burdens

Two nights ago, when D got home from work, he found me sobbing in our room.  Earlier in the day I had sent him a picture of me, dressed up, ready to go out with him that evening, however in thinking about whether or not I "deserved" to go anywhere, I began to feel horrible about myself, and ended up sobbing in my room.  

It has been for the past few months that I have really become to feel like such a burden to my husband D. D's career requires him to work many long hours, and because of that he isn't able to give me the time and attention that I am needing.  In not getting what I am needing from him, I lash out at him with my words and my actions.   Before long instead of giving him encouragement to want to be my husband, I end up pushing him even further into his work, as I am learning is his retreat from my anger, my rage, and sadly my awful life threatening wrath.  

Going back to two nights ago, D began asking me what was wrong and wanted to know why I didn't look like I did in the picture.  I had since changed into my pajamas, and all of my makeup was cried off of my face, and well I looked like the hott mess that I was.    It was through our talk that I was able to finally let go and tell D why I had been crying. HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to that night, and even further into my past to reveal to me where my burden carries me.  

I have always been a high maintenance person.  Whether it was my needing glasses, or hearing aids, to my chronic ear infections, and ulcers, to my neediness to feel loved, wanted, and cherished, I have always known what a burden I have been to others. In knowing that I was a burden, it has kept me from wanting to let anyone in, as I knew as soon as I did, they would go running for the hills.

When I was in fourth grade I got into a huge fight with my mom, and I ended up running outside, and down the road as far away from our house as I could get.  Before I knew it my Granny had come and picked me up, and it was then that my nightmare continued, as the house of horrors that I had escaped before, was now becoming my reality once again.  

For four long, abuse filled years I endured my burdens being used against me for someone else's selfish gains.  It was through those four years that I cried daily, and died a little more each day as I knew that my reality of being rescued would probably never come.  That was the first time that I ever remember having the first thoughts of taking my own life.  

By the time I was eleven years of age, my depression had completely taken over me, and I was taken to counseling, and to see a psychiatrist and put on my first dose of anti-depressants.  It would be two more longs years before I would be removed from my living nightmare, and I would step into an even deeper pit of despair.

During my eighth grade year, I was "rescued" and was brought to live back with my mom, dad, brother, and sister.  However, even though I was living with all of them, little did I know how my burdens carried me.  It didn't take long for my burdens to get in the way, and I felt even more depressed as now that I had been "rescued,"  it was becoming more apparent that they were regretting having "rescued" me.  It was then that I felt that I was NEVER going to be worthy even for anyone.

Growing up I struggled to find, and keep friends in my life.  By the time I reached my eighth grade year my burdens were completely wreaking havoc in every area of my life, and what little friends I did have, were done with me.  They couldn't understand that even after going back home to live with my family how or why I could still be so depressed.  

The final straw for me was during science class one day, where the weight of my burdens was all too much to bear when my teacher said to me, "seriously Miss H. it can't all be that bad, would it kill you to smile?"    I think I died a little more that day, as the reality of my burdens that carried me were killing me softly a little more each day.

It has been through HIS Daily Teachings today that I am finally able to know and understand that my burdens that carried me, have carried me straight to HIS open, and loving arms.  HE is teaching me that the burdens that Satan was "hoping" would help him take me out, have carried me straight into my LOVING SAVIOR's arms.  

HE is wanting me to know that as I have learned that my life has been written on purpose for HIS purpose, I can now understand that my burdens that have carried me, were designed specifically to weaken me, as I am learning that it is through my weakness that HE is my strength.  HE is telling me that it is in my weakness that I must remember that HE is my strength.  HE is wanting me to know that HE didn't design me to be self-sufficient, but rather to press into HIM, and open myself up to receive HIS grace, as HIS grace is all sufficient for me.

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

HE is reminding me once again that in knowing that my life has been written on purpose, I am to delight in my weakness, as I am learning through HIS wisdom that it is those very burdens that have carried me straight to HIM.  HE is taking me back into my past where HE met me right where I was broken, lost, alone, and soon to be divorced that cloudy day in late September of 2002.  Though it would be almost a year later before I would make the decision that would change my life forever.  

" For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

In choosing to ask HIM to be my LORD and SAVIOR I am learning that my burdens that carried me into my pit of despair, have now been lifted off of me, as HE is the ONE WHO has rescued me, and I need NOT to worry, as HE doesn't regret rescuing me. 

Today HIS truth, is revealing all the lies that have penetrated my heart, and kept me lock up in my own prison by letting me know that my burdens that carried me, were, are, and will always be HIS loving reminders that HE is there, HE is with me, and HE will carry me through everything and anything that I encounter.

HE is wanting me to know that this is why it is the utmost of importance that I am to choose JOY in the storms of my life, and know that what I see as my burdens, they are in fact HIS loving grace and mercies which are new for me everyday.  HE is telling me that by choosing JOY I will then be able to delight in my weaknesses as I will know that they are HIS loving reminders that I need HIM.

Today I am being reminded of just how much I need HIM to be my everything, and to be in everything, every area of my life, to show me, to teach me, to lead me, and to guide me.  So that I will be able to live my life according to HIS will.    Today I am so incredibly thankful to finally know and understand that my burdens have carried me straight to HIM.  That it has been through my burdens that I am receiving complete healing and peace for my past.  That the pain that I have endured in my past was to build me and strengthen me.  I am thankful to know that of which Satan "tried" in vain to destroy me with, HE has taken that very hott mess that I had become, and took my mess, as I am HIS mess, and HE has turned it all into HIS beautiful message!  I am so incredibly blessed to be able to live my life with HIS true freedom, that my past didn't win, and my burdens that once carried me, I am NO longer carrying, as I have laid them all down at HIS feet, and HE has lifted ALL of my burdens off of me.  

Dear friends, I pray today that if you are hurting that you will know that your burdens that have carried you, are in fact carrying you straight to HIS loving arms.  I pray that you will have the courage to let go, and let HIM be the LORD and SAVIOR of your life.  I pray that when you do, HE will transform and renew your mind, and fill your heart with comfort and peace to know that HE has everything worked out for your own good.  I pray today that you will know that the burdens that which Satan has "tried" to destroy you with, HE is building you, strengthening you, and growing you stronger as each day passes.  I pray today that you will know that your life has been written on purpose so that you will see that you need HIM.  I pray that you will know that no matter what you may  have done, HIS mercies are new, and HIS grace is all sufficient. 

in HIS loving embrace,
Heather