Surrender~
How did I end up here? In this place where peace that surpasses all understanding is prevalent. Where grief and joy co-exist. Where I've finally accepted, well my heart has what my mind already knew. Seth is gone; he now lives in Heaven and has since the worst day of my life. Still when I think about that day, I realize it was Seth's best day, because it was his Homecoming, the day where our almost 2-year-old took the greatest journey with Angels and met JESUS face to face. It was the day that Seth stepped into HIS GLORY. Oh yeah and that's new too. We no longer dread the week of Seth's birthday, as it's now known as Seth's Homecoming. For the past 5 years we've been celebrating his precious little yet larger than life. We celebrate our sweet little Seth Daniel. For me as Seth's Mama my compassion and empathy for those who are heartbroken has deepened. It's been a journey for sure, one that took me into the deepest abyss of sorrow and pain. Where I was plunged into the darkness, and found the sweetest peace and mercy, where I would be rescued and revived in a cascading waterfall of HIS endless grace. It's where JESUS remained, steadfastly faithful and HIS Daily Teachings continued to flow in me, over me and through me.
Four years ago, this month I stepped into HIS calling for my life to devote my time, talent, and treasures to a ministry known as The Wellsprings of Freedom Ministry. This ministry would prove to be instrumental in helping JESUS resurrect what died in me on October 13, 2014. It's where I would receive immense healing and freedom to be HIS LIVING VESSEL to reach the brokenhearted. It's where I would be equipped with HIS ARMOR, where I would learn "who" I was fighting, how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, and to remain FREE. Daily I'm reminded to go into HIS word in Ephesians 6:10-20 and put on HIS full armor so that I will be able to withstand the evil day. It's where JESUS met me in the mess of emotions and lies, I was in from the deep unexpected loss of my son. It's where I would learn there were lies that were breathed into my soul from the time I could remember, known to me as the reoccurring "broken record" in my life. It's the lies that had followed me around since.... well forever. It's where I would learn that the enemy's greatest scheme and tactic to keep me trapped in a prison of his lies was to cultivate that same group of lies that had kept me bound and gagged for all of my life. It's where I would break FREE from being held captive in plain sight. It's where JESUS met me in the lies of betrayal abandonment, loneliness, sadness, sorrow, pain, guilt, shame, people pleasing, worthlessness, powerlessness, worry, doubt, envy, pride, anger, apathy, greed jealousy, and the list goes on. It would take four years, and four personal Freedom Sessions just for me to set younger, innocent, traumatized me FREE. In four sessions I met JESUS in a new and tangible way. I received a new name, which I now write personally to HIM every single day.
One year ago, I came to a crossroads with my health. I was suffering from the unhealthiness in my body, and as much as my mental health was improving, I was still attacked every single day with food noise, and every single day was a battle. Through much prayer, support, and encouragement from both my doctor and my husband I decided that I would accept the tools of support for weight loss. I'm now one year out and can say I'm 78lbs. down, I'm continuing to learn to how to eat for fuel. I'm learning the imperativeness in understanding consumption. Not just through food, but through what my eyes see and my ears hear. I'm learning that if it's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, then it isn't making me HOLY I'm learning that the only thing I NEED to consume is HIS DAILY BREAD, through the reading of HIS word, and praying to HIM in ALL things through ALL things.
Losing 78lb.s has been so freeing, but that isn't the most amazing part. I'm also seven months medication free. I no longer suffer from CPTSD, fibromyalgia pains, joint and muscle pain. I no longer sleep with weighted blankets. I no longer sleep in a trauma response fetal position with tight fists. I no longer sleep for two hours at a time, I sleep the entire night and wake up feeling well rested and peaceful. I have the most energy I've ever had in my life. I'm actively serving within my church, attend regularly and enjoy this life I've been given.
For the past seven months I've been flooded with tangible reminders of HIS goodness, HIS steadfast faithfulness to me that HIS promises are HOLY. That HE has remained with me; HE has caught and kept every single of my oceans of tears that I've cried because they are so very sacred to HIM. HE'S reminded me over and over again, that HE is with me always, right there in the middle of my mess. HE is making a way even when I can't SEE it. HE has taught me how to pray, how to trust, how to speak, and most importantly how to wait. TRULY I have SEEN, WITNESSED, EXPERIENCED, and LIVED HIS GOODNESSS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING Psalm 27:13-14
Surrender has brought me to the hardest heart work I've ever faced and that is a HOLY RESPONSE, learning to pray about what angers me, NOT vent what angers me. Surrendering my desire for revenge and want for JUSTICE in the way I "feel" is JUST. I'm learning to TRUST HIM in ALL things, through ALL things, that VENEGENCE is TRULY HIS and HIS alone. Surrender is a DAILY CHOICE I'm being given, never rushed, and just loved through. HE knows what hurts me and why, what has been said. HE knows what I've endured, and in my humanness, HE meets me, covers me in HIS grace, showers me in HIS mercy's sea, and LOVES me more than I could possibly imagine.
Finally, I'm learning that Salvation is a deeply personal choice given to each of us. That JESUS will never rush, only remain steadfastly faithful to remind each of us in a deeply personal way that HE is for us, HE is there for us, and has amazing plans for each of us. That the only question each of us has to answer is "will you trust JESUS, and allow HIM to be THE LORD AND SAVIOR of your life?"
ALL FOR HIS GLORY is why I write, why I've come back to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS blog.
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
