all out of grace

Today I'm all out of grace.  Today my compassion and love tank are empty when it comes to someone hurting me.  Today I am hurting, in a way that I can't even begin to say.  Pain that runs so deep in my soul, pain that I have buried so deep within, that even I didn't know just how much pain was buried.

Yesterday my daughter said to me, "Mama you have so much hurt inside of you, and it hurts all of us to see you hurt so much."  My hurting, my pain is nothing new for me.  I've written about several times here on the blog.   I have gone through many levels of forgiveness, and I have received much victory in choosing to forgive.  

So today, or rather last night when I laid my head on my pillow, I felt so completely all out of grace. Today even though I know HE is my HOPE, my pain, my emotions are completely wiping me out. Today I am dealing with the aftermath of the pain of betrayal that I am feeling from someone who I "thought" I could trust.  

I have written many times before about my birth mother and what it was like growing up with her as a mother.  Today the pain of just how bad it was is running over me, and flowing out of me in a way that I have never experienced.  Today I am all out of grace.  

In seeking HIM, HE is asking me to be transparent about my pain.  HE is taking me back to the deepest most darkest parts of my past, and showing me where my pain began.  I have written before that I was born unto parents who were too selfish to be parents.  NOT because they didn't want me, but because they too had painful pasts, that they hadn't dealt with.  I was born to a mother who so desperately wanted to be a mother, but didn't know how.  

The earliest years of abuse I remember when I was two.   I remember what she said to me, when she hit me, threw me, and began to be Satan's puppet in "trying" to destroy me.  I remember the day that she chased me around the coffee table with the knife, I was four.  I still have the scar above my knee to remind me.  My arms have scars from the cigarette burns, and if you look closely you will see the scar on the top of my head from where she hurt me with a metal broom.  

My mother wasn't just physically abusive, but also verbally, mentally, and emotionally.  When I was four, shortly after the knife incident we were taken away from her.  She was order into a mental hospital, and soon thereafter she was released, and that is when she walked out of my life.  

I wish I could say for good, but that isn't the case.  Years later, 13 to be exact, 13 long years of horrible sexual abuse at the hands of my step-grandfather, and the complete destruction of all of my relationships with my family, she walked back into my life.

I was just turning 17, and had just met D.  I was in complete destructive mode, and I was falling apart at the seams.  My parents, my dad and step-mom didn't want me, didn't know what to do with me, and wanted me gone.  That is when I went to my gram and cried my heart out to her, and she let me know that she had stayed in contact with my birth mom and that how she had expressed how much she wanted to see me.  

For two months I had weekly phone conversations with my birth mother, and it was decided that I would come and visit her in California for the summer.  The morning I left, my dad barely said two words to me, I was still hurting from the argument I had with my brother when he found out what I was doing.  I remember D walking me out to the car, him holding my hand, with tears falling down his face, and him saying, "please don't go."

That night when my plane landed in CA and I met her for the first time in 13 years, I knew, I knew right then and there that it would be one of my worst mistakes.  When we got to her house, and she showed me my room, I pulled out my prom pictures with D, and I cried.  I cried because for the first time in my life I knew I was completely and utterly alone.  (I now know where HE was, and how much HE was orchestrating EVERYTHING that would bring me to deliverance.)

It became very apparent, very quickly that I wasn't wanted by my step-dad, and that I was never going to be able to recover from the years of abuse from her hands, and I left CA and moved in with D.  This would begin years of suffering from deep depression, and D being at his wits end, in wanting to help me, to save me.

Sixteen years ago next Friday was the last time I saw her  She came to my wedding, and let it be known that she wasn't sorry, so much in fact that she blamed my Dad for everything.  Two weeks after my wedding I made the decision to cut all ties with her.

That is my first memory of being all out of grace, only it was my version of there's no way I'm EVER going to forgive you for what you have done to me.  However, as you know how my story goes, HE began to work in me.

Since my cutting her out my life, and becoming a CHRIST FOLLOWER, I have gone through many tests, trials, and storms of grace and forgiveness.  Though I am thankful for what I went through, I am human, and in my humanness, I am all out of grace.  Today the pain is real and raw, and is flowing out of me in streams of tears down my face.

Today I am feeling weary from always being the one WHO is the bigger person.  Today I am weary from having to forgive....... Today I am struggling to come to terms with someone's betrayal of my trust in them.  Today I am facing pain from someone else being human.  

When my Gram was still alive, I let her know that under NO circumstances was she allowed to speak to my birth mother about me, or my life.  That included my husband and children.  I let her know that I wouldn't hesitate to walk away from her, and cut all ties with her.  She knew how adamant I was about that.  

When Gram died, I poured my heart out to a dear family friend.  Someone who was close to Gram, and had quickly taken up residence in my heart.  Someone who I felt loved me and understood me.  Even as recent as last Friday I spoke with this person about trust, and how it is hard for me to fully trust anyone, and how I take great strides in keeping my life private. 

I know that may sound weird to you, as I am a writer of this blog, however, I don't use names of my family, and I don't post any pictures.  That is because this blog is about me, and my walks with HIM, and what HE is teaching me daily.  

Yesterday it was revealed to me that this person whom I trusted is in fact in contact with my birth mother.  In realizing this, it was as if though I were stabbed right in my heart as I struggled to come to grips with the betrayal I felt.  Worse than the betrayal was the manipulation that I felt was creeping back into my life.

Today that pain is real and raw, as I grew up with people who manipulated me for their own selfish gain, and never once thought about how I would feel, and even when I tried to say how I felt, I was quickly shut down.  Today I am all out of grace.  Today I am struggling with feeling manipulated, and feeling completely invalidated in how deep my pain is.  Today I am struggling with doing the right thing which is forgiveness.

Last night D said to me, "so what if they are in contact, why are you still hiding?"  This question for me cut deep, so much in fact I couldn't speak to D after that.  The aftermath of what happened yesterday has left me questioning many things, and has me on my knees asking HIM to please help me, and for HIM to please remove this pain from my heart.  

Today I am asking HIM, "how can I truly forgive someone, and trust them or anyone in contact with them, when she tried to end my life?  How am I to forgive the betrayal I feel?  How am I to forgive them for manipulating me?  Please LORD help me, I'm all out of grace."

Today I am so incredibly thankful to know that when I am all out of grace, I know that HIS grace is all sufficient for me.  HE is telling me that what I am feeling, this pain that is real and raw is all apart of HIS plan to bring me to victory through my deliverance of this pain that runs so deep inside of me. me.  Today HE is wanting me to understand that this, just like all the other storms of my life is going to take some time.  HE is asking me to TRUST HIM, and allow HIM to work in me and through me.  Today I am surrendering to the ONE WHO knows and loves me best.  Today HE is catching every single one of my tears, and holding me in HIS loving arms.  Today HIS word is the living water that is soothing my aching heart.  Today HE is more than enough for me, today HE is all I need.  

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Today I am so incredibly thankful to know that even though I am all out of grace, HE has more than enough more me and everyone around me.  Today I am seeking HIM, and letting HIM release the pain and allow it to flow out of me, so that I can deal with it with HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding me every single step of the way.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ I write this blog today to you with my pain being real and raw, so that you will know that you are NOT alone.  I pray that my story, will be HIS message of HOPE that even the messiness of life's hangups HE is there.  That even though right now I am feeling weary, I don't have to stay that way, as HE is there, and HIS grace is ALL sufficient.  I pray today that in my transparency you will be able to see HIM in your own life, and allow HIM to release the pain to flow from your heart, and allow HIM to heal you.  Today I pray for your deliverance and your victory from the pain that is buried so deep.  I pray today that if you too are feeling all out of grace you will seek HIM, and you will be covered in HIS grace that is ALL sufficient for you.

With tears, thankfulness, love, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather