I've always known the scripture, walk by faith, or live by faith NOT by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7. Well since September 2026 HE has been teaching me a new level of understanding how to do just that. For me it's always been struggling to sleep at night, and even if I am able to fall asleep, I'm often times ripped from sleep several times a night. Usually I give up sleeping, and just stay up, and take naps during the day.
Well because I know of HIS deep love for me, I now SEE what new thing HE has been teaching me. First waking me in the early morning hours, not for me, but to lead me to pray for those in my life who too are struggling to sleep. Those whose lives have been so full of stress and strife. Pain and heartache have moved in and taken up much of the spaces of their hearts. HE has brought me to a place where as soon as my eyes open, I say, "Who am I praying for?" Without fail, HE places their name or their face, or even sometimes their voice in my heart, and I immediately I am filled with discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT in how to pray.
Lately though, as I awaken, my first response is who, and HE lets me know, "Precious Dear Heart, I AM with you. I have NEVER left you. I have remained with you through ALL of this." This morning at 2am, HE let me know that HE knew how much I cried yesterday for Seth's would be 14th birthday. HE knew how hard I fought to NOT do what I've always done but just let the tears fall. And, HE was right, I did just let my tears fall. I let all the feelings of loss, and pain wash over me, and I released them right into HIS waiting hands. I let the memories flow of Seth's birth. I let the tears fall, and I felt the ache in my arms and hands that began on the afternoon of October 13, 2014. I allowed myself to feel the deep longing of missing, and I released the ache to HIM. I allowed HIM into the desperation of missing my son. I allowed JESUS to BE enough for me.
Last night began a new journey, waking in faith. This I know and understand is so that I am able to share HIS goodness, of HIS steadfast faithfulness for HIS kids. This means YOU Dear Reader. This means that YOU who is reading these words right now. The nights where you've felt forgotten, so lost, and betrayed. YOU, yes, YOU, HE SEES YOU.
As HIS beloved child you NEED to know, HE is the miracle maker, a wonderful savior, a faithful friend, a fierce defender, a mighty protector, and an impenetrable shield. HE is your champion, your ABBA, new life creator, HE is ALL of this and more. With HIM, through HIM, ALL things WILL be possible.
Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking "yeah sure okay, but Heather, you don't know where I have been, what I've had to endure. You don't know what I have done, and you would be right. However, what I do know is, even though I don't, HE does. HE SEES it ALL, HE'S been with you ALL the days of your life. HE knows why you've struggled, why you don't trust, and why you toss and turn every night, fighting for just even an hour of sleep. HE knows, and HE has a plan for your rescue. HE knows and HE'S waiting for you to be waking in faith.
All I know is that I would have surely died from my broken heart in suffering the death of my son. I would have succumbed to the devastation I endured from the desperation that took over my mind in missing Seth. I was certain that I had NO hope for living and only had hope for heaven. I spent my days and nights praying for the end to be near. That I would close my eyes and wake up in paradise with JESUS. What I didn't know then, and what I SEE now is that HE was preparing me for RESCUE. HE was preparing me to know, to experience, to LIVE with HIS GOODNESS here in the land of the living. Where healing would flow abundantly through me, so that I would be able to write, to speak, to share of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me.
Writing my faith journey has been extremely healing for me, as I SEE it was, HE is turning my pain into HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life. I now know FULL WELL this is the life that the enemy didn't want me to know anything about. This is the moment for such a time as this that I was created for. As HE knew I would one day be healed enough, to TRUST HIM even more. That I would willingly surrender whatever HE was asking of me. HE knew that I would SEEK HIM, over and over. Constantly seeking HIS perspective, wanting and NEEDING HIS TRUTH. HE knew that I would get in the driver's seat of the bus of life, and I would go out and pick up other people who they too had been run over by the bus of life.
I went from falling asleep in despair, or just merely surviving to waking in faith. Faith in HIM and for HIM, that even when I don't understand the plan, well HE has a plan for that too. Faith that no matter what happens to me, or around me, HE is with me always. That even if, even when, or even though, no matter the even's HE is with me, and HE has a plan, and when I choose to TRUST HIM, HE will always work things out for my good. Because I know FULL WELL, I am HIS beloved child, I am the daughter of the KING, and HIS love for me in unconditional, everlasting, and endless.
Perhaps, this has been HIS plan all along, for me to just know that HE is with me ALWAYS. That no matter if I am crying, angry, upset, jealous, bitter, lost, or feeling betrayed, HE has a plan for my healing. That NO matter how bad things have gotten out of control in my life. No matter what relationships feel as seemingly irrevocably broken, NOTHING is impossible with HIM. HE has a plan, for even more healing for me. Plans to be LOVED by HIM, for me to walk with HIM, and to WAKE with HIM. I am learning that I am truly experiencing HIS KINGDOM right here on earth as it is in HEAVEN. That it's not an external seeing(circumstances), rather an internal feeling and even more SEEING (spiritual eyes opened). This is truly HIS PEACE that surpasses any and ALL understanding.
I am learning that waking in faith means that I can release whatever is laying heavily on my mind and heart. That I can release any and ALL feelings that are tearing me apart. I can lay my burdens down, and I can cry deep into HIS chest. I can surrender, even when I am afraid, and I can be comforted by HIM, as HE truly is the ONLY ONE WHO can truly comfort me. This pain that I endure, the suffering that I have invited HIM into is overwhelming, and so unbearably hard at times. and HE is right there to help me, to hold me, for me to feel HIS love, to know HIS love, to TRUST HIS love, as I am continuously learning that HE is indeed my anchor for my soul
In waking in faith, I am experiencing a life I never knew before, but the ONE that I had always prayed for. Everything that I had prayed for, waited for, and longed for, HE was there all along, working it ALL out for my good. Waking in faith is teaching me total dependence and TRUST in the LORD with ALL my heart, and it gives me immense comfort as this is another tangible way of SEEING HIS GOODNESS, as HE is the ONE WHO kept my heart alive, when I lost my mind, when my heart was shattered. When I walked through the valley of shadow of death, when my tears were my food, HE was the ONE WHO REMAINED STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to keep my heart alive, WHO strengthened my faith, WHO cultivated even deep roots, WHO stayed with me through the deep abyss of pain, agony, and sorrow.
Truly I am SEEING my life in HIS word, as my life falls between the scriptures. I SEE it, I know it, and I know that I am deeply LOVED, SEEN, HEARD, and KNOWN by HIM. HE has continuously shown up, and restored my JOY. HE has refined my faith by remaining with me in the fire. HE has renewed my strength so that I was able to keep going. HE has been my anchor, my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my SAVIOR, my JESUS.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE knows just how heavy your burdens are that you are carrying. HE knows what you've endured. HE knows how rough this past year has been for you. HE knows just how deeply you are grieving the life you once knew. HE knows how desperately you are missing the one whose deep loss you are suffering. HE knows how your faith has been leveled, and HE has a plan. HE knows how much guilt and shame are weighing you down. HE knows how impossible it all. seems to you. HE knows why you are unable to trust or forgive, and HE has plan, a good, a deeply personal plan that is just.for.you. Will you TRUST HIM? Are you ready to repent, to surrender, to step into a new way of living? Are you ready to surrender what you don't know, and TRUST HIM to help you through it? Are you ready to fall into HIS arms, and let HIM help you? HE is there, are you ready to give HIM your sleepless, restless nights? Are you ready to live a life that is waking up in faith?
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With so much compassion, understanding, empathy, and love,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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