hidden....

I'm ready to turn forty in just four short months.  I am ready because my thirty's have been brutal to me.  It has been by far the most challenging, excruciatingly painful decade of my life.  My thirty's hold so many memories of self destruction, anger, strife, identity crisis, marital problems, divorces door step more than once.  Weight gain, PTSD, therapy, medication, sleepless nights, and overwhelming sorrow.  

Today during a conversation I found myself saying all of that in one sentence.  "I'm so ready to turn forty, as my thirty's were brutal, and by far the worst decade of my life".  As soon as I said it, I felt HIM tug on my heart, "Dear Heart, I know this rainy season has kept you from sunshine, but take heart Dear Heart, I'm here, and the sun is shining in your life again.  You've made it, keep clinging to ME, and come sit with ME for a while as I take you back to all the goodness hidden in the darkness that needs to come to the light for you to see all that you've forgotten."

Here's what HE reminded me of this afternoon of all HIS goodness that happened in my thirty's.  When my thirtieth birthday rolled around, I found out that I had been chosen to be my now nine year old son's mama.  D and I were shocked as we had three daughters, and were convinced that we would have another girl.  Much to our surprise and complete delight HE blessed us with our first born son.  

When I turned thirty-two I began to seek answers as to WHO I was, and what HIS gifts were in my life, and how I was to use them. ( previously I was completely self destructing as I didn't understand how to tell my story, all I knew was the pain I had endured, and desperately needed validation for my pain)  HE led me to a new church where I met with one of the Pastor's and began a spiritual gifts evaluation.  After two weeks, a test, and counseling, I learned that mercy, discernment, and wisdom were my top three.  I also learned that prayer, and teaching made the top five.  When he said prayer, I was like, "oh no way, I hate praying."  Yes seriously, I said that.... a little back story, I never liked to pray in public, out loud, and never felt as if though I really understood how to pray.  I felt inadequate with my words, and that my prayers didn't make any sense.  I was nervous as to what other people would think if they heard me pray.  So naturally when he said prayer, I was horrified and pushed the thought as deep down as I could.

When I turned thirty-three I started attending a church I left during a particularly hard learning rainy season of life,  There I found myself signing up for a prayer class.  Yes, me, Heather, who hated to pray was signing up for prayer class.  It was there that would learn and understand how to be an intercessor to prayer.  It was also when I would learn that D and I were expecting once again.  I was shocked to put it lightly, and felt strongly that I needed to pray for the precious little life in my womb.  

I began to pray, and dream what life would be like as a mama of five, and just as soon as I began dreaming, it was only a few short weeks later that I would learn that I suffered a subchorionic hematoma (placenta detached) the baby had survived but needed to be on bed rest, and start progesterone injections.  I was devastated, but so determined that the baby would be HIS miracle in my life, and that would be a part of my story that I would share of HIS goodness (afterall.... I was faithful.)  

Two days later in my bathroom with D holding tight to me, I suffered my second miscarriage.  To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  I was crushed, confused, and couldn't understand WHY HE had allowed us to lose once again.  I mean I got why when I was twenty-five I miscarried, I was newly in FAITH, but not really walking with the LORD yet, but now, I was so dedicated, so committed.... well at least I thought I was.

When I turned thirty-four I was in the middle of my pregnancy with Seth.  By far the hardest pregnancy I had at that time.  I was on progesterone injections twice weekly, and to be honest too terrified to become attached to my baby, as what if I lost him, how could I possibly survive yet another loss, another heartbreak in my life?  So for the first four months of my pregnancy, I cried daily, and asked HIM why.... why now, how could I ever be a good mom to a baby that I was too terrified to love, to embrace, to dream for.... much less to pray for.

Slowly as each month passed the danger months and when I was able to stop the injections, I started to breathe.... to dream..... to pray.  I would dream of the days where my boy's would be outside playing together, racing cars across the kitchen floor, taking bubble baths, and laughing at all the water that washed the bathroom floor for me.  I dreamt of the nights of tuck ins, stories, cuddles, and kisses good night.  I dreamt of them dating, the girls they would bring home to meet their Mama, their wives, their children.  I dreamt of sports they would play, and the hair pulling moments I would endure as a mom of boys.

If I'm being honest that last paragraph hurt to type, as it's been awhile since I went back into those memories of praying, dreaming, hoping, and anticipating life with my two boys.  As by now you know, or maybe you don't that sadly my hopes, dreams, and prayers have all gone unanswered as sadly D and I lost Seth just two days before his second birthday.  His death was tragic, devastating, and obliterated me.  On Sunday October 19, 2014 we laid to rest Seth's earthly body.... along with our hopes, dreams, and prayers for our precious son, and our life as we knew it with two boys.

When I turned thirty six, I was deep into my discovery of who HE is, and was dedicated to writing and posting on this very blog daily.  HE was taking me through so many challenging moments of forgiveness, and little did I know was preparing me, teaching me HIS promises, planting, and deeply rooting HIS word in the deepest part of my heart, as little did I know just how much I would cling to HIS promises.

I have often said that nothing could have prepared me for 4pm October 13, 2014, but if I am being honest, HE did, HE has, and will continue to do so.  I say this because since the worst day of my entire life, I have learned that HIS love SEES so much farther than I ever could. I have realized that HE loves me so much that HE took those two years prior to Seth's passing to prepare my heart so that I would know WHO HE is, and WHOSE I am, and it was after Seth's passing, the next three years that I would fully experience, and discover what it means to be HIS.  

When I turned thirty-seven I was expecting our daughter Joy, and we had just moved into a new home.  Double the blessings was the motto of our lives.  I found myself being able to breathe in our new home, yet I was still struggling to do.... to think..... to be....... all which led me to therapy, treatment, medication, and slowly HE began to work in the depression, anger, jealousy, PTSD, and the most overwhelming sorrow I've ever known.

When I turned thirty-eight I was deep in the ocean of grief.... the darkness was all around, and all I could SEE was a glimmer of light, a glimmer of HOPE, of which I clung to.  HIS lighthouse.....was my lifeline.   I was terrified of drowning, and was in horrendous pain from all the suffering that my family and I had endured.  I was too afraid to be HOPEFUL for our future, as it seemed that even though we were already suffering, life was getting harder, our family was hanging on by a thread, and when I looked around I didn't recognize any of us.  I felt like it was all just a dream.... the worst nightmare.... and I was begging for HIM to come wake me up.

This past June I turned thirty-nine, and that is when I really began to experience the breakthrough that I had been praying for.  I remember slowly feeling more like myself as my brain didn't hurt anymore to think, and I finally felt like being domestic, (prior to that time I couldn't have cared less about how my house looked on a daily basis, feeding my family meant ordering out, and as long as my family knew where things were in the house, I didn't care where things were stored.)  Within three short months I was fully independent from medication and treatment, and found myself leaning in and pressing into HIM for help.  I began to realize that my story was a survivor's story, a story of surviving the fall from the jagged cliff, plunging into the deepest darkest ocean of pain, sorrow, and agony.  A survivor who clawed her way onto the distant shore......only to have the tides of grief sweep her back out into the ocean.  Clawing, her way back, finally making it back onto the shore, and slowly with HIS help standing.  A story of a wife and Mama of six who fought hard to live and not give into the horrendous circumstances of her life.  A story of triumph that no matter what happened to her, she didn't give up, she clung to JESUS she placed ALL her trust in HIM, and HE helped her learn to stand, and to BE HIS light as a SURVIVOR ON THE SHORE.

As I sit here typing my story today is, I have learned that the tides of grief will still drag me back into the ocean from time to time, but I can TRUST, I can know that HE is there helping me, filling me with HIS TRUTH, overwhelming me with HIS peace, and drenching me in HIS grace as I learn to live with the grief that ebb's and flows in my life.  I am learning that HIS mission, HIS purpose for my life, is to take me into the hidden places of me to SHIINE HIS light so that I will live out HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life.  I am learning to embrace all the things that the enemy banks on to break me, to allow HIS grace to uncover, to help, to guide, to teach, to lead me to BE HIS LIGHT as a SURVIVOR ON THE SHORE for those who find themselves clawing their way to the distant shore.  

Thinking back to my conversation today leaves me feeling grateful, for HIM loving me enough to speak HIS TRUTH into the deepest part of my heart, and revealing all that has been hidden

I am overwhelmed by how patient HE is with me, and waiting for me to SEEK HIM as HE reveals all that which has been buried deep within me.  I am thankful that HE is my REDEEMER, HE IS ALIVE in me, and HE is continuing to do HIS GOOD WORKS within me.  

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,

I pray today that if you find yourself lost, alone, confused, wondering how in the world did you get to where you are.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and let HIM take you on an amazing journey of discovery as HE uncovers all that has been hidden deep within you.  I pray that as HE does you will SEE and experience just how much HE loves you.  I pray friends, that if you find yourself in a place to hurt to move, to think, to do, to be, I pray that you will feel HIS presence as HE encompasses you in HIS love.  I pray that you will feel HIS overwhelming peace, and you will know that HE is there, waiting for you, and all you have to do is breathe..... breathe and know Dear Ones, HE loves you.

Always with so much love, compassion, prayers, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather