Months....... of silence...... here on the blog........ my heart........ my mind......... peaceful...... restful..... but mostly fearful, fear filled, and fear fueled silence.......... until....... a faint familiar awakening deep inside my soul was felt. After months of wondering.... crying.... praying.... that I would, or could ever hear from HIM again..... truthfully giving into pure defeat that I was shattered, broken, and would never, nor could I ever be the same again.
A new attitude of I'm just going to survive each day the only way I know how, avoidance. To which led to staying home from anything and everything. Which led to not really living, but merely surviving even within the walls of my home. Even within the walls of my heart...... afraid..... fearful to ever TRUST HIM fully with my heart ever again.
Until...... HE pursued my heart and mind so intently in the only way I could possibly hear HIM above the deafening silence of fear through HIS amazing blessing of songs. Hearing HIM as I sat with my almost three month old precious daughter Joy listening to music to calm her, a song, one of which I had never heard before came on. The lyrics spoke so deeply to my heart of a time where all I could so was beg and plead for HIM to do.
HIS Daily Teachings is simply me sharing my thoughts of my journey with HIM, through songs that HE has lovingly placed in my heart. The first song being one I heard for the first time this morning. Upon hearing it, I grabbed my new journal with a cover that reads "Life is short ENJOY the journey" and wrote what it meant to me.
"Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With everyone it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
LORD JESUS ~ from the moment of 4pm on October 13,2014 a part of me died. A piece of me went to Heaven with You. My arms ached, my heart and soul bled..... I begged and pleaded and cried out to you desperately in sheer agony to PLEASE wake me up from this horrendously.... horrific.... unbearable..... living nightmare. Slowly and surely in YOUR timing I was awoken by YOUR Joy in the Heartache. Precious Joy Abigail has awoken a part of me that I thought had died. YOU LORD have awoken me to this journey, by showing me the journey I've been on, showing me all the steps I have taken with you, all of which have been needed in order to continue this journey with you <3
"Let it Hurt" by Rascal Flatts
So let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want, but it's what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do it's work
And let it hurt
LORD JESUS ~ after months of the most intense unimaginable heartache, and excruciating agony and pain...... a loss so unimaginable :'( Months of missing... hurting.... longing..... NOTHING I did, or anything anyone said helped.... I learned I had to just let go... and let it hurt.... Through immense feelings of sorrow, sadness, pain, and pure agony..... the much needed at the time time blessing of numbness and shock began to wear off.... in letting go and letting it hurt, YOUR love, TRUE LOVE came in and rescued me <3
"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts
Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye
LORD JESUS ~ the first few months I relived every single second of that day starting at 5:45 a.m. every single Monday. Reliving the last moments with sweet Sethie.... every Monday my tears fell like rain, and pooled as oceans at my feet. YOU were there LORD as I felt as though I were drowning in immense sorrow :'( never ever in my life had I felt more helpless, lost, broken as I was being tortured of the sounds, sights, and memories of that devastatingly tragic day. Tortured as in my memory began to replay over in my mind all that happened... finding Seth.... screaming...... collapsing........ crying out to YOU..... OH GOD OH GOD... I know YOU cried in that moment as the rain was falling on my face right there in the driveway in the mud.... in the rain...... in my socks....... YOU sent YOUR loving arms to me in that next moment through the kindness of that female police officer even calling me Mama <3 Reliving the hardest most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to do was draining me, and when I couldn't do it anymore on my own, I let go and YOU moved in, and loving held me up as I began to take the much needed steps towards acceptance and embrace <3 The journey to acceptance and embrace came because of YOUR loving STEADFAST embrace <3
"Forever" by Rascal Flatts
Sometimes I get so mad, I scream, I swear at this
cause this isn't how we planned it.
I sit here in a cold room
prayin', waitin' on you,
to run back through that door,
to the way it was before
you left
LORD JESUS ~ it wasn't long enough..... our time.... my time being Seth's Mama here on Earth..... wasn't long enough..... how LORD????? Violent, sorrow filled tears flooded my eyes each time I listened to these lyrics. Staring at the walls of my office.... shattered..... how????? YOU LORD knew... YOU knew that though our time with Seth would be short, it would be memorable. LORD I was so mad at you, I yelled at YOU, I cursed YOU, I shook my fist at YOU, I hid from YOU..... I hated you..... and through it all you LOVED me <3 YOU knew LORD, YOU knew the break through YOU had planned for me <3 YOU knew <3 I cling to my sweet memories of Seth, and I hold tight to YOUR promises that in the end we will all end up in forever <3 with YOU and our precious Seth Daniel <3
"I will not say goodbye" by Danny Gokey
Sometimes your world just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
And I don't wanna feel better
And I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying,
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
And I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will curse, I will pray, I will re-live everyday
I will show through the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
LORD JESUS ~ only YOU LORD know and understand what this was like for me to go through these feelings. Feelings of utter disbelief shock.... which eventually became anger after months of staring at the walls..... tears falling.... no longer caring to wipe them away...not wanting to feel better.... or forget anything..... even though it hurts like hell..... holding tight to every single memory.... even the worst of them..... time wasn't my friend... oh how I hated time.... oh how I hated a new day.... a new week..... I loathed Mondays.... I loathed happy people..... smiling people.... oblivious living people.... I hate this awful club.... I REFUSED to embrace or accept ANYTHING. My heart was shattered into a gazillion pieces.... these days however through YOUR amazing grace, and endless peace I still remember with tears at times.... but more often with smiles and laughter because of WHO Seth is <3
"Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey
You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
A new attitude of I'm just going to survive each day the only way I know how, avoidance. To which led to staying home from anything and everything. Which led to not really living, but merely surviving even within the walls of my home. Even within the walls of my heart...... afraid..... fearful to ever TRUST HIM fully with my heart ever again.
Until...... HE pursued my heart and mind so intently in the only way I could possibly hear HIM above the deafening silence of fear through HIS amazing blessing of songs. Hearing HIM as I sat with my almost three month old precious daughter Joy listening to music to calm her, a song, one of which I had never heard before came on. The lyrics spoke so deeply to my heart of a time where all I could so was beg and plead for HIM to do.
HIS Daily Teachings is simply me sharing my thoughts of my journey with HIM, through songs that HE has lovingly placed in my heart. The first song being one I heard for the first time this morning. Upon hearing it, I grabbed my new journal with a cover that reads "Life is short ENJOY the journey" and wrote what it meant to me.
"Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With everyone it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
LORD JESUS ~ from the moment of 4pm on October 13,2014 a part of me died. A piece of me went to Heaven with You. My arms ached, my heart and soul bled..... I begged and pleaded and cried out to you desperately in sheer agony to PLEASE wake me up from this horrendously.... horrific.... unbearable..... living nightmare. Slowly and surely in YOUR timing I was awoken by YOUR Joy in the Heartache. Precious Joy Abigail has awoken a part of me that I thought had died. YOU LORD have awoken me to this journey, by showing me the journey I've been on, showing me all the steps I have taken with you, all of which have been needed in order to continue this journey with you <3
"Let it Hurt" by Rascal Flatts
So let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want, but it's what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do it's work
And let it hurt
LORD JESUS ~ after months of the most intense unimaginable heartache, and excruciating agony and pain...... a loss so unimaginable :'( Months of missing... hurting.... longing..... NOTHING I did, or anything anyone said helped.... I learned I had to just let go... and let it hurt.... Through immense feelings of sorrow, sadness, pain, and pure agony..... the much needed at the time time blessing of numbness and shock began to wear off.... in letting go and letting it hurt, YOUR love, TRUE LOVE came in and rescued me <3
"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts
Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye
LORD JESUS ~ the first few months I relived every single second of that day starting at 5:45 a.m. every single Monday. Reliving the last moments with sweet Sethie.... every Monday my tears fell like rain, and pooled as oceans at my feet. YOU were there LORD as I felt as though I were drowning in immense sorrow :'( never ever in my life had I felt more helpless, lost, broken as I was being tortured of the sounds, sights, and memories of that devastatingly tragic day. Tortured as in my memory began to replay over in my mind all that happened... finding Seth.... screaming...... collapsing........ crying out to YOU..... OH GOD OH GOD... I know YOU cried in that moment as the rain was falling on my face right there in the driveway in the mud.... in the rain...... in my socks....... YOU sent YOUR loving arms to me in that next moment through the kindness of that female police officer even calling me Mama <3 Reliving the hardest most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to do was draining me, and when I couldn't do it anymore on my own, I let go and YOU moved in, and loving held me up as I began to take the much needed steps towards acceptance and embrace <3 The journey to acceptance and embrace came because of YOUR loving STEADFAST embrace <3
"Forever" by Rascal Flatts
Sometimes I get so mad, I scream, I swear at this
cause this isn't how we planned it.
I sit here in a cold room
prayin', waitin' on you,
to run back through that door,
to the way it was before
you left
LORD JESUS ~ it wasn't long enough..... our time.... my time being Seth's Mama here on Earth..... wasn't long enough..... how LORD????? Violent, sorrow filled tears flooded my eyes each time I listened to these lyrics. Staring at the walls of my office.... shattered..... how????? YOU LORD knew... YOU knew that though our time with Seth would be short, it would be memorable. LORD I was so mad at you, I yelled at YOU, I cursed YOU, I shook my fist at YOU, I hid from YOU..... I hated you..... and through it all you LOVED me <3 YOU knew LORD, YOU knew the break through YOU had planned for me <3 YOU knew <3 I cling to my sweet memories of Seth, and I hold tight to YOUR promises that in the end we will all end up in forever <3 with YOU and our precious Seth Daniel <3
"I will not say goodbye" by Danny Gokey
Sometimes your world just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on
And I don't wanna feel better
And I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying,
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone
And I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye
I will curse, I will pray, I will re-live everyday
I will show through the blame
I'll shout out your name
I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
LORD JESUS ~ only YOU LORD know and understand what this was like for me to go through these feelings. Feelings of utter disbelief shock.... which eventually became anger after months of staring at the walls..... tears falling.... no longer caring to wipe them away...not wanting to feel better.... or forget anything..... even though it hurts like hell..... holding tight to every single memory.... even the worst of them..... time wasn't my friend... oh how I hated time.... oh how I hated a new day.... a new week..... I loathed Mondays.... I loathed happy people..... smiling people.... oblivious living people.... I hate this awful club.... I REFUSED to embrace or accept ANYTHING. My heart was shattered into a gazillion pieces.... these days however through YOUR amazing grace, and endless peace I still remember with tears at times.... but more often with smiles and laughter because of WHO Seth is <3
"Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey
You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again
LORD JESUS ~ always what I NEED right when I NEED it. Live again.... breathe again.... my story isn't over... YOU LORD, this I know and TRUST have amazing plans for my life <3 My chapter with Seth has ended, but a new chapter of HOPE has be born..... a new life of JOY in the Heartache has begun <3
It has been through my journey of letting go, and letting HIM lead me, in losing Seth, I have found HIS TRUE JOY in the Heartache <3
My dear sweet brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ it is my prayer today that my transparency in sharing with you my story, my journey will encourage you, and be LIVING proof to you of HIS Amazing GRACE, Unfailing LOVE, and Endless PEACE <3 I pray that if you are hurting you will have the courage to just look up, and know that even when you can't hold your head up, cry out to JESUS as HE truly does love and care for you <3
Always, in love and prayers,
Blessings,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
Heather
