waiting for the moment to pass....

One of the hardest parts of going through child loss and learning to live life in the aftermath is how hard everything is.  Being five years in, I'm not struggling to breathe anymore, or worrying if I'll ever smile again, or whether or not I'll ever stop crying.  My struggles are dealing with the mundane while living with such deeply immense emotions about well basically everything.  Its as though what used to hurt me a little, rips away the scars that I have from losing my son.  What used to not really offend me can easily throw me off the deep end of my emotions. When that happens, it takes everything within to just keep holding on... waiting for the moment to pass.

Last night after pouring my heart out into my writing my heart was aching.  I was missing Seth something fierce, and to be honest I was angry in the missing.  I was angry that no one understands what it's like to miss your child who lives in heaven, well that is unless your a parent whose child lives in heaven... and in that case, my heart bleeds for yours as this pain is the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to go through, and I wouldn't wish this type of pain on even my worst enemy.

So much I hate that this pain that I live with daily is now a part of me, and I've learned to adapt to it... well for the most part that is.  However, there are times where the pain from the grief comes rushing at me in the form of agony, as I cry so much I feel myself splitting in half.  Crying to the point where I am sure that my chest will cave in at any moment.  Those moments I dread, I avoid... I hide from, and pray that they become less and less a part of my story.  Those moments crush me and lead me into the ocean of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  Those moments are where I am most vulnerable, and where my enemy preys on my weakness, and if I am not diligent, will take over my thoughts and lead me into the a sea of hopelessness.

Last night this is exactly what happened, and as I was driving to work this morning I began to walk through the truth of it all with HIM.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has led me to understanding, in being able to SHINE HIS LIGHT on the brokenness that I experience when the waves of agony strike.  HE has shown me what the enemy of my soul does in those moments where I can't think, or see beyond the loss... the missing, the desperation to just hold my son even for a moment longer.  HE has met me in my brokenness, sat in my grief with me, and cried tears of agony with me as I try in all of my capabilities to understand how... or why.  HE has assured me that HE is with me in all of it, leading me through the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the words, and the tears.  All for HIS purpose, for me to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to SHINE HIS LIGHT on child loss that even in that HE is still good, and when I choose to TRUST HIM HE WILL lead me to new life, full of new beginnings.  HE has also drenched me with HIS grace that sometimes it's not about me being strong in the grief, rather just breathing, and waiting for the moment to pass.

So much since this horrendous journey began I've wanted to be done.  I've wanted my time of suffering to end.  Even more so for my children's suffering to end.  As a little more of me dies having to watch each of my children mourn their brother.  How whenever we are together for family celebrations, vacations, and moments its still so painfully obvious that one of us is missing.  They know how much their Mama cries for their little brother and don't know what to say, how to pray, or how to help, so they just sit beside me... waiting... for the moment to pass.

D and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on the 17th of this month.  21 years of saying yes, that no matter what, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, we would love each other.  Through good times and bad, sickness and health, no matter how hard things would get we would still choose each other.  Both D and I wear new wedding rings as life has taken a toll on each of our health, and our original rings no longer fit.  My rings that I now wear mean more to me than the original rings, as it's been in the trenches, and surviving the aftermath of life's tough blows that we've decided, we've chosen to keep choosing each other.  It has been through navigating through child loss, the hardest thing parents will ever face in their marriage, that we have learned what our marriage vows really mean.  Through our promises to HIM and to each other that we will get through it, no matter what.  Yet at times, both of us coming undone, unsure how we can possibly survive another blow.  It's in those moments where we press in, deep into our FAITH, remember HIS promises, HIS FAITHFULNESS, breathe... all while waiting for the moment to pass.

So much I wish things were different.  I wish that Seth could be here, that pain and sorrow wouldn't be known to us.  However, I am grateful that we don't have to go through it alone.  I am thankful to know, to live, to experience that HE is indeed close to the broken hearted.  I am grateful that HE is making a way each new day that we are given, and we have the unique ability to sit with those who mourn, and mourn with them.  I am thankful that I have been given the gift to speak about child loss, and what walking with JESUS looks like all the while struggling to TRUST that HE does have my best interest at heart.  I am thankful that I have been created SET APART to be transparent in my FAITH, in sharing my struggles as well as my triumphs.

So much Dear One's my prayer for you today is that if today finds you drenched in sorrow, that you will breathe and know HE is with you.  I pray for courage for you to stand, to walk the narrow path no matter how hard it may be.  I pray for you to be drenched in HIS grace that if you need to sit down to be able to breathe, you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that it's okay to not be okay, and sometimes the only way through the hard parts of life is to just rest... and wait for the moment to pass.  My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, today I pray for you to press deep into your faith, proclaiming HIS PROMISES for your life, and that you will come to know HIM as I have, and that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather



  

healing through tears....

So many tears have been shed today as I have sought HIM to be broken open so that HE would be able to SHINE HIS light on my shame that has been buried in the darkest parts of my soul.  Shame that was first placed on me at an age where I couldn't even possibly express myself.  My earliest recollection of abuse is from when I was 2.5 years old.  Abuse that lasted until I was four years old, only to leave one abusive home, and be led straight into hell on earth.

By the time I was four years old, all of my innocence had been stolen.  The abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather began, that would carry through till I turn fifteen years old.  Yesterday while sitting in my therapists office, I recalled when it all began.  How I felt, what my emotions were like, and in the safety of her office, I found myself sitting in the bathroom on that dreary, rainy afternoon.  

I will never forget how confused I felt, and couldn't understand his praises to me, praises that would teach me, would show me, that unless I was all the things that he wanted me to be, I was bad.  Praises that led me to see myself as worthless, bad, and a disappointment until I did what I was told.  Praises that set the tone for my self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of belonging for the rest of my childhood, and into my adulthood.

Lies that brought about massive self-destruction in my life, destroyed any confidence in people, and  destroyed relationships with those who truly did love me, and ultimately led me straight into death's vice grip.  Thankfully as you know HE stepped in and rescued me, through my two precious little girls when I was just 23 years old.  I couldn't fathom leaving my little girls behind, but all I knew was I needed help, and clung desperately to the hope that I would find someone to help me.

Two short years later, through a devastating miscarriage of my third child, HE radically changed my life, and on my 25th birthday I gave my life to JESUS.  A decision that I have yet to regret.  A decision that has redeemed me from the guilt of wanting to give up my life to this world, to die, to leave this world that has wrecked me.  HE saved me from death's evil clutches and blessed me with four more children.  

Through each season of growing I went through unbearable heartache, change, and growth ALL for HIS glory, to ultimately HE had me forgive my step-grandfather for abusing me from the time that I was four years old until I was fifteen years old.  Forgiveness that set me free from bitterness, lies, nightmares, and flashbacks.  Freedom in HIM was my story.  

I began to share my story of freedom in HIM, convinced that was my time of suffering.  Throughout the next ten years HE would lead me on a journey of forgiving, and rebuking lies from many people in my life.  Each time bringing me closer to HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me that HE was indeed trustworthy.  With each new step of obedience that I found myself taking with HIM, I was convinced that I was doing all that HE had intended for me.  

The more I soaked in HIS word, the more I was convinced that my family and myself were protected under HIS blood, as I was Faithfully serving, following, and obeying HIM.  All the way until the morning of October 13, 2014 where I stood in my office with my son, where I pledged my life to HIM, I stood arms held high, heart abandoned, ALL in.... no matter what.

Looking back to that moment, it wasn't hard for me to give HIM ALL of me, as HE had proven HIMSELF trustworthy to me.  I didn't doubt HIM that HE was for me, and I couldn't wait to SEE to experience what HE was going to do in me, through me, and for me.  I was honored to BE HIS living vessel, HIS messenger of light.  I was so sure that I understood what HE was asking of me..... until....

I found myself drowning in agony.... in the darkest ocean of despair, feeling so incredibly and overwhelmingly hopeless, and helpless.  I was shattered beyond recognition, I couldn't even breathe, my soul cried out for me, I didn't even have to try, I trembled with pain... tears of immense sorrow pooled as oceans at my feet, drowning me to the point where I couldn't even hold my head up anymore.  

For months I was barely hanging on, I was drowning, dying from weariness, sorrow, pain, and the most overwhelming grief I had ever known.  I was done living for HIM, I had given into the life of surviving and had given up that any relief would ever come.  Until HE reached down, lifted me out of my pit of despair, brought me to the shore.... and had me rest for almost a year.   Medication that would shut down my brain to keep it from thinking, from feeling, from doing anything but resting.  Rest that caused me to sleep... a lot..... to cry a lot.... to stare off into nothing a lot.  Rest that would keep me from living life as a Mama of six beautiful blessings.  Rest that would hinder me from being able to read HIS word, to journal my feelings, and my devastating reality.  Rest that would eventually lead me to feelings of "restless"  a longing was crying from my soul.  Longing for life to be lived, to be experienced.  Longing for any semblance of who I used to be.

A longing that has led me straight to where I HE found me today.  I have begun the next chapter of my journey in learning how to THRIVE in my life, through FREEDOM in CHRIST JESUS, all because JESUS DID, and HE IS.  Reading Christine Caine's Unashamed is as if I were looking inside the soul of my 4, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 26 year old self.  The lies that were repeatedly whispered into my soul.  Today in JESUS name I rebuked those lies of shame as HE lovingly began to break open the hidden wounds of my soul, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my hidden shame.  

I have spent the entire day reading only the inside cover, introduction, and first chapter.  penning my thoughts, pouring my heart out as memories came flooding out, lies of shame, bondages that were made long before I could even begin to understand what I was agreeing to.  Today has begun a journey of the little girl wounded being rescued by her REDEEMER.  Today I have begun to take the steps to learn, as HE takes me on a journey of learning to LIVE in HIS FREEDOM which will ultimately lead me to THRIVE in this one life that I have been given.

Today I have so much healing through my tears in learning to let go, letting out all the pain, sorrow, and shame that I've buried, kept hidden for so long.  I have ugly cried for my younger versions of myself as HE has lovingly broken me open to receive HIS healing grace.  Today I have come alongside of my younger self as a loving Mama and loved those broken parts of me.  Pieces of me have come to the surface, memories of the most defining moments of my life, that have shaped me, that have given me the vision of who I am.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

10/27/19- I wrote this last year, feeling as if though I shouldn't share it, as it was just me feeling sorry for myself, as I now know this was just the enemy keeping the shame on me, and today I'm lifting the shame off me. ~ I truly believe when we pray for a breakthrough, HE will take us through it, I've seen HIM move mountains, and I believe I WILL SEE HIM DO IT AGAIN.

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather

Back to Where it All Began....

So much has happened in the last 1.5 years.  September 2018 I started working full-time for the first time in 15 years as a stay at home mom.  Unsure if I was taking the right steps, HE began to lead me through my first year working full time.  Steps towards healing that revealed a huge source of deep pain for me.  In the same time my second oldest moved out of our home.  Another step in forced change.  Forced to accept, and embrace, and left me feeling as though my broken heart was exposed once again.  I struggle to even write what this past year has been like, as I'm not in a good place right now.  To be brutally honest, I am hating life right now.  I'm hating how difficult it's all become, and though I can still SEE that HE is good, and how far I've come, I am crushed by my reality.  My crushing reality that my now almost four year old doesn't ever want Mama, and only wants her siblings, and her daddy.  I am crushed that I had to fight so hard to come back as Mama, and now that I have I don't feel like there is a place for me within our family.   I'm struggling at being Mama. I'm struggling at being content.  I'm struggling to even just be.

This past week we went back to TN for a family vacation.  I had been praying for family resolution, and for relationships to be restored.  I was praying for a breakthrough as Mama, for my purpose to be revealed.  For my soul to be set on fire once again, to be filled with passion to share HIS word, and was found sitting on the edge of a mountain, drenched in tears as I was anything but content, or on fire, or feeling any sort of purpose at all.  My heart was aching for my son, as it's now been five years, too many to still be crying according to this world.  Five years of missing a part of me, five years that I've struggled to survive.

This past year has been a massive struggle to TRUST to know... to believe... to press into my faith.  In February D and I drove with our crew to GA to say goodbye to my dad as he wasn't doing well.  A month later he went into Hospice care.  April came and was almost over, and our youngest became extremely ill, and had to be rushed to a Children's Hospital in severe respiratory distress.  All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as the doctors and nurses fought to save her.  Tears too afraid to even fall, welled up in my eyes, as words failed.... I cried out to HIM, "JESUS , JESUS, JESUS, JESUS" for over an hour.  Thankfully she was healed.... here, and I survived another test... another trial through the fire... to hold on, and press into my faith.

One week later in  May we had to say goodbye to my dad.. as another piece of my heart went to heaven.  My last words to him were, "Kiss Seth for me, hug him for me daddy."  I struggled to breathe the night the phone call came, as I knew... I cried myself to sleep, and got up and went to work the next morning.  Going to work as if nothing had changed, nothing was hard, nothing hurt, and I was fine.  When inside I was screaming from the pain, as the crushing reality set in, my Dad, like Seth... was now gone.... gone.... until my time for forever would begin.

After my Dad's celebration of life, I struggled to keep moving forward, mostly because I was hating how things were in my life.  I wanted to call my dad, and cry to him, like I had done when Seth died, and was brutally ripped from our lives.  I went back to work, and tried my best to keep positive thoughts, and push through the hard.

For months I've struggled with feeling like a failure that even though I know how much good HE has done in my life, I'm still hurting, and unable to keep moving forward believing for more in this life for myself.  So much this afternoon I was reading how to survive feeling as if there is no purpose for your life only to merely survive.  As tears streamed from my eyes, the words, "no one cares" spilled from my lips... and brought me straight into HIS waiting arms.

Grief and Loss have taught me that no one is really ever equipped to handle all of your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your agony, your doubt, your disbelief.... well no one except HIM.  So all of this leads me to here right now, me sitting at the computer I haven't sat at since Seth died.  Typing on the same keyboard that birthed this blog.  Spilling out my feelings into words, in hopes that what HE is telling me will sink deep into the darkest spaces of my heart.  Writing what life after loss is really like, and how JESUS will be enough to help you get through to the next moment.  How HIS breath in your lungs will enable you to breathe when your breath is taken away.  How praying won't just make everything better, but will open the gateway from your head to your heart to where heart work will take place.  How when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE is with us.  HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT for us to SEE... to survive, and to eventually THRIVE.    I have learned that grief and love go hand in hand, as where there was deep love, there is an even greater loss because it is love that has nowhere to go.  Loss that has to be... needs to be healed.  Loss that only when your heart is willing to admit, to feel, can be healed from the inside out.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has awakened my soul once again in leading me back to where it all began.  A day much like today, where feelings of failure, and no purpose, as if my family would be better off without me.  A day where I was desperate for a breakthrough.  Desperate for purpose, for passion, for life giving change.  The song "Reckless Love" plays in the background:

"There's no shadow YOU won't light up
Mountain YOU won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall YOU won't kick down
Lie YOU won't tear down
Coming after me

Once again HE has captured my heart, and has met me in the brokenness of child loss.  HE has caught my tears as I've cried to the end of my soul asking once again... "how could you break my heart so badly?  How all of this change, struggle, and pain really be a part of YOUR plan.  How will you mend this, make this for good, restore this, how LORD... and please LORD help me with my unbelief.  Give me the passion, the courage, the determination to keep stepping out, stepping up, and SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS WHO YOU ARE."

Dear One's,

Grief and Loss have changed me, and HIS love has healed me enough... to do what I need for this moment.  I pray that if you too are struggling through grief and loss that you will know that you are NOT alone.  I pray that you will feel yourself being wrapped in HIS mighty wings and will hear HIS voice speaking HIS promises to you that HE is indeed making a way.  Hold Fast Dear Hearts, HE'S in this with you.  HE can handle your anger, your hatred, your disbelief, your jealousy, your bitterness, all.of.it.  HE can handle, and is in it with you, and will help you.  So much my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS I pray that you will come to know HIM as the GOD of COMFORT, WHO comforts us, so that we may comfort others.  Breathe and know Dear One's that you are loved.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather