when life happens....

"GOD didn't give us a spirit that is timid but one that is powerful, loving, and self-controlled." 2 Timothy 1:7

While setting up my desk in my room this morning, I came across this coffee cup of cards from a conference I attended six months before Seth passed.  It was during that conference that I felt alive, and finally free of so much of my past that had been weighing me down.  I felt confident, secure, and so sure that I had already been the lowest in life, so the only way was up for me.  How wrong, and foolish I had been, as I hadn't realized what my lowest in life was...... that is until life happened.

The six months leading up to Seth's death was full of so many transformations, blessings, and restorations between myself and those that I love.  I was truly letting go, and letting HIM lead me to do the things that HE wanted me to.  Not that I always "felt" like doing them, yet I knew a fire burned so intensely deep within, and I knew that HE was in control and the steps that HE was asking me to take, and every challenge, trial, test, and storm was for my own good.

It's been three years since I took those steps of FAITH and leaped when HE called me to, and looking back on that time in my life, I realized that was HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that planted a seed in me, that when life happens..... it was HIS voice calling deep into my shattered heart, "HOLD ON DEAR HEART.... I AM WITH YOU."

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" Psalm 91:4

HIS Daily Teachings today is taken me back through the most horrendous season of my life.  The time where grief consumed, and fear often led, and my emotions took over.  A time where everywhere I looked all I could see was how much we lost, that I couldn't even see the blessings that were being poured over me, into me, and through me.  I lost sight of WHO HE IS in me, and I forgot how HIS POWER was in me to be fearless, powerful, confident, and would enable me to remain self-controlled.

This morning HE is wanting me to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and BE ready for the day ahead.  Not that I will be in control of life, however I will be in control of myself when life happens.  HE is reminding me of all the times before when HE led me through dark waters in my life, that I was able to stay calm, and know that HE had amazing plans for my life. 

In the need to be so transparent, as I feel I have a responsibility to share just how dark my world had become in the loss of my son, I need to tell you how I began to think that my life was cursed.  That the enemy had more power over me, that HIS power in me.  I even began to speak those words out loud, and slowly but surely it began to change me.

However, because HE loves me too much to let me fall, and believe the lies of the one who hates me the most, HE kept calling to the deepest part of me.... "I'M WITH YOU, SEE MY LIGHT, HOLD ON DEAR HEART." Through HIS endless pursuit for me to TRUST HIM, HE would reveal that the enemy would love nothing more that to see me completely destroyed, and watch me give up, and leave this world by my own free will.  Thus robbing me of eternal life with HIM, ruining my chance to see my son once again.

Just reading those words about the enemy..... ohhh makes my blood boil.  I have come to understand what GOD'S anger is like, and how HE has instilled me HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER.  This anger is the driving force to LIVE the life that HE has planned for me.  This anger has filled me with HIS power to run, crawl, leap, jump, what ever I need to do to keep on this journey that HE has planned for me.  I long to hear, and I WILL hear at the end of my life, "well done good and faithful servant." I know that is my FUTURE, because HE holds my FUTURE. 

HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER has instilled in my the tenacity to keep going, as I haven't gone through all I've been through for nothing.  No matter what happens, I am going to keep going, I'm not giving up, and I running all the way to the end telling the world all about JESUS.  I am NOT going quietly, and I am NOT going alone, I'm bringing as many people as I can with me.  I will not HIDE HIS LIGHT, I WILL BE FEARLESS, I AM NOT TIMID, NOR SHY, I AM HIS BEAUTIFUL, CHOSEN, LIGHT-SHINER, WHO IS ROYAL IN HIS EYES!!! 

The empowerment I feel by HIM is life-breathing, and I'm so grateful that I'm in this place of contentment with knowing that I have started living my life once again.  It has been through HIS unconditional love, endless peace, and overwhelming grace.... I have survived, and am now beginning to THRIVE!!!

Child loss is unimaginable, it takes away pieces of you, and leaves you so broken, and makes you question everything you ever believed in.  The pain puts your FAITH in a vice grip, and it's all you can do is hold on.  Hold on and pray, and wait, and cry for the day where relief washes over you, as the life of agony that you have endured for so long, finally has color in it again.  Losing my son, has taught me that even those with the strongest of FAITH, deepest relationship with JESUS will fall..... and though we will fall, HIS hands will NEVER let go, and slowly through HIS timing and provision HE will lead us through the pain, the suffering, the agony, and the aching of longing to hold our children once again.  I have learned that I will always miss my son, I will cry for him, and long for the day to be reunited with him, but missing him will no longer destroy me, or negatively effect the way I respond to things when life happens.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

How my heart aches for each and everyone of us who knows this deep immense pain of loss, whether it be your child, brother, sister, mom, dad, anyone whom you've lost that has been your whole world, oh dear ones I pray for your heart right now.  This very moment I ask JESUS to comfort you, release the tears, and pour HIS peace into each of you.  I pray that though the pain won't ever go away, the agony will, and will allow you to see your own life through a colored lens once again.  Hold on Dear Ones, the darkness will NOT overcome, HE as already over come it with HIS light.  I pray that if you are in the darkest abyss of pain, I pray you will cry out to JESUS, and let HIM rescue you. 

Always, my dear brothers and sisters, always with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

unsteady.....

A question that I am often asked these days is how I got to be in the place where I am today in my FAITH, in my walk, in my journey, in this horrendous fog of grief.... filled with the most excrutiating pain I've ever known.  Honestly all I know is this:  HE has been with me every single step of the way. No matter how l lost or hopeless I felt, I knew HE was there, and all I had to do was hold on, and pray that HE kept holding onto me.  For months I clung to the lyrics "if you love me don't let go" "Unsteady" by the Ambassadors clinging to HIS promises that even if I felt myself slip from HIS grasp, HE would catch me, HE would hold me up in HIS mighty wings, and promised that ONE day I would be ABLE to stand once again, and eventually I would feel HIS guiding hands in mine, teaching me, leading me, and showing me that with HIS steady hands, HE would show my unsteady legs how to stand, walk, and eventually run.

What began as HIM teaching me to retrain my mind to think like HIM once again, I began a journey of rebuilding TRUST for HIM, and one of the first steps of trusting once again was with my daughter Joy.  For so long I was terrified to let myself fall so deeply in love with being her Mama.  I was beyond scared of losing again, and I "thought"  that if somehow I kept her at a distance, somehow, someway I would survive through her first two years.   Well all I can say is, "PRAISE JESUS for loving me FAR TOO MUCH to let me LIVE like that any longer than I did." 

HIS Daily Teachings today is leading me back to the moment where in learning to let my heart be open to be her Mama is how HE taught me that just as I was holding her as she began to take her first steps, HE was doing the same for me.  Even though I was unsteady, so was she, and all I had to do was remember HE was with both of us.  HIM pouring HIS strength into me that even though I was unsteady, HIS hands were steady, and just as she was unsteady, I held her hands until she was walking on her own.  Though she fell and stumbled in learning to walk, the same thing was happening to me, and rather than beating myself up about it, HE wanted me to SEE that HE has PURPOSE in EVERY single thing that HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to do.

So in case you're new to my blog, I've pretty well established that I am indeed a sloooooow learner, and even though HE has taught me, and I "thought" I "mastered" HIS teachings in my life, HE was there to show me as I foolishly fell for my own pride, and found myself coming undone once again in angst of how in the world could I possibly LIVE after surviving the hardest season of my life?

In being a sloooooow learner, HE had me start back at one.  Right thinking with Power Thoughts.  What was revealed to me in even the first few days, I realized that I had been living in a tremendously dark fog of grief.  The kind of grief where no one else could help me, only HIM.  The kind of grief that robbed me of any and all moments, or sliver of moments of JOY.  Feeling so fed up with crying, exhausted by the grief that consumed me, HE began to lead me on a journey of SEEING with HIS vision of all that I had endured, and was blinded by my grief to see that though I couldn't see them, there were people there for us, praying, as it was all they could do was lift us in prayer, storming heaven with plea's for peace for our family.

HIS vision revealed to me that no matter how much I felt wronged, or ignored, or uninvited, HE showed me the TRUE HEARTS of those who loved us, and how much it hurt them to know how much we were all still hurting, and how much they missed seeing HIS amazing spiritual gifts that each of us embodied.  HE began showing me how things looked from the other side, as HE took me through deep therapy, and treatment through medication to get my mind right, so my heart would soften to HIS word, HIS teachings, all through HIS relentless pursuit of me knowing HIM in a way that brought me into a deeper relationship with HIM, revealing to me WHO HE is, and WHO I am. 

In surviving the most horrific season of my life, I have learned that the ONLY one who could help me was JESUS.  Through HIM, HIS love, HIS constant, continuous, dedication to healing me just enough to get through a little more each day..... I learned that I could embrace the life I've been given, and LIVE it out with HIS TRUE PURPOSE.   Through HIM I learned that though sorrow will remain until I am called home..... tears will fall...... and heartache will continue to exist...... I learned that HE is good in all of it, and even through tears I can smile, and SEE HIS goodness and HIS JOY in the midst of the heartache.

Surviving all that I have in my almost 39 years of life on this earth, HE has filled me with a deeper CONFIDENCE that though I will stumble and fall, as the storms of life rage around me, HIS steady hand will always be there to hold me when I am unsteady.  Surviving has instilled a stronger more CONFIDENT WARRIOR SPIRIT  deep within me, that no matter what happens to me, I'm a fighter, and through HIM and with HIM I WILL BE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

oh how I pray that each and every single soul that reads this blog, will know how much you are DEEPLY loved by HIM.  I pray that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM, that when the pain runs so deep you can't hardly breathe, I pray that you will have the courage to cry out to HIM, as HE cares for each and every one of you.  I pray that you will pour your sorrows out to HIM, and allowing HIM to relieve you of those burdens. Friends I know how much life hurts, how unfair it all is, and how much suffering we all endure, or will endure in our lifetime.  I know it hurts, I know you feel so alone, isolated, and lost.  It is my prayer right at this very moment that you will know that is the enemy working in your life to keep you from living the life that HE has planned for you.  I pray that you will know that I love each and everyone of you, and pray that will be comforted by me sharing my journey so intimately with each of you.  I pray that in being transparent in my faith,  and struggles with life you will truly SEE that you are not alone.

Always dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather