It would be so easy for me to give up when life becomes so overwhelming. It would be easy for me to lay down and just check out with mindless tv watching. It would be easy for me to stuff all the pain that I am experiencing, and just stuff until I am numb. It would be easy to self soothe, and to just do whatever makes me feel good. Well, it would be easy, until the reality of how self-destructing all of that actually is. This I've learned, and well if I am being honest, I am continuing to learn.
Heartwork continues of consumption, and releasing my self-management role, over to HIM WHO Is more than capable of handling ALL of my life. HE is my creator after all, the AUTHOR and PEFECTOR of my FAITH, the reason I am still alive, the WHY I survived ALL that I have. And if I really think about what HE has been doing, and is continuing to do in my life, I am realizing more and more that surviving was NEVER the plan. So, even when, even though, I am so overwhelmed by the next layer being pulled back, for me to shed, I am learning to know and TRUST that it is ALL for my good.
This morning, HE has led me to learn a NEW SONG- "My Story Your Glory" By Matthew West
My Story, YOUR Glory
My Pain, YOUR Purpose
My Mess, YOUR Message
In all things, I know YOU'RE Workin'
One Life, One Mission
One reason WHY I'm livin'
ALL for YOU, NOT for me
My Story, YOUR Glory
ALL of me, ALL for YOU
Let ALL I say and ALL I do
Point to the ONE WHO changed my life
And let me speak the legacy I leave behind
My Story, YOUR Glory
My Pain, YOUR Purpose
My Mess, YOUR Message
In ALL things, I know YOU'RE Workin'
One Life, One Mission
One Reason WHY I'm Livin'
ALL for YOU, NOT for me
My Story, YOUR GLORY
Truly HE is in the details of my life. Working ALL things out for my good. Because HE is just that good. My life is so drastically different from where it was just 10 years ago. As 10 years ago I had just spent almost 2 years unpacking and processing the loss of my son. This coming Tuesday will be 12 years, and WOW have things changed. This I know to be TRUE as last night I was given the opportunity to sit amongst a group of my sisters in CHRIST as one of us shared, and shed tears of agony as she unpacked, and processed the loss of her own son. Together with 15 other women we held space for this precious sister, and held her story, her tears, her agony, and called on JESUS and HIS ANGEL ARMIES to surround her, to help her, to flood her with HIS PEACE, to give her grace to grieve, space to grieve, to cry, to mourn. Tears fell for her, and with her. And I, well I was honored, to not only hold space for her, but was honored and blessed to pray for her, and to intercede on her behalf, because I knew those tears of agony. I knew the questions of why, and how could this possibly be the plan. Processing how it was that she is to live without her son. I recognized her pain, her tears, and the deep sorrow that has now become a part of her. And I prayed, and thanked JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS that I knew HE was and will ALWAYS BE for her as well.
I guess you could say this is healing. This is what it means to be alive. "To be among the BLESSED to Mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4, that quite honestly when I began my suffering journey, I felt everything but blessed. I felt cursed, and betrayed, as the pain was excruciating. I thought I would surely die from how bad the pain ripped through me Slowly over time though, HE rescued me from the deep dark abyss of agony, sadness, sorrow, and pain. HE brought me to the survivor's shore to recover, learning first how to sit up again, then to stand, then to walk, and after 7 long years of immense suffering HE began to teach me how to run again, how to TRUST again, how to speak life over myself and others again. HE gave me my life back, brought me back to life, as I started not only seeing HIS goodness in the land of the living, but experiencing it for myself
With each new step HE took me, each new layer being revealed, HE sang a new song over me. Sometimes it would be multiple new songs in a short time span, and other times, HE would have me meditate, pray about, and ruminate in whatever song HE was teaching me. Suffering has been the hardest part of my journey that I have had to endure each and every day. It's something that I haven't been able to escape or pray away. I couldn't stuff it enough; I couldn't numb myself enough. I couldn't outrun the pain, I couldn't hide from it, as I have shared in the past that the very moment, I realized that even if I were to get on an airplane and fly to the other side of the world, there I would still be, and my heart would still be so utterly broken, and I would still be desperately missing my son.
I've come to a place of understanding, and well I guess you could say mostly peaceful that I won't know the answers to my questions until the day I step into HIS GLORY. Until then, I will repent, surrender, ask, seek, knock, pray, and wait....... I will write, speak, and live out my faith for HIM. I will face each day with HIM, walking hand in hand with HIM. I will keep my eyes open and focused on HIM, as to NOT miss HIS goodness that HE has for me to experience here in the land of the living. Even if it means with tears in my eyes, and well as of right in this moment of time, i am flooded with tears daily.
HE has been so merciful to me to teach me how to be honoring in my grief. HE has lovingly held me in the deep sorrow as I take each new step with every milestone I am facing. As just last night, I was ordering groceries for this next week, and on Tuesday we're planning on having Seth's favorite foods. When it came time to order go-go squeezes, I couldn't find the flavor he loved, and I broke into tears when I realized the enormous variety that is now available. The more I searched for his favorite foods, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more I felt HIM pull me even closer to HIM. Even as I type the memories of our last meal with him, I'm crushed, as I didn't have any idea it would be our last.
If only, I could go back, if only I could have known, I would have held him longer. I would have said I love you a million more times. I would have kissed JESUS with him a million more. I would have held him so close to me. I would have memorized everything about him. If only.... for one more moment, one more dance, one more jump, one more up up up, one more mama me me me. If only.... gosh 12 years, it's so unreal... seemingly a lifetime ago...... and so yesterday.
Precious Dear Ones,
JESUS is near, HE is so very close. HE is waiting for you to reach for HIM, as HE is right there ready to hold you, to help you, to heal you. Lean back in HIS arms and feel HIM pull you even closer still. Your tears, your pain, your struggle, all that you have endured, ALL of it matters to HIM. You, yes, YOU matter to HIM, and HE loves you with a deep everlasting love. HE has good plans for your life, plans for healing and restoration for your JOY, HOPE, and PEACE. HE is ALL of those things for you, and when you don't understand how, or why, well HE WILL show you, HE delights in showing you just how deeply loved and cared for that you are by HIM. Dear Ones, with JESUS you are NEVER alone, NEVER forgotten, HE is there with you, singing a new song over you. May today be the day you open your heart to HIM again, or maybe for the first time. JESUS loves you even when, and even though, no matter the evens HE loves you. Do you hear HIM saying your name? HE is, and HE is right there waiting for you, with open arms, without condemnation.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With so much love compassion, empathy, and deep gratitude,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~Heather
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