when grief speaks

I remember being ten years old, and swinging on our disc swing.  In the challenge to be daring, I remember pumping my legs as hard as I could so I would go higher.  Round and round I spun on the disc, and I remember feeling so free, so empowered, so ALIVE, that is until....... the next thing I would remember would be lying flat on my back, gasping, struggling to breathe.  It was in the next moment that I remember my Dad racing towards me, and scooping me up off the ground and cradling me in his strong arms.  Softly he spoke to me, "its okay, you're alright, I'm here, I've got you.  You fell off the disc swing, and got the wind knocked out of you, just breathe Heather, just breathe."

Last week while feeling apprehensive about the impending Christmas Season I felt so weak.  I had cried out to HIM days earlier..... how.... why???? when will celebrating feel right again?  I was feeling completely and totally dismayed by the lack of HIM NOT answering me.... that is until........... HE met me right where I was and completely blew me away with HIS powerful, and mighty UNFAILING love.

Through HIS blessed gift of my most recent memory of my earthly dad holding me, and telling me he was there, it was HIS loving reminder that HE is there, and that just as I had the wind knocked out of me on that day, the gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart shattering, life altering pain, sorrow, and anguish that would implode my family.... the love of my life.....  my precious five.... and would steal the very life, and light, our precious Seth away from us with only a mere few feet away.  

Thinking back to that day.... how it started out with empowered confidence, feeling so ALIVE, and daring.... seeking, THRILLED to BE HIS, I was ALL IN.... and I was ON FIRE, and was willing to do whatever, whenever, no matter what...... soaring, flying higher into HIS arms, feeling the earth leave my feet, and well quite honestly the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.... and even greater than that, the most peaceful I had ever known. 

Then.... 4pm October 13, 2014 happened, and the soaring, flying, feeling ALIVE came to a crashing halt, as I was shoved off the highest cliff I have ever known, and plunged deep into the ocean of anguish so hard that I hit the bottom where all I could feel was the crushing weight of pain, so indescribable, that I couldn't even speak.  I couldn't even cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything, but that didn't matter because without even knowing I began to cry out the deepest guttural groans of agony in desperate pleas...... "please help me.... oh GOD please help me, my son..... my son......  mmmmmy son.

It was then that I remember collapsing in my driveway, flat on my face in the mud, rain, and in my white socks.  Looking up at the Heavens as the rain beat down on my face..... my voice completely gone.... I screamed from deep within, "WHY GOD, OH GOD, OH PLEASE.... NO NOT MY SETH... PLEASE NOT SETH...."  The next few hours would be a blur..... until D and I found ourselves sitting in that "family room"...... the words... every parents can't even begin to think about it nightmare..... "I am so sorry... we did everything, we couldn't save your son."

Falling........... clinging...... desperate for relief..... crying for days, weeks, and almost an entire year.  Tears of the most immense sorrow I have ever known.  Pain so excrutiating I felt I would surely die from.  Anger that would explode out of me, causing me to flee.... run.... hide..... delete... unfriend.....that became the absence of me.... to those who love me, know me, pray for me, care for me..... who once knew me.... the me.... Heather..... before grief.... before loss..... before..... oh how I longed for before.

Finally when I couldn't take being angry or jealous any longer I fell to my knees in desperate please for HIM to please take this all from me.  I pleaded and begged HIM to spare me of anymore pain, sorrow, or anguish.  I came to the end of myself, and allowed HIM to speak into my heart once again.  In doing so HE began to reveal the next chapter... phase to this  part of my life known as grief.

I wish I could say that whenever HE speaks to me, I listen, and I remember what HE teaches me, and then, well everything goes according to HIS word.  HA!  That couldn't be further from the truth.  You see, HE lets me know that just because I hear HIM, and I "think" I understand what I am to do..... when it comes to actually applying what HE teaches me to my life..... well  as I have already established a million times over... I, Heather am indeed a sloooooooow learner.   Much to my dismay, as I am tired... have been, am, and probably always will be of living a hard life..... a "normal" hard life is hard enough...... but adding grief into the mix, when grief speaks.... ugh.... it's unbearable.

On Christmas Eve my brother called me, and I was in a very foul mood.  Stupid, happy, joyous, joy filled, festive, oh Merry Merry Christmas nightmare people were EVERYWHERE.  Happy festive Have a Holly Jolly Christmas songs played, everywhere I went.  If that all wasn't enough.... EVERYWHERE I looked little boys..... blond hair, blue eyes.... sweet little faces..... everywhere...... and everywhere I went tears fell, as grief began to take over my entire life once again.  All I can say is my poor, sweet, caring, meant well brother.... well he got the not so nice, crappy version of me.  It was at one point in our conversation that I realized I was being nasty to him, and not just about life, that he reminded me about..... well things that I couldn't have cared less about knowing, because Damn't knowing doesn't help when FEELING the grief as grief speaks and takes over all of you.

Honestly I will say this, I don't know how, or what I would do if it weren't for JESUS being in my life.  For knowing HIM, and being flooded with HIS grace, and drenched in HIS peace.... I just can't even imagine.  Living with HIS HOPE of everlasting life with HIM, where there will be NO more sorrow, sadness, or pain.  The very thought of never having to cry EVER again... YES!!!! OOooohhh ooooohhhh ohhhhh pick me pick me, THAT!  that is what I want.   Oh Dear JESUS, please please please say that my time will be soon and very soon, and if not, as I am terribly impatient... please give me everything I am needing to just get through this moment..... this hour... this day.... one day at a time.  

After hanging up with my brother, the tears poured from my eyes, tears of defeat, foolishness... as I surely can't do what HE is telling me to do, and how in the world am I ever going to be able to survive this for the rest of my life.... and ugh..... with tear stained face, hands trembling, voice quivering... I fell to my knees once again, I repented, and I sought HIS forgiveness.  It was then that HE spoke deep to my heart, that while I hate that its a part of my life, the idea of when grief speaks, is my challenge.....however it is HIS story, my story to share to tell to SHINE HIS light on the world unknown, untouched, or even just afraid, and avoiding grief.  To SHINE HIS light that says that though the days are long, and the nights even longer, and when sorrow, sadness, and pain flow like rivers and streams into your life, HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE is this, "no matter what HE will be there, HE will pick you up into HIS arms, draw you close, and let you know that HE is there.  HE WILL hold you and let you know that HE has you, and won't let you go.  HE loves you, is there for you, and when you cry, HE cries.  HE will shower you with HIS unfailing, endless love and mercy as you pour your heart out to HIM.  HE will love you even more when you tell HIM you hate HIM, and that you don't trust HIM.  HE will hold you tighter and tighter, to prove HIS amazing love to you, and HE will prove that HE is trustworthy as HE takes you back into your past and shows you where HE was, in reminding you of all the blessings HE has bestowed upon you.  HE will patiently wait for you to open the door of your hurting, shattered heart, so that HIS living water will be poured deep into your wounds, as HIS words, HIS promises, HIS love begin to rebuild, and heal you from the inside out. HE will let you know that it won't matter to HIM how long it takes for you to know HIM, to trust HIM, HE is there for you, without pressure.  HE loves you, no matter what you do or say, NOTHING absolutely NOTHING can keep you away from HIS love.  HE will hold you as long as you need to be held, and in and through HIS timing HE will set you back on your feet, and shield you under HIS mighty wings, as you bravely, and courageously choose to put on HIS armor, to BE HIS LIGHT, to tell HIS story, of how HE rescued you, redeemed you, refined you, and renewed you.   HE is waiting, for you for as long as it takes, you are HIS, and HE loves you."

HE is teaching me that when grief speaks that is because my grief, is my deepest form of love for my son Seth.  However, I must never forget that the enemy would like nothing more for me to feel defeated, and retreat into the worldly aspects of grieving, through addictions, and sins.  HE is telling me that I can choose to allow grief to speak in my life in an honoring way that shows the world, tells the world, brings all the glory to HIM through me, that even though I suffered through every parents worst nightmare, survived the worst day/week of my life, I am still standing, I am here, I am fighting, even if it just for strength to ask for me strength.  I am NOT giving up, giving in, by allowing the enemy to manipulate my thinking, my heart.  Rather I am choosing to allow grief to speak, to show this broken, fallen, and lost world that HE is our Savior, HE is HERE, HE is ALIVE, and HE is waiting.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

if you too are hurting... grieving.... know that you are not alone, and I am praying for you.  I pray that you will know that it doesn't matter what type of loss you have experienced, loss is loss, and it hurts.  Loss creates a void within you... a void that bleeds pain when touched.... a void that only HE can soothe, and heal around so that when touched though you will still feel pain, you won't feel immense sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I pray that you will open your heart to trusting HIM with your life, to know that HE has a plan to make right all the wrong that has been done to you. I pray that you will allow HIM to work in you and through you, so that you will receive HIS TRUE HEALING as you will know WHO HE is, and WHOSE you are.  Friends, I pray for you aching, wounded, lonely hearts, that you will know that you are CHOSEN... HE is there....HE is waiting.

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

beautifully broken...

For the past six months I have struggled with deeply rooted anger.  Anger that Seth is gone, anger that my son, and daughters grieve, anger that our family has fallen apart.  I have been so angry that I have hated, and pushed away so many people that love and support us.  I've hidden deep within the walls of my home, trying desperately to just wait it out.  Wait out the pain, wait out the grief, fearful that anyone knowing, or seeing that I'm still falling apart..... tears would fall violently from my eyes as each new day would assault my heart, my mind, my memories fading all the while the most tragic of memories replayed over and over, louder and louder, deafening any joy, any happiness shutting out the light that had been pouring in.  Tears would fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet as I "tried" desperately to just keep moving.

Three days ago I reach my limit.... a limit of crying out to HIM that I couldn't do this anymore.  I couldn't cry hard enough, hate deep enough, scream in anger, frustration, and bitterness.... enough.  I cried my heart out to HIM, drenching myself in makeup, snot, and tears.  Angry words spilling from my mouth as to "why in the hell did this have to happen?!?1? and for what purpose?!? and now what the hell am I supposed to do, how in the hell am I supposed to do this..... live this horrendously sad, awful life for the rest of my days here on this earth?"

I was so angry, that I told HIM that I didn't trust HIM or believe that HE even cared about our family anymore. That it was HE that dropped us in this deep..... dark...... ocean full of the most overwhelming sorrow any of us have ever known.  I was so angry that my faith had been shaken, and ripped apart at the seams.  I was so angry that GONE was my contentment that even if things weren't where I wanted them to be, PRAISE the LORD I'm NOT where I used to be.  GONE, was any and all feelings of peace, love, grace, anything, I mean absolutely anything that gives PRAISE HONOR and GLORY to HIM.

On my worst day I told HIM how much I hated so many people..... that afternoon I saw my therapist and fell apart in her office.  Feels of guilt, and condemnation flooding my every thought, as to how could I possibly LOVE GOD and hate so many people?  How did this happen.... when did I allow such evil to take over my heart, soul, and mind?  Furthermore, how would I survive this?  Would I survive this?  If by chance I did, I surely didn't want to, as this life as I knew it sucked it the worst way, and I would much rather be dead in HEAVEN with HIM and my sweet son Seth that to have to live here, and suffer with my family.  I would rather BE at PEACE without tears, and LIVING fully in HIS presence.

Ahhh I can only dream of that day.... for now, that's all I can do, as I began to pray those feelings of defeated, and giving up away, by speaking HIS promises and HIS truth to myself, over and over until I was sick of hearing me, let alone hearing it from anyone else.  I annoyed myself to tears, and without realizing began yet another chapter in grieving with grace, in healing from the most horrendous pain I've ever known.  A journey of which HE would align perfectly with my imperfect self, to show me, to shower me with HIS love, grace, peace, and mercy in taking me through yet another lesson of just how beautifully broken I am.

Today found me sitting in a restaurant with my good friend who I met just weeks before our sweet Seth was called Home.  Tears of frustration, and exhaustion poured from my eyes as she sat quietly listening to my words, all the while praying, and waiting for HIM to speak into her and through her so that I would know that just as HE's always been in my life, HE is most definitely IN THE DETAILS.  After about ten minutes of my crying and sharing my hardships she spoke.  In such a profound way that challenged me, her words were simply this, "Heather if you are looking to feel differently then you have to be willing to make a change."  She spoke hard truth to me, the same truth that was spoken to me the other night by another dear sister in CHRIST, only that night, I wasn't ready to hear them, however after hearing almost the same message coming from LOVE from HIM, I knew that the answer I had been waiting for..... praying for..... was here.

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM leading me back onto the path of HIS plans that I have jumped off of, because of fear, jealously, bitterness, and anger.  HE is letting me know that HE isn't mad at me that I've jumped off, but rather that HE understands and knows how overwhelmingly hard this journey has been.  HE is wanting me to know that its not for me to figure out each new step I am to take, but rather to take HIS hand that HE has reached out to me, and TRUST HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again every single step of the way.

HE is telling me that the reason WHY HE taught me before I lost Seth how to reach out to HIM, how to TRUST HIM, is so that when I would hurt in ways that I couldn't even describe, I would have PROOF that HE is there, and that HE does indeed love me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE understands how I've struggled being so broken, but wants me to know that if I choose to follow HIM, and allow HIM to, HE can and will fill in the cracks of my shattered, broken, heart.  HE is telling me that being broken isn't a bad thing, and I shouldn't be angry, or embarrassed by it, but rather know that HIS plan and HIS purpose for me is to LIVE for HIM, as HE pours HIS light into, through, as the world watches it flow out of me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE didn't break me just to destroy me, but rather because HE knew that I would be obedient and transparent in sharing my story of heartbreak and grief.  HE knew that I Heather, would be HIS Ambassador of HOPE in sharing HIS message of HOPE to this lost and broken world so full of darkness.  HE is reminding me once again that HIS GLORY is and has been made known in me and through me.

As far as the struggle that I am having in forgiving people, and seeking contentment, HE is telling me that in HIS timing just as before, HE can and will lead me to victory through those struggles.  HE is telling me that HIS story, my story, is a part of something far bigger, and more purpose filled than anything I can even begin to understand, dream, or ask for.  Once again, I am floored by HIS goodness, and awed by HIS strength in me to help me OVERCOME that of which I was almost certain would destroy me for good this time.

HIS loving reminder to me today is this, "when it hurts to much to cry, here is there for me."  HE is filling me with HIS word FULL of HOPE and promises that clinging to HIM, HE will lead me through the rough waters, HE will lead me beside the still waters, and HE will give me the rest that I am needing, by flooding me with HIS peace. On the days where I fall flat on my face, as I "think" I'm okay to run ahead of HIM, as if I magically have figured everything out.... though I will feel foolish, HIS grace will be there for me...... enough for me.  Mostly on the days where I forget, and jump off the path again, HE will be there, reaching for me, leading me back, carrying me in HIS loving arms, all the while telling me, "I know Dear Heart, I know...... I love you, trust ME that MY plans for you are amazing."

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, trees planted by the Lord to reveal his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

As always my Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though I may not know your pain, I do know that pain at any capacity is so terribly difficult to live with. I know that HE is a loving, and caring GOD, WHO knows your pain, and if you let HIM, HE will help you, heal you, rescue you, and restore you to BE WHO HE has created you to BE. Always my sweet friends, I'm praying for each and every soul that reads this blog. TRUST dear ones, HE's in the details.

Always with HOPE, love, and prayers,

Blessings,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather

soon

While I had no intention of writing today, HE had other plans for me.  While cleaning my bathroom and listening to music, the song "Soon" came on.  Instantly I stopped what I was doing to listen to the lyrics.  HIS loving message to me.  "Hold tight Dear Heart, soon and very soon."  

A few months ago I was reading what another bereaved Mama had wrote, and I noticed that she wrote "soon and very soon."  I figured it was just something private within their family, but still I kept thinking about what that meant.  The same Mama talked about risking the ocean to tell the world all about JESUS.  To be honest I was frustrated as to why I couldn't have that same mindset.  After all my mindset was focused on the immense pain, heartache, and struggle that I had been facing and living with for the past two years.  Not only that, but watching my husband and my children struggle as well.  Seeing their tears, made mine fall even harder, angry, bitter tears as to why didn't my children matter?  I mean sure hurt me, test me, put me through the storm.... but why them?  Why my precious son who is just seven.  Who at the tender age of five kissed his little brothers face for the last time on October 19, 2014.  Why LORD Why?  

Clinging to HIS promise that one day I would understand, and that I just needed to HOLD ON to HIS HOPE, I kept searching for answers, and kept reading other parents stories of losing their precious children.  Though each loss so different, on thing remained.  Their FAITH in HIM, their TRUST in HIM, and HIS words flowing with HOPE out of their mouths.  Again all of this left me in bitter tears, as to WHY LORD?  WHY can't I figure this out?  WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp.... to embrace.... to accept?  How LORD?  How in the world am I to do this for the rest of my life here?

Soon and very soon kept playing over and over in my mind.... and well because we've already established in my other posts that I am indeed a sllllllooooow learner.... it wasn't until today that HE prepared my heart over the past few days to HEAR HIS WHISPER straight to my heart today.  "Soon and VERY SOON Dear Heart"

Sitting here now, I am in complete awe of HIM as I've been praying and crying so much the past six months as to when LORD, when will I be writing again?  When will I feel like me again?  All the while not realizing the me I have been searching for is  a new me...someone who I don't recognize because I've been through a total transformation, given new HOPE, new precious life, and now a NEW Message to share that goes deeper than HIS message that I was called to share before.  

In order to fully embrace this new life that I have been given, this new purpose to LIVE out, HE is giving me HIS words to hold onto.  Listening to "Soon" over and over HE is speaking to the deepest part of my weary soul.  Though no longer shattered, still broken, but in CHOOSING to TRUST HIM with EVERYTHING HE is building me stronger.  Today I am clinging to this very thought.  

"I will be with the ONE I love, with unveiled face I'll see HIM, then my soul will be satisfied, soon and very soon"  

HE is wanting me to always remember that "soon" in HIS timing not my own, which isn't for me to understand, but rather to TRUST.  This is difficult for me, as I am an extremely impatient person when it comes to wanting to be done with a test, trial, or storm.  More than ever I am clinging to my FAITH FULL of HIS HOPE of HIS PROMISE of FOREVER that is waiting for me.  In clinging to "soon and very soon,"  HE is pouring HIS STRENGTH into me to go another day.  Write another post, BE HIS light, all the while HE is flooding me with HIS PEACE that through troubles will come my way, as they always do, HE is right there with me, and when I CHOOSE to TRUST HIM in my journey towards wholeness, I WILL one day meet HIM face to face, and HE will say the words that I have longed to hear "WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT."

Today though I may NOT SEE all that HE is doing, HE is once again filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that "soon" I will SEE ALL that HE is doing even when I don't SEE HIM.  Today I am thankful that HE has once again heard my cries of "Where are YOU?"  HE is filling my weary achy heart with HIS promise and flooding me with HIS unfailing LOVE and abundant GRACE.

"In my distress I called to the Lord;I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ JESUS,

I pray that you will know that though you may feel as if no one understands, or that you're all alone in this world.  I pray that you will open your heart and mind to HIM and allow HIM to drench you in HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace, and HE showers you with HIS unfailing love.  I pray that if you feel as though you've made a huge mistake, or many mistakes in your life, I pray that you will know that HE already knows, and HIS grace is enough for you.  HE loves you HE is your Savior, and HIS promise that HE has spoken through me today is for you.  I'm so sorry my sweet friends for your hurting hearts, your broken spirits.  Lean into HIM, press into HIM, cry deep into HIS chest, HE cares, HE is there.  I pray that in my transparency today that you will SEE HIS goodness and mercy that is waiting for you.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Always with so much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

strength to forgive.....

My life has been a series of test, trials, and storms all teaching me, leading me and guiding me on HIS path of forgiveness.  HE has called me to forgive so many people in my life, and well I have.... that is until..... ugh.... now.....

Today while driving to pick my oldest up from work I felt a huge lump in my throat as I struggled to pray out, praise out the ugliness that was buried deep within.  I spent a better part of my day looking up snarky, and sarcastic, and down right mean meme's that explained exactly how I felt.  The meaner they were the more I laughed, and the harder I laughed the more pull I felt from deep within my soul.  Wanting so desperately to share, post, text, and write about how angry, jealous, and just ticked off I am at the world, and all its shiny happy, my life is so great, and amazing people..... ugh..... ugliness.  

It wasn't until during a worship song that the singer praying and said , "HE IS A GOOD FATHER, WHO LOVES us,  not because we are good, but because HE is good."  Immediately my tears flowed, ugly, bitter, angry, hate filled, heartbroken tears fell from my weary eyes.  All I could think of was, "great I am in the ocean..... again......"  With a trembling voice, I approached HIS throne, and said, "I know YOU'RE good, and YOU are perfect in ALL of YOUR ways.... it's just this struggling.... this immense ocean of grief and sorrow.... the suffering.... the heartache... the tears...... all of it is too overwhelming."  

Heart wrenching tears fell onto my shirt, and clouded my eyes to the point where if I didn't stop crying, I would surely have to pull over till my eyes became clear again, In trying so desperately to understand and accept that this journey that I am on is HIS plan that I am called, was CHOSEN for on PURPOSE to embrace, to LIVE, to BE HIS LIGHT as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.... I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Heather I know I've hurt you, disappointed you, and wrecked you with all of this.  I'VE led you on a journey of forgiveness to teach you, show you, how when the time came that you would be ABLE to forgive ME for what I have allowed to happen in your life.  No matter how hard it may seem or become I am asking you to FORGIVE ME."  With that I sobbed out the words.... "LORD JESUS please give me strength to forgive."

"He gives strength to the weary  and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me, leading me, and guiding me to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, disappointed me, and let me down.  Not only to forgive people, but most importantly forgive HIM so that HE will be ABLE to lead me down HIS path of forgiveness where HIS grace abounds, mercy is new, and peace flows.  The written path for my life for which I am on this journey towards wholeness to BE HIS CHOSEN BELOVED LIGHT SHINER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, to share, to speak, to LIVE out fully HIS love for not only me, but for the last, the least and the lost.

" But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16

HE is wanting me to know that it has been HIS plan for others to SEE me, hear me, and know me as HIS CHOSEN ONE WHO TRUSTS HIM FULLY with EVERYTHING no matter what happens. This cross that I am called to carry, to be HIS follower is one that I am stumbling all over the place with, but HIS grace is abundant in picking me back up when I stumble, HE is letting me know that I NEVER need to worry about how I will be able to forgive as it is HIS strength that HE will, has, and continues to pour into me in order to BE WHO HE has created me to BE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

This for me is overwhelming, and yet soothing all at the same time.  Overwhelming as I dread at times what the next test, trial, or storm will be in my life, and soothing as HIS loving reminder that I am NOT alone, HE goes before me ALWAYS gives me immense comfort and relief to know, to LIVE each day I am on this earth for HIS purpose, all for HIS glory, honor, and praise.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

Even in understanding all of that, there is one major problem....... I, Heather am so freaking human.  What I mean is, I think, act, and speak like a human more often than I should, and well to be honest, in doing all of that I get sidetracked from doing HIS good work, and my enemy, Satan laughs all the way to my downfall.  So many times I am fully aware that what I am saying, doing, or thinking isn't honoring, yet I don't care.  Why?  Because I am tired..... I am so sick and tired of being treated horribly, judged, and hurt by other peoples words, and actions.  I am tired of being let down.... hurt, and left in tears by people.  I am tired of saying, "well they just don't understand.... "and allow their words to sink into my mind, and flow into my heart.  I am just plain tired, and worn out.... I'm done with people, with life, and well.... this my dear friends is your invite to my pity party.  

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Now I know what you're thinking... uh, Heather get in line.... doesn't everyone?  Sadly, yes, however since my desire to do what is HIS best for my life, far outweighs.... well honestly, hating on, and speaking terribly of people.  Therefore, I am confessing, repenting, and seeking HIS forgiveness to cleanse me of this hate filled, jealous, angry, bitter heart.  Today I am seeking HIM with arms held high and abandoned in choosing to TRUST HIM that HIS plan is so much better for me than the ugliness that is brewing, festering, and cultivating deep from within my heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

Once again I caught up in HIS grace, and so incredibly blown away by HIS endless pursuit for me to know HIM, TRUST HIM and love HIM as HE loves me far greater than I could EVER comprehend.  I am so thankful to know that HE is walking with me, even when I don't feel HIM with me.  I am thankful that I am truly living out and experiencing HIS promises that HIS word is TRUE that HE is with me, and will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  I am thankful that HE has wrecked me heart in the best way in rescuing me from myself, and showing me the better way.... HIS way.

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that even if you feel alone, I pray that you will come to know HIM and HIS word to be true.  To know that even though your in an ocean of immense struggle, difficulty, and pain,I pray that you will come to know that  HE is there.  I pray today that you will open your heart to HIM, seek HIM, and allow yourself to be caught up in HIS grace, and flooded with HIS peace, and showered with HIS love.

Always, in love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

worth the risk....

Risk.... that is something that I would have never even thought of being apart of my life.... that is until.... I was shoved off a cliff into the deepest ocean I've ever known.  The storm that has raged in my life for the past almost two years now has leveled me, angered me, and broken me into a billion little pieces.  This massive storm has shook me to my core, and has tested my faith at every level, and quite honestly has made me close my eyes to HIM, turn a deaf ear to HIM, and has taunted me to speak words of NO, and HOW COULD YOU, WHY, and most regrettably..... I DON'T TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART.  

I guess you could say that for the past four months I've been hiding.  Trying so desperately to erase the pain, the heartache, and allow the grief to numb so that the bitter, angry, jealous, and hate filled tears would stop.  My heart has turned so jealous of everyone and everything that is good, happy, or even just mundane.  People living "normal" happy uneventful lives.... well I hated them.... it pains me to say that, but in order to break the chains that are binding me, I must BE transparent in admitting to where I have allowed my heart to go.

For the past four months I have been fooling myself in thinking that I would be okay if I just stayed home, away from people, and focused on only my family.  I kept hoping that if I stopped writing, journaling, and blogging that I would feel better.  I kept hoping that my talks with HIM would be enough.... that if I shared my heart with HIM, HE wouldn't ask anything more of me, because I was so desperately broken.  I kept hoping that my days of LIVING out loud for HIM, BEING HIS MESSENGER, would be over, and I would be able to just stay protected under HIS wings, and NOT have to worry about being targeted anymore.  

However, the more I "tried" the harder my days became, and the more depressed, sad, angry, jealous, and lonely I became.  When my heart couldn't take it anymore, I reached out to my soul sister S in a text that all I could muster up was..... I miss you....:'(  She texted me back almost instantly and thus began a conversation that my heart had been needing to have.  At one point she asked me, "You and JESUS, how are things?"  The tears began to stream from my eyes, as I began to pour my heart out to her.  Through a series of texts that night, my heart was captured, and my focused was shifted, as my perspective was changed.... and the challenge of HE is worth the RISK was brought about.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Once again HE has captured my heart and attention in letting me know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurt, and how scared I am to BE anything for HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that even though I may not feel it, or see it, HE is most definitely worth the risk.  ALL because HE created me ON PURPOSE for HIS PURPOSE to LIVE this life as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.  The kind of HOPE that can only be known and understood as not everyone suffers the loss of their child.  HIS HOPE that has been planted, watered, and sowed deeply into my heart, that when the time came I would be ready to cultivate that HOPE and share it with others who too are hurting just as badly as me.  

" We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HE is letting me know that in hiding because I couldn't bear the thought of being thrown off another cliff, and my tremendous fear of the ocean, that is how the enemy, my enemy was winning.  That very thought brings out the most intense righteous anger I've ever known, as if I can't give up, because my enemy will win, well I sure as heck am NOT going to HIDE, or SHUT UP, or SHUT DOWN for another second.  NO I'M going to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that I am HIS, and I am CHOSEN, LOVED, and I am taking up my cross, and SHINING HIS LIGHT for ALL the world to SEE.  I am saying here and now that HE is WORTH THE RISK...... even worth the risk of the cliffs, oceans, tears, sadness, loss, grief, and heartbreak.  HE is WORTH it all, as HIS HOPE is ALIVE in me, and I am anchored in HIS HOPE to HIM that one day HE WILL wipe away every single tear, and my enemy WILL be destroyed, and I won't EVER have to hurt EVER again.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

" Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

HE is WORTH THE RISK of people NOT understanding me, as what they think doesn't matter.  I am HERE for HIM, I am living for HIM.  I am NOT letting anyone or anything silence me anymore.  I am willing, I am standing, I am running and I will risk the ocean, the cliffs, to tell the world about JESUS.  

I am living proof, that even if..... your worst nightmare comes true... HE IS FAITHFUL, HE will BE THERE to catch every tear, and will COVER you with HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace.  Through my story HIS light will SHINE that though there may be seasons of darkness in your life, HIS LIGHT is always there, and even if its dim, it will SHINE enough to show you the way.  HE won't leave you, nor will HE ever forsake you.  HE is there and when you are ready, in HIS timing, HE will bring you back to your feet, and will show you the way to walk your own journey.

Today is a new day, I am thankful for that, today I am coming out of hiding, in so many ways, and I am embracing this new life, this new adventure, as I am boldly declaring, HE IS WORTH THE RISK.

My dear brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though your hearts may be broken, troubled, or burdened, I pray that you will SEE HIM, reach for HIM, and allow HIM to help you.  HE is our SAVIOR HE loves each of us, and knows us better than we know ourselves.  I pray that today you too will allow HIM to break the chains that are binding you up, and you too will be able to stand and say HE IS WORTH THE RISK.  

Always with love, compassion, and understanding,

Your sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

in search of healing....

Days go by so quickly now.... and tears still fall so readily.... as the pain in my broken and weary heart pours out of me.  I spend a lot of time in prayer these days, as its all I can do..... as each wave of grief hits, and new understanding, and acceptance to this life that I didn't choose, nor would I have ever imagined being mine.... quite honestly has leveled me, and left me in its dust.  Tired and weary from struggling, suffering, aching, and longing, I have found myself in search of healing.

"But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears." Psalm 18:6

My search has led me straight to HIS loving arms.... the very same arms that have held me, comforted me, lifted me, and carried me throughout this immense heartbreak and loss of my precious Seth Daniel.  I wish I could say that I've always felt HIS love for me, and in turned loved HIM, sadly.... I've been more angry at HIM that HE allowed such immense heartbreak and loss in my life, and my families life.

Anger has overflowed as each rough day of grief hits with my children, and when the enemy taunts each of us of what we had, lost, and will NEVER have again...... to which we give in, get angry, scream, shout, and fall apart.  Angry tears flow from my eyes more often than tears of sadness.  Anger that NOT only did we lose Seth, but we lost our lives.... what I mean is NOTHING is nor will EVER be the same ever again.  This more than anything angers me..... but because HE loves me, and I'm clinging to HIS promises to me, I'm searching for HIS TRUTH, to speak, to breathe in, to meditate on, to soak in, to LIVE OUT, all for HIS purpose for my life.  

Even in my anger I still hear HIS voice, HIS voice of TRUTH telling me that HE understands why I am angry, but filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that even though I may not SEE it or know it, HE is, has, and will continue to work EVERYTHING out for my good.  This..... is my greatest struggle..... trusting HIM, that the BEST IS YET TO COME and EVERYTHING is in HIS TIMING and NOT mine.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

In search of healing has found me falling to my knees repenting, seeking HIM, HIS will, HIS way for my life.  Searching so much that tomorrow, I am stepping out of my protective shell and going to church for the first time in over three months.  Truthfully I've missed it terribly, but the very thought of meeting anyone new, or having to talk to someone once knew.... I say that because, once knew is before my life was devastatingly altered the moment I found Seth lifeless...... so even missing church, feeling alive, honestly has scared the hell out of me.  

In search of healing has created an immense desire in me to know HIM even more that I already do, to BE HIS ambassador, HIS living messenger, HIS CHOSEN, HIS BELOVED, HIS Daughter, whom HE cares for and loves more deeply than anyone ever could.  This desire I know and BELIEVE is what HE planted, and deeply rooted in me many years ago, so that in the darkest, most devastatingly tragic season of  my life, I would be able to press in, lean in, cling to, to BE HIS LIGHT, and claim HIS promises for my life, as my FAITH in HIM, kept me ANCHORED to HIM through HIS promise of HOPE for eternity with HIM.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain" Hebrews 6:19

Yesterday as I was driving I found myself drowning in tears once again..... crying out, "LORD people.... they just don't understand..... I don't want to hurt anymore, I hate this, I hate missing Seth.... I miss him so terribly... my Sethie.... oh my Sethie..... please LORD.... hug him and kiss him for me....." as more tears fell, my prayers changed, and evolved into, "LORD I need YOU in all of this, I NEED YOU to show me, lead me, and teach me, how to BE, do, think, and speak so that I will BE SHINING YOUR LIGHT in the darkness of grief.  As soon as my prayers changed, I felt lighter, as HE dried my tears, and flooded me with HIS PEACE.  The rest of my drive home, HE filled me with HIS promises, and reminded me of ALL of HIS blessings that HE has filled my life with.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

I wish so badly I could say that whenever I feel sad, I just run to HIM in search of healing, however that is not always true.  Most of the time..... ugh I have this problem in being human, and well my emotions, they get the best of me.  They lead me, and feed me.  I guess you could say I'm emotionally led, and fed...... which makes walking through grief even harder as I fall apart more, and gain even more weight.

In search of healing has started me on another journey of weight loss, this time for my health, as I'm at the highest weight I've ever been.  This past month my oldest daughter M blessed me with a gym membership, and promised to be my partner, my workout buddy for this entire journey.  I am so thankful and grateful for this sweet girl, my first born whom I get to call mine.

In search of healing has opened my eyes to HIS JOY, my precious baby girl Joy who is eight months old today.  Through Joy HE has fulfilled many of HIS promises to our family.  Through Joy I'm laughing again,with a deeper appreciation and understanding of just how blessed I am to have this precious baby girl to hold.  Through Joy.... through Seth.... I know can SEE my children through HIS eyes, as HIS BELOVED, HIS CHOSEN, HIS LIGHT SHINERS, and am able to seek HIM to teach, lead, and guide them to HIM, HIS promises, HIS love, HIS grace, HIS peace, and HIS mercy so that they too will be ABLE to live out HIS purpose for each of their lives.

In search of healing was placed on my heart today through yet another song, this one by Chris Tomlin, titled JESUS.  How fitting, as the lyrics began to flood my ears,and flow into my heart, and seep deep into my weary soul.  Renewing my spirit with HIS blessed assurance that HE is indeed for me, and NOT against me, and in choosing to speak HIS TRUTH, claim HIS promises for my life, that is how I will know that my healing is held in HIS hands.

Today my dear brothers and sisters I will leave you with the lyrics of this powerful song that led me straight into HIS loving arms, to BE HIS light, in darkness of this life for those who are grieving and suffering.

There is a truth older than the ages, there is a promise of things yet to come

There is One born for our salvation, Jesus

There is a light that overwhelms the darkness, there is a kingdom that forever reigns

There is freedom from the chains that bind us, Jesus, Jesus

Who walks on the water,who speaks to the sea

Who stands in the fire beside me

He roars like a lion, He bled as the Lamb

He carries my healing in His hand, Jesus

There is a name I call in times of trouble, there is a song that comforts in the night

There is a voice that calms the storm that rages, Jesus, Jesus

 

Messiah, my Savior, there is power in Your name

You're my rock and my redeemer, there is power in Your name

In Your name

 

You walk on the water, You speak to the sea, You stand in the fire beside me

You roar like a lion, You bled as the Lamb

You carried my healing in Your hands

 

God, You walk on the water You speak to the sea

You stand in the fire beside me

You roar like a lion, You bled as the Lamb

You carried my healing in Your hands

Always in love and prayers, and blessings,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather 

out of the pit...........

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." 
 Psalm 40:2

For the past two weeks I've fallen deep into the pit of despair once again.  Starting on Friday June 12, when one of our most beloved Christian you tube, VOICE contestant singer Christina Grimmie's life was cut too short at the tender age of 22.  My heart broke instantly for her family, for the life altering change that they were enduring, and the trauma of losing someone so young.  As if my heart weren't aching enough, Sunday morning I woke to the news that 50 people lost their lives in  a senseless mass shooting at a popular gay nightclub in Orlando.  Once again my heart broke for the families of those who lost loved ones and who's lives were forever altered.  I dropped to my knees, and prayed for each and every parent, brother, sister, family member, lover, and friend of each of the precious souls that were lost.  I also prayed for the shooter's family, in both shootings, and the loss of their own children. My heart was immensely broken knowing full well that another family was having to endure this horrific journey of loss. 

On Monday I was wiped out from crying, as I tried desperately to focus on HIS goodness.  However Tuesday morning I woke to horrific news that a precious 2 year old named Lane Graves, was snatched at the Grand Floridian Resort at Walt Disney World by an alligator, while wading with his Daddy at the Seven Seas Lagoon.  Immediately tears fell from my broken and weary heart.  Prayers of tears flowed like streams and pooled at my feet as oceans.  As I cried for the boys parents, and older sister, and through my tears I began to relieve my grief and my sorrow took over and threw me right back into the pit of despair that we were in the moments of losing Seth.  I was consumed with RIGHTEOUS Anger for the trauma we endured in losing Seth, and the trauma that they too endured in losing their precious son Lane.

On the day that we lost Seth..... I quite literally lost my mind.  To this day I can't process things as easily as I once did, and yet I find myself with a much deeper understanding of WHO HE is, and how HE is the CREATOR of the HEAVENS and the Earth, and that means that no matter what plans I have for my life, or my families life, HIS WILL is what will be DONE.  Even if it means that my heart is going to break beyond all human comprehension..... and I won't be able to hold my head up anymore, and I will struggle to pray, instead I will groan in agony as I begin to face each and everyday after our devastating loss of our precious Seth Daniel.  

In feeling the need to be transparent, I can tell you that I've been so desperately broken in trying to pick up the pieces of my life, my children's live's and my marriage.  I have struggled immensely to do life with people, and have struggled to even leave my house to go anywhere I wouldn't be able to keep oblivious to this world that I am so desperately broken.

The truth is this world..... is so desperately broken, but yet continues to strive to "pretend" that life is really okay, and that even though bad things have happened, are happening and will happen HE is still good.  I will be the first to tell you that statement is TRUE, however being desperately broken, is so painfully unbearable, and the feeling of failure is immense when you know HE is with you, and yet the pain is so overwhelming.  It is in these times that I find myself deep in the pit of despair once again, because each and every step I take hurts, with a pain unimaginable, and all the while I'm clinging on to HIS HOPE by my fingernails, tears streaming down my face...... choosing to TRUST HIM..... knowing full well HE is the ONE WHO allowed my heart to be so tremendously broken.  

It is in the pit that the enemy, my enemy..... Satan attacks me....... and he doesn't let up..... not for even a breaths time.  When I am in the pit, my mind is flooded with thoughts of anger, anxiety, bitterness, jealousy, and hatred towards anyone and everyone who is living their lives.  Suddenly I'm bombarded by precious two, three, and four year old boys.  I'm constantly having my heart stab with with visions of all that we are missing out on.  When I am in the pit..... so are my children.... as they are the ones WHO are looking to me to guide them to HIM.... to LIVE out HIS HOPE for them.  To speak, and proclaim HIS promises for our families lives.  When we are all in the pit..... life is.......  horrendously unbearable.  Our relationships suffer, and our words, actions, and thoughts are everything but GODLY.

It pains me to know that I am responsible for these precious lives, and here I am wasting time being angry and allowing the enemy to knock me down and out.  This past week however, I reached up and out of the pit for help.  I cried out to HIM, and HE placed on my heart the people of WHOM I was to reach out to, HIS people WHOM HE has strategically placed in my life to SPEAK HIS truth to me.  Just today one of my soul-sisters spoke HIS truth to me about how HE will walk this journey with me, but HE won't walk it for me.  She lovingly reminding me that at some point in my journey of grief, as devastatingly hard as it is, I, Heather HIS WARRIOR MUST get up, PUT ON HIS ARMOR, and walk, FIGHT, and RUN with ENDURANCE.

Upon hearing this I knew she was right, however the very thought of walking through this pain, with this pain, and everything in between felt so daunting.  However if I've learned anything in the past almost two years of this journey of grieving and suffering is that HE promises to provide me comfort and rest when I can't stand anymore, however that doesn't mean that I will be allowed to NEVER walk again.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is reminding me that HE is with me ALWAYS, and that when I come to the end of myself, HE is there waiting for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE has been waiting for me to get out of my own way, so that I would be able to HEAR HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurting, and how much I so desperately fear being hurt EVER again...... HE knows..... and that is WHY HE is reaching down with HIS hand, and pulling me up OUT OF THE PIT.

I am thankful that HE loves me so much that HE won't allow me to remain in the pit for long before sending HIS messengers of HOPE to reach out, and SHINE HIS light for me to SEE, filling me with HIS reminders of WHOSE I am, and WHO HE IS in me.  I am thankful that I am living proof that with HIM, and through HIM you can rise up OUT of the PIT.  I am thankful for my life, my story, and for HIM giving me the amazing opportunity to advance HIS Kingdom in this broken and fallen world.

I still fully BELIEVE HIS promises that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and that in and through HIS TIMING I WILL BE brought back to my feet, to BE HIS LIGHT, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, a SPEAKER, and TEACHER of HIS WORD, a SHEPHERD to other grieving parents, just as HE has placed those people in my life, to SHEPHERD me to straight into HIS arms, to BE filled with HIS LOVE, STRENGTH, MERCY, GRACE, PEACE, HOPE, and LIGHT.

Today I read this quote on another grieving Mama's blog..... we will run like horses.... risking the ocean..... telling all the world about JESUS.  This my dear friends, is my prayer for not only my life, but yours as well.  I pray that we all will grow closer to HIM the more we are in HIS word, and seek HIM to SEE all that HE is doing in our lives.  I pray today that each of us will be a blessing to someone in need...... I pray that like me, you will know HIS light is in you, and it's your time to SHINE for JESUS.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

always, with love, grace, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather