comfort

 Since this past January HE has been doing a mighty restorative work within me.  Six months prior HE gave me much needed rest for my body to heal.  HE brought me to a place of FULL dependence on HIM in leading me to surrender to HIS love, and HIS way of living.  First, it was rest for my weary soul and reset to heal and restore the years the locusts have eaten and that have been stolen by the enemy of my soul. Joel 2:25

 In the first six months of the HOLY RESET, I found myself drawing nearer to HIM and feeling HIM pull me even closer still.  For the first time since Seth died, I was turning to HIM for comfort, and in receiving HIS comfort HE began to teach, lead, and guide me to understand why I was struggling with immense grief and my body was struggling with painful afflictions from the deep loss that I had endured.  Gently, ever so gently HE began to mend my broken heart in such a way that allowed me to rest and be loved.  Slowly over time HE provided me with the much-needed comfort that didn't harm me, as I was learning to let go of my ways of comforting myself.  

What I didn't realize then, but I SEE now is that I had used "stuff" to comfort myself.  From eating to numb the pain, fill the boredom, instead of eating for fuel.  I also used stuff to create a sense of "peace" in my life, but really it was counterfeit peace that didn't last for more than a day at most.  I stuffed for relief of the heaviness that I was carrying.  I stuffed to comfort myself, to create this illusion that everything was okay, when really my body was breaking down.  

I learned that it wasn't enough to destroy my mind, the enemy went after my physical health as well.  Affliction that led me to being nearly bedridden last summer.  In desperation I cried out to HIM.  I cried to the end of my soul and came completely undone.  Agony poured out of me once again, as the physical pain I was experiencing was becoming my undoing.

Little did I know that undoing, was really just HIM meeting me right where I was, preparing my heart, my mind, my soul to be comforted by HIM.  HIS LOVING HOLY PROMISE flowed over me, through my mind, and brought me to a place of complete peaceful rest.  "HE is close to the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:18 - if I am being honest, I hated that I still needed HIM, as I hated knowing that I was still so very much brokenhearted.   I wanted to be better... err.... healed.... well, whatever that means.  I didn't really have a clue.  All I knew was what I was feeling was NOT it, and I knew there had to be a better way.  So instead of surrendering all those years prior, I just tried to "stuff" myself and suck it up butter cup and just keep moving forward.  I tried with all my might to just be okay.  Afterall, I had already survived so much in my life already, why couldn't I just figure out how to just be okay with suffering.

Then this past July a new level of heart work began.  Suffering, and what that meant to me.  How much I struggled to relate to someone else's in my eyes "watered down" version of suffering.  I was angry, bitter, and jealous, and just completely worn out as in my eyes suffering involved life altering change, and the deepest sadness from broken heartedness that I have had to endure since 4pm October 13, 2014.  As it was that very moment where my suffering began, and when you continuously suffer in that way, well ready or not it changes you.

In knowing this, HE began to work in my heart HIS truth about pain and affliction.  HE knew suffering was so very hard for me.  HE knew how much I could recognize and give HIM the glory for ALL the comfort HE had provided for me.  HE knew that I was desperate for my pain to mean something, as I couldn't just constantly find myself in the arena of life with the announcer coming over the loudspeaker, as I'm in the center surrounded by witnesses to my pain and suffering.  As if though the voice over the loudspeaker would say, "oh and here's Heather, let's see what she's facing this time, will she survive it, or will this be the very thing that takes her out?  She's already survived a horrific childhood and survived all attacks and schemes that tried to end her life in her teens and twenty's.  In her thirty's however we were sure she would succumb to the death of her son, but here she is almost twelve years later and she's still standing.  Now keep a close eye on her, as it's back to school season, and her oldest son is a senior in high school, and this would have been the year Seth would be in eighth grade.  Watch her face, will she break in this trial, or will she continue to amaze us with her strength that truly can only come from the LORD?  It will be interesting to see how to she faces this next season of suffering."

This morning, HIS Daily TEACHINGS is reminding me of the comfort that I have received from HIM, and the shared purpose of suffering and comfort that is being used for HIS good.  This for me I am learning is how HE has created in me a heart full of empathy for those who suffer deep loss.  That it's not just parents losing their children, or children losing their siblings, or children losing their parents.  Rather it's all pain of deep loss.  This includes loss of pets, jobs, marriages, relationships., homes, and anything that brings irrevocable change.  As HE so lovingly taught me that ALL pain is universal and that there are only so many words in the human language that can be used to describe pain, so the way I share about my grief in the deep loss of my son, may just be the same as someone who lost their only companion in life who may be their cat or dog.  

Very early on in my grief HE captured my attention to NOT get lost in the anger of the words of well meaning, and even not so well-meaning people.  Rather lean hard on HIM, and TRUST and know that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted. It's taken a long time, but I am know SEEING that same comfort that HE gave me, is the way HIS HOLY SPIRIT leads me to pray for those who are mourning, as I recognize the tears in their eyes.  I know what it's like to fight back the tears.  I know what it's like to battle the lies of oppression in life and how grief always exacerbates the pain that you're already suffering with.  The empathy that HE has created in me, to use for HIS purpose to provide comfort for the brokenhearted, to teach HIS kids how to mourn with those who mourn. 

This is an almost daily occurrence for me now, as the texts of please pray for me, or this is really hurting me, or hey girl life is really kicking my butt.  It has been through the total transparency and authenticity that HE has called me to BE that HE has instilled in me a relatability to connect with the HIS kids, whether they know they are HIS or not.  Now whenever I receive a text, a message, or a call for prayer, I may not always know what to pray, however I do know WHO, and I know that HE will meet them right where they are if they are willing to let HIM into their pain.  

Truly it has been through my deepest pain, that HE has cultivated HIS greatest purpose in my life.  I have learned how to suffer well, to embrace suffering, as until I am called home I will be suffering in the missing of my son.  I will forever NEED HIM to help me, hold me, to comfort me in a way that ONLY HE can.  Truly my life is a living testament to HIS HOLY PROMISES.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God"

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows that has happened.  HE knows what you have endured.  HE knows what's been done unto you, and how you've responded or reacted to the circumstances in your life. HE knows when you walked away and when you stopped trusting HIM, and HE understands why.  HE has a plan to help you, to heal you, to restore you if you will TRUST HIM.   HE knows what it will take for you TRUST HIM, and HE has a plan for that too.  HE loves you, HE knows you, HE SEES you, and HE delights in you even at your worst, HE looks at you with so much love and compassion and say's that is MY child, MY beloved son, or daughter.  HE knows Dear Ones; HE will help you.  HE is with you, even if you feel alone, HE wants to prove to you HE has always been with you.  HE wants to heal you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.  Will you TRUST HIM, will you open your heart to HIM.  Will you allow the GOD of ALL COMFORT to COMFORT you?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with so much love, compassion, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

if

It's in the moments of hardship and trial where I get so battle-weary.  This is so very true for this very moment of my life right now.  A storm that has been brewing for over a decade has finally hit and the revelations that are coming out of it, have leveled me.  But not in the way I had anticipated when the storm first came on my radar just a few short weeks ago.  Honestly when I first got the discernment of a scheme perpetuated by the enemy, I seriously doubted how we could possibly survive another brutal attack.  

Thankfully because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me, HE allowed me a FULL day of tears, to cry out, to process with HIM, to verbalize my angst, anger, frustration, and devastation.  Soon thereafter though HE began to fill me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE by reminding me of the past 8 months of teaching, leading, and guiding me to know, to understand my NEED in having, and keeping a HOLY RESPONSE to the hardships in my life.  This means even if we find ourselves shipwrecked again.

In other words, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM reminding me of my resilient faith, the resoluteness of being able to TRUST HIM, and how HE has instilled in me a TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE truly is in every single detail.  That even when things happen that I didn't foresee on the horizon until it was almost right in front of me, HE knew, and because I know HE is indeed good, I can choose to TRUST HIM, to allow HIM to humble me, to call me to a posture of humility, to seek HIM, and to wait for HIS voice to lead me.

This I know full well... so if I know full well, it's up to me to be resolved enough to live as though I truly TRUST JESUS.  As in the song of "Let it be a Hallelujah" by Lauren Daigle "In every breaking moment, in every blessing that YOU give, let it be a Hallelujah, oh LORD let it be a Hallelujah.  All my hopes and all my fears every trial every tear.  In the chaos, YOU remain Faithful ALL the way.  Through the victories, through the scars.  Let me echo who YOU are. For the GLORY of YOUR NAME.  With every breath that's in me, with every song and melody, let it be a Hallelujah"

This is so true for my life, that it's doesn't matter how destructive the storm, HE has always been there, supply ALL of my needs.  Even when it was just for more breath to keep breathing through the heartbreak.  I have learned in the hardest of ways full dependence and surrender to JESUS because my heart was shattered when my son died.  My mind was blown by the tragedy and horror that I endured.  I know full well that I wouldn't have survived what I did...... had it not been for JESUS.

HIS goodness that has come out of the ashes of my pain has been the gift of intercessory prayer for those who mourn.  To pray for Yahweh to flood the atmosphere with HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to fall down fresh on us, to fill the space with HIS spirit, so that HIS goodness will be made known.  I cry out on behalf of the brokenhearted, in recognizing the brokenhearted within my view.   I am able to pray for healing and comfort because of HIS endless healing and comfort for me.

So, if I am able to pray, to seek, to ask HIM to shelter, to comfort, to heal, to hold, to help then I NEED to do so with absolute resoluteness that can only come from HIM.  Currently I am mostly able to do this, except for in the moments where the grief waves crash over me during milestones that assault my heart in missing my son.  It's when the memories of the deepest pain that I've ever known begin to ache and bleed.   That even though the scars have been tended to, bound up, cared for, and healed at the level of healing I am currently experiencing, grief has a way of taking me back to the deep abyss of overwhelming sadness, and before I know it, I find myself back to those moments, and my tears pour from my eyes.  

It's a tenderness that I have a deep love, hate relationship with. I love that I am able to have a tender heart for the brokenhearted, and for HIS eyes that HE has given me to SEE, to know how to pray for, and on their behalf.  Love as it's HIS continual reminder of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me, of which always brings me to tears.  So, while I love my connection to the tenderness, I also hate the tenderness, the vulnerability, the ache, the pain, the missing still levels me at times.   That even though I know even when my tears become my food once again, and I have a weepy day, I know HE'S with me, HE'S not disappointed in me.  HE will help me always, and HE will continue to pour HIS favor over my life, and if I know this, then I know I am being given a choice TRUST HIM to carry me through what hurts the most.,  

I am learning if is HIS loving reminder that I have been given the gift of free will.  That I don't have to choose to let HIM teach, lead, and guide me, but I choose to, because HE is my refuge, HE is my healer, HE is my Helper, HE is my Champion, HE is my LORD, HE is my SAVIOR, HE is my living HOPE, the anchor for my soul, HE is my JESUS.  So even when I can't hold my head up, and my tears pool as oceans at my feet, I know that not a single one of my tears will ever be wasted.  That I am constantly reminded, solidifying HIS TRUSTWORTHINESS that HE is always making a way.

This I know is HIS purpose for my life, not to just merely survive, rather to edify HIS goodness, HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULLNESS, HIS TRUSTWORTHINESS that HE is Always for me, NEVER against me.  I speak from TRUE CONFIDENCE within, as I've witnessed HIS FAITHFULNESS, I've tasted and SEEN HIS goodness here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

Do you know HIM, have you met JESUS in your life?  Have you SEEN HIM at work in your life?  Have you been rescued?  Have you been healed?  Do you know that you are so deeply loved, SEEN, heard and known by HIM?  Do you know HE has always loved you with an everlasting love.  Do you know that HE considers you to be HIS masterpiece, HIS ONE OF A KIND, the apple of HIS eye?  Do you know that HE is for you, and NEVER against you?  Do you know JESUS like this?  Do you know that of which you have endured, HE knows and HE has a plan to heal you, to help you, to set you FREE from the wounds of what you've endured.  Do you know that HE wants to heal you everywhere you hurt?  Do you know that HE hasn't forgotten you, and hasn't given up on you?  Do you know that to HIM you are NOT a hopeless case, that HIS grace is for you, and is sufficient to carry you through whatever you're going through or have been through?  Do you know that HE died for you, to pay the price for your sins so that you would be reunited with HIS FATHER, your HEAVENLY FATHER?  Do you know JESUS?  Have you ever had an encounter with HIM?  Have you ever been touched by HIS amazing grace?  Do you know JESUS is there to heal you to set you free from the lies of oppression that were breathed into your soul from the time you can even first remember.  Do you know that same lie is the one the enemy schemes to cultivate in your life, in every single relationship you have, to be the broken record of your life?  Do you know that what you're going through just merely surviving was NEVER the plan?  Do you know that HE created you, HE knit you together in your mother's womb?  Do you know that HE smiled as HE watched you grow, and HE couldn't wait for you to be born?  Do you know that HE knew exactly the moment you would read this letter HE is having me write that is just for you?  Do you know that HIS love is deeply personal and is just.for.you?  Do you know JESUS, do you know that HE loves you without conditions?  Do you know JESUS is with you in this moment as the tears stream down your face.  HE is there, HE is waiting, will you trust HIM, will you open your heart to get to know HIM, as intimately as HE already knows you.  Do you want to experience HIS love that say's that is MY SON- DAUGHTER with WHOM I am well pleased?  Precious Dear Ones, these are HIS words for you, not mine.  I only write ALL FOR HIS GLORY

You are so loved,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

even when

being confident of this, that HE who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"

Philippians 1:6

Even when has been HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today through HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE of my life verse of Philippians 1:6 - HE began that work in me first in our HOLY QUIET PLACE and continued in our church's message for the week.  So, the question, "Do you suffer well?"  Our pastor began to detail James 1:2-4, and if you haven't read it before, well Dear One's if I may make a suggestion, seek HIS vision, and ask HIM to give your eyes to SEE to know, to understand what the apostle Paul was talking about when he wrote about how to suffer well. Seek HIS TRUTH and know that HE is in the details of your suffering, and may you then experience HIS peace that surpasses understanding as you begin the process of surrendering to suffering.  

The question was asked, "Do you suffer well?" To be honest just the word suffer causes me to shudder, as my mind and heart, well my whole body remembers when I was forced into suffering.  It can happen in a blink of an eye, and I'm right back to that moment when the switch flipped in my brain as I collapsed in the driveway from the shock and horror of the living nightmare that was unfolding as our whole world was being shattered.  Suffering is something I had to learn to surrender to.  Surrendering to the suffering would be the end of life as I knew it.  Irrevocable changed forced its way through, and all I could do was hope and pray that I would survive it.

In the first few months of suffering the loss of Seth's life, I was obliterated by a Tsunami of pain.  Slowly over time as the wounds began to heal from the inside out, the deep scars of loss were ripped open at each new milestone that we had to face in this life without our almost 2-year-old son.  I often write about Seth's absence being so profound, and the silence of his voice no longer existing in this world as being so absurdly deafening.  The pain was unreal, and it was all I could do to just cling to JESUS.  Cling to HIS HOPE and PROMISES that somehow, someway I would survive the unimaginable deep loss of my son.

Surrendering to the suffering that had taken over my life was so hard.  I would read GOD'S word and hate it, because I didn't understand what it meant for me.  I was looking at it through my eyes, when really, I needed HIS EYES to SEE.  All I knew then was I was NOT ready to say goodbye.  I was angry that I was forced to.  I hated when my grief was judged, as no one truly understood how much pain and agony I was in.  As each day began, I hated that I was still breathing, and despite my praying, begging, and pleading, JESUS did in fact NOT come back, and HE did NOT rescue me from the living nightmare that I was my harsh reality.  To put it bluntly I HATED HIS PLAN, as it was so unfair, and how, how JESUS could there ever be anything good ever again?

Missing, grieving, and suffering was more than too much.  I wanted and desperately needed so badly to just be okay.  I wanted to be woken up with a FRESH HEAVENLY perspective that told me I was going to be okay.  Awakened to HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.  Yet for years, I would awaken to the heaviness of loss, and I felt like a little more of me died with every moment that passed.  Life was so hard, my tears were my food, and it never failed that no matter what was happening in my life, all the roads of struggle, tests, storms, and trials, all led me straight to suffering, grieving, and missing who I once was, and desperately missing my son.

At the end of our church service today an Altar call was made, "if you're not suffering well, and need to surrender to that, and you're ready for the LORD to help you with suffering, we would love to pray for you."  It was in that moment I felt HIS HOLY SPIRIT speak to me, "you know what to pray for, you know what it's like."  My hands extended out to the souls standing in front of me, for the brokenhearted weeping at the altar.  My heart ached as each new person made their way to the altar.  So much pain, sadness, sorrow, and suffering were felt.  The struggles of even if... even when... even though....  hating the plan... and the pain and struggle of hearing a message about suffering as Paul writes in James 1:2-4

Learning to suffer well has been a long, painful process.  It's required me to come to the end of myself, over and over again.  It's been me surrendering, but then surrendering to the pain, and giving in, and just falling apart, coming undone, and praying I'd make it to the next day.  For the longest time I believed the lie that I would surely suffer until I died.  Thankfully JESUS got a hold of my heart and renewed my mind and led me to a total heart transformation, that taught me that pain is universal, suffering is inevitable, and healing and restoration... transformation is a choice.  A choice that HE gives HIS kids when they're ready, and even when they're not HE remains STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL with them, holding them, helping them, breathing HIS PEACE into their lungs, supplying them with HIS GRACE that is sufficient no matter what they are feeling, thinking, even if.... even when. even though.

Even when for me looks quite a bit different these days, as HIS DAILY BREAD lately has been all about having a HOLY RESPONSE no matter the circumstances of my life.  This I know I am only capable of because I have learned and continue to learn how to surrender to suffering with JESUS, not so that I may boast of my own righteousness, rather it's ALL FOR HIS GLORY.  I've learned to embrace what is happening, and not just try to hide away, or pray away my suffering.  I've learned to lean into HIS embrace and let HIM lead me.  I've learned to cry deep into HIS chest, to give HIM ALL of my anger and angst for what I am enduring.  I've learned that life doesn't give me a moment to breathe before the next storm hits.  I've learned that I can't wait till the circumstances in my life to be quieted, rather I NEED to TRUST HIM, that HE is IN THE DETAILS of everything I am needing.  I am continuing to experience HIS GOODNESS in the land of the living that HE doesn't and won't EVER waste an ounce of my pain.  That surrendering to suffering with JESUS is ALL FOR HIS GLORY. 

Truly my life is a living testament of HIS GOODNESS.  How no matter what happens, even if the worst thing that could happen, happens.  HE is still GOOD.  HE is always GOOD, even when I can't see anything beyond the lens of pain that I am in. So Precious Dear Ones, HE is always there to help you, to hold you for as long as you need, to regain your footing.  HE knows how much this is hurting you.  HE knows how much you're missing your life from before.  Before the loss, the diagnosis, the divorce, the betrayal, the abandonment, the accident, and the irrevocable change.  HE knows how many tears you've cried.  HE knows why you don't TRUST HIM, or anyone for that matter.  HE knows why you can't forgive what's been said, what's been done because of the pain, struggle and immense suffering that you have had to endure.  HE knows how tired you are from suffering, HE knows how long it's been and HE knows your so battle weary from just merely surviving.  HE knows when you're barely hanging on, and if you let HIM, when you surrender to be loved, HE will pour out HIS love for you, on you, HE will give you eyes to SEE, HE will reveal HIS plan for you.  HE will teach, lead, and guide you to a total heart transformation.  So, the question today to think about... do you suffer well?  Have you surrendered to suffering... will you TRUST HIM in your suffering?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Grace and Grit

 The life that I am living has only been made possible through the Grace of JESUS CHRIST my LORD and SAVIOR.  It has been because of Salvation that I received through HIS ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for me in the shedding of HIS BLOOD to pay for my sins.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord"

Romans 6:23

This morning was an early rise, as I could hear HIM calling from deep within the heavens unto the deepest part of me.  Telling me to awaken and to meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  Almost immediately I was convicted by my words from yesterday.  As HIS DAILY BREAD lately has been all about consumption, and to heed HIS word, to really think before I speak, and to be HOLY, HONORING, and PLEASING to HIM in everything I do.  As I poured my heart out to HIM, pen to paper I wrote, "LORD JESUS may YOU BE Exalted in everything I do... though I am a mere human, and NEED YOU, oh LORD JESUS I NEED YOUR GRACE."

This is because I'm currently struggling with keeping a HOLY RESPONSE to the happenings in my life, both to me, and those whom I love deeply.  Currently there are quite a few areas of life that are draining me, where if I am not careful, I give the enemy a foothold in my thoughts, words, and actions.  Because honestly, I'm all out of grace for judgments, lies, and to be honest I'm so very tired of having to embrace hard truths.  Life here lately, well it's been rough, but if you knew me, you wouldn't really know it, and this is because of HIS GRACE HE has increased my grit.

HIS DAILY BREAD today is reminding me of all that I've endured, how HE has remained so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL for me to learn HIS ways, through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, of which have prepared me to walk though this very moment in my life, where embracing the truth is hard.  That I am called to remain HOLY in my response, even though I want to scream, and then isolate, and run away from all things that hurt. 

This wanting to scream is sometimes rage that wants to escape, and I have to surrender that to HIM, so that HE can hold it for me, as all it does is destroy me.  HE knows how hard I have fought to get to where I am and is reminding me that I have endured because of HIS grace and grit.  Grace to forgive, to keep TRUSTING HIM, even when it hurts, even when those who've hurt me and those that I love and care for deeply have yet to acknowledge what they've done.  Even worse, grace to forgive myself for believing the deception instead of embracing the truth.

This has been the most challenging thing to have to work through since losing my son.  Oh yeah, then there's that.  All the "you're so strong, and I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed."  And if by some chance, I'm vulnerable enough to say I'm hurting, then it's, "oh you were doing so good, what happened?"  Well, hmmm let's see, my son died, in 2014 and soon it will be 12 years since I last held him, or heard his sing songy voice, and oh yeah, he's gone.... gone.... and with each year that I live without him, there are a million reminders that he is no longer here, and it's like losing him all over again.  A hard truth that I've had to embrace that not everyone is capable of empathy, or even slight compassion for that truth, so instead I just cry alone in my bathroom with JESUS.  Or I give into stop light tears, that are for just a moment and that always lead me to pray for others.

I am learning that HIS grace is what fuels my grit.  What I means is like what Paul writes in James 1:2-4- "consider it pure joy my dear brothers and sisters whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have is full effect so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." This has been one of HIS hardest TRUTHS that I have learned to embrace.  That because of HIS grace, I am being tested, led, and strengthened to endure suffering well.  This is TRUE grace and grit.  This TRUTH has also led me how to fall apart in HIS arms, when suffering becomes too much, and for that I am so grateful for HIS HOLY PROMISE that indeed HE is close to the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18

Suffering has increased my grit, all because of HIS GRACE.  Whenever I've wanted to give up, shut down, and hide away, HE has continuously met me, held me, helped me, and healed me even more.  Healing that causes me to cry, as the thought of agony makes me so grateful that I even survived.  When looking back on those first few months of agony, shock, and deep sorrow were all I could feel.  That I would close my eyes from exhaustion as my tears soaked my pillow, clinging to my son's favorite Tweety bird, his little sock, and his blanket that we brought him home from the hospital with.  That whenever my eyes would first open the devastating reality, the living nightmare was still so very true, Seth had died, he was really gone, and it was up to me to learn how to live without him.  

Remembering those months, and reflecting on the past almost 12 years, and quite honestly for the past 23 years of walking with JESUS, just how far HE has brought me.  That even though I may have not known what was on the horizon, HE knew, and HE prepared me for each test, trial, and storm, to increase my faith because of HIS endless grace for me.  Each time I would learn to surrender to HIM because I needed HIM, not because HE was mad at me, or wanted to punish me. Rather TRUE sacrificial love that changed me, healed me, gave me a new name, and revealed HIS TRUE PURPOSE in my life.  Surrender that taught me how to BE, and remain humble, to realize that I didn't have all the answers, and that HE was leading me to have encounters with people to help strengthen my resolve, and my faith in HIM, and for HIM.

Surrender that continued to teach me about my FREE WILL, and the destruction, chaos, and mayhem that it can, and often does lead to.  Surrender that has loved me through my mistakes and taught me to forgive, because I have been forgiven.  Surrender to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS that are truly for my benefit to stand under an avalanche of HIS grace, as HE increased my grit.  As HIS grace is what fuels my grit, and my grit is how I choose to walk out my faith in my life for every soul whom I encounter.  So, this all leads me back to the pouring out of my heart in my journal this morning. "LORD JESUS, may YOU BE Exalted in EVERYTHING I do today."

Well Precious Dear Ones, 

This is it, HE knows, even before we think, or speak.  HE knows what is on our heart.  HE knows the anger and angst that you feel towards the one or one's whom have hurt or disrespected you.  HE knows how hard you've fought to do the next right thing, and how much you really just want to throw in the towel, and just shut down, and isolate, as doing life with all these humans is too hard.  HE knows how frustrated you feel in the immature responses you've received in your trying to maintain a HOLY RESPONSE.  In short, It can be too peoplely out there.  HE knows how hard it's been to embrace HIS TRUTH, that how you choose to respond needs to exalt HIM.  That lives are changed through you, through your obedience.  HE knows that you may not SEE it yet, but TRULY HE is doing a new thing, and is doing a GOOD work in you and through you, ALL FOR HIS GLORY.  HE SEES you, HE knows you, HE loves you, and HE has a plan for the very thing that keeps you up at night, unable to sleep.  HE knows what keeps your thoughts racing, and how anxious you feel about embracing HIS truth, what it means for you.  HE knows what you're struggling to forgive and why.  HE knows, and Dear Ones, well HE has a plan for that too.  May you come to know, to SEE, to experience in HIS TRUTH that HIS grace truly is sufficient no matter what you may endure, that even if.... even when.... even though... may you receive HIS grace, and may it increase your grit.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

always with love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

In the land of the living

 I am convinced that the enemy did everything he could do to keep me from finding the life that I have been uncovering for the past 4 years.  A life that has led me to living face to face with JESUS.  Where I am being filled with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE, where my life verse has become HIS ABSOLUTE TRUTH, and PURPOSE for my life.  

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"

Philippians 1:6

TRUE CONFIDENCE that has been solidified in my life because of HIS HOLY PROMISE HE embedded into my heart, to hold onto, to cling to when the TSUNAMI of grief obliterated life as I once knew it.  For years I clung to HIS HOLY PROMISE so that I would just keep hanging on.  So that I would get out of bed and take care of myself.  It was HIS HOLY PROMISE that taught me how to be kind to myself, and allow myself space and time to grieve, to cry, and to mourn.  Over time HIS HOLY PROMISE taught me that it was okay to seek RESTORATION of JOY, and that it was okay to want to "more than survive" my life.  That HIS purpose for my life was for me to enjoy my life, and even more than that, to learn how to embrace life as it was, not looking back wishing things were different.  It's where HE so lovingly led to me to know, to understand, to experience HIS GOODNESS in the land of the living.  

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"

Psalm 27:13

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is teaching, leading, and guiding me to edify HIS GOOD NEWS for every soul whom I encounter, that HE places on my heart to share HIS GOOD NEWS.  HIS TRUTH that when JESUS came on the scene, when HE stepped into my life, entered my heart, HE changed EVERYTHING.  Subtle changes that I didn't even realize until recently.  Change that revealed to me what my JESUS story was, and how to edify, share, write, and speak in a way that gives HIM ALL THE GLORY.  To share in a way that brings HIS HOPE, and promise of HEALING to the last, the least, and forgotten.  To share HIS GOOD NEWS of Eternal Salvation, that whomsoever chooses to believe in HIM, will not perish, but be given eternal life, through the shedding of blood through JESUS CHRIST our LORD and SAVIOR.  That HIS GOOD NEWS promises not only restoration, but redemption.  HIS GOOD NEWS that not only saved my life once, but over and over again, as at every turn the enemy has tried to take me out.

Through every test, trial, and storm HE remained.  No matter the pain, heartache, or anguish, HE remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, for me.  Pouring out HIS PEACE for me to breathe in, pulling me even closer still as I draw nearer to HIM.  Allowing HIM to hold me, heal me, help me, and strengthen me.  I've learned, and with every step I take with JESUS my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is deepened.  I am being made resilient through ALL that I have endured.  TRULY HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE and INFALLIABLE for my life.

HE knew how hard I would fight to survive, and HE knew HIS plans that would be revealed to me when I was ready.  When I was ready to be in the land of the living.  HE knew what it would take, and how many tears that would be shed in the struggle, and in the waiting.  HE knew, how frustrated I would become, how many times I would beg, plead, pray and cry to the end of my soul.   HE knew, and HE didn't turn away from me.  HE didn't just die on the cross for me.  HE didn't just shed HIS blood for me; HE did that and so much more.  Every single day that I am awakened to HIS GIFT of a new day, I'm being given a choice to be a part of what HE is doing, here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

HIS GOOD NEWS is TRULY the BEST NEWS!!!  HE is for you and NEVER against you.  Should you choose to surrender to HIS will for your life, to repent of your sins, and seek HIM to teach, lead, and guide you through your breakthrough, your healing, so that you too will be in the land of the living.  May you know that sometimes the ending of the life you once knew is really the beginning of your healing that is needed to embrace the life that is waiting for you in the land of the living.  HE knows how much it hurts you to not be living the life you once knew.  To have to embrace irrevocable change.  HE knows how brokenhearted you are, and how much you fight to get out of bed, even just to merely survive life.  HE knows how much you hate, loathe, the plan.  How much you miss the person whom you are grieving deeply.  Even if it's not a death, but the end of a marriage, a relationship, a job, or even your career. HE knows how hard it's been to accept that the revealing of the people who weren't actually for you, whom you trusted to be in your corner.   HE knows how hard it's been to forgive them, to move forward in your life not bringing that bitterness, anger, or angst with you.  HE knows why you have forgiven, but forgetting has kept you bound to the act of betrayal.  HE knows the walls you've put up for self-protection, how you feel let down, and forgotten.  HE knows how much the lie of abandonment has replayed through every single season of your life.  HE knows you've reached your limit of being abused, used, manipulated and controlled.  HE knows how much you battle between anger and righteous anger, and HE wants to help you, to FREE you so that you will be able to enjoy your life here in the land of the living.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time, saying, "JESUS please help me, I don't SEE a way, but I TRUST YOU know the way.  Please HELP me to SEE YOUR GOODNESS here in the land of the living.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Holy in the storm

 One of my favorite artists from a very young age has always been Michael W. Smith.  I still remember hearing "I will be here for you" for the very first time.  I remember loving the line "I'll shine a light for you" singing it over and over.   For days I would sit and wait with my tape in the recorder of my stereo to record my new favorite song.  When I was finally able to record it, I played it on repeat.  To this day not much has changed for me, I still play songs on repeat and sing them over and over.

Yesterday was another day where HE met me and took me back to the first time, I heard another one of my favorite artists songs, this time was "Draw me Close."  The line, "You're all I want, you're all I ever needed, you're all I want, I know you are near" took me back to the night in the spotlight of the auditorium at ISU in Bloomington IL.  I was attending my very first Hearts at Home conference.  I had gone to the conference alone, not knowing anyone but an online community of support that I was connected to by the conference itself when I registered.  I still remember the day D came home telling me about the conference and how he thought I would really enjoy having sometime away to be built up. 

The memories of that time in my life, played out in my mind, and in that moment while standing next to D during worship yesterday, I felt HIM speak to me, "Dear Heart, do you remember the spotlight?  That was ME, I was with you then, I'M with you now.  I'VE always been with you...... ALL the days of your life.  I know this storm, the valley that you're trying so hard to be brave to enter, I know, and I have a plan, but it's going to require you to remain, Holy in the Storm."

Holiness has been something HE has so lovingly taken the time to teach, lead, and guide me through the gift of HIS DAILY BREAD.  It has been through our time together, meeting in the HOLY QUIET PLACE where HE has met me in the struggle to release my feelings and TRUST HIM that HIS TRUTH is much better for my life.  That HIS word is truly better than life.  I am learning that HE is taking so much time to prepare me, because in the past, I've always let myself be feelings led, and in turn I've struggled immensely with self-destruction tendencies, to try and soothe myself, console myself, and in turn doing my absolute best to try and combat any more suffering.  

Suffering is something I have had to learn to surrender to.  To learn HIS TRUTH that in this life I will have troubles. John 16:33 Well, I don't know about you, but TROUBLE always seems to find me.  Find my family and wreck us even further.  Currently trouble that began over 2 decades ago is beginning to fester once again, only this time we're getting to HIS TRUTH of it, but digging out the root of lies that we're embedded deeply rooted in our lives.  Lies that caused chaos, division, confusion, and allowed people pleasing, despair, and defeat to take over.

Well because of HIS gift of community for me to experience, through the ministry where I serve with my church family of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I am learning how to call out, renounce the lies of oppression, and replace the lies with HIS INFALLIABLE TRUTH.  Yet, even in knowing how to fight to get free, to BE free, to stay free, I'm learning there's even more to it.  That is to remain Holy in the Storm.  This means NOT to be like the world is.  To NOT respond or react in unrighteous ways.  To NOT, gossip, slander, or tear down with my words, rather I am learning over and over again, because HE is giving me chance after chance after chance to do the next right thing in choosing a HOLY RESPONSE.  That I am called to choose, to chase HOLINESS to bear HIS fruit of the SPIRIT, good fruit, that speaks life, and if my words are not that, if my feelings are less than, it's not that I'm bad for thinking things, I just need to release them to HIM.  I need NOT to make known my displeasure, my distrust, my anger, even if it's righteous.  Honestly, I'm learning that I am NOT called to speak all that much, rather I am soaking in HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to pray, to TRUST HIM with all that hurts, and burdens me.  To truly cast all my cares on HIM and wait for HIM, as HIS HOLY PROMISE for me is that HE will fight for me, I need only to BE still. 1 Peter 5:7, Exodus 14:14

In knowing this and continuously being given the chance to do the next right thing, I find myself being able to deny my flesh sooner than before.  Not that it's easier, I just have learned that HIS ways are so much better than mine. So... I know if HE is taking the time to teach, lead, and guide me how to remain Holy in the Storm, I know it's for my benefit, and I TRUST and know it is indeed HIS best for my life. Even when I don't understand, like it, or agree with it.  As it never fails that eventually my spiritual eyes will be opened, and I will then SEE.  Which each time I experience healing and freedom as I am being given eyes to SEE, I am grateful and I'm in complete awe of HIS goodness.  Whenever HE leads me to HIS word, and I SEE my life in-between the scriptures, I am blown away, I am filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE truly is in the details.  That HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  Psalm 34:18

A Holy Reset that prepared me for a Holy Response, which led to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS of what being Holy in the Storm looks like.  Truly HE has remained steadfastly faithful to teach, lead, and guide me through HIS word to become HIS disciple.  So that I would be HIS ambassador, HIS living vessel, to look, love, and live like JESUS to become CHRISTLIKE.  To let go of the world's view of just being a "good person," rather to pursue HOLINESS, and to know and understand, over and over again in every single moment of my life what that entails, and what it takes.  For HIM to meet with me, to strengthen me, comfort me, and renew my mind has led me to the most intense yet gentle heart transformation.  For this very reason I will write: ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows the storm you're going through, the valley you're in, or the mountaintop you're on.  HE knows what has transpired, what you've endured, and knows exactly how you're feeling about your current situation.  HE knows when you're mad at HIM, and when you're struggling to TRUST HIM.  HE knows why and when the struggle began.  HE isn't mad, or disappointed in you, HE loves you and wants to help you.  HE wants you to know, to experience, to live HIS goodness, HIS HOLY PROMISES that are just for you.  HE wants to lead you to HIS word, to teach, lead, and guide you. HE is waiting, for you to open your heart to HIM.  HE knows every hurt, every scar, and has caught and kept every single of your tears.  HE has kept them as they are sacred to HIM.  HE has good plans for your life, plans to prosper and NOT to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and FUTURE.  There is absolutely NOTHING that can STOP HIM, HE is the LIGHT of the world, HE is the WAYMAKER, PROMISEKEEPER.  HE is your ABBA, your CHAMPION, your DEFENDER, your HEALER, HE is the ALMIGHTY GOD, and your name is etched in HIS hands.  HE knows you, HE SEES you, and HE loves you deeply.  May today be the day you open your bible, or bible app and read Psalm 139 as personal to you.  HE is waiting.... will you TRUST HIM?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

It just takes time

 I remember attending a women's prayer retreat through my church just mere months after having lost Seth.  I remember the theme of the retreat was "Because HE bends down to listen." Psalm 116:1-2 During the retreat I was introduced to a lot of women who didn't know me, and I was made known for the devastating loss of my almost 2-year-old son.  With each introduction the look of shock and horror overcoming the woman who was thinking she was meeting a seemingly young girl.  Unbeknownst to her, I was a 36-year-old married, then Mama to five precious children.  I was so completely devastated and shattered by my family's deep loss, and was so irrevocably changed, and was just barely hanging on.

On day two of the retreat, I had reached my limit of meeting people and couldn't contain the tears any longer.  I remember laying my head on the table where I was seated.  Laying my head on my bible as the tears poured from my eyes.  I had been brave enough to open up about how D and I were grieving so differently and how I felt like we were a million miles apart.  To which the response was I wasn't being honoring to my marriage, as I was speaking ill of my husband.  I came completely undone and cried right there to the end of my soul.  

I remember thinking, wondering, questioning how things would ever be good again.  A few short months later the next scheme and attack would strike my already so shattered heart, that would drive me to isolate and shut out the world.  The pain was unbearable, and the expectation to just "give it to GOD, pray about it, and just hold onto HOPE was dwindling. I found myself just wondering how in the world I could possibly survive such immense heartbreak, how would I ever smile again, without the pain just beneath the surface quaking, and pouring out of me.

Over time I learned, how to hide my pain through the strong smile that I faked.  People didn't know, and I didn't them want to, but then again, I did.... but then that meant they'd have to lose too, and well pick someone else, but please don't.  For years I wrestled with how much nobody understood, all the while waiting, crying, praying, falling apart everywhere I went, until finally I learned how to breathe through the pain.

This morning was a reminder of the still tenderness that is just beneath the surface.  While driving to a freedom session for a client in the ministry I serve in, the rain was flooding the roads, and I was praying for safety for each of our team members as well as our client.  I was praying for strength to just BE HIS living vessel today.  On the horizon I could see the part of the road where the cemetery is where Seth's earthly body is buried.  Just as I was passing the very place where a part of me died on that day, I had to walk away leaving my little boy's earthly body.... I took a deep breath and in the next moment a firetruck drove past me.  My eyes instantly welled up with tears, as I the memories of that day where our view of the Firetruck leading the funeral procession of our sweet Seth Daniel, our almost 2-year-old son, our Teffie, the Kid, the Creep, the Kid a Kid, so many names, such a BIG life for such a little man, Dayee's little dude, our one-of-a-kind observer.  He was and is one of the brightest lights in our lives, just knowing him changed each of us, and left each of us grieving such a deep loss... remembering that day of having to say goodbye to my sweet baby love, clinging to the memory of him in my arms just hours before he went to be with JESUS.... tears began to pour from my eyes.  A few deep breaths later, and prayers for peace to flood me, my tears lessened.  

Soon the building where the session was to be came within view.  I parked my car and I got out to run in the rain.  Making it into the building, I thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me, for me.  Taking the elevator up to a higher floor I felt HIS loving reminder, of "nobody knows Dear Heart, like I DO.  I know the oceans you have cried.  I knew how long it would take for your broken heart to be mended.  I knew when memories would make you smile and not just burst into tears.  I knew when your healing would be felt, and even more SEEN, by you, and all those whom you encounter. I knew how hard it would be for you to let go, to understand that MY ways are higher than yours.  I knew how angry you were with ME, and I knew the moment when you would SEE that I REVIVED you.  I knew precious DEAR HEART, and I knew that you would write this very post about healing through grieving deep loss....and well DEAR HEART I knew in all those times you were crying out to me to just take away the pain.... I knew.... it just takes time."

As I type, I'm listening to a song on repeat called "Nobody knows" and how the lyrics "nobody knows how many times I almost gave up hope, nobody knows how much strength it takes to carry on, nobody knows how many versions of myself I had to lose to make it here, everybody says I'm strong, maybe they're right, maybe they're not, but everybody sees me standing here, everybody thinks I've got this, everybody sees me smile, nobody knows."  I could have written this song.  Today I went back into the some of the hardest moments of grief that irrevocably changed me.  How I was certain that change would be the end of me.  How HE remained so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, and how I can now look back, and SEE how sometimes it just takes time for healing, for being able to smile through tears, to learn to breathe again, walk again, and to want to live again.  

Precious Dear Ones, 

The TRUE CONFIDENCE I have is that I can tell you HE is indeed in the details.  HE knows how hard you've fought to just get out of bed, to just keep going.  HE knows how leveled your faith has been.  HE knows how much doubt creeps in and how you fight with HIS TRUTH to combat the lies of doubt.  HE knows the shame and guilt that builds up and makes you feel so unseen, unheard, unknown, and unloved HE knows and HE loves you.  HE knows how tired you are to be losing the battles that have been so unfair to you.  HE knows how hard you try to do the next right thing.  HE knows how much you are hiding to just look okay.  HE knows how close you have come to letting go, to disappearing with the pain of your broken heart.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for all of it.  HIS plans, oh Dear Ones, are so very deeply personal just.for.you.  HE knows, HE is waiting for you to let HIM, to cling to HIS promises, to feel HIS loving presence encompass you.  HE hears every single one of your cries for help, and HE'S waiting for you to let HIM in.  HE is there, HE knows, and HE promises to help you, to heal you, to give you a Heavenly vision of HIS goodness full of HOPE and a FUTURE.  HE is there, in the waiting.  May you SEE HIS mighty sovereign hand at work in your life, may you rest in HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that healing, new beginnings are coming.  That HE is making a way, through the wasteland, with rivers of HIS living water flowing to you, for you to flow through you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather