Eventually

There is so much that I don't understand, and I can't SEE the way through.  I can't figure out how it will be okay... eventually.  Because that's just it, isn't it?  Eventually all will be okay, as HE promises to work everything out for HIS good.  This is HIS HOLY PROMISE... but the waiting... in the waiting is where despair attacks... it's where worry, and doubt creep in.  It's where prayer is essential, and imperative in order to not succumb to the devastation.  

Before losing Seth, and waking up in a life after deep loss, I was oblivious of just how much someone who follows JESUS could actually suffer.  Honestly, I "thought" since I was a CHRIST FOLLOWER, I was someway, somehow covered to not have to suffer as I did before I became a CHRIST FOLLOWER.  As if following JESUS made me exempt to this type of suffering.  The deep loss, earth shattering, life altering type of suffering.  It's because I always knew life would be hard for me, that I would always struggle, and that I would face challenges.  What I didn't know, and didn't realize until 4pm on October 13, 2014, was that life has a way of handing your butt to you, leveling you, and taking your breath away.  That life could be so very brutal and cruel.

Suffering is a very sensitive topic for me, mostly because suffering, being forced to live a life without my son, has been the hardest thing I've ever been forced to do.  Even worse than all the abuse, manipulation, and control that I endured as a young girl. I've learned that I need to be very careful as to not write words that will be flagged, as somehow sharing the truth of what happened to me is far too triggering for some. 

For so long I struggled what I was supposed to do with my story of my life.  That is until HE began to teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand that my story is for few people, but my JESUS story is for everyone.  For years I battled through even greater suffering the most unimaginable loss and through expectations people placed on me, that I took on as my responsibility crushed me and pushed me even further to isolate, shutting out everyone, and making the agreement to not only think, but to speak the very lie of "I hate everyone and everything."  This is because I was in the worst pain I had ever known.  I was praying, begging, and pleading for JESUS to please come back.  I knew HE wouldn't wake me up from the living nightmare, so the only thing I could think to ask for was for us ALL to be called HOME, as the very thought of leaving my children here on earth crushed me.

Still, I was desperate for healing, for relief, for a reprieve.  I struggled to be grateful for other families whose lives were still intact, people whom we were doing life with before child loss took over our life.  Before irrevocable change stole our joy and shattered our whole world.  Before tears became our food, and smiling was still so easy.  Before laughter didn't feel like betrayal.  Before going to church, being around the very people who were in the crisis with us hurt beyond what I could bear.   I was overwhelmed by sorrow; my grief was all consuming.  I was screaming on the inside and falling apart everywhere I went.

I still remember the years where I sat in the silence, numb to the once gaping now bound up hole in my heart, of which angered me that it was being bound up, as it felt like betrayal, as how absurd that I would possibly heal and move forward without my son.   My mind was numb from the amount of processing I went through in remembering that day, having to wake each day reminding myself that Seth really was here, until he wasn't.  That he really did die, and he really was in heaven with JESUS.  Everyday falling apart in the acceptance, and falling to sleep with tears streaming, until exhaustion took over.   I still remembering wondering when.... when would I be okay again.... when would I be able to breathe again?

Eventually after many oceans of my tears were collected, as HE knew, just how many oceans I would cry.  HE knew just how much time I needed to grieve, to process what losing Seth did to me.  What losing him did to my mind, and how long I would need to begin to have compassion for myself, instead of anger that I wasn't further in the healing process.  HE knew how long I would question and wonder how in the world was I supposed to share my story, as it seemed too much, yet oddly not enough.  As if I weren't far enough into healing, my tears poured out of my eyes, and HE would meet me with HIS amazing grace, to hold me, help me, and what I didn't realize then was just how much HE was healing me.

HE was my defender, my protector, my shield, my refuge, my strong tower, ALL of it, through ALL of it HIS grace was sufficient enough for me.  Eventually my spiritual eyes were opened, and I began to SEE just how far HE brought me from that moment of 4pm on that dreary... worst day of my life in a seemingly ordinary fall day in October.   HE was my living HOPE, the anchor that I clung to.  HE was, and is my safe space, the ONE whose arms I lean back into HE was, is the ONE WHO wanted my heart, WHO held it in its fragility.  Held me together as I fell apart over and over.  HE'S the ONE who gave me the strength to learn how to walk again.  HE was and is always my peace.  HE was, is the ONE WHO steadfastly, faithfully remained with me, even when I was too tired and wanted to give up. HE held onto me, even when I was losing my grip to keep holding on.  HE knew I needed HIM to carry me through the sorrow, and HE NEVER left my side.

HE knew eventually I would be able to look back on my journey in this life after deep loss through child loss and SEE HIS steady hand holding me every single step of the way.  HE knew eventually I would seek HIM once again to write the story that HE is the AUTHOR of.  HE knew I would be eager once again, that I would thirst for HIM, for HIS word.  HE knew, and HE remained.  My HOPE, My PEACE, My SAVIOR, My JESUS. 

Precious Dear Ones, 

HE knows how tired you are.  HE hears every single one of your cries for help, HE knows what enduring this storm in your life is doing to you.  HE knows how weak and tired you feel.  HE knows what you need and is waiting for you to tell HIM you need HIM.  That you will TRUST HIM to help you, to show you the way.  HE knows how badly your heart is aching in the deep loss that you are living with.  HE knows the strength you are needing.  HE knows how your faith is dwindling.  HE is there, and HE has amazing plans to restore your joy.  To restore the years that the locusts have eaten.  HE knows you don't SEE yet, but you will, keep holding onto HIM and HE promises that HE will keep holding onto you.   HE has you, HE is making a way and doing a new thing in your life.  You are so deeply loved by your ABBA, the ALMIGHTY GOD, you are HIS CHOSEN, HE has called you, set you apart for HIS purpose.  HE knows how much you're trying to figure everything out, for everything to make sense.  HE is with you; HE will help you.  Will you let HIM in?  Will you let HIM heal your broken heart?  Will you let HIM prove HIS FAITHFULNESS, and TRUSTWORTHINESS to you, for you?  Will you be willing to wait for your moment of eventually?  Jermiah 29:11

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

As always, with deep compassion, empathy, kindness, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Worship

In the silence, in the fear, in joy and elation, in the darkest hours of my life I have cried out to HIM in worship.  As tears poured from my eyes and pooled as oceans at my feet, when I couldn't SEE a way through, I kept playing worship music on repeat.  Sometimes, I would play the same song 100 times in a row, over and over until I could lift my head up, until I cried all the tears I had stored up for that moment.  Until the peace that surpassed all my understanding flooded my every hurt, every ache, and soothed every pain that overwhelmed me, I continued to worship until I was fully at peace to where I was able to breathe.

I learned how to do this when Seth died, and the pain and agony of losing him caused me to cry to the end of my soul, where it felt as if though I were being ripped in half.   I remember the first moments of agony where I was certain I was going to die from the unimaginable pain.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything but cry out in agony.  Until I was all cried out for the moment, and a much-needed reprieve flooded me, to hold me, help me in the moment as we drove home.  

In the quiet of the drive home, my soul cried out, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT I began to worship.  CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE... my heart was obliterated, and HIS HOLY SPIRIT interceded on my behalf.  During that first night HE taught me how to cry out to HIM.  Asking for HIM to flood us with HIS PEACE, and to please drench us each in HIS GRACE.  Worship became a part of my grief.  Words that I couldn't speak, pain I didn't know what to do with.  HE led me to songs to listen to, to lift my hands to the heavens, to lay my head on my bible, to cry to the end of my soul, in waiting for HIM to quiet my soul.  

I knew I was being held, I knew HE would heal me, it wasn't ever a matter of if HE would heal me, it was when.  For years HE led me to new songs that spoke to my broken heart.  Year after year, even in the time where I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible, couldn't even hold my head up, HE led me, to worship.  HE reminded me of HIS HOLY PROMISES for me, the very promises HE taught me to cling to.  HE knew when I was losing my grip, holding on by my fingertips, fading away in the deafening silence of Seth's profound absence.  The PTSD triggers that wrecked me over and over.  The stop light tears, always triggered through worship, the same songs that allowed me to cry, brought me to a new purpose in my pain and that was to pray for other broken-hearted Mamas who they too were sitting at stop lights crying to the end of their souls.  

It would be years later that I would begin to encounter some of the very souls whom I had been praying for.  It was through worship through stop light tears, where I learned HIS TRUTH, that pain is universal.  That deep loss would affect every single person my eyes would see.  That it's not matter of if, but a matter of when.  Deep loss has brought me to an even deeper understanding and compassion for those who mourn.  Worship taught me how to SEE people, and how to pray for them, how told hold their pain, without letting it trigger mine.  Worship would lead me to a place where my TRUST for HIM challenged me even further, to let go of the grip I had, the ownership I felt I had to grieve, to TRUST HIM enough to let go, and let HIM heal me. 

Four years ago, a song of worship about a breakthrough was on repeat in my daily life.  Over and over, I would play that song, I would pray the lyrics, sometimes I'd lift my hands and sing, other times I would lay on my bed, and cry to the end of my soul.  This was because as much as I wanted and needed healing, I was terrified to let go of the lie that it was my responsibility to grieve my son to my own death.  It was in that time of my life where I truly learned to step out into the waves to carry me through to someplace new.  To a life beyond PTSD, beyond sorrow, beyond deep loss, and that very thought terrified me as the guilt and shame that I carried overwhelmed me, as if healing would mean forgetting and moving on, and how could I possibly do that when I missed my son so desperately.

Worship restored my JOY for living, renewed my mind, and transformed my heart.  Three years into my healing breakthrough, HE taught me how to worship in the unknown, to dare to dream, to believe, to pray audacious prayers, and believe HE could do abundantly more than I could ever ask or dream of.  So much that being thirteen months out from that moment, I can say that through worship HE revived me.  Gave me a new life, a HOLY RESET, and took me through the most intense, yet lovingly gentle restorative work.  HE taught me the importance of consuming HIS DAILY BREAD through worship.  HE taught me that HE knows how much I NEED HIM to quiet my mind, therefore HE places songs on my heart, that remind me to lift my hands to the heavens, to lean back into HIS arms, and to know that HE is working ALL things out for HIS good.  

Currently I am praying through a storm where I can't SEE a way through, so I'm choosing to worship through it.  I'm choosing to TRUST HIM, to pray ceaselessly to HIM.  Knowing full well that HE is greater than the vast number of enemies in this storm in my life.  HE is once again reminding me through worship that HE is my peace, my strength, and that HE will fill me with HIS truth through discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to teach, lead, and guide me how to pray.  Worship was first introduced in my life in 2002 and saved me in 2003.  Through every single battle, every single storm of my life, HE has filled me with HIS promises, singing over me, reminding me that HE is indeed my CHAMPION, my ABBA, my PEACE, my REFUGE, my SHIELD, my PROTECTOR, my DEFENDER, as I know full well that I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, and HIS name is JESUS.  Hebrews 6:19.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows how broken-hearted you are.  HE knows how alone you feel.  HE knows you believe that HE has forgotten you.  HE knows what you've been carrying, and how you've been holding everything together.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE weeps for you, and over you in your sorrow, in your pain, in the agony, in the deep loss, in the anger, in the lies that have destroyed your heart.  That have violated your trust.  HE knows how you've lost the strength to fight, how you've tried for years to keep holding on, and you've reached your breaking point.  HE knows how you feel like HE doesn't hear your cries, HE is with you, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is that HE has caught and kept every single one of your tears because they are so very sacred to HIM.  Every single time you lift your hands, or lean back in HIS arms, whenever you're in your car and a song plays, and it speaks to your heart, and causes you to cry out, or silently swallow your tears, even in the words you don't say, HIS HOLY SPIRIT is there to intercede on your behalf.  When you worship with tears streaming down your face, HE is with you and ALL of Heaven is listening.  Dear Ones, HE is there, HE loves you, HE is waiting for you to invite HIM in to help you, to carry you through what you are going through.  HE will meet you right where you are, and teach, lead, and guide you through worship, HIS HOLY PROMISE is that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Idols

I never really considered myself to have idols in my life, well that is until this past year and HE began the heart work of FREEING me from the sin of gluttony which for me was a large consumption addiction.  This included food, and all stuff, so much that I was so stuffed from food, beverages, binging on tv, music, and everything but all things HOLY.  This revelation broke my brain, as I always marked myself safe from being starstruck by celebrity's or any other famous or well-known person.  I thought I was safe because I wasn't obsessed, well in my personal opinion anyways.

Then HE began to open my eyes to SEE the sin of gluttony, and well once I began to SEE... ALL of the idols were made known in my life.  Currently I am going through the heart work of tearing down the idol of unwholesome talk. Ephesians 4:29 This has been very challenging for me, as whenever I become irritated, upset, or I find myself in social situations where there is cursing and unwholesome talk, it's like I lose my brain.  When driving in traffic, or even worse when I'm a passenger and I begin to use unwholesome talk with the person who is driving. Whenever gossip is happening, I don't recognize it the way I should, and I always find myself participating until HE convicts me, and I have to apologize4 to HIM, and repent, and begin again.

Unwholesome talk has been an idol in my life since I was very young.  That while I may not have cursed in the beginning, I'm learning unwholesome talk is any and all talk that's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, Romans 12:1 In the most recent conviction, the HIS HOLY SPIRIT challenged me in saying, "Heather if you don't pray with curse words, or unwholesome talk, then why do you speak in curse words and unwholesome talk?"  YIKES!!! 

My hearts cry today is LORD JESUS, if it doesn't exalt you, then I don't want to want it.  This after a night out with my oldest at a Hilary Duff concert.  The concert itself was so good, and we had a great time.  It was all the idol worship that my spiritual eyes were opened to before, during, and after the concert.  Even more than that, HE let me know that if I am ever given a space, a place in time to witness to a crowd of people, HE wants me to do it ALL for HIS GLORY, NOT my accolades.  Wow!!  It truly brings new meaning to "gain the whole world but lose your soul.", Matthew 16:26 

Never have I truly understood what JESUS meant when HE said that, until HE opened my eyes to SEE what the world SEES as a "good person," as someone who is inspiring, who is living a great life.  That what good is it to have so many follower's, fans etc., if all of it's for self-exaltation, promotes pride, and is all about me.me.me.  What good is it to be a role model if it's not for HOLINESS, as whether people want to admit it or not, ONE DAY, EVERY knee shall bow, and EVERY tongue shall confess that JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, Isaish 45:23, Romans 14:11, Philippians 2:10-11.  At the end of this life we will ALL be held accountable and have to answer for what did we do with the life HE gave you? Romans 14:12, Matthew 12:36, Ecclesiastes 12:14, Hebrews 4:13, 1 Peter 4:5, 2 Corinthians 5:10, Matthew 16:27, Revelation 20:12, Romans 14:10, Luke 12:2

For me, I know HE isn't going to be interested in how often I went to church, or lukewarmly shared HIS goodness, no I'm going to be judged on whether or not I chose to speak with boldness just as Paul said in Ephesians 6.  I am going to be judged on whether or not I lived with HOPE, TRUSTING JESUS even if...even when.... even though.   I'm going to be judged by what I did with the time I was given.  For me, I know this is the VERY reason why HE has revealed the idols in my life.  To set me FREE, to tear down the idols in my life.  To lead me through a revival, which I've experienced in my life more than once.  At the end of the day, I can't proclaim to BE HIS DISCIPLE, Luke 9:23, Mark 8:34 consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, if HIS word isn't getting in me, renewing my mind and completely transforming my heart. Romans 12:2   If I'm not a reflection of HIS GOODNESS, and I'm not living, loving, or looking anything remotely like JESUS.  

This past year has been a HUGE TRANSFORMATIVE year in my walk with JESUS.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has taken on a whole new purpose in my life.  It's solidified my TRUST in HIM that HE truly is IN THE DETAILS of my life.  That HE truly does know the plans HE has for my life, Jeremiah 29:11.  In HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE HE is bringing me back to remember ALL of what HE has brought me through.  Not in condemnation, but in conviction, in TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE knows why I say what I do, and how easily I say it.  HE is reminding me that I was able to just cut out cursing and unwholesome talk on my own, then wouldn't need HIM, Romans 8:1  HE is wanting me to surrender the guilt and the shame that I have for this very idol in my life HE wants me to let HIM in, let HIS goodness in, let HIS light shine on why, and what I need to do, HE is loving me 100% already, and won't love me anymore or any less if I never let go of this idol in my life., But for me I'm truly learning, and beginning to understand what it means to "live is to CHRIST, to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Dying unto myself, to my flesh, and its desires has been the best possible thing that could have ever happened to me since the day I was saved by HIS amazing grace.  To truly LOVE the LORD with ALL my heart, soul, mind and strength, Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27, Deuteronomy 6:5, means to surrender., fully, with full humility, letting go of my fleshly, selfish ways.  Truly I want and NEED JESUS more than anything else in my life.  More than air, more than food, more than people, more than anything I could possibly think of, or dream of.  TRULY I want to live, love, and look like JESUS, for every soul I encounter to SEE JESUS in me.  I don't want to look, love, or live as the world does.   I want to LIVE FREE and FULLY ALIVE, willing to tear down the idols so that I am able to edify HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, HIS DAILY BREAD, in how HE so lovingly met with me to teach, lead, and guide me how to do just that,

Precious Dear Ones, 

HE knows, HE knows the idols in your life, even if you don't.  HE isn't mad at you, HE cares for you, HE loves you and wants to FREE you from the idols in your life, HE wants you to SEE HIM as your LIVING HOPE, the source of your comfort, joy, peace, relief, food, HE wants to CONSUME your thoughts about what you consume and why.  HE wants to be your EVERYTHING.  HE is waiting for you to open the door to your heart.  HE loves you 100% and won't love you anymore or any less if you decide not to let HIM in.  Dear Ones, HE has amazing plans for your life.  HE is making a way and doing a new thing!  Will you TRUST HIM?  Will you let JESUS in to teach, lead, and guide you to tear down the idols in your life?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

A Holy Response

Deep from within the Heavens, HE calls unto the deepest part of me.  HE reaches for me and pulls me even closer still.  HE breathes HIS PEACE into, and over me.  To quiet my mind, the thoughts that have been wrecking me.  Thoughts that have carried me back to when, when I find myself looking in the rearview mirror more than I am looking forward.  My life, embers and ashes all around me, the enemy wants me to focus. To be so intent on only seeing the wreckage, the lies, the destruction.  The guilt, the shame, the why didn't I, why did this happen, why did that happen, how the hell did we get here?  So much my mind takes me all the way back, back to the storms, the trauma, the agony, in both my childhood and adulthood.  I'm reminded of all that has happened.  I look all around; tears pour from my soul and pool as oceans at my feet.  I'm drowning in memories, but only for a moment, as I feel HIS peaceful presence encompass me.  It is there HE leads me beside HIS still waters, to rest, safely in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. Psalm 23:1-2, Psalm 17:8

I can breathe again, my tears lessen, but still fall, as the pain of all that has happened is being released.  My mind goes back to last summer when HE began to prepare me to pursue A HOLY RESPONSE.  Unbeknownst to me how much that very teaching would prepare me for this very season of life that I am living.  How consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD has prepared me for the HOLY RESET HE has brought me through.  Healing me from CPTSD, HYPERVIGILENCE, TRAUMA, CLINICAL DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, taking away the need for medication just to survive my life.  A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY TEACHINGS how to live, love, and look like JESUS.  How even when someone sins against me, I don't have to react.  How I don't have to RSVP to every argument I'm invited to.  How I don't have to respond to mistreatment or injustice with anger, therefore I won't be reacting (sinning) in my anger.   As that is how the enemy has trapped me over and over relationally for as long as I can remember.  How in every relationship since I was a toddler (which is a mind blowing revelation I've recently had since I was only 2.5 years old when I was first traumatized), I learned how to keep myself small, unseen, unheard, unknown, out of sight, faded into the background, taking responsibility to maintain control of every situation, that if I just did exactly everything without needing anything, then maybe, just maybe they would forget about me, leave me alone, and I would survive another day without being hurt.

This very trauma response would bode well for me as I grew older.  I knew how to test whether someone was safe or not, and honestly, I learned to gauge very quickly that no one was safe.  This worked well in my favor until.... I became a Christian, and it was then I learned some of my life's hardest lessons in forgiveness, trust, and healing.  As some of the meanest most cruel people whom I would encounter would hurt me with scripture, with lies of oppression through legalism and religion.  The expectation for me to just be HOLY and know exactly what the LORD wanted for my life.  Not knowing just how messed up I was.  Not knowing just how trapped I had been for so long.  Not understanding what HE wanted for me, thinking HE only wanted something from me.  Believing I had to earn my salvation, as even though I knew I couldn't earn it, my mind had been trained by a spirit of manipulation and control through the people who were supposed to love and care for me.  An unknowingly I too operated in that same capacity, hurting my children, my husband, and those whom I would encounter.

It wasn't until 4 years ago when I was awakened to healing in the deepest pain of abandonment, isolation, and betrayal that I began to step into a new way of living, as I was learning WHO I AM IN CHRIST JESUS.  HE had begun to prepare me for this very part of my life that I am living now, 13 years ago on May 25, 2013, when HE took me through my very first breakthrough in my life in walking closely with JESUS, and HE laid it heavy on my heart to share my thoughts with others, not realizing then that HE was preparing me, through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to edify HIS word for my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE took HIS time to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIS HOLY PROMISES, and HIS CHARACTER, that I would cling to, and HE brought me through the deep loss of my son Seth.  

Looking back now, HE brought me through ALL of it and has brought me to this life that I am living now.  Through every set back, closed door, HE has brought me through, even when I couldn't SEE, HE remained steadfastly faithful with me, to me.  HE NEVER left my side, NOT even one time.  NOT even when I tried to push HIM away, HE loved me through it, carried me through it ALL.  HE set me back on my feet, and taught me how to live again, how to breathe again, and most importantly how to TRUST again.  HE showed me HE loves and cares for me so deeply and so personally.  HE has met me in ALL of my tears, ALL of my heartache, and has proven to me time and again that HE is indeed THE PROMISEKEEPER.  That HE will ALWAYS make a way.  

A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY BREAD that I've been consuming for the past year, even before I realized that is what HE was having me do.  Preparing me, steadying me to pursue holiness and what that means for me, and what it looks like.  Breaking FREE from the lie of self-comfort, and seeking HIM to comfort me, in taking captive the WHY I consume what I do.  In eating, drinking, watching, and listening to ( all for comfort).  Through it all HE has met me every step of the way, reminding me HE IS IN THE DETAILS of even what I am choosing to eat.  This I am reminded once again this morning as I stepped on the scale, and I've now officially lost 81lbs.  That is so much more than weight loss, but ALL the healing that HE has done inside me, and through me, that now SHINES out of me. A HOLY RESPONSE is becoming the answer to every single question that comes to my mind.  To every single answer that I am seeking.  That has continued to solidify HIS TRUTH, HIS TRUE PURPOSE, HIS WILL for my life, and that is to have me look, love, and live like JESUS, like HIM.  Teaching me how and why it's imperative that I learn and choose to speak HIS TRUTH in love to every single soul I encounter.  How speaking isn't always with words, rather through my prayers to HIM.  That HE knows what my exact thoughts are going to be, before they are even formed.  HE knows why I feel the way I do, and what brings tears to my eyes and why.  HE knows how much looking in the rearview mirror hurts me, and how much memories tend to drown me.  HE knows and wants me TRUST HIM, cry out to HIM, and let HIM carry me through, TRUST HIM to carry me through.  A HOLY RESPONSE of TRUSTING HIM with it all, choosing to respond in HOLINESS.  

I used to write about being on a journey towards wholeness, and that has now become about choosing a HOLY RESPONSE, and pursuing HOLINESS, with JESUS, because of JESUS.  That it's okay that I'm not okay in the grief and sorrow from the memories, that HE is with me in ALL of it, through ALL of it.  HE is making a way.  HE is truly creating in me a new heart and teaching me how to DAILY PUT ON HIS ARMOR, to BE more like HIM.  To BE more peaceful, peace filled, and at the end of each day I can celebrate HIS FAITHFULNESS and GOODNESS for me, and I can wake each new morning with a grateful heart, that HE is TRUSTING me with one more day to LIVE for HIM.  A HOLY RESPONSE has opened the door to a HOLY RESET, which brought me to a whole new way of living with JESUS.  Being blessed to mourn with JESUS, love with JESUS, and pursue HOLINESS with JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE loves you, HE knows you, HE created you and knows every hair on your head.  HE knows your name as it's etched into HIS MIGHTY MAGNIFICIENT CAPABLE HANDS.  HE knows why you're hurting, what you need before you even form a thought to ask.  HE knows that lies of oppression have you bound up.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows every tear you've cried, whether audibly or silently.  HE has always been with you, NEVER once leaving you nor forsaking you. HE knows you think and believe HE has abandoned you, HE is just waiting for you to invite HIM back in, or maybe in for the first time.  HE has amazing plans for healing, and restoration for your life.  No matter how far gone off the rails your life has gone, HE has a plan.  HE knows your fears, and what keeps you stuck.  HE knows how hard you've fought to survive, and how you are just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop in your life.  HE knows the arena of suffering that you find yourself time and again, with all eyes on you waging their bets of whether or not this will be the "thing" that wipes you out.  HE knows how bitter and angry you are that life has just been so damn hard.  HE knows how tired, and let's just face it, battle weary you are.  HE knows how much you carry, how hard you work only to be disrespected by those in your life, and treated so unfairly, unjustly.  HE knows how much you compromise to keep the peace in your life.  HE knows why and how you do the things you to in order to "protect" your peace.  HE knows that lies said about you, believed about you.  HE knows how deeply it cuts into your self-esteem.  HE knows why you run away, isolate, and shut down, and shut out the world just to try quiet the "noise" in your life. HE knows all of the toxic, narcissistic manipulative, controlling entities that are in your life scheming to take you down, to wipe you out.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to teach you how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20, to teach, lead, and guide you to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Dear Ones, ALL of it, HE knows, HE is there, and HIS plans for your life are deeply personal just.for.you.  May today be the day that you surrender to HIS loving, welcoming embrace.  May you seek REFUGE safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS.  May you rest in HIS arms and breathe in HIS peace.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

it's okay

 Last week I wrote about Forever Tears, and yesterday I began to cry tears I have never cried, because up until now I wasn't able to even express what the pain was that I was feeling.  So as always, it was through a song.  About heaven taking someone early, in a season of life that was good, and how they weren't ready to let them go.  It goes on to talk about sitting in the hospital room to say goodbye.  Never had I heard a song that was so relatable to how I felt about losing Seth.

The Truth is, Seth left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him.  Losing him the way that we did, with no chance of saving him, or even fighting for him.  When I found him, it was just over, and somehow someway I was just supposed to accept it, grieve, cry, and then move on.  Afterall life is for the living.  This very expectation kept me from being able to cry the tears that are now pouring out of me.  Tears that I wasn't ready to lose Seth, I most certainly wasn't prepared to say goodbye.  I wasn't ready to feel my broken heart beating while Seth's had stopped.  I wasn't ready for the agony, and the cruel reality that all eyes were on me to just heal up, be strong, and keep on keeping on.

As the tears soaked my pillow last night, I prayed, I poured my heart out to JESUS, "why now, why these tears?"  HIS answer, "It's okay Dear Heart, I know how much it hurt you to lose Seth, to give him back, to stand in heaven's doorway.  It's okay that you're still not okay.  I'M here cry deep into MY chest.  I know I'M here; I will help you.  Eye's up Dear Heart, I AM making a way." Exhaustion soon took over and I fell into a much-needed deep sleep.

When I awoke this morning, I wondered if the tears would fall today, and sure enough they did.  However, I didn't let it stop me from seeking HIM, reading HIS word, asking HIM for my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  Ask, and you shall receive, HIS DAILY BREAD, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today led me straight into the book of Acts 20:19 to be exact.  How the apostle Paul received discernment from HIS HOLY SPIRIT, how he served the LORD with all humility and tears. no matter what.  Even if......

HE revealed to me that much like HIS apostle Paul, I, too have endured and faced more trials more than most.  I have endured, and I haven't given up.  I've kept writing, kept sharing HIS good news of HIS amazing grace even in the midst of suffering.  I have suffered with JESUS; I have mourned with JESUS.  I have cried the most guttural tears of agony into HIS chest.  I have forgiven and let go of the hurt that has complied on top of my broken heart.  I have given HIM my heart, to be bound up and healed.  I have TRUSTED HIM in my healing and restoration.  I have kept a resilient FAITH, TRUSTING HIM with all my pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.  I've TRUSTED HIM to lead me through this journey of life after deep loss.

Because of my journey of Resilient Faith, I am able to go back with HIM, not to hurt me, but to release me.  Release me from the lie of still grieving, still crying, as if it's wrong for me to do just that.  HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for me is this:  It's okay that I've reached an even deeper level of grief.  It's okay because it's pain that I wasn't ready to name or speak about.  Pain that I couldn't even begin to comprehend, let alone articulate until I reached the level of healing that I have been brought through.

Healing is wild, as I never know what door it will unlock.  Today healing is allowing me to say all the words that shock, agony, and sorrow kept me from speaking.  Heaven did take Seth too early.  Death showed up, in the midst of one of the happiest, most free moments I had ever experienced.  Standing on the mountaintop of peace with Seth in my arms, I surrendered.  FULL SURRENDER, TRUE HUMILITY (or at least I thought I did.) And just like that, before the days end, my heart would be shattered, and life as we knew it would be irrevocably changed.  All of which destroyed me and has led me through the darkest years of my life.  Losing Seth the way we did, how it affected each of us.  Grieving with JESUS didn't always help, and that devastated me. I so desperately wanted and needed to be healed, and all I knew was for the past almost 12 years all Ive done is cry out to JESUS, the pain of missing Seth and the suffering in learning to live without him has felt like hell on earth.

My tears are releasing the hurt and anguish of people seemingly forgetting what my family and I went through.  For them it seemed as if nothing changed.  For us though, our family grew, but one of us was still missing.  Seth's death changed each of us.  I can only speak for myself.  My arms still ache for him; I can only remember him as the age he was on the day I last kissed his sweet little face and ran my fingers through his hair one.last.time.  I can only remember having to get up from the chair at the cemetery.  Walking away from his little casket being lowered into the ground.  The earthly body that I birthed, held, nursed, cared for.  Loved, kissed, sang to, jumped and danced with and wept over.  That precious little earthly body.  His blue eyes just like his Papa's whom he was named after.  My Seth Daniel, forever 1, left this world far too early, went home to Heaven to live with JESUS, took a piece of my heart with him, and that, that still hurts me.  I still struggle with that.  I still cry and miss him.  I still wonder who he would be.  Back to school is next month and is the start of the reminders of who he would have been.  All of it hurts, and it's okay.

Precious Dear Ones,

It's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to cry, to ask why, and to not understand.  HE loves you, and HE is with you.  HE will help you.  HIS plans for you are amazing.  Plans to help you, hold you, and heal you.  HE knows what you need even before you do.  HIS grace is ALL sufficient for you, and HIS tender mercies are made new just.for.you each morning.  HE has plans to restore your JOY and to give you HOPE and a future.  But don't just take my word for it.  Seek HIM with ALL your heart and ask HIM for your portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  SEEK HIS TRUTH for your life.  HE will help you, HIS plans for your life are to FREE you, and give you the life you have prayed for. And if today is just a day of tears, well it's okay because if I've learned anything, well HE has a plan for that too!!

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

Nothing Less....

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”

Everything and NOTHING LESS is HIS Daily Bread for me to consume today.  HIS loving reminder to seek HIM with ALL my heart, and to TRUST HIS word that when I seek HIM, I WILL find HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that it isn't just about me seeking HIM though, it's about WHY I am seeking HIM.  This is the heart check:  am I merely seeking to see what HE can do for me?  Or am I seeking HIM with a WILLNG MIND, and OPEN HEART to serve HIM no matter the cost?

This very question brings me back to the morning of October 13, 2014, when I stood in my office with Seth in my arms and promised HIM, I would do ANYTHING HE asked of me... no matter what.  Well, if you've been around for a while you know what happened not even 8 hours later.  Even if enter my life, and the question of WILL you, Heather, TRUST ME?  Do you believe that I AM, I WILL make a way?  Honestly for the past almost 12 years I seriously questioned whether or not I could actually TRUST HIM, or if I would be willing to go ALL IN once again, or would fear, and torment keep me from saying yes to HIM?  

This morning I was reminded of the many moments in the past almost 12 years where I struggled to worship, I struggled to hold my head up, as my HOPE was barely hanging on.  As the song played this morning, "THE GREAT I AM," HE took me back to when that song was on repeat in my headphones.  Remembering my prayers of, "Please JESUS help me, I hurt so bad, missing Seth hurts, living in this life after loss feels impossible.  No one understands, or SEES me, I'm too much, and yet oddly not enough."  My tears pooling as oceans at my feet, I cried to the end of my soul.  The pain of grief, loss, and fighting through the hell on earth was unbearable.  I didn't SEE a way then, still I clung to HIS PROMISES.

TRULY, I would have lost HOPE had I not SEEN HIS goodness in the land of the living here in this life after loss, Psalm 27:13.  So much I wanted so badly to have my faith and confidence restored to TRUSTING HIM fully and completely, that my dedication to seeking HIM would be NOTHING LESS than ALL OF ME, than ALL IN, no matter what.  Even if it meant... even if.

So much for the past 7.5 months HE has instilled in me a readiness to GO ALL IN, to give HIM     EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS, even if it costs me my life.  As Charlie Kirk said in one of his final interviews, "I'd want to be remembered for having courage for my Faith."  That would be my answer as well.  That I didn't give up when I was suffering, when I was being strengthened, when I was growing.  That not even walking through the valley of the shadow of death could take me out.  That not even having a front row seat of watching HIM call HIS son home, my Seth, my littlest boy, handing him back to HIS heavenly FATHER, TRUSTING HE would care for him, and then handing HIM my heart to heal it, to mend it, to transform it, to revive it. 

This I know for certain; the enemy banked on me dying from my broken mama heart.  He expected me to end my suffering on my own terms, BUT GOD, oh HE had much better plans.  HE knew how long it would take to mend and heal my broken heart.  HE knew the journey, and the steps I would take to seek HIM, to give HIM my WHOLE LIFE, and NOTHING LESS.  HE knew HIS TRUTH that I would FIND because I began to SEEK HIM with a willing mind, to be renewed by HIS TRUTH and by settling for NOTHING LESS. HE knew the FREEDOM I would find, and the healing I would receive that would FREE the littlest most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of me.  HE knew the transformative, and restorative work HE would do in my life.  HE knew how I would come to the end of myself in stuffing myself for comfort and led me straight to the FREEDOM I so desperately needed.  HE knew how scared I was to look to the future, let alone dream.  HE gave me just enough strength to do the next right thing.

For over a year now HE has remained steadfastly FAITHFUL to teach, lead, and guide me to understand about consumption.  Not only in food and drinks, but also in what my eyes SEE and my ears hear.  HE has given me chance after chance to begin again.  Each morning pouring out HIS mercy for me to experience, as I learn once again to go to HIM for comfort.  HE knew why I was hurting when I felt unseen, unheard, unknown, forgotten, and abandoned.  HE knew how badly I wanted HIM to write a message through my pain.  Afterall, I couldn't have possibly gone through everything I had just to merely survive.  HE knew the lie that had become my TRUTH, and HE knew the very moment I would break FREE from that lie!  HE knew, and HE loved me through it ALL.  HE met me right where I was didn't rush me, rather led me to HIS still waters, gave me rest in the greenest pastures, held out HIS hand and asked me if I was ready to TRUST HIM.  HE didn't rush me, rather HE loved me, held me, and filled me with HIS STRENGTH, TRUTH, and PEACE. HE proved to me over and over that indeed HIS GRACE is more than SUFFICENT for me.

Precious Dear Ones,  

HE did ALL of this for me, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you too!!  HE is with you; HE is making a way through the wilderness.  HE knows how much you are hurting, how tired and worn out you are.  HE LOVES YOU and knows and HE has plan for you.  The question that remains is will you seek HIM with a willing mind, and an open heart?  Will you give HIM EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS?  Will you go ALL in?  Will you give HIM your broken heart and TRUST HIM to heal and mend it?  Truly Dear Ones, I am LIVING PROOF that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  May today be the day you say yes to TRUSTING HIM, to your healing, to your freedom.  May you come to know HIM not only as your SAVIOR but allow HIM to BE the LORD of your life.  May you BE transformed through the REFINING FIRE of HIS LOVE.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

 Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

eyes up, Dear Heart

  "[looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the One who brings our faith to maturity], who for the joy [of accomplishing the goal] set before Him endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God [revealing His deity, His authority, and the completion of His work]" Hebrews 12:2 Amplified Version

While on my walk this morning I felt HIM speak to my heart.  "Eyes up Dear Heart."   Since Monday night I was replaying a moment of weakness in a grief trigger from last week.  Over and over, I replayed the moment wondering why I wasn't able to just shrug off the trigger and why it had affected me like it did.  To be honest I was humiliated by my response, and embarrassed when it was revealed to me another person's perception of my response.

I've fought really hard for the past almost 12 years to BE honoring in my grief.  To NOT allow my emotions to overtake me, as I've learned in the hardest of ways that not every person is able to handle my grief, and or my processing of my grief.  It has been in some of my vulnerable moments where I was attacked the hardest by the enemy.  Attacks, and schemes that took me years to overcome, process through with JESUS, give HIM all the emotions attached to the wound, and allow HIM to lead me through forgiveness of the unjust treatment I've received whilst grieving through the deep loss of my son.

These moments I'm learning replayed over and over in my mind to keep me distracted.  So, while I was walking this morning, I felt HIS DAILY BREAD falling from Heaven right into my heart.  ALL I have to focus on is HIS VOICE, to keep my eyes up, Dear Heart as HE knows the distractions, and how I get exhausted by the tears that fall as the memories and moments flood my mind and my heart.  HE knows how hard I fight through the urge to hold onto grudges, and just be mad, after all who could possibly blame me when I've been through so much.  When I've endured the unimageable, I've survived the Tsunami of Grief, in the sea of agony, of overwhelming sorrow, and excruciating pain.  I've lived almost 12 years without my son.  I've overcome CPTSD, Hypervigilance, Anxiety, Depression, just to name the top 4.  ALL because of JESUS.  Because of the HOLY RESET that HE has taken me through this past year. 

HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE floods my mind so that I know I am so deeply loved and cared for by reminding me of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me has brough me back centered, eyes up, SEEKING ONLY HIM.  Pouring ALL my emotions, feelings, thoughts out to HIM.  Handing my aching mended heart into HIS capable healing hands.  When the heaviness has become too much for me once again and all I know is something has to break, or I'm going to break.  HE whispers to me, "I'VE got you Dear Heart, I'M here.  I'M with you, I won't EVER leave you.  I have a plan, I know how hard this has all been.  I know how unfairly you've been treated; I know you've tried so hard to fight through the tears.  But I promise you, they are NEVER too much for ME.  You, MY PRECIOUS DEAR HEART are NEVER too much for me."

HIS TRUTH is so deeply comforting to me, as with all that has been going on in my life, I only NEED to keep my eyes focused on HIM.  I NEED only to seek HIM Once again HE is reminding me WHY HE has so lovingly taught me over and over WHY I am to PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily, Ephesians 6:10-20.  HE is letting me know HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has been the foundation to prepare me for understanding the NEED for HIS DAILY BREAD.  HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE that I can always BE recentered, I can ALWAYS change my focus back to HIM.  HE will ALWAYS be right there to show me THE WAY, John 14:6.  

HE is teaching me HIS word so that I may edify it for the readers, the very souls who read this blog.  This means you Dear Ones.   I may not know who you are, but rest assured HE knows you.  HE knows the posts that resonate with you, cause you to well up with tears, and even close the window of the blog as out of sight out of mind.  HE knows when you've had enough, and when you are ready for even more healing.    HE is with you, waiting for you to let HIM in, to TRUST HIM with your heart.  HE knows how heartbroken you are, angry you are, bitter you are, and how lonely you are.  HE even knows when you've given up on life.  When you've decided surviving until you die is the plan you've decided upon.  HE knows, and HE knows why and what made you decide that.  Unlike people HE isn't disappointed in you, rather HIS compassion and love run deep for you.  HE just wants to help you, and HE will wait as long as it takes for you to allow HIM into your heart.  Even if you are already walking with JESUS, you've given your life to HIM, yet find yourself in an extremely difficult season of your life, where TRUST is so very vulnerable for you.  As the hurt and pain that you've endured keeps you avoiding anything remotely resembling what you've already been through.  

Dear Ones,

HE will NEVER fail you.  This is HIS HOLY PROMISE that is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE knows why you're scared, and how deep the scars go to when you stopped TRUSTING HIM.  HE isn't mad at you or punishing you.  HE is there to help you.  HE is wanting to SHINE HIS LIGHT, HIS GLORY in your life so that you will SEE the TRUTH of WHO you are, because then you'll know WHOSE you are.  You were made in HIS image, and WHO you are in CHRIST JESUS is the ONLY TRUTH you NEED to know.  My prayer is that you'll seek HIM, HIS TRUTH, and know that HE hears you, and will answer you.  HE is Truly TRUSTWORTHY and STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to remain, even when you're struggling to TRUST HIM.  Dear One's HE has a plan for that too. Whatever your addictions, habits, hangups, obsessions, whatever lies have you bound up, locked in a prison, HE knows.  HE knows the way out.  HE will make a way for you.  HE is there, waiting to hold you, to heal you, to help you, to teach, lead, and guide you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM once again, or for the 1st time.  May you begin your own journey of eyes up, Dear Heart.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather