begin again.....

Deep from within the HEAVENS to the deepest part of me, I felt HIM calling me this morning, to wake up, and come join HIM and SEE that HE is doing a new thing.  To be honest I was feeling pretty awful as my NEW YEAR hasn't gone according to my plan.  I was so disappointed in myself for not keeping to the commitment I "tried" to make with myself in journaling EVERY single day this year, and writing the blog as much as I felt led.  However, since HE loves me so much more than I even care for myself, HE met me right where I was, and showered me with HIS grace to begin again.

A new year means new beginnings, means new life, means a fresh start.  My mind was all consumed with the fact that January 1st marked the start of a new year, and if I didn't stick with my commitments that I made then I would be failing at my fresh start, and miss out on my year of new beginnings.  Well I can tell you that after spending time in HIS word this morning, and SEEKING HIM to show me HIS ways, I know that HE is definitely working on my heart to SEE and understand that with each new day that I wake up here on this earth is HIS loving invitation for me to begin again.

Even the title of today's blog is something different from what I had planned.  I was certain that HE wanted me to write about how HE is close to the brokenhearted.... which HE is, however HE knew there were more pressing matters to be dealt with when it comes to my heart and my mind.   HE knew that had HE not intervened in showing me that I NEVER have to wait for a NEW YEAR to come around just so I can begin again.

So often I get in my own way of doing things HIS way.  I trip over myself in "trying" when really I NEED to remember that while I'm over here all "trying" HE IS BEING, has BEEN, WILL BE, FOREVER even though I am not.  I lose sight of WHO HE IS, and forget that I wasn't created to live this life alone.  I wasn't chosen and placed in this role of my life by chance.  NO, I was created ON PURPOSE for HIS PURPOSE to fulfill my part in HIS MISSION to BE HIS LIGHT.

Before I lost Seth HE led me through a season of learning WHO HE IS, and because of that I learned WHOSE I am, and because of that I know that was HIS purpose to help me survive the massive fall off the jagged cliff into the deepest, darkest ocean of agony, anguish, and overwhelming pain I had ever known.  Since then HE has led me on a journey of experiences of being HIS child, and what that means for me in fulfilling my purpose for HIS mission.

I couldn't have imagined, nor did I dare imagine at first getting to the place where I am today.  Which is enjoying being in HIS presence.  I write this because for so long I hated HIM, I hated what HE allowed, and I didn't trust HIM.  However the more I hated HIM, screamed, swore at HIM the more HE loved me.  The more HE reminded me of WHOSE I am, and WHO HE IS, and WHAT HE HAS DONE, and WHAT HE WILL DO.  NEVER could I have imagined how HE would transform me through my grief in the loss of my precious son.

It was six months ago where I looked out upon the horizon and began to SEE the shoreline.  The beautiful SHORE line where the other survivors were living their forever irrevocably changed lives.  The shoreline became my goal, and as each day passed I found myself getting closer, but not quite enough to stand up without be ripped back out into the ocean by the tide's of grief, and sorrow.

Three months ago I had come to the end of myself once again, as I laid there in a pool of tears, covered in snot, as a call orchestrated by HIM came through on my cell phone.  I was laying face down on my bathroom floor..... feeling as if though I couldn't possibly go on anymore.  Not that I was giving up living, but I was done living for HIM.  It was too hard..... too painful..... to overwhelming, and even though I loved HIM I couldn't possibly take another step as no matter how hard I tried to get on shore, and remain on shore.... it all seemed too overwhelmingly impossible.

As the tears poured from my eyes and my heart, my soul sister N spoke.... honestly  I don't remember what she said that day, but what I do know is this.  She answered HIS call that day to be an intercessor of prayer for me.  MIGHTY and BOLD in her prayers for strength, grace, mercy, renewal of mind, and soothing balm for my aching heart.  She prayed for my family, for new beginnings, and for overwhelming peace.

It was after that phone call where I felt something come ALIVE deep within me again.  A familiar yet different feeling that I hadn't felt is so long.  A feeling of "get up, wash your face, and SEE that yesterday is a closing door, your past does NOT define you, this moment does NOT define you, I DEFINE you.  I created you on purpose  for MY purpose.  While you may think that it's too late I'M telling you that with ME, through ME you can begin again."

This morning HE is taking me back to that moment, and showing me that it's NEVER too late to begin again.  HE is teaching me that the more that I seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me, I must realize that even though I "think" I understand and am doing things HIS way, HE won't hesitate to lead me right back around to begin again.

This for me is very frustrating especially when it comes to forgiveness of others, as well I am human, and well in my humanness I struggle with self entitlement when it comes to my "feelings" and as I have learned, and will continue to learn my "feelings" always get in the way of the cleansing of my heart, and mind through HIS promise that when I choose to truly forgive someone it won't matter what is said, or how it is said, what will matter is that I have HIS JOY planted firmly, deeply rooted in my heart, and no matter what may come my way, through HIM I will RISE above my circumstances.

HE is letting me know that this even means when someone is nasty in traffic, or at the grocery store.  HE is wanting me to remember that each person that my eye's see HE deeply loves them, desires a relationship with them, and that when I am willing HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT through me, so that they will SEE HIM through me.  HE is telling me that in seeking HIM to transform, renew, restore, refine me, I must understand that because HE loves me HE will continue to lead me back around to begin again.

Today I am grateful in knowing that my way isn't the way I have to live, that there is a better way.  Today I am thankful that I can look back on my journey of begin again's and SEE how far I've come, because HE has carried me this far.  I am overwhelmed by how much further HE can SEE into my journey, and know what blessings are waiting to be discovered by me.  I am in awe of my SAVIOR, my JESUS, my JOY, my LORD, my COMFORTER, my DELIVERER.  I am standing on the survivor's shore, SHINING HIS LIGHT, all because HE IS.  I am in right standing with HIM, as I humbly walk with HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me every step of the way.  I am choosing to TRUST HIM, that HE can, and will lead me where my TRUST is without borders, even if.... my heart is shattered.... even if a cliff appears.... even if I'm dragged back out into the ocean.... I know and BELIEVE that with HIM no matter what I can always begin again.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that if you have come to the end of yourself, and don't know which way to go, I pray that you will humble yourselves and seek HIM to lead you.  TRUST HIM that HE is holding you and that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  I pray that you will know that in the midst of your sorrow, sadness, and pain that HE is there, and that your pain is KNOWN.  I pray that HIS word will become a soothing balm for your aching tattered and bruised heart.  I pray that my journey will be that of HIS message of HOPE to you that though to the human eyes we cannot see beyond our circumstances, I pray that you will come to a place of TRUST and know that HE does, and when you are ready HE will lead you on your journey to begin again.

always my dear friends, with so much love, compassion, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather