manager

Her raw honesty, sharing her heart of how my story, the loss of my son scared her.  That hearing my story has caused her greatest fear to rise to the surface to be front and center.  I watched as she spoke, tears stream from her eyes.  I knew she felt horrible about what she was feeling, and even more so sharing and speaking it out.  As I sat and listened to her relay her deepest fears, I fought the urge to comfort, and ending up doing so a little, and then I felt HIM pull me even closer, letting me know HE was there with me.  I knew HE was doing something new, but I hadn't a clue as to what it was.  By the end of our time together my own tears were rising to the surface, and all I could do, was flee.

I made it out to my car before the dam burst, and I found myself wailing tears of agony.  I couldn't understand why or what was happening to me.  The more I tried to calm myself and prayed for my tears to lessen the harder I cried.  Memories of Seth's car seat flash before my eyes.  Remembering the moment where D lovingly said to me that we needed to move his car-seat as to make room for our company that was with us for our 1st Christmas without our son.  My sobs of agony shook my body, as I remembered the woman at church, her response to my broken heartedness that morning at church.  I had bravely shard the pain of having to move Seth's car seat, how his Tweety Bird, and blanket wouldn't be seen in the rear-view mirror, and my tears just poured from my eyes.  Her response, "He is so much safer where he is now than he ever was in that stupid car seat."  Her words filled me with instant regret for speaking out my grief, and unbeknownst to me I swallowed her words, and shame and guilt took the place of grief that day, and every day thereafter ensued an overwhelming challenge for me to learn to manage my grief as to comfort those around me, not to upset someone else's good day with my sadness, sorrow, pain, or agony.  

As I began to process what transpired yesterday with the woman crying about how my story affected her, I knew HE was doing something new.  Here's the truth, I, Heather since October 19, 2013 (the day D and I laid our son's earthly body to rest) made an agreement that I would be the Manager of my grief.  This is because within the first two weeks of losing Seth I would experience well-meaning people say some of the most horrible things to me.  Their words, not ill-intentioned were stupidly muttered, with no thought of the implications of what they were saying, other than they wanted to shut me up.

The truth was then and is now, that most people who meet me, or who have known me before or after are very uncomfortable with how much I am willing to openly grieve.  Not only that, whenever someone new hears my story of the death of my son, it's as though child loss is contagious.  They just can't seem to grasp how I'm even still alive, as they for sure would have died if it were their child.  How they wouldn't get out bed in the morning, or how they would have to been buried with their child as they would've thrown themselves on their child's casket. Well-meaning well-intentioned people have also told me that I needed to remember that I had other children to love and care for.  My response, well in my head "thank you captain obvious what would I have done without you reminding me of the very thing that I am battling to not give up, to keep going, for them not to lose me too."  In my head I said this, in reality, I swallowed their words, their judgement, and I cried even more because I knew life would be hard, I just never realized how cruel it would be.

Prayerful, prayer filled people said some of the harshest things to me.  One of my deepest pains being told that the way I was grieving was offensive to them. That they felt as if though I didn't appreciate their prayers and support by the way I was grieving.  I swallowed those words and made a vow not to trust anyone with my thoughts or feelings about losing Seth.  Even now as I sit and type this blog, I remember specifically a moment during a group gathering that D and I attended together where my mental state was discussed.  That the words were spoken that I needed to promise to go on medication and stay on it forever, so that the group would be able to handle doing life with me.  Never realizing the words said to me were absorbed, swallowed and began to wreck me pulling me further away from wanting to even continue living, not because I wanted to die, rather because the pain of just merely surviving was more than I could bear.

The reality is this, I could write an entire book about all the horrible things said and done to me through well-meaning people.  However, thankfully HIS PLANS are far greater than mine, and HE is leading me to remember so that I may surrender my role as manager of my grief.  Through surrender, HE is teaching me that HE never intended for me to carry their words, their opinions, their actions, not a single moment of anything from someone else on my own shoulders.  That HE is preparing me for this second half of my life to LIVE FREE - FREE from isolation, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment.  This I am learning starts with Surrender and leads me to the Hard and Holy work that awaits me.  

So here it is, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS is letting go of the role as manager of my grief, so that I will continue my journey of pursuing HIS peace.  That when words are said that are unkind, accusatory, or judgmental, I will know I am to observe what is being said and release it to JESUS.  That I don't have to, nor was I ever created to absorb all insults, judgements and lies spoken about me, or to me.  I am learning the life changing difference of observing vs. absorbing.  At first, I was taken aback that the LORD would want to REDEEM all that was stolen from me in grieving my son, however when I took a closer look at what I know about HIS character and promises to me and for me, well I'm not surprised, and I am humbly grateful.  I am thankful to know that HE truly is keeping HIS word to me, HIS HOLY PROMISE that is my life verse "Being confident of this, that HE WHO began a good work in you, will carry it on until the day of completion of CHRIST JESUS."  Philippians 1:6

This I know. this I've experienced, this I've lived, this I am living proof of right in this very moment of time.  CHOSEN on purpose to GLORIFY HIM with my life, with sharing my JESUS STORY.  A hard and heavy story, where HIS character and promises are on full display, as the story didn't stop with the death of a beloved child, rather HE left the 99 to reach HIS one-of-a-kind beloved child.  My story may not be full of rainbows, puppies, and unicorns, however it's full of endless grace, mercy, and peace.  I've survived some of the hottest fires meant to burn me alive.  I've endured every parent's worst nightmare, and I've overcome things that would burn others alive.  All because of JESUS, and that is why I write, why I share, why I continue to meet HIM in OUR HOLY QUIET PLACE, for HIM to teach, lead, and guide me.  ALL FOR HIS GLORY is how I choose to share my JESUS story, how I want my life to be remembered.  That on that day when I step into HIS GLORY, HE will look at me, and say, "well done good and faithful servant."

Precious Dear Ones,

I don't know what your tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds ALL of your tomorrows, as HE is the ONE who holds ALL of our tomorrows.  Should tomorrow be the day where suffering enters your life, and your heart is broken, I pray that my story, my faith shared will inspire and encourage you to cry out to JESUS.  Maybe your life has already been irrevocably changed and you're struggling to even get out of bed.  Maybe the pain you've endured has caused you to isolate and pull away from people.  Maybe you've given up on life and have decided you'll just survive until you die.  That maybe if you tip toe quietly, not draw attention to yourself, keep yourself small, don't talk too much, and try your best not to be too much, then maybe, just maybe you'll be able to make it just one more day.   Precious Dear One, YOU- yes, YOU are worth far more than a just maybe existence.  YOU are NOT too much for JESUS, YOU are NOT a mistake, YOU are NOT the mistakes you've made.  The chains, the bondages, the vows, the lies, ALL of it are not the end of YOU- HE has far greater plans for healing and freedom for you.  HE knows why you stack the bottles or maybe stash the bottles.  HE knows why you swallow the pills and steal to get them. HE knows the weight of guilt and shame you carry in keeping the lie.  HE SEES you striving for acceptance, HE knows the performance, the intricate song and dance you do every single day to keep up appearances that you are indeed okay, for if anyone truly knew the real you, they would run.  HE knows why you shop and why you STUFF yourself, your home, your family, and your life and those around you.  HE knows the addictions you have been battling, the one where you promise "this is the last time."  HE knows what you've had to do to maintain your lifestyle, and HE knows what you too have become the manager of.  HE knows the pain you are masking, and the pain you STUFF deep down, and why you self-medicate and even why you self-harm.  HE knows why you began to take things, to help you cope, to help you survive another day.   HE knows, HE SEES you, not as a thief, not as a failure, but as HIS BELOVED child.  Dear One who is reading this, HE loves you, HE knows and HE has good plans for your life.  Cry out to JESUS, ask HIM to BE the LORD AND SAVIOR of your life.  HE is there waiting, HE loves you.  HE will fight for you, HE will teach you to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE.  This is my fervent prayer for every soul that reads this GOD Breathed, Heaven sent blog post.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, empathy, and deep compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather