consumed

"as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" Psalm 103:12

Just a few short days ago, I learned that HE would be taking me through yet another breakthrough. . When I realized the reason for it, I was scared, as I knew that this would be my toughest life lesson yet.  This current season of growing that I am in, has been really in my face, as HE uncovers the lies that have kept me consumed by the anger that I have suppressed in my heart for so long.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that the anger, bitterness, hatred, and at times deadly rage that I have allowed myself to be consumed with has been destroying my life.  HE is telling me that just like the secrets that were buried deep within of my abuse, so is my anger.  HE is wanting me to know that my issue with anger has been disrupting my life for far too long now.  HE is telling me that HE will set me free so that I will then be able to live according to HIS plans, and HIS purpose for my life.

"When we suppress, hurts and damage from childhood, it is not only painful, but it can result in tremendous loss and even rob us of our lives."  Annie Chapman, " A Woman's Answer to Anger"

Today HE is showing me that I have been a person consumed with hatred and bitterness in  my heart.  HE is teaching me that because I have allowed this to manifest in my heart, I haven't been able to love as HE loves, and to think as HE does, and most importantly to be WHO HE has called me to be.  HE is telling me that all of HIS Daily Teachings for the past year have been to prepare me for my greatest challenge yet, and that is to TRUST HIM completely that HE truly does know what is best for me.   HE is wanting me to realize that nothing HE is teaching me is to make me feel bad about myself, but rather to encourage me that I don't have to live in this prison, trapped by anger.  HE is teaching me that in allowing to be consumed by my anger, I have missed out on so many wonderful blessings that HE wants to pour over my life.

Yesterday during worship at church, I felt the weight of my anger come crashing down around me.  The more I sang, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more the weight of my sins, guilt, shame, burdens, and questions of WHY surfaced.  As always, in true Heather fashion I "tried" to stuff them back down below the surface, however HE had other plans, and through my Pastor's message yesterday, all the pain buried deep within, the anger that has consumed me for so long came creeping out.  By the time church ended I was a complete and total mess.  

I cried most of the day yesterday because this current season of growing has been so hard for me.  Through HIS truth that is being revealed I am realizing that the very anger that has consumed me for so long, is also "trying" to take up residence in the hearts of my children.  In NOT wanting them to have to struggle as I have, HE is teaching me how to rid myself of it, so that I will then be able to teach them how to rid themselves of the anger that has consumed them.

HE is showing me this morning that it never fails that whenever I am going through something with one of my five children, that I seek HIM.  I seek HIM, and ask HIM for HIS vision so that I will then be able to see things as they really are.  Without realizing it, HE has been teaching me this for a long time, as I learned a long time ago that things aren't always as they seem.  I have learned that there is always so much more to the story than what is being told.   I know that I have been blessed to see things HIS way, as I have been given HIS gifts of mercy, discernment, and wisdom.  

In knowing this, HE is showing me that this is the very reason why I have been so consumed by anger.  HE is telling me that the anger comes from the feelings of why didn't the people who were raising me, either my birth-mom, dad, great-grandma, aunt, uncle, grandma, and step-grandfather, why didn't any of them protect me?  

My birth-mom not only physically abused me, but also emotionally, and mentally.  My dad's abuse was mostly emotionally, as he was a very absent father.  My aunt didn't abuse me, as she was being tormented herself in being kept locked up in her own prison without a key.  When I was twenty six, she could no longer hide from her demons, and took her own life.  My uncle scared me to death as a little girl.  He would play horrible pranks on me, and always made me feel so uncomfortable.  My great-grandma (Grams) loved me in a way that no one else did, however it wasn't enough to save me, ( I almost think she died of a broken heart in knowing that it went on for so long, and she never knew.)  She was the one person who would have, and did move HEAVEN and Earth so that I would be happy.  She was the nicest, most loving, kind and generous person I will probably ever know.  My grandma (granny) scared the daylights out of me.  She was all consumed by hurt, anger, rage, and bitterness towards me, and well what I would later learn at her memorial that she too lived her life locked up in her own prison without a key.  My step-grandfather was purely evil, the things he did to me on a daily basis, the words he used, everything was of evil.  However, in all of that, in his own sick-sadistic, twisted way, I know that he thought he was loving me.

As I was journaling all this out this morning the tears fell, as the reality of being consumed finally hit me.  I cried out to HIM, "WHY didn't they protect me?  Why wasn't I worthy enough to save?  How could they have NOT known that something was wrong?  Why didn't they love me?  Why didn't they chose me?  WHY, GOD, oh WHY do I have to have these hurts, please take them, take them all from me, its all so unbearable to know that I wasn't wanted......"

This morning HE is taking me through a painful process of admitting and confessing of my anger that has consumed me for my entire life.  The revelation of HIS truth that is uncovering the lies that have kept me in bondage is so freeing.  In knowing that I don't have to live my life consumed with rage any longer, I know that I am free to be the me, WHO HE created me to be.

Today HE is wanting me to know that I can no longer hide from the anger that I am consumed by.  Today is the day that I let go, and let HIM heal my broken and wounded heart.  Today is the day that I seek HIM so that HIS light will shine on me in my darkest hours.

Today HE is telling me is the breakthrough that I have been needing for so long now.  HE is letting me know that today starts with me, choosing to see and to know HIS truth by allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on this next chapter of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

Today I will let go of being consumed with my anger.  Today I will break the vicious cycle that has been destroying my family for generations now.  Today is the day that I will allow myself to become consumed by HIS unending grace, and unfailing love.

It is my prayer today that you will know that you are NOT alone.  That HE is an all knowing, and loving GOD who cares for you.  That you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to uncover the lies that have kept you in your own prison without a key.  I pray that you too will let go of the things that you are consumed by, and that you will allow yourself to become consumed by HIS unending grace, and unfailing love.

Much love, prayers, and blessings,

Heather