I'm currently walking in a valley, living in a valley where HE is asking me to TRUST HIM again. TRUST HIM to lead me to TRUST in HIM that is without borders, and I so desperately want to TRUST HIM with my whole heart, yet I am afraid. I am struggling, as in my mind, I know that HE is trustworthy, but my heart has been ravaged by everything that has happened to me in my lifetime.
Before I even got to church this morning, I was already crying, tears were pouring from my eyes, as feelings of inadequacies, and unworthy of anyone ever admitting to how they have treated me, and how badly its affected me. Feelings of tired, and weariness, my heart being put through the wringer is not something that I want to endure anymore. As I sank further in my seat in tears, anger, and stubbornness HE reached out to me in the form of my pastor who stood next to me and leaned into hug me. I couldn't even look at him, as I was embarrassed as once again here I am sitting in church coming completely undone. He squeezed my shoulders and let me know that he loves me as my pastor and my friend.
Truly he does love me, as does his wife, as they have been there for D and I throughout the past 3.5 years of struggling to cope with the loss of Seth. They were both there on the day that we had to plan Seth's celebration of life, choosing his casket, and signing the papers for the medical examiners office to release Seth's body to the funeral home. They were there in the first moments where D and I were able to view our precious little boys earthly body. As the unimaginable began to sink in fully that was truly our living nightmare. Our friends, and pastors were there for us.
Each week that I find myself making my way to that same seat in church sitting right behind where I sat the day we said goodbye to Seth, I am struck with a desperate plea from my aching heart. LORD please heal me, please don't let me cry, and please LORD don't let me come undone. Week after week though I find myself falling harder into HIS grace, burying my face as the pain is still as real as it was the day my world shattered. I struggle to TRUST HIM with my life, well I should say I struggle to TRUST HIM with new things, new aspects of my life.
For the past week HE has been working in me and through me, bringing me back to the little in me, and has been letting me know that what I have been so restless in needing healing for, has been allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM deeper, and for me to open up again. This concept scares the hell out of me, as the last time I opened up..... the last time I went all in.... the biggest test of my faith followed.... a test that I almost didn't pass, or even survive for that matter. I've struggled with putting into words how much I've loved SEEING and experiencing ALL HE has done, and is doing in my life, but in the need to be transparent, I want it to be made known just how much the thought of getting through this next test.... though I know HIS glory will be made known through me, I am afraid of what the next test will be.
I am currently walking through a valley with HIM asking me to open up again and allow HIM to SHINE HIS LIGHT on all the lies of shame that have been whispered to my soul. I am struggling to grasp just how deeply buried those lies of shame live within me. Shame has taken deep root in my heart, and have shaped and molded me to see myself as the world has taught me, and HE is letting me know that now is the time in my journey with HIM towards wholeness to understand that I am HIS. HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEES me. HE has called upon me to begin to share my story, my heart with others in a public setting. This is scary to me, as so often I feel ill-equipped to share my story, as I am still struggling so much with TRUSTING HIM. It's not that I don't believe HE is faithful, as HE has proven HIMSELF so many times to me. It's not that I don't SEE HIM as merciful, because HE is, and has been through each test, trial and storm in my life. It's not that I don't feel HIS light shining in me and through me for HIS glory, as I know it is indeed. It's not that I don't believe that HE is doing a good work through me and in me, and will continue to do so until I'm either called home, or JESUS returns. I know HE'S working in me and through me because HE deeply loves and cares for me. I believe, know and TRUST that HE is my SAVIOR and HE has rescued me more times than I can count, and has REDEEMED me from the pain of my past before, and HE will do it again.
In know all of this, the one thing remains, I can't seem to get it from my head into my heart how HE SEES me. How HE feels about me. I am struggling with not proclaiming my identity in HIM, and that is because of everything that has been said, and done to me repeatedly in my life. After suffering for many years from physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse and soul changing manipulation I fall prey to the broken record that plays deep within my wounded heart. HE has begun to call out the lies, and is letting me know that WHO I am today, is NOT who the world has taught me. HE is wanting me to know and SEE myself as so much more. HE let me know today that when I tell my story, HE'S wanting me to know and convey to those I am sharing my story with that there is so much more to me than being a survivor of abuse, and child loss. HE is wanting me to share beautiful story of moving mountains to rescue HIS beloved.
HIS words, not mine, and even as I type beloved, my breath is caught in my throat. Beloved, chosen, wanted, cherished, worthy.... all that HE wants to get from my head, and planted so deeply and firmly within my heart, so that I will be able to do the things that of which HE has called me, prepared me, created me on purpose to do, ALL for HIS glory.
Earlier this week my soul sister M shared a song by Hillsong Worship called "Touch of Heaven" I purposely avoided listening to it, as Heaven is what I long for, and when I am drowning in pain, HEAVEN is where I long to be, and the thought of opening myself up to worshiping is sure to bring on the water works. Well this afternoon HE placed it on my heart to listen to the song, and just as I had already suspected, all it took was to get to the chorus, and I found myself come completely undone.
"All I want is to live within your love, be undone by who you are, my desire is to know you deeper. LORD I will open up again, throw my fears into the wind, I am desperate for a touch of heaven."
"LORD, how I long to know YOU deeper, to TRUST YOU, to throw my fear into the wind, to be able to open up again. LORD please help me to overcome my unbelief that keeps me trapped from falling into YOUR amazing grace. ~ Amen"
your faithful follower ~
your daughter ~
~ Heather
Before I even got to church this morning, I was already crying, tears were pouring from my eyes, as feelings of inadequacies, and unworthy of anyone ever admitting to how they have treated me, and how badly its affected me. Feelings of tired, and weariness, my heart being put through the wringer is not something that I want to endure anymore. As I sank further in my seat in tears, anger, and stubbornness HE reached out to me in the form of my pastor who stood next to me and leaned into hug me. I couldn't even look at him, as I was embarrassed as once again here I am sitting in church coming completely undone. He squeezed my shoulders and let me know that he loves me as my pastor and my friend.
Truly he does love me, as does his wife, as they have been there for D and I throughout the past 3.5 years of struggling to cope with the loss of Seth. They were both there on the day that we had to plan Seth's celebration of life, choosing his casket, and signing the papers for the medical examiners office to release Seth's body to the funeral home. They were there in the first moments where D and I were able to view our precious little boys earthly body. As the unimaginable began to sink in fully that was truly our living nightmare. Our friends, and pastors were there for us.
Each week that I find myself making my way to that same seat in church sitting right behind where I sat the day we said goodbye to Seth, I am struck with a desperate plea from my aching heart. LORD please heal me, please don't let me cry, and please LORD don't let me come undone. Week after week though I find myself falling harder into HIS grace, burying my face as the pain is still as real as it was the day my world shattered. I struggle to TRUST HIM with my life, well I should say I struggle to TRUST HIM with new things, new aspects of my life.
For the past week HE has been working in me and through me, bringing me back to the little in me, and has been letting me know that what I have been so restless in needing healing for, has been allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM deeper, and for me to open up again. This concept scares the hell out of me, as the last time I opened up..... the last time I went all in.... the biggest test of my faith followed.... a test that I almost didn't pass, or even survive for that matter. I've struggled with putting into words how much I've loved SEEING and experiencing ALL HE has done, and is doing in my life, but in the need to be transparent, I want it to be made known just how much the thought of getting through this next test.... though I know HIS glory will be made known through me, I am afraid of what the next test will be.
I am currently walking through a valley with HIM asking me to open up again and allow HIM to SHINE HIS LIGHT on all the lies of shame that have been whispered to my soul. I am struggling to grasp just how deeply buried those lies of shame live within me. Shame has taken deep root in my heart, and have shaped and molded me to see myself as the world has taught me, and HE is letting me know that now is the time in my journey with HIM towards wholeness to understand that I am HIS. HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEES me. HE has called upon me to begin to share my story, my heart with others in a public setting. This is scary to me, as so often I feel ill-equipped to share my story, as I am still struggling so much with TRUSTING HIM. It's not that I don't believe HE is faithful, as HE has proven HIMSELF so many times to me. It's not that I don't SEE HIM as merciful, because HE is, and has been through each test, trial and storm in my life. It's not that I don't feel HIS light shining in me and through me for HIS glory, as I know it is indeed. It's not that I don't believe that HE is doing a good work through me and in me, and will continue to do so until I'm either called home, or JESUS returns. I know HE'S working in me and through me because HE deeply loves and cares for me. I believe, know and TRUST that HE is my SAVIOR and HE has rescued me more times than I can count, and has REDEEMED me from the pain of my past before, and HE will do it again.
In know all of this, the one thing remains, I can't seem to get it from my head into my heart how HE SEES me. How HE feels about me. I am struggling with not proclaiming my identity in HIM, and that is because of everything that has been said, and done to me repeatedly in my life. After suffering for many years from physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse and soul changing manipulation I fall prey to the broken record that plays deep within my wounded heart. HE has begun to call out the lies, and is letting me know that WHO I am today, is NOT who the world has taught me. HE is wanting me to know and SEE myself as so much more. HE let me know today that when I tell my story, HE'S wanting me to know and convey to those I am sharing my story with that there is so much more to me than being a survivor of abuse, and child loss. HE is wanting me to share beautiful story of moving mountains to rescue HIS beloved.
HIS words, not mine, and even as I type beloved, my breath is caught in my throat. Beloved, chosen, wanted, cherished, worthy.... all that HE wants to get from my head, and planted so deeply and firmly within my heart, so that I will be able to do the things that of which HE has called me, prepared me, created me on purpose to do, ALL for HIS glory.
Earlier this week my soul sister M shared a song by Hillsong Worship called "Touch of Heaven" I purposely avoided listening to it, as Heaven is what I long for, and when I am drowning in pain, HEAVEN is where I long to be, and the thought of opening myself up to worshiping is sure to bring on the water works. Well this afternoon HE placed it on my heart to listen to the song, and just as I had already suspected, all it took was to get to the chorus, and I found myself come completely undone.
"All I want is to live within your love, be undone by who you are, my desire is to know you deeper. LORD I will open up again, throw my fears into the wind, I am desperate for a touch of heaven."
"LORD, how I long to know YOU deeper, to TRUST YOU, to throw my fear into the wind, to be able to open up again. LORD please help me to overcome my unbelief that keeps me trapped from falling into YOUR amazing grace. ~ Amen"
your faithful follower ~
your daughter ~
~ Heather
"I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine:" Song of Solomon 6:3
ReplyDeleteTo me, it's the most precious verse (and promise) in God's Word. The promise of Heaven is absolutely wondrous, but how disappointing would Heaven become without the Beloved One and His divine, pure love for each one of us??