search and discovery

" Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God"

Colossians 3:1-3

The more I seek HIM, the more I find HIM, the more I can't wait till the next search and discovery that HE leads me through.  I love whenever I SEE my life fall between the scriptures that HE places on my heart.  Whenever I feel HIM cultivating the already deep roots that HE planted all those years ago. I also smile whenever I realize that I've reached the next level of understanding, as I know that is HIM delighting in me, and my TRUST in HIM and for HIM is strengthened.

I am so grateful to have this heavenly perspective as I can still remember a time not so long ago where I seriously doubted whether or not HE truly was for me.  I felt so lost, afraid, abandoned and confused.  The betrayal was piercing to my soul, and I cried until I was certain I was emptied of tears, only to reach the next deep well of endless tears.  I was tired, worn out, cried out, and my faith was dwindling.

Two months ago I worried that those feelings were creeping back in, only I didn't have the same fears, or believe the same lies, I was just eerily calm, and quiet.  More than that, HE was quiet, or so I thought.  What I now realize it that I was filled with a supernatural peace from HIM, that HE was pouring over me to prepare me for this next season, which I am now in.  A season of writing, speaking, and sharing all of the search and discovery moments I am having with HIM through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.

I know I have reached a new level of learning and understanding that could only happen because I started out with a very basic knowledge of WHO HE is.   What began as a simple request, "JESUS I want to know you, I want to understand what I don't know, and I NEED YOU."   HE met me right there, in the beginning.  The beginning of my breakthrough on May 25, 2013, I still remember that morning.  An early 5am rise, journal, pen, and bible in my hands I made my way to our living room.  I remember the soft glow of the lamp, as I put pen to paper and penned those exact words.  I will NEVER forget when I first heard HIS voice.  I will NEVER forget how it felt to begin to know that HE was meeting me right where I was.  

Through search and discovery, HE began to teach, lead, and guide me by first giving me the layout of what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS would consist of.  That I didn't need to worry how, that HE knew exactly what I was needing, and HE was faithful to always provide.  Those early days, I now can look back, and SEE were preparation for my days to come.  Each morning, I would rise before the dawn, before anyone else was awake, and I would meet with HIM.  I would ask questions, and I would begin to learn to read HIS word, soak in HIS word, and ruminate in HIS word.

Days that lead me through the first month, then second month, all the way to my first year.  Not skipping a single day I journaled, prayed, read, and met with JESUS for almost 18 months before the worst day of my life happened.  Even after that day, I still met with HIM, I still journaled, prayed, only now I cried to the end of my soul, I didn't understand the plan, and I struggled to keep my head up.

Two years later I found myself face down in a pit of despair.  I had hope for heaven, but zero hope for living.  I had been suffering the loss of my son for two years, and I couldn't even be a person, let alone a warrior for CHRIST, a wife or a mother.  I was broken, confused, my soul was so downcast, and I couldn't function.  I cried daily, all day, and when I wasn't crying, I was stuffing.  To numb the pain, to try and fill the void of the profound absence of my son's life.  The silence was deafening as our family had been irrevocably changed.  

I found myself trying so desperately to do what I once did, I tried to write, to pray, to read HIS word, and I found myself unable to even open my bible.  My tears were wordless prayers, as I knew HE was with me, and was catching ALL of my tears.  As there was a time for almost a year that every time I would go into my room I would cry and say, "JESUS I hurt," and HE would respond, "I know I AM with you."   I would cry tears of agony for my Sethie, my baby, my Sethie, please JESUS, please come back, please help me, pleaaaassssssse." 

Just writing about that time in my life, causses tears to well up in my eyes.  One because it was so deeply painful, lonely, and isolating.  Two because now I can look back and SEE HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me to remain no matter what.   Three because I can now SEE that from the beginning of the first day where I met with HIM at 5am, I can now SEE HE was preparing me for this very moment where I am now in my life.

If ever I begin to question whether or not HE is truly for me, all I need to do is look back over the past 13 years where I have intentionally met with HIM, even when I was angry with HIM.  Even when I told HIM I hated HIM for what HE allowed to happen.   Through ALL of my anger, bitterness, jealously, and envy HE held me, helped me, and poured HIS peace over me, and ensured that I experienced HIS grace that is truly sufficient enough for me.  Through it all, no matter what HE has filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HIS MERCIES were indeed made new for me each morning.  

I am learning that HIS plan, HIS purpose is only found, through a deeply personal invitation for me to know HIM, for HIM to reveal just how much HE knows me.  I am truly living proof that the life I was created for, to live is hidden within HIM.  I am learning the true value of meeting HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE as that is where the life, the healing, the restoration that I am NEED of is truly hidden in HIM.  I am experiencing HIS delight in me and for me, as each morning I embark on another adventure of search and discovery with HIM.

I am continuing to learn that is imperative that I continue to seek HIM, to keep my eyes fixed on HIM, to look up, to keep my ears open to hear ONLY HIS voice.  To NOT be distracted by all the circumstances of my life, and the ways of this world.  I am learning WHY I must remain alert, and BE of sober mind, taking each and every thought captive as to not get tripped up by my enemy.  This I have learned in the hardest of ways, as the enemy is always at my heels.  Trying to trip me up through relationships with my loved ones.  As the hardest strongholds I have had to learn to release, and fight through has been people pleasing.

For me this was in the way I managed my grief and my suffering, so as to NOT offend or make others feel uncomfortable.  This I have just learned of these past few weeks, and just yesterday HE let me know that often times I do things because of condemnation and mistake it for conviction.  Yikes!  That made me cringe, as I don't want to do anything, or focus on anything that HE doesn't want for me or hasn't called me to do.  In trying to do what I thought I should be doing, HE is setting me free from the unrealistic expectations placed on me by others, and even more so by myself.  

What I've learned and continue to find in my search and discovery is that HE isn't mad at me, or disappointed in me.  HE loves me, tenderly, gently, and endlessly.  HE delights in knowing that I am seeking HIM, to know, to SEE, to understand, to TRUST HIM even more.  HE loves when I surrender to whatever I don't know, and TRUST HIM to reveal to me whatever it is that I NEED to know.  HE loves when I choose to TRUST that if HIS timing isn't for me to know or understand, that I still choose to TRUST HIM.   Even when.... Even if..... Even though....

Precious Dear Ones,

Oh, my Dear Brothers and Sisters, HE knows.  HE knows what is hurting you.  HE knows why you're struggling to repent, to surrender, and to forgive.  HE knows and HE loves you.  HE has a plan for all of it; HE'S just waiting for you to choose to TRUST HIM.   HE wants to meet you right where you are to hold you, to help you, to free you, to restore you, to redeem you.  HIS plans for your life are so devastatingly good because even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain HE is still so very good.  If today should find you barely hanging on, feeling lost, alone, or angry, HE knows, and HE'S there and wants to help you.  May today be the day where you reach out to grab HIS garment, for HIS healing, HIS power, HIS peace, HIS strength to wash over you.  May you come to know HIM as I know HIM, may you have the courage to reach out, to pray, to cry out, to just say, "JESUS I believe in you, please come into my life, and be my LORD and SAVIOR, I NEED YOU.  May today be the beginning of your breakthrough, and may you begin your journey of search and discovery where you too find your life hidden with CHRIST JESUS.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With love, grace, compassion, empathy, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

waking in faith

I've always known the scripture, walk by faith, or live by faith NOT by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7. Well since September 2026 HE has been teaching me a new level of understanding how to do just that.  For me it's always been struggling to sleep at night, and even if I am able to fall asleep, I'm often times ripped from sleep several times a night.  Usually I give up sleeping, and just stay up, and take naps during the day. 

Well because I know of HIS deep love for me, I now SEE what new thing HE has been teaching me.  First waking me in the early morning hours, not for me, but to lead me to pray for those in my life who too are struggling to sleep.  Those whose lives have been so full of stress and strife.  Pain and heartache have moved in and taken up much of the spaces of their hearts.  HE has brought me to a place where as soon as my eyes open, I say, "Who am I praying for?"  Without fail, HE places their name or their face, or even sometimes their voice in my heart, and I immediately I am filled with discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT in how to pray.

Lately though, as I awaken, my first response is who, and HE lets me know, "Precious Dear Heart, I AM with you.  I have NEVER left you.  I have remained with you through ALL of this."  This morning at 2am, HE let me know that HE knew how much I cried yesterday for Seth's would be 14th birthday.  HE knew how hard I fought to NOT do what I've always done but just let the tears fall.  And, HE was right, I did just let my tears fall.  I let all the feelings of loss, and pain wash over me, and I released them right into HIS waiting hands.  I let the memories flow of Seth's birth.  I let the tears fall, and I felt the ache in my arms and hands that began on the afternoon of October 13, 2014.  I allowed myself to feel the deep longing of missing, and I released the ache to HIM.  I allowed HIM into the desperation of missing my son.  I allowed JESUS to BE enough for me.  

Last night began a new journey, waking in faith. This I know and understand is so that I am able to share HIS goodness, of HIS steadfast faithfulness for HIS kids.  This means YOU Dear Reader.  This means that YOU who is reading these words right now.   The nights where you've felt forgotten, so lost, and betrayed.  YOU, yes, YOU, HE SEES YOU.  

As HIS beloved child you NEED to know, HE is the miracle maker, a wonderful savior, a faithful friend, a fierce defender, a mighty protector, and an impenetrable shield.  HE is your champion, your ABBA, new life creator, HE is ALL of this and more.  With HIM, through HIM, ALL things WILL be possible.

Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking "yeah sure okay, but Heather, you don't know where I have been, what I've had to endure.  You don't know what I have done, and you would be right.  However, what I do know is, even though I don't, HE does.  HE SEES it ALL, HE'S been with you ALL the days of your life.  HE knows why you've struggled, why you don't trust, and why you toss and turn every night, fighting for just even an hour of sleep.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for your rescue.  HE knows and HE'S waiting for you to be waking in faith.

All I know is that I would have surely died from my broken heart in suffering the death of my son.  I would have succumbed to the devastation I endured from the desperation that took over my mind in missing Seth.  I was certain that I had NO hope for living and only had hope for heaven.  I spent my days and nights praying for the end to be near.  That I would close my eyes and wake up in paradise with JESUS.  What I didn't know then, and what I SEE now is that HE was preparing me for RESCUE.  HE was preparing me to know, to experience, to LIVE with HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.  Where healing would flow abundantly through me, so that I would be able to write, to speak, to share of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  

Writing my faith journey has been extremely healing for me, as I SEE it was, HE is turning my pain into HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life.  I now know FULL WELL this is the life that the enemy didn't want me to know anything about.  This is the moment for such a time as this that I was created for.  As HE knew I would one day be healed enough, to TRUST HIM even more.  That I would willingly surrender whatever HE was asking of me.  HE knew that I would SEEK HIM, over and over.  Constantly seeking HIS perspective, wanting and NEEDING HIS TRUTH.  HE knew that I would get in the driver's seat of the bus of life, and I would go out and pick up other people who they too had been run over by the bus of life.  

I went from falling asleep in despair, or just merely surviving to waking in faith.  Faith in HIM and for HIM, that even when I don't understand the plan, well HE has a plan for that too.  Faith that no matter what happens to me, or around me, HE is with me always.  That even if, even when, or even though, no matter the even's HE is with me, and HE has a plan, and when I choose to TRUST HIM, HE will always work things out for my good.  Because I know FULL WELL, I am HIS beloved child, I am the daughter of the KING, and HIS love for me in unconditional, everlasting, and endless. 

Perhaps, this has been HIS plan all along, for me to just know that HE is with me ALWAYS.  That no matter if I am crying, angry, upset, jealous, bitter, lost, or feeling betrayed, HE has a plan for my healing.  That NO matter how bad things have gotten out of control in my life.  No matter what relationships feel as seemingly irrevocably broken, NOTHING is impossible with HIM.  HE has a plan, for even more healing for me.  Plans to be LOVED by HIM, for me to walk with HIM, and to WAKE with HIM.  I am learning that I am truly experiencing HIS KINGDOM right here on earth as it is in HEAVEN.  That it's not an external seeing(circumstances), rather an internal feeling and even more SEEING (spiritual eyes opened).  This is truly HIS PEACE that surpasses any and ALL understanding. 

I am learning that waking in faith means that I can release whatever is laying heavily on my mind and heart.  That I can release any and ALL feelings that are tearing me apart.  I can lay my burdens down, and I can cry deep into HIS chest.  I can surrender, even when I am afraid, and I can be comforted by HIM, as HE truly is the ONLY ONE WHO can truly comfort me.  This pain that I endure, the suffering that I have invited HIM into is overwhelming, and so unbearably hard at times. and HE is right there to help me, to hold me, for me to feel HIS love, to know HIS love, to TRUST HIS love, as I am continuously learning that HE is indeed my anchor for my soul  

In waking in faith, I am experiencing a life I never knew before, but the ONE that I had always prayed for.  Everything that I had prayed for, waited for, and longed for, HE was there all along, working it ALL out for my good.  Waking in faith is teaching me total dependence and TRUST in the LORD with ALL my heart, and it gives me immense comfort as this is another tangible way of SEEING HIS GOODNESS, as HE is the ONE WHO kept my heart alive, when I lost my mind, when my heart was shattered.  When I walked through the valley of shadow of death, when my tears were my food, HE was the ONE WHO REMAINED STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to keep my heart alive, WHO strengthened my faith, WHO cultivated even deep roots, WHO stayed with me through the deep abyss of pain, agony, and sorrow.  

Truly I am SEEING my life in HIS word, as my life falls between the scriptures.  I SEE it, I know it, and I know that I am deeply LOVED, SEEN, HEARD, and KNOWN by HIM.  HE has continuously shown up, and restored my JOY.  HE has refined my faith by remaining with me in the fire.  HE has renewed my strength so that I was able to keep going.  HE has been my anchor, my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my SAVIOR, my JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows just how heavy your burdens are that you are carrying.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows how rough this past year has been for you.  HE knows just how deeply you are grieving the life you once knew.  HE knows how desperately you are missing the one whose deep loss you are suffering. HE knows how your faith has been leveled, and HE has a plan.  HE knows how much guilt and shame are weighing you down.  HE knows how impossible it all. seems to you.  HE knows why you are unable to trust or forgive, and HE has plan, a good, a deeply personal plan that is just.for.you.  Will you TRUST HIM?  Are you ready to repent, to surrender, to step into a new way of living?  Are you ready to surrender what you don't know, and TRUST HIM to help you through it?  Are you ready to fall into HIS arms, and let HIM help you?  HE is there, are you ready to give HIM your sleepless, restless nights?  Are you ready to live a life that is waking up in faith?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much compassion, understanding, empathy, and love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

12

Yesterday was the final day of the 12rh year of grieving my son.  It was his homecoming to JESUS day, and my family and I did our best to honor Seth's life and spent the day doing one of his favorite things.   We went to a pumpkin patch, as Seth loved Halloween.  He loved piders (spiders) and he loved people.   Every October 13th have always been a day that until this moment in time, I tried my best to just keep it together.  To not cry too much.  To not dwell on the fact that Seth had died, and that I still remembered so much of the worst day of my life.  

This I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still, as I fought to swallow my tears.  HE was letting me that HE meant what HE said when I was no longer to manage my grief, but to grieve with HIM.   HE made that very evident yesterday whenever I looked at my watch and saw the time.  Such as at the 11:30am time, I remembered was when I took my two daughters and their friend to the store for snacks.  I remembered Seth wanting to go and crying at the door.  I remembered backing out of the driveway, seeing his little face pressed against the glass and me saying, "oh I just love him."  Not knowing that day would be my last day to see him do that ever again.

Tears fell all throughout the day yesterday.  I cried with each moment that was a reminder, just like when a little girl was playing with her mama's necklace and wrapping her sweet little arms and her hands touched her mama's face.  I felt that, that moment where I stood at the microwave warming up lunch and Seth reached up to me to pick him up.  I remembered his sweet voice, "mama me me me, up up up."  I remembered his little arms wrapped around my neck, and his little hands on my face.  Him looking into my eyes, as if remembering everything he could about me.  We danced, and kissed JESUS (my cross necklace that he was fascinated with) a million times.  Then I set him down to serve lunch, and he climbed on his chair and laid down as he wasn't feeling good.  

Around the 4 o'clock hour I glanced to my right and saw an ambulance, and I was immediately brought back to the moment when I was collapsed in the driveway, and I felt the first responder jump on the grass with Seth in his arms.  I remembered watching the ambulance drive away, the sirens, I still hear them.  The pain of that moment hit the deepest part of my grief, and tears spilled out. Falling like rain.  Later I would see a Mama holding her sweet little boy on her back, and I watched him hold onto her neck, jumping and shrieking at the excitement of what he was seeing.  That is when my tears became too much for me, and I had to step away for a moment to just breathe.  

The rest of the day, whenever the time was remembered, I felt HIM pull me even closer.  HE knew how badly I was hurting.  HE knew how much I ached from missing Seth.  HE knew, and HE held me, and caught every single one of my tears.  HE knew how relieved I was to have made it through another year of honoring Seth.  HE also knew just how weary I would be this morning, as tomorrow is October 15th, and that is Seth's birthday.  This year, he would be 14.  An age where I feel so much further from knowing my own son.  HE knows, and HE is with me.  Holding me, helping me through the pain of missing him.  HE knows how much I hate this plan, how much I wish so badly that things could be different.   HE knows how much I wish people knew, and understood, but then that would be they too would have had to suffer just like me, and I wouldn't wish this on even the meanest person I know.  So instead, I just cry, and let the pain out.  I cry out all the words stored up, buried deep inside.  I weep with JESUS, for I know full well that HE weeps with me. 

This year I am learning to cry with JESUS, to not hide, but to let HIM into my pain.  I am experiencing what it means to have NO condemnation for those who are in CHRIST JESUS.  This I know, understand, and choose to TRUST.  For this very reason, I keep choosing to seek HIM.  I keep surrendering all that I don't understand, surrendering all that hurts me.  I keep crying out to JESUS to please help me.  I keep pressing in and through my deep well of faith that HE has created and cultivated deep within me.  I keep writing, and signing my name to HIM, as I pour my heart out to HIM.  Ravah (my new name given to me by HIM) means immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  For this very reason, I keep moving forward, asking to be transformed, renewed, and refined even more.  As at the end of this life, I want to BE KNOWN by my faith, that even when my son died, even when all that has happened to me, I still chose JESUS.  That if you knew me, encountered me, you would have SEEN JESUS in me.  You would have SEEN HIS LIGHT SHINING in me and through me.  So that ALL PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY would be HIS.  

There is still so much I don't understand, and I struggle to TRUST, but I've learned that HE has a plan for that too.  HE delights in me, and well if you're reading this, HE delights in you too!

Precious Dear Ones,

It's not if, it's when, as deep loss affects everyone of us.  While my grief is childloss, there is also, widowhood, orphaned, sibling loss, job loss, divorce, and even loss of a beloved pet (who to many are family) My fervent prayer is that my life is a reflection of HIS Graciousness towards all people.  That the same kindness, patience, and consideration are given to all of whom I encounter.  I pray that in sharing my story, it will be ALL FOR HIS GLORY

In the deepest love, respect, understanding and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

New Song

It would be so easy for me to give up when life becomes so overwhelming.  It would be easy for me to lay down and just check out with mindless tv watching.  It would be easy for me to stuff all the pain that I am experiencing, and just stuff until I am numb. It would be easy to self soothe, and to just do whatever makes me feel good.  Well, it would be easy, until the reality of how self-destructing all of that actually is.  This I've learned, and well if I am being honest, I am continuing to learn. 

Heartwork continues of consumption, and releasing my self-management role, over to HIM WHO Is more than capable of handling ALL of my life.  HE is my creator after all, the AUTHOR and PEFECTOR of my FAITH, the reason I am still alive, the WHY I survived ALL that I have.  And if I really think about what HE has been doing, and is continuing to do in my life, I am realizing more and more that surviving was NEVER the plan.  So, even when, even though, I am so overwhelmed by the next layer being pulled back, for me to shed, I am learning to know and TRUST that it is ALL for my good.  

This morning, HE has led me to learn a NEW SONG- "My Story Your Glory" By Matthew West

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In all things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One reason WHY I'm livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR Glory

ALL of me, ALL for YOU

Let ALL I say and ALL I do

Point to the ONE WHO changed my life

And let me speak the legacy I leave behind

My Story, YOUR Glory

My Pain, YOUR Purpose

My Mess, YOUR Message

In ALL things, I know YOU'RE Workin'

One Life, One Mission

One Reason WHY I'm Livin'

ALL for YOU, NOT for me

My Story, YOUR GLORY

Truly HE is in the details of my life.  Working ALL things out for my good.  Because HE is just that good.  My life is so drastically different from where it was just 10 years ago.  As 10 years ago I had just spent almost 2 years unpacking and processing the loss of my son.  This coming Tuesday will be 12 years, and WOW have things changed.  This I know to be TRUE as last night I was given the opportunity to sit amongst a group of my sisters in CHRIST as one of us shared, and shed tears of agony as she unpacked, and processed the loss of her own son.  Together with 15 other women we held space for this precious sister, and held her story, her tears, her agony, and called on JESUS and HIS ANGEL ARMIES to surround her, to help her, to flood her with HIS PEACE, to give her grace to grieve, space to grieve, to cry, to mourn.  Tears fell for her, and with her.  And I, well I was honored, to not only hold space for her, but was honored and blessed to pray for her, and to intercede on her behalf, because I knew those tears of agony.  I knew the questions of why, and how could this possibly be the plan.  Processing how it was that she is to live without her son.  I recognized her pain, her tears, and the deep sorrow that has now become a part of her.  And I prayed, and thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS that I knew HE was and will ALWAYS BE for her as well.

I guess you could say this is healing.  This is what it means to be alive. "To be among the BLESSED to Mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4, that quite honestly when I began my suffering journey, I felt everything but blessed.  I felt cursed, and betrayed, as the pain was excruciating.  I thought I would surely die from how bad the pain ripped through me Slowly over time though, HE rescued me from the deep dark abyss of agony, sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE brought me to the survivor's shore to recover, learning first how to sit up again, then to stand, then to walk, and after 7 long years of immense suffering HE began to teach me how to run again, how to TRUST again, how to speak life over myself and others again.  HE gave me my life back, brought me back to life, as I started not only seeing HIS goodness in the land of the living, but experiencing it for myself

With each new step HE took me, each new layer being revealed, HE sang a new song over me.  Sometimes it would be multiple new songs in a short time span, and other times, HE would have me meditate, pray about, and ruminate in whatever song HE was teaching me.  Suffering has been the hardest part of my journey that I have had to endure each and every day.  It's something that I haven't been able to escape or pray away.  I couldn't stuff it enough; I couldn't numb myself enough.  I couldn't outrun the pain, I couldn't hide from it, as I have shared in the past that the very moment, I realized that even if I were to get on an airplane and fly to the other side of the world, there I would still be, and my heart would still be so utterly broken, and I would still be desperately missing my son.  

I've come to a place of understanding, and well I guess you could say mostly peaceful that I won't know the answers to my questions until the day I step into HIS GLORY.  Until then, I will repent, surrender, ask, seek, knock, pray, and wait....... I will write, speak, and live out my faith for HIM.  I will face each day with HIM, walking hand in hand with HIM. I will keep my eyes open and focused on HIM, as to NOT miss HIS goodness that HE has for me to experience here in the land of the living.  Even if it means with tears in my eyes, and well as of right in this moment of time, i am flooded with tears daily.  

HE has been so merciful to me to teach me how to be honoring in my grief.  HE has lovingly held me in the deep sorrow as I take each new step with every milestone I am facing.  As just last night, I was ordering groceries for this next week, and on Tuesday we're planning on having Seth's favorite foods.  When it came time to order go-go squeezes, I couldn't find the flavor he loved, and I broke into tears when I realized the enormous variety that is now available.  The more I searched for his favorite foods, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more I felt HIM pull me even closer to HIM.  Even as I type the memories of our last meal with him, I'm crushed, as I didn't have any idea it would be our last. 

If only, I could go back, if only I could have known, I would have held him longer.  I would have said I love you a million more times.  I would have kissed JESUS with him a million more.  I would have held him so close to me.  I would have memorized everything about him.  If only.... for one more moment, one more dance, one more jump, one more up up up, one more mama me me me.  If only.... gosh 12 years, it's so unreal... seemingly a lifetime ago...... and so yesterday.  

Precious Dear Ones,

JESUS is near, HE is so very close.  HE is waiting for you to reach for HIM, as HE is right there ready to hold you, to help you, to heal you.  Lean back in HIS arms and feel HIM pull you even closer still. Your tears, your pain, your struggle, all that you have endured, ALL of it matters to HIM.  You, yes, YOU matter to HIM, and HE loves you with a deep everlasting love.  HE has good plans for your life, plans for healing and restoration for your JOY, HOPE, and PEACE.  HE is ALL of those things for you, and when you don't understand how, or why, well HE WILL show you, HE delights in showing you just how deeply loved and cared for that you are by HIM.  Dear Ones, with JESUS you are NEVER alone, NEVER forgotten, HE is there with you, singing a new song over you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time. JESUS loves you even when, and even though, no matter the evens HE loves you.  Do you hear HIM saying your name?  HE is, and HE is right there waiting for you, with open arms, without condemnation.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love compassion, empathy, and deep gratitude,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

waterfall

 "Who told you that?"  Genesis 3:11

It wasn't enough for HIM to FREE me, to REDEEM me from the lies that stole my ability to just grieve, to just cry, to just miss, to pour out the sorrow that has piled up in my soul.  No, HE had even more healing for me to receive, to feel, to experience, to live out, to thrive through.  Another level, a new layer, of sorrow, sadness, agony, and the deepest pain buried within me is being released.  

When I wrote manager last week, I thought the only thing I was managing was my grief for my son.  Well, that is until two nights ago when a moment, an unexpected conversation with D brought out the deepest pain that I've never spoken to anyone, not even my therapist.  Not in all the years, all the therapy offices of which I've poured my heart out have I ever spoken about what I endured, what was done to me starting at age 2.5 years old.  Where I was still a baby girl, who didn't have agency to make my own decisions, and I was at the mercy of the people who were put in charge of caring and nurturing of me.  

Without warning the hardest deepest pain began to pour from my eyes, as my chest felt so heavy.  I struggled to breathe through the sobs, as all the years of abuse that I endured at the hands of the person put in charge of raising me.  The horror's that I experienced and endured, the pain and agony that at age 4 I couldn't even cry.  I couldn't cry out, as I realized no one was going to come to save me.  I was alone, this was it, and it was all I could do to just survive.

D sat silently next to me handing me tissues, listening as the details that I had kept hidden, buried so deeply poured out of me.  It was as those I was standing under a waterfall of tears, only it was me I was the waterfall. The tears were releasing 46 years of traumatic events that occurred almost daily for me.  Lies buried, that kept me locked in a prison unable to escape, instead I became acquainted with my chains, I welcomed the security of knowing the boundaries of gagged tears, pain that what was once so sharp, became dull, and familiar, to where I just learned to accept it would always be apart of me.

The LIE- the blanket statement that I've made many times over the past decade or so of my life.  "I was raised by a pedophile from the time I was 4 until I was 15."  That's it, that's all I would say.  Just like I would say, "Hi my name's Heather and my favorite color is blue."  Just typing that out, I feel HIM pull me even closer still.  I hear HIS voice, "Precious Dear Heart, I never intended for you to just swallow your tears, to manage the worlds perception of how well you managed your pain.  I never asked you to just live with it or just get over it.  I never asked you to minimize your pain, so who told you that?"  

This was the question that awakened me from slumber this morning.  That while waking up singing "I know my REDEEMER lives."  I knew HE was doing something new, but I was still unpacking what it was that HE was wanting me to know, to understand, so that I would be able to TRUST HIM.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is bringing me back to the beginning where my agency was stolen, and in order for me to survive I had to learn to swallow my tears, thus becoming a waterfall. Pain and tears swallowed because releasing them, talking about it would be too much for anyone to hear about, much less do anything about.  Afterall during the time of the hardest most intense moments of abuse I was in counseling for other matters of abuse from age 2.5. Even in the context of a counselor's office, someone who was supposed to be "trained" to SEE, well I was hidden in plain site.  In the few times where tears fell from my eyes, I quickly masked them under the guise of anger, about something trivial.  As to not being attention to the hell on earth that I was enduring, and merely surviving.

"You weren't called to Manage Hell in your life, HE assigned you to confront it" 

 Joanna Beck

This quote really spoke to the current battle I find myself in.  If I am being honest, I am quite tired.  I am worn out from crying since last month.  This month of October is truly kicking my butt.  The missing of my son has increased, and the pain of losing him is rising to the surface, as more milestones of what should have been, but aren't assault my mama heart.  I'm also watching each of his siblings miss him and grieve him in their own way.  As well as his daddy, who misses his little dude so very much.  This next week on Tuesday will be the Threshold of 12 years of living without Seth.  12 years of clinging to HIS garment, holding tight to HIS HOLY PROMISES. and experiencing HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.

For the past 5 years of my life, HE has begun to release the waterfall of pain that I have buried as to not offend anyone with the amount of pain inflicted upon me.  Part of releasing my pain has been learning what spiritual warfare actually looks like.  Confronting the lies that have oppressed me from a very tender age.  Lies that have wrecked me, playing as a broken record that caused me to take on more that I could possibly bear.   Lies that told me it was all my fault, and all my responsibility.  Lies that kept me imprisoned, paralyzed in thinking I was too much, yet not enough.  Lies that kept me from receiving the LORDS love that is just.for.me.  Lies that have been silenced by HIS TRUTH, that I have released the emotions attached to each wound that HE has brought to the surface for me to release to HIM.  The pain, that I've buried, not only for child loss, but all for the loss of my own childhood.  

HE is REDEEMING ALL that has been stolen.  Thankfully not all at one, because well HE is indeed merciful to NOT inflict that amount of heartwork upon me all at once.  Rather tenderly, gently, compassionately, because of HIS DEEP INTENTIONAL, UNCONDITONAL, ENDLESS, EVERLASTING LOVE for me.  HE has poured HIS strength into me to understand why I am wearing HIS ARMOR, why HE is having me release my own self armor to HIM, so that I am prepared to fight as HIS warrior daughter, as I know I am a daughter to THE KING.  I know WHO I am, because I TRUST WHOSE I am.

I am continuing to BE SET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.... ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Precious Dear Ones,

HE SEES you, HE knows you, you are HIS, a daughter, a son, to THE KING.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to restore, renew, redeem, and refine you.  To give you beauty for your ashes.  So that you will be able to testify that it has only been because of HIM that you been kept alive.  That only through JESUS because of JESUS you've endured, you've fought, and you've survived.  May you know that you were created for so much more than just a mere surviving existence.  May you allow HIM to search and know your heart, for you to surrender ALL to HIM.  To bring you to a point where you can say, "LORD JESUS whatever that is in me, that is NOT from you, take it out of me."  Should today find you with tears pouring from your eyes, as managing your pain the way you always have isn't working anymore, may you know that you too are a waterfall meant to pour out, to release the pain buried so deep within.  Dear Ones, HIS plan for you is deeply personal and is just.for.you.  May today be the day you ask HIM to come into your heart and allow HIM to begin a good work within you.  May it be that if you have already asked HIM to come into your heart, may you experience HIS goodness as you SEE HIS SOVEREIGN and MIGHTY hand at work within you and your life.  May today be the day where you begin to heal from what has been done to you, may you experience HIS tender, gentle, and compassionate love that is just.for.you.  May you TRUST HIM, even with your anger, as HE can take it, all of it.  ALL of your questions, worries, doubts, and even your fears.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to help you through ALL of it.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, empathy and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

manager

Her raw honesty, sharing her heart of how my story, the loss of my son scared her.  That hearing my story has caused her greatest fear to rise to the surface to be front and center.  I watched as she spoke, tears stream from her eyes.  I knew she felt horrible about what she was feeling, and even more so sharing and speaking it out.  As I sat and listened to her relay her deepest fears, I fought the urge to comfort, and ending up doing so a little, and then I felt HIM pull me even closer, letting me know HE was there with me.  I knew HE was doing something new, but I hadn't a clue as to what it was.  By the end of our time together my own tears were rising to the surface, and all I could do, was flee.

I made it out to my car before the dam burst, and I found myself wailing tears of agony.  I couldn't understand why or what was happening to me.  The more I tried to calm myself and prayed for my tears to lessen the harder I cried.  Memories of Seth's car seat flash before my eyes.  Remembering the moment where D lovingly said to me that we needed to move his car-seat as to make room for our company that was with us for our 1st Christmas without our son.  My sobs of agony shook my body, as I remembered the woman at church, her response to my broken heartedness that morning at church.  I had bravely shard the pain of having to move Seth's car seat, how his Tweety Bird, and blanket wouldn't be seen in the rear-view mirror, and my tears just poured from my eyes.  Her response, "He is so much safer where he is now than he ever was in that stupid car seat."  Her words filled me with instant regret for speaking out my grief, and unbeknownst to me I swallowed her words, and shame and guilt took the place of grief that day, and every day thereafter ensued an overwhelming challenge for me to learn to manage my grief as to comfort those around me, not to upset someone else's good day with my sadness, sorrow, pain, or agony.  

As I began to process what transpired yesterday with the woman crying about how my story affected her, I knew HE was doing something new.  Here's the truth, I, Heather since October 19, 2014 (the day D and I laid our son's earthly body to rest) made an agreement that I would be the Manager of my grief.  This is because within the first two weeks of losing Seth I would experience well-meaning people say some of the most horrible things to me.  Their words, not ill-intentioned were stupidly muttered, with no thought of the implications of what they were saying, other than they wanted to shut me up.

The truth was then and is now, that most people who meet me, or who have known me before or after are very uncomfortable with how much I am willing to openly grieve.  Not only that, whenever someone new hears my story of the death of my son, it's as though child loss is contagious.  They just can't seem to grasp how I'm even still alive, as they for sure would have died if it were their child.  How they wouldn't get out bed in the morning, or how they would have to been buried with their child as they would've thrown themselves on their child's casket. Well-meaning well-intentioned people have also told me that I needed to remember that I had other children to love and care for.  My response, well in my head "thank you captain obvious what would I have done without you reminding me of the very thing that I am battling to not give up, to keep going, for them not to lose me too."  In my head I said this, in reality, I swallowed their words, their judgement, and I cried even more because I knew life would be hard, I just never realized how cruel it would be.

Prayerful, prayer filled people said some of the harshest things to me.  One of my deepest pains being told that the way I was grieving was offensive to them. That they felt as if though I didn't appreciate their prayers and support by the way I was grieving.  I swallowed those words and made a vow not to trust anyone with my thoughts or feelings about losing Seth.  Even now as I sit and type this blog, I remember specifically a moment during a group gathering that D and I attended together where my mental state was discussed.  That the words were spoken that I needed to promise to go on medication and stay on it forever, so that the group would be able to handle doing life with me.  Never realizing the words said to me were absorbed, swallowed and began to wreck me pulling me further away from wanting to even continue living, not because I wanted to die, rather because the pain of just merely surviving was more than I could bear.

The reality is this, I could write an entire book about all the horrible things said and done to me through well-meaning people.  However, thankfully HIS PLANS are far greater than mine, and HE is leading me to remember so that I may surrender my role as manager of my grief.  Through surrender, HE is teaching me that HE never intended for me to carry their words, their opinions, their actions, not a single moment of anything from someone else on my own shoulders.  That HE is preparing me for this second half of my life to LIVE FREE - FREE from isolation, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment.  This I am learning starts with Surrender and leads me to the Hard and Holy work that awaits me.  

So here it is, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is letting go of the role as manager of my grief, so that I will continue my journey of pursuing HIS peace.  That when words are said that are unkind, accusatory, or judgmental, I will know I am to observe what is being said and release it to JESUS.  That I don't have to, nor was I ever created to absorb all insults, judgements and lies spoken about me, or to me.  I am learning the life changing difference of observing vs. absorbing.  At first, I was taken aback that the LORD would want to REDEEM all that was stolen from me in grieving my son, however when I took a closer look at what I know about HIS character and promises to me and for me, well I'm not surprised, and I am humbly grateful.  I am thankful to know that HE truly is keeping HIS word to me, HIS HOLY PROMISE that is my life verse "Being confident of this, that HE WHO began a good work in you, will carry it on until the day of completion of CHRIST JESUS."  Philippians 1:6

This I know. this I've experienced, this I've lived, this I am living proof of right in this very moment of time.  CHOSEN on purpose to GLORIFY HIM with my life, with sharing my JESUS STORY.  A hard and heavy story, where HIS character and promises are on full display, as the story didn't stop with the death of a beloved child, rather HE left the 99 to reach HIS one-of-a-kind beloved child.  My story may not be full of rainbows, puppies, and unicorns, however it's full of endless grace, mercy, and peace.  I've survived some of the hottest fires meant to burn me alive.  I've endured every parent's worst nightmare, and I've overcome things that would burn others alive.  All because of JESUS, and that is why I write, why I share, why I continue to meet HIM in OUR HOLY QUIET PLACE, for HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  ALL FOR HIS GLORY is how I choose to share my JESUS story, how I want my life to be remembered.  That on that day when I step into HIS GLORY, HE will look at me, and say, "well done good and faithful servant."

Precious Dear Ones,

I don't know what your tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds ALL of your tomorrows, as HE is the ONE who holds ALL of our tomorrows.  Should tomorrow be the day where suffering enters your life, and your heart is broken, I pray that my story, my faith shared will inspire and encourage you to cry out to JESUS.  Maybe your life has already been irrevocably changed and you're struggling to even get out of bed.  Maybe the pain you've endured has caused you to isolate and pull away from people.  Maybe you've given up on life and have decided you'll just survive until you die.  That maybe if you tip toe quietly, not draw attention to yourself, keep yourself small, don't talk too much, and try your best not to be too much, then maybe, just maybe you'll be able to make it just one more day.   Precious Dear One, YOU- yes, YOU are worth far more than a just maybe existence.  YOU are NOT too much for JESUS, YOU are NOT a mistake, YOU are NOT the mistakes you've made.  The chains, the bondages, the vows, the lies, ALL of it are not the end of YOU- HE has far greater plans for healing and freedom for you.  HE knows why you stack the bottles or maybe stash the bottles.  HE knows why you swallow the pills and steal to get them. HE knows the weight of guilt and shame you carry in keeping the lie.  HE SEES you striving for acceptance, HE knows the performance, the intricate song and dance you do every single day to keep up appearances that you are indeed okay, for if anyone truly knew the real you, they would run.  HE knows why you shop and why you STUFF yourself, your home, your family, and your life and those around you.  HE knows the addictions you have been battling, the one where you promise "this is the last time."  HE knows what you've had to do to maintain your lifestyle, and HE knows what you too have become the manager of.  HE knows the pain you are masking, and the pain you STUFF deep down, and why you self-medicate and even why you self-harm.  HE knows why you began to take things, to help you cope, to help you survive another day.   HE knows, HE SEES you, not as a thief, not as a failure, but as HIS BELOVED child.  Dear One who is reading this, HE loves you, HE knows and HE has good plans for your life.  Cry out to JESUS, ask HIM to BE the LORD AND SAVIOR of your life.  HE is there waiting, HE loves you.  HE will fight for you, HE will teach you to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  This is my fervent prayer for every soul that reads this GOD Breathed, Heaven sent blog post.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, empathy, and deep compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

don't give up

The easiest thing for me to do is to isolate.  To shut down and shut out the world.  To go silent in my faith, to hide away from all that hurts me.  To swallow my tears, to stuff the pain, well that is until...... I come to the end of myself once again.  Suffering I've decided is by far the hardest cross I've had to bear.  It's the hardest way of living that I've ever known.  Having to survive the agony of the death of my child.  Forced to say my hardest goodbye.  Standing at the gravesite, pulling myself away from the truth of my son's earthly body being lowered into the ground into his temporary resting place.  Walking away forever, irrevocably changed by the horrors that my eyes have seen.  Waking up every morning that I am one day closer to stepping into HIS GLORY, where HE will wipe away the tears from my eyes, and I will know that my time of suffering has come to an end.   

I long so much for that day and until then, it's when I've reached my limit of, I can't do this anymore.... HE whispers deep from within the Heaven's "Precious Dear Heart, Don't Give Up. I know you're tired.  I know how much it hurts.  I know you're in pain, I know you're weary from being so brokenhearted.  I know Precious Dear Heart, and I'M here.  I'M here to help you, to hold you, to heal you, to comfort you, to give you MY peace, to SHINE MY light for you to SEE.  I know how heavy this walk has been.  I promise I WILL always give you the strength to endure.  I WILL provide ALL you NEED to fight the battle's you are facing.  I'M in this with you, I promise I'M NEVER leaving you, I'M never forgetting about you.  You don't have to carry this alone.  I'M in it ALL with you.  You can TRUST ME, I'M here, Don't Give Up on ME"

This past month has been extremely heavy and challenging.  I've felt the distance between HIM and my heart.  I've struggled to pray, to write, and it seems all I have been able to do is cry.  This I am learning is because HE NEVER intended for me to learn to just cope in suffering.  HE never intended for me to just cope and hurry up and get through the suffering as to not make anyone around me uncomfortable with my grieving.   HE is letting me know that its time, as I've made it deep into the belly of grief, where I am remembering not only that Seth died, but even more that he lived.  My memories have slayed me; my tears have become my food. and I've found myself crying tears of agony once again.  As the memories of my last moments with him play over in my mind, and heart.  Things that were buried the day I walked away from the grave, where I detached myself from the pain of having to say my hardest goodbye.  Recognizing and verbalizing that a part of me died and went to heaven with Seth when JESUS called him home.

Soon, it will be the 12th year of Seth's homecoming, and honestly, I find myself so brokenhearted in the reality of that.  So much I miss him so desperately.  I miss not having suffering as my companion, who stays with me, who at a moment's notice causes tears to stream from my eyes and pool as oceans at my feet.  Suffering that makes me so attuned to what breaks HIS heart, the FATHER'S heart, which causes me to mourn for the brokenhearted.  For I know full well what it's like to be so immensely brokenhearted.  My tears are no longer just for me, but for the heaviness that I discern, because through my own suffering my spiritual eyes have been opened.  My heart aches and yearns for the world to know, to SEE JESUS as it's LORD and SAVIOR, how this life is impossible to avoid suffering.  This I've learned, for I know suffering doesn't discriminate, for NO ONE in this life escapes from suffering at some point in their life.  Even if they are able to avoid relationships, they suffer in loneliness and isolation, with lies of oppression of abandonment, betrayal, jealousy, and bitterness.  ALL cancers to the soul, which drive a precious being to cope through addiction, and ultimately when coping no longer works they give up entirely.

This I know, I've experienced in my own life, and have the blessing to hold the stories of so many of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  When I sit in rooms praying on their behalf, calling on JESUS name, for HIS ANGEL ARMIES to cover their life.  As I watch JESUS in DIVINE ENCOUNTERS leading the oppressed to freedom and healing.  I have witnessed to many precious moments where JESUS has met the last, the least, the lost, and the forgotten.   Where HE has invited me to go on the mission of leaving the 99 to reach HIS ONE.   I have had the opportunity to cheer JESUS on, as I SEE HIM set the captives FREE.  The very same FREEDOM that I have experienced in my own life.   This FREEDOM that I've had to learn to fight for, to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Daily putting on HIS ARMOR Ephesians 6:10-20.  I've learned to pray PSALM 91 in the times where safety is an issue as fear is all consuming.  This is the way HE has equipped me to CRY out to the HEAVENS for help, for myself and for my family, specifically my children.

I have learned that when I surrender my weakness to HIM, that is when I get out of the way, and HE leads me.  For I know full well it is HIS Strength that is enabling me to keep going, so that I Don't Give Up. This morning I was awakened at 5:55am to come meet HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE.  Where HE met me right where I was, as I poured my heart out to HIM. Through worship music, HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over me. through back-to-back worship song's titled, "Don't you give up on me" one being HIM telling me not to give up, and one where HE knows I'm afraid of HIM giving up on me, for I am so very tired and worn out from suffering."  

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is this:  keep going, keep trusting, keep praying, keep believing, keep pressing in, keep pressing through, keep surrendering, keep opening up, keep seeking, keep asking, keep knocking, keep my eyes on HIM, keep going precious Dear Heart, and Don't Give Up.  Truly HE knows how homesick for Heaven I am.  HE knows how tired I am from all the hard and holy work that HE has called me to do.  HE knows how worn out I am from crying.  HE knows how desperate missing Seth has become within me.  HE knows how deep the longing for relief and reprieve goes.  HE knows what I NEED before I even ask.  HE knows that I NEED comfort in the pain and sorrow.  This I am learning is why JESUS is called the Man of Sorrows, NOT because HE takes it from us, rather HE sits with us, in it, enduring the suffering with us.  This is how I know HIS word to BE TRUE, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Precious Dear Ones,

It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know JESUS in a deeply personal way.  That you will open your heart to HIM, and you will have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER with the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, JESUS CHRIST of NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH.  I pray that you SEE JESUS in a new and tangible way, that the lie of you were alone in those moments, that HE will show you right where HE was, and where HE has steadfastly remained with you.  HE knows the pain that you hide away, tucked away that you only allow to show to select few.  HE knows the tears you swallow as to not draw attention to yourself.  HE knows why you reach for the bottle of alcohol, pills, and why you're self-harming.  HE knows why you stuff yourself with shopping, and eating addictions. HE knows why you binge watch TV, shutting out the world., and HE knows why you engross yourself in gambling, and gaming addictions to comfort and soothe yourself.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has good plans to set you FREE from those addictions, for HE wants you to know that HE is your portion.  HE knows why you do what you do and what you NEED.  Comfort, peace, relief, and fuel are ALL provided by HIM, and without HIM, we will keep accepting the counterfeit conveniences that are slowly destroying us.  Eating for fuel, has been a HUGE part of HIS HOLY RESET for my lire, and just as HE has done for me, so will HE meet you right where you are, even if it's dark and messy.  Even if it's in anger and bitterness, even if it's in your hatred and disbelief in HIM.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE wants to help you, to hold you, to heal you, and to comfort you in only a way that HE can.   HE knows the way, HE has walked your path to healing, to a new life, a new way of living, and HE'S waiting for you to open your heart to HIM.  The choice is yours; the invitation is deeply personal just.for.you.  The plans HE has for your life is ONLY for you, HIS one-of-a-kind BELOVED CHILD.  Do you believe that?  Do you even know that is how HE SEES you?  If not, ask HIM and HE will tell you, and even more, HE will show you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and empathy

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

common ground

"Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.  To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some."

1 Corinthians 9:19-22

I always just assumed that HE had me writing HIS DAILY TEACHINGS as a way of me telling my story of what HE has done for me.  To inspire, to motivate others to give their lives to JESUS by just reading my writings.  What I am learning though is so much more.  I am learning that in every situation that I have endured through hardships, tests, trials, and deep sufferings, that my healing isn't just for my benefit, rather to help JESUS reach the last, the least, and the forgotten in letting the brokenhearted, the wrecked, and the battle weary know that HE SEES them.

Honestly, I thought HE would only have me write about my encounters with THE ONE TRUE LIVING GOD, not that I would actually be a part of the rescue.  This became especially true when my son died, and my mind was blown and I thought, "well this is it kid, forever until you die, you're going to cry, grieve, and mourn, and that's it for you."  I didn't SEE any other way, I hated the plan, and I was so devastated that this was my life now and forever more.

This morning, as I began to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, I couldn't help but smile, as I began to SEE my life once again in between the scriptures.  I smiled and thanked HIM once again for surprising me in a new and tangible way, as I began to soak in HIS TRUTH even more of the purpose of my life.  

I am honored to say that in every situation that I have endured, HE has let me know HE will not waste an ounce of it.   HE is taking me back through all the things I've gone through, showed me that in the way that HE taught me, is how I am able to SEE others through HIS eyes.   It's how I am able to write and share of HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living.  

More than ever, I am SEEING the world as HE does.  More than every I am discerning WHO is in NEED of prayer, kindness, compassion, and tenderness.  Mostly I am SEEING WHO NEEDS to experience HIS UNFAILING LOVE.  I am SEEING how HE has instilled in me a common ground to help win souls for JESUS CHRIST.  I am truly living out HIS HOLY PROMISES for my life in every situation that I am encountering in my every day.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am truly experiencing what it means to have Monday Morning Faith.  To be in constant and continual prayer for all the saints.  For all the lost souls that are in NEED of a DIVINE ENCOUNTER.  I am truly living a life that I have prayed for all these years that I have been following JESUS.  More than ever, I am really starting to grasp the full commitment I have made to TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART.  I have learned and will continue to learn what it means to NOT lean on my own understanding.  I am learning that HE has revealed to me the common ground on which I stand here in my life, doing my part in the body of CHRIST JESUS to help build HIS KINGDOM here on earth as it is in Heaven. 

Knowing this, I know that as much as I am answering HIS call for my life, my humanness, my selfish ambitions still get in the way.  As sometimes, even though I have common ground, I get frustrated and I forget how I NEEDED JESUS to show me, and I NEEDED JESUS to heal me, and I NEEDED JESUS to set me FREE, and how I NEEDED JESUS to RESCUE me from the mess I made, in the horrible choices I made in choosing my FREE WILL over HIS WILL for my life.  More than ever, I am remembering how many times I've made a mess in choosing to hold onto grudges, to be angry, react in anger, and frustration.  I'm remembering falling so very short of HIS GLORY, and I truly remember all the times where I have shut down, shut out even JESUS in my life because well, hadn't I suffered enough?  Didn't I do enough?  "Oh LORD JESUS help me to get my eyes off of me, as I've done NOTHING without you. "

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ"

2 Corinthians 10:5

I know that it is imperative that I take every thought captive as how quickly my eyes will turn to me, instead of HIM, and I will allow myself to wallow in my own self-pity.  I will self-destruct in my pride, and my selfish ambition.  Knowing this, I am grieved, I hurt knowing I choose this in my humanness.  Therefore, I take EVERY thought captive when I find myself spiraling and I SEEK HIM, cry out to HIM, to JESUS to please HELP ME, as I am a sinner in NEED of a SAVIOR and JESUS is my SAVIOR.  

I am learning it is imperative that I continue to pour myself into a deeply personal relationship with JESUS so that I will become more like HIM.  To be willing to just sit in the quiet of our HOLY PLACE, and just listen, and wait for HIM to speak to my heart.  Tio allow myself to be encompassed in HIS HOLY PRESENCE and let HIS PEACEFUL PRESENCE wash over me.  This I know full well will be a part of a DIVINE ENCOUNTER that will require common ground between myself and whomever HE has sent my way.  

This is especially true in the capacity in the ministry of which I serve.  In the way I am no longer a consumer of the congregation at the church I am a part of.  Rather I go to WORSHIP HIM, and to pray intercessory prayers on behalf of the souls who are struggling to worship in their suffering, As I remember all the times where I struggled to sing of HIS GOODNESS, where I questioned whether or not HE truly was for me.  When my tears poured like rain, and I came undone in front of my brothers and sisters in CHRIST, and in their desperate attempts to fix me, to help me, prayed pacifying prayers that only drove me further into the pit of despair.  Encounters of "trying" to find common ground that led me to isolate even further.  This I know, I've experienced, I've lived, and because of that I know HE has created in me a desire to have common ground with the brokenhearted, the lost, the last, the least, the forgotten, the betrayed, the angry, the shutdown, the isolated, the lonely, the grieving, the ONE WHO HE will leave the 99 for, for them to have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER with JESUS, to BE SEEN, HEARD, KNOWN, and to experience HIS DEEP LOVE that is just.for.them.

Precious Dear Ones:

HE SEES you, this I know to BE TRUE.  I know HIS PROMISES are indeed HOLY, and that HE is STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to remain with you no matter what.  HE loves you and wants to help you.  HE wants to set you free from ALL that burdens you, hurts you, and keeps you in the pit of despair, full of sadness, sorrow, and pain.  HE wants to free you from the anxiety and depression that has taken over your life.  HE is sending HIS LIVING VESSELS, HIS kids to help HIM reach you to win your soul, to reconcile you back to YOUR HEAVELY FATHER, YOUR ABBA, YOUR CREATOR.  HE has a plan, will you trust HIM, will you let HIM rescue you?  Maybe, just maybe the person whom you have common ground with NEEDS you, or maybe just maybe you NEED them.  In ALL ways, you both NEED JESUS.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, tenderness, kindness, and common ground,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

completely floored

"When Jesus had finished this sermon, the crowds were astonished at His teaching"

Matthew 7:28

I can remember the second time I went into treatment for child loss PTSD.  I along with 3 of my children were seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with CPTSD, a double whammy (diagnosis carried over from my grief therapist) from my childhood, and then child loss.  A diagnosis that she prescribed two different medications to treat clinical depression and anxiety, as well as a sleep aid to help me stay asleep through the night.  

In my third month of treatment the solution that was given to me was that I would never hold a job, heal from PTSD, or be able to do anything more than just staying at home, raising and loving my kids, and basically just surviving my life until I died.  This is where the lie of HOPE for HEAVEN was solidified, as I had succumbed to the pit of despair in losing ALL HOPE FOR LIVING as I had already been begging, pleading and crying to the end of soul for JESUS to please come back. I was crushed by the solution, as I knew somehow, someway I had to do more than survive, but I didn't know how.... the only thing I knew was WHO.... JESUS.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has been a culmination of the last almost year and half as HE has taken me through a HOLY RESET and has brought me to place of complete and total healing in my clinical diagnosis of anxiety and depression.  Honestly, I'm completely floored. and astonished by HIS GOODNESS, and HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.  I am blown away by HIS amazing grace and tender mercies poured out for me to step towards healing and learning to THRIVE here in the land of the living.  It is because of JESUS that I am no longer suffering alone, I'm no longer suffering in grief triggers.  It is because of JESUS that I am able to BE ALL IN, to surrender fully, knowing full well what could be asked of me.

Honestly, thinking about what could be asked of me, should scare me, however because of JESUS I have been completely floored by HIS GOODNESS.  What I mean to say is, even if, even when, or even though the worst possible thing could happen again, honestly, I know whatever it may be, if I'm meant to survive it, JESUS will carry me through it.  That not only will I survive, but I will experience HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living once again.  I know full well that no matter how much it hurts, I will survive, if it is to BE HIS WILL for my life.  I will survive, ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

I have learned in the hardest of ways to TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL MY HEART.  I have been completely floored by HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS, and I'm so grateful to know, to TRUST that I am indeed BLESSED to mourn.  Not that it's a blessing to suffer, rather it's a blessing to suffer with JESUS.  Not that I am thrilled to be hurting, in fact I'm quite exhausted by grief, however I've learned to cry out to JESUS, and HE will give me HIS strength to endure.  

It is now the month of September, and October is on the horizon, staring me down, and the enemy is wanting me in shambles., drowning in a mess of tears.  JESUS though, has completely floored me with how HE has set up not only the month of September, but what is coming this October.  Such as holding HIS hand and keeping my eyes opened to experience ALL of HIS GOODNESS that HE has planned for me.  To not just pray the next few months away, or to want to shut down and shut out the world because living through another year is too painful.  

More and more I find myself being completely floored by HIS goodness, by HIS HOLY PROMISES that have been deeply personal just for me.   This theme of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to remain has been on repeat in my every day of my life for as long as I've known HIM, and even further back, as in the moments where I let HIM into the deepest hidden pains within me, HE has healed me, poured HIS TRUTH as a soothing balm that heals me so much it's as if though nothing ever happened to me.  

Through being completely floored by HIS GOODNESS I have experienced immense healing and freedom.  So much, that I am now able to write from a place of TRUE CONFIDENCE as I know WHOSE I AM.... I know WHO I AM in CHRIST JESUS.  HE has restored me, revived me, healed me, set me apart, and is leading me to pray for the people whom HE has planned for me to encounter in this life that I have been given.  I am being completely floored by HIS plans for my life, as this past year and half has been WILD, and has left me speechless so many times.

So much HE has changed every aspect of my life.  HE has healed me in my body from high cortisol from stress and has brought me to a place of almost a ninety-pound weight loss.  So much that whenever someone sees me who hasn't seen me in quite some time ask me what I did, my response is, 'It's what JESUS DID, it's not me, and it's ALL FOR HIS GLORY."  So much I have been completely floored by ALL the GOOD PLANS HE has had for my life.  Plans that I prayed for, hoped for, but never really thought they would come true, as I had little faith for healing in that way.

Precious Dear Hearts,

Perhaps today should find you all cried out, desperate for relief, and reeling from the irrevocable changed you've been forced to live for your life.  Maybe you've decided to follow JESUS for the 1st time, even though you opened your heart to HIM many years ago.  Perhaps you've felt the conviction to ask, seek, and knock, and you're heart's desire has become to know HIM more, and for HIM to grow your faith even more.  Do you know HIS PROMISES are HOLY, and are deeply personal and just.for.you?  Do you know that HE has good plans for your life?  Will you TRUST JESUS, and be ALL in?  Perhaps this is the beginning, your beginning of being completely floored.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, tenderness, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

even more

 Yesterday, during worship in church we sang about " ALL I want, ALL I NEED is MORE of YOU and less of me, take my life, LORD it's YOURS, have my heart, have it ALL."  As I raised my hands in surrender, I was reminded to open my hands to release that of which I was holding onto.  In the next moment I knew HE was bringing me back to the moment in my office on the morning of October 13, 2014, where I stood ALL in, proclaiming I trusted HIM with everything.  When I promised to go wherever HE leads me, that HE saved my life, and I TRUSTED HIM completely.

As always, my eyes welled up with tears, as I knew what it meant to surrender fully.  My eyes scanned the room and watched the hands raise high in the air, and I cried out in my mind to HIM, "OH LORD JESUS do they know what they're fully surrendering?  Do they know what is being asked of them?  Please don't teach them the way you taught me, please JESUS."  

As I wiped away my tears, I felt HIS tender presence surround me.  I felt HIS gentle, and kind hand take mine, comforting me, as HE knew why I was crying, and what my tears truly meant.  HE knew how my heart was broken on the worst day of my life.  HE was there with me, then, and now in this moment where my mind was flooded with all the even's that Ive had to learn to embrace.  The even if, even when, even though, through all the even's that I could think of.  

Yet, this morning as I sit here and write this very post HIS loving reminder is bringing me back to me pouring my heart out to HIM this morning in my journal.  Pen to paper I wrote, "LORD JESUS, how I love YOU.  How I love YOUR WORD.  I crave to know even more. To draw near to YOU even closer still"

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is HIM pulling me even closer still to know that there is indeed even more for me to know, to experience, to live.  That just when I think I'm starting to really understand what HE is doing, and has been doing in me, for me, and through me, I'm finding out there's still so much more, even more that I could possibly think of, dream of, or dare to ask for.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"

Ephesians 3:20

Today HE is wanting me to share what is required when you go ALL IN with JESUS.  What you're really surrendering.  Your life, your health, your marriage, your children, your job, your finances.  ALL of it, all that you hold tightly to, that is the very thing HE is asking you to surrnder.  I know this as I have had to learn in the hardest of ways, yet truthfully, I find immensely comforting that even if I were to lose as the world says we lose, I have gained so much more, even more than I ever knew could be possible.  Going ALL in has brought me to a peaceful surrender for myself, as I have learned that I am NOT in control of much of anything in this life other than my own thoughts, words, and actions.  I have learned that I cannot be anyone else's HOLY SPIRIT (this has been a suprisingly tough challenge for me, because I just want to help people whom I've discerned are battling lies of oppression.) 

I have learned that it's much more about what I pray to HIM WHO is actually able to do immeasurably more than I could think of in my humanness., HIS TRUTH that I NEED on repeat, to continuously remind me that HE is the SOVERIGN LORD, NOT me.  HIS TRUTH that even though I have been careless, or thoughtless with my words in the past, even in my prayers, by just praying pacifying prayers which is really just me going through the motions.

If I am truly wanting even more, then I must understand the commitment that is required of me, the dying to my fleshly desires to be liked, or adored by people As words of affirmation are what I have craved since I was a little girl.  This is because of the abandonment lie that was breathed into my soul at a very tender age.  However, because of JESUS, I have been set free from that very lie, and I am now standing confidently before the LORD going ALL in, wanting, asking, seeking, for even more.

Through obedience I am learning what is required is truly letting go of myself and picking up my cross to follow HIM.  That I have prayed to BE able to mourn with those who mourn, to love as JESUS does, and if I am truly committed to doing HIS WILL, and HIS WAY, to truly obey HIS commands for my life, I must meet with HIM daily in our HOLY QUIET PLACE, where I draw near to HIM, and HE pulls me even closer still.

HE is letting me know that if I am asking for even more, then even more will be asked of me.  Not because HE wants me to be unhappy, or rigid, rather so that my heart's desires will be aligned with HIS.  So that my focus will be on HIM, and ALL that HE is doing, so that I won't crave attention, or adoration for myself, rather I will have a pure clean heart, to do ALL things ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

I am continuing to learn that ALL in requires me to take every thought captive, and allow HIM to renew my mind daily, sometimes even multiple times a day.  Continuously, constantly making HIM 1st in ALL that I am doing.  Asking myself, is what I am consuming, does it exalt HIM?  Am I giving HIM ALL THE GLORY HONOR and PRAISE that HE deserves, or am I trying to skim off the top of my offerings to HIM, for HIM?  Am I merely just saying I crave even more so that it will appear that I fully invested in becoming more like HIM, or am I truly committed to do whatever it takes... even if.... even when.... even though???

In a moment while talking with my 17-year-old son last night, I said, "I'm not asking you to do, or go anywhere, any place where I haven't gone myself.  I'm not encouraging you to fight for your freedom in ways that I haven't already done myself.  I'm just letting you know that I was only able to learn to fight to get FREE to BE FREE, and to stay FREE because of JESUS.  HE helped me, showed me how, and HE will for you too."

Precious Dear Ones, I only write about my experiences, of what walking with JESUS has been like for me.  I write because I was once a person whom the busses of life were always running over.  I was as my husband likes to say the "underdog."  It was in the crossroads of my lfe, where I chose to RUN to JESUS, and my life has NEVER been the same since.  I write to share HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, as HE is the AUTHOR and I am HIS LIVING VESSSEL.  Willing, committed, to go ALL in, for even more.  Dear Ones, it is my fervent prayer that you as the reader of this blog, will be encouraged to go ALL in, to seek HIM, to know HIM in a deeply personal way.  I pray that you will have tanglible encounters with HIM, as you read these posts.  I pray that you will know that you are NOT alone, that HE with you.  That HE SEES you, HE knows you, (even the smile that you fake to appear okay.)  HE knows that happy face you show the world, and the tears that flood your soul.  HE is with you, and HE has a plan to help you, to hold you, to heal you, to RESTORE your soul.  May today be the day you allow HIM to lead you beside the still waters, to lie down in the greenest of pastures as HE RESTORES your soul.  May today be the day that you begin to crave even more.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, tenderness, compassion, and deep empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather