desperately seeking JESUS

Today...... my soul is downcast....... and my spirit is oh so crushed.  Today the heaviness the weight, the burden, the walk, the steps...... its all too much.  Today I have spent over half of it laying in my bed, drenched.... soaked..... drowning in tears of anguish and sorrow.  Tears from not only losing my sweet Sethie, but also from my life in general.  Tears of questions of why was I created this way, why is this my story?  How am I ever going to survive this?  Do I really hear from HIM?  Am I really walking each day with HIM, or is this just me desperately seeking JESUS???

There it is right there...... the soul crushing, heart wrenching truth, do I really hear HIM, do I really TRUST HIM, is HIS word really planted, and rooted deeply and firmly in my heart? Questions that strike my every nerve, and make me cringe for even thinking.... let alone asking.... speaking out loud, or writing in my journal..... yet they are there, tormenting me to tears.... and it makes me even more determined to seek HIS truth.  It leaves me needing more than ever to be desperately seeking JESUS.

This morning I poured my heart and soul out to HIM.  ALL the ugliness, bitterness, rage, tears, you name it, I spilled it out into my journal, my Psalms to HIM.  As my thoughts spilled out of my mind, I couldn't hardly keep up with all that I was thinking and writing, I was overwhelmed, and when I finished, I sat, with tears streaming down my face..... waiting...... as this was another soul crushing moment where all I knew to do was to dig deep and begin desperately seeking JESUS.

"As the deer pants for streams of water,so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, or the living God.When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,my Savior and my God.  My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,the heights of Hermon—from Mount izar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock,“Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" Psalm 42

I reached for my daily devotional, and felt HIM speak to my heart..... 

Write this down..... I know how alone you feel in all of this, but hold fast to MY word, dig deep into MY word, and let it wash away any of the lies the enemy has told you.  I am here with you, I am holding you, I am with you always.  I will NEVER nor have I EVER left you.  I am with you....

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

"May the Lord our God be with us as he was with our ancestors; may he never leave us nor forsake us" 1 Kings 8:57

"As for me, this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants—from this time on and forever,” says the Lord." Isaiah 59:21

I know how heartbroken you are, I know just how downcast your soul is, and how crushed your spirit is.  Trust ME, I have a plan, and it's good, when it's all too much come to me and find rest.  Let me carry this burden for you, I will give you rest, seek ME, and you will find ME.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I know how traumatized you are by all of this.  This is why I have opened the door for you to receive help in coping with all of this.  Help to SEE all that I am doing, have done, and will continue to do in you and through you.  I promise that even on the days where you don't feel it, I'm there pouring MY love into you, as you Heather, are MY beloved, you are MY treasure.

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

" Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." Deuteronomy 7:6

I should tell you that I didn't hear all of that this morning, I only heard a portion of it, the rest of it came while writing today's blog.  Hearing HIM speak to my heart even more, I am taken aback.  HIS treasure..... me, Heather, middle child born into a family of three children, more commonly known, or well at least to me as the forgotten one.  Later in life, the lonely one, the sad one, the serious one, the unfun one, the unplayful one, the uninvitied one, the unaccepted one...... so many one's and HE'S pouring HIS truth into me that I am HIS treasure.  The Treasured One.

"But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me" Isaiah 49:14-16

I can't even begin to process that..... yet HIS word is sinking deep into my heart, TRUST it, BELIEVE it, KNOW it, you, Heather are MY Treasure.   Hearing this is so overwhelming to me, as I have just spent my first session, yesterday in therapy.  I came out with a diagnosis familiar to me, as I have already walked a previous journey with that same diagnosis.  This time however it is daunting to me. As I know just how hard, and how long it took to overcome the heartache, sadness, sorrow, pain, and anguish from my past, and that wasn't even a fraction as hard as this journey of walking through grief has been.  Though I am extremely grateful, I deeply saddened and disheartened in knowing just how badly I am wounded, there's a word for it even..... PTSD.  

Though I know through reading that it's sadly not at all uncommon for bereaved parents to suffer from this, after all our worst nightmares have come true, and we have lived through the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable....  could write about the surrealness of it forever.  I prayed fervently that this would NOT happen to me, and it has left me desperately seeking JESUS to please SAVE me from that level of heartache and pain..... and yet here I am.  Facing it, head on, work boots on ready to do the work..... well at least I was... until...... 

So I have this problem within me, and well that is I am human, filled with human emotions and well herein lies the problem for me, because of these human emotions, I have these days of what I call spin outs.  Today is most definitely a spin out day.  A day that actually began late last night, as words were spoken that only discouraged me, and made me feel even further from the finish line...... words that made me question whether or not what I feel, think, say and do really are HIS truth for my life. Words leaving me so desperately seeking JESUS for relief, rest, and refuge from this massive, unimaginable, soul crushing storm.

Knowing, trusting, and living out HIS truth has been my mission my goal per say.  I have poured so much time energy and effort into speaking, breathing, and living HIS word in my life, and deep into my heart.  I have spent so many hours meditating on HIS word, soaking in it, so that it would plant, and root deeply and firmly into my heart. I have spent so much time in prayer desperately seeking JESUS to teach, lead, and guide me so that I would be able to put on HIS armor to fight the good fight, of which would bring ALL praise, honor, and glory to HIS name.  I have spent so much time living in the seriousness of my journey, in dedicating myself to doing the hard work, that I have forgotten that HE wants me to SEE the JOY in each day as well.

My mission has been to live out HIS mission in hopes that the harder I worked to understand to know, that my heart would TRUST and know that HE is indeed WHO HE says HE is, that somehow... someway.... this pain would lessen..... sooner..... when the reality HIS truth is, that there is NO timeline........... ugh......... which leaves me desperately seeking JESUS for a count down of how many more nights I will have to endure this heartache, and soul crushing pain.  How many more days of sadness, anguish, and tears will be upon me..... come on JESUS, how many???  Seeking HIM, desperately seeking JESUS for ALL of my life's answers.  Not anyone else's just mine....as well I am a selfish human, and it's my pain.... and well grief is all consuming..... 

I wish so badly that I could write that HE has indeed answered my questions...... alas HE has not..... but that doesn't mean that I won't ever stop desperately seeking JESUS as I know each time I do, I find HIM even further into my FAITH than I did before.  Which each venture into the unknown, and TRUSTING HIM, HE is building me stronger, making me brave, and building the tenacity in me to teach others how to live their own lives desperately seeking JESUS.  

I know there is a purpose, HIS true purpose for my pain. I know that I am going to be a bus driver someday, when HE equips me with ALL the tools I am going to need. I know HE has amazing plans for my life, and I know that even on the days where my soul is downcast, and my spirit is crushed, and I can't even hold my head up..... I know, I TRUST HIS word that HE is there, and when I'm ready HIS anchor will lead me straight back into HIS arms, where HE will set me firmly on my feet, works boots on, ready to work, ready to run..... until then, I seek and find solace, comfort and rest in HIM.

My Dear Brothers and Sister in CHRIST JESUS, in CHRIST alone my hope is found, and I pray that is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE is where my comfort and peace live, and I pray this is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE my TRUST is found, and I pray this is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE I know TRUE FREEDOM awaits from ALL of this sorrow, sadness, anguish, and pain, and I pray that is the same for you today.  In all of your life's circumstances I pray that you will have the courage to be desperately seeking JESUS.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

In HIS loving embrace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather 

no not one.......

For the past month I have been battling what I believed, and now know to be a spiritual attack.  HE had placed something heavy on my heart two years ago, that is now coming to fruition, and frankly the enemy can't stand it.  I didn't realize just how far HE would go, as the enemy stepped in to take me down.  This morning however HE has proven to me again that I, Heather am indeed HIS BELOVED, and that means that I am covered, I am CHOSEN, I am protected, I am loved, I am protected, I am blessed, and I can do what it is that HE has called me to do.

"But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children" Psalm 103:17

Oh how I wish I could have seen all of this a month ago, and a lot of heartache, fear, pain, and tears could have been avoided.  However, since it has been well established that I am indeed a slooooow learner, that is not the case.  I am however, incredibly thankful that HE has captured my heart, and attention once again to put me back on track, back on HIS path to complete HIS mission that HE has set forth in my life. 

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." Acts 20:24

Late last night I called my Mama for prayer, I shared with her my fears, and my heart, and I asked her to pray with me for grace to know how to deal with, and handle the attacks that were happening in my life.  She said, you will find it, HE will give it to you.  Feeling defeated, I went to bed, feeling the lowest, and the most scared I have been a quite some time.  I prayed LORD JESUS come, help me, protect me, build me strong, and please give me peaceful rest.

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety" Psalm 4:8

Rest indeed, HE gave to me, but all too quickly HE woke me up just before 5 am with an urgency building deep within me to PRAY.  Not just pray for the day, but PRAY for what has been happening, and what it all means.  Well since I am a sloooooow learner, and at times..... listener, I picked up my phone, and pulled up instagram.  I, Heather decided to look at pictures, rather then really listen to what HE was telling me...... and that is when I walked straight into HIS loving arms, as HE began to pour HIS TRUTH into me.  Through a dear soul sisters blog all about perception HE poured out HIS love onto me, and through me, and gave me the courage to listen to HIS voice, to heed what HE was telling me, and with that HE led me straight to my computer to send out invites to my home to invite the women that HE has specifically CHOSEN to be in my life.  HE led me to STEP out, and STEP up in Courageous FAITH with expectancy to do what HE has called me to do.

" For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

When my family and I began to PRAY about our forever home I PRAYED specifically that our home would be a place of fellowship, that WHOEVER, WHENEVER a person would be brought to our doorstep, they would be welcomed in..... after all this is HIS house...... okay to be honest this next part makes me cringe as I can now SEE how I have fallen straight into the trap that the enemy has set.  

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2

"Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:13

"Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." 1 Peter 4:9

In my prayer, and well all of my prayers, I think I have prayed in such a way where it's as if though I'm saying, "okay GOD I prayed, now YOU move this mountain, and send this HUGE lightening bolt out of the sky so I will SEE ALL that YOU are doing.  SHOUT out to me, Hey Heather this is WHO I'm sending to you, and here's a list of things I want you to do........"   *Sigh* when will I ever learn?

The reality of the situation, my current situation is this.... I am completely oblivious as to what HE is doing WHO HE is sending, and when they are coming.  I am oblivious to the fact that this is NOT my plan, rather this is HIS plan.  This is HIS mission, and NOT for me to figure out, but rather to go when called.  This is a HUGE revelation for me, because now that means that I don't need to worry about why, when, or where, I must TRUST HIM that HE is already in the details of every single step of this journey.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

So herein lies my problem..... I fail to recognize, and remember HIS word, HIS promises, as I allow myself to be trapped, wrapped up, and caught up in the web of lies my enemy has spun.  Hook line and sinker I am captured daily and thrown into a pit of despair.  It doesn't matter how much I say HIS word, soak in it, I am captured, tricked, and fooled into believing the twisted truth of WHO HE is.  

"Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction." 2 Thessalonians 2:3

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Today however is a NEW DAY!!!! Yes that's right friends, A NEW DAY FULL OF REVELATIONS, REMINDERS, and PROMISES of WHO HE is.   Today HE is taking me straight into HIS word to get right to the matters of my heart, and showing me what I have forgotten in ALL of this.  Today HE has captured my heart and attention, and has been pouring HIS truth into my heart all morning.

"As for God, his way is perfect:The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:2

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:20

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Once again HE is telling me, not even reminding me, but telling me to remember that HE is THE GREAT I AM!!!  This means that there will NEVER be a GREATER ONE than HE!!!  HE is telling me that it is VITAL, IMPERATIVE, that I understand this, breathe it in, soak in it, meditate on this very truth that HE is indeed THE GREAT I AM, and though many have "tried" ALL have failed to be GREATER than HE is.

"God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelite's: ‘I am has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelite's, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’ “This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation." Exodus 3:14-15

In knowing that HE is THE GREAT I AM, HE is also telling me I must remember, speak, and know that HE is THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD.  This means that the darkness, that loom's, and gloom's around in my life and the lives of other's, HIS light is always SHINING BRIGHTLY, and when I look to HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on this journey, HIS mission, HIS light will NOT only SHINE on me, but in me and through me, and NOT even one ounce of my enemies darkness can touch me.  

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

HE is building in me the confidence to know and LIVE with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE is for me and NOT against me.  HE is letting me know that HE will NEVER place me in harms way, and that is just a lie that my enemy has spun to "try" to keep HIS best from me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE didn't bring me into this particular home, and neighborhood to hurt me, or hurt my family.  Rather HE brought me here, brought us here to BE HIS LIGHT.  To love as HE loves, to speak HIS words, and LIVE out HIS TRUTH.  To go when called, to share HIS good news, as HIS messenger of HOPE that HE is indeed THE GREAT I AM, and that NO ONE, no not one could EVER be greater than HE is.  To be HIS ambassador to share my story to encourage, BOLDLY, and COURAGEOUSLY WHO HE is, what HE has done, and will continue to do in my life, for me, in me, and through me.  To be apart of HIS GREAT MISSION to reach the last, the least, and the lost so that the lost souls of WHOM I encounter will be reconciled back to HIM.  All because I was BRAVE enough to answer The GREAT I AM'S calling CHOSEN and written specifically for me.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Today I declare that I am indeed BLESSED because ALL of my FAITH, HOPE, and TRUST is found in ONLY HIM.  I am BLESSED because HE ins the ONE WHO has taken the time to build in me a BOLD and COURAGEOUS heart to BE HIS light, and HIS hands and feet.  I am BLESSED because I am HIS, and I know, and am living out HIS TRUTH every single day that HE is indeed THE GREAT I AM, and no matter what traps may be set, so matter what my enemy may "try" to do to me, I can walk, I can STEP with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that though many have tried, are trying, and will try, NO ONE, NO NOT ONE will EVER be able to take me away from HIM, or loosen HIS grasp on me.  I am safe, I am HIS, I am loved, HE is THE GREAT I AM.

"“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  friends I pray today for courage for your hearts! In JESUS name I pray for bondage's and agreements to be REBUKED in JESUS NAME!!!! I pray that you will know HE is for you and NOT against you.  I pray that you will have the courage to seek, repent, and accept HIM as LORD of your life.  To seek HIM to teach, lead, and guide you on your journey, as HE leads you to do your part, to apart of HIS mission in this world.  I pray for HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE to poured over you, in you, and through you, to do what HE has called you to do.  I pray that you will know that no matter how hard the storms are raging in your life, NOTHING NOT NOT ONE can ever, or could EVER overtake HIM as HE is THE GREAT I AM.

always in love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

trapped

The further in walk in this journey with HIM, the more I am aware of what I am doing wrong.  What I mean is, the more I'm made aware of the mistakes that I am allowing to become my TRUTH in my walk with HIM.  Lately I've been struggling with loving difficult people.  Not that I can't be nice to them, but behind closed doors, and more importantly in my heart, I've struggled with keeping right thoughts, pure thoughts, and loving thoughts.  I have struggled immensely with this because honestly I'm all out of nice sometimes, especially when the same person or persons continually offend, upset, and hurt either myself or someone I care about.   

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

This morning I woke up at 4:30 a.m. feeling HIM tugging at my heart strings in speaking straight to my heart about how lately I have allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle of hurt, anger, offense, animosity, negativity, which only deepens the level of unforgiveness in my heart.   Knowing this pans me, as I truly do want, wish, and desire to have a clean heart.  A heart that loves just as HE loves, and more importantly a heart that is just as forgiving as HIS is to me.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

Sadly, even in my wants, wishes, and desires, one things remains...... I'm human.  Hi, I'm Heather and in case we haven't met, I'm human, I laugh, I cry, I feel, I hurt, I scream, I vent, I harbor unforgiveness, I sin, I lie, in short...... I'm a complete and total hott mess.   Try as I may, wish as I may, desire as I may, I fall short EVERY single time, and through each fall, HE catches me, sets me back up right ready to try again.

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

HE is SOVEREIGN, HE is FAITHFUL, HE is TRUSTWORTHY, and even in knowing all of that, I, Heather am still human.  So badly I want and desire to BE just like HIM, so that whenever I am "feeling" hurt, offended, shamed, sad, angry, upset etc.  I want so desperately to be able to TRUST HIM, and remember that even though the storms are raging and battles are being waged, I must remember that I am HIS, and HE is already fought for me, as my story has already been written,   I must remember that in order to conquer the difficulties that this life has in store for me, I must remember that my eyes need to be focused solely on HIM, and NOT on my "feelings" as that is how I become trapped.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5

I have learned while on this journey towards wholeness with HIM that the harder I lean in, press in, meditate on, soak in HIS word, the harder the enemy comes after me.  So much that no matter how far I come in my thinking, being, and doing more like HIM, I still get caught up, wrapped up, in the vicious cycle of being trapped.  I have learned that the reason HE has impressed so deeply upon my heart the utmost importance of keeping my eyes, ears, heart, and mind focused on HIM, is so I will be able to not only survive, but conquer the tests trials and storms that HE has designed specifically in my life to build me stronger, and the enemy is hoping will wipe me out.

"Be alert and of sober mind.Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Today as I journaled, and poured my heart out to HIM, I couldn't help but to feel defeated.  In writing out my words to HIM, I knew that HE already knew, and was just waiting for me to admit to those feelings of defeat, so that HE could speak HIS truth where the lies were, and so that I could give my mind a rest from all the attacks that have been placed upon me lately.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

The more I rested in HIM, the harder I fell in defeat, as I realized just how trapped I have allowed myself to become in this vicious cycle that is causing me to be overly emotional about anything and everything.  I can tell you that even just a look of disapproval, or one word of negativity, judgment, or anger can push me right over the edge.  

"“In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26

It used to be that whenever I would be pushed over the edge, I would lash out to the person.  I would speak horrible things to them, and would put them down, as I felt the need to protect and defend myself.  These days however I don't lash out at anyone, I keep it all inside, until I'm ready to explode, and when I do, words...... ugh....... words of negativity, cursing, anger, hurt, animosity, unforgiveness, hatred..... ugh words.... that speak death and NOT life..... coming pouring out of me..... thus throwing me deeper into the pit of despair and defeat thus keeping HIS TRUTH from me.

'The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21

Loving difficult people has become one of my greatest challenges.  As everywhere I go I encounter someone WHO is difficult.  There are days where I have just had enough, and I find myself begging HIM to please make it so that ANY and ALL difficult people stay away from me, as I don't have the energy, time or desire to love them......... YIKES!!!! Just writing out my true feelings is tough, as this is NOT WHO HE has created me to be. So today I'm asking myself the difficult question, of which HE has placed on my heart.

Why is it that you can love nice people, and not difficult people?  

~ I can love nice people, because they aren't offending me, or hurting me, they aren't judging me and making me feel bad about myself. Nice people tend to tell me ALL the things I want to hear.....

HE is reminding me this morning that I'm not exactly a sunshine filled walk in the park kind of day at times either.  HE is telling me that even though I may be difficult, rather when I am difficult, HE still loves me, and HE desires more than anything to set me free from the prison of lies the enemy has worked so hard in keeping me trapped in.  HE is reminding me that no matter how many times I sin, HE forgives me, even when I don't realize I'm sinning.  HE is reminding me that HE gives me ample opportunities to SEE to know to grow in HIM, that I am able to recognize when I am sinning.  HE is telling me this is because HE loves me, even when I'm difficult.

"“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

Today HE has captured my heart and attention and has been filling me with HIS word, as HE knows that the only way to be set free is to speak HIS TRUTH.  HE is wanting me to know that it isn't a part of the plan for me to continue living in this way.  HE is telling me that HE has instilled in me HIS power and authority to FIGHT against the enemy and HIS evil schemes.  Today HE is opening my eyes, my ears, my heart, and my mind to SEE difficult people as HE SEES them.  Today HE is lovingly reminding me that every single person that my eyes SEE, HE deeply loves them.  This means that HE loves even the people WHOM I walk away from, distance myself from, guard myself from, and hide myself from.  HE loves them, just as HE loves me.

" I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." Luke 10:19

HE is reminding me that is WHY HE has impressed so deeply upon my heart that I am to LOVE people, to BE HIS light, to SHINE HIS light, for the broken people of this world.  To BE HIS ambassador, to lead people, by choosing to speak HIS TRUTH, speak LIFE into this dark and fallen world that is so FULL of the last, the least, and the lost.  Today HE is reminding me of how I used to think, speak, and act, and is wanting me to know that if I am worth saving, then so is everyone else.

"We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

Today HE is telling me NOT to be discouraged when someone difficult walks into my path, rather lean in , press into HIM, TRUST HIM, and know that HE already has everything worked out for HIS good.  TRUST and know that HE doesn't set me up for a fall, that HE is for me.  TRUST HIM that even when I fall, HE is there to catch me, to build me, to pour HIS strength into me, so that HIS good will prevail, and evil will be destroyed.  Today HE is wanting me to remember that when I am feeling defeated, I must seek HIM, come to HIM for rest, repent of my sins, and TRUST and know that through HIS forgiveness to me, is how HE will teach me to do the same to people WHO have done the same thing to me.

" The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, friends, I know how hard it is to live in this world where people feel as if though they have the right to think, say, and do whatever they feel like no matter how hurtful, wrong, or offensive they may be.  I pray that if you too are hurting today from failing to love difficult people, know that you are NOT alone.  HE is there, HE is with you, and when you seek HIM, you will find REST in HIM, and HE will pour HIS strength into you to help you deal, cope, and manage the difficulties that have been placed in your life.  I pray today that you will have the courage to let go of your humanness, and seek HIS TRUTH so that you too will be set free from your own pit of despair that has you trapped.

Always in love and prayers, with much grace and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather 

wait for it......

Yesterday while driving to the store with my oldest daughter we began talking about yesterday's blog.  I shared with her all that was on my heart about how I am called to LIVE this life that we have been given, and how I must remember to remain calm, no matter what the circumstances are in my life, as HE already has ALL the details worked out.   I must keep my focus on HIM, and do ALL things for HIS glory, and NOT my own.  

"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart;consider what great things he has done for you." 1 Samuel 12:24

The more we talked, and shared, and laughed, and cringed at our past failures and mistakes, the more I felt this prompting to let me know that surely a test would be up ahead waiting for me.  When we arrived at the store, (our favorite) Hobby Lobby, we were enthralled with EVERYTHING that we saw.  We began dreaming, planning the new little one's nursery, and decorating our new home even more, and ahhhh, a girls dream to just walk the isles dream, silently pray the desires of your heart, such an amazing time spent together as Mama and Daughter.  

"Taste and see that the Lord is good;  blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

We ended up getting so really awesome clearance items, two of which I had really been wanting over the years, but didn't really care to spend the money on.  The third item was for my teens room, that went along with the theme of their room.  I spent less than twenty dollars on three large wall hangings, and was feeling so incredibly loved and blessed.

As we walked out to my truck, we were only driving a short distance to the next store, and I told my teen I would pick her up as she took the cart back.  I quickly hopped up in my truck, and tried starting the truck.  Hmmmm...... weird, I don't remember leaving any lights on, wait, the lights are working, in fact I have power... I have power windows, those work, hmmmm, is this a dead battery?  Meanwhile my teen is standing there waiting to be picked up.  Seeing me on the phone she walks over shaking her head saying, "oh no not again." (that's another story of  HIS amazing provision)

I called D, and he didn't answer. I looked around wondering what we could possibly do, and saw we were parked right next to an auto parts/service store.  I walked in and asked if they could possibly give my truck a jump, and they agreed.  Within two minutes an employee met us at the truck, and hooked up the charger to the battery.  He told me to go ahead and start it.  Nothing...... well except for ALL the lights working, windows working, and hey come to think of it, this is NOTHING like the last time, where the truck was at least "trying" to turn over. 

Feeling perplexed as to what could have possibly happened, I got out to tell him that it wouldn't turn over.  He looked at me and said, well this is NOT good news, and well to be honest, it's $90 for a diagnostics test, and then they would be able to tell me whats wrong, quote me a price and go from there.  UGH.... thoughts rolled through my mind ALL that we had planned for the weekend, and how suddenly those plans seemed as if though would be impossible to keep. 

NOT wanting to give into my emotions, girl emotions, pregnancy emotions, I tried calling D once again.  I told him our problem, and he said he would be there shortly.  When he arrived, he walked up to my truck and said, "whats up, tell me what happened?  Tell me what it's doing..."  He was so calm, cool and collected.... all traits of which I used to secretly hate, as in my thinking of "why doesn't he ever freak out?  Lose it?  How can he be calm, we're in a crisis here!!!!  WHY LORD is he NOT panicking?!?!?"  Totally rational thinking right???  

"Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end." Proverbs 29:11

"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." Proverbs 25:28

After about 45 min and a check list later, D climbed back into the truck, and said, "let me try something....."  with that he made sure the truck was completely shifted into park, and........ wait for it...... it started right up!!!!  When he told me what he did, ALL I could do was laugh..... well it was either that or cry, and well I just decided that laughter would be so much easier to do then get all emotional, cry, and ruin my beautiful makeup that I had on for the day.  Not too mention that lately HE is humbling me at every turn, in teaching, leading, and guiding me how NOT to take myself so seriously, but rather laugh, and be humbled that NOT everything I do is going to be good and perfect.  HE is wanting me to know that it's okay to NOT have ALL the answers, as NO worries, HE does, HE has ALL of them, as HE is the ONE WHO is SOVEREIGN.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

"Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Deuteronomy 3:24

I looked at him with all the love in my heart, and thanked him profusely for saving us, not only in getting the truck going, but also in saving us a TON of money that I would have otherwise had to spend, as I wouldn't have known how to diagnose anything myself.  He smiled, and said, I had a feeling that's what it might be, but forgot about it once I got here, but in the end remembered that it might actually be the problem.  He hugged me, kissed me and told me he would see me at home.

Feeling so incredibly relieved, I PRAISED HIM, and thanked HIM for my calm, cool, collected husband, WHO doesn't freak out, get upset, scream, throw blame, ugh.... okay I'm done describing that..... my point is I PRAISED HIM for blessing me with such an awesome and amazingly strong husband who DOESN'T crack under pressure.  Unlike me who is notoriously known as the freak out queen.

As we drove home, I couldn't stop laughing, and neither could my daughter.  However, it wasn't too far into our drive home, I heard HIM speak straight to my heart, 

"I'm with you always, I'm always there to help you.  You never need to worry about whether or not I am present in your time of need or trouble.  I'm always with you."  

Words, HIS words so comforting to my racing heart, that reassured me that I did indeed pass the test of remaining calm, and NOT worrying.  HE reminded me of what I said to my daughter when panic began to rise in her about how much fixing our truck would cost.  HE reminding me of my exact words to her.  "If the truck needs to be fixed, I'm not going to worry about the cost, as HE is already in the details of everything.  Even if  its $300 HE is going to provide.  Panicking, and freaking out isn't going to any good, and I REFUSE to get ALL emotional about this."  Playing back my words to me, HE let me know that HE delighted in me that I stayed calm.  HE let me know that I did what HE had impressed so heavily on my heart yesterday morning about not worrying, and how I was truly understanding what wait for it really meant for my life.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Though HE has been teaching me for so long about how HE is in ALL the details of my life, I still forget, and NEED to be reminded that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.  HE is telling me that I must NEVER forget that this life is going to be series of tests, as that is how HE grows me, and stretches me to become the me HE has created me to BE.  HE is wanting me to know that I must keep my heart, mind, and eyes focused on only HIM so that I won't be blindsided by whatever test may be waiting for me on this path.  

"Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming." 1 Peter 1:13

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

HE is impressing deeply upon my heart of HIS true intentions, HIS plans, HIS purpose for my life to NEVER have to worry about this journey that I am on, as HE is always with me.  HE is telling me that HE has always intended for me to know and understand that I am able to walk this journey with HIM, as HE has made it a peaceful, peace filled path for me to walk.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

I wish I could say that I have always believed that, however in the past almost nine months, I have learned that is most definitely true.  Though HIS peaceful, peace filled path didn't mean that heartbreak, sorrow, sadness, and pain would be absent, it meant that when life became too much, too unbearable, and when I couldn't even hold my head up anymore, let along stand, HE was there.  HE carried me, HE flooded me with HIS grace,and drenched me with HIS peace.  On the days where I felt led, HE poured HIS strength into me to stand, to fight, to run, to speak, to LIVE.  

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

In the past thirteen years my journey has been a series of tests of wait for it.  I can look back on ALL that HE has done for me in the past, and how just when I thought things couldn't possibly EVER get better, or my heart could possibly be healed by the heartache I felt, HE was there, showering me with HIS relentless LOVE for me.  When the world was telling me that it was okay to be angry, bitter, and unforgiving, HE was telling me that with HIM, and through HIM HE would take away ALL of my anger, all of my bitterness, and would create in me a forgiving heart. 

" Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

Lately I have become increasingly heartbroken at the ways of this world, as I am truly living out the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"  "Hosanna" by Hillsong United

With each day passing my heart aches and longs for HIM, and in my prayers I plea for HIM to please come back.  The more I read, and hear about this broken and fallen world, the more I seek HIM, HIS face, HIS love, HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS forgiveness, HIS guidance, HIS wisdom, HIS discernment, HIS vision, basically EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that HE has, to SEE people, I want that, I need that, I crave that, I seek that.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

Though I may not always understand HIS ways, HIS plans, I TRUST them, because HE has proven to me time and again that HE is completely TRUSTWORTHY.  As I sit here in my office this morning while my family is all sound asleep, and my sweet little baby kicks in my womb, I am reminded of HIS goodness.  I am reminded that NOT so long ago, I was staring at a wall as I sat in my office, with tears streaming down my face, as every day I could still hear the screams, the sirens the cries of that day.  I could still hearing the footsteps running, and feel the rain on my face, and the mud, and rain on my feet.  I couldn't walk in my house, or out of my house without be reminded of the worst day of our lives and just how broken and shattered we all were.  My children all struggled to sleep at night, and every night as soon as my feet hit the first step, dread was felt..... the dread of walking up the stairs, turning to the right, and walking down the hall. Having to pass Seth's lifeless, unused room..... heartbreak was felt, tears fell like rain, and sorrow ran so deep I didn't know how I could possibly survive another day.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Then HIS plans for our family came to life, they became our reality, our time of suffering would be changing, though still mourning, GOODNESS would be poured over us and into us.  The news of a new home, and a new precious little life would be spoken deep into our hearts.  Now as I sit in my office, and look around, I am reminded of just how much HE loves us.  All because we TRUSTED HIM< and we learned the value of wait for it...... of wait to SEE ALL the GOOD that HE is doing, and will do even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.   HIS promises came true for our family, for my life for my journey, that we, I, Heather could most definitely TRUST in HIM that HE was doing a good thing, and that I, Heather would SEE HIS goodness in the land of the living.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord  in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

Today instead of getting worked up, upset, and freaked out when the I find myself having to be back in the waves, I will remember that HE is the creator of those waves, HE'S got me, and if I just remember to wait for it.... HE will rescue me, HE will LIGHT HIS peaceful, peace filled path that I am to walk.  HE will give me the strength to face whatever it is that comes onto HIS path, and HE will give me the courage to stand, be still..... and wait for HIM.

"He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:26

"You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds,  God our Savior,the hope of all the ends of the earth  and of the farthest seas, who formed the mountains by your power,  having armed yourself with strength,  who stilled the roaring of the seas,  the roaring of their waves,  and the turmoil of the nations.  The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;  where morning dawns, where evening fades,  you call forth songs of joy."  Psalm 65:5-8 

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh my friends, I know how badly your hearts hurt at the trials, struggles, and storms that you have endured.  I promise dear ones if you let HIM, HE will show you and prove to you that you are NEVER alone in any of it.  I pray that if you have had the courage to take heart and know that HE is in the details of your life, I pray that you will also have the courage to wait for it, and wait for HIM to make all the wrong in your life, right.  I pray that you will know that growing isn't without pains, but dear friends, know that those pains have a purpose, HIS purpose to grow you strong, to endure, to walk, to run, to stand, to fight, to LIVE.  I pray today you will know that HE has an amazing plan for your life, and all HE needs you to do is wait for HIM.

"“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you" Jeremiah 32:17

Always with so much love, compassion, prayers, grace and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather