strength to forgive.....

My life has been a series of test, trials, and storms all teaching me, leading me and guiding me on HIS path of forgiveness.  HE has called me to forgive so many people in my life, and well I have.... that is until..... ugh.... now.....

Today while driving to pick my oldest up from work I felt a huge lump in my throat as I struggled to pray out, praise out the ugliness that was buried deep within.  I spent a better part of my day looking up snarky, and sarcastic, and down right mean meme's that explained exactly how I felt.  The meaner they were the more I laughed, and the harder I laughed the more pull I felt from deep within my soul.  Wanting so desperately to share, post, text, and write about how angry, jealous, and just ticked off I am at the world, and all its shiny happy, my life is so great, and amazing people..... ugh..... ugliness.  

It wasn't until during a worship song that the singer praying and said , "HE IS A GOOD FATHER, WHO LOVES us,  not because we are good, but because HE is good."  Immediately my tears flowed, ugly, bitter, angry, hate filled, heartbroken tears fell from my weary eyes.  All I could think of was, "great I am in the ocean..... again......"  With a trembling voice, I approached HIS throne, and said, "I know YOU'RE good, and YOU are perfect in ALL of YOUR ways.... it's just this struggling.... this immense ocean of grief and sorrow.... the suffering.... the heartache... the tears...... all of it is too overwhelming."  

Heart wrenching tears fell onto my shirt, and clouded my eyes to the point where if I didn't stop crying, I would surely have to pull over till my eyes became clear again, In trying so desperately to understand and accept that this journey that I am on is HIS plan that I am called, was CHOSEN for on PURPOSE to embrace, to LIVE, to BE HIS LIGHT as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.... I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Heather I know I've hurt you, disappointed you, and wrecked you with all of this.  I'VE led you on a journey of forgiveness to teach you, show you, how when the time came that you would be ABLE to forgive ME for what I have allowed to happen in your life.  No matter how hard it may seem or become I am asking you to FORGIVE ME."  With that I sobbed out the words.... "LORD JESUS please give me strength to forgive."

"He gives strength to the weary  and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me, leading me, and guiding me to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, disappointed me, and let me down.  Not only to forgive people, but most importantly forgive HIM so that HE will be ABLE to lead me down HIS path of forgiveness where HIS grace abounds, mercy is new, and peace flows.  The written path for my life for which I am on this journey towards wholeness to BE HIS CHOSEN BELOVED LIGHT SHINER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, to share, to speak, to LIVE out fully HIS love for not only me, but for the last, the least and the lost.

" But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16

HE is wanting me to know that it has been HIS plan for others to SEE me, hear me, and know me as HIS CHOSEN ONE WHO TRUSTS HIM FULLY with EVERYTHING no matter what happens. This cross that I am called to carry, to be HIS follower is one that I am stumbling all over the place with, but HIS grace is abundant in picking me back up when I stumble, HE is letting me know that I NEVER need to worry about how I will be able to forgive as it is HIS strength that HE will, has, and continues to pour into me in order to BE WHO HE has created me to BE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

This for me is overwhelming, and yet soothing all at the same time.  Overwhelming as I dread at times what the next test, trial, or storm will be in my life, and soothing as HIS loving reminder that I am NOT alone, HE goes before me ALWAYS gives me immense comfort and relief to know, to LIVE each day I am on this earth for HIS purpose, all for HIS glory, honor, and praise.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

Even in understanding all of that, there is one major problem....... I, Heather am so freaking human.  What I mean is, I think, act, and speak like a human more often than I should, and well to be honest, in doing all of that I get sidetracked from doing HIS good work, and my enemy, Satan laughs all the way to my downfall.  So many times I am fully aware that what I am saying, doing, or thinking isn't honoring, yet I don't care.  Why?  Because I am tired..... I am so sick and tired of being treated horribly, judged, and hurt by other peoples words, and actions.  I am tired of being let down.... hurt, and left in tears by people.  I am tired of saying, "well they just don't understand.... "and allow their words to sink into my mind, and flow into my heart.  I am just plain tired, and worn out.... I'm done with people, with life, and well.... this my dear friends is your invite to my pity party.  

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Now I know what you're thinking... uh, Heather get in line.... doesn't everyone?  Sadly, yes, however since my desire to do what is HIS best for my life, far outweighs.... well honestly, hating on, and speaking terribly of people.  Therefore, I am confessing, repenting, and seeking HIS forgiveness to cleanse me of this hate filled, jealous, angry, bitter heart.  Today I am seeking HIM with arms held high and abandoned in choosing to TRUST HIM that HIS plan is so much better for me than the ugliness that is brewing, festering, and cultivating deep from within my heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

Once again I caught up in HIS grace, and so incredibly blown away by HIS endless pursuit for me to know HIM, TRUST HIM and love HIM as HE loves me far greater than I could EVER comprehend.  I am so thankful to know that HE is walking with me, even when I don't feel HIM with me.  I am thankful that I am truly living out and experiencing HIS promises that HIS word is TRUE that HE is with me, and will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  I am thankful that HE has wrecked me heart in the best way in rescuing me from myself, and showing me the better way.... HIS way.

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that even if you feel alone, I pray that you will come to know HIM and HIS word to be true.  To know that even though your in an ocean of immense struggle, difficulty, and pain,I pray that you will come to know that  HE is there.  I pray today that you will open your heart to HIM, seek HIM, and allow yourself to be caught up in HIS grace, and flooded with HIS peace, and showered with HIS love.

Always, in love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather