tears of reverence.....

If you have been following my blog since the loss of my son, you will know the significance of the song "Cornerstone" and what it means to me.  If you haven't it is the song that I sang in our truck on the drive home to tell Seth's siblings that he was now with JESUS.  It was 8pm, and D was driving, the truck was eerily silent, and all I could do was sing, and the first song that came to mind was "Cornerstone."  "My hope is built on nothing less, than JESUS blood and righteousness.  I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly trust in JESUS name.  CHRIST alone Cornerstone, the weak made strong in the Savior's love.  Through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of all."

Nothing could have prepared me for the storm that we were driving into, and just how long the storm would last.  As the weeks unfolded, the shock and horror of that fateful day were like daggers to my raw shattered heart.  As the months passed, the wound still raw started to heal for a few moments at a time.  I went from crying every hour, to every two hours, to the day where I went a full six hours without crying.  Then crying because I made it six hours without crying, and it felt like I was leaving my little boy behind.  Then as the months turned into years, I found myself walking into the third year without Seth.  The raw wound had finally healed, but just beneath the surface lay all of my sorrow, hurt, and pain that I must live the rest of my life here on earth without my son.  

Three years ago I began to cry tears of agony, which led to tears of anger, and onto tears of sorrow, leading to tears of memories, and now I have reached a new level of tears and those are tears of reverence.  Last Friday night during worship we sang "Cornerstone" and instead of crying from tears of memories of the worst day of my life, I cried tears in knowing that the words of the song were TRUTHFUL TRUTH FILLED, as they are so very TRUE for my life.  I cried because in thinking about just how far I have come in healing and recovery I know it is ONLY because of HIM.  I cry because of HIS unconditional love for me.  

I remember crying when the next phase of healing came in the form of medication, and just how betrayed and angry I felt that it wasn't enough to lose my son, deal with his loss, and the utter devastation that my family had gone through.  The living nightmare that was our daily reality, the harsh words, the criticism, the frustration that I wasn't better, had accepted yet, hadn't moved on, hadn't chosen JOY and happiness.  I was angry, frustrated, and pretty much hated everyone and everything.  I remember crying when people would call me out on my anger, as if though I had offended them personally, which was never my intention you see when you live in darkness like I have, living in the deepest ocean of grief and sorrow you don't really care how anyone else feels, or single anyone out.  Any and all people who smile, have happy moments you find yourself hating them, jealous of them.  It wasn't as if though I chose to hate people individually, rather I hated everyone equally.  Nothing personal, other than my pain, which to me was so devastatingly personal, and couldn't talk about it well, or explain it well, which left me feeling frustrated, angry, bitter, and alone.

For months the anger was so deep within, that is until I was completely exhausted from hating everything and everyone, being angry, and bitter, the jealousy was wrecking any semblance of peace that I so desperately needed.  Finally I cried out to HIM to please take away all of this anger that was destroying me, and fill me with HIS peace to endure, to heal, to recover, and please ask HIM to please show me the way and the steps that I needed to take in order to move forward in my life.

It most certainly wasn't easy, in fact in ways it was more difficult, as in weaning off my medication was proved to me the most challenging thing I faced.  As the medication masked my feelings, didn't allow me to feel the magnitude of everything that was going on around me.  Stepping back into my role as Mama and wife proved to be overwhelmingly challenging, as so much had happened and transpired in my three years of basically being checked out of being in a daily routine as Mama and wife.  Slowly though, through HIS loving SOVEREIGN hand HE led me through the steps that I needed to take to heal, and recover, and before I knew it I finally felt well enough to stand at my kitchen sink and do my first load of dishes for the first time since before Seth died.

Washing dishes was only the beginning.  Next came laundry, and that was a daunting task, and overwhelmed me as I wondered how in the world I ever managed it before. Finally with the help of my loving husband, I learned how to manage that, as we still tag team it today.  Next came make a grocery list, learning to cook again, how to multi-task in the kitchen was incredibly difficult, as my mind was still learning to process during pressure situations.  I say pressure as the kids are hungry, and demanding, and whew, praise JESUS for HIS grace.  One of the hardest things I had to relearn in cooking was chopping and prepping, as I hadn't realized just how much I had forgotten how to do.

It shouldn't have been such a surprise to me, as when I went to drive shortly after Seth died, I had to relearn how to drive my truck.  So in dealing with PTSD I have learned to give myself grace in relearning things that I once knew, and being thankful that just because I did something someway before, didn't mean that I couldn't do things differently.  So much in fact that when I look at myself now, I'm NOTHING like who I was then.  From the way I wear my hair, my makeup, my clothes, my writings, my prayers, and my tears.  Though I still cry tears of sorrow, and memories, most of my tears today are tears of reverence.

I cry not because of how different my life is, rather I cry because of WHO HE IS, and WHAT HE HAS DONE for me in this journey of loss.  I cry because HE is sharpening my mind to do what HE has called me to do, and for the fact that HIS unfailing love is giving me the strength to continue on to persevere through each new test, trial, and storm that I face.  I cry because I know that even though I am facing challenges, I know that HE is with me every single step of the way.  I cry because even when my world is spiraling out of control in my mind, I know that HE is SOVEREIGN and is in control, and all I have to do is lean into HIM, and press into HIM for courage and strength and wait on HIS perfect timing.  

Today my tears are of thankfulness for HIM allowing me to remember my sweet Seth Daniel in my dreams.  For the past two days and I've had dreams about Seth as a tiny baby.  Dreams of which have both awoken memories that have been kept lovingly by HIM until I was ready to remember.  Today I am so grateful for my LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER WHO knows whats best for me, and WHO'S light is shining on me, in me, and through me to share of all of HIS goodness and what HE has done for me.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  I pray today that you will know that if your heart is breaking, that you will know HE is with you.  HE is holding you, and waiting for you to cry out to HIM.  I pray that you will find yourself someday on your journey crying tears of reverence as you are able to look back an see how far HIS love has brought you.

Always my sweet friends, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

~ Heather 

eclipsed....

If ever I begin to wonder whether or not HE's still working in me and through me, behind the scenes where I can't see, writing, walking through my future before I even get there, HE always shows up in the biggest way.  What seemed like a normal conversation with my brother yesterday, found me this morning searching for answers, and for HIM showing up, meeting me right where I was in letting me know exactly what my heart has been wrestling with.

I should know by now that though I think I'm just going to have a light hearted conversation full of laughter with my brother J, HE always shows up, and joins our conversation.  Never do we have a talk that doesn't include, prayer, struggles, and sharing WHO HE is with each other.  Telling our stories of what HE has done, is saying in that moment, and will do in our future our conversations are of us cheering each other on.  It's truly remarkable, as we didn't start off our life like that together. So much in fact that being close couldn't have been further from the truth of our childhood.

J and I are two years apart in age, and both of us equally have had our share of tragedies.  He has walked through some of the darkest hours of anyone I know, and he has been there for me as I have walked through mine.  He has found love, and has built a great life for himself, and most importantly he has found JESUS, and has been saved from this broken and fallen world.  HE has equipped J to be a part of the 5% in my life.  

Five percent in my life are the people who are able to say the things that are hardest for me to hear, but who love me, and know that HE only wants what is best for me, and will follow HIS lead and speak straight to my heart, which usually wrecks me in the most glorious of ways.  Though there are times where it takes me a while to receive what is being said to me, and when I finally do, I find myself feeling more loved, more wanted, and more cherished.

Yesterday was no exception in hearing what I needed to hear, but not necessarily what I wanted to.  I began to share with him about how I keep getting tripped up on the circumstances of my life.  I shared my struggles of losing sight of HIM, and when I do, I fall flat on my face, and usually make such a mess of things.  I was frustrated at my lack of focus, and that is when he said "HIS light is all around us, in the darkest places, even in the most deeply hidden of spaces, HIS light is SHINING, and HE is our LIGHTHOUSE, never can we ever go so far that we can't look up, look out, look back and SEE HIS LIGHT.  We get so wrapped in our lives, that we forget the Author, the Creator of our lives."  

Our conversation continued with me telling him how much I struggle telling my story.  As if though its just so full of tragedy, and that is when J said, " tragedy yes, but don't forget, TRIUMPH, your story is TRIUMPH over tragedy."  He went on to encourage me that it's not about the tragedy that makes my story, it's about how it's been only through HIM that I have survived, that I have TRIUMPHED.  We said our goodbyes, I love you's, and hung up, and then I pretty much laughed at the thought of me triumphing over anything as I only feel like a hott mess.

All night J's words echoed in my mind, and little did I know how HE would use J's words to speak straight to my heart this morning.  I only had my phone and my journal with me, as I typed in the google search bar.  What does the bible say about triumph?  There I would be led to an article written by a sister in CHRIST about how to awaken Trust, Truth and Triumph within.

"Why is it that the slightest crisis can so easily eclipse our heart?"  There it is right there, man those words resonated with me, this is what my struggle is.  So many times I wake up, ready to face the day, to walk the day with HIM, and then BAM!  Crisis enters our home in the form of sibling rivalry, disrespect, and sometimes just plain crabbiness.  Whatever it is, it distracts me, and before I know it my heart, and my mind become eclipsed by my circumstances.

Not really sure what that statement even meant, I began to seek HIM to SEE what HIS word says about that as I would soon find out that having my heart and mind eclipsed means to lost sight of HIS light shining all around me.  This morning HE has led me a journey of what happens to me when I allow my circumstances to overshadow HIS light.

This very thought breaks my heart, as that is the furthest thing I want to happen, as I know that without HIM I wouldn't have survived any of my darkest hours without HIM.  That even when I didn't yet know HIM, HE was there working on my behalf.  Writing the most beautiful story of Salvation, Redemption, and Rescue in capturing my heart.  My story of HIS unfailing love encompassing me in HIS unending grace, renewing, refining, restoring, and rebuilding my TRUST in HIM, and CONFIDENCE in WHO HE IS, so that I will remain CONFIDENT in WHO I am, as I now know, and have experienced WHOSE I am.

This morning HE is taking me into HIS word, showing me the scripture that HE rooted so deeply in my heart, so that in times where I lose sight of HIM, I can remember and know WHO HE IS, and what that means for me, for my life, my story, that HE is bigger than my circumstances, and with HIM and through HIM, even when I find myself eclipsed all I have to do is cry out to HIM, look and SEE that HE is there with me, and HIS light will SHINE on me, in me, and through me to continue on my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is letting me know that I struggle so much with HIS word, and fully trusting HIS word, because in my humanness I fail, and sometimes refuse to fully render all of my HOPE and TRUST in HIM, and for HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows, and wants me to realize and ask myself this question, do I trust HIS pace, HIS process, HIS timing?

YIKES!!!  Wow, do I wish I could say YESSSS without any doubt, worry, or fear, but then that would mean that I don't need HIM, and well because I so desperately do, I won't lie to myself and say yes, rather I will pray, "LORD JESUS help me to fully render all of my TRUST and HOPE in YOU."

I have to be honest that it's been almost seven hours since I wrote that last part.  As soon as I typed that, prayed that, HE led me straight into HIS word, HIS heart to SEE what HE was really asking of me.  

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart  you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:17

For the first time in six years I found myself struggling to what HIS word was saying, so I decided to google it to see what someone else's take was on it.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to learn.  HE is wanting me to know that when I sin.... it breaks HIS heart.  HE is telling me that HE knows I'm sorry for when I sin, yet instead of rendering my heart completely, I keep strong with the flesh in making excuses as to why I've sinned.  HE has revealed to me that even though I "think" I'm really sorry, I haven't had my heart broken from my sins.  HIS word today is teaching me that until I am heartbroken over what breaks HIS I won't be able to fully put my TRUST in HIM, as in keeping myself from surrendering fully to HIM, I won't be giving HIM my whole heart.

Just knowing that makes me cry inside as I so do want what HE wants, but there's just one teeny tiny problem.... I am soooooo human.  Thankfully as I have learned HE is so full of mercy, grace, and love.  I feel today as if though I need to be telling myself, "Fasten your seat belt Heather, this is going to be one wild ride."

I so desperately want to TRUST HIM, yet I keep falling into the same trap of losing sight of HIM, as I get too comfortable in my life, living as though my only purpose is to be a mom and wife.  I become eclipsed by my wants and needs, and my families wants and needs.  My daily routine of laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping,watching tv, all distract me, and in those distractions come even more things to distract me, and drag me even further away from HIM, and HIS calling for my life.  

If I really stop to think about what I waste time thinking about, doing, and talking about, sheesh..... I'm embarassed.  All of it leaves me feeling so low, as I NEED HIM, yet I waste every gifted minute I am given with HIM.  Okay so not every minute, yet since this New Year I've vowed to seek more of HIM, so there will be so much more of HIM and so much less of me.... oh and did I mention I'm a slooooooow learner?  

I often wonder what HE must think of me as HE SEES me become eclipsed and SEES me fall hard on my face, and watches me try to fix things my way, and become frustrated and cry out, "why LORD, why have you forsaken me?"  To which HE reaches down, picks me up up and dries my hott mess face, and lets me know it's not that HE's gone anywhere, I've just allowed myself to become eclipsed.

HE is teaching me this morning, that HE knows how much I struggle, but that HE doesn't want me to focus on the struggle, rather focus on what HE is telling me, and doing what HE wants me to do.  HE is wanting me to know that when I seek HIM, HE is more than ready to teach, lead, and guide me in my journey so that I will then be able to experience the GLORY of HIS presence.  HE is telling me that HE knows what I need for each step I'm going to take, even when it's something that catches me off guard, HE is NEVER caught off guard.

"Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

HE is once again reminding me of a song that I often sing while doing my daily routine as a mom and wife, so that I don't get caught up in anger that I'm doing the same thing over and over each day.  HE is wanting me to know that it's not because HE wants to punish me by playing that song in my heart, it's because HE wants me to learn it, and wants me to understand how imperative it is that the song will become the cry of my heart.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,  and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"Create in me a clean heart O GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Create in me a clean heart O GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from THY presence O LORD, Take not THY HOLY SPIRIT from me.  Restore unto me the JOY of THY salvation, and renew a right spirit within me." 

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  friends it is my prayer that my story is an encouragement to you that no matter what you may be facing today, that you will know that you are never alone.  I pray that whatever you are facing today, that you will seek HIM and rend your heart to HIM, and allow HIM to work in you and through you.... even if it hurts, as in my experience of being HIS daughter is that when it hurts, is where HIS love needs to soothe that hurt, that ache.  I pray that if you are feeling like a hott mess, then pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee and breathe as you are in great company.  I pray that you know that if ever there is a way I can pray for you, or you are in a need a friend, know that you can always email me, or comment and I'd be honored to communicate with you. I pray today that if you find yourself eclipsed I pray that you will come to know the HIS mercies are new every morning, and HIS grace is sufficient, and when you are ready HIS light will be shining bright for you, all you need to do is look up and SEE.

 Always my dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

never without HIM.....

Telling my story is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  So much in fact no matter how many times I tell it, it doesn't get any easier.  What I mean is each time I tell my story, though I am thankful for HIS mercies being new each morning, and HIS unfailing love relentlessly pursuing me, a fear that strikes my heart each time is this, what if... what if the worst thing were to happen to me again, what if once again I will become a victim, continue to be a victim, and what if I will always fear victimization?  

This thought came to me this past week while at a friends house.  It was 7pm and I was on my way to get groceries, and realized that I also needed to fill my cars gas tank.  I was going to be alone, and suddenly I dreaded not grabbing one of my kids to run this  quick errand with me.  Dread consumed me, as I knew that I wouldn't make it there and home without putting gas in my car.  Simple task, yet it held such tremendous fear.  Fear of being alone at night, vulnerable in the dark, what if LORD, what if the next horrible thing lurked in the shadows for me?  

Fear was rising up in my throat as I began to pray and ask for strength, protection, and vision to SEE beyond what I could SEE with my own eyes.  I prayed that I would have the courage to do this seemingly simple task as I made my way to the gas station.  I'm happy to report that nothing even remotely exciting, terrifying, or the like happened at all, as I successfully put a full tanks worth of gas in my car.  What did happen though was HE poured strength into me to stand tall, and not fear the night, as HE assured me that HE was with me.  When I got out of my car the fear was so overwhelming for me that I even contemplated only putting in five dollars worth.  Thankfully with HIS strength also came HIS wisdom that if I was going to face this fear of the dark, the unknown, I needed to face it all the way, and complete the task to the fullest. 

This is just one of the examples of fear that rules over my life.  Fear that the enemy has kept me trapped in, Fear that has knocked me down and out, and has kept me from getting back up again for quite a while.  Fear that has kept me silent, afraid to speak, afraid to move, as if somehow that would start a chain reaction to bad things happening in my life again. 

Today while sitting in church I felt HIM say to me, "I am with you always"  it was as if though HE was reminding me that I didn't need to fear, as no matter where I go in my life, no matter what trials, tests, and storms I may face, no matter the cliffs, the oceans that I encounter, the darkness that threatens to consume me, all of what I face is NEVER without HIM.  

HIS Daily Teachings today has been HIS Blessed Assurance that  I am NO longer a slave to the fear of victimization.  HE has lovingly reminded me through songs of worship that I am HIS child, and that even if, or when bad things happen, I'm NEVER alone, nothing that I face will ever be without HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that even though I am weary from grief, HE is promising that HE will always be there for me, HE knows how tired I am, and how I wish so badly in my own human understanding that I could conquer grief, today HE has let me know why thats not really what I need, rather I need to press in and press through to HIM and allow HIM to work in me and through me, through my grief, to reach the last, the least, and the lost.

HIS loving reminder today to me is this, though I will never conquer grief in this life, I wouldn't want to, as if were to accomplish that, then I wouldn't need HIM, and since I know that this is HIS purpose for my life, to SHINE HIS light as a Survivor on the SHORE for the brokenhearted, I know that I the only way to reach people in the darkness, is by letting HIM teach, lead, and guide me to BE HIS LIGHT, and in knowing that I know that I will NEVER be just a victim, rather I will be  SURVIVOR, and when my time on earth here is through, I WILL BE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR, and WOW what a GLORIOUS DAY that will be!!!  

While worshiping today tears welled up in my eyes, but never fell. The more I sang the more tears welled up, and I realized that the reason why I wasn't crying is because my emotions weren't of sadness, rather of TRUE JOY, as I have survived, HIS mercies have been made new each morning for me, and HIS grace, HIS love, HIS joy, HIS peace, have all carried me through my darkest hours, and have led me safely to the distant shores, shores of the shipwrecked, the shattered, the brokenhearted.  The souls who live with heartache, who live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and though each of us find ourselves pulled back into the ocean by waves of grief, HE is there, always bringing us safely to shore.

My time spent in the ocean has taught me about WHO HE IS, and WHO I am, and has sustained me with HIS promises for HOPE and a future, of which I have clung to in the times where the fear that had a vice grip on my heart almost won.  Yet no matter how strong the fear was HIS love, HIS perfect, unfailing, relentless love pursued me, captured me, and rescued me.  With each step of total dependence I took with HIM, HE led me even further into the ocean that is without borders.  

Today HE is wanting me to know that fear of abandonment is very real in my heart, and though I don't really speak of it, HE knows and HE want me to live with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE is with me, and there will NEVER  be a single moment of my life that I will be without HIM.  HE is telling me that I need to let go of fear, and worry for today, tomorrow, as to whether or not HE will provide, as HE's already been through today, and HE has walked through my tomorrows.  HE is reminding me that my life has already been written, on purpose, for HIS purpose, all for my good, and all I have to do is surrender, seek HIM, and and TRUST HIM that HE has amazing plans for my life.

This all seems pretty easy, however I am so human, and in my tiny human brain and understanding, I worry, I fret, I fear, I covet, I want, I need, I.... gosh I'm completely self centered when it comes to me,  I want new clothes, the food I want, the makeup I want, the stuff I want, me.... me..... me.....  I cringe writing that all out.  Thankfully HE created me, and knows how self centered and focused I am, and is letting me know that HE has a plan, but it will take sacrifice from me, sacrificing my incessant wants, and allowing HIM to provide for my every need.  

I know this, I've lived it from time to time, yet foolishly I forget WHO HE is, and forget that I can't buy happiness, stuff won't fulfill me, won't fill this void that grief has created, and all it really does in knock me off the path that HE is leading me on, and each time I find myself lost, I have to start all over again and learn to focus on HIM, and letting go of me, myself, and I.  

My greatest stronghold is stuff, as that is how I have grieved the loss of my son.  Not just stuff for me, but stuff for those I love, those who are hurting right along with me.  Though I am getting better about praying about the desires of my heart, I am still struggling with trusting HIM completely and in knowing that HE led me straight to hear a message of HIS word to tell me, HE knows, HE'S with me always, and even though I think I am, I feel I am, I am NEVER without HIM.

  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

Today my Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that if you find yourself in need, I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM fulfill your needs, that are designed specifically on purpose for you.  I pray that you will have the courage to let go of doing things your way, and allow HIM to teach lead and guide you on the path that HE has chosen for you.  I pray that if you are struggling in the darkness, I pray that even though you may feel alone, I pray that HE will cover you in HIS presence, and all you will experience is relentless, unfailing love, so that you will be able to SHUT OUT, SHUT UP, and SHUT DOWN, the lies of the enemy who's sole purpose is for you to feel abandoned.  I pray that you will come to know JESUS as I know HIM, and know that when you accept HIM in your heart as your LORD and SAVIOR that you will experience more love, more peace, more grace, and even more mercy that will help you work through the trials, tests, and storms of your life.  I pray that you will be encompassed by HIS peace, and that you can begin your journey of joyful dependence.

Always my dear friends, with so much love compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

equipped through heartache.....

The circumstances in my life have once again brought me to my knees.  So much this past week I have cried.  Cried from tears of sorrow for not only losing Seth, but losing each of us.  Our relationships with one another, with Seth, and the heartbreaking changes that our family has had to accept, and learn to live with in facing the daily challenge of coping with heartache..... living with heartache has been the most challenging thing for me as a mom and wife.  

Last Tuesday the guest speaker at MOPS was a pastor's wife, and mom of four.  She was talking about the importance of self care, and soul care for mom's.  Self care as in eating healthy, exercising, getting plenty of sleep etc.  Soul care in doing what makes you happy, and makes you feel alive.  She challenged us to think about those things, and all I could do was cry, and die a little more inside as I so desperately wanted to have normal struggles.... which to me means having absolutely NOTHING to do with heartache.

I began to write my desires down on paper, pleading with GOD in my heart, please send someone to share her story, and with that I felt HIM speak deep into my wounded, weary, aching heart.  "Oh Dear Heart do you not SEE, do you not realize?  I AM equipping you to BE that someone.  You Dear Heart, when you seek ME, I WILL teach, lead, and guide you to share what soul care for the mom who lives with heartache looks like,"

That should have been enough confirmation for me, however because I am a slooooow learner HE led me straight to church last night, to the same chair I sit in week after week, and right there in my brokenness HE met me.  The message was about RISE UP, TAKE COURAGE, words that made me weary just hearing, let alone thinking about.  When the message was over an alter call was made to anyone who needed prayer, it was as if though I couldn't get there fast enough. With tears drenching my face, my hands, my clothes, and the floor, I cried the most I have in church since the day I said goodbye to Seth.

I don't really know who prayed for me, or what they even said, all I knew in that moment was that I finally felt free enough to cry it all out.  As the song continued, I look up and saw the stage, the spot where Seth's casket was placed, and I remembered that final moment before they closed it that I was able to kiss my sweet little Sethie goodbye forever until we meet on the bridge into forever.  I remember feeling so defeated, and cheated, and just completely overwhelmed that everything that I had done prior to Seth's death still didn't prevent him from dying.  

This morning as I sat at my desk writing out my pain, I felt HIM say to me, "I know you are weary from sorrow, sadness, pain, and strife.  I SEE you struggle as the waves of life knock you down.  I SEE you get knocked down, and I want you to know that it is I that reaches down and helps you back up.  Do you, Heather, not trust ME that I will pick you back up? Have I not proven to you that I AM trustworthy?  Do you still view ME as a taker, the ONE who asks of you, and never replenishes what I ask you to let go of?  Do you still view ME as the ONE WHO broke your heart, who abandoned you?"

Words from my heavenly FATHER that wrecked me this morning, as my heart has tried so very hard to be accepting of all that has transpired, and TRUST HIM with everything, yet here I am once again falling to pieces, drenched in tears, worry, fear, and overwhelming doubt.  It is overwhelming to me that HE knows what I am thinking even when I don't have the courage to admit it.  HIS words leave me saying "Yes LORD I feel so confused as to why YOU allowed so much pain to be inflicted upon my family."  

To which I felt HIM say "I know that it is so hard for you to live with the memories of the day Seth died.... Trust and know Dear Heart I will help you tell your story.  MY light will SHINE in you and through you and that light will be shone in the darkness of grief, sorrow, sadness, loss, and will teach, lead others how to live with their own heartache.  All of this will be for MY GLORY.  I will equip you as you lead others to healing in sharing WHO I AM and what I have done for you, and will do for them. I know Dear Heart that you are weary and just want this to be over, but TRUST me Dear Heart that I have a plan.  MY plan is to carry you through this heartache, teach you to soar above your circumstances, to BE MY warrior.  I have created you to BE the ONE whom teaches others to walk and to live with heartache in a humbling, and honoring way.  I will give and restore my purpose, my mission, my plan for your life to LIVE out with seeking, and proclaiming JOY in the Heartache.  TRUST ME Dear Heart that I working on your behalf and SEE that I am doing a new thing in you and through you, as you Heather are MY BELOVED,CHOSEN,LIGHT SHINER and my most PRECIOUS MASTERPIECE.  You MY daughter have been designed by ME to lead the last, the least, and the lost, in this broken and fallen world.  Never again will you have to feel abandoned, as I am with you, and in choosing to follow ME, you Dear Heart will lead other's to that revelation as well.  TRUST in ME and REST always in ME Dear Heart I have you, and I'M with you always."

Today while driving home from taking my daughter to work, I turned on pandora radio station and a song that I had never heard came on.  Quickly I decided I didn't want to listen to it, and hit the forward button to skip it.  Several times I pressed it, and each time it refused to skip it.  When I stopped pressing the button, I realized I must of needed to hear the song, and by the time it finished I was a mess of tears, and was completely humbled in knowing that HE knows whats best for me.

"Masterpiece" by Danny Gokey

"Heartbreaks a bittersweet sound

Know it well It's ringing in my ears
And I can't understand
Why I'm not fixed by now
Begged and I pleaded
Take this pain but I'm still bleeding

Heart trusts you for certain
Head says it's not working
I'm stuck here still hurting
But you tell me

You're making a masterpiece
You shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you're making a masterpiece

Guess I'm your canvas
Beautiful black and blue
Painted in mercy's hue
I don't see past this
You see me now
Who I'll be then
There at the end
Standing there as

Your Masterpiece
You're shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see
You're making a masterpiece
You're making a masterpiece

Heart trust you for certain
Head says it's not working

You're making a masterpiece
You're shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see
You're making a masterpiece
You're making a masterpiece
I will be your masterpiece

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my greatest desire, and loudest cry of my heart for each of you to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  To know and TRUST that when we seek HIM with all of our hearts, HE will meet us right where we are.  To know that in our brokenness HE is there, ready to restore, renew, refine, and rebuild us to stand up RISE UP and TAKE COURAGE.  I pray that my journey of becoming equipped through heartache will be encouraging for you in whatever your circumstances may be.  Friends I don't have all the answers, but I walk with the ONE WHO does.  TRUST HIM, cry it out, shout, scream, and let it all go, as HE knows, HE's there, and HE cares and when your ready HE will lead you on your journey of becoming equipped.

Always my dear friends, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

 

~ Heather 

contagious joy.....

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me" Psalm 13:5-6

A while ago I felt HIM say to me: 

"Heather you love people really well.  You heart is kind and full of compassion, and you comfort others easily.  However, you love loving people well, and you struggle to love difficult people.  I want you to love people as I love you, and I love them.  I want you to SEE them through MY eyes, and seek ME to teach you, to show you how to love them, even when you don't SEE a way."

This was a journey that I was on, one of HIS teachings that I was focusing on when I lost Seth.  However, after Seth died, loving people, especially difficult people was the furthest thing from my mind, as well in my human thinking, my raw, shattered, broken heart couldn't have cared less about how other people felt, as all I knew was the agony I was in, the pain I had endured, the trauma I suffered in finding my son's lifeless body.  To be honest, anything less horrific than that didn't even get a glance from me, as suddenly someone saying it was their worst day ever made me cry, sob, as they had no idea of just how much worse it could be.  Especially when it had something to do with materials things of this world.  

My loving compassionate, kind, comforting heart was broken, and in my eyes beyond repair.  I remember being in a daze when I would dare to venture out of my home, never for more than an hour, and I felt like everywhere I went I was exposed.  Like people could see that my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and that is why there is this massive gaping hole in me.  I fell apart nearly every place I went to.  One moment in particular was a month after Seth's death I needed a new winter coat.  I went to the mall with my daughters, and found a coat I liked.  They didn't want to wait in line with me anymore, and wanted to go to the next store over, so I told them I would meet them there, as I was next in line anyways.  When the cashier rang up my coat, and told me the total, I burst into tears, raw, sorrowful tears.  Unable to stop them, as that early in my journey I had yet to understand how to swallow my tears.  The sweet cashier asked me if I was okay???  Little did she know that was a loaded question for me, and right there in front of a crowd of people I fell apart, cried out that my son died, I didn't even want to be there, and I need this stupid winter coat, and I still can't believe it, and well you get the picture.  She looked at me, and said, "oh my GOD how are you even still alive?   I would have died if I lost my child.... I wouldn't have ever gotten out of bed, and why are you even here?  Maybe you should go home and send someone else out to do things for you."  It was in that moment that my raw, excruciating pain started to lose my heart for people.

For months after Seth's death I struggled to maintain any type of conversation.  Each one always led back to him dying, what it was like seeing him, finding him lifeless, the sounds, the events of that day unfolding over and over like the worst most horrific gift to unwrap every single day.  Seth's death consumed me, the unfairness, the shock, the horror, my heart being ripped from my chest, what my children went through, what my husband went through.  The investigation, the detectives, the questions, the gossip about our family that we must be hiding something as why weren't we sharing how he died.  The waiting, oh the waiting, 25 weeks worth of waiting... all to hear it was complications of pneumonia, and bronchitis, when he had only been sick a total of 6 hours that day.  All to be revealed that he had this rare form of lung disease that was only found during the autopsy.  The grief over my baby, my boy having an autopsy.  

The sheer horror that on what would have been his 2nd birthday I found myself sitting in a funeral home with my husband,my brother, his wife, my pastor, his wife, my women's ministry leader who was also the leader of pastoral care, and my father in law.  When the funeral director brought out the piece of paper to release Seth's body from the medical examiner, seeing his date of death for the first time, my son's name with a dash.  Going to the cemetery, the rain pouring over us, the utter disbelief that this was really happening, the anger that was rising up out of me, as how could this possibly be.  

Over and over my mind replayed what happened, the words of "he was here until he wasn't, it happened in a blink.... a breaths time, in a moment our lives were forever changed."  The sorrow, sadness, anger, pain, agony consumed me.  Thoughts of JOY were diminished, and hidden where I didn't even know where to begin to look.  People would say to me, "well at some point you just have to choose JOY, you have to choose to be happy, you can't let this keep you from what GOD wants for you."  Which would only fuel my hatred for people as didn't they see how much I was hurting, how much I longed to be joyful, how I longed to live an oblivious life again.  I wanted my Sethie back, I wanted me back, I wanted my family back, to the way we were, I wanted to start over Oct. 13th 2014, and instead of falling asleep, or putting him to bed, we would have kept him with us.  If only.... that was the sob the sorrow of my heart.... if only.....  

For months I would sit in his room, smelling his clothes, holding his favorite toys, singing his song, cry, face down on his floor.  Hating life, hating GOD, hating me, hating people, until a glimmer of HOPE began to flicker in my vision.  HIS JOY, my daughter joy was coming, although we didn't know it was joy, but a new life, and honestly it was a double blessing as it was a new home, for a new life, and a precious new little life to join our family.  

When we moved into our new home, I thought "this is it, now I can be joyful, I will be okay, I can start over, a new life, and HE will heal me, and I will be okay."  As my pregnancy progressed with Joy the pamphlets started to emerge talking about postpartum depression, and counseling.  My doctor's were insistent on me seeing someone, therapy, and medication to help me cope, to deal with life in general.  The more they spoke, confronted me the angrier I became as I didn't want this, I didn't do anything to deserve this, and hadn't my losing my son, finding him, wasn't that enough for me to endure?  I was angry, I hate everyone and everything, and I struggled to even leave my home.

I stopped attending church shortly after Joy was born, as I couldn't bear to see people, answer their questions, or even just see smiling people.  I was on medication at this point, and was still working up to what would be my balance point.  For me that was my numbing point.  I went from being horrendously depressed, angry, and hateful, to numb.... I loved my family, and our life together, but it was hard, so damn hard.  I was done, I was done with suffering, grieving, sadness, all of it I was done.

Yet I had no energy, I couldn't do even the simplest of tasks.  Laundry was an overwhelming anxiety filled chore, and my home, well lets just say that for the two years we've lived here not many have entered, and we don't really invite unless you are in our inner circle.  I was embarrassed, angry, and bitter that I couldn't take care of my home, my family, myself, and I knew that if I didn't figure out a way to get off the medication I would be stuck.  Stuck feeling numb and not caring about what our house looked like, or my life looked like.  I knew I needed HIM, and because HE loves me, HE rescued me, and has brought me back into the land of the living with HIS unfailing love.

I have been shore living for almost three months now, and in that time I have created a family wall of pictures that include Seth's.  I have hung up his other pictures, and his fedora he wore when he was ten months old in one of our two family pictures.  I have helped my husband find our home again, and have begun to put my personal touch in each room, so it's no longer our house, but rather our home.  I am sleeping a solid six-eight hours a night, and I'm feeling more alive than I have in the past three years.  

None of this was easy, weening off my medication took time, but I knew it was necessary for my healing and recovery.  I knew that the only way I would be able to function, to LIVE was to let go, and let HIM, transform, renew, restore, and refine me.  I knew that I NEEDED HIM, and I that I could TRUST HIM to do all these things through me, because HE loves me.  Slowly my heart for people has returned, my JOY is now bursting out of me much more than sorrow, and my mind is at ease.  I can truly sing "It is well with my soul."  

Having gone through the past three years, HE is wanting me to know that because of what I've survived, and how I survived, HE is filling me with HIS JOY to share about it, to tell it to the masses, to SHOUT to SCREAM from the rooftops that HE IS MY REDEEMER, my SAVIOR, and HE has RESCUED me.  HE has called me to BE HIS LIGHT SHINER FULL OF CONTAGIOUS JOY!!!

HE is wanting me to remember that instead of getting wrapped up in the problems that I face in this world, or that other's share with me, HE is wanting me to be wrapped up in HIS peace, HIS overwhelming peace, that is full of understanding, that reveals an amazing plan, as where HIS peace lies, so does HIS love.  HIS love has brought me back from the pit of despair, has filled me with HOPE, and now calls me to live out my life with HIS CONTAGIOUS JOY!  I know that it is only through HIM that I am standing on the survivor's shore, SHINING HIS LIGHT, and I know this is HIS gift of VISION, of WISDOM so that I will be able to SEE other's as HE SEES them, especially those whom I find in my human vision.... thinking difficult.  HIS great LOVE for me, is what will equip me to love difficult people, as HE loves them, as HE loves me, and the LORD only knows how difficult I can be!

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

Friends, I pray today that if you too are struggling with dealing with life, with people, your job, you marriage, what ever is causing you great anxiety, stress, anger, or depression, I pray that you will know that HIS arms are open wide for you to come and receive HIS love, HIS peace, HIS grace, HIS mercy.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to comfort you in a way that only HE can comfort you.   I pray that when you receive HIS comfort, that you will know that is HIM teaching you, showing you how to live out your life with CONTAGIOUS JOY!  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

roots....

When I woke up this morning my mind instantly flooded back to last night.  Standing in the kitchen as if in a stand off with my son.... a battle to be won by both of us of who was right, or in the right to say and do whatever we wanted.  I was standing firm on the notion that I am the MOM and the BOSS and he WILL listen to me.  However, he had different thoughts, and his plans were to whittle and wear me down so that I would relent, and he would win.  I wish I could write and say that logic took over, faith took over, HE took over...... nope.... the words, the insults, the anger came out, and without wavering he kept challenging me, taunting me..... this little nine year old had me trapped.... and I came out swinging.  

Five minutes into the standoff, I realized that there was so winning, well that is except for the enemy who is hell bent on destroying me, my life, and my family.  I muttered something about having a headache, and went into the bathroom to "cool down."  Frustrated, angry, and beat down I said, "LORD JESUS he's yours, so YOU have to fix this.... whatever it takes, fix me to handle this situation with him better, whatever, I NEED YOU!"  It was then I felt HIS HOLY SPIRIT take over and I began to sing out loud.... "create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence O'LORD take not thy HOLY SPIRIT from me, restore unto me the JOY of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me."

I left the bathroom and walked back out into the kitchen where he had moved on from arguing with me, and was now arguing with his sister.  I continued to PRAISE HIM, and SEEK HIM in that moment, by continuing to sing.  Not long after I began singing in the kitchen I noticed that things quieted down.  Not long after my return to the battleground, I noticed that his voice lowered, and his heart was beginning to soften once again.  It was then I was able to speak words of life into him about how GOD doesn't want for us to fight and argue like we do.  I told him that I was sorry for the things I said, but let him know that he has to obey and respect his mama, not that he has to like or even agree with what I say, but he has to know that I was put on this earth to be his Mama.  

He apologized, and the angels sang.... and the rest of the evening was as close to glorious as you can imagine.  The night was peaceful, peace filled that is until..... yes you guessed it bed time.  Every.single.night it is a battle for him to go to bed.  However last night something within me spoke deep into my heart, "as much as you NEED me to help you, so does he.  MY grace is sufficient enough for the both of you, but you NEED to TRUST me.  It's not that I'm going to calm the storm, as there is much to be learned in this storm, rather TRUST me that I will calm MY child, so that you can comfort your son in this storm."

As I began to pen my thoughts this morning, I kept going back to seeking HIM to create a clean heart within me.  I wrote out many requests, and in my foolish human thinking, I thought I was done.  As if to say, "SEE LORD I got it all out, and now YOU can just create a clean heart within me.  Failing all along to realize, to know, to remember that NOTHING that HE EVER does within me, for me, through me is without teaching, leading or guiding me.  

Even as I sit here typing this out, I find myself procrastinating, as what HE is wanting me to share is not something that I want other people to know about a major stronghold in my life.  Well if I were being completely honest, those closest to me, my inner circle already know that I battle with this stronghold, and have for as long as I can remember. 

Unwholesome thoughts, unwholesome talk...... all deeply rooted by Frustration, anger..... emotions.  GAH!!!!  So of course in all of my human wisdom I ask HIM, "Okay LORD so just take all that away, and I won't have any problems."  HA!  Wow I'm on a roll today aren't I?  I can only imagine how much I must humor HIM in all of my tiny human brain thinking.  So friends, sit back as we dive deep into Heather's roots and SEE where my strongholds lie..... 

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me deep into my roots to show me the reason why this particular stronghold is winning in my life.  HE is wanting me to know and understand what a clean heart, says and does.  HE is telling me that until I get a full understanding, my stronghold will have a hold on me, and without even realizing it I will allow it to wreak havoc all over my life.

Today HE had me write out things that I NEED to know about what a clean heart says:

Unwrap each day as HIS precious gift to me.  This is a struggle for me, as when I first wake up I tend to think about all I NEED to do today, and that overwhelms me, and I start off right away with a bad attitude.  HE is reminding me that it is imperative that I guard my thoughts, "really think about what I am thinking about."

Don't forget each day, Dear Heart that MY TRUE JOY comes in the morning.  While it is my human response to hang my head in shame, dragging the chains of worthlessness, HE is wanting me to know, that my chains are gone and I've been set free to remember that each day is a clean slate, a fresh start, and HIS loving invitation to begin again.

Remember that unwholesome thoughts breed unwholesome talk which breathes death.  Speak life giving, breathing words to myself, and for everyone around me to hear.  In the flesh I struggle with this so very much.  As how easy it is to fit in this broken and fallen world by giving into the desires of the flesh to say, think and do whatever we want... whatever we feel entitled to.  HE is wanting me to know that this is my greatest stronghold, and is taking me back to where my roots were planted.

Remember to Bear Good Fruit.  Quite honestly until I read that this morning in my devotional that thought never really crossed my mind.  HE is wanting me to know that is it important for me to realize that my attitude, behaviors, emotions, feelings all of it are all based upon the roots that have been planted.  HE is wanting me to know that until I go back to the root of each of them, cultivating a clean heart is going to be extremely difficult for me to achieve.  HE is wanting me to remember that because of HIS gift of free will for me, means that HE can't make me do anything, rather when I desire to change something within me, for HIS good for HIS glory, HE WILL make good on HIS promises, and will help me.  

"Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit." Matthew 7:17

Focus on whats going good, don't dwell on what isn't good.  HE is wanting me to remember that HE has a plan for me, and when I choose to TRUST HIM I will SEE this HE will work out everything for my good.  This is not to say that I won't have to be put through the fire to change me, to cultivate a grateful heart, a gracious heart, refining me is a process, and HE wants me to TRUST the process.

Don't focus on how big my problems are rather TRUST and know that HE is BIGGER, GREATER THAN! Now if I could just remember this, I would be able to maintain my chill so much more when conflict with my son arises.  HE is wanting me to know that this doesn't mean HE wants me to focus on the conflict, rather think about WHO HE is, and how HE loves me, patiently, unfailing, relentlessly, unconditionally and then love my son the same way.  TRUST HIM through the process that as HE changes my heart, the way I respond, the way I speak, the way I act, my son will SEE HIM in me.  

Remember that I don't have to have all the answers, it is okay for me to let go and let HIM, SEEK HIS face and HE will help me!  Gosh darn it, if I could just get my tiny little human brain to remember this one, well.... ahhhh this is WHY I have JESUS, this is WHY HE is with me always, this is WHY I am continually SEEKING HIM, as all aboard, the hott mess express is coming through, and my first stop is SEEING HIM.  Again, HE is telling me I NEED to trust the process.  HIS plans are amazing for my life, and even all the wrong in my life, will be made good through HIS glory, because well HE is just that merciful, that loving, that giving.

Remember Dear Heart that MY love is far Greater for you than any stronghold, as I AM greater than your enemy.  HE is wanting me to remember that in the moments where I feel frustrated, and feel my anger rising, HE doesn't want me to react in anger, rather just whisper HIS name, and HE will be there, HE's already there, HE's just waiting for me to acknowledge HIM.  This for me makes me cringe, as so often I live as if though I'm all alone, and man if I stopped to think about how HE is right there always..... wow the things I wouldn't say or do.

Remember to PRAISE HIM in ALL circumstances, sing songs of WORSHIP for HIM, about HIM, PRAISE HIM and HE will cultivate a clean heart within me.  This thought takes me back to when I first lost Seth.  Songs of worship were painful for me, as how could I praise someone who allowed so much pain to be inflicted upon me.  How could anything possibly ever be good again.  How LORD how will you mend my broken heart, how could you possibly bind up these wounds?  How will I ever smile again, breathe again, live again?  How LORD, how?  For months I couldn't pray, couldn't praise, couldn't hold my head up.  I sat in my office with my head on my bible, and sobbed for hours in the early morning hours before my family was awake.  After wards I would sit with my children and watch mindless t.v., eat, consume endless amounts of coffee drinks, cry, and stare blankly at nothing... my world was dark, the sun literally didn't shine for months, and rained non-stop for over a month.  It was all so unbearable, yet HE kept speaking HIS promises to me, and slowly I began to HOPE again, to BELIEVE again, and it wasn't until six months ago that I began to SEE HIS light once again.  Living in darkness for 2.5 years was the most terrifying moments in my life.  Even more so when my life was threatened as I was growing up, as this darkness was all consuming, and the only thing that kept me holding on was my unwillingness to allow darkness to overtake me, and take away HIS promise of forever that is waiting for me.  I was determined to survive, so that I will be able to spend eternity with HIM, my son, my family, and my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE prepared my heart just two weeks before with a message of PRAISE HIM for other's blessings, even when you are going through something, cultivating a grateful heart, a Praise filled heart, will keep you rooted, anchored.  Oh how HE knew I would cling to that message for the next 3+ years.  I still cling to it, as HE knows what's best for me.

Remember Dear Heart that everything is this life is temporary.... I AM ETERNAL.  This for me is HIM saying that the sorrow, the grief, the suffering that I must endure in this lifetime, is just temporary.  Soon and very soon I will be with HIM where HE will wipe away every single tear, and I will be filled with overwhelming JOY, and all I will be able to do, all I will want to do is PRAISE HIM.  This is HIS loving message to me this morning, that "Hold fast Dear Heart, I'm making a way where you don't see one, TRUST ME, and I will SHINE MY LIGHT to where you need to walk.   SEEK ME first in everything, and I will direct your thoughts, and shape and mold your words to be life breathing.  Together Dear Heart we will break you FREE of your stronghold, as I have overcome the world, and there is NOTHING for you to worry about."

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray for your wounded, achy, weary hearts right in this very moment.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM, and allow HIS living water to be poured over you and in you and flow through you.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM to show you what roots have been planted in your life, so that you too will bear living giving, life breathing fruit.  I pray that no matter who you are, or where you been, what you done, or haven't done you will know that HE is there, welcoming you with open arms.  I pray that no matter how many times you've had to repent the same strongholds in your life, I pray that you will TRUST HIM enough to lead you back to your roots.

Always my dear friends, with love and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather