20.....

Twenty is the number of days that it took for the enemy to "try" and overtake me. Twenty is the number of days where I have laid around my house in complete and total anger at the world, at myself, at GOD, at everything.  Twenty is the number of days I have ate a TON of junk food wallowing in my self pity.  Twenty is the number of days where I have fled from HIS word, HIS promises, and allowed myself to be lead straight into a pit of despair. Twenty is the number of days that it took for me to forget WHOSE I am.  Twenty is the number of days where I have fallen prey to the enemy lies, and began to speak them. Twenty is the number of days where HE made sure my soul-sisters were there to speak and breathe HIS word into me.  Twenty is the number of days where I wasn't able to praise or worship HIM due to my complete and total anger towards HIM.  Twenty is the number of days where I have been so angry at my life, that I have repeatedly said I hate my life. Twenty is the number of days where I have cried the most ugly horrific lonely tears of complete and total anguish at the cruelness of my life.  Twenty is the number of days is all it took for me to lose focus.  Twenty..........

My first thought this morning was "Power Thoughts" NOT Seth like it has been for almost twenty weeks now.  No, my first thought was that of HIS voice speaking straight to my heart, in reminding me that my mind is indeed a battlefield.  Realizing what that meant, I went straight to my office, found my devotionals, poured my heart into my journal, and began to read what HE wanted me to know in that very moment.

As soon as I opened my first devotional I read, "I will be your defense and refuge."  Just reading the title spoke VOLUMES to my heart, as that is exactly HIS message that HE has been speaking to me through my soul-sisters for the past twenty days.  To be honest this was the first time in the last twenty days where I really felt HIM speaking straight to my heart.  Not only that, but it is the first time where I have felt any real comfort in HIS word.  To be honest, I have really been in the mode of fake it till you make it with my FAITH, my TRUST, and my BELIEF in HIM.  

In speaking with transparency, I have been so far from HIM and HIS word, that I have chosen to NOT trust HIM, as I have allowed the enemies lies to penetrate my heart, and allowed fear from TRUSTING HIM, as I felt as if though if I were to keep choosing HIM I would have a target on my back.

Twenty is the number of days where though I never renounced my FAITH,I stalled on the path and pulled away from HIM in fear of what the enemy may do to me next.  Fear that if I fully surrendered to HIM, how much more would I have to lose??? With that ugliness, bitterness, hatred, anxiety, loathing, and jealously began to take up residence deep inside my heart.  

It wasn't until this morning that I realized that in choosing to walk away from HIM, I had unknowingly allowed the enemy to set up camp inside my heart, and slowly allowed him to take over my mind.  In just twenty days all the security, comfort, and safety that I felt, even in the first few hours of losing Seth, were gone.  

Thankfully HE loves me way too much to ever let me keep fleeing from HIM, without HIM calling my name in many different ways, until HE finally got my attention.  I can tell you this morning, that HE has captured my attention once again.  Just in reading my two devotionals, HIS word, has truly been the lamp unto my feet.  

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

As soon as I read my first devotional, and was reminded of HIS amazing promises that HE will, and is always my shelter and refuge from the storm, HE took HIS Daily Teachings even further and let me know that the storm that I thought I was in was losing Seth, when really the storm I am in is my anger from losing Seth...... More importantly my anger towards HIM, my unforgiveness to HIM for allowing Seth to die..... my anger of "how could you do this to me LORD, after everything I have done for you....... my anger of what more do you want from me???? Why didn't you let me save Seth????  Why did I have to be the one who found Seth lifeless??? Why did you allow me to experience that???  How in the hell am I supposed to recover from this loss????  The loss of my precious little one year old son....... whom I miss terribly, and have been tortured for the past almost twenty weeks now of the constant reminder of my membership to the most horrific club known to mankind.  A club where once becoming a member, it is a lifetime membership, one of which you can NEVER leave...... a membership that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy..... losing Seth...... allowed the enemy to gift me with the most horrific, agonizing pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish that I have ever known.  The most painful sorrow, and grief that shattered my heart into a billion pieces, where anger seeped deep into my heart, and HIS JOY was robbed right from me. 

"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

Twenty is the number of days where it was enough for the enemy to ensure that all of my time,emotions, and energy would be focused on how I have suffered.  Time to dwell on the fact the HE allowed the enemy to take away my son....... time to know and understand that what HE had allowed was truly an act of pure evil that the enemy had hoped would wipe me off the face of the earth.  When he realized that didn't do it, he began to come at me with all that he had with his lies, manipulations, anger, and hatred for me, and waited... waited till I became vulnerable...... waiting, and prowled and began to feast on my security that I felt with HIM, and slowly devoured every ounce of my strength to fight him off.  In those Twenty days he breathed his lies into me constantly until feeling completely and utterly spent, weary, and weak from the blinding pain that I have endured for over four months......  ALL of my hatred, and anger was placed on HIM.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

While all that was going on, HE was doing a mighty good work in me, to restore, renew, refresh me, to prepare me to STAND, NOT even fight, but just to STAND on HIS truth, HIS promise for my life.  To HEAR HIS whispers so I would then be able to heed HIS whispers. HE was preparing my heart to know and to trust HIM fully with ALL of my life, meaning ALL of my heart, soul, and mind by giving me much needed rest by letting me just take complete and total comfort in HIS embrace.  

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion  until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

The other day I received a text from my soul sister M, and to be quite honest, her words stung..... something fierce...... Today however, I know without a doubt they were spoken while she was being HOLY SPIRIT led to speak HIS truth to me, even though it was hard for me to hear.  Even though I read her text over and over, I couldn't understand WHY she would say those things to me.  Thankfully because of HIS great love and relentless pursuit for me to NOT only KNOW HIM, but to TRUST HIM fully with ALL of me.  To just rest, peacefully in HIS presence, as HE drenches me in HIS grace, and floods me with HIS overwhelming peace.  All so that I would know that HE knows how weary and tired I am from crying, from mourning, from suffering.  HE knows......

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;  my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Twenty is the number of days that it took for HIM to speak to me through many messages of HOPE, about suffering.  Yesterday another one of my soul-sisters N spoke HIS truth through just a hashtag on a Facebook post where I was completely transparent about where I was at in my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  She left a heartfelt message of understanding about suffering, and season of hardship.....  today I take great comfort in what she wrote...... #sufferbravely.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

Twenty is the number of days it took for me to really hear HIS word, and HIM getting straight to the matters of my heart.  Through today's Power Thought HE let me know that it was time to let go of my anger towards HIM, in letting me know that NOTHING I could ever say or do will EVER make HIM love me any less.  NOT only that, but that HE isn't surprised at what I have said, or done, as HE created me, and HE knows, loves, and cares for me more than anyone in this entire world.   

"The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

Todays Power Thought is:  Take Control of Your Anger....... Yikes!!! Oh how I needed to be reminded of that.  To be reminded that just because I felt a certain way, doesn't mean that I have to act on those feelings.  HIS loving reminder to me today that I am in control of my emotions, they are NOT in control of me.  HIS loving reminder to me that HE has given me self-control and that means that just because I am hurting from losing, and missing Seth doesn't mean I have to give into the emotions of anger by cursing, being hateful, spiteful, bitter, and jealous..... all of which sadly I have been for the past Twenty days.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Ephesians 4:31

" Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it." Titus 1:8-9

Today marks Twenty days of walking in almost pure darkness.  Today I am choosing to stand firm in my FAITH, and TRUST and KNOW, that HE is for me, and NOT against me.  Today I can say that I have decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back. Today my SPIRIT is being renewed, and HE is pouring HIS word deep into my heart, as HE leads me, teaches me, and guides me on this path, this journey of life, that though it is full of hurts, and loss, is also full of HOPE, JOY, LIGHT, LOVE, STRENGTH, GRACE, and PEACE.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, honestly it is my prayer that if I can go through losing my son, and all of the other things that I have suffered through in my life, and know that HE is there, HE loves me, and I trust HIM, well I pray that gives you HOPE. I pray today that HIS message of HOPE is there for you in my writings, in my transparency of where I am right now, and in knowing where I am, is all because I know WHOSE I am.  I pray today that if you don't have the strength to STAND, that you will sit quietly in HIS presence, seek HIM, and allow HIM to drench you in HIS amazing grace, and flood you with HIS overwhelming, endless peace. Today I pray that you too will choose to #sufferbravely.

Always in love and compassion, blessings to you,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

silence.....

One of the biggest challenges I face on a daily basis is that of missing my son. In missing him, I grieve him.  I wish it were as simple as I miss him, and TRUST and know that he is with JESUS.  However, NEVER was it intended as I am learning to be a simple thing, but rather a lifetime of learning to truly TRUST and know that HE is GOD HE is GOOD, and HE holds me and my world in the palm of HIS hands.

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

In missing Seth, my days have been overrun by almost total darkness.  There have been days where I have struggled getting out of bed, much less getting dressed.   For the past month I have struggled to even pray, and ASK for help.  To be honest, I couldn't think of a single prayer to say that I thought would be me any relief.  Instead all I have been able to do is cry...... oceans of tears..... that to be honest I have felt as if though I may actually at some point in time drown in.

" In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

Relief...... that is something that comes in waves in my life now.  GONE are the days of me being able to take all the pain, hurt, and anguish and use it as the driving force in my life. In one of the many moments of me breaking down this week, this thought occurred to me, I am frustrated that though I know in my head how to to press in, and press through in my FAITH, and CHOOSE JOY, and seek HIM, and well pretty much every other HIS DAILY Teachings that HE has taught me..... the reason I am NOT able to do any of that, is because I am still trying to get back to WHO I was before, and WHO I was before was a tenacious fighter WHO didn't have a clear understanding that the STRENGTH I "thought" I had was really HIS STRENGTH being poured into me, and because of that I have felt incredibly weak and defeated every single breath I have taken in this journey of grieving my son.  

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here" 2 Corinthians 5:17

"Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:6-7

HIS Daily Teachings today is once again getting right to the matters of my heart, in letting me know that HE knows my pain, and SEES all that I am struggling with, and knows how stuck I feel.  HE is wanting me to know that CHOOSING JOY isn't the same as before, rather CHOOSING JOY right now is me simply being silent, remaining silent.   Silence...... is NOT something I do well.  HE is telling me that it's not always going to be about how much I am doing in my FAITH, but rather just being still...... and knowing that HE is GOD.  

"Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him." Lamentations 3:28

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I wish so badly that I could go back to being the me of WHO I was before..... before the worst day of my entire life happened...... the day that will forever be imprinted on my heart of the day where I learned what true heartache and suffering for HIM meant.  The day that my FAITH was tested to the fullest, or so I "thought."  Foolishly I "thought" that this pain, this anguish would only be temporary, and that is because I was all in when it came to choosing to living my life for HIM.

HE is wanting me to know and understand that it's NOT about how many newer things of my FAITH that I can learn on my own, by reading HIS word, and studying HIS word.  HE is telling me that while it may be that right now I am learning that standing firm in my FAITH and TRUST in HIM, speaks volumes in the silence that is my life.  HE is wanting me to know that in choosing silence is giving HIM the opportunity to teach me total dependence on HIM, that the battle of life that I am in, the ocean that I have been thrown in.... in all of it, HE has brought me to this place, and allowed the circumstances of my life to lead me straight to HIS loving arms, where I would really learn to TRUST and to know what it means to have HIM fight for me, and to NOT rely on my own STRENGTH or understanding.

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:17

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
  6 
HE is telling me that while the world is screaming at me that it's okay to be angry, to yell at GOD, and to hate HIM for what HE did to me...... HE is wanting me to know that NOTHING that HE EVER does is for evil, rather it is all for GOOD.  HE is telling me that death..... even death of a child is all because of the sins of this broken and fallen world.  HE is reminding me that sadly while I may be a new creation in HIM, there will be times in my life where I will have to suffer as in choosing HIM daily means that I am willing to pick up my own cross, and carrying it for HIM.  Simply put HIS loving reminder to me is that of the clip I have on the visor of my truck that holds my precious little love's picture. "HE died for me, so I'll live for HIM."

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" 1 Timothy 4:4  

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

HE is speaking directly to my heart this morning in letting me know that  even though it may seem as if though I have been left to drown in the ocean of pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish,  darkness and tears that I am in, HE is still there, HE is SHINING HIS LIGHT FOR ME, to GUIDE me safely to HIS arms.   HE is reminding me that HE has always been there, and will ALWAYS be there.  HE is wanting me to know that even though life is unbearable right now, I must remember to take heart, as HE is the ONE WHO OVERCAME and WILL continue to OVERCOME this broken and fallen world.

"My eyes pour out tears.  Day and night, the tears never quit." Jeremiah 14:17 The Message Bible

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

It has been in the silence where HIS word floods my heart, through HIS overwhelming peace, to know that through HIS amazing grace, I can and WILL survive this massive loss of my precious little boy.  NOT only will I survive that, I will conquer this battle for my life, in TRUSTING and knowing that while I may NOT know what my future holds, I KNOW WHO holds my future.  

" And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"This is what the Lord says:

"The people who survive the sword
    will find favor in the wilderness;
    I will come to give rest to Israel.”

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness

Jeremiah 31:2-3

HIS message is coming in loud and clear to me this morning that sometimes its NOT about what I am going to be doing next other than by choosing to live out my FAITH and TRUST and know that HE is working in me, and through me, even in the silence where all I can do is cry.  In knowing this, in knowing that my tears mean something other than the pain that I feel, my tears are prayers of silence and that though words may fail me, HE NEVER will.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Today HIS word stands true for my life, that even in my groans of anguish, HE is there, HE knows, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT leading me HE will pour HIS grace into me, and flood me with HIS peace.  Today HIS word is proving to me once again, that I don't have to FIGHT anything, or even stand in the sense of up and moving, but rather truly, being still........ and TRUSTING and knowing that HE is GOD, and HE knows how weary I am from grieving, and how badly I hurt, from this complete and total heartbreak that I have experienced for over 18 weeks straight now.  

"I have suffered much; preserve my life, Lord, according to your word." Psalm 119:107

" In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26

HE is wanting me to remember that it's not always the physical act of standing that shows, and proves to HIM that I TRUST HIM completely, but rather standing firm in my FAITH and TRUST in HIM that HE can, will, and does work everything work out for HIS good.  HE is telling me that though I may not understand right now how my FAITH in making an impact on this world, HE knows, and is telling me that in choosing to remain FAITHFUL in my TRUST in HIM, that is teaching this broken and fallen world that even when it hurts, even when the worst thing that could happen does....... HE is there in ALL of it.  HE is telling me that I am in season of learning that though I may NOT feel as if though I am doing enough, or living well enough for HIM, HE is wanting me to know that I am truly HIS living vessel, I am HIS messenger of HOPE, and I am HIS ambassador..... as I have CHOSEN daily to live in silence in knowing and TRUSTING that HE is SOVEREIGN, and through HIS timing and provision HE will heal me from this excruciatingly raw pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish that I am constantly living with, unable to escape for more than just a few moments of each and every single day of my life right now.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

In losing my son, I have learned what it means to really be all in when it comes to my FAITH and TRUST in HIM.  I have learned that it's NOT so much of what I say, but its more about what I don't say.  I am learning that silence truly speaks a thousand words, especially when it comes to allowing HIM to use my silence to show this world through me, that HE truly does love us, and comforts us, and will ALWAYS be there for us.  NOT only that, but just because I HE is asking me to live in silence right now does NOT mean that HE is silent. I am understanding now more than ever that HE is NEVER silent, HE is always there, and always fighting on my behalf.  HE doesn't turn a blind eye, to any of my suffering, and in HIS timing through HIS provision, HE will make things right for me, I just need to take heart.  

"The Mighty One, God, the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to where it sets. From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth. Our God comes  and will not be silent; a fire devours before him, and around him a tempest rages. He summons the heavens above, and the earth, that he may judge his people: “Gather to me this consecrated people, who made a covenant with me by sacrifice.” And the heavens proclaim his righteousness, for he is a God of justice." Psalm 50:1-6
   
""All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.  God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you  and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. " 2 Thessalonians 1:5-7

HE is reminding me, by asking me to share HIS message of HOPE that NOTHING that we will EVER face in this life will be alone, that HE knows our pain, even the pain of losing a child, as HE too lost HIS son.  HIS only begotten SON that HE gave as HIS sacrifice to this world, so that we would be reconciled back to HIM, as HIS SON would pay the ultimate price for our sins.  HIS SON JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, WHO came to this world as GOD in the flesh to teach, lead, and guide us how to live, to model TRUE LOVE, WHO would ask HIS FATHER to leave behind HIS HOLY SPIRIT WHO resides in each of us, when we accept HIS amazing gift of Salvation in BELIEVING that HE is JESUS CHRIST, the ONE WHO PAID our ransom, through HIS blood that was shed on the cross, our sins were ALL forgiven, no matter how bad we are HE died for us, because of HIS great, unconditional, unending, unfailing, relentless love for each and every single one of us.

" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:16-21

"He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

" Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:6-7

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear friends, I pray today that if you are hurting, you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS overwhelming peace, and allow HIS amazing grace to lead you to a place where you will know that even though everything around you may be falling apart, you won't worry, as HE is holding you, HE loves you, and HE will help you in HIS timing, and through HIS provision.  It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know HIM, and trust HIM just as I have and do.  I pray today that you will choose HIM, and allow HIS love to teach, lead, and guide you through the rest of your journey called life.  I pray for HIS blessings and favor to be poured over you and in you, so that you too be will able to be HIS messenger of HOPE, as you will know that your story, is a part of HIS story.  

Always in love and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather