Because JESUS.....

"How do you keep picking yourself back up, only to be knocked down again.  Isn't it better to just stay down so that when the next thing hits you it won't hurt as bad, as when you are happy, and living with JOY the sting of the fall hurts far worse than if you would have just stayed down."

This question was posed to me last night, and honestly I struggled to speak after a few minutes.  So much because the pain from the question was felt, the sorrow in the voice was known.  Deep in my heart how I longed for the right answer.  I longed to be able to comfort, to give HOPE, but I knew in that moment no matter what I said, all I could do was pray.  

Well that was last night, and today's a new day and when I presented my request to HIM, HE surely didn't disappoint to help me learn, to teach, to lead, to guide me to speak HIS truth even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.  This morning I had an honest conversation with my Abba about what I would say to someone who is feeling hopeless in their own journey that has been filled with hardship after hardship.  This was my response:

Because JESUS in the moments after leaving Seth's earthly body at the hospital, sitting in the deafening silence, all I could do was cry out to YOU, to sing YOUR praise.  Because JESUS YOU were Faithful to teach, to lead, to guide me to remember YOU in times where darkness was all around.  Where I hit rock bottom, and NOTHING of this world could even reach me.  YOU did, Because JESUS YOU are Faithful.

Because JESUS after years of ocean living you truly did begin to bind up my wounds, just as YOUR word had promised.  Because JESUS YOU are Sovereign only YOU know how much time it would take for my wounds to be healed.  Though my pain is still just below the surface, the scars, those hurt, and are my living reminder of YOUR glory, YOUR mercy in my life, that I survived.  

Because JESUS I survived finding my son lifeless in his toddler bed.  Because JESUS I survived the collapse in my driveway.  Because JESUS I survived planning the celebration of Seth's precious beautiful life on what was to be his second birthday.  Because JESUS I bravely walked through the cemetery that same day to choose his earthly resting place for his body.  Because JESUS I survived standing on the stage telling the world about my sweet Seth Daniel.  Because JESUS I survived watching, waiting as they placed his little casket before me.  Because JESUS.....

Because JESUS I survived years of depression, PTSD, severe anxiety, and years of sorrow.  Because JESUS I survived months of agony in the early days of Seth's passing.  Because JESUS YOUR promises are TRUE, and YOU planted them deeply in my heart.  Because JESUS YOU blessed us with my precious daughter Joy.  Because JESUS YOU taught me to be FEARLESS in my pregnancy with Joy.  Because JESUS you showed me that I could TRUST YOU, because of my life before losing Seth YOU proved YOURSELF to be Trustworthy.

Because JESUS when the pain was all I could feel, YOU were there holding me.  Because JESUS when pain bubbled up and out of me, spilling all around me and other people stepped back, YOU JESUS stepped closer, pulled me close in YOUR loving arms, held me, caught all of my tears Because JESUS YOU are Loving.

Because JESUS when I share my story of the most horrific week of my life my tears may fall, but the agony I once felt, I no longer feel, Because JESUS YOU are Merciful.  Because JESUS YOU knew that one day the agony would leave, and sorrow would settle in. Because JESUS YOU had me grieve openly, in a real raw grief, revealing the depth of my pain to this broken and fallen world in only a way that YOU can.  Because JESUS only in agony am I able to write that way.  Because JESUS YOU gave me the Strength to journal to share what I was going through.

Because JESUS YOU knew my journey would be a Light for others going through darkness.  Because JESUS YOU knew that though I took time, YOU knew that I would seek YOU, and allow YOU to Refine, Renew, Restore, and Rebuild me.  Because JESUS I have been chosen to live this life I have been given.  Because JESUS YOU knew how much I would ache and hurt, YOU knew I would need to rebuilt Strong as YOUR warrior princess.  Because JESUS YOU have lovingly taken the time to teach me that YOU are my only KING FOREVER.

Because JESUS YOU are my only HOPE.  Because JESUS CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE YOU are my SOLID ROCK FOUNDATION of which I am able to stand firm, to press into in times of trouble, to lean on, to Rest, to find Comfort in YOUR Loving embrace.  Because JESUS with just ONE TOUCH  YOU radically changed my life forever.  YOU reached down and Rescued this little girl lost, YOU Saved me LORD from the depths of hell.  

Because JESUS YOU have given me the Strength to endure the tests, trials, and storms of my life.  Because JESUS YOU have filled me with Courage to be Fearless in everything that I face.  Because JESUS with YOU I can do all things, Because JESUS YOU can, YOU do, and YOU always will.  Because JESUS YOU NEVER grow weary from Helping me navigate through the darkness of this world.  Because JESUS YOU are Steadfast in YOUR Promises to never leave me, nor forsake me.  Because JESUS though I am weak, YOU are Strong.  

Because JESUS though I've wanted to quit so many times in this journey of my life, YOU have kept me Anchored in YOUR HOPE, so that I may Persevere through all that which the enemy, my enemy "tries" to take me out with.  Because JESUS YOU have a Plan for my life, one to Prosper me to Give me HOPE and a Future.  Because JESUS YOU are in my today's and will be in my tomorrows before I even begin them.  Because JESUS that is WHO YOU are.  Because JESUS that is how much you Love.

Because JESUS YOU took the time to Teach, Lead, and Guide to know, to understand WHO you are, to planted deep into my heart, rooted firmly to my soul, YOUR promises so that when the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable happened in my life..... Because JESUS YOU are the only reason I survived.  Because JESUS I survived because I clung to YOUR Promises because YOU gave me HOPE when there was nothing else to hold onto, all Because JESUS YOU taught me I am YOURS, and YOU are mine.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you are hurting today, you will turn to the only ONE WHO can HEAL you.  I pray for your broken wounded heart.  Friends, I know you are weary, HE knows just how weary you are, I know how hurt you are feeling, so much that you're thinking, "you have no idea,"  you're probably right, but HE does, and if you'll let HIM in, HE will bind up your wounds, HE will make you whole, HE will pour HIS strength into, HE will SHINE HIS light on you, and HE will give you HOPE and a Future.  Friends, I am praying and believing that HE is TRUSTWORTHY for me, for you for all of us.  I pray that HE will surround you with people to help you in your journey, and will give you the guidance to work though all that of which the enemy has tried to wipe you out with.  Dear ones, I pray you know that you are never alone, HE is always with you.  Answer HIS gentle knock on your heart, and I promise you will experience the most radical change in your life.

Always with so much love, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather

new.....

"Chains fall..... fear bow.... here now.... JESUS YOU change EVERYTHING...... Lives healed.... hope found..... here now..... JESUS YOU change EVERYTHING."  Passion " Holy Ground"

My new life began on June 22, 2004 as I rose up out of the water as a new creation in CHRIST JESUS.   

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

My new life was full of gradual change at first, but then nine months into receiving Salvation, my life took a major turn, one that threw me straight into HIS loving arms.  A journey of HIM pulling back the shades on all that had been hidden in my past, my childhood, all the abuse that I suffered in the darkness.  The lies, the manipulations, the fears, the horrific memories of all that had been inflicted upon me as a little girl.  HE began to SHINE HIS light on everything, and brought all of my darkness out into HIS light, and HE began the process of binding up my wounds from the inside out. 

Nine months of intense therapy twice a week brought me to a peaceful place of healing when it came to my childhood, and thus began a new journey of forgiveness for all of the people who hurt me, and who allowed such pain to be inflicted upon me.  One by one, HE led me with HIS grace, and taught me how to forgive, how to love, and filled me with HIS wisdom to SEE what had happened to the people in their own lives, as to why I was hurt so deeply.

With each new step I took in forgiving, accepting, and embracing my calling, my purpose for my life, I was determined, that NO ONE PERSON would ever have to live in the darkness, that I would share my story with this broken and fallen world, to give HOPE, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of abuse, the shame, the guilt, the brokenness, and the immense heartbreak that abuse caused.  The fear, the distrust, the anxiety, all of it, I would BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, I would go into the darkness, I would speak HIS TRUTH, and I would BE  HIS LIGHT SHINER.  I was determined that this was my purpose, my calling. 

As I began to share my story, HE had me begin this blog, and from the beginning HE let me know that I was to be transparent in my writings.  HE let  me know that this blog had nothing to do with me, and had EVERYTHING to do with HIM reaching the last, the least, and the lost in this broken and fallen world.  That it wouldn't be for my benefit, to make me feel good, rather for HIS GLORY.  

To be honest, when I started this blog, I thought I understood completely what HE was telling me, as it was about my past, and I was at peace with my past, and I knew that was only because of HIM.  When I look back on my writings whenever I felt worried that I would offend someone, HE silenced my fears, and let me know that it was for HIS glory not mine.  In fact whenever I wrote something that was self-serving HE never allowed me to publish it.  My computer would always malfunction, and would just delete.  Humbled I would seek HIM and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to write, to share, to speak HIS TRUTH, to SHINE HIS LIGHT where HE called me.

For a year I shared HIS truth, and I learned WHO HE was, is, and always will be.  I learned HIS promises, and planted them, deeply rooted in my heart.  Thinking..... all because it was my purpose to know HIM, to share HIS TRUTH in the lives of those who are still trapped their journeys of abuse.  Thinking..... I would be put on a stage to speak to women to encourage, to share my life story, before JESUS and after.  Thinking.... prayer would be my ministry, I would invite women into my home, to pray, to love them, to teach them how to proclaim HIS promises for their lives.  Thinking...... oh if only I had known.... 

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come just one short year later.... Losing Seth.... losing me.... my mind, my heart being shattered.... thinking back... I still remember when the switch flipped in the moments laying face down waiting.... to be rescued.... in my driveway in the rain..... in the mud..... in my socks...... my cries of agony...... without realizing that a new life had begun..... life with a piece of me living in HEAVEN.....

Driving home that night, feeling of disbelief, shock, and total confusion.... how GOD, WHY.... what.... what now..... how do we tell our other children..... oh my GOD Sethie.... my Sethie...... the silence in the truck with D and I was deafening.... "My hope is built on nothing less.... than JESUS blood and righteousness.... I dare not trust...... the sweetest frame.... but wholly trust in JESUS name..... Christ alone..... Cornerstone.... the weak made strong.... in the Savior's love..... and through the storm...... HE is LORD..... LORD of all....." Cornerstone by Hillsong United.

Two nights ago, I found myself driving to our church's first women's conference.  Tears drenching my cheeks before I even arrived, a heaviness... an overwhelming need for relief... overcame me..... and before my feet even hit the ground.... I found myself completely undone....

I walked through the door and saw my therapist, my beautiful sister in CHRIST K.  She hugged me, asked me what was wrong, and the tears just kept falling.  Tears that I couldn't even explain, but I could feel something rising up within me.... something new....

The night began with worship, and try as I might I couldn't stop crying.... even when we were singing upbeat songs of praise.  My tears violently fell... and all I could think was "thank goodness I wore a black cardigan to wipe up all my tears."  The more I cried, the more I began to seek HIM for answers as to WHY, what was going on within me..... and the band started to play "Cornerstone."  

At that point in the night I was done.... so over crying, and needed desperately to understand WHY I was even there.  I mean after all I could have stayed home and cried, in the comfort and shelter of my home.  However, what I know now is that HE didn't want me comfortable, HE wanted me exposed, vulnerable, to be broken open... to HE could reveal what was really hurting me.  

Thus began a tough weekend of getting my butt kicked spiritually in letting go the victim mentality, and stepping into HIS light..... putting on HIS armor.... and standing FIRM to BE HIS warrior.  Words of affirmation that it was time to take my life back.  STOP living the narrative that this world has placed on me.  Hearing loud and clear that I had allowed myself to become to lost in my own despair, that I had forgotten ALL that HE had done in my past, and even though my pain, my sorrow is far different than that of my past of which I am now FREE, HE is wanting the same thing for me in the tragedy of losing my son.

While driving to church this morning with D and three of our children the words, "I feel like going there means you're all moving on."  Heartbroken words spoken by one of my children. Words so full of emotion ranging from anger, disbelief... and complete despair.  I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Dear Heart your new narrative is "moving forward.... making the choice daily to let MY LIGHT SHINE in the darkness of your tragedy, or continue down this path of despair, and allow your enemy to steal your JOY."

New..... thinking.... perspective...... battle to be won..... TRUTH........ CONFIDENCE..... all of it so overwhelming to me.... yet so freeing.  I am SEEING my life with a fresh new pair of eyes.... I am SEEING my story..... HIS Story as a beautiful story of redemption.  A story of a FATHER moving the heavens to reach HIS daughter, to save her from the evil of this world.  A story of a FATHER lovingly, compassionately, tenderly binding up her wounds with HIS unconditional love.  Filling her heart with HIS love, and pouring HIS strength into her, through her, and allowing it to flow through her as HIS living water soothes all of the aches and pains that she has had to endure in this world.  A story where a FATHER teaches a little girl lost..... just how much she is loved and cherished.  A story so full of HIS grace, HIS mercy where she no longer has to feel left out... abandoned.... alone.... or afraid.  A story of a FATHER WHO made sure that she knew that HE would make beauty from the ashes of her being put through the fire.  A story where a FATHER would lovingly refine, restore, renew... and rebuild HIS warrior PRINCESS DAUGHTER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE.  HIS BEAUTIFUL BELOVED LIGHT SHINER to BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.  

Once again in my life, HE is making all things new in me... for me...... ALL for HIS GLORY.  To GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER and EVER.

~ Heather 

hidden....

I'm ready to turn forty in just four short months.  I am ready because my thirty's have been brutal to me.  It has been by far the most challenging, excruciatingly painful decade of my life.  My thirty's hold so many memories of self destruction, anger, strife, identity crisis, marital problems, divorces door step more than once.  Weight gain, PTSD, therapy, medication, sleepless nights, and overwhelming sorrow.  

Today during a conversation I found myself saying all of that in one sentence.  "I'm so ready to turn forty, as my thirty's were brutal, and by far the worst decade of my life".  As soon as I said it, I felt HIM tug on my heart, "Dear Heart, I know this rainy season has kept you from sunshine, but take heart Dear Heart, I'm here, and the sun is shining in your life again.  You've made it, keep clinging to ME, and come sit with ME for a while as I take you back to all the goodness hidden in the darkness that needs to come to the light for you to see all that you've forgotten."

Here's what HE reminded me of this afternoon of all HIS goodness that happened in my thirty's.  When my thirtieth birthday rolled around, I found out that I had been chosen to be my now nine year old son's mama.  D and I were shocked as we had three daughters, and were convinced that we would have another girl.  Much to our surprise and complete delight HE blessed us with our first born son.  

When I turned thirty-two I began to seek answers as to WHO I was, and what HIS gifts were in my life, and how I was to use them. ( previously I was completely self destructing as I didn't understand how to tell my story, all I knew was the pain I had endured, and desperately needed validation for my pain)  HE led me to a new church where I met with one of the Pastor's and began a spiritual gifts evaluation.  After two weeks, a test, and counseling, I learned that mercy, discernment, and wisdom were my top three.  I also learned that prayer, and teaching made the top five.  When he said prayer, I was like, "oh no way, I hate praying."  Yes seriously, I said that.... a little back story, I never liked to pray in public, out loud, and never felt as if though I really understood how to pray.  I felt inadequate with my words, and that my prayers didn't make any sense.  I was nervous as to what other people would think if they heard me pray.  So naturally when he said prayer, I was horrified and pushed the thought as deep down as I could.

When I turned thirty-three I started attending a church I left during a particularly hard learning rainy season of life,  There I found myself signing up for a prayer class.  Yes, me, Heather, who hated to pray was signing up for prayer class.  It was there that would learn and understand how to be an intercessor to prayer.  It was also when I would learn that D and I were expecting once again.  I was shocked to put it lightly, and felt strongly that I needed to pray for the precious little life in my womb.  

I began to pray, and dream what life would be like as a mama of five, and just as soon as I began dreaming, it was only a few short weeks later that I would learn that I suffered a subchorionic hematoma (placenta detached) the baby had survived but needed to be on bed rest, and start progesterone injections.  I was devastated, but so determined that the baby would be HIS miracle in my life, and that would be a part of my story that I would share of HIS goodness (afterall.... I was faithful.)  

Two days later in my bathroom with D holding tight to me, I suffered my second miscarriage.  To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  I was crushed, confused, and couldn't understand WHY HE had allowed us to lose once again.  I mean I got why when I was twenty-five I miscarried, I was newly in FAITH, but not really walking with the LORD yet, but now, I was so dedicated, so committed.... well at least I thought I was.

When I turned thirty-four I was in the middle of my pregnancy with Seth.  By far the hardest pregnancy I had at that time.  I was on progesterone injections twice weekly, and to be honest too terrified to become attached to my baby, as what if I lost him, how could I possibly survive yet another loss, another heartbreak in my life?  So for the first four months of my pregnancy, I cried daily, and asked HIM why.... why now, how could I ever be a good mom to a baby that I was too terrified to love, to embrace, to dream for.... much less to pray for.

Slowly as each month passed the danger months and when I was able to stop the injections, I started to breathe.... to dream..... to pray.  I would dream of the days where my boy's would be outside playing together, racing cars across the kitchen floor, taking bubble baths, and laughing at all the water that washed the bathroom floor for me.  I dreamt of the nights of tuck ins, stories, cuddles, and kisses good night.  I dreamt of them dating, the girls they would bring home to meet their Mama, their wives, their children.  I dreamt of sports they would play, and the hair pulling moments I would endure as a mom of boys.

If I'm being honest that last paragraph hurt to type, as it's been awhile since I went back into those memories of praying, dreaming, hoping, and anticipating life with my two boys.  As by now you know, or maybe you don't that sadly my hopes, dreams, and prayers have all gone unanswered as sadly D and I lost Seth just two days before his second birthday.  His death was tragic, devastating, and obliterated me.  On Sunday October 19, 2014 we laid to rest Seth's earthly body.... along with our hopes, dreams, and prayers for our precious son, and our life as we knew it with two boys.

When I turned thirty six, I was deep into my discovery of who HE is, and was dedicated to writing and posting on this very blog daily.  HE was taking me through so many challenging moments of forgiveness, and little did I know was preparing me, teaching me HIS promises, planting, and deeply rooting HIS word in the deepest part of my heart, as little did I know just how much I would cling to HIS promises.

I have often said that nothing could have prepared me for 4pm October 13, 2014, but if I am being honest, HE did, HE has, and will continue to do so.  I say this because since the worst day of my entire life, I have learned that HIS love SEES so much farther than I ever could. I have realized that HE loves me so much that HE took those two years prior to Seth's passing to prepare my heart so that I would know WHO HE is, and WHOSE I am, and it was after Seth's passing, the next three years that I would fully experience, and discover what it means to be HIS.  

When I turned thirty-seven I was expecting our daughter Joy, and we had just moved into a new home.  Double the blessings was the motto of our lives.  I found myself being able to breathe in our new home, yet I was still struggling to do.... to think..... to be....... all which led me to therapy, treatment, medication, and slowly HE began to work in the depression, anger, jealousy, PTSD, and the most overwhelming sorrow I've ever known.

When I turned thirty-eight I was deep in the ocean of grief.... the darkness was all around, and all I could SEE was a glimmer of light, a glimmer of HOPE, of which I clung to.  HIS lighthouse.....was my lifeline.   I was terrified of drowning, and was in horrendous pain from all the suffering that my family and I had endured.  I was too afraid to be HOPEFUL for our future, as it seemed that even though we were already suffering, life was getting harder, our family was hanging on by a thread, and when I looked around I didn't recognize any of us.  I felt like it was all just a dream.... the worst nightmare.... and I was begging for HIM to come wake me up.

This past June I turned thirty-nine, and that is when I really began to experience the breakthrough that I had been praying for.  I remember slowly feeling more like myself as my brain didn't hurt anymore to think, and I finally felt like being domestic, (prior to that time I couldn't have cared less about how my house looked on a daily basis, feeding my family meant ordering out, and as long as my family knew where things were in the house, I didn't care where things were stored.)  Within three short months I was fully independent from medication and treatment, and found myself leaning in and pressing into HIM for help.  I began to realize that my story was a survivor's story, a story of surviving the fall from the jagged cliff, plunging into the deepest darkest ocean of pain, sorrow, and agony.  A survivor who clawed her way onto the distant shore......only to have the tides of grief sweep her back out into the ocean.  Clawing, her way back, finally making it back onto the shore, and slowly with HIS help standing.  A story of a wife and Mama of six who fought hard to live and not give into the horrendous circumstances of her life.  A story of triumph that no matter what happened to her, she didn't give up, she clung to JESUS she placed ALL her trust in HIM, and HE helped her learn to stand, and to BE HIS light as a SURVIVOR ON THE SHORE.

As I sit here typing my story today is, I have learned that the tides of grief will still drag me back into the ocean from time to time, but I can TRUST, I can know that HE is there helping me, filling me with HIS TRUTH, overwhelming me with HIS peace, and drenching me in HIS grace as I learn to live with the grief that ebb's and flows in my life.  I am learning that HIS mission, HIS purpose for my life, is to take me into the hidden places of me to SHIINE HIS light so that I will live out HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life.  I am learning to embrace all the things that the enemy banks on to break me, to allow HIS grace to uncover, to help, to guide, to teach, to lead me to BE HIS LIGHT as a SURVIVOR ON THE SHORE for those who find themselves clawing their way to the distant shore.  

Thinking back to my conversation today leaves me feeling grateful, for HIM loving me enough to speak HIS TRUTH into the deepest part of my heart, and revealing all that has been hidden

I am overwhelmed by how patient HE is with me, and waiting for me to SEEK HIM as HE reveals all that which has been buried deep within me.  I am thankful that HE is my REDEEMER, HE IS ALIVE in me, and HE is continuing to do HIS GOOD WORKS within me.  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

I pray today that if you find yourself lost, alone, confused, wondering how in the world did you get to where you are.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and let HIM take you on an amazing journey of discovery as HE uncovers all that has been hidden deep within you.  I pray that as HE does you will SEE and experience just how much HE loves you.  I pray friends, that if you find yourself in a place to hurt to move, to think, to do, to be, I pray that you will feel HIS presence as HE encompasses you in HIS love.  I pray that you will feel HIS overwhelming peace, and you will know that HE is there, waiting for you, and all you have to do is breathe..... breathe and know Dear Ones, HE loves you.

Always with so much love, compassion, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

anchored....

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul"  Hebrews 6:19

It is not lost on me that in my darkest hour of the impending darkness that would cover our home, our family, our life, our very existence that HE reminded me of a promise that I had learned just two short years before.  On the night of Seth's passing my mind was racing as to how..... why..... what do I say.... how do we tell them their baby brother died?  The silence in the long (10 minute) drive home was deafening.  It was as if the whole world swallowed us whole, and though life was going on around us, we were living a nightmare that we just couldn't wake up from. 

My tears had stopped as I tried to think of what to say, and when my words failed, HIS HOLY SPIRIT began to speak for me through song.  Instead of crying out my anguish, the words flowed from my heart, "my hope is built on nothing less, than JESUS blood and righteousness, I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in JESUS name.  CHRIST alone, CORNERSTONE, the weak made strong in the SAVIORS love, and through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of all."

 The memories of that night flowed through my mind...... and captured my heart in this very thought.  HE loved me enough to teach me of HIS promises so that when my darkest hours were upon me, when I felt as though I would die from the pain, agony, and sorrow I endured, I would cling to HIS promise that with HIM I would always be anchored.

If you are on social media with me either on Facebook or Instagram there is a hashtag that HE has placed on my heart to use whenever I am sharing what HIS promises look like in my life, how HE has helped me in surviving the loss of my son, and overcoming the grief, living with the sorrow, finding JOY in the heartache, all because I am #anchoredinhishope.

To be honest when I first started using that hashtag, I didn't realize fully what it meant.  I mean sure I knew partially what it meant for me, but really it wasn't until this morning that HE took me to the next level of what HIS promises mean for my life.  HE is leading me to the next steps of how to share my story of being anchored.  Today HE is asking me to share the ways in which HIS promises have filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE.... CERTAINTY.... that in HIM, with HIM there is always HOPE.

HE is reminding me of the past three years where I have clung to HIM.  My prayers full of tears, asking why, how, and what now.  HE's heard my cries of anguish in the disbelief that this is my life, that Seth's life here on earth is just over, no warning, no time to say goodbye, just over.  HE is telling me that HE has been there every single step of the way when someone has questioned me how I could possibly go on, or for the people who've worried that I would give up.  HE knows how frustrating it has been for me to defend myself, proving myself, explaining myself, and HE is letting me know that today it's not my job to defend, rather share HIS promises, and when we remind ourselves, eventually HIS promises will go from our ears, to be embedded deep in our hearts. 

HE is letting me know that it's not so much about me sharing all my struggles anymore, rather WHO HE is in the storms of my life.  I mean after all I'm human, so of course there is trouble in my life.  HE is telling me that it's time that I share what it means to be anchored in HIS HOPE. 

For the past eight days I have participated in a thirty one day prayer challenge for my husband.  To be honest with you when I first started praying I was like, "finally I'm going to get HIM to change my husband."  Ha!  Oh man I should have realized that humble pie that I would be eating.  It didn't take long for my selfishness to take over in my prayers, and on the second day my heart was wrecked at first in a bitter.... jealous way.... and it wasn't until I fully surrendered to HIM and allowed HIM to work in me, did I SEE and know what it mean to really pray for HIS will for my husband, and not me just making "suggestions."

As I was taking notes during today's message I felt HIM speak deep into my heart about if I am able to share about HIS promises, and how I clung to them in the past three years of surviving and learning to live again with a piece of my heart living in heaven, then why is my soul so downcast when it comes to the other struggles in my life?  Had I not realized that HE wasn't going to just be there for helping me learn to live with the loss of my son, rather HE cares so deeply for me, that just as HIS promises kept me anchored in my darkest hours, HIS promises are there for me in every.single.aspect. of my life.  That NOTHING in my life goes unnoticed by HIM.  That HE SEES farther than I ever could, and I NEED NOT to worry about a thing, no matter how bad I am hurting, or worrying, HE is there, and HE is with me always.  This my friends is #anchoredinhishope.

HE is letting me know that even though I SEE my problems as worldly and not as dire as losing my son, and healing and recovering from having my heart shattered, by now surely I will have learned that HE is WHO HE says HE IS!!!  HE DOES what HE PROMISES!!! HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! HE IS UNSHAKEN!!!! HE IS UNCHANGING!!!  HE IS MERCIFUL!!!  HIS LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL!!!  HE IS OUR HEALER!!!  HE WILL MEET EVERY SINGLE NEED!!!  HE IS ALIVE!!! When we cling to HIS PROMISES, friends that is when we are ANCHORED in HIS HOPE!!!!

In being #anchoredinhishope I can tell you that HIS WORD IS TRUE!!! 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Friends, I know this to be true, as I have lived this for the past three years of my life.  I can tell you that there were months where all I could do was cry out, "I hurt"  and HE responded, "I know I am with you."  

"My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Psalm 42:3

For the longest time I remember thinking, "will I ever stop crying?"  I felt as though crying would be what I was going to have to do for the rest of my life.  That HE made me this emotional mess of a person, and my journey would be that of tears.  I can honestly tell you my tears lie just beneath the surface, however I can now endure daily living without falling apart.  That is not to say that I'm not easily stirred when it comes to all that I have endured in losing my son.  However because HE has been there with me, catching all of my tears, and giving me, filling me with purpose for my pain, HIS glory SHINES through me, and I am able to share that even though I still cry, it's not of pain or anguish, rather its tears of reverence, memories, and love for HIM and for my sweet Seth Daniel.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

It was during my time in the ocean of overwhelming, sorrow, sadness, anger, depression, and the deepest grief I've ever known that I clung to HIS promises, HIS PROMISE that HE would never leave me nor forsake me.  It was then that I told myself that I could do this, I could endure this suffering, as I knew HE would redeem me from my anger, my strife, my agony, my suffering, and it wasn't a matter of if, it was always when.  That's not to say that in my weakest moments with the enemy taunting me to give up, that surely I couldn't possibly keep trusting HIM, after all HE took away my son, HE broke my heart, and HE doesn't love me or care about me.  It was in those moments that HE taught me about RIGHTEOUS ANGER, and I learned to pray for strength to endure whatever was happening, whatever steps I needed to take for healing and recovery I could do, I would do.  All because HE had deeply rooted HIS PROMISES in my heart that kept me #anchoredinhishope.

I could probably write for another ten hours of all the ways HE has helped me and has kept me from letting go.  What I will end with today is this, friends HIS word says it best 

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that HIS word will be an infallible source of comfort, wisdom, and discernment that will teach, lead, and guide you to run your race, to fulfill you purpose as a part of HIS mission.  Friends I pray that if you are growing weary, that you will cling to HIS PROMISES, speak them, meditate on them, and proclaim them for your life so that you to will be  #anchoredinhishope.  I pray that HIS word which is full of stories of triumph, hope, perserverence, will encourage, uplift, and cheer you on to keep your eyes on JESUS so that you will finish your race all for HIS glory.  Friends, take heart, HE is with you always, and will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.  HE is with us always, as we bravely, courageously, with hearts abandoned risk the cliffs and the oceans to tell the world about JESUS.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Always Dear ones,  with much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather