My latest breakthrough happened two weeks ago, and just like my first I completely blew up, and exploded like a volcano. Since that closet Wednesday D and I have been a new journey with CHRIST as the center of our marriage. We have been reading a marriage devotional, as well as doing a marriage bible study together.
It has been through both of these, that the truth has been revealed, and I have to say that some of it, eh, well okay, ALL of it has been a tough pill to swallow. Throughout the past week of this study many questions and answers have come to light, and frustrations have been revealed. Things that neither one of us knew about the other. One of my biggest struggles in my marriage to D is trust. Not that I think he is going to leave me, but trust that I can be my true self. That I am able to fall flat on my face, and won't receive criticism from him. However, D is a solution's guy, always needing to fix what is broken, and critiquing is his specialty. He has been a computer programmer for the past 16 years, and has just recently started a new phase of his career as a consultant for a software developing company.
D's new career change has come with it's challenges. First with moving our family of 7, and girls have to go to new schools. Then came the daunting task of finding a new church to call home. It took almost four months for us to finally be able to say that we found a place to call home.
For the past 10 months I have been on this journey and seeking HIM Daily to show me how to live my life. I have been so excited to share the amazing things that HE is doing in my life, and I haven't been able to share it fully with D, as he really hasn't had any time to hear it.
For the past 5 years D has become extremely busy in his career, and has had to put it before our marriage, and our family. Resentment of that has been festering in me, until finally I couldn't take it any more. I wish I could say that I spoke lovingly, and "tried" to communicate in a productive way, but as you know I wouldn't be able to write out HIS Daily Teachings if I had. No, I made a mess out of things, but out of the ashes HIS beautiful message is being written.
In the first part of our spiritual walk D was the stronger one of us two. He was the one who read his bible daily, and who prayed for me to help me get through the trauma of my past. He was my rock, my provider, my protector. He devoted ALL of his free time to raising our children with me. He never had guys night out, or just sat and watched the game. He was always looking for ways for us to connect as a family on a deeper level. This is what I had grown used to, and made me fall in love all over with him again, and this time it was a much deeper more meaningful love.
When we moved to a new home two years ago our lives were the complete opposite of what I just wrote. D had been working 100+ hour weeks, missed church often, no longer prayed out loud for our family, and really seemed to disconnect from all of us. We had been through the loss of our house, bankruptcy, our daughter was ill, and a scary pregnancy and delivery of our first son. Not too mention that after all that we suffered our 2nd miscarriage, of which would take me even further away from him, and GOD.
HE has revealed to me today that D moved us, in an effort to save our family. He knew that we were unhappy where we were living, as we didn't feel safe, and our house didn't have a yard for the children to play in. Just like D, he found us a much bigger house, with a big yard, and moved us to a town where we would all feel safe. We called that place home for two years.
It was in those two years that we would be blessed by the birth of our second son, and would find another place to call home and that was our church. Before long we were all serving at our church, even D, but his heart wasn't fully in it, as he was struggling with balancing it all. When it all became too much for him, he sat me down one night and said, "somethings gotta give, I can't do this anymore, I don't think I've ever been more unhappy with our life than I am right now." This crushed me, as I loved our church, and so did our children. I kept thinking to myself, "surely GOD YOU won't move us now, NOT when we are so firmly planted and rooted here, LORD please change him."
Two short months later I ironed D's clothes and straightened his collar and kiss him goodbye as he headed off to his interview. Right before he went into his interview I felt a gentle nudge from GOD telling me to pray for D. I prayed for GOD's will to be done, as I was "sure" what GOD's will was for our family.
Six hours later D called me to tell me that he thought the interview went okay, that he didn't think he would get the job, but that he felt it was good practice interview. It was then that I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief, that we wouldn't be moving. What happened next would rock me to my core, and it took until today, through HIS Daily Teachings in showing me WHO D is through HIS eyes.
Fifteen minutes after we hung up the phone, D called me back to let me know that NOT only did he get the job, but they wanted him to start right away! By the time he got home the news was shared that we would go on vacation and as soon as we got home, he would pack up and leave to start his new job. It was decided that the children and I would join him 2 short weeks later.
Once we moved animosity reared its ugly head, and fights began that we had never had to deal with before. Not only was I sad, but so were the kids, they were acting out, and so was I...... as I sit here writing out what life has been like since our move, I am embarrassed, as I haven't set a very good example of how to support the people you love when the blessings are being poured over their life, and you can't see it happening in your own.
My jealousy that D was living out his prayers, was a tough pill to swallow for me. Very quickly he became busy once again with his new job, only this time, he wouldn't be away from us, he would be in the same house as us. Currently D has been working round the clock with a client, and as he explained it to me yesterday, "in the world of business the clock doesn't stop."
Last night we had plans to see a movie that we have tried to see three times since Valentine's Day. However, D was working with a client, and the more his phone rang, and the more he stayed locked in his office, the more I prayed.... "LORD, please help me be content that he is doing what needs to be done. Help me to be the loving and supportive wife D needs." Over and over, till I was sick of listening to myself I pray that.
HE is showing me this morning that I handled last night well. I didn't place blame on D for a situation that was out of his control. HE has let me know that instead of praying "LORD please change him," I must be saying, "LORD please change me." This is hard for me, as I have been the one with her feelings hurt, as he hasn't had much time for our family, let alone for me.
The other night my bitterness came spilling out about how much resentment I had that D was so devoted to his job, not only that but I told him that I didn't even feel like he loved me anymore. Over and over I pointed out everything he was doing wrong. It was during that time that D admitted to not wanting to encourage me, or even talk to me, as here I am writing out this blog saying how GOD is working on me, but when it comes to our marriage, I'm NOT willing to budge?!?!? YIKES!!! That my friend's was a tough pill to swallow.
Today I am so incredibly thankful for HIS grace, for do-overs that I get every single day. Today HE is wanting me to know that changing me is important, because it is MY STORY, and NOT D's. HE is wanting me to think about how much grace is extended to me when I make mistakes, and just how much I need HIS grace, every hour, of every minute, of every moment of my day. So if I know that about me, then why do I act so surprised to hear that D needs the same thing? Instead of saying, "well why can't he be more attentive, and why doesn't he say I love you, and why don't I always have to be the bigger person, and why this, and why that, and how come..... and blah blah blah blah blah....." HE is wanting me to know that I need to be the one WHO is attentive, to say I LOVE YOU, be the BIGGER PERSON, and the why, the how, the what, and the WHO starts with me. HE is wanting me to know that if I am needing change in my life, in my marriage it has to start with me, as I am the one in need. HE is telling me that when I seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through my marriage to D, HE will draw me close to HIM, and in turn my love for D will be a reflection of HIS love, and it is then that I will be able to see D through HIS eyes.
HE is asking me to TRUST HIM this morning that HE has HUGE, AMAZING plans for my marriage to D. Therefore, I must choose to NOT be feelings lead, and instead, let HIM lead me, and let HIS truth be revealed of WHO D is, what D does, how D feels, and let everything happen in HIS timing, as HE has proven to me time and again that HIS timing is perfect.
D said to me the other night, "I know this is hard for you to hear coming from me, but I still need you to be my wife. I need you to love, respect, and support me. I know I make mistakes, and I know I have checked out, but I'm in this, I want this, I want you, and I want our family. Please, please Heather be patient with me."
"So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33
It has taken a lot of tears, and prayers on my part to be able to fully understand and appreciate D's honesty with me, and to have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to allow me to see D through HIS eyes. HE is wanting me to know that if ever I doubt whether or NOT I can be patient and wait, and be content while patiently waiting, all I need to do is soak myself in HIS word, and HE will be my light, and will give me the strength I need to persevere through the trials in my marriage.
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13
Though I may not know what the future hold for my marriage to D, I do know who holds my future. I know that I was born to be D's wife, and he was born to be my husband. In the loving words of D "GOD knew, HE knew we would just click, we would just work, it's meant to be, it's right, it's all right with us."
I pray today that if you are struggling in your marriage, and are desperate for change, seek HIM, and ask HIM what HE wants you to do. I pray that you will be able to see that HE will only tell you what you need to do. I pray for healing and restoration for your marriage, and pray that you both will come to know HIS love, HIS unfailing, grace filled, mercy given love. I pray for the lines of communication for you and your spouse to be opened, just by you opening your eyes to see them through HIS eyes.
Blessings,
Heather
Heather
Dearest Heather, thank you for pouring your heart and soul out to us nearly every day. You can't imagine how many times I have read one of your posts and felt like we were living similar lives. Thank you for this post especially, as the timing and message were just what I needed.
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