So I have a confession to make. Since losing Seth I've looked to other mom's of boys and asked HIM why it was that I wasn't allowed to raise both of my boys together. Why it was that my chances of being a mom of boys in the flesh was over. My anger my jealousy stems from that question. A question that has since then plagued my relationship with my son whom I am still raising. Without knowing it, the agreement that I made in my Mama heart that I wasn't enough, deserving... good.... grateful..... gracious.... willing..... it all left me feeling unable to be his Mama.... well that is until this morning.
Can I just say, "PRAISE JESUS" Praise HIM for rescuing me from my thoughts. For teaching me to take each and every single though I have captive. Although I'm not that great of a listener.... and well we've long since established that I am a slooooooooooooooooow learner. Thankfully HE knows that, knew that and HE knew that when the time was right, and I opened my heart to HIS teachings HE would meet me right where I was, and friends, this morning was exactly that!
Pen to paper the words, the pain, the anguish flowed from my heart, poured out in my hearts cry to my ABBA, The feeling of utter defeat consumed my every thought. Feeling of failure as my words of last night spoken to my son replayed over in my mind. For that matter my words for the past two months. Words that are a part of shaping and molding who he is, and who he will become. The crushing reality that I am responsible for the future struggles of confidence that he will now face. It was ALL consuming.
The more I wrote that more I felt HIS embrace ready to hold me, to hold my wounded, aching, repentant heart. I cried deep into HIS chest the utter shame I felt of the way I've spoken, the way I've responded to conflict , the agreements that I made in my heart, the thoughts that I didn't take captive, and the word's that came from my mouth the week of Christmas when my son and I were battling it out. "I look at you and I don't see my son, the sweet boy I raised.... both of my boys are dead." Sheer horror came over his face, and I cried my eyes out, too late to take it back, NEVER enough sorry's to cover the pain that I allowed to flow in anger out of my mouth. Just writing it makes me well up with tears, as he's forgiven me, and I well.... quite honestly have yet to forgive myself.
Writing all of this out, sharing it with you is some of my darkest moments as a Mama. Moments that I would choose to keep private, however because HE loves me so much, HE is asking me to be transparent, real, raw, and honest about the ugliness that festers deep inside of me. All because of the agreements I made that I wasn't good enough to be a mom of boys here on earth. An agreement that basically said, "you blew it, and failed in so many ways, took it all for granted, and now it's been taken from you. You, Heather are the reason that your children must suffer, and you are blaming them? You don't deserve to be a Mama, you don't deserve anything." Over and over this agreement has played like a broken record in my mind, and slowly began to penetrate my heart.
Even now as I sit here typing, HE is holding me, Speaking deep into my heart, over and over, that while in the flesh I am not enough...... with HIM, through HIM, because of HIM, I, Heather Daughter to the KING am more than enough. HE is wanting me to get it through my head, really HEAR HIM when HE says, that there is "NO CONDEMNATION in CHRIST JESUS." Romans 8:1 HE is telling me that I have forgotten that little gem along the way. HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEE's me, and when I am able to do that, then I will SEE my children as HE SEE's them, and most importantly where I "think" I am undeserving, HE is ALL knowing, ALL loving, and has amazing plans for each of us. All of which lead me to the understanding that Seth's amazing plan didn't include me for a lifetime in my scale of lifetime, rather his lifetime was just shy of two years, and when I SEE things through HIS eyes, I will SEE that I was a part of Seth's entire lifetime.
Just as I was apart of Seth's, I am also apart of my son Isaac's lifetime. I have been CHOSEN to be his Mama. To love him, care for him, teach him, and cherish him. Writing that out seems all fine and good, but then the human attitudes and feelings come into play, and leave me wiped out, as really I haven't a clue as to how to do anything for my son, and since I don't know how, I "try" in all of my human understanding to figure things out...... completely failing to recognize, to realize that the enemy is hard at work wreaking major havoc in our relationship. Creating agreements that tear us further apart.
This morning HE is removing the blinders that I have put on, by revealing HIS truth to my struggle, my circumstances with my son. HE is wanting me to SEE that it's not that I am NOT enough, rather I am forgetting that HE is. It's not that I am not patient enough..... gracious enough..... loving enough.... it's that I am forgetting that HE is!!!! HE is more than enough, and through HIM and with HIM I will be enough!!! HE will give me everything I NEED to be Mama to each of my children.
So often I think that I have lost my way in how to be Seth's Mama, and when I open my heart to that reality, HE is right there to fill me with HIS truth. I am Seth's Mama, I was CHOSEN on purpose to be his Mama. I may not get to raise him, and be with him right now. However, I can share his life of who he was, what he did, and live out the impact that he made on my life. I can tell people that I am a far greater, more loving person for having known him.
Then my thoughts lead me back to, greater person, more loving.... HA!!! what a joke!!! Which is the enemy taunting me, and HE is reminding me to take those thoughts captive, as I don't have to agree with EVERYTHING that I think of, as when my thoughts aren't CHRIST centered thoughts, that means they are less than honoring, and are designed, calculated specifically to trip me up, and keep me feeling defeated.
Just realizing this, makes my blood boil, as how many times I am having a good day, good meaning I'm doing life with HIM, and all the sudden out of the blue, major conflict arises. While I may remain calm, and in control at first.... all it takes is about a billion times of repeating myself in my stern, yet sweet Mama voice until........ Brunhilda has had enough, and crazy lunatic Mama emerges, and it's on like Donkey Kong, and OFF with their heads, as heads are surely gonna roll because Mama has had enough!!!
This all is HIS way of teaching me today that I am indeed human, and that the only way I can truly do this life is with HIM. HE is telling me that I must get this from my head, and buried deep in my heart...... while I can't...... HE CAN, HE WILL, HE DOES..... ALWAYS!!! HE is wanting me to remember that through HIM, with HIM I can DO ALL THINGS!!!! This means even dealing with aggravating situations. HE is telling me that all I NEED to do is to BE STILL and KNOW that HE IS GOD!!! Psalm 46:10
I must remember that while I don't SEE the way, HE knows the way, and all I have to do is SEEK HIM and HE will teach, lead, and guide me on the path that I am to walk. HIS loving reminder is this that coincidentally I am FOREVER trying to teach my children that they don't have to accept the invitation to EVERY fight that they receive. Whoahhhhh talk about humble pie.
So just for today, for this moment, I am going to soak in, meditate on HIS word as HIS word is the lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path. Psalm 119:105 Today I am leaning in, pressing in, letting go and letting HIM. Seeking HIM moment to moment, as that is all my human brain can handle, as life is still pretty overwhelming. HE is wanting me to know that this is what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is about for me today. For me to seek HIM, when I feel less than, and allow HIM to transform my mind, my heart with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that with HIM, through HIM I will be more than enough.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS it is my prayer that if you too have found yourself unable to "deal" with life, with people, with your circumstances, that you will cry out to HIM, and allow HIM to give you the rest that you are in need of as HE begins to transform, renew, refine, rebuke any and all lies that live in your heart. I pray that you come to know HIM as your loving FATHER in HEAVEN and SEE that HE truly only wants whats best for your life. I pray that you will let go, and let HIM, and in the moments where you are rendered speechless, as your life, and other's depend on it, I pray that you will take that time to just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!! I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said or done in your life, HE is there, HE loves you, and HIS arms are opened wide for you to be held in HIS loving, gracious, merciful, peaceful embrace.
Always dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
Can I just say, "PRAISE JESUS" Praise HIM for rescuing me from my thoughts. For teaching me to take each and every single though I have captive. Although I'm not that great of a listener.... and well we've long since established that I am a slooooooooooooooooow learner. Thankfully HE knows that, knew that and HE knew that when the time was right, and I opened my heart to HIS teachings HE would meet me right where I was, and friends, this morning was exactly that!
Pen to paper the words, the pain, the anguish flowed from my heart, poured out in my hearts cry to my ABBA, The feeling of utter defeat consumed my every thought. Feeling of failure as my words of last night spoken to my son replayed over in my mind. For that matter my words for the past two months. Words that are a part of shaping and molding who he is, and who he will become. The crushing reality that I am responsible for the future struggles of confidence that he will now face. It was ALL consuming.
The more I wrote that more I felt HIS embrace ready to hold me, to hold my wounded, aching, repentant heart. I cried deep into HIS chest the utter shame I felt of the way I've spoken, the way I've responded to conflict , the agreements that I made in my heart, the thoughts that I didn't take captive, and the word's that came from my mouth the week of Christmas when my son and I were battling it out. "I look at you and I don't see my son, the sweet boy I raised.... both of my boys are dead." Sheer horror came over his face, and I cried my eyes out, too late to take it back, NEVER enough sorry's to cover the pain that I allowed to flow in anger out of my mouth. Just writing it makes me well up with tears, as he's forgiven me, and I well.... quite honestly have yet to forgive myself.
Writing all of this out, sharing it with you is some of my darkest moments as a Mama. Moments that I would choose to keep private, however because HE loves me so much, HE is asking me to be transparent, real, raw, and honest about the ugliness that festers deep inside of me. All because of the agreements I made that I wasn't good enough to be a mom of boys here on earth. An agreement that basically said, "you blew it, and failed in so many ways, took it all for granted, and now it's been taken from you. You, Heather are the reason that your children must suffer, and you are blaming them? You don't deserve to be a Mama, you don't deserve anything." Over and over this agreement has played like a broken record in my mind, and slowly began to penetrate my heart.
Even now as I sit here typing, HE is holding me, Speaking deep into my heart, over and over, that while in the flesh I am not enough...... with HIM, through HIM, because of HIM, I, Heather Daughter to the KING am more than enough. HE is wanting me to get it through my head, really HEAR HIM when HE says, that there is "NO CONDEMNATION in CHRIST JESUS." Romans 8:1 HE is telling me that I have forgotten that little gem along the way. HE is wanting me to SEE myself as HE SEE's me, and when I am able to do that, then I will SEE my children as HE SEE's them, and most importantly where I "think" I am undeserving, HE is ALL knowing, ALL loving, and has amazing plans for each of us. All of which lead me to the understanding that Seth's amazing plan didn't include me for a lifetime in my scale of lifetime, rather his lifetime was just shy of two years, and when I SEE things through HIS eyes, I will SEE that I was a part of Seth's entire lifetime.
Just as I was apart of Seth's, I am also apart of my son Isaac's lifetime. I have been CHOSEN to be his Mama. To love him, care for him, teach him, and cherish him. Writing that out seems all fine and good, but then the human attitudes and feelings come into play, and leave me wiped out, as really I haven't a clue as to how to do anything for my son, and since I don't know how, I "try" in all of my human understanding to figure things out...... completely failing to recognize, to realize that the enemy is hard at work wreaking major havoc in our relationship. Creating agreements that tear us further apart.
This morning HE is removing the blinders that I have put on, by revealing HIS truth to my struggle, my circumstances with my son. HE is wanting me to SEE that it's not that I am NOT enough, rather I am forgetting that HE is. It's not that I am not patient enough..... gracious enough..... loving enough.... it's that I am forgetting that HE is!!!! HE is more than enough, and through HIM and with HIM I will be enough!!! HE will give me everything I NEED to be Mama to each of my children.
So often I think that I have lost my way in how to be Seth's Mama, and when I open my heart to that reality, HE is right there to fill me with HIS truth. I am Seth's Mama, I was CHOSEN on purpose to be his Mama. I may not get to raise him, and be with him right now. However, I can share his life of who he was, what he did, and live out the impact that he made on my life. I can tell people that I am a far greater, more loving person for having known him.
Then my thoughts lead me back to, greater person, more loving.... HA!!! what a joke!!! Which is the enemy taunting me, and HE is reminding me to take those thoughts captive, as I don't have to agree with EVERYTHING that I think of, as when my thoughts aren't CHRIST centered thoughts, that means they are less than honoring, and are designed, calculated specifically to trip me up, and keep me feeling defeated.
Just realizing this, makes my blood boil, as how many times I am having a good day, good meaning I'm doing life with HIM, and all the sudden out of the blue, major conflict arises. While I may remain calm, and in control at first.... all it takes is about a billion times of repeating myself in my stern, yet sweet Mama voice until........ Brunhilda has had enough, and crazy lunatic Mama emerges, and it's on like Donkey Kong, and OFF with their heads, as heads are surely gonna roll because Mama has had enough!!!
This all is HIS way of teaching me today that I am indeed human, and that the only way I can truly do this life is with HIM. HE is telling me that I must get this from my head, and buried deep in my heart...... while I can't...... HE CAN, HE WILL, HE DOES..... ALWAYS!!! HE is wanting me to remember that through HIM, with HIM I can DO ALL THINGS!!!! This means even dealing with aggravating situations. HE is telling me that all I NEED to do is to BE STILL and KNOW that HE IS GOD!!! Psalm 46:10
I must remember that while I don't SEE the way, HE knows the way, and all I have to do is SEEK HIM and HE will teach, lead, and guide me on the path that I am to walk. HIS loving reminder is this that coincidentally I am FOREVER trying to teach my children that they don't have to accept the invitation to EVERY fight that they receive. Whoahhhhh talk about humble pie.
So just for today, for this moment, I am going to soak in, meditate on HIS word as HIS word is the lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path. Psalm 119:105 Today I am leaning in, pressing in, letting go and letting HIM. Seeking HIM moment to moment, as that is all my human brain can handle, as life is still pretty overwhelming. HE is wanting me to know that this is what HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is about for me today. For me to seek HIM, when I feel less than, and allow HIM to transform my mind, my heart with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that with HIM, through HIM I will be more than enough.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS it is my prayer that if you too have found yourself unable to "deal" with life, with people, with your circumstances, that you will cry out to HIM, and allow HIM to give you the rest that you are in need of as HE begins to transform, renew, refine, rebuke any and all lies that live in your heart. I pray that you come to know HIM as your loving FATHER in HEAVEN and SEE that HE truly only wants whats best for your life. I pray that you will let go, and let HIM, and in the moments where you are rendered speechless, as your life, and other's depend on it, I pray that you will take that time to just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!! I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said or done in your life, HE is there, HE loves you, and HIS arms are opened wide for you to be held in HIS loving, gracious, merciful, peaceful embrace.
Always dear ones, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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