Rend my heart

Upon waking up the first thing I do in the morning is make my way down to my office, pull out my journal, and pen what is on my heart.  I have been doing this for 442 days now, and I have to tell you that through the process of penning my thoughts, I have realized just how much ugliness, contempt, and anger resides inside of me.  Though I may not always show it on the outside of me, deep inside, laying dormant is a HUGE volcano of anger at the injustice that not only have I suffered, but also the people of whom I love.

Well since HE loves me so much, HE didn't let me get very far in my writing this morning, in fact I journal half of what I was feeling, before I could hear HIM speak to my heart about HIS word that HE placed very soon after the loss of my precious son.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." Joel 2:13

"The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed." Isaiah 50:4

HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right to the matters of my heart, and letting me know that my desire for HIM to create in me a clean heart, can only be done, when I rend my heart in repentance.  HE is letting me know that the only way I can truly be set free from the ugliness, contempt, and anger brewing inside of me, is by seeking HIM, and asking HIM to remove it ALL from me.  HE is lovingly reminding me that this means, that whether I like it or not, or am ready or not, here HE comes, and once again it's all about me, and the changes that need to be made in me, so that when someone or something hurts me, or threatens to harm me, I can press in, and lean into HIM, and not worry about anything, but rather TRUST HIM completely that no matter what happens in my life, I will be okay.  This means that I will know and be able to say that even when it hurts, HE is STILL GOOD.

Throughout the process of journaling my thoughts, I have learned so much about myself, and about HIS amazing grace, and unconditional, unfailing, unending, relentless love for me.  Through the past 442 days of journaling I  have learned that no matter how much I portray I am holding it all together, HE knows me, as HE created me, and HE knows the deepest darkest parts of me. NOTHING is a blind eye to HIM.

Today HE is letting me know that it's time to get rid of the ugliness, contempt, and anger that are keeping me from having a clean heart, and the only way I will be able to do that, is by choosing to rend my heart.  Today HE is letting me know that HE is there, and is waiting to teach me just how to do that.  HE is wanting me to know that this process won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

To be honest, when I first realized HE was going to be teaching me about rend my heart, I cringed, as with everything else HE has already taught me, is teaching me, and will continue to teach me, well it's painful.  Upon looking up what rend means, I came across several different meanings.  Each of them speaking to me in a way, that HE was wanting me to know that I needed to apply to my life.

Rend: To tear into two or more pieces, split, rupture, sever, to wrench violently, cause great emotional pain.  

Uh, this, this is me these days, this is what I have been living with for the past 8 weeks.  I have gone through each of these things, as my heart has been shattered in the massive loss of my precious son.  My heart has been wrenched in great emotional pain.  In the past 8 weeks I have cried more than I have ever in my life before.  In losing my son, I can tell you that the pain that I have experienced has been NOTHING like the pain that I endured, suffered through, and survived from my past.  

HE is wanting me to know that the pain that I am feeling is for HIS purpose, and for me, so that I would be able to understand what rend my heart truly means for me.  HE is wanting me to know that HE never wants me to hurt, that it is the evil of this broken and fallen world that hurts us.  HE is letting me know that the anger that I have harbored in my heart towards HIM is because of the injustice that has been placed upon my life, since my birth.

HE is telling me that HE is angry too, and that is WHY HE is building me so incredibly strong with HIS strength, so that I am able to endure, suffer through, and ultimately survive as more than a CONQUEROR with HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me every single step of the way.  

HE is wanting me to know that my anger is warranted, but to be sure that it is directed in the way of which it needs to go, and that is out my heart, and that will only happen when I choose to rend my heart.  HE is letting me know that NOT even my anger can keep me from HIM, or will it ever keep me from HIS love for me.  HE is reminding me once again that HE is gracious, kind, loving, and so incredibly full of compassion.  I know this to be true, as I can't tell you how many times I have fallen flat on my face in sin, and HE has picked me back up and set me on HIS path, HIS plan, HIS purpose, for my life.  

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145:8

HE is reminding me once again that HIS word is HIS gift to me, to teach me the ways in which I am to live my life.  HE is letting me know that when I come to HIM in my prayers, HE hears them, and is letting me know that the reason why HE introduced prayer to my life was so that in my time of great need, I would be able to talk to HIM in a way that only HE and I would know.  HE is letting me know that HE is truly in the details, as HE knew that my struggles were going to increase, and in return my weariness would increase.  HE is wanting me to know that I don't have to feel that my weariness is something that HE doesn't SEE, as HE does SEE it, that is why HE gave me HIS word to encourage me, to love me when I am feeling weary.  HE is reminding me once again that HIS word is NOT to condemn me, make me feel bad, but to help me, to encourage me, to love me through the hard parts, to love me through my weariness.  

"Prayer is the blueprint for a successful life."  Joyce Meyer "Power Thoughts Devotional December 9th"

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119:28

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

HE is once again reminding me that in choosing to rend my heart, means that I am seeking HIM to create in me a clean heart, so that NOTHING can derail me from HIS plans, and HIS purpose for my life.  HE is letting me know that what the enemy "thought" and intended to harm me with has only grown my FAITH in HIM even stronger.  HE is letting me know that is HIS message of HOPE for me, so soak in, to lean in, and to press into, so that I would be able to RUN with perseverance in this race of life, and shout it from the ROOFTOPS, that HIS will, HIS plan, HIS timing, HIS provision is ALWAYS perfect, even when it hurts...

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,  and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

"The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:22-25

HE is reminding me once again that if ever I am feeling weary, to know that HE is there, and that I NEVER need to worry if I am being left behind, or forsaken, as HE is ALWAYS with me, and that because of HIS great love for me HE sent HIS only begotten SON to live on this earth, to model WHO I am to be, and WHO died for my sins, so that I, Heather, a broken, lost, lonely sinner would be reconciled back to HIM.  HE did ALL of this so that I, Heather would receive HIS ultimate gift of eternal life.  

I can tell you that now more than ever I am running!!! I am running so that when my time here on Earth is through, I will meet my precious little love on the bridge into forever, and I will meet JESUS face to face, and HE will say the words my heart so desperately longs to hear, "Well done good and FAITHFUL servant."  

"His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!" Matthew 25:21

HE is letting me know that HE knows this is my hearts cry, and that learning, understanding, and knowing how to rend my heart, is another part of my journey towards wholeness with HIM, so that in the end, I will be able to HEAR HIM say that to me, as I will have been HIS FAITHFUL, humble, servant.  More than ever my heart cries out in repentance, as I rend my heart of any and ALL things that are keeping me from HIM.  More than ever my prayers are "LORD JESUS, let YOUR will be done, NOT mine.  LORD YOUR KINGDOM, YOUR WILL BE DONE, HERE ON EARTH, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN."

"This, then, is how you should pray:

“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
 Give us today our daily bread.
 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 And lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from the evil one.’

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:9-15

Today my mind is going to the message at church this CHRISTMAS, and that is "All I want for Christmas" and in this case, "I" is HIM, and what HE wants for CHRISTMAS from me.

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy  and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray today that if you are harboring anger or ill will in your heart towards HIM, or anyone else, that you will lay it all at the foot of the cross.  That you will know that HE is there, and HE will take that from you.  I pray today that you will have the courage to rend your heart so that HE can create in you a clean heart, so that the enemy will have NO power over you.  I pray today that if you are struggling, or hurting, you will know that what the enemy intends to harm you with, HE will make for HIS good, for your good, because HE loves you.  I pray today that if you haven't already received HIM into your heart, that you will have the courage to take that first step in asking HIM to come into your heart.  I pray for HIS favor and blessings to be poured over each of your lives through your obedience to HIM as each of you rend your heart to HIM, as HE is the ONLY one WHO truly knows you, understands you, and knows what is best for you.

Love and prayers, with so much compassion, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather