it's okay

 Last week I wrote about Forever Tears, and yesterday I began to cry tears I have never cried, because up until now I wasn't able to even express what the pain was that I was feeling.  So as always, it was through a song.  About heaven taking someone early, in a season of life that was good, and how they weren't ready to let them go.  It goes on to talk about sitting in the hospital room to say goodbye.  Never had I heard a song that was so relatable to how I felt about losing Seth.

The Truth is, Seth left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him.  Losing him the way that we did, with no chance of saving him, or even fighting for him.  When I found him, it was just over, and somehow someway I was just supposed to accept it, grieve, cry, and then move on.  Afterall life is for the living.  This very expectation kept me from being able to cry the tears that are now pouring out of me.  Tears that I wasn't ready to lose Seth, I most certainly wasn't prepared to say goodbye.  I wasn't ready to feel my broken heart beating while Seth's had stopped.  I wasn't ready for the agony, and the cruel reality that all eyes were on me to just heal up, be strong, and keep on keeping on.

As the tears soaked my pillow last night, I prayed, I poured my heart out to JESUS, "why now, why these tears?"  HIS answer, "It's okay Dear Heart, I know how much it hurt you to lose Seth, to give him back, to stand in heaven's doorway.  It's okay that you're still not okay.  I'M here cry deep into MY chest.  I know I'M here; I will help you.  Eye's up Dear Heart, I AM making a way." Exhaustion soon took over and I fell into a much-needed deep sleep.

When I awoke this morning, I wondered if the tears would fall today, and sure enough they did.  However, I didn't let it stop me from seeking HIM, reading HIS word, asking HIM for my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  Ask, and you shall receive, HIS DAILY BREAD, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today led me straight into the book of Acts 20:19 to be exact.  How the apostle Paul received discernment from HIS HOLY SPIRIT, how he served the LORD with all humility and tears. no matter what.  Even if......

HE revealed to me that much like HIS apostle Paul, I, too have endured and faced more trials more than most.  I have endured, and I haven't given up.  I've kept writing, kept sharing HIS good news of HIS amazing grace even in the midst of suffering.  I have suffered with JESUS; I have mourned with JESUS.  I have cried the most guttural tears of agony into HIS chest.  I have forgiven and let go of the hurt that has complied on top of my broken heart.  I have given HIM my heart, to be bound up and healed.  I have TRUSTED HIM in my healing and restoration.  I have kept a resilient FAITH, TRUSTING HIM with all my pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.  I've TRUSTED HIM to lead me through this journey of life after deep loss.

Because of my journey of Resilient Faith, I am able to go back with HIM, not to hurt me, but to release me.  Release me from the lie of still grieving, still crying, as if it's wrong for me to do just that.  HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for me is this:  It's okay that I've reached an even deeper level of grief.  It's okay because it's pain that I wasn't ready to name or speak about.  Pain that I couldn't even begin to comprehend, let alone articulate until I reached the level of healing that I have been brought through.

Healing is wild, as I never know what door it will unlock.  Today healing is allowing me to say all the words that shock, agony, and sorrow kept me from speaking.  Heaven did take Seth too early.  Death showed up, in the midst of one of the happiest, most free moments I had ever experienced.  Standing on the mountaintop of peace with Seth in my arms, I surrendered.  FULL SURRENDER, TRUE HUMILITY (or at least I thought I did.) And just like that, before the days end, my heart would be shattered, and life as we knew it would be irrevocably changed.  All of which destroyed me and has led me through the darkest years of my life.  Losing Seth the way we did, how it affected each of us.  Grieving with JESUS didn't always help, and that devastated me. I so desperately wanted and needed to be healed, and all I knew was for the past almost 12 years all Ive done is cry out to JESUS, the pain of missing Seth and the suffering in learning to live without him has felt like hell on earth.

My tears are releasing the hurt and anguish of people seemingly forgetting what my family and I went through.  For them it seemed as if nothing changed.  For us though, our family grew, but one of us was still missing.  Seth's death changed each of us.  I can only speak for myself.  My arms still ache for him; I can only remember him as the age he was on the day I last kissed his sweet little face and ran my fingers through his hair one.last.time.  I can only remember having to get up from the chair at the cemetery.  Walking away from his little casket being lowered into the ground.  The earthly body that I birthed, held, nursed, cared for.  Loved, kissed, sang to, jumped and danced with and wept over.  That precious little earthly body.  His blue eyes just like his Papa's whom he was named after.  My Seth Daniel, forever 1, left this world far too early, went home to Heaven to live with JESUS, took a piece of my heart with him, and that, that still hurts me.  I still struggle with that.  I still cry and miss him.  I still wonder who he would be.  Back to school is next month and is the start of the reminders of who he would have been.  All of it hurts, and it's okay.

Precious Dear Ones,

It's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to cry, to ask why, and to not understand.  HE loves you, and HE is with you.  HE will help you.  HIS plans for you are amazing.  Plans to help you, hold you, and heal you.  HE knows what you need even before you do.  HIS grace is ALL sufficient for you, and HIS tender mercies are made new just.for.you each morning.  HE has plans to restore your JOY and to give you HOPE and a future.  But don't just take my word for it.  Seek HIM with ALL your heart and ask HIM for your portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  SEEK HIS TRUTH for your life.  HE will help you, HIS plans for your life are to FREE you, and give you the life you have prayed for. And if today is just a day of tears, well it's okay because if I've learned anything, well HE has a plan for that too!!

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

Nothing Less....

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”

Everything and NOTHING LESS is HIS Daily Bread for me to consume today.  HIS loving reminder to seek HIM with ALL my heart, and to TRUST HIS word that when I seek HIM, I WILL find HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that it isn't just about me seeking HIM though, it's about WHY I am seeking HIM.  This is the heart check:  am I merely seeking to see what HE can do for me?  Or am I seeking HIM with a WILLNG MIND, and OPEN HEART to serve HIM no matter the cost?

This very question brings me back to the morning of October 13, 2014, when I stood in my office with Seth in my arms and promised HIM, I would do ANYTHING HE asked of me... no matter what.  Well, if you've been around for a while you know what happened not even 8 hours later.  Even if enter my life, and the question of WILL you, Heather, TRUST ME?  Do you believe that I AM, I WILL make a way?  Honestly for the past almost 12 years I seriously questioned whether or not I could actually TRUST HIM, or if I would be willing to go ALL IN once again, or would fear, and torment keep me from saying yes to HIM?  

This morning I was reminded of the many moments in the past almost 12 years where I struggled to worship, I struggled to hold my head up, as my HOPE was barely hanging on.  As the song played this morning, "THE GREAT I AM," HE took me back to when that song was on repeat in my headphones.  Remembering my prayers of, "Please JESUS help me, I hurt so bad, missing Seth hurts, living in this life after loss feels impossible.  No one understands, or SEES me, I'm too much, and yet oddly not enough."  My tears pooling as oceans at my feet, I cried to the end of my soul.  The pain of grief, loss, and fighting through the hell on earth was unbearable.  I didn't SEE a way then, still I clung to HIS PROMISES.

TRULY, I would have lost HOPE had I not SEEN HIS goodness in the land of the living here in this life after loss, Psalm 27:13.  So much I wanted so badly to have my faith and confidence restored to TRUSTING HIM fully and completely, that my dedication to seeking HIM would be NOTHING LESS than ALL OF ME, than ALL IN, no matter what.  Even if it meant... even if.

So much for the past 7.5 months HE has instilled in me a readiness to GO ALL IN, to give HIM     EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS, even if it costs me my life.  As Charlie Kirk said in one of his final interviews, "I'd want to be remembered for having courage for my Faith."  That would be my answer as well.  That I didn't give up when I was suffering, when I was being strengthened, when I was growing.  That not even walking through the valley of the shadow of death could take me out.  That not even having a front row seat of watching HIM call HIS son home, my Seth, my littlest boy, handing him back to HIS heavenly FATHER, TRUSTING HE would care for him, and then handing HIM my heart to heal it, to mend it, to transform it, to revive it. 

This I know for certain; the enemy banked on me dying from my broken mama heart.  He expected me to end my suffering on my own terms, BUT GOD, oh HE had much better plans.  HE knew how long it would take to mend and heal my broken heart.  HE knew the journey, and the steps I would take to seek HIM, to give HIM my WHOLE LIFE, and NOTHING LESS.  HE knew HIS TRUTH that I would FIND because I began to SEEK HIM with a willing mind, to be renewed by HIS TRUTH and by settling for NOTHING LESS. HE knew the FREEDOM I would find, and the healing I would receive that would FREE the littlest most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of me.  HE knew the transformative, and restorative work HE would do in my life.  HE knew how I would come to the end of myself in stuffing myself for comfort and led me straight to the FREEDOM I so desperately needed.  HE knew how scared I was to look to the future, let alone dream.  HE gave me just enough strength to do the next right thing.

For over a year now HE has remained steadfastly FAITHFUL to teach, lead, and guide me to understand about consumption.  Not only in food and drinks, but also in what my eyes SEE and my ears hear.  HE has given me chance after chance to begin again.  Each morning pouring out HIS mercy for me to experience, as I learn once again to go to HIM for comfort.  HE knew why I was hurting when I felt unseen, unheard, unknown, forgotten, and abandoned.  HE knew how badly I wanted HIM to write a message through my pain.  Afterall, I couldn't have possibly gone through everything I had just to merely survive.  HE knew the lie that had become my TRUTH, and HE knew the very moment I would break FREE from that lie!  HE knew, and HE loved me through it ALL.  HE met me right where I was didn't rush me, rather led me to HIS still waters, gave me rest in the greenest pastures, held out HIS hand and asked me if I was ready to TRUST HIM.  HE didn't rush me, rather HE loved me, held me, and filled me with HIS STRENGTH, TRUTH, and PEACE. HE proved to me over and over that indeed HIS GRACE is more than SUFFICENT for me.

Precious Dear Ones,  

HE did ALL of this for me, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you too!!  HE is with you; HE is making a way through the wilderness.  HE knows how much you are hurting, how tired and worn out you are.  HE LOVES YOU and knows and HE has plan for you.  The question that remains is will you seek HIM with a willing mind, and an open heart?  Will you give HIM EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS?  Will you go ALL in?  Will you give HIM your broken heart and TRUST HIM to heal and mend it?  Truly Dear Ones, I am LIVING PROOF that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  May today be the day you say yes to TRUSTING HIM, to your healing, to your freedom.  May you come to know HIM not only as your SAVIOR but allow HIM to BE the LORD of your life.  May you BE transformed through the REFINING FIRE of HIS LOVE.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

 Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

eyes up, Dear Heart

  "[looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the One who brings our faith to maturity], who for the joy [of accomplishing the goal] set before Him endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God [revealing His deity, His authority, and the completion of His work]" Hebrews 12:2 Amplified Version

While on my walk this morning I felt HIM speak to my heart.  "Eyes up Dear Heart."   Since Monday night I was replaying a moment of weakness in a grief trigger from last week.  Over and over, I replayed the moment wondering why I wasn't able to just shrug off the trigger and why it had affected me like it did.  To be honest I was humiliated by my response, and embarrassed when it was revealed to me another person's perception of my response.

I've fought really hard for the past almost 12 years to BE honoring in my grief.  To NOT allow my emotions to overtake me, as I've learned in the hardest of ways that not every person is able to handle my grief, and or my processing of my grief.  It has been in some of my vulnerable moments where I was attacked the hardest by the enemy.  Attacks, and schemes that took me years to overcome, process through with JESUS, give HIM all the emotions attached to the wound, and allow HIM to lead me through forgiveness of the unjust treatment I've received whilst grieving through the deep loss of my son.

These moments I'm learning replayed over and over in my mind to keep me distracted.  So, while I was walking this morning, I felt HIS DAILY BREAD falling from Heaven right into my heart.  ALL I have to focus on is HIS VOICE, to keep my eyes up, Dear Heart as HE knows the distractions, and how I get exhausted by the tears that fall as the memories and moments flood my mind and my heart.  HE knows how hard I fight through the urge to hold onto grudges, and just be mad, after all who could possibly blame me when I've been through so much.  When I've endured the unimageable, I've survived the Tsunami of Grief, in the sea of agony, of overwhelming sorrow, and excruciating pain.  I've lived almost 12 years without my son.  I've overcome CPTSD, Hypervigilance, Anxiety, Depression, just to name the top 4.  ALL because of JESUS.  Because of the HOLY RESET that HE has taken me through this past year. 

HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE floods my mind so that I know I am so deeply loved and cared for by reminding me of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me has brough me back centered, eyes up, SEEKING ONLY HIM.  Pouring ALL my emotions, feelings, thoughts out to HIM.  Handing my aching mended heart into HIS capable healing hands.  When the heaviness has become too much for me once again and all I know is something has to break, or I'm going to break.  HE whispers to me, "I'VE got you Dear Heart, I'M here.  I'M with you, I won't EVER leave you.  I have a plan, I know how hard this has all been.  I know how unfairly you've been treated; I know you've tried so hard to fight through the tears.  But I promise you, they are NEVER too much for ME.  You, MY PRECIOUS DEAR HEART are NEVER too much for me."

HIS TRUTH is so deeply comforting to me, as with all that has been going on in my life, I only NEED to keep my eyes focused on HIM.  I NEED only to seek HIM Once again HE is reminding me WHY HE has so lovingly taught me over and over WHY I am to PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily, Ephesians 6:10-20.  HE is letting me know HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has been the foundation to prepare me for understanding the NEED for HIS DAILY BREAD.  HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE that I can always BE recentered, I can ALWAYS change my focus back to HIM.  HE will ALWAYS be right there to show me THE WAY, John 14:6.  

HE is teaching me HIS word so that I may edify it for the readers, the very souls who read this blog.  This means you Dear Ones.   I may not know who you are, but rest assured HE knows you.  HE knows the posts that resonate with you, cause you to well up with tears, and even close the window of the blog as out of sight out of mind.  HE knows when you've had enough, and when you are ready for even more healing.    HE is with you, waiting for you to let HIM in, to TRUST HIM with your heart.  HE knows how heartbroken you are, angry you are, bitter you are, and how lonely you are.  HE even knows when you've given up on life.  When you've decided surviving until you die is the plan you've decided upon.  HE knows, and HE knows why and what made you decide that.  Unlike people HE isn't disappointed in you, rather HIS compassion and love run deep for you.  HE just wants to help you, and HE will wait as long as it takes for you to allow HIM into your heart.  Even if you are already walking with JESUS, you've given your life to HIM, yet find yourself in an extremely difficult season of your life, where TRUST is so very vulnerable for you.  As the hurt and pain that you've endured keeps you avoiding anything remotely resembling what you've already been through.  

Dear Ones,

HE will NEVER fail you.  This is HIS HOLY PROMISE that is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE knows why you're scared, and how deep the scars go to when you stopped TRUSTING HIM.  HE isn't mad at you or punishing you.  HE is there to help you.  HE is wanting to SHINE HIS LIGHT, HIS GLORY in your life so that you will SEE the TRUTH of WHO you are, because then you'll know WHOSE you are.  You were made in HIS image, and WHO you are in CHRIST JESUS is the ONLY TRUTH you NEED to know.  My prayer is that you'll seek HIM, HIS TRUTH, and know that HE hears you, and will answer you.  HE is Truly TRUSTWORTHY and STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to remain, even when you're struggling to TRUST HIM.  Dear One's HE has a plan for that too. Whatever your addictions, habits, hangups, obsessions, whatever lies have you bound up, locked in a prison, HE knows.  HE knows the way out.  HE will make a way for you.  HE is there, waiting to hold you, to heal you, to help you, to teach, lead, and guide you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM once again, or for the 1st time.  May you begin your own journey of eyes up, Dear Heart.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

forever tears

Usually whenever my tears fall, I just wait for the moment to pass.  Lately though, that's becoming more of a challenge for me.  I guess it's the realization that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.  That when my first tears of agony fell, they were the beginning of my forever tears. Tears that I would cry so much, that those around me just became numb to them.  As they have learned that I am just a crier, so much I call myself the professional crier.

That being said, crying takes a lot out of me.  Honestly, I miss my life of who I was before my forever tears. I'm beyond heartbroken that I've had to figure out how to live without one of my children.  That I've had to navigate through child loss with my husband.  That the fierce pain of one of us is missing is always prevalent. That it's been almost 12 years and D and I are still processing how traumatic it was to lose Seth.  

Last night D shared with me how a lot of his trauma is how people reacted to my grieving.  There was so much church hurt, so many broken relationships, friendships, and judgements.  Within the 1st month the attacks began and didn't let up until we sought refuge in our home, stopped going to church, and stopped letting other people into our grief.  For the next 6 years we would do all we could to survive.  We would try our best to help our heartbroken children who missed their littlest brother so desperately.

Forever tears for my oldest son as at then tender age of 5 was forced to say goodbye to his best friend.  The heart wrenching reality that would overwhelm him the 1st time he visited his little brother's grave.  Him realizing Seth didn't live at the cemetery, that he was gone.... gone.  Holding him in our arms, D and I did our best to console him in his grief.  How could we possibly explain to him what we ourselves were still struggling to grasp.

Forever tears at stop lights as I tried so hard to get it together to be Mama to my precious 4, and then soon to be 5.  Tears that would flood my eyes as I struggled to connect with the precious little girl in my womb.  Forever tears that poured like rain in complete fear to fall in love with her.  Bringing her home from the hospital I remember crying to the end of my soul, afraid, asking GOD "to take her now, don't wait till I fall in love with her."  As the mere thought of losing again was more than I could bear.  

Forever Tears in my many therapists, doctors, and Psychiatrists offices as my mind struggled to process the diagnosis that went hand in hand with child loss.  Tears that fell when panic attacks entered my life, and the feelings of failure were all consuming.  Tears that fell as I watched the lives of those who were there in the crisis, well their lives continued.  Some having more children and are still raising ALL of their children.  Tears I've cried as I've battled through the bitterness, jealousy, anger, and resentment.

Forever Tears that have asked the questions that I was too afraid to say.  "GOD, do YOU even care?"  Afterall where was GOD and why did HE allow us to be so shattered, why were people so cruel to each of us.  Why couldn't we have compassion, sympathy, or empathy in the loss of Seth.  Why did our world end, and yet those who hurt us in our most vulnerable state of being not apologize for doing so.  Why were we supposed to just accept this was just the way things were and would remain.

Forever Tears when the silence of not hearing Seth's name was deafening.  Tears that would fall as I would finally open up about the excruciating pain of not hearing Seth's name and being told that it was my job to say his name, that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to say his name as his memory was all on me.  

As I type this out today, I'm realizing that it's not me going back in my life, rather it's inviting JESUS into the deepest pain I've endured.  It's letting HIM soothe the scars that have been irritated by memories, and moments of familiarity.  It's having deep compassion for myself, grace for myself that I didn't think I deserved as I felt so much pressure to just get it together, get over it.  Cry enough, wipe my tears, put on my mask as to not offend anyone.  Today I'm realizing that being told my grief was offensive to people was deeply traumatic for me.  That in inflicted even more pain in my heart than the agony I was already in.  It's being able to look at the situations and encounters I found myself in.  Not because of what I did, rather it's what I didn't do.  I wasn't inspiring enough because I couldn't stop my forever tears.

Soon... it will be 12 years.... and I still cry.... I still grieve... I still miss Seth.  I'm still realizing how deep the pain of missing goes.  I'm learning to love myself well.  I'm learning to TRUST JESUS even more with my heart.  I'm learning to LET GO, so that HE can, and HE does, and HE will.  I'm learning that as I stand at the ocean of sorrow, HE'S parting the waves, revealing the path for me to walk.  HIS love and compassion are endless for me.  HE isn't tired of me needing HIM.  TRULY I am blessed to BE MOURNING WITH JESUS, as HE is giving me everything I need.  TRULY HE has caught and kept every single one of my oceans of forever tears.

Precious Dear Ones,

Deep loss is so very hard, and heavy.  HE knows, HE SEES you.  HIS love and compassion are endless for you.  HE knows and SEES how hard you are trying to just stay afloat.  To keep smiling, keep living, keep hoping, keep praying.  HE SEES it ALL.  HE knows how much you NEED HIS LIGHT, to BE the strength you don't have on your own.  How the missing is fierce, how living a life you don't recognize has changed you.  HE has caught and kept every single one of your forever tears, as they are so very sacred to HIM.  HE is close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34:18

Always, with so much love, understanding, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

carry

The hurt inside... that I hide deep down inside of me.  The sometimes-overwhelming pain of missing Seth leaves me breathless.  Finds me broken on my bathroom floor late at night when no one else is awake.  It's where I feel safest to fall apart.  When the pain bubbles up and pours from my eyes, and I know it's just the release of keeping a brave face for so long, until I can't hide it anymore.  

Hiding, because my grief has outlasted the sympathy from those around me.  Empathy comes and goes, but most of all it's the constant fishbowl that I find myself in.  The arena of life announcing the next thing.  The hurt, the battles, the pain, the scars, all of it.  I smile to cope; I try so hard to stay afloat to not be pulled under with the deep sadness that takes over when I allow myself to miss my son.  When I let my guard down, and fall deep into HIS arms, safe in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS to cry to the end.of.my.soul.

So much I find myself trying so hard to just keep positive, to think of Seth HEALED and WHOLE in Heaven... but alas I am so very human, and as Seth's Mama my tears, my sadness finds me.  I manage to evade the pain, the grief, and keep moving forward.  Until I reach the point where I can't go on.  Not without a release of the heaviness of the tears that are stored up, ready to fall at a moment's notice. Where I fight a battle in my mind, feeling betrayed by my heart, as if JESUS isn't enough for me to keep moving forward.

Then I feel HIS warm embrace, pull me even closer still.  I breathe in HIS peace, and let all the pain, the tears, the sorrow, the questions, the heartbreaking realizations that keep flooding me year after year.  Feeling so fragile, too fragile to even stand.  HE reminds me that I don't have to do this on my own.  HE is there to help me, to hold me, and to carry me through.  HE lets me know that HE SEES me trying so hard, to hold it together, to not seem ungrateful for ALL HE has done for me.  To be grateful for HIS steadfast faithfulness to remain with me through it all.  HE is wanting me to know that HE NEVER grows tired of being the ONE to carry me through my pain, my sorrow, my sadness, my struggle to accept HIS TRUTH, accept that I'm still crying, still missing, and it hurts.  OH, SWEET JESUS it just hurts so bad.

Even as I type this post, my tears are streaming.  I'm having to pause to wipe away my tears because they are flooding my eyes, pouring like rain.  Even now, after all this time, the pain still feels so fresh, so raw, so deep.  A well of emotions bubbles up within me.   Suffering from a life altering loss.  Still almost 12 years later I'm still learning how to live without my son.  I'm still learning how deep the missing goes.  How much time is brutal to my mended broken heart.  For I am convinced that if you were to look at my heart you would SEE all the pieces put back together by HIS love.  You'd SEE HIS strength pouring through my veins, and you'd SEE me encompassed in HIS peace.

For this I am so very grateful.  For this very reason, is why I didn't just give up.  It's why I still write.  It's why in everything I do, I pray it is ALL FOR HIS GLORY.  It's my JESUS STORY.  It's my Redemption story.  HE is my source of ALL my strength, as I haven't been able to do any of this without HIM.  HE has remained steadfastly faithful right beside me.  Holding me as I fall apart.  Pouring strength into me to serve, to hold other's people's pain and stories.  HE'S given me the ability to pray, to intercede on behalf of those who are mourning and the brokenhearted.  For those who are suffering, HE has taught me how to listen, to pray, to listen, to pray, and repeat.  To pray to HIM to carry them through.  

Precious Dear Ones,

If today should find you struggling to even stand, or even lift your arms to be lifted up, HE is there.  Cry out to HIM.  Let your tears fall, cry out to JESUS because HE cares so deeply for you. HE NEVER grows tired of being needed by you.  HE doesn't want you to pretend for HIM, HE knows how heavy the burdens are that are weighing you down.  HE knows why, what happened and how deep your scars and pain go.  HE knows when you are smiling just to cope, just to stay afloat.  HE knows, HE SEES you, HE is there to help you, to hold you, to carry you through whatever it is that you are going through.  Even if it's been hidden from the rest of the world.  Even if you're struggling to let it out because of shame and guilt, HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has a plan to help you through it.  To FREE you from the shame and guilt.  HE is TRUSTWORTHY to hold all of your emotions, all your feelings that you keep swallowing so that no one knows.  HE knows, HE is there, HE is waiting for you to let HIM pull you through whatever it is that you're going through.  May today be the day where you lean back into HIS embrace and let HIM carry you through.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

Built for TRUTH...

Built for TRUTH... has been all consuming in my heart lately.  HIS DAILY BREAD for me today is HIM filling me with discernment that I've only received through surrender.  Letting go of my judgements, perspectives, letting down my walls of pride that have kept me from SEEING HIS TRUTH.  Surrender of the feelings of unforgiveness that I feel rightly to have.  HE is letting me know, that the very unforgiveness that I am holding onto is keeping me from the healing HE has for me.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is revealing the importance for me to have open-hearted faith so that I will be readily available to do the very things HE has planned for my life.  HE is letting me know the pre-requisites to having an open-hearted faith are a willingness to let go, to surrender, to be ready to love as JESUS loves, and to allow HIM to soften my heart (even when I disagree).  

Pride, well that has tripped me up for so long.  This is because of the layers of self-protection I have worn since I was 2.5 and didn't take off until I turned 48.  Self-Protective layers that I needed at the time but don't serve any purpose for me now in the chapter of my life I am living with JESUS.  In letting go and allowing HIM to open my spiritual eyes to SEE (open-hearted faith) I am reminded of why HE has so lovingly taken so much time preparing me every step of the way through learning and understanding of the imperativeness of a HOLY RESPONSE in the conflict, confusion, and division in my life.

I am learning, and well my awareness is increasing daily that I'll be learning until either JESUS comes back, or I am called HOME to BE with JESUS, Philippians 1:6.  That if I am waiting for the moment for heart work to cease in my life, well that just isn't going to happen, for as long as I am breathing, I NEED JESUS.  I NEED HIM not only to BE my SAVIOR, but my LORD.  I NEED HIM to help me understand that I was built - created for HIS TRUTH.  HIS TRUTH IS:  ALL OF HIS KIDS- you, me, we were ALL BUILT for TRUTH, NOT to swallow the lies of the enemy, Ephesians 2:20-21

HIS TRUTH IS reminding me once again that I was NOT given a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND, 2 Timothy 1:7.  The enemy schemes ALL of the time to take me out.  To trip me up in pride, judgement, animosity, bitterness, jealousy, anger, hatred, and unforgiveness.  This is because relationally for most of my life that same lie that was breathed into my soul, was cultivated over and over again in every season, every stage, every chapter of my life.  It's where I can look back on my life and the villain's I "thought" I had, all have the same characteristics, same personality, and a common theme of the attacks came in the same manner.  Attacking my self-esteem, self-worth, increased the intensity of loneliness, being forgotten, unwanted, unworthy, unlovable, too much, and not enough.  In the attacks, the schemes the enemy successfully tricked me into believing isolation was the ONLY way to avoid another level of betrayal in my life.  

I spent most of my life until 4 years ago swallowing lies, and it wasn't until HE began to teach me how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR did, I learn to fight.  Did I learn WHO I was fighting.  It wasn't until then that I learned the upmost importance and power in PRAYING in HIS MIGHTY and HOLY name, JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH.  In putting on HIS ARMOR daily HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over my life, cutting out the lies at the root, as people pleasing was one of the deepest-rooted lies in my life.  As part of my self-protection was NOT to draw unwanted attention to myself, do my absolute best to stay under the radar.  To avoid conflict at all costs.  That is until my eyes were opened to SEE the lies that I was swallowing daily, that skewed my perspective for living and kept me from SEEING with a FRESH HEAVENLY PERSPECTIVE, which has ALWAYS been HIS TRUTH.

Conflict has invaded my everyday life, even in my own family.  Division, destruction and estrangement have become our reality.  That the attacks against me weren't enough for the enemy, he began to target my family.  Those whom my heart bleeds for in their loss, their grief, their struggles, their storms of life.  I'm watching from the sidelines, praying, waiting for HIM to rescue those who have fallen prey to the enemies lies and schemes.  All the while praying to keep my eyes opened to SEE, to never just assume, but to prayerfully seek HIS TRUTH always.  Even so boldly praying that HE would help me to accept HIS TRUTH even if it's devastating, even if it's hard.  Praying daily to have, to keep my resolve for a HOLY RESPONSE, that even when it hurts, even if it isn't true, not reacting, rather giving HIM ALL my emotions, feelings of anger, hurt, and overwhelming sadness.  

Life hasn't gotten easier; I've just gotten stronger because of JESUS.  Because of HIS strength poured over me, in me, and flowing through me.  It's because of HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE, HIS HOLY PROMISES that HE has kept steadfastly faithful to me, for me.  It's because I am learning I was Built for HIS TRUTH and am never expected by HIM to swallow the lies just to keep the peace.  Rather to speak boldly HIS TRUTH in love, to step way, stand aside, take a HOLY RESPONSE posture of grace and humility.  To wait for JESUS, to allow HIM to lead me.  As HE is after all the Author and Perfector of my FAITH, Hebrews 12:2

Dear Ones,

HE knows, HE understands why, what happened, what was said to you, gossiped about you.  HE knows the slander against you and what you have slandered in response to theirs.  HE knows what's transpired and has heard all the conversations that you weren't privy to.  HE knows the healing, the apologies that you long for.  HE knows the restoration, the renewal, the redeeming HE has planned for your life.  HE knows who you are missing, how much your heart is hurting.  HE knows, HE cares, HE is with you.  HE has NEVER left you, nor has HE ever forsaken you.  You, Dear One, are NOT alone, your name is etched in HIS hands, HE has you, HE has good and amazing plans for your life.  

HOPE HAS A NAME, HIS NAME IS JESUS

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With much love, compassion, kindness, humility, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

FREE

 For as long as I can remember I longed to be FREE from painful rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, CPTSD, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, people pleasing are just to name a few.  A few.... just typing them out I can remember how battle weary I was.  I can remember the tears I cried, the prayers I prayed, and how helpless, powerless, and hopeless my feelings were that I tried so hard to fight through.

I remember attending church as an observer, not participating in anything other than worship.  Honestly, I remember sitting in my seat week after week silently loathing anyone that was happy or smiling.  I loathed the "helpful" people as I was beyond depressed.  I wanted so badly to be FREE from suffering.  I longed to know a life outside of TRAUMA.  I would leave week after week feeling worse than I did when I arrived, and eventually I had banked up enough terrible rotten, no-good Sundays, and just ordinary days that I gave up on being with people outside of my family and small circle of people who I could trust.

My days consisted of sarcasm just to cope with the harsh reality that was my life.  Binge watching TV that wasn't anything like my life became my focus.  I took my medication like clockwork and gave into the realization that my life was as good as it would ever get, I was trapped in a cycle of the highest of highs in the rare moments, and when I would crash, it would be through self-destruction.  

It never failed that I would have a good few days, then every once in a while, weeks, and then I'd find myself on the battlefield fighting for my life.  What I didn't realize then was the only way I was able to have a "good" day was through avoidance.  Being absent from my own life was the only way I knew how to survive.  I wanted so desperately to understand the meaning behind my story, and more than anything I just wanted to be FREE.

Seven months ago, I became medication FREE, and little did I know at the time that HE was up to something BIG.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized just how BIG.  For the past seven months I've been set FREE from CPTSD, hypervigilance, rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and people pleasing. It was during a moment of intercessory for someone else in need to be set FREE did I realize that HE set me FREE from far more than I could have ever hoped or asked for.

HE revealed to me this morning HIS TRUTH, that HE knew just how timid and afraid I was to ask to be set FREE from all of those things, so I stayed small on my list of need to be set FREE from.  HE let me know that HE will NEVER grow tired of meeting my needs.  HE pulled me even closer still, wrapping me up in HIS arms, and there I remained.  Safe in the shadow of HIS mighty wings.  This was a deeply familiar place for me to be.   As it was there that I received the most life changing comfort in the deep loss of my son.  It was in HIS arms that I learned I could TRUST HIM with my tears, and I could cry deep into HIS chest.  

This morning HE reminded me that even though I've been set FREE from so many lies of oppression, HE knows that I still NEED HIM.  HE reminded me that I was created on purpose to NEED HIM.  That it was never the plan for me to do anything by myself, That HIS plans for my life include even more moments of me being set FREE by HIS TRUTH.  HE wanted me to know that when I discover even more of HIS truth for myself, HE'S grinning from ear to ear as HE is so proud of me.  HE is reminding me of my new name HE gave me, Ravah (immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT) is a constant continual tangible reminder for me to remember HE is for me, NEVER against me.  That HE is my ABBA, my GOOD SHEPHERED, my FATHER OF GOOD GIFTS, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my CHAMPION, my LORD and SAVIOR, my LIVING HOPE, my JESUS.

My JESUS story is how I was set FREE to pray, to intercede on behalf of the souls I encounter who too are being held in bondage through lies of oppression.  To pray on their behalf because I recognize the lies, and the emotions wrapped up in lies.  The self-destruction, confusion, division, and isolation that takes over a battle-weary soul.  It is an honor and a privilege to sit with someone whose story feels too much, or not good enough.  To someone who has gone their whole life feeling unseen, unloved, unknown, and unwanted, is so very battle-weary, on the battlefield unsure of what they're even fighting for.   

This was me; I knew how to put on the ARMOR OF GOD, I just didn't understand who or what my enemies were.  It was JESUS fighting for me, setting me FREE that has empowered me to speak boldly, to pray earnestly, and ceaselessly for myself and others. It's where I've learned how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Ephesians 6:10-20 It's where I've learned about HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for DIVINE PROTECTION, Psalm 91.

Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if any of this resonates with you, my prayer is that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM.  If you are unsure of your relationship with JESUS, cry out to HIM, "JESUS PLEASE HELP ME."  HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to set you FREE, to heal you, to help you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE, Jeremiah 29:11.   I know you may be thinking, "Heather you just don't understand."  You might be right, but what I do know is that even when the people in our lives fail us, JESUS NEVER will.  HIS plans are so good.  HE is kind, compassionate, and gentle.  HE won't rush you, HE will help you understand, and in the times where you are struggling to understand, or you're mad at HIM, well Dear Ones, HE has a plan for that too. TRUST HIM, HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, that indeed then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE, John 8:32,36

As always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather