waiting for the moment to pass....

One of the hardest parts of going through child loss and learning to live life in the aftermath is how hard everything is.  Being five years in, I'm not struggling to breathe anymore, or worrying if I'll ever smile again, or whether or not I'll ever stop crying.  My struggles are dealing with the mundane while living with such deeply immense emotions about well basically everything.  Its as though what used to hurt me a little, rips away the scars that I have from losing my son.  What used to not really offend me can easily throw me off the deep end of my emotions. When that happens, it takes everything within to just keep holding on... waiting for the moment to pass.

Last night after pouring my heart out into my writing my heart was aching.  I was missing Seth something fierce, and to be honest I was angry in the missing.  I was angry that no one understands what it's like to miss your child who lives in heaven, well that is unless your a parent whose child lives in heaven... and in that case, my heart bleeds for yours as this pain is the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever had to go through, and I wouldn't wish this type of pain on even my worst enemy.

So much I hate that this pain that I live with daily is now a part of me, and I've learned to adapt to it... well for the most part that is.  However, there are times where the pain from the grief comes rushing at me in the form of agony, as I cry so much I feel myself splitting in half.  Crying to the point where I am sure that my chest will cave in at any moment.  Those moments I dread, I avoid... I hide from, and pray that they become less and less a part of my story.  Those moments crush me and lead me into the ocean of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  Those moments are where I am most vulnerable, and where my enemy preys on my weakness, and if I am not diligent, will take over my thoughts and lead me into the a sea of hopelessness.

Last night this is exactly what happened, and as I was driving to work this morning I began to walk through the truth of it all with HIM.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has led me to understanding, in being able to SHINE HIS LIGHT on the brokenness that I experience when the waves of agony strike.  HE has shown me what the enemy of my soul does in those moments where I can't think, or see beyond the loss... the missing, the desperation to just hold my son even for a moment longer.  HE has met me in my brokenness, sat in my grief with me, and cried tears of agony with me as I try in all of my capabilities to understand how... or why.  HE has assured me that HE is with me in all of it, leading me through the sorrow, the pain, the loss, the words, and the tears.  All for HIS purpose, for me to BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to SHINE HIS LIGHT on child loss that even in that HE is still good, and when I choose to TRUST HIM HE WILL lead me to new life, full of new beginnings.  HE has also drenched me with HIS grace that sometimes it's not about me being strong in the grief, rather just breathing, and waiting for the moment to pass.

So much since this horrendous journey began I've wanted to be done.  I've wanted my time of suffering to end.  Even more so for my children's suffering to end.  As a little more of me dies having to watch each of my children mourn their brother.  How whenever we are together for family celebrations, vacations, and moments its still so painfully obvious that one of us is missing.  They know how much their Mama cries for their little brother and don't know what to say, how to pray, or how to help, so they just sit beside me... waiting... for the moment to pass.

D and I celebrated 21 years of marriage on the 17th of this month.  21 years of saying yes, that no matter what, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, we would love each other.  Through good times and bad, sickness and health, no matter how hard things would get we would still choose each other.  Both D and I wear new wedding rings as life has taken a toll on each of our health, and our original rings no longer fit.  My rings that I now wear mean more to me than the original rings, as it's been in the trenches, and surviving the aftermath of life's tough blows that we've decided, we've chosen to keep choosing each other.  It has been through navigating through child loss, the hardest thing parents will ever face in their marriage, that we have learned what our marriage vows really mean.  Through our promises to HIM and to each other that we will get through it, no matter what.  Yet at times, both of us coming undone, unsure how we can possibly survive another blow.  It's in those moments where we press in, deep into our FAITH, remember HIS promises, HIS FAITHFULNESS, breathe... all while waiting for the moment to pass.

So much I wish things were different.  I wish that Seth could be here, that pain and sorrow wouldn't be known to us.  However, I am grateful that we don't have to go through it alone.  I am thankful to know, to live, to experience that HE is indeed close to the broken hearted.  I am grateful that HE is making a way each new day that we are given, and we have the unique ability to sit with those who mourn, and mourn with them.  I am thankful that I have been given the gift to speak about child loss, and what walking with JESUS looks like all the while struggling to TRUST that HE does have my best interest at heart.  I am thankful that I have been created SET APART to be transparent in my FAITH, in sharing my struggles as well as my triumphs.

So much Dear One's my prayer for you today is that if today finds you drenched in sorrow, that you will breathe and know HE is with you.  I pray for courage for you to stand, to walk the narrow path no matter how hard it may be.  I pray for you to be drenched in HIS grace that if you need to sit down to be able to breathe, you will be filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that it's okay to not be okay, and sometimes the only way through the hard parts of life is to just rest... and wait for the moment to pass.  My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, today I pray for you to press deep into your faith, proclaiming HIS PROMISES for your life, and that you will come to know HIM as I have, and that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS in the LAND OF THE LIVING.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather



  

healing through tears....

So many tears have been shed today as I have sought HIM to be broken open so that HE would be able to SHINE HIS light on my shame that has been buried in the darkest parts of my soul.  Shame that was first placed on me at an age where I couldn't even possibly express myself.  My earliest recollection of abuse is from when I was 2.5 years old.  Abuse that lasted until I was four years old, only to leave one abusive home, and be led straight into hell on earth.

By the time I was four years old, all of my innocence had been stolen.  The abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather began, that would carry through till I turn fifteen years old.  Yesterday while sitting in my therapists office, I recalled when it all began.  How I felt, what my emotions were like, and in the safety of her office, I found myself sitting in the bathroom on that dreary, rainy afternoon.  

I will never forget how confused I felt, and couldn't understand his praises to me, praises that would teach me, would show me, that unless I was all the things that he wanted me to be, I was bad.  Praises that led me to see myself as worthless, bad, and a disappointment until I did what I was told.  Praises that set the tone for my self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of belonging for the rest of my childhood, and into my adulthood.

Lies that brought about massive self-destruction in my life, destroyed any confidence in people, and  destroyed relationships with those who truly did love me, and ultimately led me straight into death's vice grip.  Thankfully as you know HE stepped in and rescued me, through my two precious little girls when I was just 23 years old.  I couldn't fathom leaving my little girls behind, but all I knew was I needed help, and clung desperately to the hope that I would find someone to help me.

Two short years later, through a devastating miscarriage of my third child, HE radically changed my life, and on my 25th birthday I gave my life to JESUS.  A decision that I have yet to regret.  A decision that has redeemed me from the guilt of wanting to give up my life to this world, to die, to leave this world that has wrecked me.  HE saved me from death's evil clutches and blessed me with four more children.  

Through each season of growing I went through unbearable heartache, change, and growth ALL for HIS glory, to ultimately HE had me forgive my step-grandfather for abusing me from the time that I was four years old until I was fifteen years old.  Forgiveness that set me free from bitterness, lies, nightmares, and flashbacks.  Freedom in HIM was my story.  

I began to share my story of freedom in HIM, convinced that was my time of suffering.  Throughout the next ten years HE would lead me on a journey of forgiving, and rebuking lies from many people in my life.  Each time bringing me closer to HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me that HE was indeed trustworthy.  With each new step of obedience that I found myself taking with HIM, I was convinced that I was doing all that HE had intended for me.  

The more I soaked in HIS word, the more I was convinced that my family and myself were protected under HIS blood, as I was Faithfully serving, following, and obeying HIM.  All the way until the morning of October 13, 2014 where I stood in my office with my son, where I pledged my life to HIM, I stood arms held high, heart abandoned, ALL in.... no matter what.

Looking back to that moment, it wasn't hard for me to give HIM ALL of me, as HE had proven HIMSELF trustworthy to me.  I didn't doubt HIM that HE was for me, and I couldn't wait to SEE to experience what HE was going to do in me, through me, and for me.  I was honored to BE HIS living vessel, HIS messenger of light.  I was so sure that I understood what HE was asking of me..... until....

I found myself drowning in agony.... in the darkest ocean of despair, feeling so incredibly and overwhelmingly hopeless, and helpless.  I was shattered beyond recognition, I couldn't even breathe, my soul cried out for me, I didn't even have to try, I trembled with pain... tears of immense sorrow pooled as oceans at my feet, drowning me to the point where I couldn't even hold my head up anymore.  

For months I was barely hanging on, I was drowning, dying from weariness, sorrow, pain, and the most overwhelming grief I had ever known.  I was done living for HIM, I had given into the life of surviving and had given up that any relief would ever come.  Until HE reached down, lifted me out of my pit of despair, brought me to the shore.... and had me rest for almost a year.   Medication that would shut down my brain to keep it from thinking, from feeling, from doing anything but resting.  Rest that caused me to sleep... a lot..... to cry a lot.... to stare off into nothing a lot.  Rest that would keep me from living life as a Mama of six beautiful blessings.  Rest that would hinder me from being able to read HIS word, to journal my feelings, and my devastating reality.  Rest that would eventually lead me to feelings of "restless"  a longing was crying from my soul.  Longing for life to be lived, to be experienced.  Longing for any semblance of who I used to be.

A longing that has led me straight to where I HE found me today.  I have begun the next chapter of my journey in learning how to THRIVE in my life, through FREEDOM in CHRIST JESUS, all because JESUS DID, and HE IS.  Reading Christine Caine's Unashamed is as if I were looking inside the soul of my 4, 9, 11, 14, 15, and 26 year old self.  The lies that were repeatedly whispered into my soul.  Today in JESUS name I rebuked those lies of shame as HE lovingly began to break open the hidden wounds of my soul, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my hidden shame.  

I have spent the entire day reading only the inside cover, introduction, and first chapter.  penning my thoughts, pouring my heart out as memories came flooding out, lies of shame, bondages that were made long before I could even begin to understand what I was agreeing to.  Today has begun a journey of the little girl wounded being rescued by her REDEEMER.  Today I have begun to take the steps to learn, as HE takes me on a journey of learning to LIVE in HIS FREEDOM which will ultimately lead me to THRIVE in this one life that I have been given.

Today I have so much healing through my tears in learning to let go, letting out all the pain, sorrow, and shame that I've buried, kept hidden for so long.  I have ugly cried for my younger versions of myself as HE has lovingly broken me open to receive HIS healing grace.  Today I have come alongside of my younger self as a loving Mama and loved those broken parts of me.  Pieces of me have come to the surface, memories of the most defining moments of my life, that have shaped me, that have given me the vision of who I am.  

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

10/27/19- I wrote this last year, feeling as if though I shouldn't share it, as it was just me feeling sorry for myself, as I now know this was just the enemy keeping the shame on me, and today I'm lifting the shame off me. ~ I truly believe when we pray for a breakthrough, HE will take us through it, I've seen HIM move mountains, and I believe I WILL SEE HIM DO IT AGAIN.

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather

Back to Where it All Began....

So much has happened in the last 1.5 years.  September 2018 I started working full-time for the first time in 15 years as a stay at home mom.  Unsure if I was taking the right steps, HE began to lead me through my first year working full time.  Steps towards healing that revealed a huge source of deep pain for me.  In the same time my second oldest moved out of our home.  Another step in forced change.  Forced to accept, and embrace, and left me feeling as though my broken heart was exposed once again.  I struggle to even write what this past year has been like, as I'm not in a good place right now.  To be brutally honest, I am hating life right now.  I'm hating how difficult it's all become, and though I can still SEE that HE is good, and how far I've come, I am crushed by my reality.  My crushing reality that my now almost four year old doesn't ever want Mama, and only wants her siblings, and her daddy.  I am crushed that I had to fight so hard to come back as Mama, and now that I have I don't feel like there is a place for me within our family.   I'm struggling at being Mama. I'm struggling at being content.  I'm struggling to even just be.

This past week we went back to TN for a family vacation.  I had been praying for family resolution, and for relationships to be restored.  I was praying for a breakthrough as Mama, for my purpose to be revealed.  For my soul to be set on fire once again, to be filled with passion to share HIS word, and was found sitting on the edge of a mountain, drenched in tears as I was anything but content, or on fire, or feeling any sort of purpose at all.  My heart was aching for my son, as it's now been five years, too many to still be crying according to this world.  Five years of missing a part of me, five years that I've struggled to survive.

This past year has been a massive struggle to TRUST to know... to believe... to press into my faith.  In February D and I drove with our crew to GA to say goodbye to my dad as he wasn't doing well.  A month later he went into Hospice care.  April came and was almost over, and our youngest became extremely ill, and had to be rushed to a Children's Hospital in severe respiratory distress.  All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as the doctors and nurses fought to save her.  Tears too afraid to even fall, welled up in my eyes, as words failed.... I cried out to HIM, "JESUS , JESUS, JESUS, JESUS" for over an hour.  Thankfully she was healed.... here, and I survived another test... another trial through the fire... to hold on, and press into my faith.

One week later in  May we had to say goodbye to my dad.. as another piece of my heart went to heaven.  My last words to him were, "Kiss Seth for me, hug him for me daddy."  I struggled to breathe the night the phone call came, as I knew... I cried myself to sleep, and got up and went to work the next morning.  Going to work as if nothing had changed, nothing was hard, nothing hurt, and I was fine.  When inside I was screaming from the pain, as the crushing reality set in, my Dad, like Seth... was now gone.... gone.... until my time for forever would begin.

After my Dad's celebration of life, I struggled to keep moving forward, mostly because I was hating how things were in my life.  I wanted to call my dad, and cry to him, like I had done when Seth died, and was brutally ripped from our lives.  I went back to work, and tried my best to keep positive thoughts, and push through the hard.

For months I've struggled with feeling like a failure that even though I know how much good HE has done in my life, I'm still hurting, and unable to keep moving forward believing for more in this life for myself.  So much this afternoon I was reading how to survive feeling as if there is no purpose for your life only to merely survive.  As tears streamed from my eyes, the words, "no one cares" spilled from my lips... and brought me straight into HIS waiting arms.

Grief and Loss have taught me that no one is really ever equipped to handle all of your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your agony, your doubt, your disbelief.... well no one except HIM.  So all of this leads me to here right now, me sitting at the computer I haven't sat at since Seth died.  Typing on the same keyboard that birthed this blog.  Spilling out my feelings into words, in hopes that what HE is telling me will sink deep into the darkest spaces of my heart.  Writing what life after loss is really like, and how JESUS will be enough to help you get through to the next moment.  How HIS breath in your lungs will enable you to breathe when your breath is taken away.  How praying won't just make everything better, but will open the gateway from your head to your heart to where heart work will take place.  How when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE is with us.  HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT for us to SEE... to survive, and to eventually THRIVE.    I have learned that grief and love go hand in hand, as where there was deep love, there is an even greater loss because it is love that has nowhere to go.  Loss that has to be... needs to be healed.  Loss that only when your heart is willing to admit, to feel, can be healed from the inside out.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has awakened my soul once again in leading me back to where it all began.  A day much like today, where feelings of failure, and no purpose, as if my family would be better off without me.  A day where I was desperate for a breakthrough.  Desperate for purpose, for passion, for life giving change.  The song "Reckless Love" plays in the background:

"There's no shadow YOU won't light up
Mountain YOU won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall YOU won't kick down
Lie YOU won't tear down
Coming after me

Once again HE has captured my heart, and has met me in the brokenness of child loss.  HE has caught my tears as I've cried to the end of my soul asking once again... "how could you break my heart so badly?  How all of this change, struggle, and pain really be a part of YOUR plan.  How will you mend this, make this for good, restore this, how LORD... and please LORD help me with my unbelief.  Give me the passion, the courage, the determination to keep stepping out, stepping up, and SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS WHO YOU ARE."

Dear One's,

Grief and Loss have changed me, and HIS love has healed me enough... to do what I need for this moment.  I pray that if you too are struggling through grief and loss that you will know that you are NOT alone.  I pray that you will feel yourself being wrapped in HIS mighty wings and will hear HIS voice speaking HIS promises to you that HE is indeed making a way.  Hold Fast Dear Hearts, HE'S in this with you.  HE can handle your anger, your hatred, your disbelief, your jealousy, your bitterness, all.of.it.  HE can handle, and is in it with you, and will help you.  So much my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS I pray that you will come to know HIM as the GOD of COMFORT, WHO comforts us, so that we may comfort others.  Breathe and know Dear One's that you are loved.

With so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST,

~ Heather

New blog

New life... SEE HE'S doing a new thing.... new perspective.... heavenly perspective.....

www.survivorsshore.blogspot.com

This is life as I know it.... on the survivors shore.

tremble....

As I picked up my pen this morning and began to pour my heart out to HIM, I couldn't have imagined what HE had prepared for me today to experience.  Even as I wrote LORD JESUS YOU have all my attention.  I just want to be with YOU.  Fill me with YOUR peace LORD, I need YOU always, I'm astonished in the way that HE has led me today.  I am overwhelmed by HIS endless mercies, and relentless pursuit for me to experience HIS unfailing love.

The weather here in Chicago is that of winter today.  An ice storm to be exact, and to be honest when I looked outside and saw that it was snowing once again, I was overcome by sadness.  Longing for new life, Spring, and to top it off it wasn't just snow, rather ice too.  Almost two inches of ice on our cars to be exact.   Enough ice for D to be questioning whether or not we should be driving on the roads, and that would mean missing church.

Determined not to let even the weather keep me from hearing HIS word today, I chose to RISK it all for HIM.  I knew I needed to be at church, but I didn't quite know why.  Well I can tell you now that I'm home and have just finished 30 minutes of crying, I am so thankful that I decided HE was worth the RISK.  

As I made my way to my seat, I was stopped by several people hugging me, and letting me know that they were proud of me for sharing my story on Friday night.  Humbled by what HE is doing in my life, I thanked them, and secretly just kept saying, "thank you JESUS."  Finally I reached my seat, and no sooner was I seated, my dear soul sister J came to give me a hug, and congratulate me on my bravery.  She too is on a journey of discovery her story as a part of HIS story.  After another hug the band came onto the stage and began to play the first worship song.

The second song we sang was of course "Cornerstone" and instead of tears, I was overcome by just emotion that made my knees weak, as gratefulness, and thankfulness poured out of my heart.  The next song though... took my breath away, and opened the floodgates of complete awe.  "Tremble" by Mosiac MSC leveled me.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness tremble, JESUS JESUS YOU silence fear"  I was lead back to the darkest moments of my life, and in remembering those moments the next part of the song made my tears fall like rain.  "YOUR NAME IS A LIGHT that the shadows can't deny, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME.  YOUR NAME IS ALIVE, FOREVER LIFTED HIGH, YOUR NAME CANNOT BE OVERCOME."  I was crying so hard, I could hardly hold my arms up anymore, as I couldn't reach high enough in my PRAISE and thanks to HIM for all HE has done for me.  Just to be in complete awe of all HE has done, is doing, and knowing, and expecting HIM to keep doing through me, in me, and for me, all for HIS purpose.  It's all so overwhelming.

The message at church today was the second of the series called "valleys."  Today was focusing on our posture in the valley.  How the apostle Paul shared about he celebrates in his weakness, for when he is weak that is when he is strong.  Meaning that in his own weakness, he's in the perfect posture to receive GOD'S amazing grace, and through HIS grace he is given the LORDS strength.  This for me is so very true, as I can tell you that even the simplest of tasks have become so tremendously difficult for me, as I have been so weakened in this valley that I am walking in.  

Ocean living completely obliterated all strength that I once had, and HE had to rebuild me, starting with teaching me how to breathe.  In my darkest hours, I even forgot how to breathe, as the agony I was in took my breath away, and if let up to me I wouldn't have breathed again, as holding my hand on my son's chest to see if he was breathing was enough to make me want to die.  The pain was unbearable, but HIS love was greater than the devastation, the agony that I was feeling, and in was in that moment that HE breathed into my lungs again, to help me cry out for help.  I struggled to find my voice in those first few moments, so much that my children didn't really think anything was wrong, as my breath had been stolen out of me.  HE gave me breath when the darkness surrounded me.  HIS love OVERCAME the darkness, reached into me, and gave me the will to keep living.

I was taken back to those moments this morning while singing this song.  "JESUS JESUS YOU make the darkness TREMBLE," and I was so overcome with emotion in realizing just how far HE has brought me out of the darkness.  Throughout the message I could feel HIM filling me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE knows exactly where I am, and what I am struggling with.  The fears that I have in my heart, that I'm even too afraid to admit to.  One being, asking for a vision of my son in Heaven.... for a word of what life is like for him now.  Without me even asking, or breathing a word, a desire, HE met me, and filled me with TRUE HOPE that HE is in the details of every single step I am taking. 

Today HE took me back to Seth's birthday, the day that we planned his celebration of life service, and we chose James 1:17 for the verse to celebrate Seth's life.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

In a conversation with a new sister in CHRIST JESUS S, and my dear soul sister V we were discussing Seth's headstone.  Which I am in the process of designing with V, as her sweet family have graciously offered to purchase for us.  Their family have overwhelmed us all with HIS unfailing love and support.  V was the person chosen to walk with me through this next step in healing and recovery in visiting Seth's grave.  She has a gift, HIS vision to SEE beauty in the eternal life that we can celebrate in cemeteries.  Not only that, but she has been given the ability to speak of HIS overwhelming PEACE that meets us in the quiet and stillness of visiting our loved one's grave.  Honestly at first I was totally freaked out about viewing Seth's grave, but overtime, I know that it has been through HIS amazing love that I too have been given the wisdom as to WHY Seth's grave needs a headstone.

HE knows that my greatest fear is Seth being forgotten by this world.  HE knows that it pains me to my core that Seth's name is rarely spoken, and for even the people who knew him, I fear that they too will forget him.  HE is letting me know that just as I was chosen to be Seth's Mama in this life, I've also been entrusted to let his name be made known, his story be made known in this world.  

HE knows how much the darkness of sadness that keeps me from taking steps, and HE has ensured that I will know that I am never alone, HE is always with me, and HE has aligned all of the support, love, and help that I am needed to take each of these tremendously difficult steps in healing and recovery.

Finally I was completely overwhelmed by HIS goodness and mercy as my new friend S gave me a prophetic word from her friend, (as she told her about me, my story, and my sweet Seth Daniel.)  When I received her friends word for not only me, but for Seth too, I cried as hard as I did the day that I lost him.... the type of cry that you feel the end of yourself.  You feel as though you may break in half.  The only difference today was a healing cry, a cry of relief, as HE has stepped into the darkness that has kept me locked in fear, and has made that darkness tremble.  

"Seth, one that sees me as I truly am all truth and all love has been revealed to him.  HE walks in the garden of my love and my grace where all things contain the light of his God and his King.  I say all the beauty and splendor of his God and his King for behold I make all things new and all that resides deep in his heart now belong to the Father of Lights I say. And I say he is full of all I am yes, my child all."

This all leaves me feeling, and knowing that HE truly is in all the details.  HE knew we would choose the verse of James 1:17 and HE knew the prophetic word we would receive, and HE knew what that would mean for me.  HE knew that ONLY in HIS timing, even though I "thought" I was ready before now, HE knew better for me.  HE met me right where I was today, in ALL of HIS SPLENDOR, GLORY, and GRACE, and let me know that HE was then, and still is now, "JESUS JESUS YOU MAKE THE DARKNESS TREMBLE."  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, dear ones, I pray for your hearts in this very moment that JESUS JESUS is with you always.  That the fear that has gripped your heart, HE knows, HE cares, and HE is there ready to silence all of your fears.  I pray my sweet friends that you will lean in, press in, and allow HIM to lead you in whatever valley you have found yourself in.  I pray that if you too are in the ocean of sorrow, cling to HIM dear one, HE'S got you, HE will hold you steadfast in HIS mighty hands.

Always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

past the past.....

For the past fifteen years now I've struggled in this wilderness of life.  A life that I knew would be better because I had JESUS, but a life that was so riddled with messes and darkness from my past.  Behaviors, attitudes, habits all that needed to be changed,  removed, or broken from deep within.  Transformation that began fifteen years ago when I said YES to HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  Even long before I even truly understood what I was saying YES to, HE had already begun working things out for my good. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

My first test came within six months of giving my life over to HIM, surrendering all of me or so I thought.  I will never forget where I was on that day, the restless feeling I got on that day, and how I knew that something was taking place deep within me, and even though I knew it was coming, nothing could have prepared me for what lied ahead.  

" The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

My third daughter was just four months old at the time, and my two oldest were just four and five years old.  I was a mama to three precious little girls, and in my mind I was doing everything I could to be the mama that they needed.  I will never forget that afternoon when the volcano of emotions erupted out of me, and my oldest daughter on the phone with her daddy thinking surely her mommy was dying.  To be honest in that moment I had never felt more alive, as all that I had kept hidden for so long was finally being brought out into HIS light.

" Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

A journey of little me began, as HE made sure that the right people were within my path, for me to receive the help, care, and much needed support I would be needing to overcome that first stage of my past.  For nine months I met with my therapist twice a week working through the scars of the physical, and sexual abuse that was inflicted upon me.  For nine months I relived what had happened to me, each time going further into the pain, to understand the "why" and "how" this could have happened to me.  When it was over, I was free from the physical, and sexual trauma of what had happened to me.  I was flashback, and nightmare free for the first time in my life.  I had been set free from the fear of being alone, and leaving my house.  I was free in a way that I thought would have never been possible.

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” John 19:26

Two years later I began the next phase of little me.  I was drowning in the bitterness of my past, the anger, the hurt that I couldn't move past my past.  So much that I avoided people, places, and little did I know that the bitterness was buried deep within my soul.  I remember where I was when HE spoke straight to my heart about forgiving my step-grandfather who inflicted so much of my pain.  I was angry that HE was asking me to forgive because in my mind it felt as though I was saying that what happened to me was okay.  However, HE had already healed me from the physical, and sexual trauma so I knew I could TRUST HIM.  With that I began a six year journey of forgiving each person from my past that inflicted immense pain on me.  

" Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

On the final day of forgiveness I had been battling HIM asking me to forgive my birth mother for all the pain that she put me and my brother through.  I was angry that I was always being asked to forgive people without receiving an apology from them.  However on that final day of forgiveness I felt led to write her a letter, and pour my heart out into it.  Not only that I posted on the blog about how love is forgiving.  That morning after I posted it, I told HIM I was all in no matter what.  Feeling completely elated I told D what I had done, and how I finally felt free of my past.

I can now look back on that final day and know that I was on the mountain top with HIM, fully living in HIS presence, completely oblivious as to what was about to happen next in my life.  That afternoon at 4pm I fell from the mountain top into the darkest abyss of overwhelming agony, sorrow, and unbearable pain.  Not even realizing until this past week that HE was there, and as I plunged so violently into the abyss HE caught me in HIS mighty embrace.  HIS loving message to me this past week was, "remember when I caught you, I'M with you, I'm always with you."

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

After three years of living in the ocean of deep, immense sorrow, HE gave me the strength to make it to shore, and thus began the next phase of little me.  In February I attended a women's conference at my church.  When I arrived I was drenched in tears, and I was weary.  I was weary from crying, for being stuck and not knowing what my next steps were to be.  I was angry that I was stuck, crying, and weary, but most of all I was restless.  I was restless as I knew that HE was working in me for a purpose, but I just couldn't figure out what that was to be.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.   For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

As we began to worship that night the band started to play "Cornerstone," and the floodgates opened, and I found myself sitting in the truck like I did that first night without Seth.  After the conference ended I made my way out to meet the speaker.  I was crying as I spoke, she hugged me, and then took my hands and shook them and said, "I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me. The HOLY SPIRIT is telling me this right now, and well girl, it's time to take your life back."  Immediately I was like, "YEAH, take my life back, I'm going to do just that."  Then it hit me, how do I do that?  

I went home that night knowing that HE was working in me, and something BIG was coming, and so that was enough to get me to go back to the second day of the conference.  The next speaker shared from her heart her experience in letting JESUS write "a new narrative" for your life.  I knew I needed that as I had been stuck my whole life, constantly struggling to get past my past..  I didn't know how HE would do that, but it was then that I now know that HE captured my heart once again.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

The final speaker's message was "don't get lost in your own pit of despair."  I cried the entire time as I knew this message was sent straight from heaven for me from my ABBA.  Driving home that afternoon I cried,  I didn't know what to do, or how to do it, all I knew was I needed to TRUST HIM that HE would work it all out for my good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
In taking the steps that were impressed upon me I started therapy, and on my first day there my therapist gave me what I can now say as a life giving book.  "Unashamed" by Christine Caine has brought out HIS truth for my life, in shining HIS light in the darkness of my heart of the lies of shame that have kept me shackled my entire life.  Little did I know that when I began reading the book phase 3 of little me was about to begin.

For the past two weeks I've dove into the book each morning as HE has taking me on a journey back to when.... and has led me to where I now I am.  HE has instilled in me HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE the TRUTH of WHO I am, because I am really starting to understand WHOSE I am, and what that means for me.  HIS light is shining deep into my soul, revealing to me all the lies that have been whispered into my soul for so long.

" Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

This past week I came to the point where she talks about "the gate," and like Christine Caine, I realized that I too had become paralyzed by the gate of relational shame.  The feelings of unwanted, abandoned, less than, not good enough, unworthy, worthless, unloved.... all lies breathed into my soul.  Attitudes of it will never get better, I can never move past my past, and I'll never truly be free, it's just who I am.  ALL LIES.... ALL revealed by HIS amazing grace in taking me back to when, and leading me to where I am now.  All designed for me to prepare me for one of the greatest moments of my life.

Last night onstage at my church in front of a room full of my soul-sisters for the first time I shared my story.  For the first time I shared my story in a way that didn't feel like my story, rather HIS story.  HIS amazing story that I got to live, to experience of how DEEP HIS love is for HIS child.  HIS love that leveled mountains, dove into the deepest pits, and emptied oceans to reach HIS beloved child.  HIS story of Redemption, unconditional love, amazing grace, overwhelming peace, and relentless pursuit of HIS child to know HIM, to rescue HIS child HIS ROYAL TREASURE.

In being able to share my story, HE has moved me through the gate of relational shame, and has brought me to the other side where I can truly experience and live out HIS TRUE FREEDOM all because of what JESUS did for me, and WHO HE is for me.  In sharing my story, I am finding me, the TRUE Authentic me, and I can finally say that I am moving past my past.

One final thought is going into HIS word and reading about lepers that took a chance, risked it all to go through the gate, they knew if they stayed the would surely die, and if they moved they might die..... so they risked it all, and HE was there, ready for them to receive HIS overwhelming blessings of everything they had needed.  If I have learned anything like the lepers, I have decided that HE is indeed worth the risk!  I am so thankful, and relived to be past the past.  

"Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.”

5 At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, no one was there, 6 for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” 7 So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.

8 The men who had leprosy reached the edge of the camp, entered one of the tents and ate and drank. Then they took silver, gold and clothes, and went off and hid them. They returned and entered another tent and took some things from it and hid them also.

9 Then they said to each other, “What we’re doing is not right. This is a day of good news and we are keeping it to ourselves. If we wait until daylight, punishment will overtake us. Let’s go at once and report this to the royal palace.”

10 So they went and called out to the city gatekeepers and told them, “We went into the Aramean camp and no one was there—not a sound of anyone—only tethered horses and donkeys, and the tents left just as they were.” 11 The gatekeepers shouted the news, and it was reported within the palace.

12 The king got up in the night and said to his officers, “I will tell you what the Arameans have done to us. They know we are starving; so they have left the camp to hide in the countryside, thinking, ‘They will surely come out, and then we will take them alive and get into the city.’”

13 One of his officers answered, “Have some men take five of the horses that are left in the city. Their plight will be like that of all the Israelites left here—yes, they will only be like all these Israelites who are doomed. So let us send them to find out what happened.”

14 So they selected two chariots with their horses, and the king sent them after the Aramean army. He commanded the drivers, “Go and find out what has happened.” 15 They followed them as far as the Jordan, and they found the whole road strewn with the clothing and equipment the Arameans had thrown away in their headlong flight. So the messengers returned and reported to the king. 16 Then the people went out and plundered the camp of the Arameans. So a seah of the finest flour sold for a shekel, and two seahs of barley sold for a shekel, as the Lord had said.

17 Now the king had put the officer on whose arm he leaned in charge of the gate, and the people trampled him in the gateway, and he died, just as the man of God had foretold when the king came down to his house.18 It happened as the man of God had said to the king: “About this time tomorrow, a seah of the finest flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.”

19 The officer had said to the man of God, “Look, even if the Lord should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?” The man of God had replied, “You will see it with your own eyes, but you will not eat any of it!” 20 And that is exactly what happened to him, for the people trampled him in the gateway, and he died. 2 Kings 7:3-20

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear ones how I pray for the lies of shame that have been whispered into your soul to be removed in JESUS HOLY and MIGHTY name.  I pray that you too will be given the strength to endure that pain of moving forward.  I pray that you will know that often times the pain of moving forward is so much more than the pain that was originally inflicted upon you.  I pray that when the pain is felt, I pray you will know HE is with you, and that you will choose to TRUST HIM, that you will lean into HIM, press into HIM, and choose to RISK it ALL for HIM, HE'S worth it!  I pray that today begins your journey of healing, and being able to move past your past.

Always dear ones, in so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

open up again....

I'm currently walking in a valley, living in a valley where HE is asking me to TRUST HIM again.  TRUST HIM to lead me to TRUST in HIM that is without borders, and I so desperately want to TRUST HIM with my whole heart, yet I am afraid.  I am struggling, as in my mind, I know that HE is trustworthy, but my heart has been ravaged by everything that has happened to me in my lifetime.  

Before I even got to church this morning, I was already crying, tears were pouring from my eyes, as feelings of inadequacies, and unworthy of anyone ever admitting to how they have treated me, and how badly its affected me.  Feelings of tired, and weariness, my heart being put through the wringer is not something that I want to endure anymore.  As I sank further in my seat in tears, anger, and stubbornness HE reached out to me in the form of my pastor who stood next to me and leaned into hug me.  I couldn't even look at him, as I was embarrassed as once again here I am sitting in church coming completely undone.  He squeezed my shoulders and let me know that he loves me as my pastor and my friend.

Truly he does love me, as does his wife, as they have been there for D and I throughout the past 3.5 years of struggling to cope with the loss of Seth.  They were both there on the day that we had to plan Seth's celebration of life, choosing his casket, and signing the papers for the medical examiners office to release Seth's body to the funeral home.  They were there in the first moments where D and I were able to view our precious little boys earthly body.  As the unimaginable began to sink in fully that was truly our living nightmare.  Our friends, and pastors were there for us.  

Each week that I find myself making my way to that same seat in church sitting right behind where I sat the day we said goodbye to Seth, I am struck with a desperate plea from my aching heart.  LORD please heal me, please don't let me cry, and please LORD don't let me come undone.  Week after week though I find myself falling harder into HIS grace, burying my face as the pain is still as real as it was the day my world shattered.  I struggle to TRUST HIM with my life, well I should say I struggle to TRUST HIM with new things, new aspects of my life. 

For the past week HE has been working in me and through me, bringing me back to the little in me, and has been letting me know that what I have been so restless in needing healing for, has been allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM deeper, and for me to open up again.  This concept scares the hell out of me, as the last time I opened up..... the last time I went all in.... the biggest test of my faith followed....  a test that I almost didn't pass, or even survive for that matter.  I've struggled with putting into words how much I've loved SEEING and experiencing ALL HE has done, and is doing in my life, but in the need to be transparent, I want it to be made known just how much the thought of getting through this next test.... though I know HIS glory will be made known through me, I am afraid of what the next test will be.  

I am currently walking through a valley with HIM asking me to open up again and allow HIM to SHINE HIS LIGHT on all the lies of shame that have been whispered to my soul.  I am struggling to grasp just how deeply buried those lies of shame live within me.  Shame has taken deep root in my heart, and have shaped and molded me to see myself as the world has taught me, and HE is letting me know that now is the time in my journey with HIM towards wholeness to understand that I am HIS.  HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEES me.  HE has called upon me to begin to share my story, my heart with others in a public setting.  This is scary to me, as so often I feel ill-equipped to share my story, as I am still struggling so much with TRUSTING HIM.   It's not that I don't believe HE is faithful, as HE has proven HIMSELF so many times to me.  It's not that I don't SEE HIM as merciful, because HE is, and has been through each test, trial and storm in my life.  It's not that I don't feel HIS light shining in me and through me for HIS glory, as I know it is indeed.  It's not that I don't believe that HE is doing a good work through me and in me, and will continue to do so until I'm either called home, or JESUS returns.  I know HE'S working in me and through me because HE deeply loves and cares for me.  I believe, know and TRUST that HE is my SAVIOR and HE has rescued me more times than I can count, and has REDEEMED me from the pain of my past before, and HE will do it again.   

In know all of this, the one thing remains, I can't seem to get it from my head into my heart how HE SEES me.  How HE feels about me.  I am struggling with not proclaiming my identity in HIM, and that is because of everything that has been said, and done to me repeatedly in my life.  After suffering for many years from physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse and soul changing manipulation I fall prey to the broken record that plays deep within my wounded heart.  HE has begun to call out the lies, and is letting me know that WHO I am today, is NOT who the world has taught me.  HE is wanting me to know and SEE myself as so much more.  HE let me know today that when I tell my story, HE'S wanting me to know and convey to those I am sharing my story with that there is so much more to me than being a survivor of abuse, and child loss.  HE is wanting me to share beautiful story of moving mountains to rescue HIS beloved.

HIS words, not mine, and even as I type beloved, my breath is caught in my throat.  Beloved, chosen, wanted, cherished, worthy.... all that HE wants to get from my head, and planted so deeply and firmly within my heart, so that I will be able to do the things that of which HE has called me, prepared me, created me on purpose to do, ALL for HIS glory.

Earlier this week my soul sister M shared a song by Hillsong Worship called "Touch of Heaven" I purposely avoided listening to it, as Heaven is what I long for, and when I am drowning in pain, HEAVEN is where I long to be, and the thought of opening myself up to worshiping is sure to bring on the water works.  Well this afternoon HE placed it on my heart to listen to the song, and just as I had already suspected, all it took was to get to the chorus, and I found myself come completely undone.

"All I want is to live within your love, be undone by who you are, my desire is to know you deeper.  LORD I will open up again, throw my fears into the wind, I am desperate for a touch of heaven."

"LORD, how I long to know YOU deeper, to TRUST YOU, to throw my fear into the wind, to be able to open up again.  LORD please help me to overcome my unbelief that keeps me trapped from falling into YOUR amazing grace. ~ Amen"

your faithful follower ~ 

your daughter ~ 

~ Heather 

in the valley......

My selfish human nature tells me on a daily basis that life shouldn't be this hard.  I shouldn't have to try so hard just to be merely surviving each day that I am given.  I shouldn't have to cry, to hurt, to struggle, just to live.  I shouldn't have to put much effort into what it is that I truly want in my life, and that for me is happiness.  My selfish human nature is so full of lies of this world that keep me bound up, tied up, and keep me from truly living the way HE has created me to live.

This morning HE has taken me deep into HIS word in Psalm 23 and shown me WHO HE is, what this means for my life.  HE has revealed to me that it is in the valley that HE is able to do HE greatest work within me.  HE is leading me to HIS truth of why so much valley living is a part of my life, and what it is that I rarely get to stand on the mountains, and how I usually only SEE glimpses of mountain views.  Today HE has met me in my weariness of my life's circumstances, and has given me the much needed respite I've needed to catch my breath, replenish my soul, so that I may continue to press on, press through and allow HIM to grow me through what it is that I am going through.

Yesterday my thirteen year old daughter and I met with the creative arts director at our church as she is being baptized on Easter.  It was exactly one month ago today that I prayed for HIM to show up in each of my children's lives, to capture their hearts, and overwhelm them with an amazing JESUS encounter.  Two short days later HE would do just that with my daughter B.  

This past month hearing her share whats on her heart, what her encounter was like with HIM, and what led her to choosing to follow HIM for all the days of her life.  To be a apart of her story is humbling, overwhelming, and leaves me with pure elation and JOY.  She like me has begun to keep a written record of her daily walks with HIM in her own personal blog.  I am honored to be her mentor, and even more to be her Mama.

So while we were at church, our pastor stopped by to talk with us, and shared what April's messages will be about, and that is "why do we spend more time living in the valley's then we do on the mountains?"  I left yesterday asking that question over and over again, and the first clue I got to HIS answer was in a gift that B purchased for me after we left church.

We were in Target dollar spot and I came across a rock that says, "Grow through what you go through."  At first glance I thought it was truly inspiring but honestly had no idea that HE would use that pretty rock to speak VOLUMES to my heart this morning.

Just looking back on this post, I realize that I have already begun to realize the concept before HE even brought me to the revelation of what this means for me when I find myself living in the valley.  Even after filling pages in my journal about what HE has been telling me, I'm just starting to realize what is is that HE is wanting me to understand about valley living.  

HE is telling me that it is in the valley that HE does HIS greatest work in me and through me.  It is in the valley that HE refines, renews, restores, transforms, and rebuilds all of WHO I am , because it is in the valley that I truly begin to SEE and to experience WHOSE I am.  HE is wanting me to know that when I find myself enduring valley living it is because HE has brought me there for HIS purpose, and each time I find myself there, all I have to do is SEEK HIM and HE will meet me right where I am.  HE is telling me that each time I choose to SEEK HIM and HIS will and HIS ways for my life that is when HIS light SHINES on me, in me, and through me for other's to SEE.  

HE is wanting me to understand that if I was always living with mountain views or actually living on the mountain would only cause me to forget WHO HE is, and what HE has done in my life.  I know this because the further I get away from living in sorrow, the more I forget the process that it took for HIM to grow me from living in sorrow, to living with moments of sorrow.  Daily I am finding myself praying that I NEVER forget the process, all the renewing, refining, restoring, transforming, and rebuilding that it took to bring me this far.

I am learning that in order to truly be honoring in my grief, and helping other's learn to cope with theirs, I must truly understand that it is only by allowing myself to continue to be lead through the valley of grief.  So often I become so weary, and angry that I am weary by the grief that I live with, however the more I seek HIM and HIS word, the more HE fills me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that this is all for HIS purpose, and shows me just how much HE loves me that HE has created purpose in my pain.  That losing my son isn't the end of my life.  

I am overwhelmed by HIS word this morning that teaches me that HE is my Shepherd, WHO teaches, leads, and guides me.  WHO allows me to rest, for the much needed respite from my grief.  WHO teaches and shows me daily WHO HE is in my life.  WHO is leading me, and teaching me to LIVE fiercely with FEARLESS FAITH because HE has already walked through my life before me, and has paved the way in which I am to walk.  Even through fear, sorrow, sadness, and loss HE is there, leading and showing me the way.  HE is proving to me time and again that HE is indeed the GOD of ALL comfort, WHO comforts me, so that I will be of comfort for someone else.  I know this because I have lived this, experienced this, and it is the ONLY reason that I am still living today.

Today I am finding myself so incredibly thankful and grateful for my experiences of living in the valley.  As it has modeled and shown my children that they too can survive valley living with HIM as ANYTHING and ALL things are possible with HIM, not because of anything we can do, but BECAUSE HE IS.  Today I am overwhelmed by HIS relentless pursuit of my heart for me to fully grasp WHO HE is in my life, what that means for me, and for HIS promises to be fully experienced by me that HE is WHO HE says HE is, and HE DOES what HE says HE WILL do!!!  I am so undeservedly thankful that HE has written such a beautiful story for me to live out one that is all about TRIUMPH over tragedy that leaves a legacy of Faith teaching my children, and future children that when your whole world washes out to sea, HE is the ROCK that won't move, HE is CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE and when you cling to HIM, HE WILL hold you close, HE will catch every single one of your tears, and when you are ready HE will bind up your wounds, and teach you how to LIVE again.  HE is our CHAMPION HE IS ALIVE in each of us, and when we choose to TRUST HIM with our lives, HE WILL turn our mourning into dancing.  I am so incredibly thankful to be living a life that SHINES HIS light in the valley that LIVES out HIS promises through mountain views that PROVE HIS HOPE that leads to Eternal Life.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever." Psalm 23

That legacy my friends, I pray that for each of you, 

Always with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather