selfish Eve.....

This October D and I will celebrate twenty years of marriage.  This year also marks twenty three years together.  I would like to think that in making it thus far, we have a pretty good relationship.  We don't fight a lot, but we sure used to!  We don't have many harsh words for each other, and well speaking for myself I still really like him, and he still gives me butterflies.

That being said, I'm currently on day 26 of a 31 day prayer challenge for my husband.  When I first decided to do the challenge my first thought was, "oh yeah, I'll pray and finally I will SEE the LORD at work in D.  "Thinking" that my suggestions would be acceptable in "prayer form."  Thinking back, oh man did I set myself up, but surely as HE loves me, HE let me know almost immediately that the "suggestions" I would be making would actually be HIM taking me to a place where I would become beautifully broken.

On the third day of the challenge I was to pray for D's connection to GOD.  I was supposed to think about how I SEE JESUS in D, and well at first glance I wrote a scathing review.  It would only be a few short hours later that HE would begin to work deep in my heart and began a journey of revealing to me my selfish Eve ways.

This revelation about myself has both shocked me and convicted me in the hardest, but best of ways.  My world has been rocked by HIS vision, HIS light that has been shone on my selfishness in my marriage to D.  My eyes have been opened, and my heart is being softened to SEEING just how deep of a stronghold my enemy has on my heart when it comes to my husband.  To be honest, I am deeply grieved by what has been revealed, however I'm not going to just lay down and take these assaults on my heart anymore, I'm going to stand up, speak up, rise up, take courage and share my journey, my struggle of my selfish Eve ways.

As I was getting ready this morning, I felt HIM whisper to my heart. "Today you are going to share about being selfish Eve." I was so caught off guard that I immediately began to "try" to negotiate.... back down.... back out of what HE was telling me to do.  So much that after getting ready I grabbed my journal, pen, challenge paper, and bible.  As I dug deep into today's challenge, I felt HIM whisper again.... again I acted like I didn't hear HIM, and continued with today's challenge. 

When I finished today's journaling, I foolishly thought that would be good enough. Oh man I should have know that whenever I get in this big head of mine, HE'S going to be there to humble me.  Finally I picked up my pen, and wrote selfish Eve: standing in the way of GOD'S goodness for my husband

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Self Control: where am I exactly?  Do I practice self-control?  Do I wait on HIS timing and HIS provision for my life, my marriage, my family?  How does this affect my husband?

These questions made me cringe as I was writing them out.  At first glance I thought, oh I'm pretty good at controlling myself.... HA!  controlling is the key word.... HE let me know right away that HE isn't wanting me to be in control, rather to relinquish control to HIM, and allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me to making the right decisions for myself, that ultimately affect my husband, my marriage, and our family. HE revealed to me that so often in my sadness, my incessant need for things, I often make things happen, and don't bother waiting, praying, or even discussing things with D or HIM.  

"For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." 1 Timothy 6:7-8

Contentment:  Am I content?  Do I always want more?  Am I always expecting more?  Am I willing to live and bloom where I'm planted?  Am I always looking to the future, if I only I have, then I'll be..... How does this all affect Duane?  Our marriage?  Our family?  What am I teaching my children?  Will they become selfish Eve?

This question makes me cry, as I can tell you I have hated this season of my life so very much.  I have fought living this season with every fiber of my being, exhausting myself, "trying" to just merely survive this season.  I can tell you that I wish I were content, but if I'm being completely transparent, all I want to do most days is hide.  Run to somewhere in this world where memories won't flood my mind, what was, what isn't, what will never be.  The future scares me in the sense of TRUSTING HIM, as my life thus far has been so tremendously hard.  HE revealed to me that I'm willing to do what I need to do survive this life, but HE isn't interested in me merely surviving any longer.  HIS plan, HIS will, HIS purpose for me is to THRIVE, to SHINE, to BLOOM right where I am.  HE is wanting me to Embrace all that I have been given, SEEING that I am TRULY beautifully broken.

"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips." 

Psalm 34:1

Gratitude:  Am I grateful?  How do I live that out?  How do I model my gratefulness to my husband, my children, this world?  How does this affect my marriage to D?  What does this teach my children?  

Tears are flowing as I type the answer to this question, sadly no I'm not grateful, at least not the way I need to be, not even should be, but NEED to be.  So much in my sadness, my hurt, my pain, my sorrow, my missing my son, I portray a life that isn't worthy of gratitude to HIM our Creator.  This breaks my heart knowing how much I've dishonored my Abba.  So much I long and desire to be rid of the ugliness that grief has created in my heart.  So much I want to shut out, shut up, and shut down ALL the lies of the enemy that I have agreed to in the past three years.  So much I want to live this new narrative that HE is written for me, that HE is putting me through the fire to refine, renew and restore me.  So that I will be rebuilt to LIVE in the way that HE has written for me to live.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3

Patience:  Am I patient?  Do I model patience?  Just how impatient am I?  Do I really want to know the answer to that?  Am I really ready to seek HIS answer?  What does this mean for my marriage? How must this must make D feel?  How must this make my children feel?

I am probably one of the most impatient people when it comes to D and our children.  This pains me greatly to admit, as what I am learning about myself is that those who are closest to me SEE the ugliness that lies underneath the smiling, happy, 'fake" me.  They SEE who I really am, the struggles, the angry Mama, the heartbreak, the loss, all of it, they SEE it, they know and through it all they still love me.  This is how I know HIS grace is real, as there is NO way my family would put up with me through the way I handle the loss of Seth.   How I have handle every single hard thing in my life.  HE has revealed to me that every single thought, word, and action that I make and have affect my family in ways that I can't even begin to comprehend.  It leads me to question, how much harder have I made their journeys in the poor way I've chosen to live mine?  

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

Peace:  Do I care if my family is peace filled?  Do I actively seek peace for them, or just for myself?  Do I think about their needs?  Do I think about how hard things must be for each of them, or am I more self-focused?  Do I think about how much D must need HIS peace daily?  Carrying the weight of the family on his shoulders, do I even realize that?  How must this affect D?  How does this affect our marriage?  Do I forget that I am a part of a WE?

I truly believe that I am on this journey for HIS good, as HE is working deep in my heart on issues that I didn't even realize that I had.  When Seth first passed away it was all I could pray for my family and myself was that HE would flood us with HIS peace and drench us with HIS grace.  To be honest I don't think I've prayed that much for my family lately. Sadly I have for myself, as well as I am learning in the flesh I am and indeed a selfish Eve.  However, since my desire to live by HIS spirit, I know that this all needs to change, and it starts with me confessing, repenting, and seeking HIM to do the heart work to change my selfish Eve ways.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Rest:  In my need for rest so I ever seek, pray for rest for D?  Do I even care if he receives rest?  Do I just view D as strong, and not in need?  Is it because of how he went back to work after only one week of Seth's passing?  Do I resent him for that, so I don't think of his needs, as I felt abandon with our kids in that most trying time?  Have I forgiven him for the way he has chosen to grieve?  Do I truly want HIS will for D's life?  Do I really desire for D to receive rest?

Okay, a loaded question.  One that brings me to my knees in realizing that I have resented D and how he's handled his grief.  My heart breaks that this is an agreement that I have made in my heart about D, as SEEING it in HIS light, I can't imagine how this must make D feel.  Thankfully LOVE SEE'S so much farther than I ever could, and LOVE knew that D needed to be the strong one in our marriage, as I was about to be obliterated, lose my mind, and one of us had to remain intact.  Though that doesn't mean that D was strong on his own, rather HE was pouring HIS strength into every inch of D's being so that he would be able to endure life as Dad and Mom, as when he lost his son, he also lost his wife.

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest on  establish the work of our hands for us --yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalm 90:17

Work:  Do I just assume D's job is all GOD has planned for D?  Do I assume that serving our family is the only way D is to serve?  Is D's life all about our children and I?  How must this affect D's work in HIS Kingdom?  Is D able to serve others?  Is D just too busy to tend to my every incessant need?  Do I even realize that HIS plan, HIS purpose, HIS will for D is far greater than just being my husband, and our children's Dad?

Thinking back on my life with D, I've never really given much thought about D's work outside of his career.  So much in the past ten years I've just viewed D's career as HIS plan for D's life.  After all D is the bread winner in our family, therefore that must be what HE has planned for D's life.  Never once did I consider that just as I am Mama, wife, I am also HIS daughter, and I have been called to share HIS message, HIS hope, HIS good news to this broken and fallen world.  So why haven't I realized that HE would want the same for D?  So much HE is shining HIS light on my selfish Eve ways.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.: Philippians 4:19

Health:  When I say I care about my families health, do I do things to support that statement?  Do I buy, cook, prepare, suggest healthy alternatives, meals?  Am I truly doing my share in taking care of our family, or am I still leaning on my crutch of it's too hard?  Do I think about my families overall health?  Am I only really focused on myself?  

For me I've become so frustrated in doing things my way, that instead of seeking HIM, I've remained solely focused on myself,  HE let me know this is because when I do what I "think" HE wants me to do for my family, it's always with selfish intent.  However when I SEEK HIM, and truly desire for HIS ways for my family, it's not about me, rather about honoring HIM, raising up my children to have desire in their hearts to honor HIM.  When it comes to my marriage to D, health is on the back burner,  We are merely surviving, eating to pacify needs that can only be met through HIM.  Hard work is merely surviving in our eyes.  We have taken a "don't rock the boat" approach to everyday living, as there are eight of us in our household now, and it's very overwhelming with each of us dealing with the aftermath of everything that has transpired in our family.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love:  Do I give love freely to D?  Do I give love freely to our children?  Do I give love freely the way HE gives love?  The way HE is love?  Do I keep records of wrong?  How does the affect my marriage to D?  What message does this send to my children?  What message am I sending to the people in my life?  Am I truly living out my life the way HE intended?  Am I intentionally loving?  Am I withholding based on merit?  Do people have to earn the right to my love?

Shallow me would say that I'm very loving.  I'm a good person,  I'm generally nice to everyone, well everyone I like anyway.  In all honesty, I feel that HE wants me to be completely transparent of where my heart has been for the past three years.  More than I would like to admit I have said, "I hate everyone, and everything."  That when I would share that with someone in my grief, they would be offended, and quite honestly would annoy me, as it I viewed myself as an equal opportunist.  As if to say, don't take it personally, I'm not singling you out,  I hate everyone and everything equally.  It's not anything anyone has done.  It's just a mindset I've been trapped in my grief.  Though I'm not saying those words aloud anymore, my heart is telling me different as HE continues to SHINE HIS light.  Even as I type, I'm realizing just how deeply penetrated my heart has been in the anger, jealousy, hurt that other people have been able to live their seemingly "oblivious lives."  However since HE loves me so much HE is revealing to me that it couldn't be farther from the truth.  HE is letting me know that just because other's aren't as transparent about their struggles, I am NOT alone in hard living.  So much in fact everything in this world is incredibly difficult, as a constant reminder of just how much I need HIM.  This past weekend my Pastor said this to me, "GOD will always give you more than you can handle."  This I know to be true, this I am thankful to know, to understand, and know exactly where to turn to.

I have four more pages from my journal that I haven't written about on today's post, but you get the picture, you see what HE is working on me, working in me, and working through me.  The heart change I am enduring, all for HIS good for HIS glory.  I am thankful that HE loves me enough to NOT let me be trapped in a prison of lies when it will affect the lives of  my husband and my children as well as myself.  So much I am grateful for HIS Daily Teachings, for my Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS who challenge me, hold me accountable, and who aren't afraid to SPEAK HIS TRUTH straight to my heart just as I so desperately NEED it.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray today that this glance into my life, reading about my struggles will be an encouragement to you that no matter where you are, what you have done, HE is there, HE is waiting, and HIS grace will cover it all.  I pray that today will be one of courage and conviction to SEEK HIM so that HE will reveal to you your selfish eve ways.

Always Dear Ones, with much love, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather