waiting.....

As I sit here in my office this morning, deep sorrow has found me.  Through my tears I have cried out to HIM all morning, about my deeply profound sadness that we were 7, and now we are only 6.... even more than that, I cried out with all the pain in my heart, that as I sit here and type, I realize that I won't hear his little feet on the steps, knowing that Mama is in her office.  I sit here.... waiting.... waiting..... to hear his little feet hit each step, and his little cry of Mama, Mama, Mama.... waiting.... to hear him say in his sing songy voice... Hi Mama.... waiting..... only to be struck with the crushing, devastating reality that no longer will my son ever cry out for Mama, waiting...... only to be devastated that my son, my precious sweet little baby love, doesn't need his Mama any more.

Waiting.... only to realize that my hopes and dreams for him are gone.  Waiting..... having to tell myself a million times a day that, "this is just it Heather, this is your life now, your time with him is over......."   Waiting..... to see him at the breakfast table in his sweet little footie pajamas.  Waiting.... to hear him singing, and dancing on his train table.... waiting.... waiting.... waiting..... waiting.....

It is through tears this morning, that I write today's blog, about waiting.... HE is lovingly holding me, and meeting me in my sorrow, with HIS amazing grace, and relentless love, and is asking me to repeat HIS promises to me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE is with me, and hears my cries, and catches every single one of my tears.  HE is telling me that HE is sorry for me having to be hurt, but if I keep waiting... I will be able to see all of the through HIS vision, and I will know that it was for me and NOT to me.  HE is asking me to trust HIM, fully trust HIM, as I continue waiting.....

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" 2 Corinthians 1:3

HE is asking me in my time of waiting.... this morning to cling to HIS promises, as HE has proven HIMSELF time and again to me that HE truly is the GOD of all comfort and compassion.  HE is wanting me to know that HE cares deeply for me, and is holding me as each tear, and cry of anguish pours out from my weary, shattered soul.  HE is letting me know that I don't have to be as brave, or courageous, or strong as people tell me I am.  HE is wanting me to know that it is okay for me to fall apart, as HE loves me so much that HE has always intended to build me so much stronger with HIM than I ever have been without HIM.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed,  he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts." Psalm 103:13-18

HE is telling me though I may not understand it in my humanness, I must trust HIM that HE is SOVEREIGN, and that HE has already written the story of our lives.  HE has been telling me sometime through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS that my story has already been written, I am just blessed enough to be living it.  HE is telling me that while I am waiting.... HE is wanting me to know that HE has written for our families life to be this way, as HE knew that HE would be building us strong enough as a family to be able to endure this tragedy. 

 This pains me, as I can't imagine writing this for someones life, however because I trust HIM, completely, I know that HIS glory is written all over this, and what Satan "thought" he would use to wipe out entire family out with, or at least his biggest threat which is  me, Heather, who is SICK and TIRED of being a victim in his cruel heartless game of seek, kill, destroy, and show no mercy. 

 HE is telling me that the reason why I have been through what I a have been through has all been so that on the day that I asked HIM into my heart, HE would begin the most amazing, beautiful transformation that would astonish me daily, as I began to learn what it meant to be waiting.... in HIS timing, not mine.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

HE is wanting me to know that while it may NOT have been my timing for my son to be called home, HE is reminding me that HIS timing is perfect, as HE has so lovingly proved this to me time and again.  Today I am clinging to HIS promise to me that HIS timing and provision are perfect, and one day, even though it may not be today, while waiting.... all will be revealed to me.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Romans 8:31-39

Over and over I soak in HIS word, desperately wanting to know, to see HIS JOY that is waiting for me.  Desperately needing and wanting to feel HIS love being poured out for me in the midst of the deepest, saddest, most painful sorrow I have ever had to endure.  To be full of HIS true confidence, that NOT even in death, the catastrophic loss of my precious son could separate HIS love from me.  That NOTHING, NO ONE, NOT ONE THING, could ever break my strength that I have found in HIM to withstand this massive storm that is wreaking havoc all over my life, and my families life.  

Waiting..... as I sit here and listen to praise music, the song "Stand" by Hillsong United "So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the ONE WHO gave it ALL.  So I'll stand with my soul LORD to YOU surrendered, ALL I am is YOURS."  

Waiting..... I continue to praise and worship HIM, through tears I will forever worship and praise HIM  for I have learned that HE is good, ALL of the time, and EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING that HE has done, is doing, or will EVER do in my life has been for me, and NOT to hurt me, but to give me a future full of HIS promise that HE has it all worked out, and my best, HIS best is yet to come. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is telling me that it is okay that I am waiting.... all HE asks of me is that I choose to be waiting... with great expectations because I am being reminded daily of HIS great love for me.  HE is reminding me of how in this my time of waiting.... that my children, and everyone else that I encounter is watching me, and what they are seeing is the most beautiful thing.  HE gave me this image of my clinging to HIM, and HIS promises for my life, through my FAITHFUL courageous, prayer warrior, soul-sister in a text that she sent me the other day.   

I wrote : "This is so hard, being called to do the hard.  Thank You for praying, I love you."  She wrote: "I can't imagine Heather, I just can't.  :'( you are just incredible.  Your faith is inspiring and your calling as a mom is awesome to witness.  I know you may not always feel like what you have right now is enough, but trust that it's exactly enough.  GOD is sustaining you and your kids are going to look back years from now and be able to say, "I saw Mama cling to JESUS in the most awful of times and HE showed up."  Gosh Heather, that is so amazing  That is KINGDOM changing.

This morning, HE is reminding me of that text, and is reminding me once again that HE never intended for me to be doing this alone.  That even in my waiting..... HE is there, and HE loves me, and for as long as it takes, no matter what HE will move ANY and ALL mountains in my life for me to receive and be full of HIS Blessed Assurance that JESUS is MINE, and that HE is there for me always.  

So once again in my waiting.... I sing:  "CHRIST Alone CORNERSTONE, the weak made strong in the SAVIORS LOVE, and through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of ALL"

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ 

oh how my heart aches for each and everyone of us, for all the pain and loss that we have had to endure.  It is my prayer that you will seek HIM, and allow our HEALER to heal your broken and weary souls.  That you will seek HIM, and you will find HIM, and HIS reservoir of LIVING WATER waiting to be poured out for you, and into you, and through you, so that you will be making HIS KINGDOM known through you.  I pray today that you will lay your burdens down at the foot of the cross, and allow HIM to take them from you.  I pray for peace, and healing today for each of you, and you continue on your journey towards wholeness with HIM.

Much love, prayers, understanding, compassion, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS, 

~ Heather 

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