one life.....

"Cause tomorrow isn't promised.... All we have is one life, is one time......To live and love and make it right......Yesterday is written.....All we have is right now, it's right now.......To celebrate this one and only life" One Life by Danny Gokey


This past Tuesday I attended MOPS at a new church.  This church is another part of the new life that HE has opened the door to in my journey.  Nothing could have possibly prepared me for what would happen in the next two hours to me emotionally and mentally.  I left mops feeling more confused, upset, angry, and frustrated than I have been in quite some time, and little did I know that my breakthrough, my comeback was just around the corner.

MOPS is for mother's of preschooler's and well I just believe its for mom's in general.  After all we all need support, and community to help us, encourage us, and pray for us during our journey.  For me, mops is bittersweet.  Having only attended once with Seth, I was apprehensive to attend with Joy.   However, HE placed an amazing soul sister in my life to help me, and encourage me to take the necessary steps in healing to move forward with my life. 

As I sat down at our table, I was oblivious to what was about to transpire, and how I would leave forever changed.  Changed in a way that blew me away, and changed for HIS glory..  Changed to break free of the anger I felt in being dealt such a crappy hand in life.  I'm not a huge fan of change, however I am thankful for the breakthrough.

There was a panel of four moms sharing their journey to motherhood.  As they each took turns sharing their stories of life, loss, struggle, pain, and suffering, I struggled to hear their words.  I tried hard to not cry about myself, and my loss, but really SEE them as HE SEES them.  However, I was in a huge battle with my flesh, and desperately wanted and needed relief from HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

I left MOPS that day, wiped out, cried out, and angry.  Opening the door to isolation, pain, and despair..  That is until.......... I realized that living in pain, is NOT my present, living in pain is what I did for three years,   No longer am I isolated by my pain, rather I am comforted to know that my pain is known.  That day at mops made me realize that there are only so many words known in the world to describe pain, and my words, are the words of so many, each dealing with their own pain, loss, agony, and suffering.

I've struggled for quite some time now with anger towards people who want to equate their pain with mine, or not even me personally but in general.  I was especially angry at people who were missing their children who moved out, joined the world of adulting, and who were making adult choices.  I was angry because I too have joined that world, as my oldest moved out six months ago.  I was angry because I missed my daughter, however, it wasn't the same.  I was angry because missing my daughter came with reprieve.  I was able to see her, talk to her and hug her.  Missing my son,  it's torture.... to know that he lives on where I won't see him again in this life, hear his laugh, or hold him in my arms.  Missing him is my only pain I carry.   The burden of missing him is my suffering.  

My anger reached an all time high, as I struggled to function with all the hurting people in this world.  This past Tuesday HE opened my eyes, and flooded me with HIS WISDOM that pain, in human thinking, knowing, and understanding.... is pain.  My pain isn't greater than anyone else's  My pain as a mother who's lost her child is not of greater significance than a wife who loses her husband.  My pain is unique, as I am unique, as NO two people are alike.  I have learned the only difference in our lives is how we deal with the pain.  

I have learned that the enemy, my enemy would love nothing more than for me to be imprisoned by my pain.  I realized this as I began to take apart my thinking, my understanding, my emotions, as to why I was responding so emotionally to their stories..... to my anger.  I realized that I'm not who I used to be beginning three years ago.  Nor am I the same as five years ago.  Rather I am who I used to be as in knowing and claiming WHO i am, because HE embedded HIS word so deeply in my heart, to cling to, lean on, and press through in the most horrific season of my life.  

That season, is so yesterday.  It's in my past, it is my past.  This season is the promise of ONE LIFE, ONE LIFE to LIVE fully, purposefully, surrendering, risking the cliffs and oceans to tell the world all about JESUS.  This season is for me to let go of my plans, my will..... and for the cry of my heart to be LORD not my will, by THY will be done.

I wouldn't have chosen to live my life this way, for the heartache, loss, and suffering, however I am so thankful that HE is the AUTHOR and PERFECTER of my FAITH.  I am thankful as without HIM I wouldn't have survived the death of my son.  I am thankful that I am able to hold my head up, and SEE the world through HIS eyes, as HE has been, is, and will continue to heal me from inside out.  I am thankful that I have been given this ONE LIFE, ONE TIME, TO LIVE, TO LOVE, TO MAKE  IT RIGHT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

" fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

In this ONE LIFE I can say that my desire to let HIS GLORY SHINE in me and through me as HIS BROKEN VESSEL to be HIS MESSENGER of HOPE, that even when you find yourself shattered in the blink of an eye and the life you once knew in a billion pieces, my story, HIS glory will be made known that HE makes things ALL things new.  Not that I have forgotten what has happened, or that I don't miss my son, but like it or not, I have this ONE LIFE to LIVE.

I could sit all day, and think, remember, and cry.  I could be bitter, angry, depressed, isolated, and overwhelmed by sadness. I could do all of those things, however I have been given a choice in how I choose to LIVE my life.  I have lost so much in my lifetime, but gained even more through HIM as HE has filled my heart, saved my soul, and redeemed me.  HE has loved me with an ever lasting love, a love that knows no bounds, that is patient, kind, and understanding.  I have survived, I am out of the ocean of grief, and standing on the survivor's shore.  I stand ready, waiting, and willing to LIVE this ONE LIFE.

My Dear Brother's and Sister's in CHRIST JESUS,  I often wondered if the desire to write again would come back to me, or if writing would be only in my past.  I am thankful that HE has placed that desire in my heart once again.  Today it is my prayer that if you find yourself searching, looking, wondering where the you and used to be went, I pray that you let HIM hear your hearts cry.  Cry out to HIM and let HIM open the doors that need to be opened, and close the ones that aren't HIS best for your life.  I pray that you will find peace with your past, and living in the present, and HE fills you with excitement for your future.  Friends, we are given but only ONE LIFE to live, may your life SHINE HIS GLORY for ALL to SEE as you continue on your journey.

With so much, love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather