lighthouse in the harbour

I used to end each day praising HIM for yet another glorious day in HIS KINGDOM.  I would praise HIM for all the amazing opportunities to be HIS hands and feet, and I would thank HIM for blessing me with another day with my beautiful family.  Every night I would pray for protection for each of us, and peaceful sleep.  Every single night I would pray, for continued strength to get up each morning with a strong resolve that no matter what happened in my life, I could do it, as I knew that HE will always be right by me.  That through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, HE would teach, lead, and guide me through the next phase of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

Now as each day ends, I find myself in an ocean of tears, feeling incredibly, spent, wiped out, and so extremely grateful to have survived another day in this cruel harsh world.  As I lay my head down on my pillow each night, tears fall, and soak it, and my hair, as all the pain, hurt, and anguish flows out of me, and forms yet another ocean right there in my bed.  Try as I might to just stay focused and stay positive that my precious Son is in HEAVEN, that HE is in the BEST place, where I am longing to be when my time on Earth here is through, I am brought to my knees every single night.  

Every night I close my eyes, I pray, almost begging HIM to please let me SEE my son in my dreams. I pray for peaceful sleep, and for protection for each of us.  I pray for peaceful sleep for my now sleep deprived due to fear of my children.  I pray for this deep anguish and pain to be removed from each of us, for the sorrow to lighten, and for HIS PEACE to invade every single part of our being.  With that I fall into the deepest yet most restless sleep I have ever slept in my entire life. 

Each morning between the hours of 3 and 4 am, I am woken up.  The moment I open my eyes, a sadness comes over me, as I realize that I am going to have to face yet another day, live through another day of embracing and accepting HIS will for my life, and that means yet another day without my sweet precious little baby love.  The hardest part about my journey these days is having to learn in the hardest way imaginable that HIS will is still GOOD, even when it hurts.  Knowing that I am being given a choice every single day, that either I will embrace and accept HIS will, or I will turn my back on HIM in anger, and lose myself in the process.  

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

This morning was no different, and the more I journaled, the more I felt so incredibly helpless.  It has been quite a few days since I last felt led to write the blog, and to be honest this morning I was quite angry that HE wasn't giving me anything, or so I thought.  I was angry that I wasn't getting a distraction from the overwhelming amount of sorrow that was filling up inside of me.  Thankfully since HE knows me so well, and knew exactly what I needed, HE led me straight to YOU TUBE where I would search a song called "When You Come Back to Me Again" by Garth Brooks.  It was then that the floodgates of my weary, shattered heart opened up, and once again I found myself crying deep into HIS chest.  

HIS Daily Teachings today is about me being in the vast, deep, and wide ocean, where if I let go I will drown.  However, since HE has been teaching me for so long now, that HE is my lighthouse, and that HE will guide me safely to shore.  HE is leading me straight into HIS word this morning, and is reminding me that NEVER am I EVER alone, and that HE is my refuge to the most tragic storm of my life.  

"There's a ship out On the ocean.....  At the mercy of the sea..... It's been tossed about..... Lost and broken.......Wandering aimlessly..... And God somehow You know that ship is me..... 'Cause there's a lighthouse...... In the harbour...... Shining faithfully.... Pouring its light out....  Across the water.... For this sinking soul to see.... That someone out there.... Still believes in me" "When You Come Back to me Again" Garth Brooks

"In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel." Psalm 71:1-4

HIS loving reminder to me today is this:  When I, Heather find myself deep in the ocean of my tremendous sadness, sorrow, and pain, HE is there.  HE is my refuge, HE will rescue me, HE hears every single one of my cries for HELP, and HE catches every single tear that I shed.  HE is reminding me once again that HE is my rock, and my fortress.  HE is wanting me to always remember that no matter how hopeless, or helpless I feel HE is there, and has already walked the steps I am going to be taking in my journey.  HE is letting me know that I don't have to worry about figuring out how to navigate this life that I have been blessed with, rather just lean in and press into HIM, rely on HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on this journey towards wholeness with HIM.  

HE is wanting me to know that HE hears the cries that pour from the deepest part of my shattered heart.  Cries that its not fair, and unbearable, HE knows and HE cares, deeply for my tears, and for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE cries with me, as HE created me, so therefore HE knows every single part of me, including my tears, my anguish, my heartache, and my pain.  HE is letting me know that HIS knowledge of me doesn't stop there, but also to let me know that the pain that I am enduring, HE too lived with that same pain when HE sent HIS only SON here to Earth, to live, to teach me how to live, and ultimately paying the ultimate price for my sins by sacrificing HIM so that one day I would be reconciled back to HIM, and be able to spend ETERNITY with HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN.  

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6

Today HE is taking me deep into HIS word, and letting me know that there isn't anyplace that I can go, where I won't be in HIS presence, even in my sorrow, sadness, and tears, even when it hurts, and I am angry with HIM, and saying mean things to HIM, (which I have, in my sorrow, sadness, and grief) HE is letting me know that HE knew all of what I was going to think, say, or do, long before I even formed the thoughts in my head.  HE is letting me know that even this vast, deep, and wide ocean that I am in, HE is there, HE is my lighthouse in the harbour, and HE will always be there to guide me safely HOME.  

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:7-12

HE is wanting me to know that even though my fear is of the darkness that is closing in around me, HE is telling that the darkness has been revealed by HIS light shining for me, that even the darkness in my world will SHINE like the day when I lean in, and press into HIM, in choosing to TRUST  and LOVE HIM will ALL my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Mark 12:30

HIS loving reminder to me today to cling to is, knowing, trusting, embracing, and accepting that HIS will is perfect for my life.  HE is telling me that I never have to figure out how to navigate this journey of grief that I am on, as HE has already gone ahead and planned each and every single step in advance for me, because HE loves me.  HE is telling me that if ever I begin to feel lost, as I have to look up and I will SEE HIM, as HE is my lighthouse in the harbour waiting, to guide me HOME, safely to HIS loving arms.  

HE is telling me that HE knows how badly my heart longs to understand and know when I am going to be reunited with my precious son, and even in knowing how badly I hurt, HE is asking me to TRUST HIM, to know that because HE loves me, which HE has taken so much time preparing me to know, by proving it time and again to me, just how much HE loves me, that I can indeed TRUST HIS word, that HE does indeed love me the best, and that HE does indeed having amazing plans for my life.

HE is wanting me to always remember that I never have to take on the burden of strength building.  HE is telling me that all I ever have to do is call on HIM, seek HIM, and ask HIM for strength and it will be given to me, because HE loves me.   HE is wanting to know that there are going to be days where all that I can do is let my tears fall, let it hurt, let it bleed from the deepest parts of my broken and weary soul, so that HE will then be able to pour HIS living water into to every single part of me, so that I will receive HIS true healing, and in turn, I will be able to share HIS true healing, through HIS message of HOPE, that with HIM I can, anyone can survive the most tragic storms, and that we can still SEE that there is HOPE in front of us, even when it hurts.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

" the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven and about which you have already heard in the true message of the gospel  that has come to you. In the same way, the gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace." Colossians 1:5-6

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that if you could be encouraged by any of my journey today is that, even when it hurts HE is still good.  I pray that you will know that in your own sorrow, sadness, and pain, HE is there, HE knows, and HE cares and loves you deeply.  I pray for courage for each of you to seek HIM, and allow HIM to open your heart up to HIS true healing.  I pray that you will know that HE isn't breaking you open to hurt you, but rather to pour HIS living water, to heal you, so that the enemy will NO longer have any hold over you.  I pray in JESUS NAME that any lies, bondage's, addictions, shame, or guilt that has been placed on you, will be broken today, IN JESUS NAME!  AMEN!!! 

always with love and prayers my dear friends,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather