December

Tomorrow will be the beginning of the 19th December that D and I have shared together.  I can tell you that in those 19 years, we have had so many December's where we sure if we were going to make it to the first of the year.  So many tests, trials, and storms to weather.  My past, my strongholds, my suffering, all placed HUGE burdens on our relationship and then in our marriage.  It saddens me when I think back on the past 18 Decembers and how I can't think of one of them where we were blissfully happy, as darkness was hovering over us, threatening to snuff out our  HIS light.

This our 19th December is our hardest yet, as we are now dealing with trying to figure out our new normal as a family of now 6 here on earth.  D and I are doing our best to hold it all together for our children, who so desperately need to know that everything is going to be okay.  It's a struggle for us to portray that for them, when we ourselves are unsure of what our future holds.  However, what we do know is that HE is FAITHFUL, and in HIM, with HIM there is always HOPE.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that I don't ever have to dread December's anymore, as HIS gift to us is our memories.  As I was reading HIS word this morning, I came across a little caption that said, "GOD gives us memories as roses to help us cope with our Decembers.  Our current December is losing our precious almost two year old son.

When I think about what December means, I think about how it is the last month, the end of the year.  Not only the end, but also the prelude to the new beginning.  This coming month we are coming to a close of our hardest year, as our lives with our precious little light have come to and end.  That the chapter of our being a family of 7 here on earth has ended.  December hurts, December bleeds my sorrow........ and yet through it all HIS message to me today is that while December may be the end, I, Heather must cling to that like all endings, that means there is a New Beginning just around the corner.  HE is telling me that our families New Beginning can only be found in HIS HOPE.

" May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:13

HE is taking me back and showing me that through the past almost two years now, HE has been preparing me for HIS message of HOPE, as HIS gift to me that I would be able to cling to in the hardest December of my life, so that I would know that even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and unbearable pain, I would know that HE is there, that HE is FAITHFUL, and most importantly HE is SOVEREIGN.  

"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does." Psalm 145:17

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death." Psalm 141:8

He is reminding me that not only is it the hardest December for me, but also for my marriage to D.  For the past few days I have been thinking about my life with D, and our marriage, and just how much we have had to endure, and how, thankfully I can look back on our sixteen years of marriage, and nineteen years of being together, and SEE HIM in every single one of them.

This morning HE is taking me back to D and my wedding song, "From This Moment" by Shania Twain ft. Bryan White.  From the moment we heard that song, we loved it, however it wouldn't be until many years later that we would understand the true meaning and significance of that particular song.  Today HE is showing me once again that HE is truly in the details, even long before we ever even knew HIM.  

"I do swear that I'll always be there. I'd give anything and everything and I will always care. Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better for worse, I will love you with every beat of my heart. From this moment life has begun From this moment you are the one right beside you is where I belong From this moment on."

HE is taking me back to the moment where D and I made our vows to each other, and to HIM, that we would always be there for one another, that we would always choose one another.  HE is letting me know that these are HIS roses of memories that are going to help us close out this December, so that through HIS HOPE we will be able to welcome our marriage, and our families New Beginning.  

I was surprised that HE was teaching me about my marriage to D, and all of our hardships, but really when I think about it, HE knows my heart, and knows what I have been thinking about.  My heart is heavy for a distant family member who is so incredibly young in her early young adult life.  At the tender age of 15 she has decided that she has found the one.  While my heart races when I think about how I fell in love with D at just sixteen, I also think about even though we got engaged when I was seventeen, we didn't get married until I was twenty.  Upon learning about her engagement, and upcoming wedding that will take place just after she turns sixteen, I began to think about is she were my daughter what would I say to her?  

HE is reminding me that what I would tell my daughters is that never be in such a rush to hurry up and wait.  HE is reminding me of all the times where I "tried" to force my hand in my life's order of event's, and HE quickly let me know that wasn't how it was going to be.  Even long before I knew that HE was the one WHO had written my life's story, and the order of the events.  HE is telling me that instead of thinking that she is foolish for wanting to marry so young, I should be on my knees praying on her behalf, for her to have an encounter with HIM.  After all it was through an encounter where HE found me, I saw HIM, and HE rescued me.  

HE also reminded me of how when I learned that the SAVIOR, the RESCUER, my KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR was always going to be HIM.  HE is telling me that this is the very reason that so many of our Decembers in our marriage were so incredibly hard, was because I was looking for D to fulfill a role that he was NEVER intended to play.  HE is telling me this is the reason why my heart hurts so badly for her, in thinking that married life will be her answer to Happily Ever After.

In this current December that we are about to embark on, I am thankful.  I am thankful to know that I don't have to have it all figured out.  I am thankful that through the past Eighteen Decembers with D, I have learned that he can't be, and won't be able to be my everything.  I am thankful to know that NEVER do I ever have to worry about being forsaken, forgotten, or left behind, as HE has lovingly prepared me through many years of HIS Daily Teachings that HE is there, and HE has everything worked out for HIS good.

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a]have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

This morning as I sit here in the quiet of my office, the song "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill is playing.  My heart is heavy, I am missing my precious son terribly.  As I type my eyes are welling up with tears when I think about how we are about to go through another first, all within the first two months of losing our sweet little baby love.  My heart breaks as I think about in shopping, and wrapping gifts, his name won't be under the tree.  As my tears fall onto my journal, I know HE is there, catching every single one of them, and I can't help but to smile, as I know my son, my sweet precious little boy is with HIM, celebrating CHRISTMAS in HEAVEN, the place where my heart longs to be, and was created to long to be.  Even as I cry, I am thankful, to know, trust, and BELIEVE that HEAVEN is my home, and one day when my time on Earth here is through, I will meet my son on the bridge into forever, he will run, and jump into my arms, and I will hug him, and he and our FATHER in HEAVEN will welcome me home.

"Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging Does that mean Christmas changes too?" Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, though my heart is aching, with deep sorrow, I am still remain in fervent prayers for each and everyone of you to have encounters with HIM.  I pray that HE will make HIS presence known in your life, so that if you too are finding yourself in another hard December you will know that HE is there, that HE hasn't forgotten about you, or left you.  I pray that you will know that you are NEVER alone, that HE is always there, and that HE cares deeply for you.  I pray that HIS grace, and HIS peace are poured over you today in a way that surpasses any and all things of this world, that you will know with any doubt that HE is there, HE is enough, and HE will give you roses for your December.

Always with love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

face it

This past week has been extremely rough, as all I have done really is cry, and mourn not only the loss of my son, but the loss of our family and WHO we used to be.  I cried that our plans were to NEVER bury our children, that our plans didn't include losing our sweet little precious boy.  I cried because of my children's nightmares, and lack of sleep.  I cried because every single morning I was waking up the harsh reality that my son is no longer here.  I cried because as much as I wanted to feel better, I wasn't getting any better, and the more I cried, the harder I cried, and all the while all I could hear from HIM was 

"face it Heather, you are called to suffer, let me teach you how to suffer with me. I know you are hurting, and don't understand why, but I am here, I am holding you, and I will help you.  Lean on me, I am here."

"But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.  To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2 :20-21

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back through the last week and a half, and showing me how HE wasn't able to teach me until now, as it is just now that I am willing to face it that I am in deep mourning, and that to be in mourning, means that I must be willing to be present in my feelings.  

This past week HE introduced several songs to me, that described how I was feeling perfectly.  However, in allowing myself to feel, I started to feel HOPELESS, thankfully HE loves me far too much for me to EVER go on thinking that way for very long, and little did I know it, HE was setting things up to when I finally did face it that I would once again be RESCUED all because HE loves me.

One of the songs I soaked in was "Let it Hurt" by Rascall Flatts.  Through this song I learned that the only way through my pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish was to let HIS love lead me through.  When I was finally ready to face it that unlike the other tests, trials, and storms of my life, its not as if though I can follow a few steps of HIS teachings, and I will receive HIS gift of healing and true freedom, rather this season of mourning is teaching me, by having me face it, that NO matter how tough I "think" I am, how fierce I am, I, Heather, can't do anything without HIM.  HE is having me face it, so that I will place ALL of my HOPE, FAITH, LOVE, TRUST, and BELIEF in HIM, that through HIM, and with HIM, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I will OVERCOME the immense loss of my son, and it will NOT be just me merely surviving, but rather CONQUERING!!!!  

Another song was "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey, this song was written by grieving Danny during his time of suffering in mourning the loss of his beloved first wife Sophia.  This morning I have listened to this song over and over, as it is truly inspiring to know that with HIM, there is truly HOPE.  

"I've been running through rain. That I thought would never end.  Trying to make it on faith, In a struggle against the wind. I've seen the dark and the broken places.  But I know in my soul , no matter how bad it gets.  I'll be alright ~ There's hope in front of me,  There's a light, I still see it.  There's a hand still holding me, even when I don't believe it.  I might be down but I'm not dead,  There's better days still up ahead.  Even after all I've seen,  There's hope in front of me" Danny Gokey "HOPE in Front of Me"

"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." 

Psalm 71:14

Even hearing this song, I was still struggling with how to suffer, as I was quickly learning that suffering means pain, and that was NOT something I was willing to face day in and day out, beyond the pain has permanently taken up in my weary heart, and aching soul.  However, as I know HIS plans are always different from mine, and HE introduced yet another song, one of which would bring out deep emotions, ones that would break me in half, even more than I was already broken, and brought me straight to my knees, and into the deepest weeping I have done since the first week of losing my precious little boy.  

"Sometimes the road just ends. Changes everything you've been.  And all that's left to be. Is empty, broken, lonely, hopin'.  I'm supposed to be strong  I'm supposed to find a way to carry on. I don't want to feel better. I don't want to not remember. I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place. I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky, but I will not say goodbye. 

They keep saying time will heal.  But the pain just gets more real . The sun comes up each day.
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying.  If I can keep on holding on.  Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone. " "I will not Say Goodbye" by Danny Gokey

The more I listen to this song, the harder I cry, the harder I cry, the more I feel, and the more I feel, the pain just gets more real. My tears these days fall without me even thinking about anything, they just fall.  My heart is so shattered, and even thinking about moving on without my son, just brings me to my knees, as how do you go on living without someone, when they didn't tell your heart how to live without them?

This past week I have gone through a gamut of emotions, ranging from angry, bitter, JOY, happiness, bittersweet, all confusing me, as I am learning there isn't really a right way to grieve, but there is a right way to suffer, and that is through HIM, and with HIM, and that is exactly what HE has been trying to teach me for the past week and half. 

This morning HE is reminding me of last Thursday at MOPS where my pastor spoke about how we as Mom's are called to suffer.  As soon as he said that I broke into tears, and they didn't stop until much later that day.  My heart was so broken, so weary, and couldn't bear to hear anymore about how I am called to suffer.  As all I could think of is, "after everything I have been through in my life, all that I have suffered, I have to suffer the loss of my precious almost two year old son as well?  You can't be serious GOD, WHY?  WHY? do you think I can do this?  Why are you making me do this?  Please, please, please JESUS, come please unbreak my heart, please let me be his Mama again.... oh please......"  

After crying out to HIM over and over again, HE placed yet another song in my path, and this one spoke VOLUMES to my pain, grief, and sorrow, and gave me the words that I so desperately wanted to say, but couldn't find the words to say.  HIS gift to me was a song, that I will FOREVER sing in my heart whenever I think of my precious blue eyed sweet little boy.

"I miss you so much, Your light, your smile, your way, And everything about us

• Though you're gone ,Your still here, In my heart, In my tears, Yeah you sure left your mark. We were just getting started.
• It wasn't long enough, It wasn't long enough together, But it was long enough

  Yeah it was long enough to last forever.
• Sometimes I get so mad. I scream I swear at this.  'Cause this isn't how we planned it.  I sit here in a cold room, Praying, waitin' on you. To run back through that door, To the way it was before you left. 
• It wasn't long enough, It wasn't long enough., Together.  But it was long enough, Yeah it was long enough, To last forever.
• Been cheated, defeated,  Can't believe that you're are gone, You're gone, You're gone, Oh it was wrong, so wrong" "Forever" by Rascall Flats

Forever I will say that my time, our families time with our sweet little boy wasn't long enough, however because HE has taken so much time to prepare my heart in accepting, knowing, and BELIEVING that HIS plans, HIS timing, HIS provision, are perfect for my life, I trust and know that my son, is taken care of until I can be with HIM again.  Not only that he is taken care of, but I know that myself, and my family will be as well.  In learning, and choosing to face it, HE led me to yet another song, one of which was my heart's cry as my son's Mama.  

One of the things that I grieve the hardest about is that I don't get to be my son's Mama anymore, and that means I don't get to teach HIM about HIS LORD and SAVIOR, rather HE is going to teach him.  I don't get to hold, hug, kiss, cuddle, dance, rock, sing to, or do any of the precious, special things I was blessed enough to be able to do for my son for the nine months he was in my womb, and the 728 days he lived, and breathed here on this Earth.  My whole world shattered on the day he left us to begin truly living in eternity with our HEAVENLY FATHER.  In knowing just how badly my Mama heart was breaking, HE led me to yet another song, one that was written by another grieving Mama for her precious 5 1/2 month old son.   A song that is truly written from a broken, weary, and aching Mama's heart, a song that only a mother who loses her child will fully be able to know and understand what it means.  

"I asked you LORD you answered.  A little one you gave.  The hardest part I never knew, was the little one you'd take.  But LORD I trust you now, I know that you are good.  And JESUS I was wondering if you would.  

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close.  Let him sit upon your knee, and tell him all the things we'd teach him about you.  Whisper in his ear, one more simple truth.  Tell him that you love him, and that we love him too.

Waiting here right now LORD, it seems so hard to do.  Longing just to hold him, like other mothers do.  I know that you are faithful, Your hand of Grace I've known.  But I ask you in the mean time, until you call me home.

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close.  Let him sit upon your knee, and tell him all the things we'd teach him about you.  Whisper in his ear, one more simple truth, tell him that you love him, and that we love him too.

And when the trumpet sounds LORD, your face I long to see.  And now I've more reason to wait expectantly.  And when I get to HEAVEN, and see all you have done.  I know that I will understand, and to him I will run.

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close.  He'll  sit upon my knee, and tell me all the things you taught him about you.  He'll whisper in my ear, one more simple truth.  He tell me that he loves you, and that he loves me too.  He'll tell me that he loves you, and LORD I love you too."  "Hug him Once for me"  Erica McClure

Each morning I would sit in my office listening to these songs, and would lay my head on my journal, and bible, and weep..... The pain, all of it, not wanting to face it..... However, yesterday I was under a major attack of my spirit, and felt incredibly heavy.  I was struggling to even remember any of HIS promises to me, let alone be able to be positive about my future, or any amazing plans HE has in store for me.  It didn't help that in sharing how weary my heart was, and is, the question of medication came up again.  Stating that I couldn't possibly be grieving so hard, and still function.  However, what I have learned about HIM, when HE says HE loves you, HE most certainly does, and that means even in your darkest hours, deepest sorrow, anguish, and seemingly endless pain, HE is there, and HE is strong so I don't have to be.  

If I have learned anything this past almost two weeks is that being present in my emotions is so that in learning to face it, means that even though I don't know why, or understand why, or feel as if though I may die of my shattered heart.  I trust and know that HE's got me, HE's got this, and HE's already worked it out for my good.  HE is letting me know that in feeling the pain, that is when I was finally in the right mindset to face it.  I am learning that in this season of learning to face it, has been so that NOT only do I know that HE is FAITHFUL, but I will live my life fearless, as I know that with HIM, NOTHING can harm me, that HE can, will, and does turn EVERYTHING out for HIS good.  This means that my son's earthly death, is all a part of a much bigger plan that I can even imagine.  

As I sat on my couch last night, I prayed, "LORD even though I may not understand, I trust YOU, always.  Even though I wouldn't have chosen this timing for my son, I trust YOU, I love YOU, and YOU have proven to me time and again that YOU truly love and do what is best for everyone."  

When I began to seek HIS word today, HE led me straight to Psalms and there was HIS promise of this time of trouble for me, and HIS promise for full restoration of my life, and for that I am so incredibly thankful.  Today is Thanksgiving, and I can't even being to say Thank You to HIM, for ALL that HE has done, is doing, and will continue to do.  Through my sorrow, sadness, and pain, I SEE HIS light, HIS promises, and will continue to seek HIS JOY.  

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more. I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you— I whom you have delivered. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion." Psalm 71:20-24

Today my Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS I am praying today's Power Thought by Joyce Meyer "Something good is going to happen to me today," for each and every single one of you.  I pray today that if you too are hurting, you will know that HE is there, HE is FAITHFUL.  I pray today on this day of Thanksgiving, that you will be able to SEE past your pain, hurt, sorrow, and anguish, and SEE all of HIS goodness that HE has, is, and will continue to pour into your life.  I pray today that if you are alone, you will SEEK HIM, and allow HIM to place people in your life to help you and encourage you in this journey called life.  I pray today that you will have the courage to face it, when it comes to your bitterness, anger, sorrow, anguish, and pain, and know that when you do, HE will meet you right where you are, and HE will pour HIS living water, HIS word into your aching and weary heart and soul.

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

Living HOPE

It's almost 6 a.m. and I've been in my office for almost two hours this morning.  One words keeps coming to mind, HOPE, and yet though I now I will always have HOPE, my heart is still shattered.  As each day passes without my precious little boy, my heart breaks even more than it already is.  The more time passes, the more real the pain is getting.  The more real the pain becomes, the harder it is for me to even think about moving forward.  

Simple tasks such as laundry, and dishes all seem so insurmountable.  The very thought of trying to create a new normal, a new routine without my son, breaks.my.heart........ tears fall, and devastation takes over, and in the end leaves me in its dust.  My heart is completely wiped out from this devastation, and I'm not even sure how I am still walking around, and going through the motions of this life that I have been given.  I walk around each day in such a fog, where I look at my life, and can't believe that it is mine.  That I SEE my sons things, such as his little shoes, socks, diapers, coat and hat with tags still on them hanging in our foyer closet.  His chair in our kitchen, his toothbrush, and paste, his bath seat, his cups, plates, bowls, silverware, his toys, his blankies, oh how he loved his blankies.  I go into his room, with total disbelief that he is really gone.  

Over and over I cry out to HIM, LORD JESUS, come please come, heal my broken shattered heart. Just when I think I may die from a broken heart, HE floods me with HIS peace, by reminding me to breathe, and with each breath, that I know is HIS breath in my lungs, I am calmed down from my sorrow for a while, and peaceful sweet rest comes.  Sometimes I cry so hard just at the thought of this is my life, and this suffering, this longing, this aching is my life, this is my forever on this side of the veil.  The more I think the harder it gets to think about putting one foot in front of the other for more than one step at a time.  Planning, scheduling, calendars, watches, clocks, all of it I avoid as much as possible......however, since I have four other children, and a husband, and well I'm a human being WHO has been called to live an extraordinary life, I know that's not possible, and have to face each and every day praying and waiting...... for HIS HOPE, and HIS PEACE to flood me.

For the past week now HE has been letting me know that in order for me to receive HIS true healing from this horrific tragedy I have to first be willing to be present in my suffering.  The very thought of that makes me want to run and hide, because suffering means, feeling, and that leads to pain, and then its all too real.  Feeling the pain, is overwhelming, telling my heart that my son is gone, forever in this lifetime, makes me so angry, mad, upset, feeling cheated, and defeated. My tears fall like rain, pooling as oceans at my feet, and the only thing that keeps me from going under is my FAITH in HIM, that because HE has taken so much time in teaching, leading, and guiding me to know and understand HIM, that I am able to hold fast, stand firm, in my FAITH, and TRUST in HIM that HE has amazing plans for my life, plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me, to give me HOPE and a FUTURE.  These days, HIS promises are my life preserver.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIM meeting me right here in the middle of my suffering, tears, heartache, and brokenness.  HE is leading me straight into HIS word, and showing me that no matter how hopeless( as I am still human), or helpless I may feel, all I have to do is lean in and press in to HIM, and trust and know that HE is my Living HOPE.  Today HE has placed HIS words found in what HIS apostle Peter wrote that HE placed on his heart to share.

" Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" 1 Peter 1:3

HE is always wanting me to remember and hold fast, hold tight to my FAITH that HE has taught me over the years of walking with HIM.  HE is reminding me of the choice that I made to receive HIM as my SAVIOR.  HE is telling me that through my choice I have been learning that the reason HE was born unto this earth was to save it.  HE is wanting me to remember HE came to save, but to also reconcile us back to HIS HEAVENLY, MY HEAVENLY FATHER, so that when my time here on earth is through, I would join HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN.  HE is reminding me that when I am feeling hopeless and helpless, I must remember to take heart, that HE has indeed OVERCOME the world!  In knowing this, HE is telling me that is how I can TRUST and BELIEVE that HE is my Living HOPE, as HE is ALIVE, and HE is ALIVE in me!  Through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I know this to be true, as my life, the way it has turned out, is NOT something that I could have ever done on my own.  

" For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?" 1 Corinthians 3:16

" and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."
 1 Peter 1:4-5

HE is once again reminding me of the eternal life that has been promised to me when I received HIM as my LORD and SAVIOR.  HE is wanting me to be filled with HIS blessed assurance that the same promise, was kept for my son, and that HE was there to welcome my son home, and that I need not to fear about never seeing my son again, that forever on this side of the veil, is only for a short while, but forever, living in HIS eternal glory, an eternal life with HIM is my future, and it is through HIS Living HOPE that HE has blessed me with, that I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with, is all because HE loved me first.  

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

HE is wanting me to know that HE is watching over me, and will NEVER let anything hurt me, that even in the death of my son, HE worked in and through my heart, to prepare me for then anger, bitterness, and resentment of feeling, cheated, hopeless, and helpless, so that the evil that is testing my FAITH will NOT win, rather HIS love, HIS Living HOPE which is being poured into me will win.  All of this, because I know that in the end, as HE has so lovingly taken the time to teach me that JESUS wins.  HIS Living HOPE wins, and it is through HIS Living HOPE, that I know that my journey towards wholeness will be complete when I too am called home.


"Where the streets are made of gold. In Your presence healed and whole.
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone" Hillsong United "You Hold Me Now"

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." 1 Peter 1:6

When I look back on the years of tests, trials, and storms in my life, I am thankful, I am blessed to have such an appreciation for all HE has done for me. It has been through HIS Living HOPE that HE has poured into me over the years that I have survived, and not only survived, but conquered.  This morning, I went back to the beginning of the worst day of my entire life, and I read all the words of PRAISE that I wrote to HIM, and how I was so incredibly thankful that it was truly a new day, and that I was under new management, of HIS hope, HIS love, HIS light, and NO longer would darkness have a hold on my life, EVER again.  I continued my writing with LORD where you call me I will go, and I will do whatever you call me to do!!!! Oh how I love you JESUS, thank you for always being there for me.  Over and over I praised HIM.  I will never forget that morning, as it was HIS true freedom, through HIS true healing, all because of HIS Living HOPE that HE has built in me, to know, to persevere through any and all tests, trials, and storms that may come my way.

In reading my words, my heart broke even more, as I still feel that way, except now I am suffering in the worst possible way.  Thankfully I am learning, as I continue to seek HIM earnestly every single moment that HE knows my pain, as HE experienced the same pain as me, and that because HE loves me HE won't ever let me go for even one second thinking that I have been forsaken, forgotten, and left alone, to deal, to cope, to heal.  HE is filling me with HIS loving reminders today that HIS Living HOPE is there for me to hold onto, cling to, press into, lean on, depend on, grasp with clenched fists that through my FAITH in HIM, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, I will be able to conquer the deepest sorrow I have ever known.  

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:7-9

Today HE is reminding me of the greatest desire of my heart, and that has been that I would be like HIM, in my thoughts, actions, and words.  That when people would see me they would SEE HIM.  That through my FAITH I would let HIS KINGDOM be known through me.  Today HE is taking me back to my time in therapy with Sheryl, and her tell me that HE refines and renews us like diamonds, and that we have to be put through the fire to be refined.  HE is telling me that HE gave me that reminder, so that though this fire is burning hotter than any of the others I have been put through, HE is there, holding me, helping me, guiding me, HE is my REFUGE and my STRENGTH, and I NEVER have to fear as HIS Living HOPE is always there for me to cling to.  

HE is wanting me to know and understand that HIS Living HOPE, is the only true HOPE that is there for me to cling to.  HE is telling me that this is the reason why I was put through the fire so many times that I couldn't depend on anyone else, that everyone, including D would always fail me.  Just as the day that our son passed, my sweet husband D, tried desperately to save him by doing CPR, to no avail, and in the end, failed to give me HOPE, and this is because HE NEVER intended for me to place ALL of my HOPE, TRUST, and FAITH in anyone else, only HIM.  

Even in my doubt, HE is there, even as I sat here this morning, hoping, praying, waiting... for HIM to speak to me, HE did, HE captured my heart, and met me right where I was.  HE blessed me with songs that spoke straight to my heart about how I was feeling, and it was through those feelings that HE spoke HIS truth straight to my heart, so that I would know that being present in my feelings gives HIM the opportunity to shower me with HIS Living HOPE.

"I've been cheated (I've been Cheated)Defeated (defeated, to believe)
To believe that you're gone.(You're gone, you're gone)Ooh it was wrong(so wrong, so wrong)" Rascall Flatts "Forever"

My sweet Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, how my heart bleeds for all of you for your pain, sorrow, and anguish that you are dealing with.  I pray that if you don't already know that HE is there, waiting.... for you to open up your heart to RECEIVE HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR.  I pray that when you do, you will SEE that HIS Living HOPE is being poured out for you to cling to, press into , lean on, and depend on, always.  I pray today is the day that you will allow HIM to refine you in a way that will make you stronger than a survivor, that through HIM you too will be a conqueror!  

Much love, prayers, understanding, grace, and compassion for you all,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

cry

When I was a little girl, my heart was so broken, and because of that my walls of defense were up so incredibly high.  Thus making it extremely difficult for anyone to be my friend.  Because of this, I was incredibly lonely, and in my loneliness I felt incredibly unloved.  This was a struggle that I would have in my life until much later in my life.

A few months ago I met for coffee with a group of ladies from my church.  The purpose was to get us all together, to get to know one another, and establish new friendships.  I remember afterwards I was standing outside talking to one of my soon to be soul-sisters where I would share my damaged, wounded heart when it comes to friendships.  She looked at me and said, "I want to be your friend, let's hang out."  This was the start of one of many beautiful friendships, where I would be gifted with many soul-sisters.

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me on a journey into my past and showing me just how much HE loves me that in being brave enough to share how much I cry HE prepared a way for me to cope with the deepest sorrow, and most tragic loss of my son.  HE is letting me know that HE knew my heart, and it's desires to have friendships, meaningful, loving, and trusting friendships.  Today I am blown away by just how much HE loves me and just how exactly HE did it all, without my even realizing it until now.

When my son passed, I called my Pastor's wife, who is one of my many soul-sisters.  She then picked up the phone and started asking for prayers on behalf of our family.  It would be later in the night that she and three other soul-sisters would arrive at our home, to comfort, cry, and just be there for our family.  I will NEVER forget that night, that was so full of love, compassion, and grace and tears.

It is rapidly coming up on the sixth week mark of life without my son, and my heart still doesn't know how to move more than a few inches at a time.  This for me in discouraging, as I am usually a very pro-active person when it comes to my FAITH, and doing what HE calls me to do. In short I am a doer, and I don't do well with being still.  

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

However, since I clearly do NOT call the shots when it comes to my life, that is exactly what HE has been teaching me since my son's passing.  HE is wanting me to know that it was NEVER HIS intention that I would just do a series of things, and then my season of mourning would be over.  Rather, HIS plans would include times of silence, that would teach me to press in, and lean on HIM.  HIS plans would be that I would read a sentence in my bible that states "why cry?"  To which I responded, I'm NOT reading that!  Oh my, how foolish am I,  haven't I learned yet that it's NEVER no with HIM but always a resounding YES!  Because HE loves me that is exactly what HE led me to do, and so for the past week all I have done is cry.

In knowing how much I would need HIM, HE would place me on many of my soul-sisters hearts to pray for me, so it was no surprise to me that HE would speak to me, straight to my heart, through one of my soul-sisters.  After typing out yesterday's blog, I was in a good place, or so I thought.  It was then that I received a private message from a sweet soul-sister sharing with me what HE had placed on her heart, while praying fervently for me.  Upon reading her words, tears fell, and peace flooded me, as what she said, could have only come from HIM.  

Her message to me, was HIS message of HOPE, LOVE, and TRUST, so that through my sorrow, sadness, and tears I would be able to SEE and choose HIS JOY.  Her words to me yesterday were this:

"Heather, I wanted you to know that I have been praying for you morning and night as always.  You are so loved by your church family.  We see the pain and bring you to GOD often.  This morning as I prayed for you a thought kept crossing my mind... GOD could have saved this wretched world, could have made a way to reconcile sinners to HIMSELF, in any form.  The plan for Salvation could have taken any form but nothing GOD does is accidental.  I think GOD knew that the most leveling, most painful, most heart wrenching grief a human would ever experience ~ would be found in the death of ones child.  HE knew.  So good is GOD that HE made Salvation come through the death of HIS child.  I believe HE did this so that we could never believe there was a pain so deep HE did not understand.  

"This is love: not that we loved GOD, but that HE loved us and sent HIS SON as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

But Satan, also knows the heart-shattering pain this type of loss is, he bets against us with it. Satan wants to to be able to take the loss of a loved one and use it to turn the face of the grieving from GOD.  

"But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.” JOB 1:11

GOD always knew Satan's game, his schemes.  By being willing to sacrifice HIS own child, GOD gave grieving Mama's such a weapon to beat back the evil: shared experience.  You and GOD both lost a son  you love.  SO you can cling to HIM knowing HE knows fully the depth and breadth of your pain.  We talked briefly at bible study too about how, in this grief, you have the chance to know GOD more.  I was thinking about how, in a way, as you grieve the loss of your son, you will get to know GOD in a way I don't ~ as another parent who had to lose their child to death for a bit.  And truly in the past I have thought about how slightly sad even the day GOD sent HIS son away for over 30 years.... just as you have been asked to send your son for a time.  Even in THIS waiting you are suffering in a way very familiar to GOD.  HE SEES  you Heather, HE knows, HE can be trusted with your grief and you can trust in the victory that will be found as you continue to stay with GOD and resist letting the enemy use this for his gain. " 

" I remind you, my dear children: Your sins are forgiven in Jesus’ name. You veterans were in on the ground floor, and know the One who started all this; you newcomers have won a big victory over the Evil One"
1 John 2:13-14 The Message

HE knew that upon reading her words, that is when I would be finally able to fully grasp just how close to HIM I now am.  HE knew that her words would speak straight to my heart, and that I would be comforted in knowing that the once longed for friendships, have now been multiplied.  

I can tell you that the ONLY reason I have made it this far is because HE loves me so much that HE would ensure that I, and my family would have a HUGE network of support, love, help, and grace.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knew what I was going to be facing, and loved me so much that HE made sure that I would SEE HIM in the details of each and every step on this new journey that I am in mourning the loss of my sweet precious son.

Today I am so incredibly thankful to know that this pain, the horrible heart-wrenching pain that I am now living with, breathing through, and walking one step at time with is shared by HIM, THE ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, WHO HE HIMSELF suffered the loss of HIS only begotten SON.  

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
John 3:16 KJV

This past week during a talk with my brother he shared with me what a friend of his was saying about how he felt bad for my five year old son, that he lost his only brother.  That his pain, is much paralleled to HIS pain of losing HIS one and only SON.  I thought about it a lot this week, but didn't realize what that truly meant until now.  HE is telling me that HE is even so into the details, that HE ensured that the pain that my sweet precious five year old son's pain was known.  That the pain of losing his one and only was known by GOD.  WOW! That is so incredibly comforting, as his Mama, as I have watched my sweet little boy struggle so badly with his grief of feeling as if though he wasn't a big brother anymore.

Yesterday while in my office, he came in and leaned into me and said, "Mama when I think of him, I cry, I'm sad, I miss him Mama."  I pulled him close to me into a warm embrace, and could feel HIM holding both of us, as the tears fell from our eyes.  Even in comforting my son, HE is there, HE is in every single detail of our lives, in our stories, on this journey called life.  

" But whoever loves God is known by God." 1 Corinthians 8:3

Today I am so incredibly overwhelmed by HIS relentless pursuit of my heart, soul, and mind.  So that I could NOT only know of HIM, but know HIM, know of HIS great love for me.  So that I would NOT only know of HIS love, but feel HIS love, by experiencing HIS great love for me, and for my family.  Today I can SEE HIM in every single area of my life, working, making ALL things turn out for HIS good.

Today I am seeking HIS KINGDOM all around me.  I am asking HIM what it is that HE is doing, and what my part in it should be.  Today I am trusting HIM, with my tears, as I am learning that even when I cry HE hears the words that are in those tears.  Today I am gaining an even broader and greater understanding of WHO HE is, WHAT HE has done, and WHAT HE WILL continue to do!  Today I am resting, and trusting in HIM, and BELIEVING HIM when HE says HE has amazing plans for my life.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS~ I pray today even if it's too hard for you to cry, that you will know that HE is there, holding you, and waiting for you to open your heart up to HIM so that HE can help you.  I pray today that you will know when you cry HE is there, catching every one of your tears, and that HE knows, and HEARS the words that make up those tears.  I pray today that if you feel alone, that you will TRUST and know that HE has gone ahead of you, and you are NEVER alone.  I pray that you will SEE that HE is in the details of your life, by setting up a network of support in your life, through your family and friends.  I pray today that you will trust HIM and lean in and press into him, so that HE will be able to lead you on the path of HIS true freedom.  I pray today that you know that HE deeply loves you.

Much love, fervent prayers, compassion, understanding, and always grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather