new.....

"Chains fall..... fear bow.... here now.... JESUS YOU change EVERYTHING...... Lives healed.... hope found..... here now..... JESUS YOU change EVERYTHING."  Passion " Holy Ground"

My new life began on June 22, 2004 as I rose up out of the water as a new creation in CHRIST JESUS.   

" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

My new life was full of gradual change at first, but then nine months into receiving Salvation, my life took a major turn, one that threw me straight into HIS loving arms.  A journey of HIM pulling back the shades on all that had been hidden in my past, my childhood, all the abuse that I suffered in the darkness.  The lies, the manipulations, the fears, the horrific memories of all that had been inflicted upon me as a little girl.  HE began to SHINE HIS light on everything, and brought all of my darkness out into HIS light, and HE began the process of binding up my wounds from the inside out. 

Nine months of intense therapy twice a week brought me to a peaceful place of healing when it came to my childhood, and thus began a new journey of forgiveness for all of the people who hurt me, and who allowed such pain to be inflicted upon me.  One by one, HE led me with HIS grace, and taught me how to forgive, how to love, and filled me with HIS wisdom to SEE what had happened to the people in their own lives, as to why I was hurt so deeply.

With each new step I took in forgiving, accepting, and embracing my calling, my purpose for my life, I was determined, that NO ONE PERSON would ever have to live in the darkness, that I would share my story with this broken and fallen world, to give HOPE, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of abuse, the shame, the guilt, the brokenness, and the immense heartbreak that abuse caused.  The fear, the distrust, the anxiety, all of it, I would BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, I would go into the darkness, I would speak HIS TRUTH, and I would BE  HIS LIGHT SHINER.  I was determined that this was my purpose, my calling. 

As I began to share my story, HE had me begin this blog, and from the beginning HE let me know that I was to be transparent in my writings.  HE let  me know that this blog had nothing to do with me, and had EVERYTHING to do with HIM reaching the last, the least, and the lost in this broken and fallen world.  That it wouldn't be for my benefit, to make me feel good, rather for HIS GLORY.  

To be honest, when I started this blog, I thought I understood completely what HE was telling me, as it was about my past, and I was at peace with my past, and I knew that was only because of HIM.  When I look back on my writings whenever I felt worried that I would offend someone, HE silenced my fears, and let me know that it was for HIS glory not mine.  In fact whenever I wrote something that was self-serving HE never allowed me to publish it.  My computer would always malfunction, and would just delete.  Humbled I would seek HIM and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to write, to share, to speak HIS TRUTH, to SHINE HIS LIGHT where HE called me.

For a year I shared HIS truth, and I learned WHO HE was, is, and always will be.  I learned HIS promises, and planted them, deeply rooted in my heart.  Thinking..... all because it was my purpose to know HIM, to share HIS TRUTH in the lives of those who are still trapped their journeys of abuse.  Thinking..... I would be put on a stage to speak to women to encourage, to share my life story, before JESUS and after.  Thinking.... prayer would be my ministry, I would invite women into my home, to pray, to love them, to teach them how to proclaim HIS promises for their lives.  Thinking...... oh if only I had known.... 

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come just one short year later.... Losing Seth.... losing me.... my mind, my heart being shattered.... thinking back... I still remember when the switch flipped in the moments laying face down waiting.... to be rescued.... in my driveway in the rain..... in the mud..... in my socks...... my cries of agony...... without realizing that a new life had begun..... life with a piece of me living in HEAVEN.....

Driving home that night, feeling of disbelief, shock, and total confusion.... how GOD, WHY.... what.... what now..... how do we tell our other children..... oh my GOD Sethie.... my Sethie...... the silence in the truck with D and I was deafening.... "My hope is built on nothing less.... than JESUS blood and righteousness.... I dare not trust...... the sweetest frame.... but wholly trust in JESUS name..... Christ alone..... Cornerstone.... the weak made strong.... in the Savior's love..... and through the storm...... HE is LORD..... LORD of all....." Cornerstone by Hillsong United.

Two nights ago, I found myself driving to our church's first women's conference.  Tears drenching my cheeks before I even arrived, a heaviness... an overwhelming need for relief... overcame me..... and before my feet even hit the ground.... I found myself completely undone....

I walked through the door and saw my therapist, my beautiful sister in CHRIST K.  She hugged me, asked me what was wrong, and the tears just kept falling.  Tears that I couldn't even explain, but I could feel something rising up within me.... something new....

The night began with worship, and try as I might I couldn't stop crying.... even when we were singing upbeat songs of praise.  My tears violently fell... and all I could think was "thank goodness I wore a black cardigan to wipe up all my tears."  The more I cried, the more I began to seek HIM for answers as to WHY, what was going on within me..... and the band started to play "Cornerstone."  

At that point in the night I was done.... so over crying, and needed desperately to understand WHY I was even there.  I mean after all I could have stayed home and cried, in the comfort and shelter of my home.  However, what I know now is that HE didn't want me comfortable, HE wanted me exposed, vulnerable, to be broken open... to HE could reveal what was really hurting me.  

Thus began a tough weekend of getting my butt kicked spiritually in letting go the victim mentality, and stepping into HIS light..... putting on HIS armor.... and standing FIRM to BE HIS warrior.  Words of affirmation that it was time to take my life back.  STOP living the narrative that this world has placed on me.  Hearing loud and clear that I had allowed myself to become to lost in my own despair, that I had forgotten ALL that HE had done in my past, and even though my pain, my sorrow is far different than that of my past of which I am now FREE, HE is wanting the same thing for me in the tragedy of losing my son.

While driving to church this morning with D and three of our children the words, "I feel like going there means you're all moving on."  Heartbroken words spoken by one of my children. Words so full of emotion ranging from anger, disbelief... and complete despair.  I felt HIM speak straight to my heart..... "Dear Heart your new narrative is "moving forward.... making the choice daily to let MY LIGHT SHINE in the darkness of your tragedy, or continue down this path of despair, and allow your enemy to steal your JOY."

New..... thinking.... perspective...... battle to be won..... TRUTH........ CONFIDENCE..... all of it so overwhelming to me.... yet so freeing.  I am SEEING my life with a fresh new pair of eyes.... I am SEEING my story..... HIS Story as a beautiful story of redemption.  A story of a FATHER moving the heavens to reach HIS daughter, to save her from the evil of this world.  A story of a FATHER lovingly, compassionately, tenderly binding up her wounds with HIS unconditional love.  Filling her heart with HIS love, and pouring HIS strength into her, through her, and allowing it to flow through her as HIS living water soothes all of the aches and pains that she has had to endure in this world.  A story where a FATHER teaches a little girl lost..... just how much she is loved and cherished.  A story so full of HIS grace, HIS mercy where she no longer has to feel left out... abandoned.... alone.... or afraid.  A story of a FATHER WHO made sure that she knew that HE would make beauty from the ashes of her being put through the fire.  A story where a FATHER would lovingly refine, restore, renew... and rebuild HIS warrior PRINCESS DAUGHTER, HIS ROYAL TREASURE.  HIS BEAUTIFUL BELOVED LIGHT SHINER to BE HIS MESSENGER of HOPE.  

Once again in my life, HE is making all things new in me... for me...... ALL for HIS GLORY.  To GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER and EVER.

~ Heather