roots....

When I woke up this morning my mind instantly flooded back to last night.  Standing in the kitchen as if in a stand off with my son.... a battle to be won by both of us of who was right, or in the right to say and do whatever we wanted.  I was standing firm on the notion that I am the MOM and the BOSS and he WILL listen to me.  However, he had different thoughts, and his plans were to whittle and wear me down so that I would relent, and he would win.  I wish I could write and say that logic took over, faith took over, HE took over...... nope.... the words, the insults, the anger came out, and without wavering he kept challenging me, taunting me..... this little nine year old had me trapped.... and I came out swinging.  

Five minutes into the standoff, I realized that there was so winning, well that is except for the enemy who is hell bent on destroying me, my life, and my family.  I muttered something about having a headache, and went into the bathroom to "cool down."  Frustrated, angry, and beat down I said, "LORD JESUS he's yours, so YOU have to fix this.... whatever it takes, fix me to handle this situation with him better, whatever, I NEED YOU!"  It was then I felt HIS HOLY SPIRIT take over and I began to sing out loud.... "create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Create in me a clean heart O'GOD and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence O'LORD take not thy HOLY SPIRIT from me, restore unto me the JOY of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit within me."

I left the bathroom and walked back out into the kitchen where he had moved on from arguing with me, and was now arguing with his sister.  I continued to PRAISE HIM, and SEEK HIM in that moment, by continuing to sing.  Not long after I began singing in the kitchen I noticed that things quieted down.  Not long after my return to the battleground, I noticed that his voice lowered, and his heart was beginning to soften once again.  It was then I was able to speak words of life into him about how GOD doesn't want for us to fight and argue like we do.  I told him that I was sorry for the things I said, but let him know that he has to obey and respect his mama, not that he has to like or even agree with what I say, but he has to know that I was put on this earth to be his Mama.  

He apologized, and the angels sang.... and the rest of the evening was as close to glorious as you can imagine.  The night was peaceful, peace filled that is until..... yes you guessed it bed time.  Every.single.night it is a battle for him to go to bed.  However last night something within me spoke deep into my heart, "as much as you NEED me to help you, so does he.  MY grace is sufficient enough for the both of you, but you NEED to TRUST me.  It's not that I'm going to calm the storm, as there is much to be learned in this storm, rather TRUST me that I will calm MY child, so that you can comfort your son in this storm."

As I began to pen my thoughts this morning, I kept going back to seeking HIM to create a clean heart within me.  I wrote out many requests, and in my foolish human thinking, I thought I was done.  As if to say, "SEE LORD I got it all out, and now YOU can just create a clean heart within me.  Failing all along to realize, to know, to remember that NOTHING that HE EVER does within me, for me, through me is without teaching, leading or guiding me.  

Even as I sit here typing this out, I find myself procrastinating, as what HE is wanting me to share is not something that I want other people to know about a major stronghold in my life.  Well if I were being completely honest, those closest to me, my inner circle already know that I battle with this stronghold, and have for as long as I can remember. 

Unwholesome thoughts, unwholesome talk...... all deeply rooted by Frustration, anger..... emotions.  GAH!!!!  So of course in all of my human wisdom I ask HIM, "Okay LORD so just take all that away, and I won't have any problems."  HA!  Wow I'm on a roll today aren't I?  I can only imagine how much I must humor HIM in all of my tiny human brain thinking.  So friends, sit back as we dive deep into Heather's roots and SEE where my strongholds lie..... 

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me deep into my roots to show me the reason why this particular stronghold is winning in my life.  HE is wanting me to know and understand what a clean heart, says and does.  HE is telling me that until I get a full understanding, my stronghold will have a hold on me, and without even realizing it I will allow it to wreak havoc all over my life.

Today HE had me write out things that I NEED to know about what a clean heart says:

Unwrap each day as HIS precious gift to me.  This is a struggle for me, as when I first wake up I tend to think about all I NEED to do today, and that overwhelms me, and I start off right away with a bad attitude.  HE is reminding me that it is imperative that I guard my thoughts, "really think about what I am thinking about."

Don't forget each day, Dear Heart that MY TRUE JOY comes in the morning.  While it is my human response to hang my head in shame, dragging the chains of worthlessness, HE is wanting me to know, that my chains are gone and I've been set free to remember that each day is a clean slate, a fresh start, and HIS loving invitation to begin again.

Remember that unwholesome thoughts breed unwholesome talk which breathes death.  Speak life giving, breathing words to myself, and for everyone around me to hear.  In the flesh I struggle with this so very much.  As how easy it is to fit in this broken and fallen world by giving into the desires of the flesh to say, think and do whatever we want... whatever we feel entitled to.  HE is wanting me to know that this is my greatest stronghold, and is taking me back to where my roots were planted.

Remember to Bear Good Fruit.  Quite honestly until I read that this morning in my devotional that thought never really crossed my mind.  HE is wanting me to know that is it important for me to realize that my attitude, behaviors, emotions, feelings all of it are all based upon the roots that have been planted.  HE is wanting me to know that until I go back to the root of each of them, cultivating a clean heart is going to be extremely difficult for me to achieve.  HE is wanting me to remember that because of HIS gift of free will for me, means that HE can't make me do anything, rather when I desire to change something within me, for HIS good for HIS glory, HE WILL make good on HIS promises, and will help me.  

"Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit." Matthew 7:17

Focus on whats going good, don't dwell on what isn't good.  HE is wanting me to remember that HE has a plan for me, and when I choose to TRUST HIM I will SEE this HE will work out everything for my good.  This is not to say that I won't have to be put through the fire to change me, to cultivate a grateful heart, a gracious heart, refining me is a process, and HE wants me to TRUST the process.

Don't focus on how big my problems are rather TRUST and know that HE is BIGGER, GREATER THAN! Now if I could just remember this, I would be able to maintain my chill so much more when conflict with my son arises.  HE is wanting me to know that this doesn't mean HE wants me to focus on the conflict, rather think about WHO HE is, and how HE loves me, patiently, unfailing, relentlessly, unconditionally and then love my son the same way.  TRUST HIM through the process that as HE changes my heart, the way I respond, the way I speak, the way I act, my son will SEE HIM in me.  

Remember that I don't have to have all the answers, it is okay for me to let go and let HIM, SEEK HIS face and HE will help me!  Gosh darn it, if I could just get my tiny little human brain to remember this one, well.... ahhhh this is WHY I have JESUS, this is WHY HE is with me always, this is WHY I am continually SEEKING HIM, as all aboard, the hott mess express is coming through, and my first stop is SEEING HIM.  Again, HE is telling me I NEED to trust the process.  HIS plans are amazing for my life, and even all the wrong in my life, will be made good through HIS glory, because well HE is just that merciful, that loving, that giving.

Remember Dear Heart that MY love is far Greater for you than any stronghold, as I AM greater than your enemy.  HE is wanting me to remember that in the moments where I feel frustrated, and feel my anger rising, HE doesn't want me to react in anger, rather just whisper HIS name, and HE will be there, HE's already there, HE's just waiting for me to acknowledge HIM.  This for me makes me cringe, as so often I live as if though I'm all alone, and man if I stopped to think about how HE is right there always..... wow the things I wouldn't say or do.

Remember to PRAISE HIM in ALL circumstances, sing songs of WORSHIP for HIM, about HIM, PRAISE HIM and HE will cultivate a clean heart within me.  This thought takes me back to when I first lost Seth.  Songs of worship were painful for me, as how could I praise someone who allowed so much pain to be inflicted upon me.  How could anything possibly ever be good again.  How LORD how will you mend my broken heart, how could you possibly bind up these wounds?  How will I ever smile again, breathe again, live again?  How LORD, how?  For months I couldn't pray, couldn't praise, couldn't hold my head up.  I sat in my office with my head on my bible, and sobbed for hours in the early morning hours before my family was awake.  After wards I would sit with my children and watch mindless t.v., eat, consume endless amounts of coffee drinks, cry, and stare blankly at nothing... my world was dark, the sun literally didn't shine for months, and rained non-stop for over a month.  It was all so unbearable, yet HE kept speaking HIS promises to me, and slowly I began to HOPE again, to BELIEVE again, and it wasn't until six months ago that I began to SEE HIS light once again.  Living in darkness for 2.5 years was the most terrifying moments in my life.  Even more so when my life was threatened as I was growing up, as this darkness was all consuming, and the only thing that kept me holding on was my unwillingness to allow darkness to overtake me, and take away HIS promise of forever that is waiting for me.  I was determined to survive, so that I will be able to spend eternity with HIM, my son, my family, and my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE prepared my heart just two weeks before with a message of PRAISE HIM for other's blessings, even when you are going through something, cultivating a grateful heart, a Praise filled heart, will keep you rooted, anchored.  Oh how HE knew I would cling to that message for the next 3+ years.  I still cling to it, as HE knows what's best for me.

Remember Dear Heart that everything is this life is temporary.... I AM ETERNAL.  This for me is HIM saying that the sorrow, the grief, the suffering that I must endure in this lifetime, is just temporary.  Soon and very soon I will be with HIM where HE will wipe away every single tear, and I will be filled with overwhelming JOY, and all I will be able to do, all I will want to do is PRAISE HIM.  This is HIS loving message to me this morning, that "Hold fast Dear Heart, I'm making a way where you don't see one, TRUST ME, and I will SHINE MY LIGHT to where you need to walk.   SEEK ME first in everything, and I will direct your thoughts, and shape and mold your words to be life breathing.  Together Dear Heart we will break you FREE of your stronghold, as I have overcome the world, and there is NOTHING for you to worry about."

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray for your wounded, achy, weary hearts right in this very moment.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM, and allow HIS living water to be poured over you and in you and flow through you.  I pray that you will SEEK HIM to show you what roots have been planted in your life, so that you too will bear living giving, life breathing fruit.  I pray that no matter who you are, or where you been, what you done, or haven't done you will know that HE is there, welcoming you with open arms.  I pray that no matter how many times you've had to repent the same strongholds in your life, I pray that you will TRUST HIM enough to lead you back to your roots.

Always my dear friends, with love and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather