ultimate gift

Monday afternoon, my world.... shattered...... D, my three daughters and precious son, lost our sweet little precious baby love.  I could write about all the pain, sorrow, sadness, and grief that we have felt since then, however I think it's more important to write about all the JOY, PRAISE, HEALING, GLORY, and PEACE that has been received this "our" untimely passing of our sweet precious almost two year old son.  

During the first night of our sorrow, my parents, and D's parents were there.  As darkness began to fall upon our once happy, full of laughter home, our wonderful church family surrounded us in prayer.  They drove in the night, and stayed with us late into the night, praying, crying, and just hold each of us.  Words can't even begin to express the thankfulness that I feel from all of the kindness and compassion that was bestowed upon us that first night.

The morning after, I was so deep in my sorrow, and drenched in tears, and incredibly fearful to sleep.  I only received 1.5 hours of sleep that night, and I was extremely exhausted.  I was afraid, afraid to close my eyes, only to relive the living nightmare that had become our lives just 12 hours before.  Over and over like a broken record I replayed the day in my head, if only, what if, why didn't, i should have, how come???? The questions were plaguing my mind as I struggled to try and make sense of it all.  

In the midst of my sorrow, sadness, and grief, HE spoke to me, "My peace I give you"  Now in my humanness I wish I could say that I received that well, however it took much more than HIM just saying that to me, I had to surrender, and that meant I had to cry deep into HIS chest, of my pain of losing my son.  The anguish and utter disbelief that I had that my precious little baby couldn't possibly be gone.  I begged HIM, and pleaded for HIM to tell me WHY, WHY did he take him from us?

As we drew further into the day, masses of emails, texts, calls, messages began to pour in.  Our home was filled with visitors, and food.  The amazing amount of love and support was overwhelming.  The prayers for PEACE began to flood me, and slowly I began to feel HIS peace.

That night when I went upstairs to get ready for bed, I walked past my son's room, and sat down beside his bed and began to pray.  I thank GOD for the life that lived in the bed, and said with confidence that though the enemy wanted nothing more than for me to remember the death that had taken place, HE never intended for me to hold onto that memory, but rather to hold onto the precious little life of light that HE had blessed me with just two short years before.

That night as I laid my head down on my pillow, I thanked HIM for HIS peace, and I thanked HIM for allowing me to be my son's Mama.  That night, I slept from 10:30 to 4:30, and I woke up crying when I realized that I made it through another night without my son.  

Sorrow, sadness, and pain began to flood me once again, and again HE said to me "My peace I give you" the more I thought about what HE was saying to me, the more I began to receive prayers of peace from all over the world.  Thousands of people were praying for our family and our loss.  Thousands were praying for the gift of peace.

As darkness drew on that night, I again prayed for HIS peace to flood me, so that I would be able to sleep.  That night I found my sons little jacket that he last wore, and his little sock, his blanket, and his favorite stuffed animal.  I slept with all of them in my arms, breathing in the sweet scent of my precious son.

When I awoke on Wednesday morning, the sadness hit me, as it was his 2nd birthday.  I was trying so hard to be strong, as I knew the days events would bring me tremendous pain, and sorrow, however, HE had something different in mind for me.  It was during my shower that I cried out to HIM to speak HIS truth into my life.  What I heard next, was HIS gift to me, through HIS perspective.  

HIS truth of my tremendous sorrow, sadness and pain was this:  Satan wants nothing more than for me to be taken out, and he "thought" that through my son's passing that surely that would be when I would turn away from GOD.  However, through the blessing of ALL of HIS Daily Teachings I have learned that my son is with JESUS, and even more than that my son is LIVING, in paradise with HIM in HIS KINGDOM, and guess what, the joke is on Satan, as I too live in HIS KINGDOM!  HIS truth was revealed to me, that once again Satan didn't win, JESUS Won!  I was so incredibly thankful overwhelmed with HIS truth, that I went and woke up D to tell HIM what HE told me.

Throughout the day, I received so many waves of PEACE that made it possible for me to withstand picking out my son's casket, his clothes, choosing his grave, and planning his celebration of life service.   

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

It was in my moments of deepest sorrow, and pain that HIS truth was spoken into me.  HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to all the messages I had heard through church, and my bible studies with HIM, and is letting me see HIS purpose in ALL of this.  HIS purpose for my life would be so that even in my greatest sorrow and pain, I would still PRAISE HIM.  HE knew that I would be able to withstand the pain, as I have learned, and am confident that HE is my ROCK, my Strength, my Fortress, my Shelter, my Salvation, my Healer, my Deliverer, my Redeemer, my Father, my Abba, my LORD and SAVIOR.  HE knew that I finally understood that HE is MINE, JESUS is MINE, and I am definitely HIS!

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield  and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

I can't begin to describe to you the amounts of healing that I have received in the midst of the greatest tragedy that I am learning is HIS ultimate gift to me, and that is, HE sent HIS son, my earthly son, to be HIS gift of HOPE.  Through one little boy, I would become Mama once again.  Through my son, I learned to live with HOPE, JOY and LOVE.  Though I may  NOT have chosen the timing of his passing, HE did, and HE planned it perfectly for my life.

"UNTO YOUR NAME, JESUS ON HIGH BE GLORIFIED.  NO OTHER NAME, JESUS THE LORD SAVIOR OF ALL!"  

This song is flooding my heart this morning, as I can't do anything less than PRAISE HIM, for HIS kindness, and mercy.  Praise HIM for loving me so much that HE would orchestrate an amazing connection of support, love , hope, and peace, all so that I, Heather, broken, lost, and growing more weary by the day would receive HIS ultimate gift of HOPE.

Today though I cry for my son, and long to hold him in my arms, I am filled with HIS peace that surpasses ALL understanding that he is dancing on the streets of gold with JESUS.  I am thankful that my son is ALIVE, and NEVER has to hurt again.  I am thankful and praising HIM that because HE has chosen me and pursued me I know, with ALL confidence that I am going to see my son again, and we will spend eternity with our FATHER IN HEAVEN.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ If I have learned anything this past week it is this:  life is too short, only HE knows the number of our days.  Life is too short to be angry, bitter, and hold onto resentment.  Life is too short to NOT to forgive, and receive HIS true healing which HE so desires for you.  I pray today that you will have the courage to let go of your hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, rage, and unforgiveness.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your hearts, so that you too will be able to receive HIS ultimate gift of HOPE <3

" We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

Praying all of these blessings over your lives today, with much peace, love, hope, grace, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather