew HE was doing something new, but I was still unpacking what it was that HE was wanting me to know, to understand, so that I would be able to TRUST HIM.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is bringing me back to the beginning where my agency was stolen, and in order for me to survive I had to learn to swallow my tears, thus becoming a waterfall. Pain and tears swallowed because releasing them, talking about it would be too much for anyone to hear about, much less do anything about.  Afterall during the time of the hardest most intense moments of abuse I was in counseling for other matters of abuse from age 2.5. Even in the context of a counselor's office, someone who was supposed to be "trained" to SEE, well I was hidden in plain site.  In the few times where tears fell from my eyes, I quickly masked them under the guise of anger, about something trivial.  As to not being attention to the hell on earth that I was enduring, and merely surviving.

"You weren't called to Manage Hell in your life, HE assigned you to confront it" 

 Joanna Beck

This quote really spoke to the current battle I find myself in.  If I am being honest, I am quite tired.  I am worn out from crying since last month.  This month of October is truly kicking my butt.  The missing of my son has increased, and the pain of losing him is rising to the surface, as more milestones of what should have been, but aren't assault my mama heart.  I'm also watching each of his siblings miss him and grieve him in their own way.  As well as his daddy, who misses his little dude so very much.  This next week on Tuesday will be the Threshold of 12 years of living without Seth.  12 years of clinging to HIS garment, holding tight to HIS HOLY PROMISES. and experiencing HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.

For the past 5 years of my life, HE has begun to release the waterfall of pain that I have buried as to not offend anyone with the amount of pain inflicted upon me.  Part of releasing my pain has been learning what spiritual warfare actually looks like.  Confronting the lies that have oppressed me from a very tender age.  Lies that have wrecked me, playing as a broken record that caused me to take on more that I could possibly bear.   Lies that told me it was all my fault, and all my responsibility.  Lies that kept me imprisoned, paralyzed in thinking I was too much, yet not enough.  Lies that kept me from receiving the LORDS love that is just.for.me.  Lies that have been silenced by HIS TRUTH, that I have released the emotions attached to each wound that HE has brought to the surface for me to release to HIM.  The pain, that I've buried, not only for child loss, but all for the loss of my own childhood.  

HE is REDEEMING ALL that has been stolen.  Thankfully not all at one, because well HE is indeed merciful to NOT inflict that amount of heartwork upon me all at once.  Rather tenderly, gently, compassionately, because of HIS DEEP INTENTIONAL, UNCONDITONAL, ENDLESS, EVERLASTING LOVE for me.  HE has poured HIS strength into me to understand why I am wearing HIS ARMOR, why HE is having me release my own self armor to HIM, so that I am prepared to fight as HIS warrior daughter, as I know I am a daughter to THE KING.  I know WHO I am, because I TRUST WHOSE I am.

I am continuing to BE SET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.... ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Precious Dear Ones,

HE SEES you, HE knows you, you are HIS, a daughter, a son, to THE KING.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to restore, renew, redeem, and refine you.  To give you beauty for your ashes.  So that you will be able to testify that it has only been because of HIM that you been kept alive.  That only through JESUS because of JESUS you've endured, you've fought, and you've survived.  May you know that you were created for so much more than just a mere surviving existence.  May you allow HIM to search and know your heart, for you to surrender ALL to HIM.  To bring you to a point where you can say, "LORD JESUS whatever that is in me, that is NOT from you, take it out of me."  Should today find you with tears pouring from your eyes, as managing your pain the way you always have isn't working anymore, may you know that you too are a waterfall meant to pour out, to release the pain buried so deep within.  Dear Ones, HIS plan for you is deeply personal and is just.for.you.  May today be the day you ask HIM to come into your heart and allow HIM to begin a good work within you.  May it be that if you have already asked HIM to come into your heart, may you experience HIS goodness as you SEE HIS SOVEREIGN and MIGHTY hand at work within you and your life.  May today be the day where you begin to heal from what has been done to you, may you experience HIS tender, gentle, and compassionate love that is just.for.you.  May you TRUST HIM, even with your anger, as HE can take it, all of it.  ALL of your questions, worries, doubts, and even your fears.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to help you through ALL of it.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, empathy and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

manager

Her raw honesty, sharing her heart of how my story, the loss of my son scared her.  That hearing my story has caused her greatest fear to rise to the surface to be front and center.  I watched as she spoke, tears stream from her eyes.  I knew she felt horrible about what she was feeling, and even more so sharing and speaking it out.  As I sat and listened to her relay her deepest fears, I fought the urge to comfort, and ending up doing so a little, and then I felt HIM pull me even closer, letting me know HE was there with me.  I knew HE was doing something new, but I hadn't a clue as to what it was.  By the end of our time together my own tears were rising to the surface, and all I could do, was flee.

I made it out to my car before the dam burst, and I found myself wailing tears of agony.  I couldn't understand why or what was happening to me.  The more I tried to calm myself and prayed for my tears to lessen the harder I cried.  Memories of Seth's car seat flash before my eyes.  Remembering the moment where D lovingly said to me that we needed to move his car-seat as to make room for our company that was with us for our 1st Christmas without our son.  My sobs of agony shook my body, as I remembered the woman at church, her response to my broken heartedness that morning at church.  I had bravely shard the pain of having to move Seth's car seat, how his Tweety Bird, and blanket wouldn't be seen in the rear-view mirror, and my tears just poured from my eyes.  Her response, "He is so much safer where he is now than he ever was in that stupid car seat."  Her words filled me with instant regret for speaking out my grief, and unbeknownst to me I swallowed her words, and shame and guilt took the place of grief that day, and every day thereafter ensued an overwhelming challenge for me to learn to manage my grief as to comfort those around me, not to upset someone else's good day with my sadness, sorrow, pain, or agony.  

As I began to process what transpired yesterday with the woman crying about how my story affected her, I knew HE was doing something new.  Here's the truth, I, Heather since October 19, 2014 (the day D and I laid our son's earthly body to rest) made an agreement that I would be the Manager of my grief.  This is because within the first two weeks of losing Seth I would experience well-meaning people say some of the most horrible things to me.  Their words, not ill-intentioned were stupidly muttered, with no thought of the implications of what they were saying, other than they wanted to shut me up.

The truth was then and is now, that most people who meet me, or who have known me before or after are very uncomfortable with how much I am willing to openly grieve.  Not only that, whenever someone new hears my story of the death of my son, it's as though child loss is contagious.  They just can't seem to grasp how I'm even still alive, as they for sure would have died if it were their child.  How they wouldn't get out bed in the morning, or how they would have to been buried with their child as they would've thrown themselves on their child's casket. Well-meaning well-intentioned people have also told me that I needed to remember that I had other children to love and care for.  My response, well in my head "thank you captain obvious what would I have done without you reminding me of the very thing that I am battling to not give up, to keep going, for them not to lose me too."  In my head I said this, in reality, I swallowed their words, their judgement, and I cried even more because I knew life would be hard, I just never realized how cruel it would be.

Prayerful, prayer filled people said some of the harshest things to me.  One of my deepest pains being told that the way I was grieving was offensive to them. That they felt as if though I didn't appreciate their prayers and support by the way I was grieving.  I swallowed those words and made a vow not to trust anyone with my thoughts or feelings about losing Seth.  Even now as I sit and type this blog, I remember specifically a moment during a group gathering that D and I attended together where my mental state was discussed.  That the words were spoken that I needed to promise to go on medication and stay on it forever, so that the group would be able to handle doing life with me.  Never realizing the words said to me were absorbed, swallowed and began to wreck me pulling me further away from wanting to even continue living, not because I wanted to die, rather because the pain of just merely surviving was more than I could bear.

The reality is this, I could write an entire book about all the horrible things said and done to me through well-meaning people.  However, thankfully HIS PLANS are far greater than mine, and HE is leading me to remember so that I may surrender my role as manager of my grief.  Through surrender, HE is teaching me that HE never intended for me to carry their words, their opinions, their actions, not a single moment of anything from someone else on my own shoulders.  That HE is preparing me for this second half of my life to LIVE FREE - FREE from isolation, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment.  This I am learning starts with Surrender and leads me to the Hard and Holy work that awaits me.  

So here it is, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is letting go of the role as manager of my grief, so that I will continue my journey of pursuing HIS peace.  That when words are said that are unkind, accusatory, or judgmental, I will know I am to observe what is being said and release it to JESUS.  That I don't have to, nor was I ever created to absorb all insults, judgements and lies spoken about me, or to me.  I am learning the life changing difference of observing vs. absorbing.  At first, I was taken aback that the LORD would want to REDEEM all that was stolen from me in grieving my son, however when I took a closer look at what I know about HIS character and promises to me and for me, well I'm not surprised, and I am humbly grateful.  I am thankful to know that HE truly is keeping HIS word to me, HIS HOLY PROMISE that is my life verse "Being confident of this, that HE WHO began a good work in you, will carry it on until the day of completion of CHRIST JESUS."  Philippians 1:6

This I know. this I've experienced, this I've lived, this I am living proof of right in this very moment of time.  CHOSEN on purpose to GLORIFY HIM with my life, with sharing my JESUS STORY.  A hard and heavy story, where HIS character and promises are on full display, as the story didn't stop with the death of a beloved child, rather HE left the 99 to reach HIS one-of-a-kind beloved child.  My story may not be full of rainbows, puppies, and unicorns, however it's full of endless grace, mercy, and peace.  I've survived some of the hottest fires meant to burn me alive.  I've endured every parent's worst nightmare, and I've overcome things that would burn others alive.  All because of JESUS, and that is why I write, why I share, why I continue to meet HIM in OUR HOLY QUIET PLACE, for HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  ALL FOR HIS GLORY is how I choose to share my JESUS story, how I want my life to be remembered.  That on that day when I step into HIS GLORY, HE will look at me, and say, "well done good and faithful servant."

Precious Dear Ones,

I don't know what your tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds ALL of your tomorrows, as HE is the ONE who holds ALL of our tomorrows.  Should tomorrow be the day where suffering enters your life, and your heart is broken, I pray that my story, my faith shared will inspire and encourage you to cry out to JESUS.  Maybe your life has already been irrevocably changed and you're struggling to even get out of bed.  Maybe the pain you've endured has caused you to isolate and pull away from people.  Maybe you've given up on life and have decided you'll just survive until you die.  That maybe if you tip toe quietly, not draw attention to yourself, keep yourself small, don't talk too much, and try your best not to be too much, then maybe, just maybe you'll be able to make it just one more day.   Precious Dear One, YOU- yes, YOU are worth far more than a just maybe existence.  YOU are NOT too much for JESUS, YOU are NOT a mistake, YOU are NOT the mistakes you've made.  The chains, the bondages, the vows, the lies, ALL of it are not the end of YOU- HE has far greater plans for healing and freedom for you.  HE knows why you stack the bottles or maybe stash the bottles.  HE knows why you swallow the pills and steal to get them. HE knows the weight of guilt and shame you carry in keeping the lie.  HE SEES you striving for acceptance, HE knows the performance, the intricate song and dance you do every single day to keep up appearances that you are indeed okay, for if anyone truly knew the real you, they would run.  HE knows why you shop and why you STUFF yourself, your home, your family, and your life and those around you.  HE knows the addictions you have been battling, the one where you promise "this is the last time."  HE knows what you've had to do to maintain your lifestyle, and HE knows what you too have become the manager of.  HE knows the pain you are masking, and the pain you STUFF deep down, and why you self-medicate and even why you self-harm.  HE knows why you began to take things, to help you cope, to help you survive another day.   HE knows, HE SEES you, not as a thief, not as a failure, but as HIS BELOVED child.  Dear One who is reading this, HE loves you, HE knows and HE has good plans for your life.  Cry out to JESUS, ask HIM to BE the LORD AND SAVIOR of your life.  HE is there waiting, HE loves you.  HE will fight for you, HE will teach you to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  This is my fervent prayer for every soul that reads this GOD Breathed, Heaven sent blog post.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, empathy, and deep compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

don't give up

The easiest thing for me to do is to isolate.  To shut down and shut out the world.  To go silent in my faith, to hide away from all that hurts me.  To swallow my tears, to stuff the pain, well that is until...... I come to the end of myself once again.  Suffering I've decided is by far the hardest cross I've had to bear.  It's the hardest way of living that I've ever known.  Having to survive the agony of the death of my child.  Forced to say my hardest goodbye.  Standing at the gravesite, pulling myself away from the truth of my son's earthly body being lowered into the ground into his temporary resting place.  Walking away forever, irrevocably changed by the horrors that my eyes have seen.  Waking up every morning that I am one day closer to stepping into HIS GLORY, where HE will wipe away the tears from my eyes, and I will know that my time of suffering has come to an end.   

I long so much for that day and until then, it's when I've reached my limit of, I can't do this anymore.... HE whispers deep from within the Heaven's "Precious Dear Heart, Don't Give Up. I know you're tired.  I know how much it hurts.  I know you're in pain, I know you're weary from being so brokenhearted.  I know Precious Dear Heart, and I'M here.  I'M here to help you, to hold you, to heal you, to comfort you, to give you MY peace, to SHINE MY light for you to SEE.  I know how heavy this walk has been.  I promise I WILL always give you the strength to endure.  I WILL provide ALL you NEED to fight the battle's you are facing.  I'M in this with you, I promise I'M NEVER leaving you, I'M never forgetting about you.  You don't have to carry this alone.  I'M in it ALL with you.  You can TRUST ME, I'M here, Don't Give Up on ME"

This past month has been extremely heavy and challenging.  I've felt the distance between HIM and my heart.  I've struggled to pray, to write, and it seems all I have been able to do is cry.  This I am learning is because HE NEVER intended for me to learn to just cope in suffering.  HE never intended for me to just cope and hurry up and get through the suffering as to not make anyone around me uncomfortable with my grieving.   HE is letting me know that its time, as I've made it deep into the belly of grief, where I am remembering not only that Seth died, but even more that he lived.  My memories have slayed me; my tears have become my food. and I've found myself crying tears of agony once again.  As the memories of my last moments with him play over in my mind, and heart.  Things that were buried the day I walked away from the grave, where I detached myself from the pain of having to say my hardest goodbye.  Recognizing and verbalizing that a part of me died and went to heaven with Seth when JESUS called him home.

Soon, it will be the 12th year of Seth's homecoming, and honestly, I find myself so brokenhearted in the reality of that.  So much I miss him so desperately.  I miss not having suffering as my companion, who stays with me, who at a moment's notice causes tears to stream from my eyes and pool as oceans at my feet.  Suffering that makes me so attuned to what breaks HIS heart, the FATHER'S heart, which causes me to mourn for the brokenhearted.  For I know full well what it's like to be so immensely brokenhearted.  My tears are no longer just for me, but for the heaviness that I discern, because through my own suffering my spiritual eyes have been opened.  My heart aches and yearns for the world to know, to SEE JESUS as it's LORD and SAVIOR, how this life is impossible to avoid suffering.  This I've learned, for I know suffering doesn't discriminate, for NO ONE in this life escapes from suffering at some point in their life.  Even if they are able to avoid relationships, they suffer in loneliness and isolation, with lies of oppression of abandonment, betrayal, jealousy, and bitterness.  ALL cancers to the soul, which drive a precious being to cope through addiction, and ultimately when coping no longer works they give up entirely.

This I know, I've experienced in my own life, and have the blessing to hold the stories of so many of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  When I sit in rooms praying on their behalf, calling on JESUS name, for HIS ANGEL ARMIES to cover their life.  As I watch JESUS in DIVINE ENCOUNTERS leading the oppressed to freedom and healing.  I have witnessed to many precious moments where JESUS has met the last, the least, the lost, and the forgotten.   Where HE has invited me to go on the mission of leaving the 99 to reach HIS ONE.   I have had the opportunity to cheer JESUS on, as I SEE HIM set the captives FREE.  The very same FREEDOM that I have experienced in my own life.   This FREEDOM that I've had to learn to fight for, to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Daily putting on HIS ARMOR Ephesians 6:10-20.  I've learned to pray PSALM 91 in the times where safety is an issue as fear is all consuming.  This is the way HE has equipped me to CRY out to the HEAVENS for help, for myself and for my family, specifically my children.

I have learned that when I surrender my weakness to HIM, that is when I get out of the way, and HE leads me.  For I know full well it is HIS Strength that is enabling me to keep going, so that I Don't Give Up. This morning I was awakened at 5:55am to come meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  Where HE met me right where I was, as I poured my heart out to HIM. Through worship music, HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over me. through back-to-back worship song's titled, "Don't you give up on me" one being HIM telling me not to give up, and one where HE knows I'm afraid of HIM giving up on me, for I am so very tired and worn out from suffering."  

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is this:  keep going, keep trusting, keep praying, keep believing, keep pressing in, keep pressing through, keep surrendering, keep opening up, keep seeking, keep asking, keep knocking, keep my eyes on HIM, keep going precious Dear Heart, and Don't Give Up.  Truly HE knows how homesick for Heaven I am.  HE knows how tired I am from all the hard and holy work that HE has called me to do.  HE knows how worn out I am from crying.  HE knows how desperate missing Seth has become within me.  HE knows how deep the longing for relief and reprieve goes.  HE knows what I NEED before I even ask.  HE knows that I NEED comfort in the pain and sorrow.  This I am learning is why JESUS is called the Man of Sorrows, NOT because HE takes it from us, rather HE sits with us, in it, enduring the suffering with us.  This is how I know HIS word to BE TRUE, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Precious Dear Ones,

It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know JESUS in a deeply personal way.  That you will open your heart to HIM, and you will have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER with the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, JESUS CHRIST of NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH.  I pray that you SEE JESUS in a new and tangible way, that the lie of you were alone in those moments, that HE will show you right where HE was, and where HE has steadfastly remained with you.  HE knows the pain that you hide away, tucked away that you only allow to show to select few.  HE knows the tears you swallow as to not draw attention to yourself.  HE knows why you reach for the bottle of alcohol, pills, and why you're self-harming.  HE knows why you stuff yourself with shopping, and eating addictions. HE knows why you binge watch TV, shutting out the world., and HE knows why you engross yourself in gambling, and gaming addictions to comfort and soothe yourself.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has good plans to set you FREE from those addictions, for HE wants you to know that HE is your portion.  HE knows why you do what you do and what you NEED.  Comfort, peace, relief, and fuel are ALL provided by HIM, and without HIM, we will keep accepting the counterfeit conveniences that are slowly destroying us.  Eating for fuel, has been a HUGE part of HIS HOLY RESET for my lire, and just as HE has done for me, so will HE meet you right where you are, even if it's dark and messy.  Even if it's in anger and bitterness, even if it's in your hatred and disbelief in HIM.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE wants to help you, to hold you, to heal you, and to comfort you in only a way that HE can.   HE knows the way, HE has walked your path to healing, to a new life, a new way of living, and HE'S waiting for you to open your heart to HIM.  The choice is yours; the invitation is deeply personal just.for.you.  The plans HE has for your life is ONLY for you, HIS one-of-a-kind BELOVED CHILD.  Do you believe that?  Do you even know that is how HE SEES you?  If not, ask HIM and HE will tell you, and even more, HE will show you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and empathy

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

common ground

"Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.  To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some."

1 Corinthians 9:19-22

I always just assumed that HE had me writing HIS DAILY TEACHINGS as a way of me telling my story of what HE has done for me.  To inspire, to motivate others to give their lives to JESUS by just reading my writings.  What I am learning though is so much more.  I am learning that in every situation that I have endured through hardships, tests, trials, and deep sufferings, that my healing isn't just for my benefit, rather to help JESUS reach the last, the least, and the forgotten in letting the brokenhearted, the wrecked, and the battle weary know that HE SEES them.

Honestly, I thought HE would only have me write about my encounters with THE ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, not that I would actually be a part of the rescue.  This became especially true when my son died, and my mind was blown and I thought, "well this is it kid, forever until you die, you're going to cry, grieve, and mourn, and that's it for you."  I didn't SEE any other way, I hated the plan, and I was so devastated that this was my life now and forever more.

This morning, as I began to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, I couldn't help but smile, as I began to SEE my life once again in between the scriptures.  I smiled and thanked HIM once again for surprising me in a new and tangible way, as I began to soak in HIS TRUTH even more of the purpose of my life.  

I am honored to say that in every situation that I have endured, HE has let me know HE will not waste an ounce of it.   HE is taking me back through all the things I've gone through, showed me that in the way that HE taught me, is how I am able to SEE others through HIS eyes.   It's how I am able to write and share of HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.  

More than ever, I am SEEING the world as HE does.  More than every I am discerning WHO is in NEED of prayer, kindness, compassion, and tenderness.  Mostly I am SEEING WHO NEEDS to experience HIS UNFAILING LOVE.  I am SEEING how HE has instilled in me a common ground to help win souls for JESUS CHRIST.  I am truly living out HIS HOLY PROMISES for my life in every situation that I am encountering in my every day.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am truly experiencing what it means to have Monday Morning Faith.  To be in constant and continual prayer for all the saints.  For all the lost souls that are in NEED of a DIVINE ENCOUNTER.  I am truly living a life that I have prayed for all these years that I have been following JESUS.  More than ever, I am really starting to grasp the full commitment I have made to TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART.  I have learned and will continue to learn what it means to NOT lean on my own understanding.  I am learning that HE has revealed to me the common ground on which I stand here in my life, doing my part in the body of CHRIST JESUS to help build HIS KINGDOM here on earth as it is in Heaven. 

Knowing this, I know that as much as I am answering HIS call for my life, my humanness, my selfish ambitions still get in the way.  As sometimes, even though I have common ground, I get frustrated and I forget how I NEEDED JESUS to show me, and I NEEDED JESUS to heal me, and I NEEDED JESUS to set me FREE, and how I NEEDED JESUS to RESCUE me from the mess I made, in the horrible choices I made in choosing my FREE WILL over HIS WILL for my life.  More than ever, I am remembering how many times I've made a mess in choosing to hold onto grudges, to be angry, react in anger, and frustration.  I'm remembering falling so very short of HIS GLORY, and I truly remember all the times where I have shut down, shut out even JESUS in my life because well, hadn't I suffered enough?  Didn't I do enough?  "Oh LORD JESUS help me to get my eyes off of me, as I've done NOTHING without you. "

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ"

2 Corinthians 10:5

I know that it is imperative that I take every thought captive as how quickly my eyes will turn to me, instead of HIM, and I will allow myself to wallow in my own self-pity.  I will self-destruct in my pride, and my selfish ambition.  Knowing this, I am grieved, I hurt knowing I choose this in my humanness.  Therefore, I take EVERY thought captive when I find myself spiraling and I SEEK HIM, cry out to HIM, to JESUS to please HELP ME, as I am a sinner in NEED of a SAVIOR and JESUS is my SAVIOR.  

I am learning it is imperative that I continue to pour myself into a deeply personal relationship with JESUS so that I will become more like HIM.  To be willing to just sit in the quiet of our HOLY PLACE, and just listen, and wait for HIM to speak to my heart.  Tio allow myself to be encompassed in HIS HOLY PRESENCE and let HIS PEACEFUL PRESENCE wash over me.  This I know full well will be a part of a DIVINE ENCOUNTER that will require common ground between myself and whomever HE has sent my way.  

This is especially true in the capacity in the ministry of which I serve.  In the way I am no longer a consumer of the congregation at the church I am a part of.  Rather I go to WORSHIP HIM, and to pray intercessory prayers on behalf of the souls who are struggling to worship in their suffering, As I remember all the times where I struggled to sing of HIS GOODNESS, where I questioned whether or not HE truly was for me.  When my tears poured like rain, and I came undone in front of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST, and in their desperate attempts to fix me, to help me, prayed pacifying prayers that only drove me further into the pit of despair.  Encounters of "trying" to find common ground that led me to isolate even further.  This I know, I've experienced, I've lived, and because of that I know HE has created in me a desire to have common ground with the brokenhearted, the lost, the last, the least, the forgotten, the betrayed, the angry, the shutdown, the isolated, the lonely, the grieving, the ONE WHO HE will leave the 99 for, for them to have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER with JESUS, to BE SEEN, HEARD, KNOWN, and to experience HIS DEEP LOVE that is just.for.them.

Precious Dear Ones:

HE SEES you, this I know to BE TRUE.  I know HIS PROMISES are indeed HOLY, and that HE is STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to remain with you no matter what.  HE loves you and wants to help you.  HE wants to set you free from ALL that burdens you, hurts you, and keeps you in the pit of despair, full of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE wants to free you from the anxiety and depression that has taken over your life.  HE is sending HIS LIVING VESSELS, HIS kids to help HIM reach you to win your soul, to reconcile you back to YOUR HEAVELY FATHER, YOUR ABBA, YOUR CREATOR.  HE has a plan, will you trust HIM, will you let HIM rescue you?  Maybe, just maybe the person whom you have common ground with NEEDS you, or maybe just maybe you NEED them.  In ALL ways, you both NEED JESUS.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, tenderness, kindness, and common ground,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

completely floored

"When Jesus had finished this sermon, the crowds were astonished at His teaching"

Matthew 7:28

I can remember the second time I went into treatment for child loss PTSD.  I along with 3 of my children were seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with CPTSD, a double whammy (diagnosis carried over from my grief therapist) from my childhood, and then child loss.  A diagnosis that she prescribed two different medications to treat clinical depression and anxiety, as well as a sleep aid to help me stay asleep through the night.  

In my third month of treatment the solution that was given to me was that I would never hold a job, heal from PTSD, or be able to do anything more than just staying at home, raising and loving my kids, and basically just surviving my life until I died.  This is where the lie of HOPE for HEAVEN was solidified, as I had succumbed to the pit of despair in losing ALL HOPE FOR LIVING as I had already been begging, pleading and crying to the end of soul for JESUS to please come back. I was crushed by the solution, as I knew somehow, someway I had to do more than survive, but I didn't know how.... the only thing I knew was WHO.... JESUS.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has been a culmination of the last almost year and half as HE has taken me through a HOLY RESET and has brought me to place of complete and total healing in my clinical diagnosis of anxiety and depression.  Honestly, I'm completely floored. and astonished by HIS GOODNESS, and HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  I am blown away by HIS amazing grace and tender mercies poured out for me to step towards healing and learning to THRIVE here in the land of the living.  It is because of JESUS that I am no longer suffering alone, I'm no longer suffering in grief triggers.  It is because of JESUS that I am able to BE ALL IN, to surrender fully, knowing full well what could be asked of me.

Honestly, thinking about what could be asked of me, should scare me, however because of JESUS I have been completely floored by HIS GOODNESS.  What I mean to say is, even if, even when, or even though the worst possible thing could happen again, honestly, I know whatever it may be, if I'm meant to survive it, JESUS will carry me through it.  That not only will I survive, but I will experience HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living once again.  I know full well that no matter how much it hurts, I will survive, if it is to BE HIS WILL for my life.  I will survive, ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

I have learned in the hardest of ways to TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART.  I have been completely floored by HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS, and I'm so grateful to know, to TRUST that I am indeed BLESSED to mourn.  Not that it's a blessing to suffer, rather it's a blessing to suffer with JESUS.  Not that I am thrilled to be hurting, in fact I'm quite exhausted by grief, however I've learned to cry out to JESUS, and HE will give me HIS strength to endure.  

It is now the month of September, and October is on the horizon, staring me down, and the enemy is wanting me in shambles., drowning in a mess of tears.  JESUS though, has completely floored me with how HE has set up not only the month of September, but what is coming this October.  Such as holding HIS hand and keeping my eyes opened to experience ALL of HIS GOODNESS that HE has planned for me.  To not just pray the next few months away, or to want to shut down and shut out the world because living through another year is too painful.  

More and more I find myself being completely floored by HIS goodness, by HIS HOLY PROMISES that have been deeply personal just for me.   This theme of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to remain has been on repeat in my every day of my life for as long as I've known HIM, and even further back, as in the moments where I let HIM into the deepest hidden pains within me, HE has healed me, poured HIS TRUTH as a soothing balm that heals me so much it's as if though nothing ever happened to me.  

Through being completely floored by HIS GOODNESS I have experienced immense healing and freedom.  So much, that I am now able to write from a place of TRUE CONFIDENCE as I know WHOSE I AM.... I know WHO I AM in CHRIST JESUS.  HE has restored me, revived me, healed me, set me apart, and is leading me to pray for the people whom HE has planned for me to encounter in this life that I have been given.  I am being completely floored by HIS plans for my life, as this past year and half has been WILD, and has left me speechless so many times.

So much HE has changed every aspect of my life.  HE has healed me in my body from high cortisol from stress and has brought me to a place of almost a ninety-pound weight loss.  So much that whenever someone sees me who hasn't seen me in quite some time ask me what I did, my response is, 'It's what JESUS DID, it's not me, and it's ALL FOR HIS GLORY."  So much I have been completely floored by ALL the GOOD PLANS HE has had for my life.  Plans that I prayed for, hoped for, but never really thought they would come true, as I had little faith for healing in that way.

Precious Dear Hearts,

Perhaps today should find you all cried out, desperate for relief, and reeling from the irrevocable changed you've been forced to live for your life.  Maybe you've decided to follow JESUS for the 1st time, even though you opened your heart to HIM many years ago.  Perhaps you've felt the conviction to ask, seek, and knock, and you're heart's desire has become to know HIM more, and for HIM to grow your faith even more.  Do you know HIS PROMISES are HOLY, and are deeply personal and just.for.you?  Do you know that HE has good plans for your life?  Will you TRUST JESUS, and be ALL in?  Perhaps this is the beginning, your beginning of being completely floored.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, tenderness, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather