the plan

 I've had to reconcile with the fact that the plan for my life I once knew was irrevocably changed on October 13, 2014.  That the life I was living was gone forever.  In an instant I was forced to look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself.  The plan had changed, Seth was gone, my baby, my little boy, our 5th born, their little brother had died, and forever for the rest of our lives one of us would be missing.

The plan consisted of saying goodbye, and the very thought left me feeling angry, depleted, defeated, and cheated.  The plan was so unbelievably unfair, and I felt so very betrayed by GOD.  My heart had been shattered, and my mind was blown, obliterated with just a flip of a switch everything went gray and was covered in a dense fog.  

For months I laid with my head on my bible as tears streamed from my eyes and pooled as oceans at my feet.  I drenched my bible in my tears.  I actually ruined that bible, and I kept it as a reminder of what happened during that time in my life.  I used to think I kept it as a memory, but now I know I kept it as a promise of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to remain, to catch and keep every single one of my tears because HE taught me that they are so very sacred to HIM.

In the past 2 years I've grieved even more of the plan in my life.  Plans where I thought I would have certain people in my life, if not for the rest of my life, for theirs.  I've grieved with JESUS when I didn't understand the plan, and when it hurt so bad, and made my longing for heaven even stronger.  In my tears, in my questions, I poured out my grief to JESUS, and HE met me in the sorrow, in the sadness, and brokenness of waiting for even more healing.

These days I'm not much of a worrier, as it does me absolutely no good.  I've learned this in the hardest of ways when the reality that I wasn't in control of anything beyond my thoughts, words, and actions.  Currently I am giving all of my concerns to JESUS, my tears, my fears, my worries and anxieties.  ALL.of.it.  My heart is so broken and I'm doing my best to just keep moving forward with my life, even with a broken heart.  

I'm continuing to TRUST JESUS with ALL of my life as its truly in HIS hands.  I'm taking one step at a time, taking a few deep breaths if needed to recenter, while praying for HIM to flood me with HIS peace.  Even with all the healing I've received, I'm still struggling to understand the plan as the changes have been so unbearable at times.  Saying goodbye or not even getting to say goodbye has been a struggle for me all the while grieving the deepest loss of my life.

The plan to live life and celebrate Seth's life is one that I desire.  Yet truthfully, it hurts so much to have to celebrate him, without him.  October is coming, it's on the horizon and HE'S letting me know that the plan is for me to keep my eyes open to SEE HIS GOODNESS, to BE apart of HIS GOODNESS.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how I usually white knuckle my way through October and close my eyes and pray for it to be over.  HE knows, and the plan is for me to cry, grieve, celebrate, and keep moving. The plan is to keep living, even when it hurts.

For me, living even when the plan hurts, seems so unfair, and can be downright brutal at times, still I find immense comfort in knowing the plan includes HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING. I am comforted to know that HE SEES me, HE knows the tears that fall from my eyes, and the unseen tears that cover my soul.  I am deeply comforted through songs, and writings from other's who they too have had the plan of their lives irrevocably changed. Songs that resonate with the desperation I feel in missing my son.  The deep sadness that floods my heart whenever I hear lyrics that speak volumes to the pain of my son living in heaven without me.  I am deeply comforted when I read HIS word and it reminds me that NOTHING I will have or will ever face in this life will ever be unbeknownst to HIM.  

I write often, if only, and its so many things, it says all the things that I would do if I had only known.  Things that as each day passes, I'm reminded what moments were stolen, how the silence would be so deafening, that I would have memorized Seth's voice, I would have taken more pictures, and videos capturing the very essence of his precious little self.  I would have memorized his little hands in mine, feeling him reach up, and his sweet little blue eyes looking at me, and the million times of kisses JESUS that I would have kissed JESUS a million more with him, if I had only known the plan. 

Precious Dear Ones,

Should the plan of your life change in an instant, my prayer is that you will know you are NOT alone.  Cry out to JESUS, reach for HIM, HE will reach for you.  Should you go to sleep tonight having to say goodbye too soon, should tomorrow have to start without a piece of your heart, my prayer is that you know JESUS.  That you will know HE is truly close to the brokenhearted.  HE is with you, for you, and HE will help you through the change of the plan. My prayer is that when your tears become your food, and you can no longer eat or sleep, and even though your world stopped, and time has stood still for you, I pray that you know that the sun will rise and shine once again in your life.  I pray that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING.   I pray that you will know HE is there, to hold you, to help you, and that HE won't rush you to accept or embrace the plan.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always, with so much tenderness, love, compassion from a brokenhearted Mama,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Deep Well

“I have heard many things like these;

    you are miserable comforters, all of you!

3 

Will your long-winded speeches never end?

    What ails you that you keep on arguing?

4 

I also could speak like you,

    if you were in my place;

I could make fine speeches against you

    and shake my head at you.

5 

But my mouth would encourage you;

    comfort from my lips would bring you relief.

Job 16:2-5

I just love whenever I am led to the infallible WORD of GOD and as I'm reading, I begin to SEE my life in between the scriptures.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is taking me back to a time where in the early stages of grieving through deep loss I stopped showing up.  In church, fellowship, community, and well in my life in general.  Not because I didn't need people, but because being with people, embracing life hurt so badly.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and no matter how much I prayed, cried out, begged, pleaded and came undone, I couldn't escape the living nightmare that was my reality.

Every morning I would wake up and my first though was Seth was gone.,, gone.... but how is that even possible when he was just here.  Afterall, Seth was here until he wasn't and that very truth hurt more than any words could say or begin to comprehend.  I was lost, I was in agony, I was desperate for relief.  I NEEDED healing, and I didn't know if I could wait for HIS perfect time, and even more I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I remember clearly the day I decided I would no longer show up at church, and when I stopped reading my bible.  As NOTHING was bringing me comfort.  I knew HIS PROMISES were TRUE, but in the grief, and deep sorrow, all I could see was and endless gaping hole of where my son once was.  I was so tired of my falling apart being on display.  Keeping me vulnerable to the "hamster wheel" people, whom I knew they meant well.  I always knew when they would see me, and I would envision the "hamster wheel" of thinking that if they could just think of words of brilliance that would snap me out of the deep hole of darkness and despair.  I knew they meant well, but in my raw honest grief, I hated everyone, and everything, Equally, I didn't discriminate, I hated ALL things happy, good, smiling, and fun.  My world was so dark, as I was obliterated by Seth's death, and I hated knowing and having to go to sleep with the realization becoming more real that Seth was gone... gone.... only to wake up to a new day of fresh sorrow.  I hated my life, I hated living, I wanted JESUS to come back... or to take me HOME.  I wanted relief, I NEEDED a reprieve.  I so desperately NEEDED healing, yet with the thoughts of healing came the fear, the threat of people forgetting that though Seth was out of sight, he most certainly wasn't out of my mind, and that crushed me.  

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is revealing to me HIS GOODNESS, that what once a deep hole of agony, sorrow, darkness, and despair, is now a DEEP WELL of empathy, kindness, compassion, tenderness and grace. This I know and recognize in the scriptures as HE is having me soak in HIS TRUTH in the book of JOB.  Who was a man of complete integrity, who was blameless in GOD'S eyes., and is a written story of deep agony, sorrow, and despair as JOB lost everything in his life, everything except his actual life.  Each time I read JOB, I'm taken even further into what he had endured, how his friends "tried" to comfort him, they failed spectacularly, and JOB ended up speaking the LORD'S TRUTH to them. 

I am learning that each and every morning that I choose to meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET place that is where HE meets me right where I am, and HE waits for me to BE open, to TRUST HIM with even more.  This I know, as I am currently deep into the belly of grief, which is the deepest pain where memories flow that are still so very tender, and raw.   The memories of the first moments where the worst day of my life began to unfold.  Slowly, and gently, HE is guiding me to those raw, tender moments NOT to harm me, rather to heal me, in pouring HIS soothing balm onto my not so new wounds, however, in going back into them, the pain feels like yesterday yet it feels as though it was a lifetime ago.  

This I am now SEEING as HIM teaching me to DIG a deep well of empathy, compassion, kindness, tenderness, grace, and love that is NEEDED in order for me to mourn with those who mourn.   As I have learned in my own mourning that what I NEEDED wasn't always given, and what I was given wasn't well received, and ended up doing more harm than good.  In knowing this I am RESOLVED to mourn with those who mourn just as JESUS did and continues to do every single day of my life, and since I know this.  I am determined to being a comforter, and NOT a fixer or a solver of someone's grief.  I want to BE honoring to their pain, and to BE able to love, look, and live like JESUS to whomever I encounter.

I don't want to be a "hamster wheel" person who prays pacifying prayers. I don't want to be surfacy in the willingness to sit in their suck with them.  I want to BE where HE sends me.  To sit in the suck, to cry, to mourn, to grieve.  To give and hold space to the brokenhearted.  To BE a source of HOPE, light, and love to them, and for them.  I want to BE so attuned to HIS voice, that I am able to discern when speak words of life, and TRUTH, and when to pray those very things.  I want to BE honoring, to have a DEEP WELL of empathy, that meets the brokenhearted right where they are so that they will know that they are SEEN, HEARD, and that they will know and experience that they are so deeply loved.  I so desperately want to BE HIS LIGHT in the darkness, and despair.  To BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, as HE is the source of my HOPE.  I want to pray and lift up them to JESUS WHO is THE HEALER of ALL hurts.  

My life's prayer has evolved in taking my eyes, and focus off of me, and my eyes are fixed on HIM.  To teach, lead, and guide me, to show me how to BE ALL IN.  To live, love, and look like JESUS.  So that I am HIS LIVING VESSEL to help HIM heal the brokenhearted.  Not that I will do anything, rather what HE WILL do through me.  I pray daily for the readers of this blog that they will SEE HIM, and that they will SEE their own lives in my JESUS STORY, as HE is the SAME for each and every single of us.  I pray often over the numbers, not to boast in the stats of the blog, rather to pray over the number of souls whose eyes read HIS TRUTH here in HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows, HE SEES you, HE knows how badly you are hurting.  HE knows what you have endured.  HE knows what you're struggling to forgive, and why you can't forget what's happened.  HE knows how much you cried, and HE knows how much you loathe crying.  HE knows, and HE cares.  HE has a DEEP ENDLESS WELL of compassion, kindness, tenderness, empathy, grace and mercy that is just.for.you.  Dear Ones, HE is making a way through the wilderness.  HE will make ALL things new.  HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, for me and for you.  Even if pulled away from HIM, HE'S there waiting for you to open your heart to HIM.  Even when all you see is ashes and embers of a life you once knew, HE promises to RESTORE all that you have lost.  (Truthfully this promise was one of my greatest struggles as HE wasn't going to RESTORE our life with Seth, however HE did RESTORE my precious memories of my son's life and brought me to a place where I was remembering more that he lived, and not just that he died.)  Even though, you're still seeing gray in your world, and the grief fog and cloud is hovering over you, HE promises to turn your sorrow into dancing, and will give you beauty for your ashes.  HE is with you, HE will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, even when you're struggling.  HE is STEADFASTLY FAITHFULL to REMAIN.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With a deep well of empathy, compassion, kindness, tenderness, and love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather 

lost

It's in the HOLY QUIET PLACE where HE meets me to teach, lead, and guide me.  This morning was to humble me, to remind me that because I hear my own voice over and over, it is imperative that I take every thought captive, even if it "sounds" legit.  This I am learning that without realizing it I am often led astray as I begin to wander like a lost little sheep in my own understanding.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is my portion, my consumption of HIS DAILY BREAD to understand the importance of daily seeking HIS GUIDING TRUTHS for my life.  That there is an enemy after my soul, and lives to distract, disrupt, and destroy the holiness that HE has cultivated in me.  For this I know and understand why it is paramount that I PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily.  That I begin my day with praying the way HE taught me, through the way HE modeled it to HIS first disciples in praying THE LORD'S PRAYER - Matthew 6:9-13

It never fails that as soon as I seek forgiveness for my sins, and for HIM to help me to forgive those who sin against me, HE pulls me even closer still so that I will feel the comfort of HIS embrace as HE gently reminds me of where I've fallen short in choosing forgiveness.  I am learning the more this happens, it; for my benefit, and not to condemn me or make me feel bad.  Rather it's my ABBA loving me enough to BE my GOOD SHEPHERD just as HE has always promised to me.  

I am learning that HIM being my GOOD SHEPHERD is all a part of HIM being my LORD and SAVIOR.  Daily, more and more I am falling more in love with HIS words, with HIS precepts, with HIS DIVINE guidance for my life.  I am in constant and continual awe of HIS steadfast goodness for me.  So much I am grateful for HIM always holding onto me, guiding me with HIS rod and staff, and leading me to HIS word so that not only I can read it, but I'm being also given tangible moments to call to mind, to remember when HE has always rescued HIS lost sheep.

I've been the ONE so many times in my life, and these days more often than not I am part of the ninety-nine.  This I have learned through the many serving opportunities that I have been given.  As it has been life giving to be part of the ninety-nine and watch THE GOOD SHEPHERD rescue the lost.  This is more my life these days.  As HE has so lovingly taken the time to cultivate an intercessors prayer warrior heart within me to help reach the last, the least, the lost, and the forgotten.

In the past almost 12 years HE has taken me from being shoved off the cliff when I found Seth lifeless on that ordinary Monday afternoon in October, to plunging deep into the abyss as the Tsunami of grief drug me out to the crushing waves of the deepest agony, sorrow, and overwhelming pain.  HE remained steadfastly faithful to allow me 2 years to process every single day that he had died, and what that did to my heart and mind.  In year 3 and 4, HE taught me how to cry out to HIM for comfort, and to cry deep into HIS chest.  In year 5-6 I was drowning in the sorrow of deep loss and couldn't navigate through losing Seth, and having to miss him gutted me.  In year 7- HE met me in the most tangible way and pull me even closer still and let me know that HE knew why I didn't TRUST HIM, and HIS HOLY SPIRIT even took me back to the moment where I made a vow to NEVER TRUST HIM again.  Not in condemnation but lovingly led me to the moment where is desperation I made a vow NEVER to TRUST and allowed the enemy to have another foothold in my life.  HE took me back to that day, and met me face to face, and healed me, set me FREE and taught me how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE. 

In year 8 I joined the ministry that I have been serving HIM in for the past 4 years. A healing and deliverance ministry where HE has proven to me time after time, that HE wastes NOTHING.  That my pain, my suffering is known.  HE has shown me that the enemies lie of oppression wasn't just breathed into my soul, rather the enemy is a jerk and attacks the innocent, the vulnerable, HIS little children when we are at an age where we couldn't possibly be able to know HIS TRUTH for our lives. HE has taught me that even though I was once lost, I now know full well that I have been found.  

In this current chapter of my life, I am still suffering, as it's long suffering.  I am learning more and more the importance of surrendering to BE loved by HIM, so that I will become more like HIM. I am able to say with TRUE CONFIDENCE, that I TRUST HIM fully, as I've learned in the hardest of ways of how, and why I NEED HIM, as HE is indeed my LORD and SAVIOR, my GOOD SHEPHERD, my HEALER, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my CHAMPION, my ABBA, my SAVING GRACE, my ANCHOR that REMAINS, STEADFAST and SECURE, HE is my JESUS.  

Precious Dear Ones,

HE loves you, HIS plans for your life are deeply personal and are just.for.you.  No matter how far you have wandered off HIS eye is on you, HIS lost sheep.  You are HIS BELOVED son or daughter, even if you don't feel like you are, or you don't know you are.  If you have confessed that HE is JESUS CHRIST and ask HIM to be your LORD and SAVIOR, then you are HIS BELOVED and HE is waiting for you to open your heart to HIM.  You, yes, YOU are HIS masterpiece, HIS one-of-a-kind precious child, HE loves you.  HE hurts for you, hears your cries, and weeps with you and over you.  HE has deep well of compassion and empathy for you.  HE knows why you are struggling with the addiction or coping mechanism that you are.  HE knows, and HE wants to help you.  HE wants to set you FREE from the bondages and strongholds that have been made with the enemy.  HE has good, amazing plans for your life.  HE wants you to experience an encounter with HIM in a new and tangible way. HE loves you, because HE loves you, because you are HIS.  Will you open your heart to HIM today, even when it hurts, even if it's so unfair, even though you're so angry with HIM?  Will you give HIM a chance?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, compassion, and a deep well of empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

into the deep

Deep from within the heaven's, I hear HIM call unto the deepest part of me.  My ears much like Samuel's ear are attuned to HIS VOICE.  HE is the GOOD SHEPHERD, and I am HIS sheep.  HE knows me by name.  My name is etched into HIS hands.  HE knows what I've endured, and how deep my battle scars go.  HE has comforted me with HIS rod and staff, teaching, leading. and guiding me through the rugged terrain deep in the valley I have been in the valley of the shadow of death, and I have seen the darkness that seeks to destroy all that is good, all that is HOLY.  I've witnessed HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  I have been rescued and restored.  I have been led by HIS still waters, and HE has given me much needed rest.  All from deep within the heavens, unto the deepest part of me.

Because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULLNESS to me and for me, I know that I have and am still being equipped to go wherever HE leads me, even if it means into the deep.  This very thought would lead me to the moment where I found myself yesterday in a unbeknownst to me a Divine Encounter, orchestrated, and cultivated through a friendship, moments of sharing my own deep loss, and what living with deep pain has been like.  Even more so, sharing my experience of navigating through church hurt, and how the LORD delivered me from the painful bondages and strongholds that took root in my life.

The Divine moment began like every other encounter of fellowship after the church service with my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  A familiar face came into my view, and I stepped closer.  The hug I received was fierce, almost as if clinging to just keep hanging on.  The weariness in their eyes, and the words that fell from their lips told me all I needed to know.  They were tired, worn out, battle weary and so done with fighting.  They were desperate for a reprieve and just needed to know what to do.  They needed answers, not pacifying prayers.  They needed to feel SEEN, heard, known, and deeply loved.  They were desperate to hear to know that JESUS was still in it with them, that HE hadn't left then nor forsaken them.  The struggle to not be bitter, and their words, "JESUS help me to be better not bitter."  In short, they were suffering, they were in a season of LONG SUFFERING.  They were tired, worn out, and angry, and wanting to just destroy the enemy once and for all.

I stood there taking in their words, and prayed silently, "JESUS help!"  I didn't know whether to pray or just listen or speak truth.  As I didn't want to harm even further an already so deeply wounded heart.  I wanted to do what HE had called me to do, and I wanted to do it in HIS strength, and with HIS words, NOT my own.  As their tone became more desperate in pleas for help, I began to remind them of HIS loving reminder that we wear HIS armor - Ephesians 6:10-20.  That I myself remind myself of the power of HIS armor that has already been placed on me.  Reminding myself of HIS power, the same RESSURECTION power that raised JESUS from the dead, that power, lives within, dwells within me.  I reminded them that HE is with us always, and we need NOT rely on our own strength, rather cry out to HIM, TRUST HIM, surrender to the suffering, and HE will show us the way.  Even if that means how to just breathe through the next moment.  

At the end of our encounter, I received another fierce hug, and words of thankfulness and gratefulness for my taking time to listen and be with them.  I walked away though with an unsettled feeling, that I missed something, and in that moment, I realized I never prayed for them.  I went home, and replayed the encounter over and over, apologizing to the LORD for not praying for them, rather just speaking HIS TRUTH, did I even do the right thing?  Did I do what HE has called me to do?  

All night I tossed and turned, replaying that very encounter, over and over, if given another chance, LORD please HELP me to remember to PRAY above all else.  Having barely slept, I finally gave up at 4:30a.m. and made my way to our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  It was there I consumed my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, "Dear Heart, sometimes I'M going to call you into the deep to help me readjust the armor for the soul on the battlefield.  I have you on the front lines, not only as an intercessor for prayer, but also for an encourager, a leader, a warrior who takes the hits to get to the wounded, to help them gear up once again.  To help renew their mind, to bring them back to perspective that ALL is NOT lost, that I AM making a new way.  TRUST ME, sometimes you'll be called into the deep to replenish, however you MUST BE ALERT, as not every encounter will be the same so it is imperative that you remain ATTUNED to MY VOICE, seek ME earnestly, fervently, so that you will be able to discern when to speak and when to pray.  Dear Heart, you weren't mistaken, you did as I asked of you.":

I understand this and know full well that HE would be teaching me this, as part of my restoration journey has been leading me back to church, not just because I needed people, rather I am needed, to SEE the soul who is battle-weary from deep pain and deep loss. In other words, to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL.  This is HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that just as HE took the time to teach, lead, and guide me; to prepare me, so will HE ask of me to do what I have learned through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.  This I know and understand as the more I seek HIM, the more I find HIM, and in finding HIM, I am learning HIS VOICE, and I am being ATTUNED to HIS voice.

Today HE is letting me know that HE prepared me in advance for what I perceived as a "random encounter," rather HIS DIVINE appointment to lead me into the deep to help replenish one of HIS battle-weary soldiers.  HE reminded me that HE never wants me to view prayer as a means to an end, rather a opening to a view of the heavenly realms where HE is, to the source of life, that provides all we need to live.  This means for grace, comfort, peace, mercy, forgiveness, and strength ALL that only HE can provide.  To mourn with those who mourn, I first needed to understand what deep loss and deep pain require, what suffering looks like, feels like, and how to not only just survive it, but to overcome the battle weariness, and despair that piles on in the pain.  This I've learned in the hardest of ways, as I've had to learn how to surrender to the long suffering that I have endured since October 13, 2014.  A date forever etched into my soul, that even if I never saw another calendar, my body knows.  That nothing and NO ONE could provide the comfort, the healing like JESUS did, and continues to do.  This I know full well, and I've learned the life-giving healing and restoration that comes from DIVINE ENCOUNTERS where a broken heart experiences in a tangible way what it means for your identity to be ROOTED in CHRIST JESUS.  This means what it feels like to be SEEN, HEARD, KNOWN, and LOVED.

Overall, I've learned that through the deepest loss of my life, HE is, and will continue to create in me DEEP EMPATHY, to help reach the last, the least, the lost, and the forgotten.  I have witnessed HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to leave the 99 to rescue the 1, as I've been the 1.  I've been rescued, redeemed, renewed, restored, and I am continuing to be refined to be more CHRISTLIKE, to look, love, and live like JESUS, all because I've surrendered and answered HIM calling me into the deep. 

Precious Dear Ones,

It is my fervent prayer that you begin to SEE yourself in my writings, as HE is the AUTHOR.  That surely as HE has done for me, so will HE do for you, in a deeply personal way that is just.for.one.of.a.kind.HIS.masterpiece.you.  Truly if you don't already know you are so deeply loved, SEEN, heard, and known by HIM.  HE knows what makes you cry, what angers and frustrates you. HE understands and has a plan to help you through it, to help you overcome it, HE knows how hard it's been for you to be called into the deep.  HE knows how cheated and defeated you feel, and how battle-weary you feel.  HE knows how you've all but given up, deciding that it will never change, that you'll just suffer and survive until you die.  HE knows, and HE wants you to TRUST HIM.  HE has a plan to help you open up to HIM.  HIS love for you is gentle, patient, and kind.  HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE for you. HE is dong a new thing and HE is making a way where you see no way. HE knows your worries, doubts, and fears. HE knows how you cope and why.  HE knows where your addiction began, and HE knows the path to your freedom and healing.  HE wants to be your stronghold, so that you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that greater is HE WHO is in you, than he who is of the world.  May you open your heart to HIM today, may you let your tears fall, come undone, and surrender to HIS endless mercy, grace, and love.,

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

all my days

How did I get here?  Surrender... How did my faith grow?  Surrender.... How did I come to TRUST in the LORD with all my heart?  Surrender...  Currently there is a song on repeat that brings me to my knees and causes tears of gratitude to flow from my eyes.  "Center of it All" by Bethel - "And my whole life for YOUR GLORY my whole world for YOU only, everything for the HONOR of YOUR name, and if my days tell a story, let it be I'll be only everything for the HONOR of YOUR NAME - Oh how I love YOU, JESUS, I love YOU."

This describes all the days of my life since I first gave my life to CHRIST on June 22, 2003, on my 25th birthday.   ALL FOR HIS GLORY... I can't even say that without tearing up.  I can't share of HIS goodness and steadfast FAITHFULNESS to me and for me without tears falling.  TRULY HE has given me a life full of HOPE and a FUTURE.  I am in continuous awe of what HE is able to do with the ashes and embers of my life.  I am coming the realization that my healing hasn't just been for my benefit, rather it's ALL FOR HIS GLORY, and all my days tell HIS STORY.

Learning to Surrender to Suffering, well that's been a journey in of itself.  This is because it's not just suffering, and then you're healed, and you keep moving forward, no I'm talking about long term suffering.  This is because I am grieving the deepest loss of my life.  My precious 1 year old son, who I outlived, and as a Mama I am devastated by that reality.  Parents aren't supposed to bury their kids.  Caskets should never be so small.  Yet, we live in a broken and fallen and world where disease and death are prevalent, and in my world, well sometimes children just die.  With no warning, no chance to fight to save, and parents are just forced to accept that the once vibrant little light in their lives has been put out.  

Deep loss, grieving Seth has been overwhelmingly difficult to process and to surrender to.  As I'm used to struggle, pain, and even overcoming agony.  Yet this time, I couldn't just soldier on.  I couldn't just get it together, I couldn't pray enough, cry hard enough, no words helped, and I struggled to just make it through the day.

When I look back on the past almost 12 years, I SEE one constant thing... JESUS... HIS steadfast faithfulness to remain.  Even when I was so angry and falling apart.  Even the one time I made it to the altar and cursed HIM... HE loved me through it.  HE helped me process my anger.  HE carried me through it all.  So much in fact, that now whenever something from my past comes up all I have to do is ask, and HE will take me back and show me where HE was.... where HE'S ALWAYS been.... steadfastly faithful even before I knew HIM.  

All my days tell a story of how I was knitted together in my mother's womb by the creator of the universe.   I was chosen on purpose to have the facial features I do.  My skin type, the color of my eyes, to the number of hairs on my head.  HE planned, and created, and crafted.... the master sculpted HIS masterpiece.  HE knew that one day I would begin to tell the story of all my days, and HE smiled knowing that I would have a revelation that the purpose for my life has always been ALL FOR HIS GLORY.  

HE knew that I would open my heart to HIM, I would be saved and received my salvation through confessing that JESUS CHRIST is LORD.  HE knew the journey I would embark upon.  HE knew the questions I would have, and the obedience and discipline HE would instill within me to do what HE has planned for me. HE knew the moment where Surrender to Suffering another breakthrough for me in healing through deep loss would be.  HE knew when intercessory prayer would be birthed in my heart during stoplight tears.   HE knew the tenderness that HE would instill within me and wouldn't take away no matter how much I would beg, plead, or pray for.  HE knew when I would begin to SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING.   HE knew when I would learn WHO HE is, and when I would experience WHOSE I AM.  HE knew, ALL of it, and HE wrote the book, the story of ALL MY DAYS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows what you're going through.  HE knows how much it is hurting.  HE knows what suffering is doing to you.   HE knows and hears every single one of your cries for help.  HE is there, and HE loves you in a deeply personal way.  HE is waiting for you to open up to HIM.   HE already knows how angry and frustrated you are.  HE knows how much you loathe the plan and how much you have exhausted yourself trying to figure out everything that you are struggling with.  HE knows how long it has been, and HE is there.  HE knows the healing HE has for you, the comfort that only HE can provide, and HE knows the precise moment of when you'll surrender to HIM and allow HIM to comfort you.  HE knows HIS GOODNESS HE has planned for your life here in the land of the living.  HE knows the way, HE IS the WAYMAKER, HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE and are made deeply personal just.for.you.  You Dear One, Dear reader who is reading HIS words right now, are so deeply loved, SEEN, heard and known.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

comfort

 Since this past January HE has been doing a mighty restorative work within me.  Six months prior HE gave me much needed rest for my body to heal.  HE brought me to a place of FULL dependence on HIM in leading me to surrender to HIS love, and HIS way of living.  First, it was rest for my weary soul and reset to heal and restore the years the locusts have eaten and that have been stolen by the enemy of my soul. Joel 2:25

 In the first six months of the HOLY RESET, I found myself drawing nearer to HIM and feeling HIM pull me even closer still.  For the first time since Seth died, I was turning to HIM for comfort, and in receiving HIS comfort HE began to teach, lead, and guide me to understand why I was struggling with immense grief and my body was struggling with painful afflictions from the deep loss that I had endured.  Gently, ever so gently HE began to mend my broken heart in such a way that allowed me to rest and be loved.  Slowly over time HE provided me with the much-needed comfort that didn't harm me, as I was learning to let go of my ways of comforting myself.  

What I didn't realize then, but I SEE now is that I had used "stuff" to comfort myself.  From eating to numb the pain, fill the boredom, instead of eating for fuel.  I also used stuff to create a sense of "peace" in my life, but really it was counterfeit peace that didn't last for more than a day at most.  I stuffed for relief of the heaviness that I was carrying.  I stuffed to comfort myself, to create this illusion that everything was okay, when really my body was breaking down.  

I learned that it wasn't enough to destroy my mind, the enemy went after my physical health as well.  Affliction that led me to being nearly bedridden last summer.  In desperation I cried out to HIM.  I cried to the end of my soul and came completely undone.  Agony poured out of me once again, as the physical pain I was experiencing was becoming my undoing.

Little did I know that undoing, was really just HIM meeting me right where I was, preparing my heart, my mind, my soul to be comforted by HIM.  HIS LOVING HOLY PROMISE flowed over me, through my mind, and brought me to a place of complete peaceful rest.  "HE is close to the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:18 - if I am being honest, I hated that I still needed HIM, as I hated knowing that I was still so very much brokenhearted.   I wanted to be better... err.... healed.... well, whatever that means.  I didn't really have a clue.  All I knew was what I was feeling was NOT it, and I knew there had to be a better way.  So instead of surrendering all those years prior, I just tried to "stuff" myself and suck it up butter cup and just keep moving forward.  I tried with all my might to just be okay.  Afterall, I had already survived so much in my life already, why couldn't I just figure out how to just be okay with suffering.

Then this past July a new level of heart work began.  Suffering, and what that meant to me.  How much I struggled to relate to someone else's in my eyes "watered down" version of suffering.  I was angry, bitter, and jealous, and just completely worn out as in my eyes suffering involved life altering change, and the deepest sadness from broken heartedness that I have had to endure since 4pm October 13, 2014.  As it was that very moment where my suffering began, and when you continuously suffer in that way, well ready or not it changes you.

In knowing this, HE began to work in my heart HIS truth about pain and affliction.  HE knew suffering was so very hard for me.  HE knew how much I could recognize and give HIM the glory for ALL the comfort HE had provided for me.  HE knew that I was desperate for my pain to mean something, as I couldn't just constantly find myself in the arena of life with the announcer coming over the loudspeaker, as I'm in the center surrounded by witnesses to my pain and suffering.  As if though the voice over the loudspeaker would say, "oh and here's Heather, let's see what she's facing this time, will she survive it, or will this be the very thing that takes her out?  She's already survived a horrific childhood and survived all attacks and schemes that tried to end her life in her teens and twenty's.  In her thirty's however we were sure she would succumb to the death of her son, but here she is almost twelve years later and she's still standing.  Now keep a close eye on her, as it's back to school season, and her oldest son is a senior in high school, and this would have been the year Seth would be in eighth grade.  Watch her face, will she break in this trial, or will she continue to amaze us with her strength that truly can only come from the LORD?  It will be interesting to see how to she faces this next season of suffering."

This morning, HIS Daily TEACHINGS is reminding me of the comfort that I have received from HIM, and the shared purpose of suffering and comfort that is being used for HIS good.  This for me I am learning is how HE has created in me a heart full of empathy for those who suffer deep loss.  That it's not just parents losing their children, or children losing their siblings, or children losing their parents.  Rather it's all pain of deep loss.  This includes loss of pets, jobs, marriages, relationships., homes, and anything that brings irrevocable change.  As HE so lovingly taught me that ALL pain is universal and that there are only so many words in the human language that can be used to describe pain, so the way I share about my grief in the deep loss of my son, may just be the same as someone who lost their only companion in life who may be their cat or dog.  

Very early on in my grief HE captured my attention to NOT get lost in the anger of the words of well meaning, and even not so well-meaning people.  Rather lean hard on HIM, and TRUST and know that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted. It's taken a long time, but I am know SEEING that same comfort that HE gave me, is the way HIS HOLY SPIRIT leads me to pray for those who are mourning, as I recognize the tears in their eyes.  I know what it's like to fight back the tears.  I know what it's like to battle the lies of oppression in life and how grief always exacerbates the pain that you're already suffering with.  The empathy that HE has created in me, to use for HIS purpose to provide comfort for the brokenhearted, to teach HIS kids how to mourn with those who mourn. 

This is an almost daily occurrence for me now, as the texts of please pray for me, or this is really hurting me, or hey girl life is really kicking my butt.  It has been through the total transparency and authenticity that HE has called me to BE that HE has instilled in me a relatability to connect with the HIS kids, whether they know they are HIS or not.  Now whenever I receive a text, a message, or a call for prayer, I may not always know what to pray, however I do know WHO, and I know that HE will meet them right where they are if they are willing to let HIM into their pain.  

Truly it has been through my deepest pain, that HE has cultivated HIS greatest purpose in my life.  I have learned how to suffer well, to embrace suffering, as until I am called home I will be suffering in the missing of my son.  I will forever NEED HIM to help me, hold me, to comfort me in a way that ONLY HE can.  Truly my life is a living testament to HIS HOLY PROMISES.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God"

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows that has happened.  HE knows what you have endured.  HE knows what's been done unto you, and how you've responded or reacted to the circumstances in your life. HE knows when you walked away and when you stopped trusting HIM, and HE understands why.  HE has a plan to help you, to heal you, to restore you if you will TRUST HIM.   HE knows what it will take for you TRUST HIM, and HE has a plan for that too.  HE loves you, HE knows you, HE SEES you, and HE delights in you even at your worst, HE looks at you with so much love and compassion and say's that is MY child, MY beloved son, or daughter.  HE knows Dear Ones; HE will help you.  HE is with you, even if you feel alone, HE wants to prove to you HE has always been with you.  HE wants to heal you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.  Will you TRUST HIM, will you open your heart to HIM.  Will you allow the GOD of ALL COMFORT to COMFORT you?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with so much love, compassion, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

if

It's in the moments of hardship and trial where I get so battle-weary.  This is so very true for this very moment of my life right now.  A storm that has been brewing for over a decade has finally hit and the revelations that are coming out of it, have leveled me.  But not in the way I had anticipated when the storm first came on my radar just a few short weeks ago.  Honestly when I first got the discernment of a scheme perpetuated by the enemy, I seriously doubted how we could possibly survive another brutal attack.  

Thankfully because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me, HE allowed me a FULL day of tears, to cry out, to process with HIM, to verbalize my angst, anger, frustration, and devastation.  Soon thereafter though HE began to fill me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE by reminding me of the past 8 months of teaching, leading, and guiding me to know, to understand my NEED in having, and keeping a HOLY RESPONSE to the hardships in my life.  This means even if we find ourselves shipwrecked again.

In other words, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM reminding me of my resilient faith, the resoluteness of being able to TRUST HIM, and how HE has instilled in me a TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE truly is in every single detail.  That even when things happen that I didn't foresee on the horizon until it was almost right in front of me, HE knew, and because I know HE is indeed good, I can choose to TRUST HIM, to allow HIM to humble me, to call me to a posture of humility, to seek HIM, and to wait for HIS voice to lead me.

This I know full well... so if I know full well, it's up to me to be resolved enough to live as though I truly TRUST JESUS.  As in the song of "Let it be a Hallelujah" by Lauren Daigle "In every breaking moment, in every blessing that YOU give, let it be a Hallelujah, oh LORD let it be a Hallelujah.  All my hopes and all my fears every trial every tear.  In the chaos, YOU remain Faithful ALL the way.  Through the victories, through the scars.  Let me echo who YOU are. For the GLORY of YOUR NAME.  With every breath that's in me, with every song and melody, let it be a Hallelujah"

This is so true for my life, that it's doesn't matter how destructive the storm, HE has always been there, supply ALL of my needs.  Even when it was just for more breath to keep breathing through the heartbreak.  I have learned in the hardest of ways full dependence and surrender to JESUS because my heart was shattered when my son died.  My mind was blown by the tragedy and horror that I endured.  I know full well that I wouldn't have survived what I did...... had it not been for JESUS.

HIS goodness that has come out of the ashes of my pain has been the gift of intercessory prayer for those who mourn.  To pray for Yahweh to flood the atmosphere with HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to fall down fresh on us, to fill the space with HIS spirit, so that HIS goodness will be made known.  I cry out on behalf of the brokenhearted, in recognizing the brokenhearted within my view.   I am able to pray for healing and comfort because of HIS endless healing and comfort for me.

So, if I am able to pray, to seek, to ask HIM to shelter, to comfort, to heal, to hold, to help then I NEED to do so with absolute resoluteness that can only come from HIM.  Currently I am mostly able to do this, except for in the moments where the grief waves crash over me during milestones that assault my heart in missing my son.  It's when the memories of the deepest pain that I've ever known begin to ache and bleed.   That even though the scars have been tended to, bound up, cared for, and healed at the level of healing I am currently experiencing, grief has a way of taking me back to the deep abyss of overwhelming sadness, and before I know it, I find myself back to those moments, and my tears pour from my eyes.  

It's a tenderness that I have a deep love, hate relationship with. I love that I am able to have a tender heart for the brokenhearted, and for HIS eyes that HE has given me to SEE, to know how to pray for, and on their behalf.  Love as it's HIS continual reminder of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me, of which always brings me to tears.  So, while I love my connection to the tenderness, I also hate the tenderness, the vulnerability, the ache, the pain, the missing still levels me at times.   That even though I know even when my tears become my food once again, and I have a weepy day, I know HE'S with me, HE'S not disappointed in me.  HE will help me always, and HE will continue to pour HIS favor over my life, and if I know this, then I know I am being given a choice TRUST HIM to carry me through what hurts the most.,  

I am learning if is HIS loving reminder that I have been given the gift of free will.  That I don't have to choose to let HIM teach, lead, and guide me, but I choose to, because HE is my refuge, HE is my healer, HE is my Helper, HE is my Champion, HE is my LORD, HE is my SAVIOR, HE is my living HOPE, the anchor for my soul, HE is my JESUS.  So even when I can't hold my head up, and my tears pool as oceans at my feet, I know that not a single one of my tears will ever be wasted.  That I am constantly reminded, solidifying HIS TRUSTWORTHINESS that HE is always making a way.

This I know is HIS purpose for my life, not to just merely survive, rather to edify HIS goodness, HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULLNESS, HIS TRUSTWORTHINESS that HE is Always for me, NEVER against me.  I speak from TRUE CONFIDENCE within, as I've witnessed HIS FAITHFULNESS, I've tasted and SEEN HIS goodness here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

Do you know HIM, have you met JESUS in your life?  Have you SEEN HIM at work in your life?  Have you been rescued?  Have you been healed?  Do you know that you are so deeply loved, SEEN, heard and known by HIM?  Do you know HE has always loved you with an everlasting love.  Do you know that HE considers you to be HIS masterpiece, HIS ONE OF A KIND, the apple of HIS eye?  Do you know that HE is for you, and NEVER against you?  Do you know JESUS like this?  Do you know that of which you have endured, HE knows and HE has a plan to heal you, to help you, to set you FREE from the wounds of what you've endured.  Do you know that HE wants to heal you everywhere you hurt?  Do you know that HE hasn't forgotten you, and hasn't given up on you?  Do you know that to HIM you are NOT a hopeless case, that HIS grace is for you, and is sufficient to carry you through whatever you're going through or have been through?  Do you know that HE died for you, to pay the price for your sins so that you would be reunited with HIS FATHER, your HEAVENLY FATHER?  Do you know JESUS?  Have you ever had an encounter with HIM?  Have you ever been touched by HIS amazing grace?  Do you know JESUS is there to heal you to set you free from the lies of oppression that were breathed into your soul from the time you can even first remember.  Do you know that same lie is the one the enemy schemes to cultivate in your life, in every single relationship you have, to be the broken record of your life?  Do you know that what you're going through just merely surviving was NEVER the plan?  Do you know that HE created you, HE knit you together in your mother's womb?  Do you know that HE smiled as HE watched you grow, and HE couldn't wait for you to be born?  Do you know that HE knew exactly the moment you would read this letter HE is having me write that is just for you?  Do you know that HIS love is deeply personal and is just.for.you?  Do you know JESUS, do you know that HE loves you without conditions?  Do you know JESUS is with you in this moment as the tears stream down your face.  HE is there, HE is waiting, will you trust HIM, will you open your heart to get to know HIM, as intimately as HE already knows you.  Do you want to experience HIS love that say's that is MY SON- DAUGHTER with WHOM I am well pleased?  Precious Dear Ones, these are HIS words for you, not mine.  I only write ALL FOR HIS GLORY

You are so loved,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather