After all the tears that I've shed the past two days, I woke up feeling relieved that I wasn't crying. That is until I found myself sitting in church listen to my pastor speak about welcoming people in my life, who may or may not be CHRIST followers, and if they are I am to reaffirm to them that I SEE CHRIST in them, and if they are not a CHRIST follower, I am to pray and want that for them. The message continued on to what that would look like, which literally brings me to my knees, as what he said next is something that I've been struggling with for a long time.
I still remember the day that HE let me know that I am good at loving people...... well lovable, easy going people that is. However, as good as I love those whom I feel deserve love, when it comes to loving difficult people, well that is where I fall short. I've known this about myself for quite some time, but never have I had to struggle so much even loving the people who have been so easy for me to love in the past.
HIS DAILY Teachings today is letting me know that HIS message for me is really a part 2 to HIS lesson intended for me to be humbled. Once again I found myself sitting in a chair, listening to someone speak HIS word into my heart, and I felt that familiar pull inside.... the pull that says, and tells me.... asks BIG of me. I say BIG because what HE asked next of me brings me to my knees, in both embarrassment and shame. HIS voice was loud and clear, "I want you to apologize to him, I want you to admit that you pushed them away, that you were jealous, and I want you do this BECAUSE I love you. I want you to obey ME because you TRUST ME enough to obey me."
As the message was coming to a close, I knew what I had to do, and I was trembling as I made my way to my pastor. I fell apart as he hugged me, and I told him how very sorry I was for pulling away, and pushing him and his loving wife away. He was in Haiti the night Seth died, yet still took the time to call me, to be there for our family, to pray for us in those first few hours of shock, and she was the first person I called from our church. She came right away, with two other women from our church, and stayed well into the night with us as the shock and horror was realized as reality, and not just a dream.
As the tears streamed from my eyes, I told him how much I've struggled to be happy, as I saw their family happy, and making memories, as my own once happy family was coming apart at the seams. He hugged me once more and told me how much their family loved ours, and led me to receive prayer from someone who knew my story so well.
She welcomed me with open arms, as I fell apart in her arms telling her of what I was struggling with, and wrestling with HIM about. The more I spoke, the harder I cried, and the more I cried the worse I felt, because why after all this time, thinking about, reliving..... going through those first moments, the enormity of our tragic loss.... why oh why does it still break me so badly that I can't even stand. When there are other times that I am able to share my story, my families story of the trauma that we incurred on that fateful day. Tears of shame, regret, and deep hurt poured out of my eyes, as she gently held my hands, and listened to my hurting heart. Gently she spoke of how it's so understandable that I would hurt the way I do, because of what we went through. Not just losing Seth, but in the tragic horrific way we lost him. The trauma that each of us went through that day, and how it has changed us all irrevocably.
For the next fifteen minutes she shared with me how when she plays with her grandson who is only months apart in age from Seth, how she is always reminded to pray for me and my broken heart. Instead of trying to fill my heart with hope filled promises, and things to hold onto, she acknowledged, welcomed, and was completely accepting of my aching, weary, heart. Her words were so soothing to me, as she said she knew that I was so incredibly grateful for everything our church did for our family in helping us through the trauma of losing Seth. She said that she knew how much I appreciated all of their love and support....... yet none of it...... as it was NEVER intended to be........ would ever be enough.
She went on to explain to me how deep wounds are healed, from a nurses perspective, and it made complete sense to me as to why it has hurt so much for him to heal my wounded heart. She let me know that even though other's may not see how deep the wound once was, only because at the surface you can only see a scar, I would know, I would remember just how deep down the wound is, and how much I have gone through to heal, and all that HE has asked of me in the process.
I hugged her a million times, and thanked her over and over for her continual love and support, and amazing HOLY SPIRIT led advice, and wisdom. She let me know how much she loved me and how proud of me she is. I am so incredibly thankful that she took the time to speak to me, and pray for me as I was feeling the heaviness of my sins. I am so thankful that I followed HIS commands today in letting go, and letting HIM. I am so thankful that as I sit right now and type I am able to breathe even more than I could before this weekend.
HE is wanting me to remember that HE isn't ever going to ask little of me, as anything little, is something I can always do on my own, but rather HE is going to ask of EVERYTHING of me, BIG of me, and HE has let me remember this with a song of worship that we sang in church today.
Everything and Nothing Less by JESUS Culture
Humbly I stand, an offering
With open hands, Lord I bring
Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song
I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all
Lord take control, I trust You
I'm letting go, to give You
Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song
I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all
Everything and nothing less, I give You
Everything and nothing less forever
Everything and nothing less
Oh, my life is Yours
Completely Yours
Just singing this song in my head right now, LORD take control, I TRUST YOU.... scares me.... I wish it didn't but because HE has asked so BIG of me, for everything and nothing less.... I'm terrified of what HE will ask of me next. I struggle so much with climbing this mountain of TRUST with HIM.... for HIM..... that when it comes to my relationships, my friendships, I struggle immensely with TRUSTING people with my pain, my sadness, my struggles.... I struggle with being authentic, and being humble. The thought of being hurt, getting hurt, becoming hurt.... anything and all things to do with hurt....... terrifies me. I am afraid for them to SEE the real me, the ugliness, the sin, the unholy thoughts, the less than honoring words I use about my life, and people in it. I am afraid, and I am ashamed.
HE is reminding me of a point in my conversation with the gentle woman at church of how she wants me to know that though I am coming to that altar once again..... with the same chains..... the same struggle... though I can look back and SEE the chains I am dragging, HE is wanting me to know that HE doesn't SEE any chains that I am dragging, as I've already been forgiven when I came to HIM the times before now. HE wants me to know that HE is only interested in the present moment where I am broken, and repentant. HE is telling me that I need not be fooled by the enemy in allowing myself to think that I am dragging a huge chain of sin full of mistakes. HE is telling me that the enemy, will try and shake imaginary chains, through my shame and embarrassment that I will hear them, and through her words today she told me that HE has taught her to change that ringing in her ears to HIS word, HIS message, HIS promise, so whenever the enemy comes lurking, trying to lure me back into the horrific tragedy full of agony, heartache, sorrow, unimaginable loss, trauma, and pain.... I Heather, HIS Daughter, HIS light, HIS messenger of HOPE, must remember WHOSE I am, and because of that HIS power is within me, to resist, and rebuke the lies of the enemy.
Today LORD JESUS I give you everything and nothing less forever. Everything and nothing less, my life is YOURS, completely YOURS. Thank you for loving me so fiercely, so intently, so relentlessly, so abundantly, so perfectly. Thank you for sending your messengers of HOPE to give me HOPE that I am not alone in this journey, that you have sent people to walk with me along the way, people of whom I can share my heart with ,who won't run away screaming or somehow feel as if I am hurting their feelings, like their friendship isn't enough for me. Thank you for reconciliation of friendship that I have missed, and for healing of hearts to receive my apology in seeking forgiveness of my sins. Thank you for shining your light in this dark walk as I try to accept and embrace that losing Seth has happened to me, and the aftermath is real, and that the journey towards living again is going to be a struggle, a battle....but that YOU will be there with me, helping me, holding me, teaching me, leading me, and guiding me every single step of the way..... Everything and nothing less I give you LORD, always, Your faithful follower, ~ Heather
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh friends, how my heart hurts for each and everyone of us. How I wish so badly I could heal your pain, heal your hurting hearts. I can't but HE can. So I pray today that you will be able to surrender all, that you too will be able to give HIM everything and nothing less. I pray that you will know that no matter what it is that you are going through, HE understands your pain, and HE is there for you. I pray that you will come to know and begin the journey of TRUST for HIM and with HIM you too will be able to begin to SEE the plans that HE has for your life. Oh my friends, how thankful I am for each and every single one of you. How I hope you know, or will someday come to know how much HE loves you.
Always in love, compassion, prayers, and so much understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
I still remember the day that HE let me know that I am good at loving people...... well lovable, easy going people that is. However, as good as I love those whom I feel deserve love, when it comes to loving difficult people, well that is where I fall short. I've known this about myself for quite some time, but never have I had to struggle so much even loving the people who have been so easy for me to love in the past.
HIS DAILY Teachings today is letting me know that HIS message for me is really a part 2 to HIS lesson intended for me to be humbled. Once again I found myself sitting in a chair, listening to someone speak HIS word into my heart, and I felt that familiar pull inside.... the pull that says, and tells me.... asks BIG of me. I say BIG because what HE asked next of me brings me to my knees, in both embarrassment and shame. HIS voice was loud and clear, "I want you to apologize to him, I want you to admit that you pushed them away, that you were jealous, and I want you do this BECAUSE I love you. I want you to obey ME because you TRUST ME enough to obey me."
As the message was coming to a close, I knew what I had to do, and I was trembling as I made my way to my pastor. I fell apart as he hugged me, and I told him how very sorry I was for pulling away, and pushing him and his loving wife away. He was in Haiti the night Seth died, yet still took the time to call me, to be there for our family, to pray for us in those first few hours of shock, and she was the first person I called from our church. She came right away, with two other women from our church, and stayed well into the night with us as the shock and horror was realized as reality, and not just a dream.
As the tears streamed from my eyes, I told him how much I've struggled to be happy, as I saw their family happy, and making memories, as my own once happy family was coming apart at the seams. He hugged me once more and told me how much their family loved ours, and led me to receive prayer from someone who knew my story so well.
She welcomed me with open arms, as I fell apart in her arms telling her of what I was struggling with, and wrestling with HIM about. The more I spoke, the harder I cried, and the more I cried the worse I felt, because why after all this time, thinking about, reliving..... going through those first moments, the enormity of our tragic loss.... why oh why does it still break me so badly that I can't even stand. When there are other times that I am able to share my story, my families story of the trauma that we incurred on that fateful day. Tears of shame, regret, and deep hurt poured out of my eyes, as she gently held my hands, and listened to my hurting heart. Gently she spoke of how it's so understandable that I would hurt the way I do, because of what we went through. Not just losing Seth, but in the tragic horrific way we lost him. The trauma that each of us went through that day, and how it has changed us all irrevocably.
For the next fifteen minutes she shared with me how when she plays with her grandson who is only months apart in age from Seth, how she is always reminded to pray for me and my broken heart. Instead of trying to fill my heart with hope filled promises, and things to hold onto, she acknowledged, welcomed, and was completely accepting of my aching, weary, heart. Her words were so soothing to me, as she said she knew that I was so incredibly grateful for everything our church did for our family in helping us through the trauma of losing Seth. She said that she knew how much I appreciated all of their love and support....... yet none of it...... as it was NEVER intended to be........ would ever be enough.
She went on to explain to me how deep wounds are healed, from a nurses perspective, and it made complete sense to me as to why it has hurt so much for him to heal my wounded heart. She let me know that even though other's may not see how deep the wound once was, only because at the surface you can only see a scar, I would know, I would remember just how deep down the wound is, and how much I have gone through to heal, and all that HE has asked of me in the process.
I hugged her a million times, and thanked her over and over for her continual love and support, and amazing HOLY SPIRIT led advice, and wisdom. She let me know how much she loved me and how proud of me she is. I am so incredibly thankful that she took the time to speak to me, and pray for me as I was feeling the heaviness of my sins. I am so thankful that I followed HIS commands today in letting go, and letting HIM. I am so thankful that as I sit right now and type I am able to breathe even more than I could before this weekend.
HE is wanting me to remember that HE isn't ever going to ask little of me, as anything little, is something I can always do on my own, but rather HE is going to ask of EVERYTHING of me, BIG of me, and HE has let me remember this with a song of worship that we sang in church today.
Everything and Nothing Less by JESUS Culture
Humbly I stand, an offering
With open hands, Lord I bring
Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song
I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all
Lord take control, I trust You
I'm letting go, to give You
Everything and nothing less
My best, my all
You deserve my every breath
My life, my song
I surrender, I surrender all
Oh, I surrender, I surrender all
Everything and nothing less, I give You
Everything and nothing less forever
Everything and nothing less
Oh, my life is Yours
Completely Yours
Just singing this song in my head right now, LORD take control, I TRUST YOU.... scares me.... I wish it didn't but because HE has asked so BIG of me, for everything and nothing less.... I'm terrified of what HE will ask of me next. I struggle so much with climbing this mountain of TRUST with HIM.... for HIM..... that when it comes to my relationships, my friendships, I struggle immensely with TRUSTING people with my pain, my sadness, my struggles.... I struggle with being authentic, and being humble. The thought of being hurt, getting hurt, becoming hurt.... anything and all things to do with hurt....... terrifies me. I am afraid for them to SEE the real me, the ugliness, the sin, the unholy thoughts, the less than honoring words I use about my life, and people in it. I am afraid, and I am ashamed.
HE is reminding me of a point in my conversation with the gentle woman at church of how she wants me to know that though I am coming to that altar once again..... with the same chains..... the same struggle... though I can look back and SEE the chains I am dragging, HE is wanting me to know that HE doesn't SEE any chains that I am dragging, as I've already been forgiven when I came to HIM the times before now. HE wants me to know that HE is only interested in the present moment where I am broken, and repentant. HE is telling me that I need not be fooled by the enemy in allowing myself to think that I am dragging a huge chain of sin full of mistakes. HE is telling me that the enemy, will try and shake imaginary chains, through my shame and embarrassment that I will hear them, and through her words today she told me that HE has taught her to change that ringing in her ears to HIS word, HIS message, HIS promise, so whenever the enemy comes lurking, trying to lure me back into the horrific tragedy full of agony, heartache, sorrow, unimaginable loss, trauma, and pain.... I Heather, HIS Daughter, HIS light, HIS messenger of HOPE, must remember WHOSE I am, and because of that HIS power is within me, to resist, and rebuke the lies of the enemy.
Today LORD JESUS I give you everything and nothing less forever. Everything and nothing less, my life is YOURS, completely YOURS. Thank you for loving me so fiercely, so intently, so relentlessly, so abundantly, so perfectly. Thank you for sending your messengers of HOPE to give me HOPE that I am not alone in this journey, that you have sent people to walk with me along the way, people of whom I can share my heart with ,who won't run away screaming or somehow feel as if I am hurting their feelings, like their friendship isn't enough for me. Thank you for reconciliation of friendship that I have missed, and for healing of hearts to receive my apology in seeking forgiveness of my sins. Thank you for shining your light in this dark walk as I try to accept and embrace that losing Seth has happened to me, and the aftermath is real, and that the journey towards living again is going to be a struggle, a battle....but that YOU will be there with me, helping me, holding me, teaching me, leading me, and guiding me every single step of the way..... Everything and nothing less I give you LORD, always, Your faithful follower, ~ Heather
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh friends, how my heart hurts for each and everyone of us. How I wish so badly I could heal your pain, heal your hurting hearts. I can't but HE can. So I pray today that you will be able to surrender all, that you too will be able to give HIM everything and nothing less. I pray that you will know that no matter what it is that you are going through, HE understands your pain, and HE is there for you. I pray that you will come to know and begin the journey of TRUST for HIM and with HIM you too will be able to begin to SEE the plans that HE has for your life. Oh my friends, how thankful I am for each and every single one of you. How I hope you know, or will someday come to know how much HE loves you.
Always in love, compassion, prayers, and so much understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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