In the land of the living

 I am convinced that the enemy did everything he could do to keep me from finding the life that I have been uncovering for the past 4 years.  A life that has led me to living face to face with JESUS.  Where I am being filled with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE, where my life verse has become HIS ABSOLUTE TRUTH, and PURPOSE for my life.  

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"

Philippians 1:6

TRUE CONFIDENCE that has been solidified in my life because of HIS HOLY PROMISE HE embedded into my heart, to hold onto, to cling to when the TSUNAMI of grief obliterated life as I once knew it.  For years I clung to HIS HOLY PROMISE so that I would just keep hanging on.  So that I would get out of bed and take care of myself.  It was HIS HOLY PROMISE that taught me how to be kind to myself, and allow myself space and time to grieve, to cry, and to mourn.  Over time HIS HOLY PROMISE taught me that it was okay to seek RESTORATION of JOY, and that it was okay to want to "more than survive" my life.  That HIS purpose for my life was for me to enjoy my life, and even more than that, to learn how to embrace life as it was, not looking back wishing things were different.  It's where HE so lovingly led to me to know, to understand, to experience HIS GOODNESS in the land of the living.  

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"

Psalm 27:13

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is teaching, leading, and guiding me to edify HIS GOOD NEWS for every soul whom I encounter, that HE places on my heart to share HIS GOOD NEWS.  HIS TRUTH that when JESUS came on the scene, when HE stepped into my life, entered my heart, HE changed EVERYTHING.  Subtle changes that I didn't even realize until recently.  Change that revealed to me what my JESUS story was, and how to edify, share, write, and speak in a way that gives HIM ALL THE GLORY.  To share in a way that brings HIS HOPE, and promise of HEALING to the last, the least, and forgotten.  To share HIS GOOD NEWS of Eternal Salvation, that whomsoever chooses to believe in HIM, will not perish, but be given eternal life, through the shedding of blood through JESUS CHRIST our LORD and SAVIOR.  That HIS GOOD NEWS promises not only restoration, but redemption.  HIS GOOD NEWS that not only saved my life once, but over and over again, as at every turn the enemy has tried to take me out.

Through every test, trial, and storm HE remained.  No matter the pain, heartache, or anguish, HE remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, for me.  Pouring out HIS PEACE for me to breathe in, pulling me even closer still as I draw nearer to HIM.  Allowing HIM to hold me, heal me, help me, and strengthen me.  I've learned, and with every step I take with JESUS my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is deepened.  I am being made resilient through ALL that I have endured.  TRULY HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE and INFALLIABLE for my life.

HE knew how hard I would fight to survive, and HE knew HIS plans that would be revealed to me when I was ready.  When I was ready to be in the land of the living.  HE knew what it would take, and how many tears that would be shed in the struggle, and in the waiting.  HE knew, how frustrated I would become, how many times I would beg, plead, pray and cry to the end of my soul.   HE knew, and HE didn't turn away from me.  HE didn't just die on the cross for me.  HE didn't just shed HIS blood for me; HE did that and so much more.  Every single day that I am awakened to HIS GIFT of a new day, I'm being given a choice to be a part of what HE is doing, here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

HIS GOOD NEWS is TRULY the BEST NEWS!!!  HE is for you and NEVER against you.  Should you choose to surrender to HIS will for your life, to repent of your sins, and seek HIM to teach, lead, and guide you through your breakthrough, your healing, so that you too will be in the land of the living.  May you know that sometimes the ending of the life you once knew is really the beginning of your healing that is needed to embrace the life that is waiting for you in the land of the living.  HE knows how much it hurts you to not be living the life you once knew.  To have to embrace irrevocable change.  HE knows how brokenhearted you are, and how much you fight to get out of bed, even just to merely survive life.  HE knows how much you hate, loathe, the plan.  How much you miss the person whom you are grieving deeply.  Even if it's not a death, but the end of a marriage, a relationship, a job, or even your career. HE knows how hard it's been to accept that the revealing of the people who weren't actually for you, whom you trusted to be in your corner.   HE knows how hard it's been to forgive them, to move forward in your life not bringing that bitterness, anger, or angst with you.  HE knows why you have forgiven, but forgetting has kept you bound to the act of betrayal.  HE knows the walls you've put up for self-protection, how you feel let down, and forgotten.  HE knows how much the lie of abandonment has replayed through every single season of your life.  HE knows you've reached your limit of being abused, used, manipulated and controlled.  HE knows how much you battle between anger and righteous anger, and HE wants to help you, to FREE you so that you will be able to enjoy your life here in the land of the living.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time, saying, "JESUS please help me, I don't SEE a way, but I TRUST YOU know the way.  Please HELP me to SEE YOUR GOODNESS here in the land of the living.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Holy in the storm

 One of my favorite artists from a very young age has always been Michael W. Smith.  I still remember hearing "I will be here for you" for the very first time.  I remember loving the line "I'll shine a light for you" singing it over and over.   For days I would sit and wait with my tape in the recorder of my stereo to record my new favorite song.  When I was finally able to record it, I played it on repeat.  To this day not much has changed for me, I still play songs on repeat and sing them over and over.

Yesterday was another day where HE met me and took me back to the first time, I heard another one of my favorite artists songs, this time was "Draw me Close."  The line, "You're all I want, you're all I ever needed, you're all I want, I know you are near" took me back to the night in the spotlight of the auditorium at ISU in Bloomington IL.  I was attending my very first Hearts at Home conference.  I had gone to the conference alone, not knowing anyone but an online community of support that I was connected to by the conference itself when I registered.  I still remember the day D came home telling me about the conference and how he thought I would really enjoy having sometime away to be built up. 

The memories of that time in my life, played out in my mind, and in that moment while standing next to D during worship yesterday, I felt HIM speak to me, "Dear Heart, do you remember the spotlight?  That was ME, I was with you then, I'M with you now.  I'VE always been with you...... ALL the days of your life.  I know this storm, the valley that you're trying so hard to be brave to enter, I know, and I have a plan, but it's going to require you to remain, Holy in the Storm."

Holiness has been something HE has so lovingly taken the time to teach, lead, and guide me through the gift of HIS DAILY BREAD.  It has been through our time together, meeting in the HOLY QUIET PLACE where HE has met me in the struggle to release my feelings and TRUST HIM that HIS TRUTH is much better for my life.  That HIS word is truly better than life.  I am learning that HE is taking so much time to prepare me, because in the past, I've always let myself be feelings led, and in turn I've struggled immensely with self-destruction tendencies, to try and soothe myself, console myself, and in turn doing my absolute best to try and combat any more suffering.  

Suffering is something I have had to learn to surrender to.  To learn HIS TRUTH that in this life I will have troubles. John 16:33 Well, I don't know about you, but TROUBLE always seems to find me.  Find my family and wreck us even further.  Currently trouble that began over 2 decades ago is beginning to fester once again, only this time we're getting to HIS TRUTH of it, but digging out the root of lies that we're embedded deeply rooted in our lives.  Lies that caused chaos, division, confusion, and allowed people pleasing, despair, and defeat to take over.

Well because of HIS gift of community for me to experience, through the ministry where I serve with my church family of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I am learning how to call out, renounce the lies of oppression, and replace the lies with HIS INFALLIABLE TRUTH.  Yet, even in knowing how to fight to get free, to BE free, to stay free, I'm learning there's even more to it.  That is to remain Holy in the Storm.  This means NOT to be like the world is.  To NOT respond or react in unrighteous ways.  To NOT, gossip, slander, or tear down with my words, rather I am learning over and over again, because HE is giving me chance after chance after chance to do the next right thing in choosing a HOLY RESPONSE.  That I am called to choose, to chase HOLINESS to bear HIS fruit of the SPIRIT, good fruit, that speaks life, and if my words are not that, if my feelings are less than, it's not that I'm bad for thinking things, I just need to release them to HIM.  I need NOT to make known my displeasure, my distrust, my anger, even if it's righteous.  Honestly, I'm learning that I am NOT called to speak all that much, rather I am soaking in HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to pray, to TRUST HIM with all that hurts, and burdens me.  To truly cast all my cares on HIM and wait for HIM, as HIS HOLY PROMISE for me is that HE will fight for me, I need only to BE still. 1 Peter 5:7, Exodus 14:14

In knowing this and continuously being given the chance to do the next right thing, I find myself being able to deny my flesh sooner than before.  Not that it's easier, I just have learned that HIS ways are so much better than mine. So... I know if HE is taking the time to teach, lead, and guide me how to remain Holy in the Storm, I know it's for my benefit, and I TRUST and know it is indeed HIS best for my life. Even when I don't understand, like it, or agree with it.  As it never fails that eventually my spiritual eyes will be opened, and I will then SEE.  Which each time I experience healing and freedom as I am being given eyes to SEE, I am grateful and I'm in complete awe of HIS goodness.  Whenever HE leads me to HIS word, and I SEE my life in-between the scriptures, I am blown away, I am filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE truly is in the details.  That HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  Psalm 34:18

A Holy Reset that prepared me for a Holy Response, which led to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS of what being Holy in the Storm looks like.  Truly HE has remained steadfastly faithful to teach, lead, and guide me through HIS word to become HIS disciple.  So that I would be HIS ambassador, HIS living vessel, to look, love, and live like JESUS to become CHRISTLIKE.  To let go of the world's view of just being a "good person," rather to pursue HOLINESS, and to know and understand, over and over again in every single moment of my life what that entails, and what it takes.  For HIM to meet with me, to strengthen me, comfort me, and renew my mind has led me to the most intense yet gentle heart transformation.  For this very reason I will write: ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows the storm you're going through, the valley you're in, or the mountaintop you're on.  HE knows what has transpired, what you've endured, and knows exactly how you're feeling about your current situation.  HE knows when you're mad at HIM, and when you're struggling to TRUST HIM.  HE knows why and when the struggle began.  HE isn't mad, or disappointed in you, HE loves you and wants to help you.  HE wants you to know, to experience, to live HIS goodness, HIS HOLY PROMISES that are just for you.  HE wants to lead you to HIS word, to teach, lead, and guide you. HE is waiting, for you to open your heart to HIM.  HE knows every hurt, every scar, and has caught and kept every single of your tears.  HE has kept them as they are sacred to HIM.  HE has good plans for your life, plans to prosper and NOT to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and FUTURE.  There is absolutely NOTHING that can STOP HIM, HE is the LIGHT of the world, HE is the WAYMAKER, PROMISEKEEPER.  HE is your ABBA, your CHAMPION, your DEFENDER, your HEALER, HE is the ALMIGHTY GOD, and your name is etched in HIS hands.  HE knows you, HE SEES you, and HE loves you deeply.  May today be the day you open your bible, or bible app and read Psalm 139 as personal to you.  HE is waiting.... will you TRUST HIM?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

It just takes time

 I remember attending a women's prayer retreat through my church just mere months after having lost Seth.  I remember the theme of the retreat was "Because HE bends down to listen." Psalm 116:1-2 During the retreat I was introduced to a lot of women who didn't know me, and I was made known for the devastating loss of my almost 2-year-old son.  With each introduction the look of shock and horror overcoming the woman who was thinking she was meeting a seemingly young girl.  Unbeknownst to her, I was a 36-year-old married, then Mama to five precious children.  I was so completely devastated and shattered by my family's deep loss, and was so irrevocably changed, and was just barely hanging on.

On day two of the retreat, I had reached my limit of meeting people and couldn't contain the tears any longer.  I remember laying my head on the table where I was seated.  Laying my head on my bible as the tears poured from my eyes.  I had been brave enough to open up about how D and I were grieving so differently and how I felt like we were a million miles apart.  To which the response was I wasn't being honoring to my marriage, as I was speaking ill of my husband.  I came completely undone and cried right there to the end of my soul.  

I remember thinking, wondering, questioning how things would ever be good again.  A few short months later the next scheme and attack would strike my already so shattered heart, that would drive me to isolate and shut out the world.  The pain was unbearable, and the expectation to just "give it to GOD, pray about it, and just hold onto HOPE was dwindling. I found myself just wondering how in the world I could possibly survive such immense heartbreak, how would I ever smile again, without the pain just beneath the surface quaking, and pouring out of me.

Over time I learned, how to hide my pain through the strong smile that I faked.  People didn't know, and I didn't them want to, but then again, I did.... but then that meant they'd have to lose too, and well pick someone else, but please don't.  For years I wrestled with how much nobody understood, all the while waiting, crying, praying, falling apart everywhere I went, until finally I learned how to breathe through the pain.

This morning was a reminder of the still tenderness that is just beneath the surface.  While driving to a freedom session for a client in the ministry I serve in, the rain was flooding the roads, and I was praying for safety for each of our team members as well as our client.  I was praying for strength to just BE HIS living vessel today.  On the horizon I could see the part of the road where the cemetery is where Seth's earthly body is buried.  Just as I was passing the very place where a part of me died on that day, I had to walk away leaving my little boy's earthly body.... I took a deep breath and in the next moment a firetruck drove past me.  My eyes instantly welled up with tears, as I the memories of that day where our view of the Firetruck leading the funeral procession of our sweet Seth Daniel, our almost 2-year-old son, our Teffie, the Kid, the Creep, the Kid a Kid, so many names, such a BIG life for such a little man, Dayee's little dude, our one-of-a-kind observer.  He was and is one of the brightest lights in our lives, just knowing him changed each of us, and left each of us grieving such a deep loss... remembering that day of having to say goodbye to my sweet baby love, clinging to the memory of him in my arms just hours before he went to be with JESUS.... tears began to pour from my eyes.  A few deep breaths later, and prayers for peace to flood me, my tears lessened.  

Soon the building where the session was to be came within view.  I parked my car and I got out to run in the rain.  Making it into the building, I thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me, for me.  Taking the elevator up to a higher floor I felt HIS loving reminder, of "nobody knows Dear Heart, like I DO.  I know the oceans you have cried.  I knew how long it would take for your broken heart to be mended.  I knew when memories would make you smile and not just burst into tears.  I knew when your healing would be felt, and even more SEEN, by you, and all those whom you encounter. I knew how hard it would be for you to let go, to understand that MY ways are higher than yours.  I knew how angry you were with ME, and I knew the moment when you would SEE that I REVIVED you.  I knew precious DEAR HEART, and I knew that you would write this very post about healing through grieving deep loss....and well DEAR HEART I knew in all those times you were crying out to me to just take away the pain.... I knew.... it just takes time."

As I type, I'm listening to a song on repeat called "Nobody knows" and how the lyrics "nobody knows how many times I almost gave up hope, nobody knows how much strength it takes to carry on, nobody knows how many versions of myself I had to lose to make it here, everybody says I'm strong, maybe they're right, maybe they're not, but everybody sees me standing here, everybody thinks I've got this, everybody sees me smile, nobody knows."  I could have written this song.  Today I went back into the some of the hardest moments of grief that irrevocably changed me.  How I was certain that change would be the end of me.  How HE remained so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, and how I can now look back, and SEE how sometimes it just takes time for healing, for being able to smile through tears, to learn to breathe again, walk again, and to want to live again.  

Precious Dear Ones, 

The TRUE CONFIDENCE I have is that I can tell you HE is indeed in the details.  HE knows how hard you've fought to just get out of bed, to just keep going.  HE knows how leveled your faith has been.  HE knows how much doubt creeps in and how you fight with HIS TRUTH to combat the lies of doubt.  HE knows the shame and guilt that builds up and makes you feel so unseen, unheard, unknown, and unloved HE knows and HE loves you.  HE knows how tired you are to be losing the battles that have been so unfair to you.  HE knows how hard you try to do the next right thing.  HE knows how much you are hiding to just look okay.  HE knows how close you have come to letting go, to disappearing with the pain of your broken heart.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for all of it.  HIS plans, oh Dear Ones, are so very deeply personal just.for.you.  HE knows, HE is waiting for you to let HIM, to cling to HIS promises, to feel HIS loving presence encompass you.  HE hears every single one of your cries for help, and HE'S waiting for you to let HIM in.  HE is there, HE knows, and HE promises to help you, to heal you, to give you a Heavenly vision of HIS goodness full of HOPE and a FUTURE.  HE is there, in the waiting.  May you SEE HIS mighty sovereign hand at work in your life, may you rest in HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that healing, new beginnings are coming.  That HE is making a way, through the wasteland, with rivers of HIS living water flowing to you, for you to flow through you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Eventually

There is so much that I don't understand, and I can't SEE the way through.  I can't figure out how it will be okay... eventually.  Because that's just it, isn't it?  Eventually all will be okay, as HE promises to work everything out for HIS good.  This is HIS HOLY PROMISE... but the waiting... in the waiting is where despair attacks... it's where worry, and doubt creep in.  It's where prayer is essential, and imperative in order to not succumb to the devastation.  

Before losing Seth, and waking up in a life after deep loss, I was oblivious of just how much someone who follows JESUS could actually suffer.  Honestly, I "thought" since I was a CHRIST FOLLOWER, I was someway, somehow covered to not have to suffer as I did before I became a CHRIST FOLLOWER.  As if following JESUS made me exempt to this type of suffering.  The deep loss, earth shattering, life altering type of suffering.  It's because I always knew life would be hard for me, that I would always struggle, and that I would face challenges.  What I didn't know, and didn't realize until 4pm on October 13, 2014, was that life has a way of handing your butt to you, leveling you, and taking your breath away.  That life could be so very brutal and cruel.

Suffering is a very sensitive topic for me, mostly because suffering, being forced to live a life without my son, has been the hardest thing I've ever been forced to do.  Even worse than all the abuse, manipulation, and control that I endured as a young girl. I've learned that I need to be very careful as to not write words that will be flagged, as somehow sharing the truth of what happened to me is far too triggering for some. 

For so long I struggled what I was supposed to do with my story of my life.  That is until HE began to teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand that my story is for few people, but my JESUS story is for everyone.  For years I battled through even greater suffering the most unimaginable loss and through expectations people placed on me, that I took on as my responsibility crushed me and pushed me even further to isolate, shutting out everyone, and making the agreement to not only think, but to speak the very lie of "I hate everyone and everything."  This is because I was in the worst pain I had ever known.  I was praying, begging, and pleading for JESUS to please come back.  I knew HE wouldn't wake me up from the living nightmare, so the only thing I could think to ask for was for us ALL to be called HOME, as the very thought of leaving my children here on earth crushed me.

Still, I was desperate for healing, for relief, for a reprieve.  I struggled to be grateful for other families whose lives were still intact, people whom we were doing life with before child loss took over our life.  Before irrevocable change stole our joy and shattered our whole world.  Before tears became our food, and smiling was still so easy.  Before laughter didn't feel like betrayal.  Before going to church, being around the very people who were in the crisis with us hurt beyond what I could bear.   I was overwhelmed by sorrow; my grief was all consuming.  I was screaming on the inside and falling apart everywhere I went.

I still remember the years where I sat in the silence, numb to the once gaping now bound up hole in my heart, of which angered me that it was being bound up, as it felt like betrayal, as how absurd that I would possibly heal and move forward without my son.   My mind was numb from the amount of processing I went through in remembering that day, having to wake each day reminding myself that Seth really was here, until he wasn't.  That he really did die, and he really was in heaven with JESUS.  Everyday falling apart in the acceptance, and falling to sleep with tears streaming, until exhaustion took over.   I still remembering wondering when.... when would I be okay again.... when would I be able to breathe again?

Eventually after many oceans of my tears were collected, as HE knew, just how many oceans I would cry.  HE knew just how much time I needed to grieve, to process what losing Seth did to me.  What losing him did to my mind, and how long I would need to begin to have compassion for myself, instead of anger that I wasn't further in the healing process.  HE knew how long I would question and wonder how in the world was I supposed to share my story, as it seemed too much, yet oddly not enough.  As if I weren't far enough into healing, my tears poured out of my eyes, and HE would meet me with HIS amazing grace, to hold me, help me, and what I didn't realize then was just how much HE was healing me.

HE was my defender, my protector, my shield, my refuge, my strong tower, ALL of it, through ALL of it HIS grace was sufficient enough for me.  Eventually my spiritual eyes were opened, and I began to SEE just how far HE brought me from that moment of 4pm on that dreary... worst day of my life in a seemingly ordinary fall day in October.   HE was my living HOPE, the anchor that I clung to.  HE was, and is my safe space, the ONE whose arms I lean back into HE was, is the ONE WHO wanted my heart, WHO held it in its fragility.  Held me together as I fell apart over and over.  HE'S the ONE who gave me the strength to learn how to walk again.  HE was and is always my peace.  HE was, is the ONE WHO steadfastly, faithfully remained with me, even when I was too tired and wanted to give up. HE held onto me, even when I was losing my grip to keep holding on.  HE knew I needed HIM to carry me through the sorrow, and HE NEVER left my side.

HE knew eventually I would be able to look back on my journey in this life after deep loss through child loss and SEE HIS steady hand holding me every single step of the way.  HE knew eventually I would seek HIM once again to write the story that HE is the AUTHOR of.  HE knew I would be eager once again, that I would thirst for HIM, for HIS word.  HE knew, and HE remained.  My HOPE, My PEACE, My SAVIOR, My JESUS. 

Precious Dear Ones, 

HE knows how tired you are.  HE hears every single one of your cries for help, HE knows what enduring this storm in your life is doing to you.  HE knows how weak and tired you feel.  HE knows what you need and is waiting for you to tell HIM you need HIM.  That you will TRUST HIM to help you, to show you the way.  HE knows how badly your heart is aching in the deep loss that you are living with.  HE knows the strength you are needing.  HE knows how your faith is dwindling.  HE is there, and HE has amazing plans to restore your joy.  To restore the years that the locusts have eaten.  HE knows you don't SEE yet, but you will, keep holding onto HIM and HE promises that HE will keep holding onto you.   HE has you, HE is making a way and doing a new thing in your life.  You are so deeply loved by your ABBA, the ALMIGHTY GOD, you are HIS CHOSEN, HE has called you, set you apart for HIS purpose.  HE knows how much you're trying to figure everything out, for everything to make sense.  HE is with you; HE will help you.  Will you let HIM in?  Will you let HIM heal your broken heart?  Will you let HIM prove HIS FAITHFULNESS, and TRUSTWORTHINESS to you, for you?  Will you be willing to wait for your moment of eventually?  Jermiah 29:11

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

As always, with deep compassion, empathy, kindness, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Worship

In the silence, in the fear, in joy and elation, in the darkest hours of my life I have cried out to HIM in worship.  As tears poured from my eyes and pooled as oceans at my feet, when I couldn't SEE a way through, I kept playing worship music on repeat.  Sometimes, I would play the same song 100 times in a row, over and over until I could lift my head up, until I cried all the tears I had stored up for that moment.  Until the peace that surpassed all my understanding flooded my every hurt, every ache, and soothed every pain that overwhelmed me, I continued to worship until I was fully at peace to where I was able to breathe.

I learned how to do this when Seth died, and the pain and agony of losing him caused me to cry to the end of my soul, where it felt as if though I were being ripped in half.   I remember the first moments of agony where I was certain I was going to die from the unimaginable pain.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything but cry out in agony.  Until I was all cried out for the moment, and a much-needed reprieve flooded me, to hold me, help me in the moment as we drove home.  

In the quiet of the drive home, my soul cried out, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT I began to worship.  CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE... my heart was obliterated, and HIS HOLY SPIRIT interceded on my behalf.  During that first night HE taught me how to cry out to HIM.  Asking for HIM to flood us with HIS PEACE, and to please drench us each in HIS GRACE.  Worship became a part of my grief.  Words that I couldn't speak, pain I didn't know what to do with.  HE led me to songs to listen to, to lift my hands to the heavens, to lay my head on my bible, to cry to the end of my soul, in waiting for HIM to quiet my soul.  

I knew I was being held, I knew HE would heal me, it wasn't ever a matter of if HE would heal me, it was when.  For years HE led me to new songs that spoke to my broken heart.  Year after year, even in the time where I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible, couldn't even hold my head up, HE led me, to worship.  HE reminded me of HIS HOLY PROMISES for me, the very promises HE taught me to cling to.  HE knew when I was losing my grip, holding on by my fingertips, fading away in the deafening silence of Seth's profound absence.  The PTSD triggers that wrecked me over and over.  The stop light tears, always triggered through worship, the same songs that allowed me to cry, brought me to a new purpose in my pain and that was to pray for other broken-hearted Mamas who they too were sitting at stop lights crying to the end of their souls.  

It would be years later that I would begin to encounter some of the very souls whom I had been praying for.  It was through worship through stop light tears, where I learned HIS TRUTH, that pain is universal.  That deep loss would affect every single person my eyes would see.  That it's not matter of if, but a matter of when.  Deep loss has brought me to an even deeper understanding and compassion for those who mourn.  Worship taught me how to SEE people, and how to pray for them, how told hold their pain, without letting it trigger mine.  Worship would lead me to a place where my TRUST for HIM challenged me even further, to let go of the grip I had, the ownership I felt I had to grieve, to TRUST HIM enough to let go, and let HIM heal me. 

Four years ago, a song of worship about a breakthrough was on repeat in my daily life.  Over and over, I would play that song, I would pray the lyrics, sometimes I'd lift my hands and sing, other times I would lay on my bed, and cry to the end of my soul.  This was because as much as I wanted and needed healing, I was terrified to let go of the lie that it was my responsibility to grieve my son to my own death.  It was in that time of my life where I truly learned to step out into the waves to carry me through to someplace new.  To a life beyond PTSD, beyond sorrow, beyond deep loss, and that very thought terrified me as the guilt and shame that I carried overwhelmed me, as if healing would mean forgetting and moving on, and how could I possibly do that when I missed my son so desperately.

Worship restored my JOY for living, renewed my mind, and transformed my heart.  Three years into my healing breakthrough, HE taught me how to worship in the unknown, to dare to dream, to believe, to pray audacious prayers, and believe HE could do abundantly more than I could ever ask or dream of.  So much that being thirteen months out from that moment, I can say that through worship HE revived me.  Gave me a new life, a HOLY RESET, and took me through the most intense, yet lovingly gentle restorative work.  HE taught me the importance of consuming HIS DAILY BREAD through worship.  HE taught me that HE knows how much I NEED HIM to quiet my mind, therefore HE places songs on my heart, that remind me to lift my hands to the heavens, to lean back into HIS arms, and to know that HE is working ALL things out for HIS good.  

Currently I am praying through a storm where I can't SEE a way through, so I'm choosing to worship through it.  I'm choosing to TRUST HIM, to pray ceaselessly to HIM.  Knowing full well that HE is greater than the vast number of enemies in this storm in my life.  HE is once again reminding me through worship that HE is my peace, my strength, and that HE will fill me with HIS truth through discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to teach, lead, and guide me how to pray.  Worship was first introduced in my life in 2002 and saved me in 2003.  Through every single battle, every single storm of my life, HE has filled me with HIS promises, singing over me, reminding me that HE is indeed my CHAMPION, my ABBA, my PEACE, my REFUGE, my SHIELD, my PROTECTOR, my DEFENDER, as I know full well that I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, and HIS name is JESUS.  Hebrews 6:19.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows how broken-hearted you are.  HE knows how alone you feel.  HE knows you believe that HE has forgotten you.  HE knows what you've been carrying, and how you've been holding everything together.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE weeps for you, and over you in your sorrow, in your pain, in the agony, in the deep loss, in the anger, in the lies that have destroyed your heart.  That have violated your trust.  HE knows how you've lost the strength to fight, how you've tried for years to keep holding on, and you've reached your breaking point.  HE knows how you feel like HE doesn't hear your cries, HE is with you, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is that HE has caught and kept every single one of your tears because they are so very sacred to HIM.  Every single time you lift your hands, or lean back in HIS arms, whenever you're in your car and a song plays, and it speaks to your heart, and causes you to cry out, or silently swallow your tears, even in the words you don't say, HIS HOLY SPIRIT is there to intercede on your behalf.  When you worship with tears streaming down your face, HE is with you and ALL of Heaven is listening.  Dear Ones, HE is there, HE loves you, HE is waiting for you to invite HIM in to help you, to carry you through what you are going through.  HE will meet you right where you are, and teach, lead, and guide you through worship, HIS HOLY PROMISE is that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Idols

I never really considered myself to have idols in my life, well that is until this past year and HE began the heart work of FREEING me from the sin of gluttony which for me was a large consumption addiction.  This included food, and all stuff, so much that I was so stuffed from food, beverages, binging on tv, music, and everything but all things HOLY.  This revelation broke my brain, as I always marked myself safe from being starstruck by celebrity's or any other famous or well-known person.  I thought I was safe because I wasn't obsessed, well in my personal opinion anyways.

Then HE began to open my eyes to SEE the sin of gluttony, and well once I began to SEE... ALL of the idols were made known in my life.  Currently I am going through the heart work of tearing down the idol of unwholesome talk. Ephesians 4:29 This has been very challenging for me, as whenever I become irritated, upset, or I find myself in social situations where there is cursing and unwholesome talk, it's like I lose my brain.  When driving in traffic, or even worse when I'm a passenger and I begin to use unwholesome talk with the person who is driving. Whenever gossip is happening, I don't recognize it the way I should, and I always find myself participating until HE convicts me, and I have to apologize4 to HIM, and repent, and begin again.

Unwholesome talk has been an idol in my life since I was very young.  That while I may not have cursed in the beginning, I'm learning unwholesome talk is any and all talk that's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, Romans 12:1 In the most recent conviction, the HIS HOLY SPIRIT challenged me in saying, "Heather if you don't pray with curse words, or unwholesome talk, then why do you speak in curse words and unwholesome talk?"  YIKES!!! 

My hearts cry today is LORD JESUS, if it doesn't exalt you, then I don't want to want it.  This after a night out with my oldest at a Hilary Duff concert.  The concert itself was so good, and we had a great time.  It was all the idol worship that my spiritual eyes were opened to before, during, and after the concert.  Even more than that, HE let me know that if I am ever given a space, a place in time to witness to a crowd of people, HE wants me to do it ALL for HIS GLORY, NOT my accolades.  Wow!!  It truly brings new meaning to "gain the whole world but lose your soul.", Matthew 16:26 

Never have I truly understood what JESUS meant when HE said that, until HE opened my eyes to SEE what the world SEES as a "good person," as someone who is inspiring, who is living a great life.  That what good is it to have so many follower's, fans etc., if all of it's for self-exaltation, promotes pride, and is all about me.me.me.  What good is it to be a role model if it's not for HOLINESS, as whether people want to admit it or not, ONE DAY, EVERY knee shall bow, and EVERY tongue shall confess that JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, Isaish 45:23, Romans 14:11, Philippians 2:10-11.  At the end of this life we will ALL be held accountable and have to answer for what did we do with the life HE gave you? Romans 14:12, Matthew 12:36, Ecclesiastes 12:14, Hebrews 4:13, 1 Peter 4:5, 2 Corinthians 5:10, Matthew 16:27, Revelation 20:12, Romans 14:10, Luke 12:2

For me, I know HE isn't going to be interested in how often I went to church, or lukewarmly shared HIS goodness, no I'm going to be judged on whether or not I chose to speak with boldness just as Paul said in Ephesians 6.  I am going to be judged on whether or not I lived with HOPE, TRUSTING JESUS even if...even when.... even though.   I'm going to be judged by what I did with the time I was given.  For me, I know this is the VERY reason why HE has revealed the idols in my life.  To set me FREE, to tear down the idols in my life.  To lead me through a revival, which I've experienced in my life more than once.  At the end of the day, I can't proclaim to BE HIS DISCIPLE, Luke 9:23, Mark 8:34 consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, if HIS word isn't getting in me, renewing my mind and completely transforming my heart. Romans 12:2   If I'm not a reflection of HIS GOODNESS, and I'm not living, loving, or looking anything remotely like JESUS.  

This past year has been a HUGE TRANSFORMATIVE year in my walk with JESUS.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has taken on a whole new purpose in my life.  It's solidified my TRUST in HIM that HE truly is IN THE DETAILS of my life.  That HE truly does know the plans HE has for my life, Jeremiah 29:11.  In HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE HE is bringing me back to remember ALL of what HE has brought me through.  Not in condemnation, but in conviction, in TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE knows why I say what I do, and how easily I say it.  HE is reminding me that I was able to just cut out cursing and unwholesome talk on my own, then wouldn't need HIM, Romans 8:1  HE is wanting me to surrender the guilt and the shame that I have for this very idol in my life HE wants me to let HIM in, let HIS goodness in, let HIS light shine on why, and what I need to do, HE is loving me 100% already, and won't love me anymore or any less if I never let go of this idol in my life., But for me I'm truly learning, and beginning to understand what it means to "live is to CHRIST, to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Dying unto myself, to my flesh, and its desires has been the best possible thing that could have ever happened to me since the day I was saved by HIS amazing grace.  To truly LOVE the LORD with ALL my heart, soul, mind and strength, Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27, Deuteronomy 6:5, means to surrender., fully, with full humility, letting go of my fleshly, selfish ways.  Truly I want and NEED JESUS more than anything else in my life.  More than air, more than food, more than people, more than anything I could possibly think of, or dream of.  TRULY I want to live, love, and look like JESUS, for every soul I encounter to SEE JESUS in me.  I don't want to look, love, or live as the world does.   I want to LIVE FREE and FULLY ALIVE, willing to tear down the idols so that I am able to edify HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, HIS DAILY BREAD, in how HE so lovingly met with me to teach, lead, and guide me how to do just that,

Precious Dear Ones, 

HE knows, HE knows the idols in your life, even if you don't.  HE isn't mad at you, HE cares for you, HE loves you and wants to FREE you from the idols in your life, HE wants you to SEE HIM as your LIVING HOPE, the source of your comfort, joy, peace, relief, food, HE wants to CONSUME your thoughts about what you consume and why.  HE wants to be your EVERYTHING.  HE is waiting for you to open the door to your heart.  HE loves you 100% and won't love you anymore or any less if you decide not to let HIM in.  Dear Ones, HE has amazing plans for your life.  HE is making a way and doing a new thing!  Will you TRUST HIM?  Will you let JESUS in to teach, lead, and guide you to tear down the idols in your life?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

A Holy Response

Deep from within the Heavens, HE calls unto the deepest part of me.  HE reaches for me and pulls me even closer still.  HE breathes HIS PEACE into, and over me.  To quiet my mind, the thoughts that have been wrecking me.  Thoughts that have carried me back to when, when I find myself looking in the rearview mirror more than I am looking forward.  My life, embers and ashes all around me, the enemy wants me to focus. To be so intent on only seeing the wreckage, the lies, the destruction.  The guilt, the shame, the why didn't I, why did this happen, why did that happen, how the hell did we get here?  So much my mind takes me all the way back, back to the storms, the trauma, the agony, in both my childhood and adulthood.  I'm reminded of all that has happened.  I look all around; tears pour from my soul and pool as oceans at my feet.  I'm drowning in memories, but only for a moment, as I feel HIS peaceful presence encompass me.  It is there HE leads me beside HIS still waters, to rest, safely in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. Psalm 23:1-2, Psalm 17:8

I can breathe again, my tears lessen, but still fall, as the pain of all that has happened is being released.  My mind goes back to last summer when HE began to prepare me to pursue A HOLY RESPONSE.  Unbeknownst to me how much that very teaching would prepare me for this very season of life that I am living.  How consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD has prepared me for the HOLY RESET HE has brought me through.  Healing me from CPTSD, HYPERVIGILENCE, TRAUMA, CLINICAL DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, taking away the need for medication just to survive my life.  A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY TEACHINGS how to live, love, and look like JESUS.  How even when someone sins against me, I don't have to react.  How I don't have to RSVP to every argument I'm invited to.  How I don't have to respond to mistreatment or injustice with anger, therefore I won't be reacting (sinning) in my anger.   As that is how the enemy has trapped me over and over relationally for as long as I can remember.  How in every relationship since I was a toddler (which is a mind blowing revelation I've recently had since I was only 2.5 years old when I was first traumatized), I learned how to keep myself small, unseen, unheard, unknown, out of sight, faded into the background, taking responsibility to maintain control of every situation, that if I just did exactly everything without needing anything, then maybe, just maybe they would forget about me, leave me alone, and I would survive another day without being hurt.

This very trauma response would bode well for me as I grew older.  I knew how to test whether someone was safe or not, and honestly, I learned to gauge very quickly that no one was safe.  This worked well in my favor until.... I became a Christian, and it was then I learned some of my life's hardest lessons in forgiveness, trust, and healing.  As some of the meanest most cruel people whom I would encounter would hurt me with scripture, with lies of oppression through legalism and religion.  The expectation for me to just be HOLY and know exactly what the LORD wanted for my life.  Not knowing just how messed up I was.  Not knowing just how trapped I had been for so long.  Not understanding what HE wanted for me, thinking HE only wanted something from me.  Believing I had to earn my salvation, as even though I knew I couldn't earn it, my mind had been trained by a spirit of manipulation and control through the people who were supposed to love and care for me.  An unknowingly I too operated in that same capacity, hurting my children, my husband, and those whom I would encounter.

It wasn't until 4 years ago when I was awakened to healing in the deepest pain of abandonment, isolation, and betrayal that I began to step into a new way of living, as I was learning WHO I AM IN CHRIST JESUS.  HE had begun to prepare me for this very part of my life that I am living now, 13 years ago on May 25, 2013, when HE took me through my very first breakthrough in my life in walking closely with JESUS, and HE laid it heavy on my heart to share my thoughts with others, not realizing then that HE was preparing me, through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to edify HIS word for my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE took HIS time to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIS HOLY PROMISES, and HIS CHARACTER, that I would cling to, and HE brought me through the deep loss of my son Seth.  

Looking back now, HE brought me through ALL of it and has brought me to this life that I am living now.  Through every set back, closed door, HE has brought me through, even when I couldn't SEE, HE remained steadfastly faithful with me, to me.  HE NEVER left my side, NOT even one time.  NOT even when I tried to push HIM away, HE loved me through it, carried me through it ALL.  HE set me back on my feet, and taught me how to live again, how to breathe again, and most importantly how to TRUST again.  HE showed me HE loves and cares for me so deeply and so personally.  HE has met me in ALL of my tears, ALL of my heartache, and has proven to me time and again that HE is indeed THE PROMISEKEEPER.  That HE will ALWAYS make a way.  

A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY BREAD that I've been consuming for the past year, even before I realized that is what HE was having me do.  Preparing me, steadying me to pursue holiness and what that means for me, and what it looks like.  Breaking FREE from the lie of self-comfort, and seeking HIM to comfort me, in taking captive the WHY I consume what I do.  In eating, drinking, watching, and listening to ( all for comfort).  Through it all HE has met me every step of the way, reminding me HE IS IN THE DETAILS of even what I am choosing to eat.  This I am reminded once again this morning as I stepped on the scale, and I've now officially lost 81lbs.  That is so much more than weight loss, but ALL the healing that HE has done inside me, and through me, that now SHINES out of me. A HOLY RESPONSE is becoming the answer to every single question that comes to my mind.  To every single answer that I am seeking.  That has continued to solidify HIS TRUTH, HIS TRUE PURPOSE, HIS WILL for my life, and that is to have me look, love, and live like JESUS, like HIM.  Teaching me how and why it's imperative that I learn and choose to speak HIS TRUTH in love to every single soul I encounter.  How speaking isn't always with words, rather through my prayers to HIM.  That HE knows what my exact thoughts are going to be, before they are even formed.  HE knows why I feel the way I do, and what brings tears to my eyes and why.  HE knows how much looking in the rearview mirror hurts me, and how much memories tend to drown me.  HE knows and wants me TRUST HIM, cry out to HIM, and let HIM carry me through, TRUST HIM to carry me through.  A HOLY RESPONSE of TRUSTING HIM with it all, choosing to respond in HOLINESS.  

I used to write about being on a journey towards wholeness, and that has now become about choosing a HOLY RESPONSE, and pursuing HOLINESS, with JESUS, because of JESUS.  That it's okay that I'm not okay in the grief and sorrow from the memories, that HE is with me in ALL of it, through ALL of it.  HE is making a way.  HE is truly creating in me a new heart and teaching me how to DAILY PUT ON HIS ARMOR, to BE more like HIM.  To BE more peaceful, peace filled, and at the end of each day I can celebrate HIS FAITHFULNESS and GOODNESS for me, and I can wake each new morning with a grateful heart, that HE is TRUSTING me with one more day to LIVE for HIM.  A HOLY RESPONSE has opened the door to a HOLY RESET, which brought me to a whole new way of living with JESUS.  Being blessed to mourn with JESUS, love with JESUS, and pursue HOLINESS with JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE loves you, HE knows you, HE created you and knows every hair on your head.  HE knows your name as it's etched into HIS MIGHTY MAGNIFICIENT CAPABLE HANDS.  HE knows why you're hurting, what you need before you even form a thought to ask.  HE knows that lies of oppression have you bound up.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows every tear you've cried, whether audibly or silently.  HE has always been with you, NEVER once leaving you nor forsaking you. HE knows you think and believe HE has abandoned you, HE is just waiting for you to invite HIM back in, or maybe in for the first time.  HE has amazing plans for healing, and restoration for your life.  No matter how far gone off the rails your life has gone, HE has a plan.  HE knows your fears, and what keeps you stuck.  HE knows how hard you've fought to survive, and how you are just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop in your life.  HE knows the arena of suffering that you find yourself time and again, with all eyes on you waging their bets of whether or not this will be the "thing" that wipes you out.  HE knows how bitter and angry you are that life has just been so damn hard.  HE knows how tired, and let's just face it, battle weary you are.  HE knows how much you carry, how hard you work only to be disrespected by those in your life, and treated so unfairly, unjustly.  HE knows how much you compromise to keep the peace in your life.  HE knows why and how you do the things you to in order to "protect" your peace.  HE knows that lies said about you, believed about you.  HE knows how deeply it cuts into your self-esteem.  HE knows why you run away, isolate, and shut down, and shut out the world just to try quiet the "noise" in your life. HE knows all of the toxic, narcissistic manipulative, controlling entities that are in your life scheming to take you down, to wipe you out.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to teach you how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20, to teach, lead, and guide you to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Dear Ones, ALL of it, HE knows, HE is there, and HIS plans for your life are deeply personal just.for.you.  May today be the day that you surrender to HIS loving, welcoming embrace.  May you seek REFUGE safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS.  May you rest in HIS arms and breathe in HIS peace.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather