step....

This morning I woke up with a heaviness in my heart.  I knew I needed HIM, yet I didn't know how to tell HIM that.  As I sat at my desk, journal and pen in hand, I struggled to say what I was feeling. It was in that moment HE met me right where I was, and I penned my first thought "LORD JESUS, I need YOU...... I am weary and weak without YOU........ I need YOUR strength LORD......"

Even now as I sit here typing, I can still feel the heaviness that has taken up residence in my heart and soul.  This heaviness that goes with me every where I go, and is relentless.  Each day I wake up the stabbing pain of "hey great job Heather, you survived another day without your son, but guess what, you get to do it all over again today!"  Gleefully, cheerfully my sorrow attacks me, and leaves me in its dust.  I wish I could say that with time the sharp pain has lessened, however that is NOT the truth. The truth is the more time passes, the more real the pain is becoming, as each new situation, and first that I encounter feels like a betrayal.  A betrayal that I am living, moving on, somehow forgetting my precious little boy.  

The battle is real in my mind, each day is a struggle to stay in the right frame of mind, as the enemy is constantly on me to tell me how I feel.  How to feel, and what to do with those feelings.  Thankfully HE introduced the importance of Power Thoughts, so that when I would need to be able to fight back, I would know just what to do.  Each day that passes the battle becomes more clear to me, that the only way to survive this is to NOT give in, or give up.  Rather this is HIS invitation to me to join HIM in fighting back by leaning in, pressing in, and through my FAITH in HIM.

"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." Romans 10:9-10

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that with each step of FAITH I take in obedience to HIM, is giving HIM even more opportunities to shower me with HIS faithfulness.  Today HE is asking me once again to step....... to TRUST, to HOPE, to BELIEVE that with HIM all things are possible.  HE is asking me to step so that I will be able to NOT only survive the impossible, but so that I will conquer the impossible.

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Since losing my son the world's message has been sent through several different people and that is, out of sight out of mind, medication, giving into depression, it's okay to be depressed, JESUS wants to help you by using other people, so that your dependence will be on NOT only HIM but people as well.  Over and over the messages have been shoved, and sometimes crammed down my throat.  Over and over I have clearly stated that I need for NOTHING but HIM as HE is truly the ONLY one WHO knows my pain,and WHO can help me.  I have said that it has been made clear to me that I am NOT to avoid this pain, but rather embrace the pain, live through it, by falling safely into HIS arms, and crying deeply into HIS chest, as HE is the ONLY one WHO truly has my best interest at heart.

The more worldly advice comes my way the LOUDER HIS voice becomes in my heart and mind, that HE is there, HE will help me, all I have to do is take a step.  This morning HE has captured my heart once again by reminding me that my story has already been written, by HIM, on purpose, for HIS purpose, so WHY wouldn't I go to the Author of my story to SEE how I am to take each and every step in this journey called life.

Two years ago I was introduced to a song that would become my hearts cry.  Oceans by Hillsong United speaks directly to my heart, and describes everything that I am feeling, and fearing.  

"SPIRIT lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  and my FAITH will be made stronger in the presence of my SAVIOR."

"Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus." Matthew 14:28-29

Since Monday, October 13, 2014 I have been in an ocean so vast, and so deep, full of sorrow, sadness, anger, despair, and anguish.  Each day since the worst day of my life I have cried an ocean of tears.  Each day, HE has met me right where I am, and has filled me with HIS HOPE, that my time of mourning is only for a while, that JOY will come in the morning.  HE is telling me that HE knows how badly I am hurting, how with each step of FAITH I am taking, the painful reminders that my son is no longer here are everywhere I look.  HE is filling me with HIS blessed assurance, that even though everywhere I look all I SEE is painful reminders, HE is wanting me to remember to always look UP, to reach UP, and to step UP and OUT in my FAITH, and SEE that HE is there, always, and HE will help me, HE will hold me, and through HIS relentless love, and amazing grace I will survive, I will conquer.  Through HIM I will be victorious, all because I chose to take a step.

"Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

"weeping may stay for the night,  but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Today HE is asking me to once again step out of the boat of denial and hiding, and come into HIS presence, to meet HIM right there in the midst of my pain, to feel to know HIS love, HIS mercy, HIS grace, that HE is drenching me, and flooding me with.  HE is telling me that the only way to be rescued, is to hold fast, TRUST and know that through HIS timing and HIS provision I, Heather, will get through, survive, conquer, and will be victorious in OVERCOMING this massive loss with HIM.  I can hear HIS voice tell me today : "In CHRIST, with CHRIST alone is the ONLY way."

"You make known to me the path of life;  you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37

HE is telling me that stepping out of the boat isn't about being safe, feeling safe, rather always TRUSTING that HE is there, that even though my feet can't touch the bottom, HE will hold me upright, so I won't drown.  HE knows of my fear of drowning in this overwhelming pit of sorrow, sadness, pain, anger, anguish, all made up of my oceans of tears. 

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

HE is lovingly reminding me once again that in order to step I have to first let go, and let HIM lead me.  This means I have to shut down, shut out, and shut up the lies of the enemy that there is NO way to survive that surely if I get out of the boat, I will most definitely drown.  HE is letting me know that the only way I won't survive is by staying in the boat of denial, hiding, full of lies and manipulations that will only sweep me further away from HIM.  HE is telling me that it has always been HIS intention for me to learn to take my first step, and every step after that with HIM so that I would be able to truly live my life on purpose for HIS purpose.  

"Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10

"But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4

I am learning that with each step that I am taking my FAITH is growing stronger.  With each step my dependence on HIM is increasing.  Through each step HE is filling me with HIS truth, HIS promises that HE will NEVER leave me nor will HE EVER forsake me.  HE is wanting me to know that when fear is lurking, I must remember HIS promises, and cry out to HIM, and HE will always meet me right where I am.  HE is telling me that when ever I sense the darkness lurking, all I have to do is look UP and I will SEE HIS light shining bright for me to guide me straight to HIS loving arms.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

"For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son" Colossians 1:13

I know this to be true, as yesterday I struggled till late afternoon, early evening with a horrible heaviness full of despair, that lead me to feeling defeated.  I was feeling cheated, defeated, stripped, and robbed.  Finally, I had enough, and I went straight to my office, pulled out my journal, and penned my thoughts.  

"Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; he Lord hears when I call to him." Psalm 4:3

Through the next hour HE spoke directly to my heart about courage, and how it takes courage to speak HIS words, HIS truth, in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.  HE reminded me of how my courage is so that I am able to speak HIS truth, is ALL for HIS glory.  HE is telling me that it is through the power of HIS HOLY SPIRIT that I am able to speak HIS words, courageously, boldly, and bravely.  HE is reminding me once again that even though the world doesn't understand WHY I am choosing to grieve in the way that I am, HE knows, and with HIM through the world will soon SEE as well.  

"Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you." 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

HE was asking me once again to let go of my plans, and TRUST HIS plans.  By the end of the night, I was feeling much better and HE ended the night with HIS word that gave me the most peaceful sleep.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart,  but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh how my heart breaks and aches for each of you who are hurting today.  I pray today is the day that you will lay your burdens down at the foot of the cross.  I pray that today you will be released the bondage's and lies of the enemy.  I pray today that you will have the courage to step out in FAITH to know to trust to believe that HE has amazing plans for your life, to give you HOPE and a future.  I pray today that you will have the courage to step out of the boat, and into the ocean of unknown.  I pray that when you do, HIS favor and blessings will be poured over your life through your obedience to HIM.

Always in love and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather