equipped through heartache.....

The circumstances in my life have once again brought me to my knees.  So much this past week I have cried.  Cried from tears of sorrow for not only losing Seth, but losing each of us.  Our relationships with one another, with Seth, and the heartbreaking changes that our family has had to accept, and learn to live with in facing the daily challenge of coping with heartache..... living with heartache has been the most challenging thing for me as a mom and wife.  

Last Tuesday the guest speaker at MOPS was a pastor's wife, and mom of four.  She was talking about the importance of self care, and soul care for mom's.  Self care as in eating healthy, exercising, getting plenty of sleep etc.  Soul care in doing what makes you happy, and makes you feel alive.  She challenged us to think about those things, and all I could do was cry, and die a little more inside as I so desperately wanted to have normal struggles.... which to me means having absolutely NOTHING to do with heartache.

I began to write my desires down on paper, pleading with GOD in my heart, please send someone to share her story, and with that I felt HIM speak deep into my wounded, weary, aching heart.  "Oh Dear Heart do you not SEE, do you not realize?  I AM equipping you to BE that someone.  You Dear Heart, when you seek ME, I WILL teach, lead, and guide you to share what soul care for the mom who lives with heartache looks like,"

That should have been enough confirmation for me, however because I am a slooooow learner HE led me straight to church last night, to the same chair I sit in week after week, and right there in my brokenness HE met me.  The message was about RISE UP, TAKE COURAGE, words that made me weary just hearing, let alone thinking about.  When the message was over an alter call was made to anyone who needed prayer, it was as if though I couldn't get there fast enough. With tears drenching my face, my hands, my clothes, and the floor, I cried the most I have in church since the day I said goodbye to Seth.

I don't really know who prayed for me, or what they even said, all I knew in that moment was that I finally felt free enough to cry it all out.  As the song continued, I look up and saw the stage, the spot where Seth's casket was placed, and I remembered that final moment before they closed it that I was able to kiss my sweet little Sethie goodbye forever until we meet on the bridge into forever.  I remember feeling so defeated, and cheated, and just completely overwhelmed that everything that I had done prior to Seth's death still didn't prevent him from dying.  

This morning as I sat at my desk writing out my pain, I felt HIM say to me, "I know you are weary from sorrow, sadness, pain, and strife.  I SEE you struggle as the waves of life knock you down.  I SEE you get knocked down, and I want you to know that it is I that reaches down and helps you back up.  Do you, Heather, not trust ME that I will pick you back up? Have I not proven to you that I AM trustworthy?  Do you still view ME as a taker, the ONE who asks of you, and never replenishes what I ask you to let go of?  Do you still view ME as the ONE WHO broke your heart, who abandoned you?"

Words from my heavenly FATHER that wrecked me this morning, as my heart has tried so very hard to be accepting of all that has transpired, and TRUST HIM with everything, yet here I am once again falling to pieces, drenched in tears, worry, fear, and overwhelming doubt.  It is overwhelming to me that HE knows what I am thinking even when I don't have the courage to admit it.  HIS words leave me saying "Yes LORD I feel so confused as to why YOU allowed so much pain to be inflicted upon my family."  

To which I felt HIM say "I know that it is so hard for you to live with the memories of the day Seth died.... Trust and know Dear Heart I will help you tell your story.  MY light will SHINE in you and through you and that light will be shone in the darkness of grief, sorrow, sadness, loss, and will teach, lead others how to live with their own heartache.  All of this will be for MY GLORY.  I will equip you as you lead others to healing in sharing WHO I AM and what I have done for you, and will do for them. I know Dear Heart that you are weary and just want this to be over, but TRUST me Dear Heart that I have a plan.  MY plan is to carry you through this heartache, teach you to soar above your circumstances, to BE MY warrior.  I have created you to BE the ONE whom teaches others to walk and to live with heartache in a humbling, and honoring way.  I will give and restore my purpose, my mission, my plan for your life to LIVE out with seeking, and proclaiming JOY in the Heartache.  TRUST ME Dear Heart that I working on your behalf and SEE that I am doing a new thing in you and through you, as you Heather are MY BELOVED,CHOSEN,LIGHT SHINER and my most PRECIOUS MASTERPIECE.  You MY daughter have been designed by ME to lead the last, the least, and the lost, in this broken and fallen world.  Never again will you have to feel abandoned, as I am with you, and in choosing to follow ME, you Dear Heart will lead other's to that revelation as well.  TRUST in ME and REST always in ME Dear Heart I have you, and I'M with you always."

Today while driving home from taking my daughter to work, I turned on pandora radio station and a song that I had never heard came on.  Quickly I decided I didn't want to listen to it, and hit the forward button to skip it.  Several times I pressed it, and each time it refused to skip it.  When I stopped pressing the button, I realized I must of needed to hear the song, and by the time it finished I was a mess of tears, and was completely humbled in knowing that HE knows whats best for me.

"Masterpiece" by Danny Gokey

"Heartbreaks a bittersweet sound

Know it well It's ringing in my ears
And I can't understand
Why I'm not fixed by now
Begged and I pleaded
Take this pain but I'm still bleeding

Heart trusts you for certain
Head says it's not working
I'm stuck here still hurting
But you tell me

You're making a masterpiece
You shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you're making a masterpiece

Guess I'm your canvas
Beautiful black and blue
Painted in mercy's hue
I don't see past this
You see me now
Who I'll be then
There at the end
Standing there as

Your Masterpiece
You're shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see
You're making a masterpiece
You're making a masterpiece

Heart trust you for certain
Head says it's not working

You're making a masterpiece
You're shaping the soul in me
You're moving where I can't see
And all I am is in your hands
You're taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see
You're making a masterpiece
You're making a masterpiece
I will be your masterpiece

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my greatest desire, and loudest cry of my heart for each of you to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  To know and TRUST that when we seek HIM with all of our hearts, HE will meet us right where we are.  To know that in our brokenness HE is there, ready to restore, renew, refine, and rebuild us to stand up RISE UP and TAKE COURAGE.  I pray that my journey of becoming equipped through heartache will be encouraging for you in whatever your circumstances may be.  Friends I don't have all the answers, but I walk with the ONE WHO does.  TRUST HIM, cry it out, shout, scream, and let it all go, as HE knows, HE's there, and HE cares and when your ready HE will lead you on your journey of becoming equipped.

Always my dear friends, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

 

~ Heather