The Good Life

The Beatitudes

HE said:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.9
for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5: 2-10

Fourteen years ago, if you were to ask me what I thought "The Good Life" meant or looked like.  I would have said to you:  "Enough money in the bank to pay bills, have a modest home, and working vehicle.  Maybe even "some" savings. Being able to take yearly vacations and be able to live comfortably."  I would have said this in a season of life where we were parents to five children, living in a 950sq ft house.  D was working 100+ hrs. per week.  We had little to no savings, and we relied heavily on church food pantries to feed our family of 7.  We had just welcomed our sweet Seth into our family, and though money was tight, D and I were madly in love with each other, and loved the beautiful life we were building with our then 5 children.

In the following year we would take our first family vacation with our five to Gatlinburg TN for 4 days.  Just a few days prior we would be gifted a 9-passenger SUV from a family of 11 children.  That would be the first of many family road trips, and me learning how to drive said SUV as it would become Mama's Truck, that our precious 5 would pile in monthly for happy hour at Taco Bell treat for 99cents.  Those were some of my most cherished moments with our then 5 children.

Three weeks after being gifted our SUV and our 1st and only family vacation with Seth, D would land a new job in the Chicagoland area.  He would leave that morning dressed to interview for his dream job, not thinking it would be anything more than just "good practice" for future interviews.  I still remember hugging him goodbye and praying with him for his interview.  I remember looking at the clock and it read 1pm which was the time his interview would begin.  I remember asking GOD to please NOT give D the job, rather bless him with a job in the area where we were in that time of our lives.  Right after I felt a strong conviction to pray for HIS WILL, and so with a heaviness I released what I wanted to receive HIS WILL for our families future.

D called that afternoon telling me that he wasn't even out of the city and they called and offered him the job.  Not only that they were going to meet him within 3,000 of his asking salary, which was double what he was making then.  That night D and I laid in our bed dreaming of "The Good Life" that was waiting for us.  Not knowing the stormy season that was brewing, that would test our faithfulness to GOD, each other, our family, and our lives as we knew them.

We would then move to the suburbs of Chicago, to a modest 1200sq ft 4-bedroom home, with 2 1/2 bathrooms.  We would have a home office for D and I to share, we would have 2 working vehicles, and Happy Hour became a weekly Event, and Food Pantries were no longer needed.  Our family times were spent dining out at least once a month, and we would begin to spend time at the mall with our 5.  We would also begin to take the train into the city and take in the sights, get yummy coffee, and just enjoy being a family of 7.

All seemed to be going well with my checklist of living "The Good Life," yet in the background, deep within each of our hearts something was missing.  JESUS was no longer the center of our home.  Try as we might, we couldn't seem to replicate the church we left behind, and we struggled for that 1st year to find our way, to get acclimated to the change.  

I still remember walking through the Walgreens parking lot with our oldest and saying, "I'm so glad we survived this last year, it's truly been the hardest year of our families lives."  Then our summer of 7 began and D and I spent the entire summer at Six Flags with our precious 5.  We made a lifetime of memories, not knowing what the end of summer would be like, and how the beginning of fall would usher in irrevocable change, and our lives as we once knew them would be shattered.

"The Good Life," had been ripped away from us.  Well, that is until this past summer when our church began a series called THE GOOD LIFE and HIS word captured my heart and attention in a new way that took my breath away.  

So here it is, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM calling on me to share what I once "thought" and to know what I know now, all because of how HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to TRUST HIM, even when life doesn't feel or look "good."  By filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows how tired I am, how battle weary I've felt in this stormy season that we survived, and now find ourselves in once again.  HE knows and instead of being angry or frustrated with me, (like I have been with HIM) HE continues to meet me right where I am.  HE gently, so lovingly, and tenderly pulls me even closer still to HIM.  So that I will know (mind) understand (heart) live (TRUST) HIM that even when it hurts, even though I am suffering, I can confidently say I'm suffering with JESUS, and in knowing that, I know full well that I am blessed.  That anything, no matter how hard, unfair, or cruel it may be, is possible with JESUS, because NOTHING is too much for HIM, and that is truly what living THE GOOD LIFE is like.

HE knows ALL of my fears, worries, and doubts.  HE knows why, HE knows what has happened, and HE knows just how much I hate the plan that includes suffering the sudden death of my almost 2 yr old son.  HE knows how much I loathe crying, and how hard I fight to just keep it together and is graciously teaching me how to let go of my "thinking" that I need to manage my grief.  HE knows how much I hate that all that has happened has changed our entire family in the worst way.  HE knows how much I regret and wish so badly I could change about the choices I have made in the stormy seasons of life.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for ALL of it.

Plans for me to live THE GOOD LIFE with JESUS.  To BE a good steward, to honor my body as a HOLY TEMPLE, to speak in love, to BE generous with my time, and to live, love, and look like JESUS.  This I am learning can be quite challenging, as I am still enduring the heart work needed for A HOLY RESPONSE.  This heart work I am having to re-surrender to, as I am so very human.  The latest stage of THE GOOD LIFE is releasing ALL of my negativity to HIM.  

This.... causes me to want to hide, and HE pulls me close, and whispers to my heart, "Dear Heart, I AM NOT mad at you, you're not a disappointment to ME, I love you unconditionally, and I have plans for even more restoration for you.  I have plans to help you to SEE people through MY eyes.  I have plans to increase your HOPE and TRUST in ME and for ME.  I have plans to deepen your faith.  Plans for you to do far more than you could dream of or pray for.  So much more Dear Heart.... so will you let ME?"

This past September has ushered in a waterfall of tears, that are not only mine but JESUS' tears, for I am learning that suffering with JESUS means that HE weeps with me, and for me.  HE has NEVER left me alone and in TRUSTING HIM, HE is taking me to the places where the deepest wounds were inflicted, and HE shows me where HE was, and offers deep and immense healing and freedom for me in speaking HIS TRUTH to me, and over me.  So much I am learning that I am NOT alone in living THE GOOD LIFE, that anyone who is a disciple, follower of JESUS is also living THE GOOD LIFE.

Precious Dear Ones,

Living THE GOOD LIFE is devastatingly good, that in the midst of sadness, sorrow, and pain, HE IS there, ready to hold you, help you, heal you, and when you're ready, HE will restore you.  Letting go of what I "thought" it meant, met me right where i was in the middle of the mess of lies that I found myself believing, speaking and living.  Learning to speak HIS TRUTH has given me the keys to living THE GOOD LIFE, as I have been given the most precious honor to sit with those who mourn, who are hurting and are in immense pain   I have been given the most cherished gift of intercession for prayer for those in need.  I have been immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT, and continue to be amazed by HIS tender mercies, and amazing grace.  I am flooded daily with HIS peace, as to not be buried by all that pain that I encounter in the precious souls that HE has pre-planned for me to meet.  I am grateful to have learned what being blessed means (with JESUS) that I am NEVER alone, and my pain is SEEN, HEARD, and KNOWN.  Dear Ones, should today find you questioning, and searching, maybe even longing.  May today be the day where you accept HIS deeply personal invitation that is just.for.you.  May you come to know your LORD and SAVIOR in a new and tangible way.  May you begin to SEE life through HIS eyes.  May you know that HE won't waste a single tear, or even an ounce of your pain.  HE has a purpose and plan for your life.  May today be the day where you begin to ask the question, "what does THE GOOD LIFE mean to me?  What does it mean to JESUS?"

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with so much compassion, deep empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

CHRIST is all that matters

" For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Hebrews 4:12-13

Why oh why am I so human?  Why do I fall for the lies, deceptions, and distractions of this world?  Why do I find myself caught up in the gossip, slander, and judgments of others?  Why do I accept the invitations to be less than GOD honoring?  Why do I do the things I shouldn't do, and I don't do the things I should do?  Why oh why am I so human?

So much of my before CHRIST life was spent living as a chameleon.  No matter who I was talking to, I made sure that my thoughts, words, and actions aligned with whomever I was conversing with.  It didn't matter that what I was saying or doing was hurtful, or judgmental, if I kept the bullseye off of me.  

Sadly, as I reflect back on my relationships after having given my life to CHRIST, well to be honest not much has changed.  Well, I mean I'm not outwardly choosing to gossip or slander or judge someone outrightly.  However, I do sit idly by and allow myself to be immersed in the conversations without saying a word.  And sometimes, ugh without realizing it, I find myself be a willing participant, because well they hurt me, or "I just can't believe. _____"  

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has captured my heart and attention and is reshaping my heart and attitude towards how I interact with people.  HIS WORD led me straight to Hebrews in talking about HIS SWORD OF TRUTH.  Which was preceded by me putting on HIS ARMOR, thinking that I was truly taking up HIS SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, to speak HIS TRUTH.  Well, I am beginning to understand that while yes, I am taking up HIS SWORD, I am not using it to its fullest capability.  HIS TRUTH that has brought me to my knees in repentance.

The TRUTH is this, NOTHING ELSE, CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.  NOT my feelings, NOT my attitude, NOT my intentions, NOT my truth, NOT my understanding, NOT my way, NOT my why.  NOTHING ELSE matters, and I MUST get that planted to BE DEEPLY ROOTED and CULTIVATED by HIM, as HE is, CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.  This HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to know, to understand, to live and it's ALL for my good.

I am learning the importance of WHY HE has taken so much time to gently and lovingly bring me to a place where I feel safe to surrender, to invite HIM into what is hurting me. To lead me beside the still waters, to allow me to lie down to rest, so that HE will restore my soul.  Which then leads me to deep repentance because of my deep reverence of HIS HOLY, MAJESTIC, and MIGHTY WAYS.   This I am learning is what to fear the LORD means.  

This morning, I am blown away by HIS GOODNESS for me, to SEE HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS for me once again that HE isn't done with me yet.  HE knows how tired I am, how hard I've been fighting to do the next right thing, and how the challenges in my life have left me feeling so battle weary.  HE knows how my strength has run out and is teaching me a better way to live.  This for me looks like, NOT GIVING UP on HIM, for I know FULL WELL, that time after time, HE has NEVER given up on me.  And in knowing this, I am learning to speak, to share, to write about how HE IS - CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.  

Today my heart is hurting so much for my children, each for vastly different reasons.  Because of this hurt, I am opening up and letting HIM in.  I'm lifting my eyes to meet with HIM face to face, TO SEE HIM, because HE has taught me that HE is indeed TRUSTWORTHY.  That even when the darkest nights try to hide me, HIS LIGHT is ALWAYS shining.  This I know to be true, as I have learned in the hardest way in the immense suffering of the deep loss of my son.  That even when I was deep in a pit of despair and oppression, I may not have been able to lift my head up, however I could look from side to side, and I could SEE HIS LIGHT that was shining for me.  That even when the pain was more than I could possibly bear, HE remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, and for me. 

This is how I know and can feel HIM pull me even closer to HIM.  To hear HIS voice, to BE comforted by HIS peaceful presence.  So that my breathing will be steady, and I will feel encompassed by HIS love.  So lovingly, gently, full of compassion, and deep empathy, HE speaks straight to my heart HIS TRUTH, that HIS intention for my surrender, and repentance is to make me HOLY LIKE HE IS.  In order to do that though, I must choose to live with the attitude, to BE determined, that NO matter what happens, NO matter the circumstances of my life, I MUST BE set apart and made HOLY by HIM.  This I know requires me to BE RESOLVED that CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

This is my greatest desire: to BE LIKE JESUS.  Still, in my humanness, I forget that even though I have learned so much, oh man there's so much more.  There are so many more layers to becoming CHRIST LIKE.  That HE isn't done with me, HE doesn't look at me and say, "oh you're too broken."  Rather HE looks at me with the deepest empathy, and longing for full restoration for me.  Knowing this in my mind, praying for understanding and acceptance in my heart, has led me to speaking HIS TRUTH over my life.  HE TRULY IS MY PEACE, and HE IS - CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Precious Dear Ones,

Today, you and I are being given the gift of a choice.  To choose to live with CHRIST as the center of our lives, or to choose to live the way we want to.  This is HIS deeply personal invitation for each and every person that our physical eyes see.  At the dawn of each new day we are being given the choice.  Never forceful, rather full of deep love, compassion, and empathy.  Dear Ones, I've written about how much I have walked through in my life, what I've endured, and have had to face.  I have openly shared my anger towards GOD in this journey that is and has been my life, and through it all HE has shown up in the mightiest of ways and has RESTORED me.  HE has brought me back to my feet after having been leveled by the deep loss of my son.; HE has remained steadfastly faithful to me, even when I didn't want HIM, or trust HIM.  HE remained, HE held me, and waited, pouring HIS strength into me, and flooded me with HIS peace which is what allowed me to keep breathing even when I was sure I would die from my broken heart.  TRULY I have learned in the hardest, and holiest of ways that CHRIST IS ALL THAT MATTERS.  Perhaps something in today's post is pulling on your heart or is stirring a memory within you.  Whatever it is, I pray you'll open your heart to HIM today, even if its to let out the anger or even hatred that you have for HIM.  Dear One, HE knows, and HE loves you, even when you don't love HIM, HE loves you and HE has a plan to help you through whatever it is that you're going through.  HIS plan always includes, helping you to forgive, even what you can't forget.  To heal you, so that you can move forward with your life.  To set you FREE from the lies that have held you captive in plain sight.  This I know to be TRUE, as I have experienced it, lived it, and am now THRIVING through it (even with tears streaming from my eyes)

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With the deepest compassion, understanding, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

real love

 Well, here we go again, the heart work continues.  To add another layer to A HOLY RESPONSE, is TRUE WISDOM, which has led me to real love.  All of which HE is teaching me to take off the self-armor that I agreed to wear from a very tender age, so that I would BE able to PUT ON HIS ARMOR.  This I am learning is more in depth that I could have possibly known or understood.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is leading me straight to 2 Timothy 4:2-5 where Paul has written to Timothy to encourage him to STAND FIRM in proclaiming the message the LORDS TRUTH with intensity.  This morning HIS words spoken straight to my heart.  "Dear Heart, DON'T be swayed, DON'T be deceived, DON;'T cave, DON'T let subtle thoughts, questions slip through.  DO be of sober mind, DO be alert, and KEEP your eyes on ME, and LISTEN for MY voice. I AM with you always; you are NEVER alone."

HE knows my desire to speak HIS TRUTH in love, but HE also knows how limited I tend to feel when fear of causing harm rushes my mind and floods my heart as the last thing I want to do is inflict pain on anyone in whom I have been given the opportunity for a DIVINE ENCOUNTER.  HE knows how my hearts cry is for people to know HIM as I know HIM, and to write, speak and share with authentic faith of what it's like to become a disciple of JESUS.

HE knows how hard I have had to fight through the lies that have been perpetuated in the confines of church community.  HE knows my deepest pains and scars have come from DIVINE ENCOUNTERS that led me into some of the darkest valleys of the shadow of death.  Not because it was ever their intention, however the enemy of my soul twisted, ever so subtly GOD'S WORD, and in turn wrecked me and caused me to question my faith in the LORD and leveled me in ways where I wasn't sure if I'd ever recover, and sometimes the pain was so overwhelming I wasn't sure if I wanted to recover. And just like that, the lie of: "I hate everyone and everything:" was cultivated even deeper in my heart.   A lie that would try it's best to pull me even further away from HIS grasp. 

What I've learned though is that real love leaves the 99 to reach to rescue the ONE.  I know this to be TRUE because I have witnessed HIM empty oceans, and level mountains just to reach me.  I have been TRANSFORMED in the refining fire of HIS LOVE.  That the fire that the enemy of my soul was certain would destroy me, JESUS met me right there in the fire, held me, helped me, and poured HIS strength into me and over me. No matter how hot the flames got, HE stayed with me and remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me.

When I thought I couldn't possibly endure anymore, HE pulled me even closer still to HIS chest, wrapping me safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS.  Speaking HIS TRUTH over me.  Slowly, ever so gently I experienced HIS love, real love that shut down, shut out, and shut up the lies of my enemy.  

Slowly over time HIS real love began to reveal the subtle ways the enemy of my soul ensnared me in his web of lies.  Subtle compromise of what I knew to be true, but in order to save face, avoid conflict, or perhaps isolate for fear of being exposed as a fraud.  As the attacks from my enemy have increased in accusations stating, "you're not really who you portray yourself to be."  Joby Martin, Pastor of 1122 church in FL says it like this "When the enemy accuses me, I just agree with him, as man you should hear what I'm thinking, you only know what I'm doing, But JESUS man, HE knows, and HIS grace is sufficient enough for all of it, and HE is the ONE who helps me through it, and HE is the ONE WHO Redeems me."

Truly I am learning the importance of taking EVERY thought captive, being alert, standing firm, and choosing a HOLY RESPONSE, which has led me to seeking TRUE WISDOM, in speaking HIS TRUTH in REAL LOVE.  That not everyone whom I encounter will like me, ore agree with me, still I am called to stand firm with intensity, to NOT cave, back down, or be swayed by fear.  That I will speak, share, and write with confidence that HE has called me to do according to HIS purposes for my life.  

I do my best to not pretend I have all the answers.  But I do promise to seek the ONE WHO has all the answers.  I will seek to be made humble enough to acknowledge my humanness that I am always in NEED of JESUS WHO is my LORD and SAVIOR.  This is my life, this is my journey, this is my calling here on this earth, that one day I will be called HOME to be with JESUS, face to face to LIVE my promised ETERNAL LIFE, where no more tears, where all wrongs will be made right, where I will understand why it was the plan, and I will SEE the finished result of real love.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows, HE SEES you, and HE loves you deeply, with an everlasting love.  HE has been with you ALL the days of your life.  There's never been a time in your life where HE wasn't there., My prayer is that you will seek HIS TRUTH for you, that is deeply personal that ONLY you can truly understand as it's yours to TRUST to know, to believe, and to speak.  I pray that you will seek HIM to strengthen your resolve to NOT cave, NOT back down, and NOT be swayed.  That you will stand firm in HIS TRUTH, that you will know, TRUST, experience, and live HIS TRUTH of what real love looks, loves, and lives like.  May today be the moment where you decide to TRUST JESUS to teach, lead, and guide you to what you don't understand, or what you have made subtle compromises that have slowly removed HIM from your life.   

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with a deep understanding, grace, compassion, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

equipped

"For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.  For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline"

2 Timothy 1: 6-7

Today is October 31, 2026, and I am relieved, as I have made it through another year of grieving my son.  Not only did I make it through, rather I did it face to face with my LORD and SAVIOR (Coram Deo.)  I was able to do whatever was asked of me this past month because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me.  I made it through with tears streaming down my face, and with so much joy and heartache in my heart.

Joy because I am truly living HIS HOLY PROMISES that the JOY of the LORD is my strength, and I am TRULY confident that I WILL, and HAVE SEEN HIS Goodness here in the land of the living.  Goodness in being able to remember a time when the calendar month of October paralyzed me.  That not only was I drowning sorrow, but I had also stopped living.  I had NO hope for living, and I was clinging, hanging on by my fingertips to hope for heaven.  I remembered just crying to the end of my soul, trying so desperately to understand why this was really the plan.  I was able to recall ALL the times where I was so ready to give up, which was at least a million times.  Still, HE remained.

"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Nehemiah 8:10

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13

I saw HIS goodness this past month in being able to answer HIS calling for my life to serve according to HIS PURPOSES for my life.  I was equipped with everything that I needed to complete the tasks at hand.  HE poured HIS strength into me, and led me with HIS power and authority, giving me the TRUE CONFIDENCE that I could truly do ALL things through CHRIST WHO GIVES me the strength.  Another HOLY PROMISE made, laid on my heart, cultivated, deeply rooted that I am living proof that HE is indeed STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL and TRUSTWORTHY.

 I can do all this through him who gives me strength

Philippians 4:13

I was able to use the gifts given unto me by HIM to BE the hands and feet of JESUS.  I was given many opportunities to pray for and sit with to hold space for the brokenhearted.  I was even able to pray intercessory prayer for a bereaved Mama who too lost her son.  I was able to sit with her as she cried tears of agony and know that I recognized the pain she was in, that I may not have understood the depth of her pain, but I knew WHO did, and I lifted her to HIM.  I was able to share a portion of my child loss story in several different situations.  The latest being last night as D and I were out running errands and stopped in the grab dinner to go.

The very place we chose to go isn't exactly a go to for us, but was right where our errands were, so we decided it would be quick and we'd be home on time for our son to go to work. What we "thought" would be quick, turned into one of the most cherished moments of my life in being able to share my faith.  While we were waiting in line this sweet woman in front of us stepped aside and said, "go ahead, I'm still deciding."  Her kindness was felt and received as she smiled with her bright red lipstick.  She looked at me, and said, "oh dear are you alight?"  Normally I would have brushed off that question, but I just said, "I'm grateful this month is almost over."  Her words, "Oh Dear I'm so sorry to hear that."  

Her kindness pulled at my heart, and I felt a gentle nudge from HIS HOLY SPRIIT to offer to buy her dinner, to which she politely declined.  She was then bewildered as to why I would want to do such a thing.  Her response, "why would you offer such a thing, do you just like old people?"  In the next breath I felt a nudge from HIS HOLY SPIRIT to share with her about losing my son 12 years ago Her eyes welled up with tears, and she just listened.  She asked me how did I survive such tragedy?  I said, "JESUS sustained me."  She said, "I think HE is the only one WHO could possibly help a Mama through that."  Again, I insisted on buying her dinner, which she finally allowed us to pay for her "senior" drink.  Our interaction though brief was about to become even more.  D and I ordered our dinner to go and stood on the other side of the restaurant for pickup.  Before long she made her way over to us.  She was so intrigued by our story.  And right there, we shared about our life together.  Married 28 years, 4 girls, 2 boys, and 2 grandchildren, as she stood there her eyes were shining so brightly through her tears.  

Our food was brought out to us, and I hugged her and thanked her for allowing us to share our story with her, and for letting us buy her drink.  She thanked us for our kindness and wished us a blessed life.  We wished her the same and thanked her for blessing us with her willingness and kindness to listen.

Walking to the car, my heart was so full.  Truly I had made it through with JESUS, not just this October, but truly every single day of my life.  Whether I knew it or not.  HE has been with me ALL the days of my life.  I have been equipped with the spiritual gifts to SEE to know, to understand that HE is with me always.  

I woke up this morning with her name on my heart.  Knowing full well that what we "thought" was just grabbing a "quick" dinner would solidify even deeper what I already know.  That each and every encounter that I am being placed in is for HIS DIVINE purpose.  The only thing I need to do is to understand the importance of me living out HIS CALLING for my life.  What I NEED to do so that I will BE able to use my gifts according to HIS PURPOSES for my life is to meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  To repent, surrender, pray and wait.  To TRUST that HE will teach, lead, and guide me.  That through HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE I will BE equipped with courage, love, peace, self-control, and calm to face each and every circumstance that is happening in my life.  

Today I am looking back on the tests, trials, and storms of my life where HE has taken me back and shown me was, HE was then and still is now.  I am thankful to SEE that HE is indeed doing a new thing in my life and it's WILD.  More than I could have possibly prayed for or even imagined.  I am grateful to have made it through this devastatingly good year, and month I am so thankful to have JOY restored in my life.  I am thankful that I am able to mourn with those who mourn, without it being about my own pain.  I am thankful to BE HIS hands and feet.  I am thankful to BE able to share, to write, to speak about HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  Because TRULY I have tasted and SEEN that the LORD is indeed good, and I have definitely SEEN HIS goodness here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

Today is unlike any other, it's a new day, one that I have yet to live, that you have yet to live.  May today be the day where you repent, surrender, pray and wait for the LORD to reveal to you what you've already been equipped to do.  May today be the beginning of rest of your life., May you feel the comfort of HIS tender and peaceful presence.  May you come to know HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR, and may you begin to SEE HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with the deepest empathy, love, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

prayer is essential

I have now lived almost 11 months medication free.  Free to freely feel all of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  What I've come to realize is that I am so very brokenhearted for so many different reasons in my life.  That what I thought was the only way I was truly brokenhearted, has been revealed to me through prayer that I am actually so brokenhearted for more than I could possibly speak about, or quite honestly that I was brave enough to face.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has been a culmination of the past few days, where I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still as I have learned to just let my tears fall.  Tears that for so long I have fought so hard NOT to release, but because I have surrendered to suffering with JESUS, HE is leading me to a place where I feel safe to acknowledge all that has broken my heart.

Yesterday was a day of tears, where I didn't understand as to why I was crying, well that is until I heard HIM say, "Your heart is so broken for so many reasons, and it's okay, I'M here, I know, I SEE you, I love you.  You're NEVER alone, I'M always here with you."  This happened during my daily walk around my neighborhood as I try to walk 1 to 2 miles every day to care for my physical health.  I struggle to work out, but walking is something I've come to enjoy as I listen to worship music, and it's the newest place where I've learned to draw near to HIM and let my tears fall.

On these daily walks with JESUS, I pour my heart out to HIM.  It's where I pray for guidance, I pray for clarity, I pray for peace, and I pray for even more strength.  For my longing for heaven can be so intense at times., Especially when my broken heart is dictating my every waking move.  This I am learning as HE is showing me why I must know, understand, and TRUST the imperativeness that prayer is essential.  

I am learning that it has been through the intentionality that I have met with HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE that I have learned HIS voice, so that I would know what thoughts are mine, HIS, or my enemies.  I am being given a daily opportunity to increase my communication with JESUS through the power of prayer, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  It has been through daily surrender of the things I don't know or understand, that HE is teaching me the next level of why prayer is essential for me to continue this journey with JESUS.

Truly HE has NEVER left me in the valley.  HE has NEVER left me in a pit of despair.  HIS HOLY SPRIRIT interceded on my behalf through wordless groans.  HE NEVER left my side, even when I felt so very alone.  Even when the pain and agony hid my joy from me, HE held onto it for me.  For HIS perfect timing to gift it back to me.

I still remember one morning where my tears had been my food, as I felt as though I couldn't; remember Seth anymore.  It had been four years since I last held him, and I was devastated that I couldn't remember his voice, his little hands, or our life together.  I was being tormented by my enemy that I only dreamt of Seth, he was never really here, when really, it was to pile on the guilt as what kind of Mama can't remember her baby? I remember being desperate in prayer to "please help me to remember Seth, JESUS."  Crying to the end of my soul, I heard HIM speak to my broken heart, "I'M holding your memories for you until you're ready to SEE them."

HE knew, just how much it hurt me to remember.  HE knew how hard I was fighting to remain living.  HE knew and remained steadfastly faithful with me, and for me.  HE held me close, as I cried out over and over to HIM, "I hurt JESUS, I don't know how not to hurt anymore."  HIS response, "I know, I'M here, I'M with you, I'M NOT leaving you."  Those are the most precious, tender moments of raw ugly grief that I have.  Times where I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe., where I wanted to end it all.  Where I fought so hard to NOT give up, or give in.  HE knew, HE heard my cries for help, and now looking back I am understanding and TRUSTING even more that prayer is essential and vital for my relationship with JESUS.

Truly HE has taken so much time, gently cultivating a deepened TRUST within me for HIM.  Truly HE is indeed so very close to the brokenhearted, and for this very reason, I know that HE is letting me experience my broken heart without the shielding from shock or medication to feel all that hurts me.  Not to punish or torment me, but rather to show me how to cry out to HIM, to draw near to HIM, and TRUST that HE will draw nearer to me.  This I know is to solidify my TRUST in HIM for HIM that indeed prayer is essential.  

Looking back on the days where I was in the darkest, deepest depths of despair, HE gave me one more breath to pray for even more air to breathe.  When my tears were all, I knew, HE flooded me with HIS perfect peace, that allowed my tears to lessen.  When my mind couldn't fathom how or what to do next, HIS grace was sufficient enough for me to pray even more.  Truly I have learned that there is indeed NO condemnation for those WHO are in CHRIST JESUS - -Romans 8:1 So much I have learned because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM, to understand HIS word, to show me how to apply HIS word to my life, and to deepen my TRUST in HIM, for HIM, that I may not know how, or SEE how, but with HIM, I can and will do the seemingly impossible.

So this is me, reminding myself once again of HIS GOODNESS that even though I am still so very brokenhearted, for more reasons that I am able to write about, one day, that too HE will Redeem, and Oh what a glorious day that will be.  Until then, I'll keep TRUSTING HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, and I'll keep praying, waiting, being still, going where and when called.  I will keep writing, speaking and sharing. I will hold tight to HIS TRUTH that prayer is essential.

Precious Dear Ones,

Even though no one else may know, HE does.  HE knows and HE is there with you, to help you, hold you, and HIS plan is to heal you.  HE delights in you and loves to hear your voice cry out to HIM.  HE is there ready to draw you nearer to HIM.  HE wants to teach, lead, and guide you to know, to understand, to TRUST HIM that prayer is essential.  Dear Ones, if you don't know how to pray, well HE has a plan for that too, as it's written in HIS WORD, modeled to you, by JESUS. Matthew 6:9-13.  May today be the beginning of a new life for you to draw near to HIM and feel HIM draw nearer to you.  James 4:8

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with the deepest compassion, understanding, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

break

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,"

Ephesians 1:7-8

This morning the heaviness in my chest was back.  I could feel that HE had something for me to know, to learn, to understand, and to choose to TRUST.  I knew it was something pertaining to my deep overwhelming sadness I am experiencing due to the fact that I feel so incredibly helpless for so many different reasons.  Reasons beyond my control.  Reasons that cause me to cry endlessly, not hopelessly, but helplessly.  Tears that have become my food once again.  Tears that I have stuffed deep inside of me under layers of self-protection.  And then with just a song, HE speaks straight to my heart, "Dear Heart something has to break."  With that the tension built up in my chest releases, and I sigh and the tears stream out of my eyes.

I feel it in this room
Holy Spirit move
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break
Tear down every lie
Set the wrong thing right
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break 

Something Has to Break by:

Red Rocks Worship & Essential Worship

Layers of self-protection, bondage through lies of people-pleasing and caretaker.  For self-management of my feelings, as to not be too much.  Constantly walking on eggshells as to not say too much, to be too overbearing.  To not seem aloof to what is happening, but to also not interject the situation with my thoughts and feelings.  Things that I learned to manage so long ago, long before I even know what I was agreeing to.  Self-armor that has to break.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me how to love myself the way HE loves me, so that I can love others the same way.  In the same way HIS GLORIOUS GRACE has forgiven me, so can I forgive myself, and extend that same grace to those who hurt me.  I'm learning that I can let go of what mistakes I've made in my past.  I don't have to walk around full of apprehension of overstepping, being overbearing, or being to seemingly aloof for fear of becoming over involved.  

HIS GLORIOUS GRACE is being poured out for me, drawing me nearer to HIM, so that I can SEE that what needs to break are the lies that have kept me bound up.  Lies of people pleasing, (having to fear of being my TRUE SELF) fear that lies to me saying that I need to doubt myself, that I couldn't possibly be forgiven, much less would I be able to forgive others, after all the enemy does everything to ensure that I NEVER forget what has been done to me. 

It's as though on a loop a broken record of wrongs, constantly, continuously playing over in my mind and out of my heart that cause me to people please, to manage, and step into the unrealistic expectation of caretaker role.  A role that I assumed at a very young age.  As manager to the happiness and contentment of others.  I was loved through manipulation and control, so I believed that love needed to be earned, it wasn't just received.

This for me was a HUGE challenge to know, to learn, to understand, and even when I did, I still struggled to TRUST HIM, to TRUST HIS WORD.  HE knew and HE met me right where I was, pulling me even closer still.  Covering me in HIS GLORIOUS GRACE showering me with HIS ENDLESS, EVERLASTING LOVE, flooding me with HIS PERFECT PEACE, and waking me each morning with a new song of HIS TENDER MERCIES.  Ever so slowly, and gently, with UNFAILING KINDNESS, HE met me right where I was.  

Continuously, relentlessly, HE pursued me.  Capturing my heart and attention to know HIM even more.  When I was weary, HE led me beside the still waters.  When I grew so tired and couldn't stand, HE gave me rest in the greenest pasture.  When my tears were my food, HE pulled me even closer still, HE held me, until I could breathe again.  HE held me so very close to HIM.  HE NEVER left my side.  HE waited for me to know that I was hearing HIS voice.  

This morning was a continuation of ALL the times where HE has led me through each and every breakthrough.  Knowing this, I am able to TRUST HIM, to know that HE truly does have my back.  HE knows why I am hurting, why I am crying, and why I feel so helpless.  HE knows and HE has plans for ALL of it.  HE knows my heart's desire is to love people well.  Just as HE loves me so well.  HE knows why I struggle, and what keeps me from forgiving, and extending grace to those who have hurt me, or who have hurt those that I love.  HE knows the shame and guilt that has piled up because I have failed in my relationships with people, both in my family and just those whom I encounter.  HE knows how much I wish I could go back and start over, and HE has a plan for that too.

Precious Dear Ones,

Perhaps what needs to break is the lie that you have taken on that (fill in the blank) is your responsibility.  Perhaps HE is letting you know that whatever you have agreed to is NOT what HE asked of you, rather just something you agreed to.  Dear Ones, HE knows how broken-hearted you are by what has happened.  HE knows how unfairly you are treated, and how disrespected you feel.  HE knows the lies spoken about you, the assumptions made about you, and HE knows the unforgiveness you have for those who have hurt you, but even more so the unforgiveness you have for yourself.  HE knows, and HE is there ready to show you what needs to break.  May you seek HIM, and allow HIM to show you, so that you will SEE that HE is working ALL things out for your good, and that HE is leading you through a breakthrough that is just.for.you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with deep compassion and empathy, and so much love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

vital

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"When you base your life on JESUS, when you dig deeply into HIS word, you will find HOPE on the hardest days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

My hardest days have been the mundane Tuesdays of my life.  It's been the days where nothing and everything is wrong.  The days where I can't explain or describe why I feel the way I do.  The days where tears well up in my eyes and fall like rain.  Days where something as simple as a sock can cause a tsunami of grief triggers to come crashing all around me.  Those are the days I loathe and make me homesick for heaven.  Those are the days where I cling to JESUS because my life truly depends on HIM.

I still remember the first time I learned of HIS HOLY PROMISE of Jeremiah 29:11. To be honest it created in me a surface level faith.  As I was oblivious as to what I just might have to face or go through.  This is because I "thought" the reason all the horrible things that had happened to me was because I didn't know HIM then.  Well now (when I was 26, I was walking with CHRIST so everything would truly work out for my good.)  

Little did I know that living with oblivious understanding to HIS TRUTH would level my faith.  As 10 short years later, I would learn in the hardest of ways, that we aren't promised tomorrow, and that suffering was inevitable for everyone.  I learned in the hardest of ways just how vital a relationship with JESUS would be so that I would survive the worst day of my life.

Looking back to 12 years ago, there's so much I didn't know, that I couldn't' possibly understand Living in oblivious thinking, and understanding created in me a false sense of security.  I had some deep roots, understanding of WHO HE was, and I was starting to grasp WHOSE I am.  Still, I wasn't prepared for what would happen during the darkest, hardest season of my life.  Nothing could have prepared me for the excruciating agony I would endure.  Nothing and no one could have saved me from the overwhelming sorrow I would feel.  No one could have met me in my blinding anger of feeling betrayed by GOD, as how the hell could Seth dying, my son dying be a part of the plan?  Quite frankly GOD where the hell are you?

I was beyond heartbroken, but even more I was so angry at GOD, as I couldn't SEE how anything would ever be good again.  The angrier I let myself get, the closer HE pulled me to HIM.  Even as I beat my fists into HIS chest, crying over and over, begging and pleading for HIM to please come back, please give me back my Sethie, my baby.  I didn't know how to pray anymore, I couldn't read my bible, I could only pour out my ocean of tears soaking into the pages (I ruined an entire bible) of which I kept as living proof that HE catches and keeps every single one of my tears.

I wanted to give up on HIM, and HE wouldn't give up on me.  Instead, HE met me right where I was, HIS grace was like an avalanche that encompassed me.  HIS peace flooded every part of me, and HIS tender mercies were made new for me each and every morning.  I was battle-weary, I was worn out, so tired of crying, and I hated living with a broken heart.  I struggled to keep my head up and felt myself falling further into the pit despair.  

Still, I clung to JESUS - as I knew HE was vital for my survival.  I clung to HIS PROMISES as HIS word was what HE planted deeply, firmly, and cultivated for 10 years before I would have to truly depend on it.  Those deep roots are what kept me clinging to what was vital to keep me from giving up on my life.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up, still I clung to JESUS, and I waited.

Seven years into suffering I would TRUST HIM enough to surrender even more, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again.  I would learn to fight, with HIS WORD which is the sword of HIS HOLY SPIRIT Ephesians 6:17 by putting on my helmet of Salvation, so that my mind would be protected.  I would then learn how to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  I would learn just how vital my total dependence and TRUST in JESUS was for my life.  

"GOD has a plan only you can fulfill.  HE has a task specifically designed for you to undertake. And HE promises that HIS plan is for your good, to bring you peace and hope in your days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

I am HIS LIVING VESSEL, HIS tangible proof of HIS goodness.  As I have experienced this very TRUTH, as I have learned just how vital it is for me to know (mind) understand (heart) TRUST (out of your heart) HIM so that I am able to do what HE calls me to do.  I am living proof that there is HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING even while living a life after child loss.  I've survived the unimaginable loss because of JESUS.  Because HE has been my everything.

I have not only just survived, but also I have learned to live to THRIVE because HE has been so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to REMAIN with me, even when I was angry.  Even when I pushed HIM away, even when I hated HIM, even when my words were so far below honoring to HIM.  HE remained, HE held me, and let me cry deep into HIS chest, HE took all of my anger.... all of my tears.... which at times I was certain I would bust in half from the intensity of crying to the end of my soul.  HE remained when I wanted to end it all, as all I wanted was the pain to end.  Through it all, no matter how I felt, HIS TRUTH stayed the same, HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE had a plan for all of it, even when I refused to TRUST HIM, well HE had a plan for that too.

I couldn't fathom the life I am living now, well that is until I HE takes me back and reminds me of the many prayers I prayed in asking for the life I am living now.  The only difference is, the plans HE has for each of my children, well HE didn't consult me on those, and HE is asking me TRUST HIM with ALL of it.  So instead of being angry that I'm not being consulted, I know, understand and TRUST to pray for my children.  To pray that they too will know, understand and TRUST just how vital their deeply personal relationship with JESUS is for each of them.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows the plans HE has for your life.  Plans that are deeply personal and just.for.you.  Plans that require your willingness to submit, to repent, to surrender to HIS will for your life.  Dear Ones, HE knows your apprehension, and why you have it.  HE understands, and HE has a plan for that too.  Nothing is unbeknownst to HIM, even when your angry with HIM, even when and WHY you don't TRUST HIM.  HE was there then, and HE is there now, for ALL the days of your life.  HE was there when you stopped praying, when deep loss entered your life and your suffering began.  HE knows, and HE loves you.   I pray you will seek HIM and ask HIM to be the LORD and SAVIOR of your life.  I pray that you too will know, understand and TRUST that HE is vital for your faith, and your life., 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, understanding and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather