equipped

"For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.  For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline"

2 Timothy 1: 6-7

Today is October 31, 2026, and I am relieved, as I have made it through another year of grieving my son.  Not only did I make it through, rather I did it face to face with my LORD and SAVIOR (Coram Deo.)  I was able to do whatever was asked of me this past month because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me.  I made it through with tears streaming down my face, and with so much joy and heartache in my heart.

Joy because I am truly living HIS HOLY PROMISES that the JOY of the LORD is my strength, and I am TRULY confident that I WILL, and HAVE SEEN HIS Goodness here in the land of the living.  Goodness in being able to remember a time when the calendar month of October paralyzed me.  That not only was I drowning sorrow, but I had also stopped living.  I had NO hope for living, and I was clinging, hanging on by my fingertips to hope for heaven.  I remembered just crying to the end of my soul, trying so desperately to understand why this was really the plan.  I was able to recall ALL the times where I was so ready to give up, which was at least a million times.  Still, HE remained.

"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Nehemiah 8:10

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13

I saw HIS goodness this past month in being able to answer HIS calling for my life to serve according to HIS PURPOSES for my life.  I was equipped with everything that I needed to complete the tasks at hand.  HE poured HIS strength into me, and led me with HIS power and authority, giving me the TRUE CONFIDENCE that I could truly do ALL things through CHRIST WHO GIVES me the strength.  Another HOLY PROMISE made, laid on my heart, cultivated, deeply rooted that I am living proof that HE is indeed STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL and TRUSTWORTHY.

 I can do all this through him who gives me strength

Philippians 4:13

I was able to use the gifts given unto me by HIM to BE the hands and feet of JESUS.  I was given many opportunities to pray for and sit with to hold space for the brokenhearted.  I was even able to pray intercessory prayer for a bereaved Mama who too lost her son.  I was able to sit with her as she cried tears of agony and know that I recognized the pain she was in, that I may not have understood the depth of her pain, but I knew WHO did, and I lifted her to HIM.  I was able to share a portion of my child loss story in several different situations.  The latest being last night as D and I were out running errands and stopped in the grab dinner to go.

The very place we chose to go isn't exactly a go to for us, but was right where our errands were, so we decided it would be quick and we'd be home on time for our son to go to work. What we "thought" would be quick, turned into one of the most cherished moments of my life in being able to share my faith.  While we were waiting in line this sweet woman in front of us stepped aside and said, "go ahead, I'm still deciding."  Her kindness was felt and received as she smiled with her bright red lipstick.  She looked at me, and said, "oh dear are you alight?"  Normally I would have brushed off that question, but I just said, "I'm grateful this month is almost over."  Her words, "Oh Dear I'm so sorry to hear that."  

Her kindness pulled at my heart, and I felt a gentle nudge from HIS HOLY SPRIIT to offer to buy her dinner, to which she politely declined.  She was then bewildered as to why I would want to do such a thing.  Her response, "why would you offer such a thing, do you just like old people?"  In the next breath I felt a nudge from HIS HOLY SPIRIT to share with her about losing my son 12 years ago Her eyes welled up with tears, and she just listened.  She asked me how did I survive such tragedy?  I said, "JESUS sustained me."  She said, "I think HE is the only one WHO could possibly help a Mama through that."  Again, I insisted on buying her dinner, which she finally allowed us to pay for her "senior" drink.  Our interaction though brief was about to become even more.  D and I ordered our dinner to go and stood on the other side of the restaurant for pickup.  Before long she made her way over to us.  She was so intrigued by our story.  And right there, we shared about our life together.  Married 28 years, 4 girls, 2 boys, and 2 grandchildren, as she stood there her eyes were shining so brightly through her tears.  

Our food was brought out to us, and I hugged her and thanked her for allowing us to share our story with her, and for letting us buy her drink.  She thanked us for our kindness and wished us a blessed life.  We wished her the same and thanked her for blessing us with her willingness and kindness to listen.

Walking to the car, my heart was so full.  Truly I had made it through with JESUS, not just this October, but truly every single day of my life.  Whether I knew it or not.  HE has been with me ALL the days of my life.  I have been equipped with the spiritual gifts to SEE to know, to understand that HE is with me always.  

I woke up this morning with her name on my heart.  Knowing full well that what we "thought" was just grabbing a "quick" dinner would solidify even deeper what I already know.  That each and every encounter that I am being placed in is for HIS DIVINE purpose.  The only thing I need to do is to understand the importance of me living out HIS CALLING for my life.  What I NEED to do so that I will BE able to use my gifts according to HIS PURPOSES for my life is to meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  To repent, surrender, pray and wait.  To TRUST that HE will teach, lead, and guide me.  That through HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE I will BE equipped with courage, love, peace, self-control, and calm to face each and every circumstance that is happening in my life.  

Today I am looking back on the tests, trials, and storms of my life where HE has taken me back and shown me was, HE was then and still is now.  I am thankful to SEE that HE is indeed doing a new thing in my life and it's WILD.  More than I could have possibly prayed for or even imagined.  I am grateful to have made it through this devastatingly good year, and month I am so thankful to have JOY restored in my life.  I am thankful that I am able to mourn with those who mourn, without it being about my own pain.  I am thankful to BE HIS hands and feet.  I am thankful to BE able to share, to write, to speak about HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  Because TRULY I have tasted and SEEN that the LORD is indeed good, and I have definitely SEEN HIS goodness here in the land of the living.

Precious Dear Ones,

Today is unlike any other, it's a new day, one that I have yet to live, that you have yet to live.  May today be the day where you repent, surrender, pray and wait for the LORD to reveal to you what you've already been equipped to do.  May today be the beginning of rest of your life., May you feel the comfort of HIS tender and peaceful presence.  May you come to know HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR, and may you begin to SEE HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with the deepest empathy, love, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

prayer is essential

I have now lived almost 11 months medication free.  Free to freely feel all of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  What I've come to realize is that I am so very brokenhearted for so many different reasons in my life.  That what I thought was the only way I was truly brokenhearted, has been revealed to me through prayer that I am actually so brokenhearted for more than I could possibly speak about, or quite honestly that I was brave enough to face.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has been a culmination of the past few days, where I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still as I have learned to just let my tears fall.  Tears that for so long I have fought so hard NOT to release, but because I have surrendered to suffering with JESUS, HE is leading me to a place where I feel safe to acknowledge all that has broken my heart.

Yesterday was a day of tears, where I didn't understand as to why I was crying, well that is until I heard HIM say, "Your heart is so broken for so many reasons, and it's okay, I'M here, I know, I SEE you, I love you.  You're NEVER alone, I'M always here with you."  This happened during my daily walk around my neighborhood as I try to walk 1 to 2 miles every day to care for my physical health.  I struggle to work out, but walking is something I've come to enjoy as I listen to worship music, and it's the newest place where I've learned to draw near to HIM and let my tears fall.

On these daily walks with JESUS, I pour my heart out to HIM.  It's where I pray for guidance, I pray for clarity, I pray for peace, and I pray for even more strength.  For my longing for heaven can be so intense at times., Especially when my broken heart is dictating my every waking move.  This I am learning as HE is showing me why I must know, understand, and TRUST the imperativeness that prayer is essential.  

I am learning that it has been through the intentionality that I have met with HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE that I have learned HIS voice, so that I would know what thoughts are mine, HIS, or my enemies.  I am being given a daily opportunity to increase my communication with JESUS through the power of prayer, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  It has been through daily surrender of the things I don't know or understand, that HE is teaching me the next level of why prayer is essential for me to continue this journey with JESUS.

Truly HE has NEVER left me in the valley.  HE has NEVER left me in a pit of despair.  HIS HOLY SPRIRIT interceded on my behalf through wordless groans.  HE NEVER left my side, even when I felt so very alone.  Even when the pain and agony hid my joy from me, HE held onto it for me.  For HIS perfect timing to gift it back to me.

I still remember one morning where my tears had been my food, as I felt as though I couldn't; remember Seth anymore.  It had been four years since I last held him, and I was devastated that I couldn't remember his voice, his little hands, or our life together.  I was being tormented by my enemy that I only dreamt of Seth, he was never really here, when really, it was to pile on the guilt as what kind of Mama can't remember her baby? I remember being desperate in prayer to "please help me to remember Seth, JESUS."  Crying to the end of my soul, I heard HIM speak to my broken heart, "I'M holding your memories for you until you're ready to SEE them."

HE knew, just how much it hurt me to remember.  HE knew how hard I was fighting to remain living.  HE knew and remained steadfastly faithful with me, and for me.  HE held me close, as I cried out over and over to HIM, "I hurt JESUS, I don't know how not to hurt anymore."  HIS response, "I know, I'M here, I'M with you, I'M NOT leaving you."  Those are the most precious, tender moments of raw ugly grief that I have.  Times where I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe., where I wanted to end it all.  Where I fought so hard to NOT give up, or give in.  HE knew, HE heard my cries for help, and now looking back I am understanding and TRUSTING even more that prayer is essential and vital for my relationship with JESUS.

Truly HE has taken so much time, gently cultivating a deepened TRUST within me for HIM.  Truly HE is indeed so very close to the brokenhearted, and for this very reason, I know that HE is letting me experience my broken heart without the shielding from shock or medication to feel all that hurts me.  Not to punish or torment me, but rather to show me how to cry out to HIM, to draw near to HIM, and TRUST that HE will draw nearer to me.  This I know is to solidify my TRUST in HIM for HIM that indeed prayer is essential.  

Looking back on the days where I was in the darkest, deepest depths of despair, HE gave me one more breath to pray for even more air to breathe.  When my tears were all, I knew, HE flooded me with HIS perfect peace, that allowed my tears to lessen.  When my mind couldn't fathom how or what to do next, HIS grace was sufficient enough for me to pray even more.  Truly I have learned that there is indeed NO condemnation for those WHO are in CHRIST JESUS - -Romans 8:1 So much I have learned because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM, to understand HIS word, to show me how to apply HIS word to my life, and to deepen my TRUST in HIM, for HIM, that I may not know how, or SEE how, but with HIM, I can and will do the seemingly impossible.

So this is me, reminding myself once again of HIS GOODNESS that even though I am still so very brokenhearted, for more reasons that I am able to write about, one day, that too HE will Redeem, and Oh what a glorious day that will be.  Until then, I'll keep TRUSTING HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, and I'll keep praying, waiting, being still, going where and when called.  I will keep writing, speaking and sharing. I will hold tight to HIS TRUTH that prayer is essential.

Precious Dear Ones,

Even though no one else may know, HE does.  HE knows and HE is there with you, to help you, hold you, and HIS plan is to heal you.  HE delights in you and loves to hear your voice cry out to HIM.  HE is there ready to draw you nearer to HIM.  HE wants to teach, lead, and guide you to know, to understand, to TRUST HIM that prayer is essential.  Dear Ones, if you don't know how to pray, well HE has a plan for that too, as it's written in HIS WORD, modeled to you, by JESUS. Matthew 6:9-13.  May today be the beginning of a new life for you to draw near to HIM and feel HIM draw nearer to you.  James 4:8

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with the deepest compassion, understanding, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

break

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,"

Ephesians 1:7-8

This morning the heaviness in my chest was back.  I could feel that HE had something for me to know, to learn, to understand, and to choose to TRUST.  I knew it was something pertaining to my deep overwhelming sadness I am experiencing due to the fact that I feel so incredibly helpless for so many different reasons.  Reasons beyond my control.  Reasons that cause me to cry endlessly, not hopelessly, but helplessly.  Tears that have become my food once again.  Tears that I have stuffed deep inside of me under layers of self-protection.  And then with just a song, HE speaks straight to my heart, "Dear Heart something has to break."  With that the tension built up in my chest releases, and I sigh and the tears stream out of my eyes.

I feel it in this room
Holy Spirit move
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break
Tear down every lie
Set the wrong thing right
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break 

Something Has to Break by:

Red Rocks Worship & Essential Worship

Layers of self-protection, bondage through lies of people-pleasing and caretaker.  For self-management of my feelings, as to not be too much.  Constantly walking on eggshells as to not say too much, to be too overbearing.  To not seem aloof to what is happening, but to also not interject the situation with my thoughts and feelings.  Things that I learned to manage so long ago, long before I even know what I was agreeing to.  Self-armor that has to break.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me how to love myself the way HE loves me, so that I can love others the same way.  In the same way HIS GLORIOUS GRACE has forgiven me, so can I forgive myself, and extend that same grace to those who hurt me.  I'm learning that I can let go of what mistakes I've made in my past.  I don't have to walk around full of apprehension of overstepping, being overbearing, or being to seemingly aloof for fear of becoming over involved.  

HIS GLORIOUS GRACE is being poured out for me, drawing me nearer to HIM, so that I can SEE that what needs to break are the lies that have kept me bound up.  Lies of people pleasing, (having to fear of being my TRUE SELF) fear that lies to me saying that I need to doubt myself, that I couldn't possibly be forgiven, much less would I be able to forgive others, after all the enemy does everything to ensure that I NEVER forget what has been done to me. 

It's as though on a loop a broken record of wrongs, constantly, continuously playing over in my mind and out of my heart that cause me to people please, to manage, and step into the unrealistic expectation of caretaker role.  A role that I assumed at a very young age.  As manager to the happiness and contentment of others.  I was loved through manipulation and control, so I believed that love needed to be earned, it wasn't just received.

This for me was a HUGE challenge to know, to learn, to understand, and even when I did, I still struggled to TRUST HIM, to TRUST HIS WORD.  HE knew and HE met me right where I was, pulling me even closer still.  Covering me in HIS GLORIOUS GRACE showering me with HIS ENDLESS, EVERLASTING LOVE, flooding me with HIS PERFECT PEACE, and waking me each morning with a new song of HIS TENDER MERCIES.  Ever so slowly, and gently, with UNFAILING KINDNESS, HE met me right where I was.  

Continuously, relentlessly, HE pursued me.  Capturing my heart and attention to know HIM even more.  When I was weary, HE led me beside the still waters.  When I grew so tired and couldn't stand, HE gave me rest in the greenest pasture.  When my tears were my food, HE pulled me even closer still, HE held me, until I could breathe again.  HE held me so very close to HIM.  HE NEVER left my side.  HE waited for me to know that I was hearing HIS voice.  

This morning was a continuation of ALL the times where HE has led me through each and every breakthrough.  Knowing this, I am able to TRUST HIM, to know that HE truly does have my back.  HE knows why I am hurting, why I am crying, and why I feel so helpless.  HE knows and HE has plans for ALL of it.  HE knows my heart's desire is to love people well.  Just as HE loves me so well.  HE knows why I struggle, and what keeps me from forgiving, and extending grace to those who have hurt me, or who have hurt those that I love.  HE knows the shame and guilt that has piled up because I have failed in my relationships with people, both in my family and just those whom I encounter.  HE knows how much I wish I could go back and start over, and HE has a plan for that too.

Precious Dear Ones,

Perhaps what needs to break is the lie that you have taken on that (fill in the blank) is your responsibility.  Perhaps HE is letting you know that whatever you have agreed to is NOT what HE asked of you, rather just something you agreed to.  Dear Ones, HE knows how broken-hearted you are by what has happened.  HE knows how unfairly you are treated, and how disrespected you feel.  HE knows the lies spoken about you, the assumptions made about you, and HE knows the unforgiveness you have for those who have hurt you, but even more so the unforgiveness you have for yourself.  HE knows, and HE is there ready to show you what needs to break.  May you seek HIM, and allow HIM to show you, so that you will SEE that HE is working ALL things out for your good, and that HE is leading you through a breakthrough that is just.for.you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with deep compassion and empathy, and so much love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

vital

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"When you base your life on JESUS, when you dig deeply into HIS word, you will find HOPE on the hardest days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

My hardest days have been the mundane Tuesdays of my life.  It's been the days where nothing and everything is wrong.  The days where I can't explain or describe why I feel the way I do.  The days where tears well up in my eyes and fall like rain.  Days where something as simple as a sock can cause a tsunami of grief triggers to come crashing all around me.  Those are the days I loathe and make me homesick for heaven.  Those are the days where I cling to JESUS because my life truly depends on HIM.

I still remember the first time I learned of HIS HOLY PROMISE of Jeremiah 29:11. To be honest it created in me a surface level faith.  As I was oblivious as to what I just might have to face or go through.  This is because I "thought" the reason all the horrible things that had happened to me was because I didn't know HIM then.  Well now (when I was 26, I was walking with CHRIST so everything would truly work out for my good.)  

Little did I know that living with oblivious understanding to HIS TRUTH would level my faith.  As 10 short years later, I would learn in the hardest of ways, that we aren't promised tomorrow, and that suffering was inevitable for everyone.  I learned in the hardest of ways just how vital a relationship with JESUS would be so that I would survive the worst day of my life.

Looking back to 12 years ago, there's so much I didn't know, that I couldn't' possibly understand Living in oblivious thinking, and understanding created in me a false sense of security.  I had some deep roots, understanding of WHO HE was, and I was starting to grasp WHOSE I am.  Still, I wasn't prepared for what would happen during the darkest, hardest season of my life.  Nothing could have prepared me for the excruciating agony I would endure.  Nothing and no one could have saved me from the overwhelming sorrow I would feel.  No one could have met me in my blinding anger of feeling betrayed by GOD, as how the hell could Seth dying, my son dying be a part of the plan?  Quite frankly GOD where the hell are you?

I was beyond heartbroken, but even more I was so angry at GOD, as I couldn't SEE how anything would ever be good again.  The angrier I let myself get, the closer HE pulled me to HIM.  Even as I beat my fists into HIS chest, crying over and over, begging and pleading for HIM to please come back, please give me back my Sethie, my baby.  I didn't know how to pray anymore, I couldn't read my bible, I could only pour out my ocean of tears soaking into the pages (I ruined an entire bible) of which I kept as living proof that HE catches and keeps every single one of my tears.

I wanted to give up on HIM, and HE wouldn't give up on me.  Instead, HE met me right where I was, HIS grace was like an avalanche that encompassed me.  HIS peace flooded every part of me, and HIS tender mercies were made new for me each and every morning.  I was battle-weary, I was worn out, so tired of crying, and I hated living with a broken heart.  I struggled to keep my head up and felt myself falling further into the pit despair.  

Still, I clung to JESUS - as I knew HE was vital for my survival.  I clung to HIS PROMISES as HIS word was what HE planted deeply, firmly, and cultivated for 10 years before I would have to truly depend on it.  Those deep roots are what kept me clinging to what was vital to keep me from giving up on my life.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up, still I clung to JESUS, and I waited.

Seven years into suffering I would TRUST HIM enough to surrender even more, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again.  I would learn to fight, with HIS WORD which is the sword of HIS HOLY SPIRIT Ephesians 6:17 by putting on my helmet of Salvation, so that my mind would be protected.  I would then learn how to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  I would learn just how vital my total dependence and TRUST in JESUS was for my life.  

"GOD has a plan only you can fulfill.  HE has a task specifically designed for you to undertake. And HE promises that HIS plan is for your good, to bring you peace and hope in your days."

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

I am HIS LIVING VESSEL, HIS tangible proof of HIS goodness.  As I have experienced this very TRUTH, as I have learned just how vital it is for me to know (mind) understand (heart) TRUST (out of your heart) HIM so that I am able to do what HE calls me to do.  I am living proof that there is HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING even while living a life after child loss.  I've survived the unimaginable loss because of JESUS.  Because HE has been my everything.

I have not only just survived, but also I have learned to live to THRIVE because HE has been so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to REMAIN with me, even when I was angry.  Even when I pushed HIM away, even when I hated HIM, even when my words were so far below honoring to HIM.  HE remained, HE held me, and let me cry deep into HIS chest, HE took all of my anger.... all of my tears.... which at times I was certain I would bust in half from the intensity of crying to the end of my soul.  HE remained when I wanted to end it all, as all I wanted was the pain to end.  Through it all, no matter how I felt, HIS TRUTH stayed the same, HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE had a plan for all of it, even when I refused to TRUST HIM, well HE had a plan for that too.

I couldn't fathom the life I am living now, well that is until I HE takes me back and reminds me of the many prayers I prayed in asking for the life I am living now.  The only difference is, the plans HE has for each of my children, well HE didn't consult me on those, and HE is asking me TRUST HIM with ALL of it.  So instead of being angry that I'm not being consulted, I know, understand and TRUST to pray for my children.  To pray that they too will know, understand and TRUST just how vital their deeply personal relationship with JESUS is for each of them.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows the plans HE has for your life.  Plans that are deeply personal and just.for.you.  Plans that require your willingness to submit, to repent, to surrender to HIS will for your life.  Dear Ones, HE knows your apprehension, and why you have it.  HE understands, and HE has a plan for that too.  Nothing is unbeknownst to HIM, even when your angry with HIM, even when and WHY you don't TRUST HIM.  HE was there then, and HE is there now, for ALL the days of your life.  HE was there when you stopped praying, when deep loss entered your life and your suffering began.  HE knows, and HE loves you.   I pray you will seek HIM and ask HIM to be the LORD and SAVIOR of your life.  I pray that you too will know, understand and TRUST that HE is vital for your faith, and your life., 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, understanding and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

in the midst

"because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake.  You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit."

1 Thessalonians 1:5-6

The WORD does something to you deep down inside, stirring up the SPIRIT within you, linking it to the power of GOD'S SPIRIT.  It touches your heart, changes your mind, inspires your soul.  Within GOD's WORD you find GOD. You get to know HIM.  You begin to understand things in a way you never could before." 

Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional

Through HIS word I have found HOPE in the midst of despair.  It's where I have found joy in the midst of sorrow.  It's where I've found a supernatural peace that I couldn't explain or even know to pray or ask for in the midst of the most excruciating pain of agony, sadness, and overwhelming grief. It has been through HIS word where I have discovered that HE is indeed the Son of Suffering.  That NOTHING I was suffering through was unbeknownst to HIM.

Finding HIM in HIS word has been life giving to me.  Finding my life in between the scriptures has filled me with HIS TRUE PURPOSE for my life.  It's where I've received an exchange for all that burdens me, where I've learned to release that of which hurts me, to take on HIS yoke, which is so much lighter than that of which I struggle to maintain within my life.

Letting go of the burden to manage my grief, my suffering, and releasing the years of tears swallowed in my attempt to maintain an okay status as to not offend or cause anyone around me to be uncomfortable in my grief.  Letting go of wanting to save face, rather letting out all that has crushed me in the unrealistic expectations placed upon me, or that I agreed to take on so that I wouldn't be too much for anyone to be around.

For the longest time I believed that I couldn't possibly be used as HIS living vessel as I was so horrendously broken.  My heart had been shattered, and no matter what good was happening in my life, the truth was that my son had died, I was suffering the deepest loss I've ever known.  I was irrevocably changed, and no one truly understood what that meant to me and for me.  I struggled to pray, to hold it all together and maintain the image of, "I'm fine, Seth died, but I'm alive and I'm okay."  When really that was the furthest from the truth I coiuld have been.

Quite honestly, I'm saddened that it's taken me so long to uncover HIS TRUTH about where HE is in the midst of my suffering.  I annoy myself in the "trying" that I have put myself through, as to feel bad for needing even more grace.  When truthfully my problem wasn't that I couldn't or wasn't suffering, it's I was trying to suffer on my own.  Because that's what the world teaches us from an early age.  We learn at an age that we couldn't possibly advocate for ourselves, so instead we try our best as tender age children to reconcile to why things are not going well.  And when we've exhausted every effort to understand, and can't seem to place blame on anyone else, we end up placing the blame on ourselves. 

For the longest time I felt as though it was my job to just survive my life until I died.  This was a lie that I believed, began to live, and eventually spoke out loud.  It was the lie cultivated by the enemy that kept me trapped, not realizing that JESUS was there in the midst of suffering with me.  HE was working ALL things out for my good.  Yet, I had no clue what HE was doing behind the scenes.  

Today I am reminded of where HE was and has always remained in the midst of my suffering through yet another song, and for that I am grateful. As I am able to hold my hands up to PRAISE HIM, to give HIM ALL THE GLORY, HONOR, and PRAISE, as if it weren't for HIM, I would have surely died from a brokenheart.

"When I should have lost my mind.... YOU showed up right on time... and carried me through the valley.... all the way on the other side.... and when pain tried to take my joy... is when I felt YOU more.... and now I've got to testify.... GOD, YOU kept my heart alive... I didn't know that I'd survive... I gave up so many times.... but YOU kept my heart alive... when LOVE once came to die.... YOU NEVER left my side.... and YOU kept my heart alive" For My Good by: Maverick City ~ Chandler Moore

Truly I am a living testament to this new song that HE has placed in my heart.  HE has awakened a new level of faith, of understanding in the midst of suffering.  Through the power of HIS HOLY SPIRIT through HIS WORD, I have been awakened to HIS great purpose for my life.  Where HE has shown me, proven to me that HE won't waste a single one of my tears.  That HE is with me, even if.... even when.... even though.... in the middle of the storm.... even in the midst of suffering. 

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE TRULY is in the details of every single moment of my life., Even in the midst of suffering.  HE is with me ALWAYS, ready and waiting to teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand, to TRUST that HE is indeed working ALL things out for my good.  

This has been the hardest thing to accept, as I couldn't fathom how the plan of Seth's homecoming would ever be seen as a good thing.  Well, my tears say otherwise, however the deep well of empathy that HE has created in me, well I know that was only made possible in the midst of immense suffering.  For I know full well that I wouldn't have been able to dig deep enough into my faith, to have HIM create in me a heart like HIS, one that is willing to mourn with those who mourn.  To BE someone who doesn't run away, or turn away the hurting, the brokenhearted, and the downcast soul.  To BE HIS LIVING VESSEL to hold space for the brokenhearted has been an honor and blessing.  A calling that I hold very graciously, and humbly.  

Precious Dear Ones,

It is my fervent prayer that you will know that in the midst of whatever it is that you are going through, whatever you are enduring in this very moment of your life, that you will know you aren't alone.  I pray that you will feel the comfort of HIS peaceful presence.  I pray you will know that NOTHING you are facing is unbeknownst to HIM.  I pray that you will accept HIS invitation to BE with you in the midst of your suffering.  I pray that you will know that suffering looks different for everyone and should never be compared. (This I am learning, as my eyes are being opened to SEE that suffering is different for everyone) I pray that you too will come to know HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR, so that you will TRUST and know that HE is indeed working ALL things out for your good.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

mirror

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:12-14

I always have the best day whenever I spend it in HIS word.  When I don't have to converse with people, or leave my house   Then it never fails, life calls, and I have to leave my home, my office, and I have to do life with people.  And, well lately its become very peoplely out there.  I'm not even sure if that is even a word, but I do know this, HE wants me to strike it from my vocabulary.  As HE is wanting me to not only read HIS word, HE wants me to meditate on it, and allow HIM to work in me and through me of WHY I NEED to understand the imperativeness of not only me understanding the importance of living this way, but TRUSTING HIM with the WHY, and doing it ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

Well, I feel as if though I should reintroduce myself once again.  Hi, I'm Heather, and I love people who are nice and agreeable.  I get along with most people.  However, because I am so very human, I struggle immensely with difficult people.  Lately it's as if though I have been bombarded by seemingly rude people.  To be honest I had a feeling that HE would be addressing this very issue that has become a common theme in my life as of lately.  So here we are, I'm ALL IN once again, and ready to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is letting me know that I was created ON PURPOSE to mirror CHRISTS JESUS attributes.  For me this means whenever I encounter someone rude, or mean, I am to treat them the same as someone who is lovely, gracious and kind.  HE is wanting me to know that I am to be dressed for success in clothing myself in all the things that HE has been for me.

Clothing myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience is usually not too difficult to do, well that is until someone is combative or argumentative.  As it is then where I fall short of HIS GLORY, and my flesh takes over.  It's as if though the angry 15-year-old who was deeply wounded and so tired of being treated so unfairly, that part of me in a tender part that HE is healing, and redeeming in my story.  Well healing requires obedience, and discipline, as I am to die unto myself, and my selfish ways.  This I am learning is so much more complex than I could have possibly known.

To mirror CHRIST for me is my greatest desire, it's my hearts cry, to BE HOLY, HONORING, and PLEASING to HIM in ALL that I say and do.  As much as that is my hearts cry, there's still so much more for me to surrender to HIM, as this goes into the category of surrendering that of which I don't know or understand.  However, since I TRUST HIM, I know that HE is pulling this out of me, to REDEEM me for HIS GREAT PURPOSE for the plans that HE has for my life. 

Then comes the most daunting part in my human thinking, which is forgiveness, as why would I have to forgive someone for hurting, or offending me?  That is when HE pulls me even closer still, and speaks to my heart, "Dear Heart, you are able to forgive, because I have forgiven you.  You are able to give what you have received, and because I love you and know what's best for you, I want you to TRUST me that I know what is best for you, and for them."  Hearing HIM speak so gently, and tenderly to my hurting heart, is when I begin to SEE the situation and the person through HIS eyes.   As I am reminding of the many chances HE has given me to repent, to seek forgiveness, and ALL the grace that HE has extended to me.  I am lovingly reminded of how many times I've had to repent for the same offenses.  For this very reason, I'm surrendering once again that of which I don't know or understand when it comes to the "why" someone is rude, argumentative, combative, or offensive.

Grace that is sufficient for all the times that been the one to have been the one who offended, was combative, or argumentative towards others.  Grace for all the times where I flat out refused to forgive, and HE remained, STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, with me, for me.  When I think about ALL the chances HE'S given me, I am so grateful to have receive every single one of them.  So when I think about myself, HE opens my eyes with discernment for those who I am called to forgive.  HE shows me that there are things I don't understand, I don't know, and I should NEVER just assume.  As I am reminded of ALL the times where I've fallen apart, and fallen short of HIS GLORY, I have reacted and responded in a less than GOD honoring way..

~ Part 2~

I started writing this blog post yesterday, and had to leave before I could finish it, and post it.  Well as the day would go, man did I fall short of ALL the things HE was teaching me about.  Having just learned the importance and imperativeness of clothing myself in CHRISTS ATTRIBUTES, well let's just say as the day lingered, so did my thoughts.  Which led me to be careless in my responses, and in muttering careless words.  I allowed myself to be led by my emotions and dictated by my feelings about circumstances.  Most of which weren't even about me, however I had a strong opinion about. So as the day progressed so did my disdain for people and the situations in which I found myself.

We didn't get home until late last night, and as I got ready for bed, the heaviness took over, and a deep sense of remorse washed over me.  Having to repent for how I chose to face the day.  How I failed spectacularly at being a mirror for CHRIST.  I tossed and turned for quite some time, unable to settle myself, to calm my mind, to silence my racing thoughts.  

Finally, exhaustion took over, or perhaps it was HIS peace that surpassed ALL my understanding, and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep.  I was awakened to HIM speaking to my heart, "Rise Dear Heart, we have much to do together today."  HE knew what I needed, which was to begin my morning routine, by getting ready for the day.  HE knew how bad I felt by what transpired yesterday, and HE knew that I so desperately needed HIS HOLY REMINDER that indeed HIS MERCIES are truly made new each morning, just.for.me.

As I sit and wait for HIS HOLY SPIRIT to lead me to type out the rest of this post, I am encompassed in HIS LOVE.  I am feeling more peace than I felt yesterday. I am filled with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE is truly IN THE DETAILS.  I am reminded of when HE first began to teach, lead, and guide me.  That HE didn't rush me then, and HE isn't rushing me now.   HE knows just how much I NEED HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  HE knows how it takes me a bit to not only learn what HE is teaching me, but how to apply it, and then the obedience to follow through. HE knows how hard I struggle through the discipline to get me to the point where I let go of my fleshly ways.  As I'm reminded that it's written in HIS word about how I do the things I shouldn't do, and I don't do the things I should do.  

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do"

Romans 7:15

This for me is HIS loving reminder that I am not so far gone that HIS word doesn't understand me.  Truly every single thing I struggle with, is KNOWN.  For that I am deeply grateful.  I am so very thankful that the mistakes I make are not used against me, rather to pull me even closer still to HIM, so that I can, and when willingly surrendered, submitted, HE will indeed teach, lead, and guide me to know, to understand, to TRUST HIM with what I need to do, because I will understand what I NEED to know.  Truly HE has remained STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to me, a sinner, HIS BELOVED CHILD, worthy of HIS love, even when the world says differently to me.  HE whispers, "Dear Heart, I have you, I know you don't understand, I know why that hurts you, I know you are sorry, and I love you.  No matter what, even if you never change, I will love you always, no matter what.  You, Ravah, my Precious Dear Heart, are MINE."

Precious Dear Ones,

May today be a day where you too learn that HIS MERCIES are made new, just.for.you.  No matter how bad things went yesterday, or even this morning, no matter what has happened.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE knows your heart.  HE knows why you respond and react the way you do to the stress and struggles in your life.  HE knows how unfairly you've been judged, or mistreated.  HE knows why you're angry, why you've all but given up.  HE knows the sleepless, restless nights where you've cried endlessly.  HE knows why you've shut down and isolated yourself away from people.  HE knows why you don't trust anyone, especially HIM.  HE knows the moment when you decided you couldn't and made a vow to NEVER TRUST HIM again.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has a good and perfect plan for you to experience HIS love, HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to you and for you.  HE has a plan to set you FREE from that which hurts you.  HE will help you to forgive, to let go of what hurts you, as HE will teach you to release it to HIM.  HE has good plans to teach you to fight to get FREE, to be FREE, to stay FREE.  Truly restoration, healing, and redemption is ALWAYS HIS plan.  May you have the courage to open your heart to HIM and allow HIM to do abundantly more than you could ever think to pray or ask for.  May today be the beginning of your adventure with HIM, that will create in you a desire to mirror CHRIST.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, understanding and deep compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

search and discovery

" Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God"

Colossians 3:1-3

The more I seek HIM, the more I find HIM, the more I can't wait till the next search and discovery that HE leads me through.  I love whenever I SEE my life fall between the scriptures that HE places on my heart.  Whenever I feel HIM cultivating the already deep roots that HE planted all those years ago. I also smile whenever I realize that I've reached the next level of understanding, as I know that is HIM delighting in me, and my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is strengthened.

I am so grateful to have this heavenly perspective as I can still remember a time not so long ago where I seriously doubted whether or not HE truly was for me.  I felt so lost, afraid, abandoned and confused.  The betrayal was piercing to my soul, and I cried until I was certain I was emptied of tears, only to reach the next deep well of endless tears.  I was tired, worn out, cried out, and my faith was dwindling.

Two months ago I worried that those feelings were creeping back in, only I didn't have the same fears, or believe the same lies, I was just eerily calm, and quiet.  More than that, HE was quiet, or so I thought.  What I now realize it that I was filled with a supernatural peace from HIM, that HE was pouring over me to prepare me for this next season, which I am now in.  A season of writing, speaking, and sharing all of the search and discovery moments I am having with HIM through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.

I know I have reached a new level of learning and understanding that could only happen because I started out with a very basic knowledge of WHO HE is.   What began as a simple request, "JESUS I want to know you, I want to understand what I don't know, and I NEED YOU."   HE met me right there, in the beginning.  The beginning of my breakthrough on May 25, 2013, I still remember that morning.  An early 5am rise, journal, pen, and bible in my hands I made my way to our living room.  I remember the soft glow of the lamp, as I put pen to paper and penned those exact words.  I will NEVER forget when I first heard HIS voice.  I will NEVER forget how it felt to begin to know that HE was meeting me right where I was.  

Through search and discovery, HE began to teach, lead, and guide me by first giving me the layout of what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS would consist of.  That I didn't need to worry how, that HE knew exactly what I was needing, and HE was faithful to always provide.  Those early days, I now can look back, and SEE were preparation for my days to come.  Each morning, I would rise before the dawn, before anyone else was awake, and I would meet with HIM.  I would ask questions, and I would begin to learn to read HIS word, soak in HIS word, and ruminate in HIS word.

Days that lead me through the first month, then second month, all the way to my first year.  Not skipping a single day I journaled, prayed, read, and met with JESUS for almost 18 months before the worst day of my life happened.  Even after that day, I still met with HIM, I still journaled, prayed, only now I cried to the end of my soul, I didn't understand the plan, and I struggled to keep my head up.

Two years later I found myself face down in a pit of despair.  I had hope for heaven, but zero hope for living.  I had been suffering the loss of my son for two years, and I couldn't even be a person, let alone a warrior for CHRIST, a wife or a mother.  I was broken, confused, my soul was so downcast, and I couldn't function.  I cried daily, all day, and when I wasn't crying, I was stuffing.  To numb the pain, to try and fill the void of the profound absence of my son's life.  The silence was deafening as our family had been irrevocably changed.  

I found myself trying so desperately to do what I once did, I tried to write, to pray, to read HIS word, and I found myself unable to even open my bible.  My tears were wordless prayers, as I knew HE was with me, and was catching ALL of my tears.  As there was a time for almost a year that every time I would go into my room I would cry and say, "JESUS I hurt," and HE would respond, "I know I AM with you."   I would cry tears of agony for my Sethie, my baby, my Sethie, please JESUS, please come back, please help me, pleaaaassssssse." 

Just writing about that time in my life, causses tears to well up in my eyes.  One because it was so deeply painful, lonely, and isolating.  Two because now I can look back and SEE HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me to remain no matter what.   Three because I can now SEE that from the beginning of the first day where I met with HIM at 5am, I can now SEE HE was preparing me for this very moment where I am now in my life.

If ever I begin to question whether or not HE is truly for me, all I need to do is look back over the past 13 years where I have intentionally met with HIM, even when I was angry with HIM.  Even when I told HIM I hated HIM for what HE allowed to happen.   Through ALL of my anger, bitterness, jealously, and envy HE held me, helped me, and poured HIS peace over me, and ensured that I experienced HIS grace that is truly sufficient enough for me.  Through it all, no matter what HE has filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HIS MERCIES were indeed made new for me each morning.  

I am learning that HIS plan, HIS purpose is only found, through a deeply personal invitation for me to know HIM, for HIM to reveal just how much HE knows me.  I am truly living proof that the life I was created for, to live is hidden within HIM.  I am learning the true value of meeting HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE as that is where the life, the healing, the restoration that I am NEED of is truly hidden in HIM.  I am experiencing HIS delight in me and for me, as each morning I embark on another adventure of search and discovery with HIM.

I am continuing to learn that is imperative that I continue to seek HIM, to keep my eyes fixed on HIM, to look up, to keep my ears open to hear ONLY HIS voice.  To NOT be distracted by all the circumstances of my life, and the ways of this world.  I am learning WHY I must remain alert, and BE of sober mind, taking each and every thought captive as to not get tripped up by my enemy.  This I have learned in the hardest of ways, as the enemy is always at my heels.  Trying to trip me up through relationships with my loved ones.  As the hardest strongholds I have had to learn to release, and fight through has been people pleasing.

For me this was in the way I managed my grief and my suffering, so as to NOT offend or make others feel uncomfortable.  This I have just learned of these past few weeks, and just yesterday HE let me know that often times I do things because of condemnation and mistake it for conviction.  Yikes!  That made me cringe, as I don't want to do anything, or focus on anything that HE doesn't want for me or hasn't called me to do.  In trying to do what I thought I should be doing, HE is setting me free from the unrealistic expectations placed on me by others, and even more so by myself.  

What I've learned and continue to find in my search and discovery is that HE isn't mad at me, or disappointed in me.  HE loves me, tenderly, gently, and endlessly.  HE delights in knowing that I am seeking HIM, to know, to SEE, to understand, to TRUST HIM even more.  HE loves when I surrender to whatever I don't know, and TRUST HIM to reveal to me whatever it is that I NEED to know.  HE loves when I choose to TRUST that if HIS timing isn't for me to know or understand, that I still choose to TRUST HIM.   Even when.... Even if..... Even though....

Precious Dear Ones,

Oh, my Dear Brothers and Sisters, HE knows.  HE knows what is hurting you.  HE knows why you're struggling to repent, to surrender, and to forgive.  HE knows and HE loves you.  HE has a plan for all of it; HE'S just waiting for you to choose to TRUST HIM.   HE wants to meet you right where you are to hold you, to help you, to free you, to restore you, to redeem you.  HIS plans for your life are so devastatingly good because even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain HE is still so very good.  If today should find you barely hanging on, feeling lost, alone, or angry, HE knows, and HE'S there and wants to help you.  May today be the day where you reach out to grab HIS garment, for HIS healing, HIS power, HIS peace, HIS strength to wash over you.  May you come to know HIM as I know HIM, may you have the courage to reach out, to pray, to cry out, to just say, "JESUS I believe in you, please come into my life, and be my LORD and SAVIOR, I NEED YOU.  May today be the beginning of your breakthrough, and may you begin your journey of search and discovery where you too find your life hidden with CHRIST JESUS.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, grace, compassion, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather