begin again.....

The descent from the jagged cliff, where I plunged into the deepest ocean of agony that I've ever known, to riding the waves of sorrow, as they crushed, and assaulted my shattered heart. I survived the next eighteen months until I finally found myself on the distant shores of the most horrific tragedy I'd ever known, waking up to a life of which I could have never imagined, nor ever wanted.   Crawling on my hands and knees, struggling to stand, I kept reaching up, until one day I was finally able to stand.  Upon standing I quickly realized that in order for me to move I had to be willing to take a step, and that would require TRUST for HIM.  In my heart I knew..... my life, the old me, when we were seven life was over, and if we were going to move beyond living in the aftermath, I was going to have to be willing to begin again.

Begin again.... the very thought sends me into a tailspin of emotions, both of elation, and fear.  Elated because that means that I'm moving farther from the devastating loss of my son, the most horrific week of my life, and the more time that has passed, the more HE has healed my aching heart.  Fearful because I have this precious little girl who is rapidly becoming a full fledged toddler, and her mannerisms, her personality is much like that of her older brother Seth.  I find myself living in dejavu moments with her, that take me back to precious memories of when life was simple, agony didn't exist, and my heart wasn't shattered.  It is in those moments where fear grips me so tight that I can hardly breathe, that I cry JESUS please help me, as its all can manage to say, as the tears flow, and the what if's try to invade my every thought.

What if HE lets my heart be broken again?  What if HE asks for Joy back?  What if I don't trust HIM, what will happen to me?  So many thoughts and so many questions wreck me, and leave me exhausted.  So much I find myself begging HIM for relief, knowing full well that it's going to take effort from me to receive such relief.   The thought I struggle with most in begin again is knowing that HE is rebuilding me, and strengthening me to be fearless, and what if...... that means HE's asking me to risk it all again?  Will I survive?

For a while now I've been hanging around the base of the mountain of TRUST with HIM, for HIM, as I'm terrified to even climb, as the fall terrifies me.  Even a stumble these days can throw me into a day of tears, that hurt.   I know that every morning when I wake up, I know its going to take a tremendous amount of effort, and TRUST in HIM and for HIM for me to get through the day.  With each new day I am met with a choice.  I can either choose HIM or I can choose my flesh,  and most days I choose HIM, but on the days that I choose my flesh instead of HIS SPIRIT, oh those are my hard days.  The worst part is sometimes my hard days turn into a hard week/weeks. 

Begin again.... if I'm being honest angers me.  I am angry because I would have NEVER chosen this plan for my life, after all it certainly wasn't a part of my plan.  My plan was to raise my children together with my husband, and SEE how HIS plans would be lived out for each of their precious lives.  My plan was to pray, hope, and dream for my children, their future spouse, and families of their own.  My plan was to teach them all about HIM and how JESUS is their best friend.  My plan was to make a lifetime of memories with each of my children, so that when I die they could hold tight to their precious memories of our time together.

When I think about my plans, I also couldn't have imagined Joy to be apart of them.  After all when Seth was born, D and I were on opposite sides when it came to wanting more children.  I was willing, and he was tired.  He was worried that we wouldn't be able to give enough love and attention to each of our children, and wanted to be the best daddy to our then crew of five.  My plan was never to be sitting in a restaurant on our 16th wedding anniversary with tears streaming down my face, as just five short days earlier D and I would stand in HEAVEN's doorway and give back our son, and place our TRUST in HIM that Seth would be cared for until...... we would meet again.  My plan was never for D to hold my hands and ask if I would be willing to have another child with him, did I think GOD would bless us with another child? So much would happen that week that was NEVER a part of my plans.

The idea of begin again was placed on my heart last night as I was crying that life was hard.  I was crying because when I look back on my life, it is filled with a lifetime of hurts, and no matter how much I let go, and let HIM, there is yet another layer to be peeled back, to reveal lies that have trapped me, that have kept me from living HIS TRUTH about WHO I am, what I've been through and how I don't have to be sorry or apologize for how messy my life is.  Rather I can live with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that my circumstances don't define me, but the measure of my FAITH is found when it is revealed how I deal with my circumstances according to HIS word, HIS will, and HIS way.

Begin again frustrates me as each day I struggle to overcome my fears, and try my best to embrace this new life, this new normal that I am forced to live, to accept..... to embrace.  My new normal of my son, Seth Daniel did indeed die, he is in HEAVEN wherever that is, and whatever that means.  The idea of HEAVEN brings me to my knees, as I used to feel as if though I lived in HIS KINGDOM, and felt as if though I were living my life as a representative of HIS KINGDOM, when honestly now..... HEAVEN seems so incredibly far way, ,as that is where my child is, and all I have is this promise......... that because I BELIEVE and choose to live as HIS follower I know that one day I will be reunited with my son.

 Begin again challenges me to lean in, press into HIS word, and really understand that it's not for me to understand, but rather to TRUST that HE knows, and even though I can't HE can.  I am challenged to speak HIS TRUTH boldly into the lies that the enemy has been taunting me with and that just as the sweet gentle woman from church said to me today, "you tell Satan to go to hell in JESUS name!"  I am challenged that instead of giving into the fear that grips me, release the vice grip of my hands, and open them to receive HIS love as HE will pour HIS strength in me, over me, and through me to be able to move beyond the fear in my heart.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Begin again today means that instead of being upset that I am having to relearn concepts that HE has taught me a million times, I'm not angry that I'm learning, rather I am grateful, I am thankful that HE is relentless in HIS pursuit to fill me with HIS unfailing, unconditional, endless love.  I am thankful that HE knows how much I am needing love, and support in this difficult journey I am on, and as my dear friend M said just yesterday "look up my dear friend and see that the race that you are running, there are people their loving you and cheering you on.  You can't just look at the ground when you are running your race, because you will miss those people, who they too are running their own race"

So my dear friends my prayer today is this, look up my sweet friends, run your race, look around you and SEE all the people WHOM HE has sent to love, support, and encourage you to run your race.  I pray today that if you are tired, rest in HIM as HE is there for you.  I pray that in your time of rest you will feel HIS love for you, and that when you are ready, you too can begin your next chapter of begin again.

Always with so much love, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

fearing loss.....

Okay, I'll be honest in telling you that I check on my daughter Joy at least three to four times a night.  Each time I approach her crib with caution, I hold my breath, and "try" to prepare myself for what is to come.  As if I could really hold it together if something were wrong, that somehow because I survived finding Seth lifeless in his bed,  that somehow I would be able to handle finding Joy.  It all seems to absurd to me that I would even think this way, however when child loss becomes your reality, you tend to fear what you know, and for me that is fearing loss.

I didn't realize just how much I have been fearing loss that is until..... I found myself crying in my doctors office in realizing that my fear of losing Joy has allowed me to pull myself away from her. I realized that the older she is becoming the greater my anxiety has become in not wanting to allow myself to become too attached, as I don't now how long I will have with her. Because lately, when I look at her and she is doing something Seth did, panic rises in my throat, and I can't breathe, and I can't even cry.  All can do is think about how she is growing closer to turning two, and I'm terrified.  I am fearing loss.

This past week has kicked my butt, and knocked me down.  So much that yesterday I completely broke down, and cried from all the pressure, the stress, the everything and anything that was wrong in my life.  I broke down in my doctors office as she explained to me the benefits of the medication I had been taking, and why I should continue to take it.  I cried in realizing that my journey dealing with the mess from my childhood is far from over, the words that I was conditioned to speak of about myself, and believe about myself are wreaking complete havoc on my life.

After three hours of crying, and feeling sorry for myself, I began to pray that I would SEE HIM in all of this, and that I would SEE HIS hand at work in my life.  It wasn't until last night that I felt HIM speak to me.  HE let me know that the words I used to describe myself earlier in the day as "high maintenance" is NOT who I am, however since HE loves me so much, HE is letting me SEE that the work HE is doing within me is to change the words I speak and believe about myself.

HE let me know that what better way to teach me that I am NOT "high maintenance" than to bless me with a job, so I can earn the money I am needing to pay for the things that I deem "high maintenance" in my life.  However I am leaning into HIM, and waiting for HIM to calm my hurting heart about why it is that HE created me with the love language that I have.

It's embarrassing to write that it is words of affirmation, that of which I hardly ever received growing up, and now because I am an adult, I crave....... so much that I find myself craving what people have to say about me or to me, than I do HIM.   In HIM revealing to me that I am this way, I am crushed, as  please LORD  tell me why I was created this way.  Not only that but because I don't experience it as often as I "think" I should, it creates massive anxiety within me, as I begin fearing the loss of friendships, and relationships. As if somehow because I don't experience it the way I see other's do, I think there is something wrong with me, and I am to blame for my own sadness, and fear.

This is so hard for me as what I am learning about what I went through in my childhood has changed me in ways that whenever there is conflict, I automatically take the blame.  This is all derived from being told repeatedly I was "the spawn of Satan" and that whenever someone was sick, my mom's bleeding ulcer, and my granny's pacemaker, our families problems, and the abuse that I suffered from the time I was 4 until I was 15 was my fault, I was to blame, and if the person who hurt me would ever get into trouble it would be all my fault.

Fearing loss began at a very young age for me, as even though I was being abused, I was conditioned and manipulated into believing that he was the only one who would ever truly love me, and that if I ever told, no one would  believe me and what little I saw of my family, they would shut me out for sure.  Knowing what I was told over and over I was terrified, so much that I learned to avoid doing anything that would prompt him to say that to me.

Just as when I went to school and he would berate me everyday afterwards, now knowing and realizing he was making sure I didn't tell anyone what had been happening to me..  Very early on I learned how to disconnect from trauma in my life.  This I know is how I survived finding Seth.  It is how I was able to call the ambulance and not completely lose it to the point where I needed to be hospitalized.  It is also the reason why I was able to be with my son, and get to say all the things I needed to say to him.  Disconnect has helped me survive.

However, PTSD, is a whole other monster, and strikes when I least expect it to, and stops me in my tracks, as find myself every single night.... standing at her crib....... hoping..... praying......... gently placing my hands on her chest to see if she is still breathing.  Holding my breath and looking away when she smiles that sweet drool filled grin so much like her big brother.... so much that no matter how hard I "try" I struggle to keep the fear from taking up permanent residence deep with my heart. 

All of this fearing loss leaves me weary, tired, and broken.  I am completely exhausted from having to be transformed, renewed, rebuilt, and restored.  It all hurts, every single  bit of it, however because HE loves me HIS words are being over me, in me, and through me. 

"GOD can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing.  All you need it FAITH." Joel 2:25

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you too are in a difficult season of growth, being rebuilt,, and restored, I pray that you will know it is so you can look back and SEE how far you have come from the lowest time in your life.  I pray that you will SEE that and you will know that just as HE has brought you though that, HE also has amazing plans for your life.  I know how hard life is, especially when everywhere you look there's annoyingly happy people everywhere..  I pray right now that you will be flooded with HIS peace and that your hurting hearts will be held and healed.  I pray that you will receive comfort and grace from HIM as HE sustains you through this difficult maybe even devastatingly time in your life.  And if you have found my blog because you too are living in the aftermath of loss, and you find yourself fearing loss, my dear friends, hold on, I know the waves are crushing you and assaulting you,   but I promise you that HE is there and HE will help you make it to shore and HE will give you all the time you need to stand again.  Grace and peace  be with you all,

with so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

everything and nothing less.....

After all the tears that I've shed the past two days, I woke up feeling relieved that I wasn't crying.  That is until I found myself sitting in church listen to my pastor speak about welcoming people in my life, who may or may not be CHRIST followers, and if they are I am to reaffirm to them that I SEE CHRIST in them, and if they are not a CHRIST follower, I am to pray and want that for them.  The message continued on to what that would look like, which literally brings me to my knees, as what he said next is something that I've been struggling with for a long time.

I still remember the day that HE let me know that I am good at loving people...... well lovable, easy going people that is.  However, as good as I love those whom I feel deserve love, when it comes to loving difficult people, well that is where I fall short.  I've known this about myself for quite some time, but never have I had to struggle so much even loving the people who have  been so easy for me to love in the past. 

HIS DAILY Teachings today is letting me know that HIS message for me is really a part 2 to HIS lesson intended for me to be humbled.  Once again I found myself sitting in a chair, listening to someone speak HIS word into my heart, and I felt that familiar pull inside.... the pull that says, and tells me.... asks BIG of me.  I say BIG because what HE asked next of me brings me to my knees, in both embarrassment and shame.  HIS voice was loud and clear, "I want you to apologize to him, I want you to admit that you pushed them away, that you were jealous, and I want you do this BECAUSE I love you.  I want you to obey ME because you TRUST ME enough to obey me."

As the message was coming to a close, I knew what I had to do, and I was trembling as I made my way to my pastor.  I fell apart as he hugged me, and I told him how very sorry I was for pulling away, and pushing him and his loving wife away.  He was in Haiti the night Seth died, yet still took the time to call me, to be there for our family, to pray for us in those first few hours of shock, and she was the first person I called from our church.  She came right away, with two other women from our church, and stayed well into the night with us as the shock and horror was realized as reality, and not just a dream.

As the tears streamed from my eyes, I told him how much I've struggled to be happy, as I saw their family happy, and making memories, as my own once happy family was coming apart at the seams.  He hugged me once more and told me how much their family loved ours, and led me to receive prayer from someone who knew my story so well.

She welcomed me with open arms, as I fell apart in her arms telling her of what I was struggling with, and wrestling with HIM about.  The more I spoke, the harder I cried, and the more I cried the worse I felt, because why after all this time, thinking about, reliving..... going through those first moments, the enormity of our tragic loss.... why oh why does it still break me so badly that I can't even stand.  When there are other times that I am able to share my story, my families story of the trauma that we incurred on that fateful day.  Tears of shame, regret, and deep hurt poured out of my eyes, as she gently held my hands, and listened to my hurting heart.   Gently she spoke of how it's so understandable that I would hurt the way I do, because of what we went through.  Not just losing Seth, but in the tragic horrific way we lost him.  The trauma that each of us went through that day, and how it has changed us all irrevocably. 

For the next fifteen minutes she shared with me how when she plays with her grandson who is only months apart in age from Seth, how she is always reminded to pray for me and my broken heart.  Instead of trying to fill my heart with hope filled promises, and things to hold onto, she acknowledged, welcomed, and was completely accepting of my aching, weary, heart.  Her words were so soothing to me, as she said she knew that I was so incredibly grateful for everything our church did for our family in helping us through the trauma of losing Seth.  She said that she knew how much I appreciated all of their love and support....... yet none of it...... as it was NEVER intended to be........ would ever be enough. 

She went on to explain to me how deep wounds are healed, from a nurses perspective, and it made complete sense to me as to why it has hurt so much for him to heal my wounded heart.  She let me know that even though other's may not see how deep the wound once was, only because at the surface you can only see a scar, I would know, I would remember just how deep down the wound is, and how much I have gone through to heal, and all that HE has asked of me in the process.

I hugged her a million times, and thanked her over and over for her continual love and support, and amazing HOLY SPIRIT led advice, and wisdom.  She let me know how much she loved me and how proud of me she is.  I am so incredibly thankful that she took the time to speak to me, and pray for me as I was feeling the heaviness of my sins.  I am so thankful that I followed HIS commands today in letting go, and letting HIM.  I am so thankful that as I sit right now and type I am able to breathe even more than I could before this weekend.

HE is wanting me to remember that HE isn't ever going to ask little of me, as anything little, is something I can always do on my own, but rather HE is going to ask of EVERYTHING of me, BIG of me, and HE has let me remember this with a song of worship that we sang in church today. 

Everything and Nothing Less by JESUS Culture

Humbly I stand, an offering
With open hands, Lord I bring

Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song

I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all

Lord take control, I trust You
I'm letting go, to give You

Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song

I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all

Everything and nothing less, I give You
Everything and nothing less forever
Everything and nothing less
Oh, my life is Yours
Completely Yours

Just singing this song in my head right now, LORD take control, I TRUST YOU.... scares me.... I wish it didn't but because HE has asked so BIG of me, for everything and nothing less.... I'm terrified of what HE will ask of me next.  I struggle so much with climbing this mountain of TRUST with HIM.... for HIM..... that when it comes to my relationships, my friendships, I struggle immensely with TRUSTING people with my pain, my sadness, my struggles.... I struggle with being authentic, and being humble.  The thought of being hurt, getting hurt, becoming hurt.... anything and all things to do with hurt....... terrifies me.  I am afraid for them to SEE the real me, the ugliness, the sin, the unholy thoughts, the less than honoring words I use about my life, and people in it.  I am afraid, and I am ashamed.

HE is reminding me of a point in my conversation with the gentle woman at church of how she wants me to know that though I am coming to that altar once again..... with the same chains..... the same struggle... though I can look back and SEE the chains I am dragging, HE is wanting me to know that HE doesn't SEE any chains that I am dragging, as I've already been forgiven when I came to HIM the times before now.  HE wants me to know that HE is only interested in the present moment where I am broken, and repentant.  HE is telling me that I need not be fooled by the enemy in allowing myself to think that I am dragging a huge chain of sin full of mistakes.  HE is telling me that the enemy, will try and shake imaginary chains, through my shame and embarrassment that I will hear them, and through her words today she told me that HE has taught her to change that ringing in her ears to HIS word, HIS message, HIS promise, so whenever the enemy comes lurking, trying to lure me back into the horrific tragedy full of agony, heartache, sorrow, unimaginable loss, trauma, and pain.... I Heather, HIS Daughter, HIS light, HIS messenger of HOPE, must remember WHOSE I am, and because of that HIS power is within me, to resist, and rebuke the lies of the enemy. 

Today LORD JESUS I give you everything and nothing less forever.  Everything and nothing less, my life is YOURS, completely YOURS.  Thank you for loving me so fiercely, so intently, so relentlessly, so abundantly, so perfectly.  Thank you for sending your messengers of HOPE to give me HOPE that I am not alone in this journey, that you have sent people to walk with me along the way, people of whom I can share my heart with ,who won't run away screaming or somehow feel as if I am hurting their feelings, like their friendship isn't enough for me.  Thank you for reconciliation of friendship that I have missed, and for healing of hearts to receive my apology in seeking forgiveness of my sins.  Thank you for shining your light in this dark walk as I try to accept and embrace that losing Seth has happened to me, and the aftermath is real, and that the journey towards living again is going to be a struggle, a battle....but that YOU will be there with me, helping me, holding me, teaching me, leading me, and guiding me every single step of the way..... Everything and nothing less I give you LORD, always, Your faithful follower, ~ Heather

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh friends, how my heart hurts for each and everyone of us.  How I wish so badly I could heal your pain, heal your hurting hearts.  I can't but HE can.  So I pray today that you will be able to surrender all, that you too will be able to give HIM everything and nothing less.  I pray that you will know that no matter what it is that you are going through, HE understands your pain, and HE is there for you.  I pray that you will come to know and begin the journey of TRUST for HIM and with HIM you too will be able to begin to SEE the plans that HE has for your life.  Oh my friends, how thankful I am for each and every single one of you.  How I hope you know, or will someday come to know how much HE loves you.

Always in love, compassion, prayers, and so much understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

humbled

 ^"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good..And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micha 6:8

So many new changes are occurring in my life right now.  The first being that I, Heather am going to be re-entering the workforce after an almost 14 year break.  A  plan that I hadn't ever thought of, but yet HE has planted so deeply within my heart.  The second being that I am slowly joining the land of the living with the people of whom I did life with before I lost Seth.   The third being that for months now I have been relinquishing my plans for my life, and have reached out for help for not only myself, but for my children as well.  All which have led me to placing two of my children in public school, and only homeschooling my oldest two.  All plans of which I NEVER wanted, or asked for... however because HE loves me so much, HE saw, HE knew exactly what I was going to be needing, and HE has given me just that.

Yesterday I drove up to join my dear sister's in CHRIST at a Winter Retreat.  The theme of the weekend away was "Better Together."  It was all about friendship, and why HE designed friendship, companionship, what keeps us from being authentic GOD honoring, CHRIST LED friends, and where in HIS word TRUE FRIENDSHIP is modeled within HIS word.

If I am being honest HIS Daily Teachings began yesterday at 3pm as I was driving to the retreat  I had been praying that I would somehow be a blessing to the women of whom I was going to spending time with, and that our conversations would be blessed, and that I wouldn't feel jealous of their seemingly happy lives.  I should have prepared my heart for what I was going to hear next, as I know it was HIM speaking deeply into my heart.  HE was asking me to apologize to one of my sister's in CHRIST, someone WHOM I was deeply jealous and avoided like the plague, as I couldn't bear to see how happy she was with her family of 3 precious little boys.  She was moving up in our church, in the world, and the more I looked, the more the enemy spoke into my ear.  "See all she has and you don't have, GOD didn't trust you and that's why HE took Seth away from you.  See all that you will NEVER have, and she's gloating to you, with her smile."  I am so ashamed when I think about how much I allowed the enemies words to creep into my heart,  and how I made agreements  based upon the assumptions that I had made about her.

Which brings me to the moment that I heard HIS voice, and felt HIM leading me to apologize.  I froze, I cried, I denied, and I said. "no.... no way, I'm not sorry, I will NOT apologize, I'm the one who lost her son, I am the one who has had to struggle living my life.  I am the one who has had to watch everyone live their happy oh so freaking blessed lives, forget you, NO WAY..... NO HOW..... pick someone else, I am NOT doing it.

The closer the retreat I got, the more I felt HIS insistence on me apologizing and admitting to my jealousy, my anger, and my resent.  All of which led to complete and total discontentment, and comparison,  both of which led to a breakdown, and downfall of our friendship.  Over and over I "tried" to reason with HIM, I "tried" to negotiate with HIM, as if to say, "nope NOT gonna happen, I will be nice, I will be friendly, but apologizing NO, I REFUSE!!!!"

Feeling satisfied in my justification as to my telling HIM no, I "thought"  I know I made the right decision for me, as I'm the one who's hurt, hurting, and will continue to be hurt for the rest of my life.  Foolishly allowing myself to believe that I was really in control of my life, and that I, Heather knew myself better.... you know even more than the ONE WHO created me?!?  I laugh now, but I wasn't laughing last night.

At 7pm my dear sister in CHRIST K spoke a message that began with what Better Together looked like,  but when we allow the lies of the enemy to creep into our hearts, how quickly our friendships can change, and our hearts can be hardened.  Again I felt HIM prompt me, go to her and apologize, and I sat straight up into my seat and said, "NO."  By this time I was sure it had to be the enemy setting me up for a fall so I pushed the voice aside and began to reason WHY HE would NEVER ask that of me, as I wasn't wrong, I have  been hurt, am hurting, and will continue to hurt.  My life will never be any easier when it comes to living without my son, and though the waves of grief will lessen, they will never go away, and it won't be until I am on the bridge into forever, that I will see my son, as he will be waiting for me.

Well if I had any doubts the entire time she was speaking, at the end of her message she was talking about those of us who NEEDED HIM, to release, restore, renew our hearts, and our friendships.  Again, I heard HIS voice, "go to her and apologize."  It was then that K spoke and said, "we're going to do an altar call, and we will have people up front to pray for you if you need prayer." 

One of the blessings of the retreat was having some of our talented sister's in CHRIST from our church lead us in worship.  The words of the song began to register in my head, and my tears began to flow. Before I knew it, my tears came pouring out of my eyes, and this ache, this longing this need, this urgency began to rise up into my throat.  Again HIS voice spoke, "go to her, she is right there, I have placed her there ON PURPOSE, go to her and apologize, let ME love you, let me HUMBLE you, let go and TRUST ME."

"Are you hurting and broken within
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ" O Come to the Altar "Elevation Worship"

Finally after a break in my tears was received, the push, the urgency was heard, "go."  With that I quickly moved straight into her arms, where I collapsed and cried with all the pain in my soul of how very, very sorry I was for hating her, for being jealous of her, and allowing all of my animosity to come between us. I sobbed deep into her chest, as if I were crying deep into HIS chest..... (I almost positive I left some of my face on her shirt.... sorry M :(  My tears fell violently from my eyes, as if HE opened the floodgates of all my pain, sorrow, and anguish in losing our friendship in the past year.  I cried so hard to her, all of my sins, and all of my thoughts, and struggles in "trying" so hard to survive losing my son, and how everywhere I went I was horrendously reminded that Seth is gone, he is just gone.  There's nothing to see, hold onto, other than memories, he is just gone. 

I don't know how long I cried, all I know is when we reached our hangout time for the evening, I had to go back to my room to wash my face, as I had cried most of it off. As I was in my room trying to regain my sense of self, I felt this huge release, a relief, HIS gift to me.  I realized it was because I allowed myself to be humbled, HE blessed me immensely with the much needed release and relief of tension that had built this massive wall between us.  As I made my way back into the meeting room, I was able to look her in the eye and have a conversation with her, without feeling upset.  I also saw my therapist, and she told me how proud she was of me, as she watched me walk over and fall into her arms.  My therapist told me that I was very brave to do that, as she knew how much my heart desired for us to reconcile, as I couldn't stand that we weren't close friends anymore.  However, I didn't want to be hurt every time I saw her, as the enemy loved, and loves NOTHING more than to torture my already tortured soul.

This my friends leads me to this, today here and now, I'm standing up and I'm saying that even though it may not seem popular, I CHOOSE to be humbled, I CHOOSE to BE CHRIST LED, I CHOOSE HIM, as I know HE loves me more than I could possibly imagine.  This is not to say that I'm somehow living in this dream-like euphoric state, please, I am human, and I am emotional, and I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to make agreements with the enemy whether I realize I have or not, but the one thing that keeps me anchored to my FAITH is HIS constant and abundant love and grace for me.  


I am confident more than ever that HE will STOP at NOTHING for me to feel HIS love for me, even if that means that HE is wanting for me to BE humbled by HIS teachings.  I am confident, that I will make mistakes, but that HIS grace will be enough for me.  I am confident that I won't have a moment where I won't be reminded of all that I have lost, yet I will be reminded that forever is waiting for me.  I am confident that each new day brings a new set of challenges, however HE is in it, and has already walked through my day ahead of me, and all I need to remember is to open my hands, my eyes, my ears, and my heart to receive ALL that I am NEEDING to live today.  I am confident that HE is indeed doing a good work deep within me, for a greater purpose that I can't even begin to fathom.  I am confident that I am mess but I'm HIS mess, I am perfectly flawed, and through HIS deep endless love for me, with HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me, I will climb this mountain of learning to TRUST not only HIM again, but the other perfectly flawed people in my life.

My dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my humble prayer that you will let go, and let HIM open the floodgates of your pain, that you will allow HIM to release you of your struggles, and your sin.   I pray that in my sharing another part of my story you will know that you are not alone, and whatever it is that is holding you back from standing up and going to where HE has called you, I pray that you will know that for as long as it takes, HE will speak straight into your heart, and when you do, HE will be there with arms open wide.  HIS invitation to you all today is this, "O come to altar, the FATHERS arms are open wide, FORGIVENESS was bought with the precious blood of JESUS CHRIST."

always with so much love, respect, understanding, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather