So many tears have been shed today as I have sought HIM to be broken open so that HE would be able to SHINE HIS light on my shame that has been buried in the darkest parts of my soul. Shame that was first placed on me at an age where I couldn't even possibly express myself. My earliest recollection of abuse is from when I was 2.5 years old. Abuse that lasted until I was four years old, only to leave one abusive home, and be led straight into hell on earth.
By the time I was four years old, all of my innocence had been stolen. The abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather began, that would carry through till I turn fifteen years old. Yesterday while sitting in my therapists office, I recalled when it all began. How I felt, what my emotions were like, and in the safety of her office, I found myself sitting in the bathroom on that dreary, rainy afternoon.
I will never forget how confused I felt, and couldn't understand his praises to me, praises that would teach me, would show me, that unless I was all the things that he wanted me to be, I was bad. Praises that led me to see myself as worthless, bad, and a disappointment until I did what I was told. Praises that set the tone for my self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of belonging for the rest of my childhood, and into my adulthood.
Lies that brought about massive self-destruction in my life, destroyed any confidence in people, and destroyed relationships with those who truly did love me, and ultimately led me straight into death's vice grip. Thankfully as you know HE stepped in and rescued me, through my two precious little girls when I was just 23 years old. I couldn't fathom leaving my little girls behind, but all I knew was I needed help, and clung desperately to the hope that I would find someone to help me.
Two short years later, through a devastating miscarriage of my third child, HE radically changed my life, and on my 25th birthday I gave my life to JESUS. A decision that I have yet to regret. A decision that has redeemed me from the guilt of wanting to give up my life to this world, to die, to leave this world that has wrecked me. HE saved me from death's evil clutches and blessed me with four more children.
Through each season of growing I went through unbearable heartache, change, and growth ALL for HIS glory, to ultimately HE had me forgive my step-grandfather for abusing me from the time that I was four years old until I was fifteen years old. Forgiveness that set me free from bitterness, lies, nightmares, and flashbacks. Freedom in HIM was my story.
I began to share my story of freedom in HIM, convinced that was my time of suffering. Throughout the next ten years HE would lead me on a journey of forgiving, and rebuking lies from many people in my life. Each time bringing me closer to HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me that HE was indeed trustworthy. With each new step of obedience that I found myself taking with HIM, I was convinced that I was doing all that HE had intended for me.
The more I soaked in HIS word, the more I was convinced that my family and myself were protected under HIS blood, as I was Faithfully serving, following, and obeying HIM. All the way until the morning of October 13, 2014 where I stood in my office with my son, where I pledged my life to HIM, I stood arms held high, heart abandoned, ALL in.... no matter what.
Looking back to that moment, it wasn't hard for me to give HIM ALL of me, as HE had proven HIMSELF trustworthy to me. I didn't doubt HIM that HE was for me, and I couldn't wait to SEE to experience what HE was going to do in me, through me, and for me. I was honored to BE HIS living vessel, HIS messenger of light. I was so sure that I understood what HE was asking of me..... until....
I found myself drowning in agony.... in the darkest ocean of despair, feeling so incredibly and overwhelmingly hopeless, and helpless. I was shattered beyond recognition, I couldn't even breathe, my soul cried out for me, I didn't even have to try, I trembled with pain... tears of immense sorrow pooled as oceans at my feet, drowning me to the point where I couldn't even hold my head up anymore.
For months I was barely hanging on, I was drowning, dying from weariness, sorrow, pain, and the most overwhelming grief I had ever known. I was done living for HIM, I had given into the life of surviving and had given up that any relief would ever come. Until HE reached down, lifted me out of my pit of despair, brought me to the shore.... and had me rest for almost a year. Medication that would shut down my brain to keep it from thinking, from feeling, from doing anything but resting. Rest that caused me to sleep... a lot..... to cry a lot.... to stare off into nothing a lot. Rest that would keep me from living life as a Mama of six beautiful blessings. Rest that would hinder me from being able to read HIS word, to journal my feelings, and my devastating reality. Rest that would eventually lead me to feelings of "restless" a longing was crying from my soul. Longing for life to be lived, to be experienced. Longing for any semblance of who I used to be.
A longing that has led me straight to where I HE found me today. I have begun the next chapter of my journey in learning how to THRIVE in my life, through FREEDOM in CHRIST JESUS, all because JESUS DID, and HE IS. Reading Christine Caine's Unashamed is as if I were looking inside the soul of my 4, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 26 year old self. The lies that were repeatedly whispered into my soul. Today in JESUS name I rebuked those lies of shame as HE lovingly began to break open the hidden wounds of my soul, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my hidden shame.
I have spent the entire day reading only the inside cover, introduction, and first chapter. penning my thoughts, pouring my heart out as memories came flooding out, lies of shame, bondages that were made long before I could even begin to understand what I was agreeing to. Today has begun a journey of the little girl wounded being rescued by her REDEEMER. Today I have begun to take the steps to learn, as HE takes me on a journey of learning to LIVE in HIS FREEDOM which will ultimately lead me to THRIVE in this one life that I have been given.
Today I have so much healing through my tears in learning to let go, letting out all the pain, sorrow, and shame that I've buried, kept hidden for so long. I have ugly cried for my younger versions of myself as HE has lovingly broken me open to receive HIS healing grace. Today I have come alongside of my younger self as a loving Mama and loved those broken parts of me. Pieces of me have come to the surface, memories of the most defining moments of my life, that have shaped me, that have given me the vision of who I am.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
10/27/19- I wrote this last year, feeling as if though I shouldn't share it, as it was just me feeling sorry for myself, as I now know this was just the enemy keeping the shame on me, and today I'm lifting the shame off me. ~ I truly believe when we pray for a breakthrough, HE will take us through it, I've seen HIM move mountains, and I believe I WILL SEE HIM DO IT AGAIN.
Your Sister in CHRIST,
~ Heather
By the time I was four years old, all of my innocence had been stolen. The abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather began, that would carry through till I turn fifteen years old. Yesterday while sitting in my therapists office, I recalled when it all began. How I felt, what my emotions were like, and in the safety of her office, I found myself sitting in the bathroom on that dreary, rainy afternoon.
I will never forget how confused I felt, and couldn't understand his praises to me, praises that would teach me, would show me, that unless I was all the things that he wanted me to be, I was bad. Praises that led me to see myself as worthless, bad, and a disappointment until I did what I was told. Praises that set the tone for my self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of belonging for the rest of my childhood, and into my adulthood.
Lies that brought about massive self-destruction in my life, destroyed any confidence in people, and destroyed relationships with those who truly did love me, and ultimately led me straight into death's vice grip. Thankfully as you know HE stepped in and rescued me, through my two precious little girls when I was just 23 years old. I couldn't fathom leaving my little girls behind, but all I knew was I needed help, and clung desperately to the hope that I would find someone to help me.
Two short years later, through a devastating miscarriage of my third child, HE radically changed my life, and on my 25th birthday I gave my life to JESUS. A decision that I have yet to regret. A decision that has redeemed me from the guilt of wanting to give up my life to this world, to die, to leave this world that has wrecked me. HE saved me from death's evil clutches and blessed me with four more children.
Through each season of growing I went through unbearable heartache, change, and growth ALL for HIS glory, to ultimately HE had me forgive my step-grandfather for abusing me from the time that I was four years old until I was fifteen years old. Forgiveness that set me free from bitterness, lies, nightmares, and flashbacks. Freedom in HIM was my story.
I began to share my story of freedom in HIM, convinced that was my time of suffering. Throughout the next ten years HE would lead me on a journey of forgiving, and rebuking lies from many people in my life. Each time bringing me closer to HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me that HE was indeed trustworthy. With each new step of obedience that I found myself taking with HIM, I was convinced that I was doing all that HE had intended for me.
The more I soaked in HIS word, the more I was convinced that my family and myself were protected under HIS blood, as I was Faithfully serving, following, and obeying HIM. All the way until the morning of October 13, 2014 where I stood in my office with my son, where I pledged my life to HIM, I stood arms held high, heart abandoned, ALL in.... no matter what.
Looking back to that moment, it wasn't hard for me to give HIM ALL of me, as HE had proven HIMSELF trustworthy to me. I didn't doubt HIM that HE was for me, and I couldn't wait to SEE to experience what HE was going to do in me, through me, and for me. I was honored to BE HIS living vessel, HIS messenger of light. I was so sure that I understood what HE was asking of me..... until....
I found myself drowning in agony.... in the darkest ocean of despair, feeling so incredibly and overwhelmingly hopeless, and helpless. I was shattered beyond recognition, I couldn't even breathe, my soul cried out for me, I didn't even have to try, I trembled with pain... tears of immense sorrow pooled as oceans at my feet, drowning me to the point where I couldn't even hold my head up anymore.
For months I was barely hanging on, I was drowning, dying from weariness, sorrow, pain, and the most overwhelming grief I had ever known. I was done living for HIM, I had given into the life of surviving and had given up that any relief would ever come. Until HE reached down, lifted me out of my pit of despair, brought me to the shore.... and had me rest for almost a year. Medication that would shut down my brain to keep it from thinking, from feeling, from doing anything but resting. Rest that caused me to sleep... a lot..... to cry a lot.... to stare off into nothing a lot. Rest that would keep me from living life as a Mama of six beautiful blessings. Rest that would hinder me from being able to read HIS word, to journal my feelings, and my devastating reality. Rest that would eventually lead me to feelings of "restless" a longing was crying from my soul. Longing for life to be lived, to be experienced. Longing for any semblance of who I used to be.
A longing that has led me straight to where I HE found me today. I have begun the next chapter of my journey in learning how to THRIVE in my life, through FREEDOM in CHRIST JESUS, all because JESUS DID, and HE IS. Reading Christine Caine's Unashamed is as if I were looking inside the soul of my 4, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 26 year old self. The lies that were repeatedly whispered into my soul. Today in JESUS name I rebuked those lies of shame as HE lovingly began to break open the hidden wounds of my soul, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my hidden shame.
I have spent the entire day reading only the inside cover, introduction, and first chapter. penning my thoughts, pouring my heart out as memories came flooding out, lies of shame, bondages that were made long before I could even begin to understand what I was agreeing to. Today has begun a journey of the little girl wounded being rescued by her REDEEMER. Today I have begun to take the steps to learn, as HE takes me on a journey of learning to LIVE in HIS FREEDOM which will ultimately lead me to THRIVE in this one life that I have been given.
Today I have so much healing through my tears in learning to let go, letting out all the pain, sorrow, and shame that I've buried, kept hidden for so long. I have ugly cried for my younger versions of myself as HE has lovingly broken me open to receive HIS healing grace. Today I have come alongside of my younger self as a loving Mama and loved those broken parts of me. Pieces of me have come to the surface, memories of the most defining moments of my life, that have shaped me, that have given me the vision of who I am.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
10/27/19- I wrote this last year, feeling as if though I shouldn't share it, as it was just me feeling sorry for myself, as I now know this was just the enemy keeping the shame on me, and today I'm lifting the shame off me. ~ I truly believe when we pray for a breakthrough, HE will take us through it, I've seen HIM move mountains, and I believe I WILL SEE HIM DO IT AGAIN.
Your Sister in CHRIST,
~ Heather
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