always

By eight a.m. yesterday morning I was already back in bed, laying on my face, crying my eyes out, to HIM.  All the pain and anguish of how hard this life had become.  How angry I felt to be CHOSEN to suffer this massive loss of my precious one year old son.  Tears poured from my eyes, as I cried out to HIM all the emotions I was being flooded with that morning.  

After crying for almost an hour, I fell asleep.  An hour later I awoke to HIM speaking straight to my heart, and as soon as I heard HIS voice, I got up and got ready to face the day once again.  Only this time when I got up, I was renewed with a vision of NEVER will I have to face another day alone again, as HE is always there.   

HIS Daily Teachings today began as soon as I opened my eyes at 4:15 a.m.  with my first thought being I get to live today!  I can tell you this is a stark contrast from what my first thought of I have to live another day today..... Today however HIS word is speaking straight to my heart, HE is bringing me in to full focus with HIS perspective that it's not I have to, but rather that I get to!

HE is wanting me to know that it's get because in order to get means that I have to be given. HE is telling me that HE is wanting me to know and understand that the moment that I shift my focus off of how hard things are, to how FAITHFUL HE is, that  is when I will remember that HE is always there, as HE is the only one WHO can speak to my heart and change and transform my thoughts, and how I process those thoughts.

" Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Today HE is speaking straight to my heart of HIS promises.  HE is telling me that I am NOT the first mother to lose her son, and I most certainly won't be the last.  HE is wanting me to know that HE has given to me the stories of HOPE through rebuilding of lives into my line of vision so that I would SEE and know that HE truly is FAITHFUL and that I can fully depend on HIM that just as HE has helped other grieving parents HE most certainly is going to help D and I.  

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—  he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going  both now and forevermore." Psalm 121

HE is wanting me to know that though I may be living in the wreckage of the aftermath of the most horrific event of my life, that doesn't mean that I will always be living in the aftermath.  HE is telling me that I can trust, BELIEVE, and know that HE is there for me always.  Once again HE is reminding me that with HIM and through HIM NOT only will I rebuild my life, but that my FAITH in HIM will be strengthened, and all that I have gone through will bring me even closer to HIM.

"You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again." Isaiah 58:10 The Message Bible

Today through HIS loving words I am finally understanding what it means that I am blessed to mourn.  Today HE is speaking straight to my heart that being blessed, is NOT a feeling, but rather a state of being, as I have been learning that being means simply that I am HIS, and because I am HIS I know that HE is there, HE is holding me, and HE is helping me.

"Blessed are those who mourn,  for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

" But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

HE is wanting me to know that HE is teaching me how to refocus on HIS word of blessed as NOT of what this world thinks of happiness, but rather HIS true JOY in knowing that I am HIS, and HE is mine.  Once again through HIS blessed assurance I am understanding even more what it means to be truly blessed.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:3-6

HE is telling me that though it my humanness I cannot possibly understand or even begin to grasp how it is that I am blessed to mourn, HE is wanting me to know that it's not about me understanding at the capacity that I am able to process my thoughts.  HE is telling me that now is the time to rely fully on HIS strength, and lean in, and press into HIM and HIS understanding that HE is Sovereign, and HE has everything worked out.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6 

HE is reminding me once again that HE has a plan, and though I may not understand now, one day I will, and until then, I must choose to HOLD FAST and stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, by keeping myself planted firmly, and rooted deeply in HIS word, so that I will not only know of HIS promises, but that I will be able to speak boldly HIS words when the enemy "tries" to distract me with lies and manipulations, in flooding my thoughts of NOT only am I helpless, but I am hopeless. 

 HE is telling me that I have been given today so that I will be able to speak LIFE, speak HOPE and let HIS light shine in me and through me, through this dark, broken, and fallen world full of hopelessness, because it does NOT know JESUS.  HE is telling me that if I hold onto anything HE is teaching me this morning that is HIS purpose, my purpose to be filled in being gifted today to live for HIM, all because HE died for me.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.:" Jeremiah 29:11

"They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:8

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:18-20

Today HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to a new thought process, in reminding me that NOT only is HE my refuge and strength, but that HE won't be late in rescuing me, that HE will always be there for me.  So much in fact that HE NEVER leaves my side, though I may waiver in my steps with HIM, HE is always there to set me back on HIS path that of which keeps me safe, and protects me from the evil one.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold" Psalm 18:2

HE is wanting me to know that it isn't a coincidence that I have been reading HIS words about the Beatitudes from JESUS' Sermon on the Mount, as that is HIS key that unlocks the prison of lies that I have been living in that my life is too hard, that NOTHING is going right, and that I have to live another day. HE is capturing my heart and attention in letting me know that in just the change of have to get, I can finally SEE that there is truly HOPE in front of me.  Through HIS word HE is showing me what people WHO live in HIS KINGDOM look like, and just in knowing that I am NOT alone in my suffering, that brings me incredible comfort.

"But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.”But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. " 1 Peter 3:14-18

HE is telling me that whenever I am feeling angry, sad, lonely, or lost, HE isn't mad at me. Rather HE is wanting me to pour my heart out to HIM, so that I will be able to get those feelings out without sinning as I would if I tried to keep them in.  HE is reminding me once again that when I don't let go, slowly but surely all the toxins that are stirring up inside of me come seeping out, until I become so full that eventually I explode.

"“In your anger do not sin” Ephesians 4:26

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:30-32

HE is wanting me to know that this is the very reason why I am struggling in my marriage communication with D right now.  That is because D has a full understanding of what it means to let go..... and LET HIM work in us and through us, by flooding us with HIS overwhelming peace and drenching us in HIS amazing grace.  HE is telling me that in the times where I am NOT in agreement with D, I need only to be still..... and wait.... this is so much easier said than done.  Being still..... keeping calm...... well that is one the biggest struggles I have in my life.  

"What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" James 4:1

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

To be honest one of our many disagreements since losing Seth has been that D feels HIS peace, knows HIS peace, and understands that if we focus on every single thing that is hard, of course we're going to be overwhelmed.  I on the other hand, haven't been able to SEE even two inches in front of me, let alone speak HIS truth, and BELIEVE that HE truly has a glorious future planned for our family.  Truthfully I have been so incredibly fearful of each and everyday.  I have allowed myself to retreat, though that is okay to retreat safely in HIS arms, I have allowed HIS JOY to be covered up in allowing thoughts of hopelessness to creep in.  

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice" Philippians 4:4

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thankfully because HE loves me far too much to let stray away from HIS promises, HE is speaking them loudly and clearly to my heart this morning.  HE is telling me that NOT only will HE NOT leave me, but HE won't leave me where I am currently in grieving the loss of my precious little one.  Today HE led me straight to a song that we sing at our church, and just in the first few lines, HE has filled me once again with HIS promise that just when I think I won't be able to survive another step, HE will come through always.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

"Oh, my God, He will not delay . My refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true.  My God will come through always, always" Kristian Stanfill "Always"

Once again my SPIRIT is being renewed with HIS promises that HE is there, HE is helping me, HIS JOY is there, HIS peace is upon me, HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me on this journey called life to live a life of wholeness as I am learning that I am in right standing with HIM, and because I know that I know that I am truly blessed.  HIS promises are ringing so true to my ears today, that HE does indeed come through for me always.

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21

Today I am changing my thoughts to I get to live my life today!  The life that was written on purpose for HIS purpose!  I get to be a part of HIS KINGDOM today!  I get to be MAMA to HIS amazing five blessings!  I get to be Seth's Mama by honoring his precious little life, in choosing to LIVE my life to its fullest, just as he did when he was here living life with us.  I get to do this life with an amazing man that I have been blessed to live my life with for the past almost twenty years now.  I get to spend and celebrate our 19th Valentine's day with the same sweetheart, WHO has been through so much of my life with me.  I get to educate my children in HIS word, by choosing to speak HIS word, which speaks life to them.  I get to do my part in HIS KINGDOM to be HIS messenger of HOPE, as HIS living vessel.  I get to be HIS living vessel.  That means I get to be connected to HIM, directly through HIS HOLY SPIRIT WHO gives me the right words of LIFE to be spoken that breathes HIS love into this lonely, broken, loveless world.  I get to be HIS ambassador through my FAITH in HIM.  I get to share my FAITH, freely, and openly, through transparency in telling that though I may NOT know what my future holds, I will NOT fear, as I know WHO holds my future.  I get to live my life today knowing that HE is there, HE is my refuge and strength, HE will help me, and the HE will always come through for me!  Today I get to SHINE HIS light on this world of darkness, I get to be HIS light!  Today I get to PRAISE HIM for HIS FAITHFULNESS!!!  Today I get to SING HIS PRAISES for showering me with HIS mercies, by giving me another day to truly LIVE my life for HIM, all because I know and understand that HE DIED for me, as so that I would be able to NOT only live this life, but also so I would spend ETERNITY LIVING for GOD our FATHER in HEAVEN.  Today I am free, free in HIM, through HIM, by HIM, all because of HIS relentless love and pursuit of my heart to know HIM, and NOT only to know HIM but to trust HIM.  Today through my TRUST in HIM, I know that it truly is well with my soul, as HE will always come through for me, in HIS timing, and through HIS provision.  Today I rest easy, knowing that HE is truly SOVEREIGN!!!!

"Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! The Lord builds up Jerusalem;  he gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. The Lord sustains the humble  but casts the wicked to the ground." Psalm 147:1-6

"Light shines on the righteous  and joy on the upright in heart." Psalm 97:11

"even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,    for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:12

"For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:6

" In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that you will come to know JESUS just as I know HIM.  It is my prayer that if you too are mourning, that you will seek HIS word, and let HIM speak straight to your heart so that you will know that you too are blessed to be in mourning, as HE is there, and HE is comforting you.  HE will help you, and HE will always be your refuge and strength.  I pray today that you will be set free from the prison of lies that the enemy has kept you in, that GOD's not done with you, HE has amazing plans for you.  Hold fast my dear friends, HIS help is always on the way.

Always in love and prayers, with so much compassion and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather