soon

While I had no intention of writing today, HE had other plans for me.  While cleaning my bathroom and listening to music, the song "Soon" came on.  Instantly I stopped what I was doing to listen to the lyrics.  HIS loving message to me.  "Hold tight Dear Heart, soon and very soon."  

A few months ago I was reading what another bereaved Mama had wrote, and I noticed that she wrote "soon and very soon."  I figured it was just something private within their family, but still I kept thinking about what that meant.  The same Mama talked about risking the ocean to tell the world all about JESUS.  To be honest I was frustrated as to why I couldn't have that same mindset.  After all my mindset was focused on the immense pain, heartache, and struggle that I had been facing and living with for the past two years.  Not only that, but watching my husband and my children struggle as well.  Seeing their tears, made mine fall even harder, angry, bitter tears as to why didn't my children matter?  I mean sure hurt me, test me, put me through the storm.... but why them?  Why my precious son who is just seven.  Who at the tender age of five kissed his little brothers face for the last time on October 19, 2014.  Why LORD Why?  

Clinging to HIS promise that one day I would understand, and that I just needed to HOLD ON to HIS HOPE, I kept searching for answers, and kept reading other parents stories of losing their precious children.  Though each loss so different, on thing remained.  Their FAITH in HIM, their TRUST in HIM, and HIS words flowing with HOPE out of their mouths.  Again all of this left me in bitter tears, as to WHY LORD?  WHY can't I figure this out?  WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp.... to embrace.... to accept?  How LORD?  How in the world am I to do this for the rest of my life here?

Soon and very soon kept playing over and over in my mind.... and well because we've already established in my other posts that I am indeed a sllllllooooow learner.... it wasn't until today that HE prepared my heart over the past few days to HEAR HIS WHISPER straight to my heart today.  "Soon and VERY SOON Dear Heart"

Sitting here now, I am in complete awe of HIM as I've been praying and crying so much the past six months as to when LORD, when will I be writing again?  When will I feel like me again?  All the while not realizing the me I have been searching for is  a new me...someone who I don't recognize because I've been through a total transformation, given new HOPE, new precious life, and now a NEW Message to share that goes deeper than HIS message that I was called to share before.  

In order to fully embrace this new life that I have been given, this new purpose to LIVE out, HE is giving me HIS words to hold onto.  Listening to "Soon" over and over HE is speaking to the deepest part of my weary soul.  Though no longer shattered, still broken, but in CHOOSING to TRUST HIM with EVERYTHING HE is building me stronger.  Today I am clinging to this very thought.  

"I will be with the ONE I love, with unveiled face I'll see HIM, then my soul will be satisfied, soon and very soon"  

HE is wanting me to always remember that "soon" in HIS timing not my own, which isn't for me to understand, but rather to TRUST.  This is difficult for me, as I am an extremely impatient person when it comes to wanting to be done with a test, trial, or storm.  More than ever I am clinging to my FAITH FULL of HIS HOPE of HIS PROMISE of FOREVER that is waiting for me.  In clinging to "soon and very soon,"  HE is pouring HIS STRENGTH into me to go another day.  Write another post, BE HIS light, all the while HE is flooding me with HIS PEACE that through troubles will come my way, as they always do, HE is right there with me, and when I CHOOSE to TRUST HIM in my journey towards wholeness, I WILL one day meet HIM face to face, and HE will say the words that I have longed to hear "WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT."

Today though I may NOT SEE all that HE is doing, HE is once again filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that "soon" I will SEE ALL that HE is doing even when I don't SEE HIM.  Today I am thankful that HE has once again heard my cries of "Where are YOU?"  HE is filling my weary achy heart with HIS promise and flooding me with HIS unfailing LOVE and abundant GRACE.

"In my distress I called to the Lord;I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ JESUS,

I pray that you will know that though you may feel as if no one understands, or that you're all alone in this world.  I pray that you will open your heart and mind to HIM and allow HIM to drench you in HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace, and HE showers you with HIS unfailing love.  I pray that if you feel as though you've made a huge mistake, or many mistakes in your life, I pray that you will know that HE already knows, and HIS grace is enough for you.  HE loves you HE is your Savior, and HIS promise that HE has spoken through me today is for you.  I'm so sorry my sweet friends for your hurting hearts, your broken spirits.  Lean into HIM, press into HIM, cry deep into HIS chest, HE cares, HE is there.  I pray that in my transparency today that you will SEE HIS goodness and mercy that is waiting for you.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Always with so much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

strength to forgive.....

My life has been a series of test, trials, and storms all teaching me, leading me and guiding me on HIS path of forgiveness.  HE has called me to forgive so many people in my life, and well I have.... that is until..... ugh.... now.....

Today while driving to pick my oldest up from work I felt a huge lump in my throat as I struggled to pray out, praise out the ugliness that was buried deep within.  I spent a better part of my day looking up snarky, and sarcastic, and down right mean meme's that explained exactly how I felt.  The meaner they were the more I laughed, and the harder I laughed the more pull I felt from deep within my soul.  Wanting so desperately to share, post, text, and write about how angry, jealous, and just ticked off I am at the world, and all its shiny happy, my life is so great, and amazing people..... ugh..... ugliness.  

It wasn't until during a worship song that the singer praying and said , "HE IS A GOOD FATHER, WHO LOVES us,  not because we are good, but because HE is good."  Immediately my tears flowed, ugly, bitter, angry, hate filled, heartbroken tears fell from my weary eyes.  All I could think of was, "great I am in the ocean..... again......"  With a trembling voice, I approached HIS throne, and said, "I know YOU'RE good, and YOU are perfect in ALL of YOUR ways.... it's just this struggling.... this immense ocean of grief and sorrow.... the suffering.... the heartache... the tears...... all of it is too overwhelming."  

Heart wrenching tears fell onto my shirt, and clouded my eyes to the point where if I didn't stop crying, I would surely have to pull over till my eyes became clear again, In trying so desperately to understand and accept that this journey that I am on is HIS plan that I am called, was CHOSEN for on PURPOSE to embrace, to LIVE, to BE HIS LIGHT as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.... I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Heather I know I've hurt you, disappointed you, and wrecked you with all of this.  I'VE led you on a journey of forgiveness to teach you, show you, how when the time came that you would be ABLE to forgive ME for what I have allowed to happen in your life.  No matter how hard it may seem or become I am asking you to FORGIVE ME."  With that I sobbed out the words.... "LORD JESUS please give me strength to forgive."

"He gives strength to the weary  and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me, leading me, and guiding me to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, disappointed me, and let me down.  Not only to forgive people, but most importantly forgive HIM so that HE will be ABLE to lead me down HIS path of forgiveness where HIS grace abounds, mercy is new, and peace flows.  The written path for my life for which I am on this journey towards wholeness to BE HIS CHOSEN BELOVED LIGHT SHINER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE, HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, to share, to speak, to LIVE out fully HIS love for not only me, but for the last, the least and the lost.

" But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Exodus 9:16

HE is wanting me to know that it has been HIS plan for others to SEE me, hear me, and know me as HIS CHOSEN ONE WHO TRUSTS HIM FULLY with EVERYTHING no matter what happens. This cross that I am called to carry, to be HIS follower is one that I am stumbling all over the place with, but HIS grace is abundant in picking me back up when I stumble, HE is letting me know that I NEVER need to worry about how I will be able to forgive as it is HIS strength that HE will, has, and continues to pour into me in order to BE WHO HE has created me to BE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

This for me is overwhelming, and yet soothing all at the same time.  Overwhelming as I dread at times what the next test, trial, or storm will be in my life, and soothing as HIS loving reminder that I am NOT alone, HE goes before me ALWAYS gives me immense comfort and relief to know, to LIVE each day I am on this earth for HIS purpose, all for HIS glory, honor, and praise.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

Even in understanding all of that, there is one major problem....... I, Heather am so freaking human.  What I mean is, I think, act, and speak like a human more often than I should, and well to be honest, in doing all of that I get sidetracked from doing HIS good work, and my enemy, Satan laughs all the way to my downfall.  So many times I am fully aware that what I am saying, doing, or thinking isn't honoring, yet I don't care.  Why?  Because I am tired..... I am so sick and tired of being treated horribly, judged, and hurt by other peoples words, and actions.  I am tired of being let down.... hurt, and left in tears by people.  I am tired of saying, "well they just don't understand.... "and allow their words to sink into my mind, and flow into my heart.  I am just plain tired, and worn out.... I'm done with people, with life, and well.... this my dear friends is your invite to my pity party.  

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Now I know what you're thinking... uh, Heather get in line.... doesn't everyone?  Sadly, yes, however since my desire to do what is HIS best for my life, far outweighs.... well honestly, hating on, and speaking terribly of people.  Therefore, I am confessing, repenting, and seeking HIS forgiveness to cleanse me of this hate filled, jealous, angry, bitter heart.  Today I am seeking HIM with arms held high and abandoned in choosing to TRUST HIM that HIS plan is so much better for me than the ugliness that is brewing, festering, and cultivating deep from within my heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

Once again I caught up in HIS grace, and so incredibly blown away by HIS endless pursuit for me to know HIM, TRUST HIM and love HIM as HE loves me far greater than I could EVER comprehend.  I am so thankful to know that HE is walking with me, even when I don't feel HIM with me.  I am thankful that I am truly living out and experiencing HIS promises that HIS word is TRUE that HE is with me, and will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  I am thankful that HE has wrecked me heart in the best way in rescuing me from myself, and showing me the better way.... HIS way.

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that even if you feel alone, I pray that you will come to know HIM and HIS word to be true.  To know that even though your in an ocean of immense struggle, difficulty, and pain,I pray that you will come to know that  HE is there.  I pray today that you will open your heart to HIM, seek HIM, and allow yourself to be caught up in HIS grace, and flooded with HIS peace, and showered with HIS love.

Always, in love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

worth the risk....

Risk.... that is something that I would have never even thought of being apart of my life.... that is until.... I was shoved off a cliff into the deepest ocean I've ever known.  The storm that has raged in my life for the past almost two years now has leveled me, angered me, and broken me into a billion little pieces.  This massive storm has shook me to my core, and has tested my faith at every level, and quite honestly has made me close my eyes to HIM, turn a deaf ear to HIM, and has taunted me to speak words of NO, and HOW COULD YOU, WHY, and most regrettably..... I DON'T TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART.  

I guess you could say that for the past four months I've been hiding.  Trying so desperately to erase the pain, the heartache, and allow the grief to numb so that the bitter, angry, jealous, and hate filled tears would stop.  My heart has turned so jealous of everyone and everything that is good, happy, or even just mundane.  People living "normal" happy uneventful lives.... well I hated them.... it pains me to say that, but in order to break the chains that are binding me, I must BE transparent in admitting to where I have allowed my heart to go.

For the past four months I have been fooling myself in thinking that I would be okay if I just stayed home, away from people, and focused on only my family.  I kept hoping that if I stopped writing, journaling, and blogging that I would feel better.  I kept hoping that my talks with HIM would be enough.... that if I shared my heart with HIM, HE wouldn't ask anything more of me, because I was so desperately broken.  I kept hoping that my days of LIVING out loud for HIM, BEING HIS MESSENGER, would be over, and I would be able to just stay protected under HIS wings, and NOT have to worry about being targeted anymore.  

However, the more I "tried" the harder my days became, and the more depressed, sad, angry, jealous, and lonely I became.  When my heart couldn't take it anymore, I reached out to my soul sister S in a text that all I could muster up was..... I miss you....:'(  She texted me back almost instantly and thus began a conversation that my heart had been needing to have.  At one point she asked me, "You and JESUS, how are things?"  The tears began to stream from my eyes, as I began to pour my heart out to her.  Through a series of texts that night, my heart was captured, and my focused was shifted, as my perspective was changed.... and the challenge of HE is worth the RISK was brought about.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Once again HE has captured my heart and attention in letting me know that HE knows how badly I've been hurt, am hurt, and how scared I am to BE anything for HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that even though I may not feel it, or see it, HE is most definitely worth the risk.  ALL because HE created me ON PURPOSE for HIS PURPOSE to LIVE this life as HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.  The kind of HOPE that can only be known and understood as not everyone suffers the loss of their child.  HIS HOPE that has been planted, watered, and sowed deeply into my heart, that when the time came I would be ready to cultivate that HOPE and share it with others who too are hurting just as badly as me.  

" We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HE is letting me know that in hiding because I couldn't bear the thought of being thrown off another cliff, and my tremendous fear of the ocean, that is how the enemy, my enemy was winning.  That very thought brings out the most intense righteous anger I've ever known, as if I can't give up, because my enemy will win, well I sure as heck am NOT going to HIDE, or SHUT UP, or SHUT DOWN for another second.  NO I'M going to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS that I am HIS, and I am CHOSEN, LOVED, and I am taking up my cross, and SHINING HIS LIGHT for ALL the world to SEE.  I am saying here and now that HE is WORTH THE RISK...... even worth the risk of the cliffs, oceans, tears, sadness, loss, grief, and heartbreak.  HE is WORTH it all, as HIS HOPE is ALIVE in me, and I am anchored in HIS HOPE to HIM that one day HE WILL wipe away every single tear, and my enemy WILL be destroyed, and I won't EVER have to hurt EVER again.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

" Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

HE is WORTH THE RISK of people NOT understanding me, as what they think doesn't matter.  I am HERE for HIM, I am living for HIM.  I am NOT letting anyone or anything silence me anymore.  I am willing, I am standing, I am running and I will risk the ocean, the cliffs, to tell the world about JESUS.  

I am living proof, that even if..... your worst nightmare comes true... HE IS FAITHFUL, HE will BE THERE to catch every tear, and will COVER you with HIS grace, and flood you with HIS peace.  Through my story HIS light will SHINE that though there may be seasons of darkness in your life, HIS LIGHT is always there, and even if its dim, it will SHINE enough to show you the way.  HE won't leave you, nor will HE ever forsake you.  HE is there and when you are ready, in HIS timing, HE will bring you back to your feet, and will show you the way to walk your own journey.

Today is a new day, I am thankful for that, today I am coming out of hiding, in so many ways, and I am embracing this new life, this new adventure, as I am boldly declaring, HE IS WORTH THE RISK.

My dear brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though your hearts may be broken, troubled, or burdened, I pray that you will SEE HIM, reach for HIM, and allow HIM to help you.  HE is our SAVIOR HE loves each of us, and knows us better than we know ourselves.  I pray that today you too will allow HIM to break the chains that are binding you up, and you too will be able to stand and say HE IS WORTH THE RISK.  

Always with love, compassion, and understanding,

Your sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather