One of the hardest parts of going through child loss and learning to live life in the aftermath is how hard everything is. Being five years in, I'm not struggling to breathe anymore, or worrying if I'll ever smile again, or whether or not I'll ever stop crying. My struggles are dealing with the mundane while living with such deeply immense emotions about well basically everything. Its as though what used to hurt me a little, rips away the scars that I have from losing my son. What used to not really offend me can easily throw me off the deep end of my emotions. When that happens, it takes everything within to just keep holding on... waiting for the moment to pass.
Last night after pouring my heart out into my writing my heart was aching. I was missing Seth something fierce, and to be honest I was angry in the missing. I was angry that no one understands what it's like to miss your child who lives in heaven, well that is unless your a parent whose child lives in heaven... and in that case, my heart bleeds for yours as this pain is the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to go through, and I wouldn't wish this type of pain on even my worst enemy.
So much I hate that this pain that I live with daily is now a part of me, and I've learned to adapt to it... well for the most part that is. However, there are times where the pain from the grief comes rushing at me in the form of agony, as I cry so much I feel myself splitting in half. Crying to the point where I am sure that my chest will cave in at any moment. Those moments I dread, I avoid... I hide from, and pray that they become less and less a part of my story. Those moments crush me and lead me into the ocean of sadness, sorrow, and pain. Those moments are where I am most vulnerable, and where my enemy preys on my weakness, and if I am not diligent, will take over my thoughts and lead me into the a sea of hopelessness.
Last night this is exactly what happened, and as I was driving to work this morning I began to walk through the truth of it all with HIM. HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has led me to understanding, in being able to SHINE HIS LIGHT on the brokenness that I experience when the waves of agony strike. HE has shown me what the enemy of my soul does in those moments where I can't think, or see beyond the loss... the missing, the desperation to just hold my son even for a moment longer. HE has met me in my brokenness, sat in my grief with me, and cried tears of agony with me as I try in all of my capabilities to understand how... or why. HE has assured me that HE is with me in all of it, leading me through the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the words, and the tears. All for HIS purpose, for me to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to SHINE HIS LIGHT on child loss that even in that HE is still good, and when I choose to TRUST HIM HE WILL lead me to new life, full of new beginnings. HE has also drenched me with HIS grace that sometimes it's not about me being strong in the grief, rather just breathing, and waiting for the moment to pass.
So much since this horrendous journey began I've wanted to be done. I've wanted my time of suffering to end. Even more so for my children's suffering to end. As a little more of me dies having to watch each of my children mourn their brother. How whenever we are together for family celebrations, vacations, and moments its still so painfully obvious that one of us is missing. They know how much their Mama cries for their little brother and don't know what to say, how to pray, or how to help, so they just sit beside me... waiting... for the moment to pass.
D and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on the 17th of this month. 21 years of saying yes, that no matter what, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, we would love each other. Through good times and bad, sickness and health, no matter how hard things would get we would still choose each other. Both D and I wear new wedding rings as life has taken a toll on each of our health, and our original rings no longer fit. My rings that I now wear mean more to me than the original rings, as it's been in the trenches, and surviving the aftermath of life's tough blows that we've decided, we've chosen to keep choosing each other. It has been through navigating through child loss, the hardest thing parents will ever face in their marriage, that we have learned what our marriage vows really mean. Through our promises to HIM and to each other that we will get through it, no matter what. Yet at times, both of us coming undone, unsure how we can possibly survive another blow. It's in those moments where we press in, deep into our FAITH, remember HIS promises, HIS FAITHFULNESS, breathe... all while waiting for the moment to pass.
So much I wish things were different. I wish that Seth could be here, that pain and sorrow wouldn't be known to us. However, I am grateful that we don't have to go through it alone. I am thankful to know, to live, to experience that HE is indeed close to the broken hearted. I am grateful that HE is making a way each new day that we are given, and we have the unique ability to sit with those who mourn, and mourn with them. I am thankful that I have been given the gift to speak about child loss, and what walking with JESUS looks like all the while struggling to TRUST that HE does have my best interest at heart. I am thankful that I have been created SET APART to be transparent in my FAITH, in sharing my struggles as well as my triumphs.
So much Dear One's my prayer for you today is that if today finds you drenched in sorrow, that you will breathe and know HE is with you. I pray for courage for you to stand, to walk the narrow path no matter how hard it may be. I pray for you to be drenched in HIS grace that if you need to sit down to be able to breathe, you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that it's okay to not be okay, and sometimes the only way through the hard parts of life is to just rest... and wait for the moment to pass. My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, today I pray for you to press deep into your faith, proclaiming HIS PROMISES for your life, and that you will come to know HIM as I have, and that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING.
With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
Last night after pouring my heart out into my writing my heart was aching. I was missing Seth something fierce, and to be honest I was angry in the missing. I was angry that no one understands what it's like to miss your child who lives in heaven, well that is unless your a parent whose child lives in heaven... and in that case, my heart bleeds for yours as this pain is the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to go through, and I wouldn't wish this type of pain on even my worst enemy.
So much I hate that this pain that I live with daily is now a part of me, and I've learned to adapt to it... well for the most part that is. However, there are times where the pain from the grief comes rushing at me in the form of agony, as I cry so much I feel myself splitting in half. Crying to the point where I am sure that my chest will cave in at any moment. Those moments I dread, I avoid... I hide from, and pray that they become less and less a part of my story. Those moments crush me and lead me into the ocean of sadness, sorrow, and pain. Those moments are where I am most vulnerable, and where my enemy preys on my weakness, and if I am not diligent, will take over my thoughts and lead me into the a sea of hopelessness.
Last night this is exactly what happened, and as I was driving to work this morning I began to walk through the truth of it all with HIM. HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has led me to understanding, in being able to SHINE HIS LIGHT on the brokenness that I experience when the waves of agony strike. HE has shown me what the enemy of my soul does in those moments where I can't think, or see beyond the loss... the missing, the desperation to just hold my son even for a moment longer. HE has met me in my brokenness, sat in my grief with me, and cried tears of agony with me as I try in all of my capabilities to understand how... or why. HE has assured me that HE is with me in all of it, leading me through the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the words, and the tears. All for HIS purpose, for me to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to SHINE HIS LIGHT on child loss that even in that HE is still good, and when I choose to TRUST HIM HE WILL lead me to new life, full of new beginnings. HE has also drenched me with HIS grace that sometimes it's not about me being strong in the grief, rather just breathing, and waiting for the moment to pass.
So much since this horrendous journey began I've wanted to be done. I've wanted my time of suffering to end. Even more so for my children's suffering to end. As a little more of me dies having to watch each of my children mourn their brother. How whenever we are together for family celebrations, vacations, and moments its still so painfully obvious that one of us is missing. They know how much their Mama cries for their little brother and don't know what to say, how to pray, or how to help, so they just sit beside me... waiting... for the moment to pass.
D and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on the 17th of this month. 21 years of saying yes, that no matter what, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, we would love each other. Through good times and bad, sickness and health, no matter how hard things would get we would still choose each other. Both D and I wear new wedding rings as life has taken a toll on each of our health, and our original rings no longer fit. My rings that I now wear mean more to me than the original rings, as it's been in the trenches, and surviving the aftermath of life's tough blows that we've decided, we've chosen to keep choosing each other. It has been through navigating through child loss, the hardest thing parents will ever face in their marriage, that we have learned what our marriage vows really mean. Through our promises to HIM and to each other that we will get through it, no matter what. Yet at times, both of us coming undone, unsure how we can possibly survive another blow. It's in those moments where we press in, deep into our FAITH, remember HIS promises, HIS FAITHFULNESS, breathe... all while waiting for the moment to pass.
So much I wish things were different. I wish that Seth could be here, that pain and sorrow wouldn't be known to us. However, I am grateful that we don't have to go through it alone. I am thankful to know, to live, to experience that HE is indeed close to the broken hearted. I am grateful that HE is making a way each new day that we are given, and we have the unique ability to sit with those who mourn, and mourn with them. I am thankful that I have been given the gift to speak about child loss, and what walking with JESUS looks like all the while struggling to TRUST that HE does have my best interest at heart. I am thankful that I have been created SET APART to be transparent in my FAITH, in sharing my struggles as well as my triumphs.
So much Dear One's my prayer for you today is that if today finds you drenched in sorrow, that you will breathe and know HE is with you. I pray for courage for you to stand, to walk the narrow path no matter how hard it may be. I pray for you to be drenched in HIS grace that if you need to sit down to be able to breathe, you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that it's okay to not be okay, and sometimes the only way through the hard parts of life is to just rest... and wait for the moment to pass. My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, today I pray for you to press deep into your faith, proclaiming HIS PROMISES for your life, and that you will come to know HIM as I have, and that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING.
With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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